Childhood grief: how to help a child cope with the death of a loved one? How to cope with the death of a child? Advice from a psychologist Is it possible to survive the death of a child.

The death of a loved one is always difficult to cope with. But when a child dies, it is a terrible loss for his parents. It is on working with such losses that the psychologists of the St. Petersburg public organization of social assistance “Family Information Center” focused. The loss of a child can become a deep lifelong trauma for both parents - for those who drown themselves in this trauma, in despair, relationships both within the family and connections with external society collapse or become distorted. The center's psychologist Nadezhda Stepanova tells how the specialists of the Family Information Center help parents and other family members cope with the death of a child and find new hopes.

"Family Information Center" helps women survivors of perinatal loss and their families, families who have lost a child, as well as at the birth of a premature baby or a child with a disability.

— Who experiences the loss more difficult – a family that has lost a baby, or a family that has lost an older child?

— If we say that it is harder to lose an older child than a newborn, then I both agree and no. Each family, each situation has its own characteristics. But yes, parents form more and more social and psychological connections as the child grows, these include clubs, kindergarten, friends, relatives... all these people and communities came into contact with the child, the family. These parents thus had more memories and hopes. And even after the birth of another child in the family, the parents still have memories of what was lost, but this is natural. It’s another question if the parents did not internally grieve this loss, and this could be for various reasons. For example, one of the parents was indirectly to blame for the child’s death in an accident.

— It turns out that selfishness predominates in people’s experiences: “I’m worried because my expectations did not come true,” “My grief,” and so on. But then there is very little space left for the departed children themselves...

“But this most often happens when you lose any loved one, not necessarily a child. More often we worry not about him, but about the fact that we are left without him and now we need to rebuild our world. We cry about ourselves, our unfulfilled dreams, plans, expectations...

— How many parents who have lost their children suffer from feelings of guilt? And how do you work with people if this guilt is real?

- Everyone suffers. How to work is a very difficult question. When a young woman, eight months pregnant, jumps from a parachute and loses her child, it is, of course, very difficult to work with her - she understands that she is to blame, that her actions provoked the loss. But here we need to admit the fact - yes, the act was rash. Perhaps the woman was not very ready for motherhood; in her picture of the world it was not at all assumed that children could die. Or the family was preparing for the birth of a child, they did everything that was necessary and possible, but the feeling of guilt is still present. How to work? Depending on the situation. It is impossible to say that the feeling of guilt goes away quickly and forever. Sometimes this takes a long time.

— The funeral of a deceased child - in what way do you discuss this problem with clients? Especially when it comes to newborn babies.

“Often mothers sometimes don’t even want to look at their dead newborn children, they don’t want to take them away to bury them. Until a certain time, it was the practice of doctors to say: “Why do you need to look?” But if a woman did not bury her child, she later develops all sorts of terrible pictures. For example, a woman came to talk about her grandchildren (she is a fairly young grandmother), but it turned out that a child died in her first marriage, but she did not look at him, did not take him, and then she began to imagine his appearance, then I started looking on the Internet for information about what happens to the bodies of such babies - some say that they are used as biomaterial, others say that they are thrown into a common pit, and so on. And she says: “I began to imagine all this. How can I live with this now?” Families come to me who have already made a decision, the woman left the maternity hospital and now she is looking for confirmation from me that she did the right thing by refusing to look at the child and bury him. But for believers, the question of whether or not to bury a child does not arise at all. Therefore, it is important that psychologists working with such families have a unified approach and understand the need and importance of this stage. In Germany, if a family at first does not want to look at the child and bury him, they are given some time to reflect on their desires and actions, during which time the family can change their decision. It would be great if we adopted their practice.

— If there are already other children in the family, do you work with them too?

- Yes. You definitely need to work with children. After all, children understand what is happening. If their parents do not tell them about what happened, they develop neuroses and fears, sometimes not directly related to death. And parents often do not inform their children about the death of a sibling. They explain it like this: “Why?” Especially if a newborn baby dies, they come up with some kind of story or generally impose a ban on this topic. At the same time, the child sees that everyone is crying, that mom and dad have no time for him, they can send him to his grandparents. The child feels separated from the family, in a kind of isolation zone. And he begins to have his own fantasies, which he then has to deal with on his own; a child’s fantasies are sometimes worse than reality. So I think that a child should definitely be told about the death of his brother or sister, but find the right time for this and think about what words to say.

- But the child himself can acutely experience the death of a brother or sister.

- Certainly. Again, especially if there is already some history of their communication. And most importantly: in any case, the child may also become depressed due to such events in the family. It is believed that if a child jumps and gallops, it means he is having fun and good. But in this way he can attract the attention of his parents so that they switch their minds and become happy, and the child thus receives for himself the “former” parents, the same as they were before the loss.

— How should other neighbors of those who are experiencing the loss of a child behave? What can’t be said, and what can and should be said?

“Rather, I’ll say what’s not allowed.” You can’t say right after it happened: “You will have more children.” After all, the parents have not yet cried or burned out. You cannot offer to go to work, forget yourself, stop crying - that is, you cannot offer any kind of blocking of emotions. Moreover, you cannot say: “I’m tired of you crying.” You cannot blame, even if the parents are objectively to blame for the death of the child. You cannot devalue the loss: “the pregnancy was at the wrong time,” “no matter what is done, everything is for the better,” and the like... The parents themselves already have enough feelings of guilt, they just need to support them. In general, you can touch on these topics only when the parents themselves want to talk about it. What should I do? Give the opportunity to cry as much as necessary. But at the same time, look at whether a person withdraws into himself or not. If he leaves society, this is an alarming sign. In this case, you need to call, come, and not leave with your attention. Talk and, most importantly, listen, restraining yourself from advice and comparisons: you cannot say that someone has everything much worse, this is also devaluation.

— What if a person sharply refuses to communicate?

“If a person lives alone, then you still need to call sometimes, just to say: “I’m here, you can call me at any time.” You can write SMS, write messages on the Internet, on Skype. Today there are many opportunities to let a person know that he is not alone.

- A woman needs to be allowed to cry. What about the man?

- Men cry too. And it’s great when a man can afford it. I suggest that men, if possible, take a joint vacation - in order to be with themselves and with their spouse. Some families leave - but not for fun, but in order to jump out of a familiar and traumatic space. It is important for a man to know how he can help his wife, how to answer questions from others, for example: “Yes, we lost a child, but now I don’t want to talk about it.” But this does not mean that he does not worry and a man does not need time to cope with the loss.

— Do people come to you years after a loss?

— I must say that right away, that is, in an acute state of grief, grief rarely comes. But it happens that they come after a very long time. Sometimes they come with other questions regarding family relationships, and when I start asking about the family’s past, it turns out that there was a loss of a child. And here, if a person is ready to talk about it, then either this is a lived story, and he tells it the same way I can tell my story, or these are strong feelings, emotions, grief is re-experienced, people say: “We didn’t tell anyone about this.” "

— Can older people who once experienced loss somehow support young people with the same problem?

- Certainly. An older person might say, “Look at me, I’m 75 years old. It’s hard for you now, you can’t forget it, but you can survive it.” Now I will say a phrase that may shock many in this context: one way or another, any experience enriches a person. Suffering also makes our picture of the world richer. And here older people can show this with their own examples. But when the only grandson or granddaughter dies, the grandparents’ experiences are no less intense than those of the child’s parents. This is also due to their unfulfilled expectations; they think that they may not have other grandchildren.

— Maybe, in general, one of the main problems is that we expect too much from each other?

- Yes. And when our expectations and our fantasies do not come true, it becomes a disaster for us. There are people who are ready to quickly adapt, and there are people who are not ready. Of course, in a crisis situation any discrepancies become aggravated.

“There’s an old saying: “God gave, God took.” Essentially, this is a summary of a fragment from the biblical Book of Job. Do you think people used to take the deaths of their children easier?

- I think so. There was more trust in God and an understanding that man is not able to fully control his life and death. And I also have to tell clients that each of us has our own deadline.

— Doesn’t the lack of such understanding give rise to hyper-responsibility?

— I constantly talk about this at seminars and webinars – not only on bereavement, but also on problems related to children in general. Still, parents need to be simpler in certain matters. Sorry, but in the 50s and 60s, a child often had a single enamel pot. And now they reason: “Well, the child doesn’t go to the blue potty, let’s buy him a red one.” And the mother is told that if her child does not go to the potty at one and a half years old, then she is a bad mother. And there is another point: before, women gave birth to how many children? How much God gave. And now? Most have one or two. Moreover, social and economic conditions could have been much worse before. Therefore, I often say that there is no need to neuroticize parents - they also have a life besides the child. It is a disaster for a child when the life of his parents is focused only on him. Parents of children with special needs are more susceptible to this. I remember one family in which the youngest child had very severe symptoms - bedridden, with mental retardation. He lived to be 10 years old and at this age could only lie down and roll around - nothing more. But his father is a doctor, his mother is a teacher, both worked and work, they did not stop their lives, but they did not send the child to a boarding school. The child lived with them. What did they do? They secured the space in which he was located, for example, they made him a sleeping place almost on the floor - so that he would not fall or hit himself.

— Did this couple not have a feeling of guilt due to the fact that they perhaps should have been more involved with the child, and then he would have reached at least a slightly higher level of development?

- You know, I think that such thoughts can arise in any parent - it doesn’t matter whether his child is healthy or sick, whether he is alive or dead. There is always a feeling that you didn’t do something, didn’t deliver enough, didn’t have time, overlooked it... But this couple still tried to give their child a lot - they continued to work on his rehabilitation even when the specialists told them that there would be no progress. The parents answered: “But he’s alive, so we’ll do it.”

— You also work with families with children with disabilities. Can a family turn to you if they are still afraid that their child will either be born with developmental disabilities or will not survive?

— Our project provides for us to catch a family when, even at the stage of pregnancy, doctors discover that the child may have some kind of pathology. Here it is very important to let the woman understand that she is not God, but a mother, and is doing the maximum that she can. If the whole family is involved during this period, then it is very important to help everyone decide what and how each of them can do in this situation. When a family comes out of disorientation and moves into real action, it gives people the opportunity to see both those actions and their results, which ultimately gives hope. After all, there is such a problem: often, if a woman gives birth to a child with certain developmental disorders, she fences herself off from society: “No one will understand me.” She has a fear of being judged - and indeed, not everyone around her understands what is happening. And here our task is to restore her connection with society. How to form social connections in this case? Introduce the family to other families who have similar problems. Families can share real experiences, addresses of medical institutions, organizations whose work has the specifics of working with certain disorders. In addition, our society as a whole is still changing - and many families with disabilities receive moral support from the most ordinary people, their neighbors, for example.

Question from Irina, St. Petersburg:

When will the lectures be? How to learn to live again if children have died and you don’t want to live?

Answered by Tatyana Sosnovskaya, teacher, psychologist:

There is probably nothing worse in this world than when parents have to bury their own children. There is something wrong and unnatural about this. The world turns upside down and turns from white to black. How to survive the death of children when your whole life was dedicated to them?

With the departure of children, meaning, joy, and hope also disappear. A black, burning and cold emptiness fills from the inside, not allowing you to breathe, not allowing you to live.

How to live if your children and your future are no longer there?

Unbearable pain, melancholy, despair - these are the feelings that a parent experiences when they lose a child.

Feeling guilty because I didn’t save, couldn’t help in time, didn’t prevent the tragedy.

Anger at the one who is to blame, at the one who survived. To fate. On God, who allowed all this.

It’s also difficult to look at other children. Because they are alive, they make their parents happy. But my children are nowhere in this world. In addition to photographs, videos and memories.

Memories are all that remain. Memories without hope for the future.

After the death of a child, life seems to fall apart. And it is not clear how to collect these pieces. And how to start living again. And the most important thing that is not clear is why to live.

If such a tragedy has occurred in your life or in the lives of someone you know, please read this article to the end. We will try to help you cope with the death of your child. System-vector psychology helps to cope with severe conditions and find the lost meaning of life.

The most important thing is not to isolate yourself!

It is almost impossible to survive the death of a child alone!

Grief separates a person from the whole world. It's hard to look at other people. It seems that no one can understand: they didn’t lose their children! But the worst thing you can do is close yourself off from everything and isolate yourself in your grief. After the loss of a child, parents have a huge void in their souls that was previously filled by the child. It becomes unclear what to do with your free time, who to take care of, who to worry about. It seems like this emptiness will never be filled.

But that's not true.

Man is not created to live alone. All the good and all the bad that we have, we get from other people. Therefore, to begin with, do not refuse the help of other people, do not hesitate to ask friends to stay nearby, or try to find the strength to leave the house.

When a person experiences such grief as the death of a child, it seems to him that his suffering is unbearable. But look around: has the suffering of other people stopped? Have other people's children stopped dying?

All our children

The basic law of psychology: in order to reduce the pain of one’s own suffering, one must help another. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan reveals the meaning of the concept in a new way: for the world there are no children of our own or others. For the world, “all children are ours.”

Perhaps these words will sound a little harsh: but if your own children are gone, does this mean that no one else needs your help? Does this mean that there are no other children or adults who need your help?

After all, we love our children and take care of them not because we expect gratitude from them. We are doing this for their future, for future generations. The flow of love directed into the future cannot be stopped. The care that your children can no longer receive must be directed to others, otherwise love will turn into frozen stone and kill you.

And somewhere another child will die without love.

Only transferring your love for a departed child to others can help you survive the death of a child and turn black melancholy into light sadness, when the memory of him does not paralyze or numb, but gives energy and strength.

People experience grief differently

Some people cope faster, while others cannot get out of this state for many years. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains why this happens. Each person has his own characteristics. The person with and vectors has the hardest time coping with the loss of a child.

For a person with an anal vector, family is sacred. This is what he lives for. And he perceives what happened to his child as a huge injustice. The peculiarity of the manifestations of the anal vector is that for it the past is more important than the present. Therefore, it is very important for such a person to preserve his memory. He can endlessly look at photographs or sort through the things of a deceased child, and visit his grave in the cemetery every day. It is most difficult for a person with the anal vector to say goodbye to the past, forgive everyone, and begin to live on after the loss of a child. However, memory, the past, memories can become bright when we do not say “with longing: they are not, but with gratitude: they were.”

The visual vector gives its owner an extraordinary amplitude of feelings and experiences. For a person with a visual vector, emotional connection is very important. The severance of the emotional connection that occurs with the death of a child brings suffering that in the fullest sense of the word seems unbearable. There may even be suicidal thoughts. Because it is in love and emotional connection that the meaning of the viewer’s life lies. It is very important that there are other people around such a person.

The visual vector contains the enormous power of love, the greatest that exists on earth. But if a person turns it on himself and begins to feel sorry for himself, then his condition only worsens, up to attacks of hysteria and panic attacks. But if you switch all the power of love of the visual vector to others, then the pain in the heart recedes, life becomes easier. No, the soul does not harden, the memory of the departed child is not erased. But meaning appears, and with it the strength to live. And joy gradually returns.

Experiencing grief in other vectors also gives its own characteristics. Many people were helped to cope with the loss of a child by trainings in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. Here are some of them:

“It became easier after the loss of my only son (consequences of a terrorist attack), resentment against parents, depression went away, self-esteem increased, a desire to work, confidence, and understanding of others appeared.”

“It was very difficult for me to overcome grief - the loss of a loved one. Fear of death, phobias, panic attacks did not allow me to live. I contacted specialists - to no avail. At the very first lesson of the visual vector training, relief and understanding immediately came to me of what was happening to me. Love and gratitude are what I felt instead of the horror that was before. The training gave me a new outlook. This is a completely different quality of life, a new quality of relationships, new sensations and feelings - POSITIVE!”

Don’t refuse help, come to free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. And you will understand that it is possible to cope with trouble, you can find the strength to continue living and regain the joy of life. Register.

Having decided to have a child, a couple takes on great responsibility, because the little person needs to be cared for around the clock. However, the joys of parenthood make up for all the stress and anxiety.

Sometimes life deals a heavy blow to a family, depriving mom and dad of their beloved children. Not every person can survive the death of a child, especially if he feels his own guilt. However, one should never give up in such a situation, because even such a horrific tragedy does not end life.

Getting rid of guilt

How to survive the death of your child is a question literally dripping with pain. Psychologists note that regardless of the reasons for the child’s death, his parents still feel guilty. They did not notice, remained on the sidelines, did not come to help in difficult times. Even if the baby died from a serious illness or died in a plane crash for reasons beyond the control of mom and dad, they will still reproach themselves for what happened for the rest of their lives.

That is why getting rid of guilt is the first step to healing the soul. In what ways can this feeling be, if not overcome, then at least drowned out?

1. You need to imagine how the child himself would react to everything that is happening. It is unlikely that he would blame mom and dad. Moreover, the baby probably wanted his parents to be happy even after he left.
2. It is necessary to think about what happened as little as possible, to analyze the causes of the tragedy and one’s own actions. No person can change the past, which means that blaming yourself is simply useless.
3. Often consolation can be found in religion. The Bible will teach desperate parents that they need to forgive not only those around them, but also themselves.
4. If the parents were truly to blame for the death of the child, they should engage in charity. Try to atone for your wrongdoing by helping other people.

How to survive the death of a daughter or son if the pangs of conscience do not subside? Often people themselves awaken feelings of guilt. They believe that they deserve to suffer, and if the pain subsides, they deliberately stir up memories to awaken it. Such behavior is unacceptable because it causes suffering not only for the person, but also for everyone around him.

In such a situation, you need to try to forget about the past, temporarily remove photographs of the deceased family member, and try to be distracted by something else. Over time, the mental pain will be much less noticeable. The wound will never completely heal, but the grieving parent will be able to let go of the problem.

Another mistake is regularly visiting the grave. When a person is in the place where his child is buried, the soul is literally torn to pieces. You should visit the cemetery as rarely as possible, without reproaching yourself for indifference. Life must go on despite the fact that it will never be the same.

How to start a new life

Any person who finds himself in such a difficult situation is trying to understand how to live after the death of a child. . It seems that the light has gone out, everything around has lost its meaning and significance. Often in such a situation, people decide to commit suicide, because they simply do not see the point in continuing their torment.

However, psychologists note that effective methods do exist, and here are just the most effective of them:

The father and mother of the deceased child will literally have to start life from scratch. They need to find a new place to live, perhaps change their social circle and interests. All this will help, if not to stop suffering, then at least to forget.

Psychologists note that pain often does not leave a person throughout his life. However, over time, he learns to treat her philosophically, ignoring remorse.

When the worries subside, you can meet with old friends, return to the apartment where the child once lived, and get old photographs. However, while the wound is fresh, storing the heir’s belongings and memories will only cause endless suffering.

How not to deal with the problem

A psychologist's advice on how to cope with the death of a child often turns out to be ineffective. As a result, a person begins to look for his own treatment options, which are not always safe for his psychological or physical health.

What methods of dealing with the problem are considered absolutely unacceptable?

What is a natural human reaction to tragedy? He is trying to hide, to protect himself from the influence of others, while simultaneously looking for the culprit for what happened. However, such behavior only generates negativity. Hatred, pain, depression - all these companions of a family tragedy will relentlessly follow a person if he chooses the above methods of dealing with what happened.

How should you proceed? Firstly, you need to talk about the pain, not store it in your heart. To do this, you can communicate with a psychologist, with your significant other, or with people who have been in a similar situation. Secondly, you should be open to the world. Life gives a person not only pain or suffering, but also incredible joy. The wider he opens his heart to something good, the faster it will happen. Thirdly, you need to let go of the problem and try to treat it philosophically. All this will help over time, if not to forget about the tragedy, then at least to reduce mental suffering.

The birth of a new child as a way to forget about the death of the previous one

The death of a baby is such a big tragedy that some parents simply refuse to believe what happened. They try to fill the void in their lives in every way possible, including turning to a new pregnancy. Is it good or bad?

It is difficult even for psychologists to answer this question unambiguously. They note that the hasty birth of a new baby is only an attempt to forget about the problem. Parents don't want to have a child. Moreover, they are catastrophically afraid of a repetition of the previous tragedy. As a result, mom and dad have a contradictory attitude towards the baby, making him a copy of the deceased brother or sister.

However, this does not mean that motherhood or fatherhood should be abandoned forever. You can experience such joy in the following cases:

• if several months or years have passed since the tragedy, and the parents have mentally coped with what happened;
• if they sincerely want to have another child, understanding the difficulties they will face;
• if parents perceive the appearance of a child as a way to atone for old mistakes, and not as an option to replace a dead baby;
• if people are mentally ready to start a completely new life.

A child is not a pet, with the help of whose love and affection you can temporarily forget about the tragedy. This is a separate person who should not be dominated by tragedies from the past. That is why the decision about next parenthood should be balanced and mutual.

Often the mother and father of a deceased child turn to adoption. For them, this becomes a way not only to hear children's laughter again, but also to do a good deed. In this case, psychologists advise taking a baby from the orphanage who is as unlike the deceased heir as possible. Then it will be easier for the spouses not to associate the new family member with the previous child.

When trying to learn how to cope with the death of a newborn child, parents must understand that it will not be possible to get rid of the pain completely. This terrible grief will always remind itself, but suffering can be reduced. To do this, sometimes it is enough to open your heart to a new day, stop reproaching yourself, while preserving pleasant memories of the departed heir.

Marina, Prokopyevsk

Child death is a huge tragedy and shock for a family. It is incomprehensible to parents how life can continue after this. How not to lose faith? Where to find strength? The answers will be different for everyone. And they can be found in the sacraments of the Church, conversations with a spiritual father, and reference to the events of Sacred history and its Christian meanings.

Arguing with absurdity

With the loss of a child, especially a newborn, the worldview of his loved ones collapses; there is nowhere to hide from pain and acute experiences of the absurdity of life, and any words of sympathy cause even greater suffering.

Especially for the mother, who is closer to the baby physically - she carried her child for nine months, gave birth to her in agony, acutely experienced the joy of birth, the first touch, feeding, glance.

The umbilical cord does not break at birth, this is lifelong connection. But as soon as the little man emerged from the amniotic space, entered a new dimension, breathed in air, began to live, and suddenly - no. But he was, he was accomplished - he smiled, squinted at the light, held his finger, had his own special eye color, looked like someone.

It seems to the parents of a deceased child that they are in a vacuum, in a black hole, in extreme loneliness, and not a soul around. A rare friend, not every priest and not every Orthodox psychologist is capable of an appropriate and wise word of condolences and empathy in this situation.

Comfort and comfort

When sympathizing with parents, it is important to approach this with reasoning. Actively and emotionally consoling means awakening new tears and self-pity, and this will not relieve mental discord and tension. Bringing to life with biting phrases a mother or father who has lost a child, and along with him, important life meanings, is also not a solution. It’s like beating a bedridden patient because he can’t get up. The psychotherapeutic effect of persuasion, reproaches, exhortations to return to normal everyday life, appeals to conscience and reason is also very doubtful.

Painting by the famous Itinerant artist Ivan Kramskoy “Inconsolable Grief” conveys his personal drama when two of his young sons died at once. The face of the heroine of the canvas, who, according to contemporaries, is very similar to the painter’s wife, reflects a deep and strong experience of loss. Her grief is at the depths of her soul, but in the audience it awakens not horror, but thoughts about the meaning of life, and is perceived as a reminder have mortal memory. There are no tragic gestures, no wringing hands, no eyes full of despair and hopelessness. This grief that finds a way out and can be cured.

Such tragedies happened not only in the ordinary family, but also in the royal family. There are many reasons - low level of medicine, difficult living conditions, etc. Prot. Alexander Ilyashenko, turning to the history of Russia, says in one of his last interviews that at the beginning of the twentieth century there were “high rates of population growth, but at the same time very high mortality rates, especially among children. In tsarist times, infant mortality was such that every fourth baby died before one year of age. I looked at the statistics, in England and Germany the mortality rate in those years was lower than in Russia.”

Transformative property

For moms and dads, the same tragedy happens sudden infant death syndrome, when a child leaves asymptomatically, and nothing precedes his transition to another world, as they say, nothing foreshadows. And many months of ordeal and languor in pediatric hematology and oncology, when the quiet end of a child in a dream seems to them the only and desired way out and liberation. This is our nature - parting is always sad, even if you understand that it heals all illnesses and that it is not forever.

Child death has the property change us from the inside. She is capable of transforming not only those who lose their child. She transforms everyone around her.

Sometimes you see a short news story in the media, and behind it there is a whole little life. You will read that in a regional hospital a two-year-old girl died from burns early in the morning of Holy Week, and this news burns the soul. You study other newspapers and websites, and then from friends you seem to accidentally learn the name of the girl, her sad story, all the details of her illness and transition to another world. And you see, in reality, a hot kettle on the stove, accidentally touched in the game. Burnt hands and body, painful shock, mother’s eyes full of fear. You hear the ambulance siren and the doctors talking in the waiting room. And you understand that it was not for nothing that I learned this whole sad story. Perhaps about this baby no one to pray to, and for some reason this important mission has been entrusted to you.

Pray for your children, wherever they are. This, and not tears and sobs, will be the best manifestation of your love. And it will definitely have a continuation.

Ash Angel

I dreamed of an ashen angel

And the girl in her arms...

Not the festive Isaac -

A narrow room is scary.

Light flesh Messenger

Took it from my hands.

The lamp of her life

It went out like in the wind...

Incinerated angel

Take off more carefully!

I'll read it tomorrow: in the hospital

Two and a half years old

Morning of Holy Week

The child left the world.

The sky will become dark,

Park, burn center...

Like Rachel about the child,

The ashen color is crying.

Do you know her name?

I know that this is the one.

Come out to meet the innocent.

Are there a lot of them now... there?

Maria Solun

Photos from open sources

Life always ends in death, we understand this with our minds, but when dear people leave this world, emotions take over. Death takes some into oblivion, but at the same time breaks others. What to say to a mother who is trying to cope with the death of her only son? How and with what to help? There are still no answers to these questions.

Time does not heal

Psychologists, of course, help bereaved parents. They give advice on how to cope with the death of your son, but before you listen to them, you need to understand several important things. This is especially true for those who want to help their friends or relatives overcome grief.

No one can come to terms with the death of their child. A year will pass, two, twenty, but this pain and melancholy will still not go away. They say that time heals. This is wrong. A person just gets used to living with his grief. He can also smile and do what he loves, but he will be a completely different person. After the death of a child, a black, deaf void forever settles inside the parents, in which unfulfilled hopes, unspoken words, feelings of guilt, resentment and anger at the whole world huddle like sharp fragments.

With each new breath, these fragments seem to increase, turning the insides into a bloody mess. Of course, this is a metaphor, but those who wonder how to cope with the death of their son experience something like this. Time will pass, and the bloody mess will already become a common occurrence, but as soon as some external irritant reminds you of what happened, sharp thorns will immediately break out of the embrace of emptiness and frantically dig into the already slightly healed flesh.

Stages of Grief

For parents the loss of a son is a terrible tragedy, because it is impossible to find a reason that would justify this departure. But the worst thing is that there is no cure for this torment. Along with the death of a child, a mother buries her heart, it is impossible to survive death of son , as it is impossible to move a mountain from its place. But suffering can be alleviated. You need to live your grief from beginning to end. It will be incredibly difficult, incredibly difficult, but nature itself has a natural mechanism for relieving stress from difficult circumstances. If you go through all the steps, it will become a little easier. So, what stages does someone go through? survived the death of his son:

1. Sobs and hysterics.
2. Depression.
3. Mourning.
4. Parting.

More about the stages

As for the stages of going through grief, at first parents feel shock, this state lasts from 1 to 3 days. During this period, people tend to deny what happened. They think there was a mistake or it was some kind of bad dream. Some parents get stuck at this stage for many years. As a result, they begin to experience serious mental disorders. For example, a mother whose one-year-old baby has died can walk in the park for many years, pushing a doll in a stroller.

Soon after shock and denial, the stage of sobs and hysterics begins. Parents can scream until they are hoarse, and then fall into a state of complete emotional and physical exhaustion. This state lasts about a week and then turns into depression. Hysterics happen less and less often, but at the same time anger, melancholy and a feeling of emptiness begin to grow in the soul.

After depression and the parents begin to mourn. They often remember their child, replay the brightest moments from his life. The mental pain recedes for a while, but then it comes again, I want to speak out or talk to someone about my son. This stage can last a very long time, but then the parents still say goodbye to their child and let him go. Heavy, mental torment turns into quiet and bright sadness. After such a tragedy, life will never be the same, but you need to move on. It’s just a pity that the optimistic speeches of friends will not answer the question of how to help mothers survive the death of their son . Only after experiencing grief from beginning to end can you feel some relief.

Creativity, sports, conversations

It is impossible to cure the pain of losing a child, but you can curb it, dull it and learn to distract yourself. How to cope with the death of your son? You can start with something simple, for example, with creativity. In honor of your deceased son, it would be nice to draw a picture, write a poem, or start embroidering. Physical activity is a great distraction from thoughts. The more stress, the more they dull emotions.

You shouldn’t keep everything to yourself, you definitely need to talk to someone, it’s best if it’s a person who is in a similar situation or has been able to cope with his grief. Of course, it may also be that there is no one to talk to, then you need to write about everything that worries you. It is much easier to express your feelings in writing than in conversation, and besides, once expressed, even in this way emotions will exert less pressure.

Medical practice

In such matters, it is better to take the advice of a psychologist. Of course, they won’t teach you how to survive the death of your son, but they will help you a little. First of all, you should contact a good specialist. This is especially true for those who are unable to cope with their experiences on their own. There is nothing wrong with going to a psychologist; this doctor can suggest medications that will slightly relieve emotional stress, improve sleep and overall well-being of the body. The psychologist will also write out several useful recommendations, selected individually for each patient.

You should not resort to alcohol or drugs, and you also do not need to self-prescribe serious medications. These methods will not help you survive the death of your son, but will only worsen the situation.

You should definitely stick to your daily routine. It may be through force, but you need to eat. You need to force yourself to go to bed at the same time. The right regimen helps reduce the amount of stress hormones in the body.

Unspent love

There is another way to cope with grief. The death of a son, like a real curse, will hang like a black cloud over the heads of parents wherever they are. At one point, their world became empty, there was no one else to love, no one to give their care to, no one to pin their hopes on. People withdraw into themselves and stop communicating with others. They seem to be stewing in their own juice.

But man was not created to live alone. We receive everything that is in the life of each of us from other people, so we should not refuse help, we should not ignore calls from friends and relatives, and we should leave the house at least once every few days. It seems to a person that his suffering is unbearable, time and the earth have stopped, and nothing and no one exists anymore. But look around, have other people stopped suffering or dying?

Law of Psychology

The hardest thing to experience is the death of adult children. At that moment, when it seems that life has not been lived in vain, suddenly the ground disappears from under one’s feet when they report the death of an adult son. The past years begin to seem meaningless, because everything was done for the sake of the child. So how do you survive the death of your only adult son? There is a simple and understandable law in psychology: in order to reduce your own pain, you need to help another person.

If parents have lost their own child, this does not mean that no one else needs their care and love. There are many people, both children and adults, who need the help of others. People take care of their children not because they expect gratitude from them, but do it for the sake of their future and the future of subsequent generations. The care that dead children can no longer receive must be directed to others, otherwise it will turn to stone and kill its owner.

And while a person feels sorry for himself and suffers, somewhere, without waiting for help, another child will die. This is the most effective way to help survive the death of an adult son. Once bereaved parents start helping those in need, they will feel much better. Yes, it will not be easy at first, but time will smooth out all the corners.

Very often the death of a child causes parents to feel guilty. Prevent a tragedy, change history - they think they could do something. But be that as it may, man is not given the power to predict the future and change the past.

Parents also believe that they no longer have the right to experience happiness after the death of their child. Any positive emotions are perceived as betrayal. People stop smiling, day after day they perform automated manipulations, and in the evenings they simply stare into emptiness. But it is wrong to condemn yourself to eternal suffering. For a child, parents are the whole world. What would your child say if he saw his world crumble in his absence?

Reverence to the deceased

You can express your respect to the deceased in other ways without dooming yourself to eternal torment. For example, you can visit the grave more often, pray for peace, make an album of happy photos, or collect all his homemade cards together. During periods of melancholy, you need to remember only happy moments and be grateful for the fact that they existed.

On the second Sunday in December at seven in the evening you need to put a candle on the windowsill. On this day, parents who have lost their children unite in their grief. Each light makes it clear that the children illuminated their lives and will forever remain in their memory. It is also hope that grief will not last forever.

You can turn to religion for help. As practice shows, faith helps many people cope with grief. Orthodoxy says that a parent will be able to see his child after death. This promise is very encouraging for elderly parents. Buddhism says that souls are reborn and surely in the next earthly life mother and son will meet again. The hope of a new meeting does not allow the mother to break down or die prematurely.

True, there are those who turn away from the faith. They don’t understand why God took their child when murderers and maniacs continue to roam the world. Fathers often tell grief-stricken parents a parable.

Parable

One day, an old man’s daughter died. She was very beautiful and young, the inconsolable parent simply could not find a place for herself. After the funeral, he came to Mount Ararat every day and asked God why he took his daughter, who could live for many more years.

For many months the old man left without an answer, and then one day God appeared before him and asked the old man to make him a staff, then he would answer his question. The old man went to the nearest grove, found a fallen branch and made a staff out of it, but as soon as he leaned on it, it broke. He had to look for stronger material. He saw a young tree, cut it and made a staff, which turned out to be surprisingly strong.

The old man brought his work to God, who praised the staff and asked why he cut a young tree that still had time to grow. The old man told everything, and then God said: “You yourself answered your questions. In order to lean on the staff and not fall, it is always made from young trees and branches. So in my kingdom I need young, youthful and beautiful people who can be a support.”

Children are the rays that illuminate our lives. With their arrival, we rethink a lot and learn a lot. But not everyone is destined to live happily ever after, you need to understand this and continue to live, keeping in your heart the joy that this child was once there.