The top jokes. Short jokes funny to tears

We all love wit, and probably each of us collects funny phrases and expressions - after all, this The best way lift your spirits or cheer up a person who is a little sad.

Of course, someone tries to come up with humorous answers on their own, but, as you know, a sense of humor is also a great gift, and therefore it is not always possible to answer your interlocutor in a way that sounds really funny. Therefore, it is best to stock up on witty phrases in advance.

If you collect short funny phrases, then we will be happy to add sparkling jokes and sarcastic sketches to your collection.

Topics for jokes

There is, however, one more eternal theme for those who like to have fun - pets. The strange habits of our little ones can be an endless source of laughter.

And if you are a connoisseur of something special, graceful humor, then you will probably like short rhymed jokes and poems in one line - their second, and sometimes even third meaning allows you to express the whole gamut of feelings.

It is impossible to imagine our life without laughter and smiles, without humor and fun. Therefore, from time to time, each of us needs to step away from everyday worries, relax and have at least a little fun. Cool phrases and funny sayings are a sure and wonderful way to quickly raise Have a good mood. Cool phrases and statuses are very popular because they describe exciting moments in the lives of many people in a humorous way. They will help you amaze your interlocutors with your wit, as well as amuse your friends, colleagues, bored company or guests. holiday party. Cool expressions They can also be useful to “defuse” tense situations or in awkward situations when you need to correct your mistake.
There are many wonderful funny phrases and expressions. I tried to select the best, coolest “phrases” that, in my opinion, deserve most attention. Read, and let no one be left without a smile!

• My character, of course, is not sugar, but I was not created to be added to tea!
• If I ever die because of a man, it will be from laughing.
• I'm neither good nor bad. I am kind with an evil stripe!
• I only have one life and I can't afford to be unhappy!
• I thought I was special, but it turned out I was better than everyone else...
• It’s not enough to know your worth—you also need to be in demand.
• What it is, you can’t put it back!!!
• So what if the wind is in my head, but my thoughts are always fresh...
• Where have you seen a cat that cares what mice say about it?
• If you spit in my back, it means I'm ahead of you!
• Don't tell me what to do and I won't tell you where to go!
• If you want me to be an angel, organize heaven for me!
• My life my rules. If you don't like my rules, don't interfere in my life.
• Not noticed in vicious relationships... Wasn’t it? No... Not noticed!
• You need to live in such a way that others experience depression!
• When will they learn to conduct light in ladies' handbag?! I really need it!!!
• We are strong women: we will take out the trash and brains if necessary!
• I'm losing weight on three diets! (I can’t get enough of two...)
• He eats - I cook, he wears - I wash, he scatters - I clean. And what would I do without him...
• Women's folk pastime: I came up with it myself, I was offended myself.
• I’m like champagne: I can be playful, but I can also hit you in the head...
• That's how I want to be weak woman, but, as luck would have it, the horses are galloping, the huts are burning...
• Sometimes my husband shudders from me... Still, I am an amazing woman!!!
• The girls are standing on the sidelines, fiddling with handkerchiefs in their hands... Because for every ten girls, according to statistics: 1 is gay, 4 are alcoholics, 2 are divorced, 2 are drug addicts and 1 is normal, but he is married...
• What is the difference between fake love and real love? Fake: “I like the snowflakes on your hair!” The real one: “Fool, why without a hat?”
• If a woman has sparkles in her eyes, it means the cockroaches in her head are celebrating something.
• - How to drive a girl crazy?
  - Give her a lot of money and close all the stores!
• Men, let's do the laundry, clean, cook, iron... and we want you!
• I really want to snuggle up to someone, put my lips to my ear and whisper...: “Give me money!”
• Sometimes I open my closet, look at it for a long time and realize that I’m keeping two-thirds of my clothes in case I go crazy.
• Classical women's wardrobe: Nothing to wear. There is nowhere to hang it. It would be a pity to throw it away... And there is also a section “Suddenly I’ll lose weight”...
• You need to smile so widely that problems stumble over your smile!
• An optimist is a person who, even having fallen face first into the mud, is sure that it is healing!
• Girls, who wanted to lose weight by spring?.. It’s too late to rush around, let’s take it with charm!
• This morning, while I was putting on makeup, I fainted 5 times from my beauty...
• Previously, I lived alone and all my things were lying haphazardly in their places, but now I’m married and all my things are neatly and beautifully lying in an unknown place...
• I want fate to take me by the hair and head straight into happiness, happiness, happiness.
• A woman should be loved, happy, beautiful! And she doesn’t owe anyone anything anymore!!!
• The smartest plant is the horseradish: it knows everything...
• Now I live only by this principle: whoever wants it will come, whoever needs it will call, whoever is bored will find it! And who cares, those don’t care!
• All men are bastards! They all only need one thing! But why, why not from me-me-me?!
• I would send you, but I can see you from there!
• Women are not interested in wimps only if those wimps are men.
• If you think that life is wonderful, then the antidepressants are chosen correctly.
• If there are nails on the feet, then there should be hands on the hands, and animals generally have bast shoes!
• There is nothing better in the world than creaking your bed until dawn!
• Judging by the way life fucks me, I'm sexy as fuck!
• The robbers demand your purse or your life, the women demand both.
• Never do evil out of spite! Nasty things must come from the heart!
• How smarter woman, the more refined and varied she blows her man away!
• Any dirty trick can be put to proper use if there is a desire...
• Queens are never upset. When they are sad, they simply execute someone...
• The weaker sex is stronger than the stronger sex due to the weakness of the stronger sex towards the weaker.
• Long live split personality - the shortest path to mental balance!
• Our spring is late, our summer is delayed... And autumn, the bastard, is punctual!
• I’m a woman—evil comes as standard!
• Don't you want to be nice? - Let's remove the Vaseline!
• I am a creative woman. I want - I create, I want - I create...
• With a teaspoon in my pocket, with a bald cactus in my hand, I’m going to scare the old woman who lives in the attic, I’ll poke him with a spoon, I’ll order him to sit on the cactus... I’m a bit of a fool - I have a certificate!..
• Vasilisa was a magician... If she waves her right sleeve - a lake... If she waves her left sleeve - swans... She waves another 200 grams - and the hallucinations are more complicated...
• Happiness is when you have a doctor, a cop, a lawyer and a killer among your friends. Immediately life becomes somehow easier...
• There are people who are like a drug—you know you can’t, but you’re drawn to it. And there are people like cake - sweet, tasty, but sick...
• I want to be like a bear: to eat in the summer and hibernate in the winter. And I lost weight, and slept well, and didn’t see frost!
• Santa Claus, whole year I behaved well...and now can I kill someone???
• Caught goldfish. She listened to me very carefully and said: “Fry!”
• And they carry me away, and carry me away, into the colored ringing crap, three white horses, two red elephants, a penguin, a hippopotamus and a deer.
• What doesn’t kill us, we regret it very much later.
• I am the air. Don't try to hold it back. Breathe while I let myself breathe...
• My beloved told me: “You are evil in the flesh!” Well, I'll implement it. I'm very obedient. And if for some reason he needs it, then how can I ignore the request!
• I’m a very good cook... I can cook noodles... Brew porridge... Add oil... In general, I’m a clever wizard.
• "Baby, I love you!" - excellent status! And all the suns are pleasant, and you won’t get burned...
• - You need to treat a girl carefully, like a Christmas tree.
  — Knock it out and take it home?
• — Strangers make comments to my child! How to react?
  — Teach your child the magic spell: “My mother teaches me that not every value judgment should serve as a behavior modifier.” When pronounced with clear diction and confident, benevolent intonation, it acts similarly to the spell: “Petrify!” And more reliably. Although not for long. But without dangerous side effects.
• You begin to understand that everything is really bad when the person who usually calms everyone down cries...
• As my grandmother used to say, it’s better to shoot, reload and shoot again than to shine a flashlight and ask “who’s there?”
• In any situation, say “everything is going according to plan” - you never know what kind of fucking plan you have.
• Sometimes it becomes so cool that something that was once so important has become so irrelevant...
• And I will leave without noticing any offense.
  Chewing a chocolate candy.
  And may the evil horse love you,
  And not a sunshine like me.
• “Darling, is it true that I’m your only one?”
  - Have you all come to an agreement today, or what!?
• A woman, like fire, should not be left unattended. Either it will go out, or it will burn everything to hell!!!
• Alcohol does not help you find the answer, it helps you forget the question...
• Darling, you insist so much on our relationship with you... I don’t understand, you have nervous system made of reinforced concrete or lifelong reservation in a madhouse?
• Sometimes you think: this is happiness! But no, damn it, experience again...
• You drown a person, and it seems so sad, but then bubbles appear, so good, and your heart rejoices.
• It’s easy to understand women’s logic; just learn how to play billiards with cubes.
• You only need to sort things out with those with whom you have these relationships. The rest - why don't they go to the shore of silence, collect shells...
• Happiness is when the previous shit has already ended, and the next one has not yet begun.
• Cockroaches in the head are still normal. The problem is when the squirrel starts chasing them out...
• A black cat crossing your path means that the animal is going somewhere. Don't complicate things!..
• You need to return to the woman as quickly as possible. So quickly that she doesn’t have time to understand that she’s fine without you.
• If you love it, set it free. If he doesn't come back, track him down and kill him.
• There are a lot of other people's nerves in the world - there's no point in worrying about your own!
• I bought cockroach chalk! Now it’s quiet and calm in my head... they sit, draw...
• You'll send someone rashly. And in your soul you worry: did you get there?... didn’t you get there?...
• - Who are you?
  — Kind fairy!
  - Why with an axe?
  - Yes, the mood is not very good...
• She got up on the wrong foot, sat on the wrong broom and generally flew in the wrong direction...
• Give me wings, otherwise the broom will leave splinters all over my ass!
• In general, I love raspberry pies. Of course, they don’t reciprocate, but they don’t behave like bastards either!
• — What will you order?
  - I, please, have nerves, intelligence, calmness and s*zma... Yes, more s*zma, please.
• Don't be a cheapskate - give the person a second chance. Don't be an idiot - never give a third.
• Nerves are in shock, brains are in a trance, and logic has completely gone and shot itself.
• If my mother taught me to be cultured, this does not mean that I will not kick you in the eye, as my father taught me!
• A realist is someone who doesn't care whether the glass is half full or half empty. For him, what's in the glass is more important.
• No matter what the rake teaches, the heart believes in miracles...
• It's amazing how much some people enjoy romantic walks along the rake.
• If you constantly step on the same rake, then it’s a fucking rake!
• Smile more often - and the thicket will smile at you!
• Yes, I'm not an angel, but flying on a broom is faster.
• Everyone thinks that every girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. No matter how it is! Our dream is to eat and not gain weight!
• All women are angels, but if you cut their wings, they start flying on a broom.
• A man should be able to do two things: set fire to huts and scare horses, so that his woman has something to do and not blow his brains out.
• ...and yet it is IMPORTANT that the butterflies in the stomach come to an agreement with the cockroaches in the head!
• Yesterday, it seemed, I had gained my wits... Today I woke up - but no, I just gained my wits...
• I don’t promise to lead you to sin, but I will…
• There’s no need to offend me, I’m a vulnerable girl, the first thing brings me to tears... And then teary eyes it’s so difficult to understand who the shovel hit...
• This morning they showed such horrors in the mirror...
• I don't drink flowers or sweets!
• - Girl, why haven’t we met yet?
  - God will take care of you, stupid creature...
• I have no excess weight. I have it as a spare.
• Female philologist: bright multiple sarcasms on the first date.
• While men, being boys, play war games and cars, women, being girls, immediately prepare to manipulate people and play with dolls.
• It’s better to be a beloved mischief than to be a perfection that no one needs.
• Listen to the voice of reason... Do you hear? Do you hear what crap he is talking about?!
• For a woman to go to bed with a man, she needs a feeling of closeness, trust and a strong connection. A man's place is mainly...
• Squirrels eat snow. What are you doing to make winter end?
• People who helped spring and ate snow, why did you also eat asphalt?
• A glassblower accidentally sneezed at work and created new vase for the Ikea store.
• If things don't go the way you want, it's not your business, let them pass by.
• Don't know how to relieve stress? Don't wear it!!!
• It is incorrect to say “the toad is strangling.” It should be like this: “amphibiotropic asphyxia happened to me”
• Koala macaque dipped in cocoa. The koala lazily lapped cocoa...
• Squirrels in gaiters poke around cedar kernels in the depths of the tundra. In the depths of the tundra, otters in gaiters are digging for cedar kernels in buckets! Having torn out the gaiters from an otter in the tundra, wipe the cedar kernels with the otter, wipe the otter's face with the gaiters - the kernels into buckets, the otter into the tundra.
• Having washed the leg warmers in the swamp, put the kernels in buckets, the otters and the squirrels in an embrace quietly finished the jar... While finishing the moonshine, the otters danced a jig, the squirrels tried on the leg warmers, muttering that they had seen a worse holiday in the tundra.
• I speak English with only a dictionary, but I’m still shy with people...
• When sliding under the table, do not forget to politely say goodbye to your guests.
• There is a genius sleeping within each of us. And every day it gets stronger and stronger...
• I don’t know what you’re taking for your head, but it’s clearly not helping you!
• Sorry, I'm saying when you interrupt…
• A beautiful woman pleases the male gaze, an ugly woman pleases the female gaze!
• There are no perpetual motion machines in the world, but there are plenty of perpetual brakes!
• Take care of your homeland! Vacation abroad!
• I am constantly haunted by smart thoughts, but I find myself faster...
• Everyone is spoiled to the best of their ability.
• If a gentleman says to a lady, “I understand you perfectly,” he means, “You talk twice as much as you need to”!
• If you leave your husband correctly, he will definitely return... like a boomerang.
• If you want to bring a person to sclerosis, give him a loan.
• Looking at how some accumulate good, others begin to accumulate evil.
• There are so many interesting things in this life and so few people are interested.
• If you want to marry a smart, beautiful and rich woman, marry three times.
• Sclerosis cannot be cured, but you can forget about it.
• If you cannot be a star in the sky, at least become a lamp in the house.
• A man, even if he could understand what a woman was thinking, would still not believe it.
• The best way to organize a panic is to ask everyone to remain calm.
• Everyone wants to have a good time, but you won't have one.
• Tell me I'm wrong and I'll tell you who you are.
• What a pity that you are finally leaving!..
• Lost conscience. I ask the finder not to worry and keep it for himself.

People have been making jokes for years. They joke with words, make faces, draw pictures and make films. Someone had to clean this up someday.

1 Personally, I don't find clowns funny at all. To tell the truth, I'm afraid of them. I don't even know when it started. Probably when I was taken to the circus as a child and the clown killed my father. J. Hendy
3 The creative intelligentsia around the world condemned the closure of the Tajik Opera and Ballet Theater. “Now the artists who are left without work will probably become drug dealers and drug couriers,” music critics confidently say. Magazine "Krasnaya Burda"
5 These are small blue creatures, and each of them has fifty hands, so that they - the only people in the whole Universe, who invented deodorant before the wheel. D. Adams. Restaurant at the edge of the universe

6 If Roosevelt had lived, he would have turned over in his grave. Samuel Goldwyn

7 “The boatswain fell overboard,” Captain Thrym told me. - I myself am partly to blame for this. It happened early in the morning. I picked him up so that he could get a better look at the iceberg, and quite by accident, I assure you, I completely accidentally dropped him overboard.
“Captain Thrym,” I inquired, “have you done anything to save him?”
“Not yet,” he answered embarrassedly. S. Leacock. Lost among the swells, or Shipwreck on the ocean
10

11 - Have mercy, Pyotr Andreich! What are you up to! Did you and Alexey Ivanovich have a fight? Great trouble! Hard words break no bones. He scolded you, and you scold him; he hits you in the snout, and you hit him in the ear, in another, in the third - and go your separate ways... A. Pushkin. Captain's daughter

13 In their company I would have died of boredom if I had not been there. Alexander Dumas son
15 My friend always dies laughing during sex, no matter what she reads. Emo Phillips

16 - A thousand apologies! - Don Gug cried, smoothly approaching the table. - I swear by the rickets of my duke, absolutely unseen circumstances! I was stopped four times by the patrol of His Majesty the King of Arkanar, and I fought twice with some boors. - He gracefully raised left hand wrapped in a bloody rag. - By the way, noble dons, whose helicopter is this behind the hut?
“This is my helicopter,” Don Condor said grumpily. - I don't have time for fights on the roads. A. and B. Strugatsky. It's hard to be a god
18 I met several professors there. One of them followed me all the time and explained that the ancestral home of the gypsies was in the Giant Mountains, and the other argued that inside globe there is another ball, much larger than the outer one. In a madhouse, everyone could say whatever came into his head, as if in parliament. J. Hasek. Adventures good soldier Seamstress
20 Indiana Jones unexpectedly wins a saber duel with a pistol. Film "Indiana Jones in Search of the Lost Ark."
22 The Kid began to run out of patience, and the last time Uncle Julius visited them, he drew his portrait in his album, and under the picture he wrote: “Dummy.” Uncle Julius accidentally saw this drawing and said: “You drew a horse poorly.” A. Lindgren. Carlson, who lives on the roof, plays pranks again
24

25 And your dad is a Mendel Creek binder. What is this dad thinking about? He thinks about drinking a good shot of vodka, about punching someone in the face, about his horses - and nothing else. I. Babel

27 The oldest of funny jokes.
One day the scholastic philosopher met his old friend.
- ABOUT! And they told me that you died!
- No, you see, I’m alive.
- That's how it is. But the person who told me you died is more trustworthy than you. Collection of anecdotes "Philogelos", 5th century BC. e.

28

29 Forty is the age when you finally feel young, but it’s too late. Pablo Picasso

30 There are only two infinite things: the Universe and stupidity. Although I'm not sure about the Universe. Albert Einstein

31

36 If there is critical situation, wake me up at any time of the day or night - even if I’m at a cabinet meeting. Ronald Reagan

37 To help a patient develop his hands after a complex operation, doctors gave him lice... I. Kvasov
39 I dreamed about Freud. What would that mean? E. Lec
41 Do you have a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Mae West

42

43 - Ale... Who is this? Director? Fuck you, director! Not up to you in a minute. From the film “Masyanya”
45 When George ends his life on the gallows, Harris will remain the worst packer in the world. J. C. Jerome. Three in the boat, not counting the dog

47 If life is too busy,
Sexual function weakens. I. Guberman

48

52

53

61 - Crazy! From the film “Hedgehog in the Fog”

67

70

73 Another solution is to take regular doses of Ginkgo biloba, an extract of a tree native to Asia that has such a strong memory that it will one day hunt down and kill all the people who have ever eaten it. S. Martin. Changes in memory after fifty

74 Vera Inber had the line “...don’t cut off the crazy head!” V. Kataev wrote a parody:
Ah, at Inber, ah, at Inber
Curly forehead.
A century would look, a century would look
On her b.

75 Love married woman- a great thing. Married men never dreamed of this. O. Wilde

76 - Izya, don’t come to visit us anymore. After you arrived, Sarah's necklace went missing.
- But I didn’t take anything, Abraham!
- Yes, the necklace was found, but a residue remained.
78 I have seen more people, who were ruined by the desire to have a wife and children and keep them in comfort, than men who were ruined by drunkenness and whores. William Butler Yates

79 Friendship between a man and a woman is possible. True, she gives birth to children. Friedrich Engels

80 - I want to ask you this: when you moved in, did you see a sign here that said “Storage of Dead Negroes”?
- No, I haven’t seen it...
- Do you know why you didn’t see the sign “Storage of Dead Negroes”? Because I am! Not! I keep it! Dead! Blacks!- Again?! You've already jumped ten times, the parachute has never opened!
- No, I have to!
- Well, to hell with you, jump.
On the ground there is a meeting on the collective farm. The chairman yells:
- Disgrace! Cows don't get milked! Chickens don't lay eggs! A drunken tractor driver drowned his tractor!
There is a crash, a crash, the roof breaks, and a parachutist falls onto the table.
Chairman:
- And this parachutist is already sick of it!!!
83 They made you in a hurry.
Your whole life is an advertisement for safe sex! From the film "DMB"
85

You went to college! Have you been told about cases like mine?
- Yes, of course they did. Psychological abnormalities...
- So what should I do?
- I think we should meet again. For example, tomorrow!

88 I owe my health and longevity to the fact that I never touched a cigarette, a glass, or a woman until I was ten years old. George Moore

89 Punctuality is the politeness of bores. Evelyn Waugh

90 Nothing is more demoralizing than a modest but constant income. Edward Wilson

91 An elderly couple is having breakfast. The wife asks thoughtfully:
- Vasya, do you love me?
Husband, throwing his fork in his hearts:
- Why do you have to start every morning with a scandal?!

92 Drug addict's apartment. Doorbell.
On the threshold - a police squad:
- We have many complaints from your neighbors. They say that your apartment stinks of burnt rags and you can constantly hear laughter. What are you doing here?
Drug addict (shrugging):
- Yes, so... We burn rags and laugh.

96 A woman can make any billionaire man a millionaire. Charlie Chaplin
100

Jokes on different topics, short, very funny for a minute, which will make you laugh until you cry.
Cheerfulness is the most outstanding feature of a person.
Read, smile at each other, joke - without barbs, without offensive ridicule.
Laugh for five minutes in front of the mirror every morning. Laughter activates many useful elements in our body, and also returns the body to a balanced state. Revitalize your habit of laughter and your life will become more vibrant.

- Oh, what a wonderful portrait, at what price is it being sold? - Please don't touch! This is a mirror!

— The crisis helped me get back on my feet. The bank took the car for an unpaid loan.

— I adore the group of Unknown performers, they sing Track 1, Track 2, Track 9 and they just captivate my soul!

“A miracle is an event described by people who heard about it from others who did not see it themselves.”

- Hello! Familiar face, we met somewhere!? Maybe at the zoo?
- Maybe... what cell were you in there?

“Conversation on the radio: “First, first, I’m second, you’re third?”

A limited mind with unlimited access to the Internet is a very unpleasant combination.

“Yesterday I didn’t come to work because I dreamed that I came”

One of the student’s commandments is “Do not snore during a lecture so as not to wake up a colleague!”

“Jokes about blondes are not the only truth”

“God invented a dream, and the devil invented an alarm clock”

"In the hospital. Doctor to patient: “I repeat for the hundredth time - Amnesia does not go away so quickly!”

“All men are animals who want only one thing... And why not from me?”

“All men are the same, only the salary is different”

“Do you know what Spider-Man is afraid of? Man's slippers"

“You’re good, I’ll drink, and we’ll both be very good!”

“I have the most sincere laugh... maliciously!”

“Where are you always welcome? At work."

— Is it worth going to a psychiatrist? - I asked myself. Opinions were divided.

Announcement: - We are looking for a driver for a bakery... With your truck and your bread.

“Girls are like the name of a page on the Internet. The ones you like have already been taken for a long time."

“If you knew how many times I almost died for love... But in any case, thanks to the skin and venereal doctors...”

“If you are over 30 years old and have not achieved anything in life, then you are an honest person.”

"If you aim for an idiot, he will probably do the same."

“If you have countless urgent tasks, you first need to figure out which ones need to be put off again.”

“Living in Russia is easy, but surviving is difficult”

“He who finds a friend finds a treasure. And whoever finds a treasure is not a friend..."

"Buy two, get three, you pay for four!"

“My wife is good, but others are even worse!”

“My wife watches TV so often that even the announcer recognizes her.”

- “Does your watch work? - No, I have it on my hand.”

“Optimism is not a lack of information”

“No one has ever died from laughter... except those who joked...”

“It’s a double-edged sword, you’ll get from both.”

Mom, I broke up with my boyfriend... - I know! I saw him in social network and even liked it.

Long live the Internet! Previously, only my neighbors hated me... and now half the world hates me.

Modern parents, when punishing their children, put them in a corner where Wi-Fi is weak.

“Patient’s bad behavior was operated on again”

“Paying your debt on time preserves your teeth better than toothpaste.”

“A family scandal is like a rock concert. It always starts with new material and ends with old hits."

“Now they write so much about the dangers of smoking that I have firmly decided to stop reading.”

“The sober plumber is a fairy-tale character!”

“You are not alone - loneliness is with you.”

“The good blonde Manya always bought live fish from the pet store to release into freedom... into the forest!”

“I would like to live like everyone else, but my conscience does not allow it.”

Topic of the section: Short jokes, very funny to the point of tears of joy.