Humorous stories for schoolchildren to read. Funny stories for schoolchildren
- Call Natasha to the phone!
- Natasha is not here, what should I tell her?
- Give her five rubles!
The patient came to the doctor:
- Doctor, you advised me to count to 100,000 to fall asleep!
- Well, did you fall asleep?
- No, it’s already morning! Sent by Yana Sukhoverkhova from Estonia, Pärnu May 18, 2003
- Vasya! Doesn't it bother you that you're left-handed?
- No. Every person has their own shortcomings. For example, with what hand do you stir the tea?
- Right!
- Here you see! A normal people stir with a spoon!
A crazy person is walking down the street and dragging a thread behind him.
A passerby asks him:
- Why are you dragging a thread behind you?
What should I push forward?
- My neighbor was a vampire.
- How did you know this?
“And I drove an aspen stake into his chest, and he died.”
- Boy, why are you crying so bitterly?
- Because of rheumatism.
- What? So small and you already have rheumatism?
- No, I got a bad mark because I wrote “rhythmism” in the dictation!
- Sidorov! My patience has run out! Don't come to school tomorrow without your father!
- And the day after tomorrow?
- Petya, why are you laughing? Personally, I don’t see anything funny!
- And you can’t even see: you sat on my jam sandwich!
— Petya, how many excellent students are there in your class?
- Not counting me, four.
- Are you an excellent student?
- No. That's what I said - not counting me!
Phone call in the staff room:
- Hello! Is this Anna Alekseevna? Tolik's mother says.
- Who? I can't hear well!
- Tolika! I spell it out: Tatyana, Oleg, Leonid, Ivan, Kirill, Andrey!
- What? And all the children are in my class?
During a drawing lesson, one student turns to his neighbor at his desk:
- You drew great! I've got an appetite!
- Appetite? From sunrise?
- Wow! And I thought you drew scrambled eggs!
During a singing lesson, the teacher said:
— Today we’ll talk about opera. Who knows what opera is?
Vovochka raised his hand:
- I know. This is when one person kills another in a duel, and the other sings for a long time before falling!
The teacher handed out notebooks after checking the dictation.
Vovochka approaches the teacher with her notebook and asks:
- Maria Ivanovna, I didn’t understand what you wrote below!
— I wrote: “Sidorov, write legibly!”
The teacher talked in class about great inventors. Then she asked the students:
-What would you like to invent?
One student said:
— I would invent such a machine: you press a button and all the lessons are ready!
- What a lazy person! - the teacher laughed.
Then Vovochka raised his hand and said:
“And I would come up with a device that would press this button!”
Vovochka answers in zoology class:
- The length of the crocodile from head to tail is 5 meters, and from tail to head - 7 meters...
“Think about what you’re saying,” the teacher interrupts Vovochka. - Is it possible?
“It happens,” Vovochka answers. - For example, from Monday to Wednesday - two days, and from Wednesday to Monday - five!
— Vovochka, what do you want to become when you grow up?
- An ornithologist.
- Is this the one who studies birds?
- Yeah. I want to cross a pigeon with a parrot.
- For what?
- What if suddenly the pigeon gets lost, so that it can ask the way home!
The teacher asks Vovochka:
—What are the last teeth a person develops?
“Artificial,” answered Vovochka.
Vovochka stops the car on the street:
- Uncle, take me to school!
- I'm going in the opposite direction.
- All the better!
“Dad,” says Vovochka, “I must tell you that tomorrow there will be a small meeting of students, parents and teachers at school.”
— What does “small” mean?
- It's just you, me and the homeroom teacher.
We wrote a dictation. When Alla Grigorievna was checking the notebooks, she turned to Antonov:
- Kolya, why are you so inattentive? I dictated: “The door creaked and opened.” What did you write? "The door creaked and fell off!"
And everyone laughed!
“Vorobiev,” said the teacher, “you didn’t do your homework again!” Why?
— Igor Ivanovich, we had no light yesterday.
- And what were you doing? Perhaps you watched TV?
- Yeah, in the dark...
And everyone laughed!
A young teacher complains to her friend:
“One of my students completely tormented me: he makes noise, misbehaves, disrupts lessons!
- But he has at least one thing positive quality?
- Unfortunately, there is - he doesn’t miss classes...
At the lesson German language We went through the topic "My Hobby". The teacher called Petya Grigoriev. He stood and was silent for a long time.
“I don’t hear the answer,” said Elena Alekseevna. — What is your hobby?
Then Petya said in German:
- Their bin briefmarke! (I am a postage stamp!)
And everyone laughed!
The lesson has begun. The teacher asked:
— Duty officer, who is absent from class?
Pimenov looked around and said:
— Mushkin is absent.
At this time, Mushkin’s head appeared in the doorway:
- I'm not absent, I'm here!
And everyone laughed!
It was a geometry lesson.
- Who solved the problem? - asked Igor Petrovich.
Vasya Rybin was the first to raise his hand.
“Great, Rybin,” the teacher praised, “Please, come to the board!”
Vasya came to the board and said importantly:
— Consider triangle ABCD!
And everyone laughed!
Why weren't you at school yesterday?
— My older brother got sick.
- What does that have to do with you?
- And I rode his bike!
- Petrov, why are you teaching so poorly? English language?
- What for?
- What do you mean why? After all, half of them speak this language globe!
- And isn’t this enough?
- Petya, if you met old man Hottabych, what wish would you ask him to fulfill?
— I would ask to make London the capital of France.
- Why?
- And yesterday I answered geography and got a bad mark!..
- Well done, Mitya. - says dad. — How did you manage to get an A in zoology?
- They asked me how many legs an ostrich has and I answered - three.
- Wait, but an ostrich has two legs!
- Yes, but all the others answered that there were four!
Petya was invited to visit. They tell him:
- Petya, take another piece of cake.
- Thank you, I have already eaten two pieces.
- Then eat a tangerine.
- Thank you, I have already eaten three tangerines.
“Then take some fruit with you.”
- Thank you, I already took it!
Cheburashka found a penny on the road. He comes to a store where they sell toys. He gives a penny to the saleswoman and says:
- Give me this toy, this one and this one!..
The saleswoman looks at him in surprise.
- Well, what are you waiting for? - says Cheburashka. - Give me the change and I'll go!
Vovochka and her dad are standing near a cage where a lion sits at the zoo.
“Dad,” says Vovochka, “and if a lion accidentally jumps out of the cage and eats you, which bus should I take home?”
“Dad,” asks Vovochka, “why don’t you have a car?”
— There is no money for a car. Don't be lazy, study better, you will become good specialist and buy yourself a car.
- Dad, why were you lazy at school?
“Petya,” asks dad, “why are you limping?”
“I put my foot in the mousetrap and it pinched me.”
- Don't stick your nose where it shouldn't!
- Grandfather, what are you doing with this bottle? Do you want to install a boat in it?
“That’s exactly what I wanted at first.” Now I would be glad to just take my hand out of the bottle!
“Dad,” the daughter turns to her father, “our phone works badly!”
- Why did you decide that?
— Now I was talking to my friend and didn’t understand anything.
—Have you tried talking in turns?
“Mom,” Vovochka asked, “how much toothpaste is in the tube?”
- Don't know.
- And I know: from the sofa to the door!
- Dad, get on the phone! - Petya shouted to his father, who was shaving in front of the mirror.
When dad finished the conversation, Petya asked him:
- Dad, are you good at remembering faces?
- I think I remember. And what?
- The fact is that I accidentally broke your mirror...
— Dad, what is “telefiguration”?
- Don't know. Where did you read this?
- I didn’t read it, I wrote it!
- Natasha, why are you writing a letter to your grandmother so slowly?
- It’s okay: grandma reads slowly too!
- Anya, what have you done! You broke a vase that was two hundred years old!
- What happiness, mom! I thought it was completely new!
- Mom, what is etiquette?
- This is the ability to yawn with your mouth closed...
The art teacher says to Vovochka’s father:
— Your son has exceptional abilities. Yesterday he drew a fly on his desk, and I even knocked my hand away trying to get it away!
- What else is that! Recently he painted a crocodile in the bathroom, and I got so scared that I tried to jump out through the door, which was also painted on the wall.
Little Johnny says to his father:
- Dad, I decided to give you a gift for your birthday!
“The best gift for me,” said dad, “is if you study with straight A’s.”
- It's too late, dad, I already bought you a tie!
A little boy watches his dad at work as he paints the ceiling.
Mom says:
- Watch, Petya, and learn. And when you grow up, you will help your dad.
Petya is surprised:
- What, he won’t finish by then?
The hostess, hiring a new maid, asked her:
- Tell me, my dear, do you like parrots?
- Oh, don't worry, madam, I eat everything!
An auction is taking place in a pet store - talking parrots are on sale. One of the buyers who purchased a parrot asks the seller:
- Does he really speak well?
- Still would! After all, he was the one who kept increasing the price!
- Petya, what will you do if hooligans attack you?
- I’m not afraid of them - I know judo, karate, aikedo and others scary words!
- Hello! Animal defence community? There is a postman sitting on a tree in my yard and calling my poor dog all sorts of bad names!
Three bears return to their hut.
- Who touched my plate and ate my porridge?! - Papa Bear growled.
- Who touched my saucer and ate my porridge?! - the bear cub squeaked.
“Calm down,” said mother bear. - There was no porridge: I didn’t cook it today!
One man caught a cold and decided to treat himself with self-hypnosis. He stood in front of the mirror and began to inspire himself:
- I won’t sneeze, I won’t sneeze, I won’t sneeze... A-a-pchhi!!! This is not me, this is not me, this is not me...
- Mom, why does dad have so little hair on his head?
- The fact is that our dad thinks a lot.
- Then why do you have such voluminous hair?
— Dad, today the teacher told us about an insect that lives only one day. That's great!
— Why “great”?
- Imagine, you can celebrate your birthday all your life!
One fisherman, a teacher by profession, caught a small catfish, admired it, and, throwing it back into the river, said:
- Go home and come back with your parents tomorrow!
A husband and wife came by car to visit. Leaving the car at the house, they tied the dog nearby and told it to guard the car. When they got ready to return home in the evening, they saw that all the wheels of the car had been removed. And there was a note attached to the car: “Don’t scold the dog, she was barking!”
One Englishman walked into a bar with a dog and told the visitors:
- I bet it's mine talking dog Now he will read Hamlet's monologue "To be or not to be!"
Alas, he immediately lost the bet. Because the dog didn't say a single word.
Coming out of the bar, the owner began shouting at the dog:
-Are you completely stupid?! I lost a thousand pounds because of you!
“You’re stupid,” the dog objected. - Don’t you understand that tomorrow in the same bar we can win ten times more!
- Your dog is strange - she sleeps all day long. How can she guard the house?
“It’s very simple: when someone stranger approaches the house, we wake her up and she starts barking.
The wolf is going to eat the hare. Hare says:
- Let's agree. I'll tell you three riddles. If you don't guess them, you'll let me go.
- Agree.
— A pair of black ones, shiny, with laces.
The wolf is silent.
- This is a pair of boots. Now the second riddle: four black, shiny ones, with laces.
The wolf is silent.
— Two pairs of shoes. The third riddle is the most difficult: it lives in a swamp, it is green, it croaks, it starts with “la” and ends with “gushka”.
The wolf shouts joyfully:
— Three pairs of shoes!!!
Hanging on the ceiling the bats. All, as expected, heads down, and one - head up. The mice hanging nearby chatter:
- Why is she hanging upside down?
- And she does yoga!
The crow found a large piece of cheese. Then a fox suddenly jumped out from behind the bushes and slapped the crow on the head. The cheese fell out, the fox immediately grabbed it and ran away.
The stunned crow says with offense:
- Wow, they shortened the fable!
The zoo director, out of breath, comes running to the police station:
- For God's sake, help, our elephant has run away!
“Calm down, citizen,” said the policeman. - We will find your elephant. Name the special signs!
An owl flies and shouts:
- Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!..
Suddenly he hit a pole:
- Wow!
Japanese schoolboy enters brand store for the sale of watches.
— Do you have a reliable alarm clock?
“It couldn’t be more reliable,” the seller answers. “First the siren goes on, then an artillery salvo is heard, and a glass of cold water is poured on your face. If that doesn't work, the alarm clock rings the school and tells you that you have the flu!
Guide: - here is a rare exhibit of our museum - a beautiful statue Greek warrior. Unfortunately, he is missing an arm and a leg, and his head is damaged in some places. The work is called "Winner".
Visitor: - Great! I'd like to see what's left of the vanquished one!
A foreign tourist arriving in Paris turns to a Frenchman:
“I come here for the fifth time, and I see that nothing has changed!”
- What should change? - he asks.
Tourist (points to the Eiffel Tower):
— In the end, did they find oil here or not?
One society lady asked Heine:
— What do you need to do to learn to speak French?
“It’s not difficult,” he answered, “you just need to use French instead of German words.”
In a history lesson in a French school:
—Who was the father of Louis the Sixteenth?
— Louis the Fifteenth.
- Fine. And Charles the Seventh?
— Charles the Sixth.
- And Francis the First? Well, what are you silent?
- Francis... Zero!
During a history lesson, the teacher said:
- Today we will repeat old material. Natasha, ask Semenov a question.
Natasha thought and asked:
- What year was the war of 1812?
And everyone laughed.
The parents had no time, and Parent meeting Grandfather went. He came to bad mood and immediately began to scold his grandson:
- Disgrace! It turns out that your history is full of bad marks! For example, I always got straight A's in this subject!
“Of course,” the grandson answered, “at the time when you were studying, history was much shorter!”
Baba Yaga asks Koshchei the Immortal:
- How did you relax in new year holidays?
“I shot myself a couple of times, drowned myself three times, hanged myself once—in general, I had fun!”
Winnie the Pooh congratulated the donkey on his birthday, and then said:
- Eeyore, you must be many years old?
- Why do you say that?
- Judging by your ears, you've been pulled on them often!
A client enters a photo studio and asks the receptionist:
— I wonder why everyone is laughing in your photographs?
- You should have seen our photographer!
-What are you complaining about? - the doctor asks the patient.
- You know, by the end of the day I just fall from fatigue.
- What do you do in the evenings?
— I play the violin.
- I recommend music lessons stop immediately!
When the patient left, the nurse asked the doctor in surprise:
- Ivan Petrovich, what does music lessons have to do with it?
- Absolutely nothing to do with it. It’s just that this woman lives on the floor above me, and our soundproofing is disgusting!
“Yesterday I pulled a pike weighing twenty kilograms out of an ice hole!”
- Can't be!
- That's it, I thought that no one would believe me, so I let her out back...
The summer resident addresses the owner of the dacha:
— Could you please lower the rent for the room a little?
- What are you talking about? With such a beautiful view birch grove!
- What if I promise you that I won’t look out the window?
The millionaire shows his guest his villa and says:
— And here I’m going to build three pools: one with cold water, the second with warm water, and the third - completely without water.
- Without water? - the guest is surprised. - For what?
— The fact is that some of my friends don’t know how to swim...
At a painting exhibition, one visitor asks another:
— Do you think this picture depicts a sunrise or sunset?
- Of course, sunset.
- Why do you think so?
— I know this artist. He doesn't wake up before noon.
Buyer: - I would like to buy some book.
Seller: - Would you like something light?
Buyer: - It doesn’t matter, I’m driving!
An unknown young man set a world record in the 100-meter race. A journalist interviews him:
- How did you do it? Have you trained a lot in any sports club?
- No, at the shooting range. I work there replacing targets...
“I recently ran two kilometers in one minute at a school competition!”
- You're lying! This is better than a world record!
- Yes, but I know a shortcut!
Interesting, surprising and funny stories for junior schoolchildren and secondary school students school age. Interesting stories from school life
How I sat under my desk. Author: Victor Golyavkin
As soon as the teacher turned to the board, I immediately went under the desk. When the teacher notices that I have disappeared, he will probably be terribly surprised.
I wonder what he'll think? He’ll start asking everyone where I’ve gone—it’ll be a laugh! Half the lesson has already passed, and I’m still sitting. “When,” I think, “will he see that I’m not in class?” And it’s hard to sit under the desk. My back even hurt. Try to sit like that! I coughed - no attention. I can't sit anymore. Moreover, Seryozha keeps poking me in the back with his foot. I couldn't stand it. Didn't make it to the end of the lesson. I get out and say:
- Sorry, Pyotr Petrovich...
The teacher asks:
- What's the matter? Do you want to go to the board?
- No, excuse me, I was sitting under my desk...
- Well, is it comfortable to sit there, under the desk? You sat very quietly today. This is how it would always be in class.
Who cares what is surprising. Author: Victor Golyavkin
Tanka is not surprised by anything. She always says: “That’s not surprising!” - even if it happens surprisingly. Yesterday, in front of everyone, I jumped over such a puddle... No one could jump over, but I jumped over! Everyone was surprised except Tanya.
“Just think! So what? It’s not surprising!”
I kept trying to surprise her. But he couldn't surprise me. No matter how hard I tried.
I hit a little sparrow with a slingshot.
I learned to walk on my hands and whistle with one finger in my mouth.
She saw it all. But I wasn't surprised.
I tried my best. What didn’t I do! Climbed trees, walked without a hat in winter...
She still wasn't surprised.
And one day I just went out into the yard with a book. I sat down on the bench. And he began to read.
I didn't even see Tanka. And she says:
- Marvelous! I wouldn't have thought that! He reads!
Carousel in my head. Author: Victor Golyavkin
By the end school year I asked my father to buy me a two-wheeler, a battery-powered submachine gun, a battery-powered airplane, a flying helicopter and a table hockey game.
- I really want to have these things! “I told my father. “They are constantly spinning in my head like a carousel, and this makes my head so dizzy that it is difficult to stay on my feet.”
“Hold on,” said the father, “don’t fall and write all these things on a piece of paper for me so that I don’t forget.”
- But why write, they are already firmly in my head.
“Write,” said the father, “it doesn’t cost you anything.”
“In general, it’s worth nothing,” I said, “just extra trouble.” And I wrote in large letters on the entire sheet:
VILISAPET
PISTAL GUN
VIRTALET
Then I thought about it and decided to write “ice cream”, went to the window, looked at the sign opposite and added:
ICE CREAM
The father read it and said:
“I’ll buy you some ice cream for now, and we’ll wait for the rest.”
I thought he had no time now, and I asked:
- Until what time?
- Until better times.
- Until what time?
— Until the next end of the school year.
- Why?
- Yes, because the letters in your head are spinning like a carousel, this makes you dizzy, and the words are not on their own feet.
It's as if words have legs!
And they’ve bought me ice cream a hundred times already.
It's a wonderful time - childhood! Carelessness, pranks, games, eternal “whys” and, of course, funny stories from the lives of children - funny, memorable, making you smile involuntarily.
Publicly warned
One mother of a beautiful six-year-old son often had no one to leave her not always obedient child at home with. Therefore, sometimes she takes the baby with her to work (to an exhibition). On one of these days, the driver calls my mother and asks her to pick up some booklets from the checkpoint. She leaves, and strictly orders her son to sit still and not go anywhere. In general, to find a driver, arrange and pick up booklets, deliver them to the right place leaves certain time. And so... Approaching her lady, she sees a bunch of people laughing and taking pictures of something at the stand. My son is not there! But there is a piece of paper A-4 attached to the stand, on which in large letters it says: “I’ll be there soon.” What am I!”
This same mother once asked dad to play with his son while she prepared dinner. After a while, he hears a whining voice from the room: “Dad, I’m tired... Can I go play?” Looking into the room, he sees the following picture: a father lying on the sofa, and a son in full uniform (helmet, cloak, sword), marching back and forth along the sofa. To the question: “What is this?” - my son answers: “Dad and I play King of the Sofa!” Like this funny story about children can not only make you plunge headlong into your own memories.
Shh! Dad is sleeping
And here is another funny story about children from life. One mother left a three-year-old child with his father for just a couple of hours. He comes and sees the following picture: dad is sleeping sweetly on the sofa, wearing a toy from (a bunny and a fox) on both hands. The child covered it with his small blanket, placed a high chair next to it, a cup of juice on it, and an obligatory attribute - a potty near the sofa. He closed the door and sat quietly in the corridor, and showed his mother when she came in: “Shhh! Dad sleeps there."
The child watched a fairy tale about Scheherazade and was impressed by such magic movie says to his beloved grandmother, who is wearing a robe of oriental colors: “Grandma, what are you, a Scheherazade?”
The baby does not eat well, and almost the whole family gathers to feed him. And everyone persuades the capricious boy to eat at least a spoonful. And even the grandfather says: “Don’t worry, grandson! When I was a child, I didn’t eat well, so my mother scolded me for it and even beat me.” To such a sincere confession, the granddaughter replies: “That’s what I see, grandpa, that all your teeth are false...”
Kitty Kitty Kitty
And this is a funny story about children from real life. One grandmother, a former site manager, who did not mince words at work and at home, certain period I was raising my grandson. One fine day, this couple went to the store, where the grandmother had to stand in a long line. The grandson found this activity boring, and he decided to make friends with the store cat:
Kitty! Kitty, kitty, come here.
The cat, apparently, was not interested in these affections, and he hid under the counter. But the boy is persistent! The boy is persistent! Now he needs to get the cat at any cost:
Kitty, kitty-kitty, come to me, my dear.
The animal has zero reaction.
Kitty, ... fuck, come here to ..., I said, - the childish boyish voice continued. The line burst into laughter, and the grandmother, grabbing her grandson under her arm, quickly retreated. And it seems like I even stopped using swear words.
About home canning
Mom and son were salting and sorting out the broken ones. She threw them down the toilet. The following dialogue took place between her and the child who came out of the toilet:
Mom, stop salting mushrooms!
How is it?
Because you constantly taste them for salt.
And what from this?
So you’ve already started pooping with them! I myself saw them floating in the toilet.
Once upon a time there was a Little Red Riding Hood...
And this funny story is about children, or rather, about the child of one busy dad who recently had the opportunity to put his son to bed. And the baby ordered his dad to tell him an interesting fairy tale for the night, namely your favorite one - about Little Red Riding Hood.
Once upon a time there was a little girl in the world, and her name was Little Red Riding Hood,” the father, who came home from work very tired, began his story.
“She went to visit her beloved grandmother,” he continued, already half asleep, unable to fight sleep himself.
He woke up because his son was indignantly pushing him in the side:
Dad! What were the police doing there and who is Yuri Gagarin?
Where's the child?
A funny story about children from real life about how a careless father forgot his child on a walk. And it was like this. He somehow took the initiative and proudly offered his candidacy for a walk with his five-month-old daughter on the street. Mom, knowing his irresponsibility, told him to take a walk near the house. After an hour and a half, the joyful dad returns, albeit alone. Mom almost turned gray without seeing the stroller with the child. And he, it turns out, met a friend, and since he was smoking, they moved aside so that the child would not breathe in the smoke. And dad forgot while talking about the child. So I came home. I had to urgently run to that place; It's good that everything worked out okay.
Here's a funny story about children in kindergarten. Dad came to the nursery to pick up his child for the first time. The children were still sleeping at that moment, and the teacher, busy with something, asked the dad to dress his child himself, only quietly, so as not to wake up the sleeping kids. In general, the picture that appeared before my mother was this: my beloved daughter in boyish pants, a shirt and someone else’s slippers. All weekend, the shocked woman had been imagining the poor boy who, due to circumstances, had to wear pink dress. And all because dad confused the chair with clothes.
Funny stories about little children
A 4-year-old daughter comes running to her mother asking if she will be an apple.
Of course,” says the satisfied mother, “did you wash them?”
Only later did the mother realize that the only place where her daughter could wash the fruit was the toilet, because that was the only place the baby could get it.
Funny stories from the lives of children are found at every step, and even in the central department store, where one fine day a mother and her 4-year-old son were walking. They pass by the department for newlyweds.
Mom,” says the baby, “let’s buy you such a beautiful white dress.”
What are you doing, son! This dress is for a bride who is getting married.
“And you will come out, don’t worry,” the boy reassures.
So I'm already married, son.
Yes? - the baby is surprised. - Who did you marry and didn’t tell me?
So this is your dad!
Well, it’s good that it’s not some unfamiliar guy,” the boy said, having calmed down.
Mom, buy a phone
A 5-year-old son asks his mother to buy him a mobile phone.
Why do you need him? - Mom is interested.
“I need it very much,” the boy answers.
So, but still? Why do you need a phone? - the parent asks.
So you and teacher Maria Ivanovna always scold me for not eating well in kindergarten. And so I will call you and tell you to give me cutlets.
No less funny story about children. This time we will remember the conversation between a 4-year-old child and his grandmother.
Grandma, please give birth to a baby, otherwise I have no one to play with. Mom and Dad don't have time.
So how do I give birth? “I won’t be able to give birth to anyone anymore,” the grandmother answers.
A! “I understand,” Roma guessed. - You are a male! I saw the program on TV.
On the path...
Funny stories from the lives of children always bring us back to childhood - light, carefree and so naive!
Before leaving home, teacher Elena Andreevna says to a 3-year-old boy:
We go outside, we will walk there and wait for mom. So go down the path to the toilet.
The boy left and disappeared. The teacher, without waiting for the baby, went in search of him. Going out into the corridor, he sees the following picture: a confused boy stands between the two with an expression of complete bewilderment on his face and says:
Elena Andreevna, did you say which path to go to the toilet on: blue or red?
Here's a funny story about children.
The Motherland is calling!
Funny stories from the lives of children at school also amaze with the unpredictability of students, their antics and resourcefulness. In one class there was a boy named Rodin. And his mother was a teacher at the same school. Once she asked one schoolboy to call her son from class. He flies into the classroom and shouts:
Motherland is calling!
The first reaction of students and teachers is numbness, misunderstanding, fear...
After the words: “Rodin, come out, your mother is calling you,” the class fell under their desks with laughter.
In one school, a teacher dictated an essay to elementary school students based on Prishvin’s work. The meaning was how hard the life of a bunny in the forest is, how everyone offends him, how he has to cold winter get your own food. One day the animal found a rowan bush in the forest and began to eat the berries. Literally, the last phrase of the dictation sounded like this: “The furry animal is full.”
In the evening, the teacher simply cried over her essays. Literally all the students wrote the word “full” with two letters “s”.
At another school, one student constantly wrote the word “walk” with an “o” (“shol”). The teacher got tired of correcting his mistakes all the time, and after lessons she forced the student to write the word “walked” on the board a hundred times. The boy coped with the task perfectly, and at the end he wrote: “I left.”
Do you know that literature is not only for education and moral teaching? Literature is for laughs. And laughter is the most favorite thing for children, after sweets, of course. We have put together for you a selection of the funniest children's books that will be of interest to even the oldest children and grandparents. These books are perfect for family reading. Which, in turn, is ideal for family leisure. Read and laugh!
Narine Abgaryan - “Manyunya”
“Manya and I, despite the strict prohibition of our parents, often ran to the rag dealer’s house and fussed with his children. We imagined ourselves as teachers and drilled the unfortunate kids as best we could. Uncle Slavik's wife did not interfere in our games; on the contrary, she approved.
“There’s no control over the children anyway,” she said, “so at least you can calm them down.”
Since admitting to Ba that we had picked up lice from the ragpicker’s children was like death, we remained silent.
When Ba finished with me, Manka squealed thinly:
- Aaaaaah, will I really be that scary?
- Why scary? “Ba grabbed Manka and imperiously pinned her to a wooden bench. “You might think that all your beauty is in your hair,” and she cut it large curl from the top of Mankin's head.
I ran into the house to look at myself in the mirror. The sight that opened to my eyes plunged me into horror - I had my hair cut short and uneven, and my ears stood up on the sides of my head with two perky burdock leaves! I burst into tears - never, never in my life have I had such ears!
- Narineee?! - Ba’s voice reached me. - It’s good to admire your typhoid face, run here, better admire Manya!
I trudged into the yard. Manyuni's tear-stained face appeared from behind Baba Rosa's mighty back. I swallowed loudly - Manka looked incomparable, even sharper than me: at least both tips of my ears stuck out equidistant from the skull, while with Manka they were discordant - one ear was neatly pressed to the head, and the other was militantly sticking out to the side!
“Well,” Ba looked at us with satisfaction, “clean crocodile Gena and Cheburashka!”
Valery Medvedev - “Barankin, be a man!”
When everyone was seated and there was silence in the class, Zinka Fokina shouted:
- Oh, guys! This is just some kind of misfortune! The new academic year has not yet begun, but Barankin and Malinin have already received two bad marks!..
A terrible noise immediately arose in the classroom again, but individual shouts, of course, could be heard.
- In such conditions, I refuse to be the editor-in-chief of a wall newspaper! (Era Kuzyakina said this.) - And they also gave their word that they would improve! (Mishka Yakovlev.) - Unlucky drones! Last year they were babysat, and all over again! (Alik Novikov.) - Call your parents! (Nina Semyonova.) - Only they disgrace our class! (Irka Pukhova.) - We decided to do everything “good” and “excellent”, and here you are! (Ella Sinitsyna.) - Shame on Barankin and Malinin!! (Ninka and Irka together.) - Yes, kick them out of our school, and that’s it!!! (Erka Kuzyakina.) “Okay, Erka, I’ll remember this phrase for you.”
After these words, everyone screamed in one voice, so loudly that it was completely impossible for Kostya and me to make out who was thinking about us and what, although from individual words one could understand that Kostya Malinin and I were idiots, parasites, drones! Once again blockheads, loafers, selfish people! And so on! Etc!..
What angered me and Kostya the most was that Venka Smirnov was yelling the loudest. Whose cow would moo, as they say, but his would be silent. This Venka's performance last year was even worse than Kostya and I. That's why I couldn't stand it and screamed too.
“Red,” I shouted at Venka Smirnov, “why are you yelling louder than everyone else?” If you were the first to be called to the board, you would not get a two, but a one! So shut up and shut up.
“Oh, Barankin,” Venka Smirnov yelled at me, “I’m not against you, I’m yelling for you!” What do I want to say, guys!.. I say: after the holidays you can’t immediately call him to the board. We need to first come to our senses after the holidays...
Christina Nestlinger - "Down with the Cucumber King!"
“I didn’t think: this can’t be true! I didn’t even think: what a joke - you could die from laughter! Nothing came to my mind at all. Well, nothing at all! Huber Yo, my friend, says in such cases: the closure is in the convolutions! Perhaps what I remember best is when Dad said “no” three times. The first time it was very loud. The second is normal and the third is barely audible.
Dad likes to say: “If I said no, it means no.” But now his “no” did not make the slightest impression. The not-pumpkin-not-the-cucumber continued to sit on the table as if nothing had happened. He folded his arms on his stomach and repeated: “I am called King Kumi-Ori from the Undergrounding family!”
Grandfather was the first to come to his senses. He approached the Kumi-Or king and, making a curtsey, said: “I am extremely flattered by our acquaintance. My name is Hogelman. I will be a grandfather in this house.”
Kumi-Ori extended his right hand forward and thrust it under his grandfather's nose. Grandfather looked at the hand in the thread glove, but still couldn’t figure out what Kumi-Ori wanted.
Mom suggested that his arm hurt and he needed a compress. Mom always thinks that someone definitely needs either a compress, or pills, or, at worst, mustard plasters. But Kumi-Ori did not need a compress at all, and his hand was completely healthy. He waved his thread fingers in front of his grandfather’s nose and said: “We have instilled that we need a whole watt of dried apricot!”
Grandfather said that he would never kiss the august hand for anything in the world, he would allow himself to do so, in best case scenario, in relation to a charming lady, and Kumi-Ori is not a lady at all, much less a charming one.”
Grigory Oster - “ Bad advice. A book for naughty children and their parents"
***
For example, in your pocket
It turned out to be a handful of sweets,
And they came towards you
Your true friends.
Don't be scared and don't hide,
Don't rush to run away
Don't shove all the candy
Along with candy wrappers in your mouth.
Approach them calmly
No extra words not talking,
Quickly taking it out of his pocket,
Give them... your palm.
Shake their hands firmly,
Say goodbye slowly
And, turning the first corner,
Rush home quickly.
To eat candy at home,
Get under the bed
Because there, of course,
You won't meet anyone.
Astrid Lindgren - “The Adventures of Emil from Lenneberga”
The broth was very tasty, everyone took as much as they wanted, and in the end there were only a few carrots and onions left at the bottom of the tureen. This is what Emil decided to enjoy. Without thinking twice, he reached for the tureen, pulled it towards him and stuck his head into it. Everyone could hear him sucking up the grounds with a whistle. When Emil licked the bottom almost dry, he naturally wanted to pull his head out of the tureen. But it was not there! The tureen tightly clasped his forehead, temples and the back of his head and did not come off. Emil got scared and jumped out of his chair. He stood in the middle of the kitchen with a tureen on his head, as if wearing a knight's helmet. And the tureen slid lower and lower. First his eyes were hidden under it, then his nose and even his chin. Emil tried to free himself, but nothing worked. The tureen seemed to be attached to his head. Then he began to shout obscenities. And after him, out of fright, Lina. And everyone was seriously scared.
- Our beautiful tureen! - Lina kept repeating. - What will I serve the soup in now?
And indeed, since Emil’s head is stuck in the tureen, you can’t pour soup into it. Lina realized this immediately. But mother was worried not so much about the beautiful tureen as about Emil’s head.
“Dear Anton,” mom turned to dad, “how can we get the boy out of there more skillfully?” Should I break the tureen?
- This was not enough yet! - Emil's dad exclaimed. - I gave four crowns for her!
Irina and Leonid Tyukhtyaev - “Zoki and Bada: a guide for children on raising parents”
It was evening and everyone was gathered at home. Seeing dad settled down on the sofa with a newspaper, Margarita said:
- Dad, let's play with animals, Yanka wants to do it too. Dad sighed, and Ian shouted: “Church, I’m making a wish!”
- Dove again? - Margarita asked him sternly.
“Yes,” Ian was surprised.
“Now I,” said Margarita. “I made a guess, guess.”
“An elephant... a lizard... a fly... a giraffe...” began Jan. “Dad, and the cow has a little cow?”
“So you’ll never guess,” dad couldn’t stand it and put the newspaper aside, “we need to do it differently.” Does he have legs?
“Yes,” my daughter smiled mysteriously.
- One? Two? Four? Six? Eight? Margarita shook her head negatively.
- Nine? - asked Ian.
- More.
- Centipede. No?” Dad was surprised. “Then I give up, but keep in mind: a crocodile has four legs.”
- Yes? - Margarita was embarrassed. - And I wished for it.
“Dad,” the son asked, “what if a boa constrictor is sitting on a tree and suddenly notices a penguin?”
“Now dad is making a wish,” his sister stopped him.
“Only real animals, not fictional ones,” the son warned.
- Which ones are real? - Dad asked.
“A dog, for example,” said my daughter, “but wolves and bears only exist in fairy tales.”
- No! - Yan shouted. “I saw a wolf in the yard yesterday.” So huge, even two! “Like this,” he raised his hands.
“Well, they were probably smaller,” dad smiled.
- But you know how they barked!
“These are dogs,” Margarita laughed, “there are all kinds of dogs: a wolf dog, a bear dog, a fox dog, a sheep dog, there’s even a little pussy dog.”
Mikhail Zoshchenko - “Lelya and Minka”
This year, guys, I turned forty years old. So it turns out that I saw forty times Christmas tree. It's a lot! Well, for the first three years of my life, I probably didn’t understand what a Christmas tree was. My mother probably carried me in her arms. And, probably, with my black little eyes I looked without interest at the decorated tree.
And when I, children, turned five years old, I already perfectly understood what a Christmas tree was. And I was looking forward to this joyful holiday. And I even spied through the crack of the door as my mother decorated the Christmas tree.
And my sister Lela was seven years old at that time. And she was an exceptionally lively girl. She once told me: “Minka, mom has gone to the kitchen.” Let's go to the room where the tree is and see what's going on there.
So my sister Lelya and I entered the room. And we see: very beautiful tree. And there are gifts under the tree. And on the tree there are multi-colored beads, flags, lanterns, golden nuts, lozenges and Crimean apples.
My sister Lelya says: “Let’s not look at the gifts.” Instead, let's eat one lozenge at a time.
And so she approaches the tree and instantly eats one lozenge hanging on a thread.
I say: “Lelya, if you ate a lozenge, then I’ll eat something now too.”
And I go up to the tree and bite off a small piece of apple.
Lelya says: “Minka, if you took a bite of the apple, then I’ll now eat another lozenge and, in addition, I’ll take this candy for myself.”
And Lelya was a very tall, long-knitted girl. And she could reach high. She stood on her tiptoes and big mouth I started eating the second lozenge.
And I was amazing vertically challenged. And it was almost impossible for me to get anything except one apple that hung low.
I say: “If you, Lelishcha, ate the second lozenge, then I will bite off this apple again.”
And I again take this apple with my hands and again bite it a little.
Lelya says: “If you took a second bite of the apple, then I won’t stand on ceremony any longer and will now eat the third lozenge and, in addition, I’ll take a cracker and a nut as a souvenir.”
Then I almost started crying. Because she could reach everything, but I couldn’t.”
Paul Maar - "Seven Saturdays in a Week"
On Saturday morning, Mr. Peppermint sat in his room and waited. What was he waiting for? He himself certainly could not have said this.
Why then did he wait? This is easier to explain. True, we will have to start the story from Monday itself.
And on Monday there was a sudden knock on the door of Mr. Peppermint’s room. Poking her head through the crack, Mrs. Brückman announced:
- Mr. Pepperfint, you have a guest! Just make sure that he doesn’t smoke in the room: it will spoil the curtains! Let him not sit on the bed! Why did I give you the chair, what do you think?
Mrs. Brückman was the mistress of the house where Mr. Peppermint rented a room. When she was angry, she always called him "Pepperfint." And now the hostess was angry because a guest had come to him.
The guest whom the hostess pushed through the door that very Monday turned out to be a school friend of Mr. Peppermint. His last name was Pone-delkus. He brought a whole bag of delicious donuts as a gift to his friend.
After Monday it was Tuesday, and on that day the owner’s nephew came to Mr. Peppermint to ask how to solve a math problem. The hostess's nephew was lazy and a repeat student. Mr. Peppermint was not at all surprised by his visit.
Wednesday, as always, fell in the middle of the week. And this, of course, did not surprise Mr. Peppermint.
On Thursday, a nearby cinema unexpectedly showed New film: "Four against the cardinal." This is where Mr. Peppermint became a little wary.
Friday has arrived. On this day, a stain fell on the reputation of the company where Mr. Peppermint worked: the office was closed all day, and the clients were indignant.
Eno Raud - "Muff, Low Boot and Mossy Beard"
One day, at an ice cream kiosk, three naxitrals accidentally met: Moss Beard, Polbotinka and Muffa. They were all so small that the ice cream lady at first mistook them for gnomes. Each of them had other interesting features. Moss Beard has a beard made of soft moss, in which, although last year's, but still beautiful lingonberries grew. Half the shoe was put on in boots with cut off toes: it was more convenient to move the toes. And Muffa, instead of ordinary clothes, wore a thick muff, from which only the top and heels protruded.
They ate ice cream and looked at each other with great curiosity.
“Sorry,” Mufta finally said. - Perhaps, of course, I’m wrong, but it seems to me that we have something in common.
“That’s what it seemed to me,” nodded Polbotinka.
Mossy Beard plucked several berries from his beard and handed them to his new acquaintances.
- Something sour goes well with ice cream.
“I’m afraid to seem intrusive, but it would be nice to get together again sometime,” said Mufta. - We could make some cocoa and talk about this and that.
“That would be wonderful,” Polbotinka rejoiced. - I would gladly invite you to my place, but I don’t have a home. Since childhood I have traveled around the world.
“Well, just like me,” said Moss Beard.
- Wow, what a coincidence! - exclaimed Muff. - It’s exactly the same story with me. Therefore, we are all travelers.
He threw the ice cream paper into the trash bin and zipped up his muff. His muff had the following property: it could be fastened and unfastened using a zipper. Meanwhile, the others finished their ice cream.
- Don't you think we could unite? - said Polbotinka.
- Traveling together is much more fun.
“Well, of course,” Moss Beard agreed with joy.
“Brilliant idea,” Muffa beamed. - Simply magnificent!
“So it’s decided,” said Polbotinka. “Shouldn’t we have some more ice cream before we team up?”
Notebooks in the rain
During recess, Marik says to me:
Let's run away from class. Look how nice it is outside!
What if Aunt Dasha is late with the briefcases?
You need to throw your briefcases out the window.
We looked out the window: it was dry near the wall, but a little further away there was a huge puddle. Don't throw your briefcases into a puddle! We took the belts off the trousers, tied them together and carefully lowered the briefcases onto them. At this time the bell rang. The teacher entered. I had to sit down. The lesson has begun. The rain poured outside the window. Marik writes me a note: “Our notebooks are missing.”
I answer him: “Our notebooks are missing.”
He writes to me: “What are we going to do?”
I answer him: “What are we going to do?”
Suddenly they call me to the board.
“I can’t,” I say, “I have to go to the board.”
“How, I think, can I walk without a belt?”
Go, go, I’ll help you,” says the teacher.
You don't need to help me.
Are you sick by any chance?
“I’m sick,” I say.
How's your homework?
Good with homework.
The teacher comes up to me.
Well, show me your notebook.
What's going on with you?
You'll have to give it a two.
He opens the magazine and gives me a bad mark, and I think about my notebook, which is now getting wet in the rain.
The teacher gave me a bad grade and calmly said:
You're feeling strange today...
How I sat under my desk
As soon as the teacher turned to the board, I immediately went under the desk. When the teacher notices that I have disappeared, he will probably be terribly surprised.
I wonder what he'll think? He’ll start asking everyone where I’ve gone - it’ll be a laugh! Half the lesson has already passed, and I’m still sitting. “When,” I think, “will he see that I’m not in class?” And it’s hard to sit under the desk. My back even hurt. Try to sit like that! I coughed - no attention. I can't sit anymore. Moreover, Seryozha keeps poking me in the back with his foot. I couldn't stand it. Didn't make it to the end of the lesson. I get out and say:
Sorry, Pyotr Petrovich...
The teacher asks:
What's the matter? Do you want to go to the board?
No, excuse me, I was sitting under my desk...
Well, how comfortable is it to sit there, under the desk? You sat very quietly today. This is how it would always be in class.
When Goga started going to first grade, he knew only two letters: O - circle and T - hammer. That's all. I didn't know any other letters. And I couldn't read.
Grandmother tried to teach him, but he immediately came up with a trick:
Now, now, grandma, I’ll wash the dishes for you.
And he immediately ran to the kitchen to wash the dishes. And the old grandmother forgot about studying and even bought him gifts for helping him with the housework. And Gogin’s parents were on a long business trip and relied on their grandmother. And of course, they didn’t know that their son still hadn’t learned to read. But Goga often washed the floor and dishes, went to buy bread, and his grandmother praised him in every possible way in letters to his parents. And I read it aloud to him. And Goga, sitting comfortably on the sofa, listened with eyes closed. “Why should I learn to read,” he reasoned, “if my grandmother reads aloud to me.” He didn't even try.
And in class he dodged as best he could.
The teacher tells him:
Read it here.
He pretended to read, and he himself told from memory what his grandmother read to him. The teacher stopped him. To the laughter of the class, he said:
If you want, I’d better close the window so it doesn’t blow.
I'm so dizzy that I'm probably going to fall...
He pretended so skillfully that one day his teacher sent him to the doctor. The doctor asked:
How is your health?
It’s bad,” Goga said.
What hurts?
Well, then go to class.
Because nothing hurts you.
How do you know?
How do you know that? - the doctor laughed. And he slightly pushed Goga towards the exit. Goga never pretended to be sick again, but continued to prevaricate.
And the efforts of my classmates came to nothing. First, Masha, an excellent student, was assigned to him.
Let’s study seriously,” Masha told him.
When? - asked Goga.
Yeah right now.
“I’ll come now,” Goga said.
And he left and did not return.
Then Grisha, an excellent student, was assigned to him. They stayed in the classroom. But as soon as Grisha opened the primer, Goga reached under the desk.
Where are you going? - asked Grisha.
“Come here,” Goga called.
And here no one will interfere with us.
Yah you! - Grisha, of course, was offended and left immediately.
No one else was assigned to him.
As time went. He was dodging.
Gogin's parents arrived and found that their son could not read a single line. The father grabbed his head, and the mother grabbed the book she had brought for her child.
Now every evening,” she said, “I will read this wonderful book aloud to my son.
Grandmother said:
Yes, yes, I also read interesting books aloud to Gogochka every evening.
But the father said:
It was really in vain that you did this. Our Gogochka has become so lazy that he cannot read a single line. I ask everyone to leave for the meeting.
And dad, along with grandmother and mom, left for a meeting. And Goga was at first worried about the meeting, and then calmed down when his mother began to read to him from a new book. And he even shook his legs with pleasure and almost spat on the carpet.
But he didn't know what kind of meeting it was! What was decided there!
So, mom read him a page and a half after the meeting. And he, swinging his legs, naively imagined that this would continue to happen. But when mom stopped really interesting place, he became worried again.
And when she handed him the book, he became even more worried.
He immediately suggested:
Let me wash the dishes for you, mommy.
And he ran to wash the dishes.
He ran to his father.
His father sternly told him never to make such requests to him again.
He thrust the book to his grandmother, but she yawned and dropped it from her hands. He picked up the book from the floor and gave it to his grandmother again. But she dropped it from her hands again. No, she had never fallen asleep so quickly in her chair before! “Is she really asleep,” thought Goga, “or was she instructed to pretend at the meeting? “Goga tugged at her, shook her, but the grandmother did not even think about waking up.
In despair, he sat down on the floor and began to look at the pictures. But from the pictures it was difficult to understand what was happening there next.
He brought the book to class. But his classmates refused to read to him. Not only that: Masha immediately left, and Grisha defiantly reached under the desk.
Goga pestered the high school student, but he flicked him on the nose and laughed.
That's what a home meeting is all about!
This is what the public means!
He soon read the entire book and many other books, but out of habit he never forgot to go buy bread, wash the floor or wash the dishes.
That's what's interesting!
Who cares what's surprising?
Tanka is not surprised by anything. She always says: “That’s not surprising!” - even if it happens surprisingly. Yesterday, in front of everyone, I jumped over such a puddle... No one could jump over, but I jumped over! Everyone was surprised except Tanya.
“Just think! So what? It’s not surprising!”
I kept trying to surprise her. But he couldn't surprise me. No matter how hard I tried.
I hit a little sparrow with a slingshot.
I learned to walk on my hands and whistle with one finger in my mouth.
She saw it all. But I wasn't surprised.
I tried my best. What didn’t I do! Climbed trees, walked without a hat in winter...
She still wasn't surprised.
And one day I just went out into the yard with a book. I sat down on the bench. And he began to read.
I didn't even see Tanka. And she says:
Marvelous! I wouldn't have thought that! He reads!
Prize
We made original costumes - no one else will have them! I will be a horse, and Vovka will be a knight. The only bad thing is that he has to ride me, and not me on him. And all because I'm a little younger. True, we agreed with him: he will not ride me all the time. He’ll ride me a little, and then he’ll get off and lead me like horses are led by the bridle. And so we went to the carnival. We came to the club in ordinary suits, and then changed clothes and went into the hall. That is, we moved in. I crawled on all fours. And Vovka was sitting on my back. True, Vovka helped me - he walked on the floor with his feet. But it was still not easy for me.
And I haven't seen anything yet. I was wearing a horse mask. I couldn’t see anything at all, although the mask had holes for the eyes. But they were somewhere on the forehead. I was crawling in the dark.
I bumped into someone's feet. I ran into a column twice. Sometimes I shook my head, then the mask slipped off and I saw the light. But for a moment. And then it's dark again. I couldn't shake my head all the time!
At least for a moment I saw the light. But Vovka saw nothing at all. And he kept asking me what was ahead. And he asked me to crawl more carefully. I crawled carefully anyway. I didn’t see anything myself. How could I know what was ahead! Someone stepped on my hand. I stopped immediately. And he refused to crawl any further. I told Vovka:
Enough. Get off.
Vovka probably enjoyed the ride and didn’t want to get off. He said it was too early. But still he got down, took me by the bridle, and I crawled on. Now it was easier for me to crawl, although I still couldn’t see anything.
I suggested taking off the masks and looking at the carnival, and then putting the masks back on. But Vovka said:
Then they will recognize us.
It must be fun here,” I said. “But we don’t see anything...
But Vovka walked in silence. He firmly decided to endure until the end. Get first prize.
My knees started to hurt. I said:
I'll sit on the floor now.
Can horses sit? - said Vovka. “You’re crazy!” You're a horse!
“I’m not a horse,” I said. “You’re a horse yourself.”
“No, you’re a horse,” Vovka answered. “Otherwise we won’t get a bonus.”
Well, so be it,” I said. “I’m tired of it.”
“Be patient,” said Vovka.
I crawled to the wall, leaned against it and sat on the floor.
You are sitting? - asked Vovka.
“I’m sitting,” I said.
“Okay,” Vovka agreed. “You can still sit on the floor.” Just don't sit on the chair. Do you understand? A horse - and suddenly on a chair!..
Music was blaring all around and people were laughing.
I asked:
Will it end soon?
Be patient,” said Vovka, “probably soon...
Vovka couldn’t stand it either. I sat down on the sofa. I sat down next to him. Then Vovka fell asleep on the sofa. And I fell asleep too.
Then they woke us up and gave us a bonus.
In the closet
Before class, I climbed into the closet. I wanted to meow from the closet. They'll think it's a cat, but it's me.
I was sitting in the closet, waiting for the lesson to start, and didn’t notice how I fell asleep.
I wake up - the class is quiet. I look through the crack - there is no one. I pushed the door, but it was closed. So, I slept through the entire lesson. Everyone went home, and they locked me in the closet.
It's stuffy in the closet and dark as night. I got scared, I started screaming:
Uh-uh! I'm in the closet! Help!
I listened - silence all around.
ABOUT! Comrades! I'm sitting in the closet!
I hear someone's steps. Someone is coming.
Who's bawling here?
I immediately recognized Aunt Nyusha, the cleaning lady.
I was delighted and shouted:
Aunt Nyusha, I'm here!
Where are you, dear?
I'm in the closet! In the closet!
How did you, my dear, get there?
I'm in the closet, grandma!
So I hear that you are in the closet. So what do you want?
I was locked in a closet. Oh, grandma!
Aunt Nyusha left. Silence again. She probably went to get the key.
Pal Palych knocked on the cabinet with his finger.
There’s no one there,” said Pal Palych.
Why not? “Yes,” said Aunt Nyusha.
Well, where is he? - said Pal Palych and knocked on the closet again.
I was afraid that everyone would leave and I would remain in the closet, and I shouted with all my might:
I'm here!
Who are you? - asked Pal Palych.
I... Tsypkin...
Why did you go there, Tsypkin?
I was locked... I didn't get in...
Hm... He's locked up! But he didn’t get in! Have you seen it? What wizards there are in our school! They don't get into the closet when they are locked in the closet. Miracles don’t happen, do you hear, Tsypkin?
How long have you been sitting there? - asked Pal Palych.
Don't know...
Find the key,” said Pal Palych. - Fast.
Aunt Nyusha went to get the key, but Pal Palych stayed behind. He sat down on a chair nearby and began to wait. I saw his face through the crack. He was very angry. He lit a cigarette and said:
Well! This is what prank leads to. Tell me honestly: why are you in the closet?
I really wanted to disappear from the closet. They open the closet, and I’m not there. It was as if I had never been there. They will ask me: “Were you in the closet?” I will say: “I wasn’t.” They will say to me: “Who was there?” I will say: “I don’t know.”
But this only happens in fairy tales! Surely tomorrow they will call mom... Your son, they will say, climbed into the closet, slept there during all classes, and all that... as if it’s comfortable for me to sleep here! My legs ache, my back hurts. One torment! What was my answer?
I was silent.
Are you alive there? - asked Pal Palych.
Well, sit tight, they'll open soon...
I am sitting...
So... - said Pal Palych. - So will you answer me why you climbed into this closet?
Who? Tsypkin? In the closet? Why?
I wanted to disappear again.
The director asked:
Tsypkin, is that you?
I sighed heavily. I simply couldn't answer anymore.
Aunt Nyusha said:
The class leader took the key away.
“Break down the door,” said the director.
I felt the door being broken down, the closet shook, and I hit my forehead painfully. I was afraid that the cabinet would fall, and I cried. I pressed my hands against the walls of the closet, and when the door gave way and opened, I continued to stand in the same way.
Well, come out,” said the director. - And explain to us what that means.
I didn't move. I was scared.
Why is he standing? - asked the director.
I was pulled out of the closet.
I was silent the whole time.
I didn't know what to say.
I just wanted to meow. But how would I put it...
Carousel in my head
By the end of the school year, I asked my father to buy me a two-wheeler, a battery-powered submachine gun, a battery-powered airplane, a flying helicopter, and a table hockey game.
I really want to have these things! - I told my father. “They are constantly spinning in my head like a carousel, and this makes my head so dizzy that it is difficult to stay on my feet.”
“Hold on,” said the father, “don’t fall and write all these things on a piece of paper for me so that I don’t forget.”
But why write, they are already firmly in my head.
Write,” said the father, “it doesn’t cost you anything.”
“In general, it’s worth nothing,” I said, “just extra hassle.” And I wrote in large letters on the entire sheet:
VILISAPET
PISTAL GUN
VIRTALET
Then I thought about it and decided to write “ice cream”, went to the window, looked at the sign opposite and added:
ICE CREAM
The father read it and said:
I'll buy you some ice cream for now, and we'll wait for the rest.
I thought he had no time now, and I asked:
Until what time?
Until better times.
Until what?
Until the next end of the school year.
Yes, because the letters in your head are spinning like a carousel, this makes you dizzy, and the words are not on their feet.
It's as if words have legs!
And they’ve bought me ice cream a hundred times already.
Betball
Today you shouldn’t go outside - today is the game... - Dad said mysteriously, looking out the window.
Which? - I asked from behind my dad’s back.
“Wetball,” he answered even more mysteriously and sat me down on the windowsill.
A-ah-ah... - I drawled.
Apparently, dad guessed that I didn’t understand anything and began to explain.
Wetball is like football, only it is played by trees, and instead of a ball, they are kicked by the wind. We say hurricane or storm, and they say wetball. Look how the birch trees rustled - it’s the poplars that are giving in to them... Wow! How they swayed - it’s clear that they missed a goal, they couldn’t hold back the wind with branches... Well, another pass! Dangerous moment...
Dad spoke just like a real commentator, and I, spellbound, looked at the street and thought that wetball would probably give 100 points ahead to any football, basketball and even handball! Although I didn’t fully understand the meaning of the latter either...
Breakfast
Actually, I love breakfast. Especially if mom cooks sausage instead of porridge or makes sandwiches with cheese. But sometimes you want something unusual. For example, today's or yesterday's. I once asked my mother for an afternoon snack, but she looked at me in surprise and offered me an afternoon snack.
No, I say, I would like today’s one. Well, or yesterday, at worst...
Yesterday there was soup for lunch... - Mom was confused. - Should I warm it up?
In general, I didn’t understand anything.
And I myself don’t really understand what these today’s and yesterday’s ones look like and what they taste like. Maybe yesterday's soup really tastes like yesterday's soup. But what then does the taste of today’s wine taste like? Probably something today. Breakfast, for example. On the other hand, why are breakfasts called that? Well, that is, according to the rules, then breakfast should be called segodnik, because they prepared it for me today and I will eat it today. Now, if I leave it for tomorrow, then it’s a completely different matter. Although no. After all, tomorrow he will already be yesterday.
So do you want porridge or soup? - she asked carefully.
How the boy Yasha ate poorly
Yasha was good to everyone, but he ate poorly. All the time with concerts. Either mom sings to him, then dad shows him tricks. And he gets along well:
- Don't want.
Mom says:
- Yasha, eat your porridge.
- Don't want.
Dad says:
- Yasha, drink juice!
- Don't want.
Mom and Dad are tired of trying to persuade him every time. And then my mother read in one scientific pedagogical book that children do not need to be persuaded to eat. You need to put a plate of porridge in front of them and wait until they get hungry and eat everything.
They set and placed plates in front of Yasha, but he didn’t eat or eat anything. He doesn’t eat cutlets, soup, or porridge. He became thin and dead, like a straw.
-Yasha, eat porridge!
- Don't want.
- Yasha, eat your soup!
- Don't want.
Previously, his pants were difficult to fasten, but now he was hanging out completely freely in them. It was possible to put another Yasha in these pants.
And then one day a strong wind blew. And Yasha was playing in the area. He was very light, and the wind blew him around the area. I rolled to the wire mesh fence. And there Yasha got stuck.
So he sat, pressed against the fence by the wind, for an hour.
Mom calls:
- Yasha, where are you? Go home and suffer with the soup.
But he doesn't come. You can't even hear him. He not only became dead, but his voice also became dead. You can't hear anything about him squeaking there.
And he squeaks:
- Mom, take me away from the fence!
Mom began to worry - where did Yasha go? Where to look for it? Yasha is neither seen nor heard.
Dad said this:
“I think our Yasha was blown away somewhere by the wind.” Come on, mom, we'll take the pot of soup out onto the porch. The wind will blow and bring the smell of soup to Yasha. He will come crawling to this delicious smell.
And so they did. They took the pot of soup out onto the porch. The wind carried the smell to Yasha.
How Yasha smelled it delicious soup, immediately crawled towards the smell. Because I was cold and lost a lot of strength.
He crawled, crawled, crawled for half an hour. But I achieved my goal. He came to his mother’s kitchen and immediately ate a whole pot of soup! How can he eat three cutlets at once? How can he drink three glasses of compote?
Mom was amazed. She didn't even know whether to be happy or sad. She says:
“Yasha, if you eat like this every day, I won’t have enough food.”
Yasha reassured her:
- No, mom, I won’t eat that much every day. This is me correcting past mistakes. I will, like all children, eat well. I'll be a completely different boy.
He wanted to say “I will,” but he came up with “bubu.” Do you know why? Because his mouth was stuffed with an apple. He couldn't stop.
Since then, Yasha has been eating well.
Secrets
Do you know how to make secrets?
If you don't know how, I'll teach you.
Take a clean piece of glass and dig a hole in the ground. Place a candy wrapper in the hole, and on the candy wrapper - everything that is beautiful.
You can put a stone, a fragment of a plate, a bead, a bird feather, a ball (can be glass, can be metal).
You can use an acorn or an acorn cap.
You can use a multi-colored shred.
You can have a flower, a leaf, or even just grass.
Maybe real candy.
You can have elderberry, dry beetle.
You can even use an eraser if it’s pretty.
Yes, you can also add a button if it’s shiny.
Here you go. Did you put it in?
Now cover it all with glass and cover it with earth. And then slowly clear away the soil with your finger and look into the hole... You know how beautiful it will be! I made a secret, remembered the place and left.
The next day my “secret” was gone. Someone dug it up. Some kind of hooligan.
I made a “secret” in another place. And they dug it up again!
Then I decided to track down who was involved in this matter... And of course, this person turned out to be Pavlik Ivanov, who else?!
Then I made a “secret” again and put a note in it:
“Pavlik Ivanov, you are a fool and a hooligan.”
An hour later the note was gone. Pavlik did not look me in the eyes.
Well, did you read it? - I asked Pavlik.
“I haven’t read anything,” Pavlik said. - You yourself are a fool.
Composition
One day we were told to write an essay in class on the topic “I help my mother.”
I took a pen and began to write:
"I always help my mom. I sweep the floor and wash the dishes. Sometimes I wash handkerchiefs.”
I didn't know what to write anymore. I looked at Lyuska. She scribbled in her notebook.
Then I remembered that I washed my stockings once, and wrote:
“I also wash stockings and socks.”
I didn’t really know what to write anymore. But you can’t submit such a short essay!
Then I wrote:
“I also wash T-shirts, shirts and underpants.”
I looked around. Everyone wrote and wrote. I wonder what they write about? You might think that they help their mother from morning to night!
And the lesson did not end. And I had to continue.
“I also wash dresses, mine and my mother’s, napkins and bedspreads.”
And the lesson did not end and did not end. And I wrote:
“I also like to wash curtains and tablecloths.”
And then the bell finally rang!
They gave me a high five. The teacher read my essay out loud. She said that she liked my essay the most. And that she will read it at the parent meeting.
I really asked my mother not to go to the parent meeting. I said that my throat hurts. But mom told dad to give me hot milk with honey and went to school.
The next morning at breakfast the following conversation took place.
Mom: Do you know, Syoma, it turns out that our daughter writes essays wonderfully!
Dad: It doesn't surprise me. She was always good at composing.
Mom: No, really! I’m not kidding, Vera Evstigneevna praises her. She was very pleased that our daughter loves to wash curtains and tablecloths.
Dad: What?!
Mom: Really, Syoma, this is wonderful? - Addressing me: - Why have you never admitted this to me before?
“I was shy,” I said. - I thought you wouldn’t let me.
Well, what are you talking about! - Mom said. - Don't be shy, please! Wash our curtains today. It's good that I don't have to drag them to the laundry!
I rolled my eyes. The curtains were huge. Ten times I could wrap myself in them! But it was too late to retreat.
I washed the curtains piece by piece. While I was soaping one piece, the other was completely blurry. I'm just exhausted with these pieces! Then I rinsed the bathroom curtains bit by bit. When I finished squeezing one piece, water from neighboring pieces was poured into it again.
Then I climbed onto a stool and began hanging the curtains on the rope.
Well, that was the worst! While I was pulling one piece of curtain onto the rope, another fell to the floor. And in the end, the whole curtain fell to the floor, and I fell onto it from the stool.
I became completely wet - just squeeze it out.
The curtain had to be dragged into the bathroom again. But the kitchen floor sparkled like new.
Water poured out of the curtains all day.
I put all the pots and pans we had under the curtains. Then she put the kettle, three bottles and all the cups and saucers on the floor. But water still flooded the kitchen.
Oddly enough, my mother was pleased.
You did a great job washing the curtains! - Mom said, walking around the kitchen in galoshes. - I didn’t know you were so capable! Tomorrow you will wash the tablecloth...
What is my head thinking?
If you think that I study well, you are mistaken. I study no matter. For some reason, everyone thinks that I am capable, but lazy. I don't know if I'm capable or not. But only I know for sure that I am not lazy. I spend three hours working on problems.
For example, now I’m sitting and trying with all my might to solve a problem. But she doesn’t dare. I tell my mom:
Mom, I can’t do the problem.
Don’t be lazy, says mom. - Think carefully, and everything will work out. Just think carefully!
She leaves on business. And I take my head with both hands and tell her:
Think, head. Think carefully... “Two pedestrians went from point A to point B...” Head, why don’t you think? Well, head, well, think, please! Well what is it worth to you!
A cloud floats outside the window. It is as light as feathers. There it stopped. No, it floats on.
Head, what are you thinking about?! Aren `t you ashamed!!! “Two pedestrians went from point A to point B...” Lyuska probably left too. She's already walking. If she had approached me first, I would, of course, forgive her. But will she really fit, such a mischief?!
“...From point A to point B...” No, she won’t do. On the contrary, when I go out into the yard, she will take Lena’s arm and whisper to her. Then she will say: “Len, come to me, I have something.” They will leave, and then sit on the windowsill and laugh and nibble on seeds.
“...Two pedestrians left point A to point B...” And what will I do?.. And then I’ll call Kolya, Petka and Pavlik to play lapta. What will she do? Yeah, she'll play the Three Fat Men record. Yes, so loud that Kolya, Petka and Pavlik will hear and run to ask her to let them listen. They've listened to it a hundred times, but it's not enough for them! And then Lyuska will close the window, and they will all listen to the record there.
“...From point A to point... to point...” And then I’ll take it and fire something right at her window. Glass - ding! - and will fly apart. Let him know.
So. I'm already tired of thinking. Think, don’t think, the task will not work. Just an awfully difficult task! I'll take a walk a little and start thinking again.
I closed the book and looked out the window. Lyuska was walking alone in the yard. She jumped into hopscotch. I went out into the yard and sat down on a bench. Lyuska didn’t even look at me.
Earring! Vitka! - Lyuska immediately screamed. - Let's go play lapta!
The Karmanov brothers looked out the window.
“We have a throat,” both brothers said hoarsely. - They won't let us in.
Lena! - Lyuska screamed. - Linen! Come out!
Instead of Lena, her grandmother looked out and shook her finger at Lyuska.
Pavlik! - Lyuska screamed.
No one appeared at the window.
Whoops! - Lyuska pressed herself.
Girl, why are you yelling?! - Someone's head poked out of the window. - A sick person is not allowed to rest! There is no peace for you! - And his head stuck back into the window.
Lyuska looked at me furtively and blushed like a lobster. She tugged at her pigtail. Then she took the thread off her sleeve. Then she looked at the tree and said:
Lucy, let's play hopscotch.
Come on, I said.
We jumped into hopscotch and I went home to solve my problem.
As soon as I sat down at the table, my mother came:
Well, how's the problem?
Does not work.
But you’ve been sitting over it for two hours already! This is just terrible! They give the children some puzzles!.. Well, show me your problem! Maybe I can do it? After all, I graduated from college. So. “Two pedestrians went from point A to point B...” Wait, wait, this problem is somehow familiar to me! Listen, you and your dad decided it last time! I remember perfectly!
How? - I was surprised. - Really? Oh, really, this is the forty-fifth problem, and we were given the forty-sixth.
At this point my mother became terribly angry.
It's outrageous! - Mom said. - This is unheard of! This mess! Where is your head?! What is she thinking about?!
About my friend and a little about me
Our yard was large. There were a lot of different children walking in our yard - both boys and girls. But most of all I loved Lyuska. She was my friend. She and I lived in neighboring apartments, and at school we sat at the same desk.
My friend Lyuska had straight yellow hair. And she had eyes!.. You probably won’t believe what kind of eyes she had. One eye is green, like grass. And the other one is completely yellow, with brown spots!
And my eyes were kind of gray. Well, just gray, that's all. Completely uninteresting eyes! And my hair was stupid - curly and short. And huge freckles on my nose. And in general, everything with Lyuska was better than with me. Only I was taller.
I was terribly proud of it. I really liked it when people called us “Big Lyuska” and “Little Lyuska” in the yard.
And suddenly Lyuska grew up. And it became unclear which of us is big and which is small.
And then she grew another half head.
Well, that was too much! I was offended by her, and we stopped walking together in the yard. At school I didn’t look in her direction, and she didn’t look in mine, and everyone was very surprised and said: “Between the Lyuskas.” black cat ran through,” and pestered us about why we had quarreled.
After school, I no longer went out into the yard. There was nothing for me to do there.
I wandered around the house and found no place for myself. To make things less boring, I secretly watched from behind the curtain as Lyuska played rounders with Pavlik, Petka and the Karmanov brothers.
At lunch and dinner I now asked for more. I choked and ate everything... Every day I pressed the back of my head against the wall and marked my height on it with a red pencil. But strange thing! It turned out that not only was I not growing, but, on the contrary, I had even decreased by almost two millimeters!
And then summer came, and I went to a pioneer camp.
In the camp, I kept remembering Lyuska and missing her.
And I wrote her a letter.
“Hello, Lucy!
How are you? I'm doing well. We have a lot of fun at camp. The Vorya river flows next to us. The water there is blue-blue! And there are shells on the shore. I found a very beautiful shell for you. It is round and with stripes. You'll probably find it useful. Lucy, if you want, let's be friends again. Let them now call you big and me small. I still agree. Please write me the answer.
Pioneer greetings!
Lyusya Sinitsyna"
I waited a whole week for an answer. I kept thinking: what if she doesn’t write to me! What if she never wants to be friends with me again!.. And when a letter finally arrived from Lyuska, I was so happy that my hands even shook a little.
The letter said this:
“Hello, Lucy!
Thank you, I'm doing well. Yesterday my mother bought me wonderful slippers with white piping. I also have a new big ball, you'll really get pumped! Come quickly, otherwise Pavlik and Petka are such fools, it’s no fun to be with them! Be careful not to lose the shell.
With pioneer salute!
Lyusya Kositsyna"
That day I carried Lyuska’s blue envelope with me until the evening. I told everyone what a wonderful friend I have in Moscow, Lyuska.
And when I returned from the camp, Lyuska and my parents met me at the station. She and I rushed to hug... And then it turned out that I had outgrown Lyuska by a whole head.
