If a woman has a head, then she has a lover. The ideal lover for a married woman

"If woman walking with her head down - she has a lover! If a woman walks with her head held high, she has a lover! And in general - if a woman has a head, then she has a lover!” - Faina Ranevskaya argued, but did not specify what exactly it should be. And in vain.

Everyone knows what an ideal husband should be like, but what should an ideal lover be like?

We will tell you by what criteria you should choose a man “for body and soul”, so that in the future you do not cry over the ruins of your family life.

Criterion No. 1. Respectful attitude towards health and contraception

“I’m shocked by my (potential) lover,” someone Olga complains on our forum and tells a terrible story, in her opinion, that a man with whom he is planning to have sex offered to get tested for STDs, explaining that he bears responsibility for his health to his wife and children. But in fact, this is the same one rare case when you should be happy and not complain. “I understand everything, but it’s disgusting!” - our visitor wrinkles her nose. You might think that receiving a “bouquet” of sexually transmitted diseases from a frivolous partner, undergoing secret treatment for a long time (and sometimes unsuccessfully), shelling out large sums, and somehow explaining the fact of having “shameful” diseases to your husband would not be disgusting!

Be sure to discuss contraception issues “on shore.” If a man is sure that protection is exclusively a woman’s responsibility, and in general, “he doesn’t feel anything in a condom,” think carefully, are you ready to lie awake at night, wondering where this “irritation, dryness, burning” came from? Google the difference between subcutaneous wen and hard syphilitic chancre, and make a diagnosis on the Internet, being afraid to go to the hospital? Are you ready to conduct a DNA examination to find out once and for all whose child was born? Is it possible to radically get rid of the consequences of excessive gullibility and have an abortion?

Criterion No. 2. His business interests should not intersect with the interests of his husband (and yours too)

There is nothing worse than one day “suddenly” discovering that it was not your charms that pushed your lover into your arms, but his desire to spoil your spouse and/or find out a trade secret, combining business with pleasure. Here a man doesn’t need any direct questions - social media, mutual acquaintances and the press can help you to exclude revenge and other selfish motives. However, think three times, is it worth going to bed with a person who can cause a lot of trouble for you personally and ruin your blossoming career with one call?

Criterion No. 3. Flexible schedule

For a person whose boss is used to seeing him at work from 9 to 18, and his wife (or mother) at home from 18 to 30, it is incredibly difficult, almost impossible, to diversify intimate life without arousing suspicion. A rotating schedule or the ability to decide for yourself where and when he should be will give the two of you much more erotic possibilities and prospects.

Are you not embarrassed by the rare meetings, almost like Stirlitz’s with his wife, and the man by the need to come up with new reliable stories about where he was and why he was delayed? Then welcome to the club of those who are only excited by difficulties! However, in this case, you should think about what is more important - to feel desired again or to get a “horse” dose of adrenaline? If it’s the latter, then there are a lot of other, more harmless (we’re talking about conscience now, not injuries) ways to get it - capoeira, parachute jumping, soaring in a wind tunnel, historical reconstructions etc.

Criterion No. 4. Sense of tact

One of the important skills of a man is the ability to give gifts that do not complicate the life of his beloved. Yes, you can say that you bought flowers for yourself to “refresh” your husband’s feelings, and even explain somehow incredible story appearance of a diamond ring kindness great-great-aunt on my father's side. But what to do, for example, with a car (not a new one, but a used one) or hundreds of heart-shaped gel balls? In this case, tact is preferable to romantic impulses, unless on a subconscious level you want to destroy your family, but at the same time not take responsibility for what is happening.

It is quite difficult to predict how inclined a man is to make broad gestures. But he will almost certainly do this if he is the so-called demonstrative type - a priori he has lordly, merchant habits, and cannot imagine himself without playing in public; if he is a poser, loves to be the center of attention and adheres to the principle “If you love, then the queen, if you steal, then a million.”

Ideally, a lover should smell the same perfume as her husband. Or even the same “unisex” as you. Have an easy-to-remember phone number (buying a “beautiful” number is not a problem these days). And do not use unusual, memorable words that could “infect” you from him - just in case.

Criterion No. 5. Gifted by nature, imagination and size

Sexual compatibility is not a myth. If you were not able to verify this from your own experience with your husband, this does not mean that it does not exist. But you shouldn’t rush to fulfill your own fantasies with the first person you meet - what if you end up disappointed? We recommend that you study our material very carefully - and only then move with a suitable candidate from theory to practice.

Criterion No. 6. The ability to keep your mouth shut

You rushed into this forbidden love, as if in a whirlpool, with your head, and you don’t want to think or discuss what will happen next. Well, it’s an excellent position, except that it is somewhat reminiscent of the situation in a zoo, where a sign hangs above the cage with an ostrich: “Don’t scare the bird, the floor is concrete!” No matter how dizzying the novel may be, at the dawn of its occurrence it still makes sense to listen to how and in what terms a man speaks about his ex-girlfriends, friends with whom he is in a quarrel, etc. And don’t even try to console yourself that everything will be completely different with you! Men, unlike fashion trends, are distinguished by enviable constancy, so the fate of his previous passions awaits you, unless he himself is married.

Criterion No. 7. A disadvantage that you are not willing to put up with on a permanent basis

The ideal lover, by default, should remain a lover, without turning into a weapon of mass destruction of families. By and large, this is only possible in one case - if you like a man, but there is something about him that in large doses irritates you. Pedantry that turns into tediousness, or recklessness, a way of making mountains out of molehills, or a tendency to downplay the scope of a disaster, or perhaps the habit of rolling up an intricate knot from a used condom - such things can serve as an excellent braking mechanism that will prevent you from doing anything stupid.

But we did not find a clear answer to the question of whether the ideal lover of a married woman should be married himself.

The union of a stupid man and a stupid woman gives birth to a heroine mother. Union of a stupid woman and smart man gives birth to a single mother. Union smart woman and gives birth to a stupid man an ordinary family. The union of a smart man and a smart woman gives rise to easy flirting.

If a woman tells a man that he is the smartest, then she assumes that she will not find another such fool.

God created women beautiful so that men could love them, and stupid so that they could love men.

Women, of course, are smarter. Have you ever heard of a woman who would lose her head just because a man has beautiful legs?

If a woman walks with her head held high, she has a lover! If a woman walks with her head down, she has a lover! If a woman holds her head straight, she has a lover! And in general, if a woman has a head, then she has a lover!

Which women do you think are more faithful - brunettes or blondes?

A real man is a man who remembers exactly a woman's birthday and never knows how old she is. A man who never remembers a woman's birthday, but knows exactly how old she is, is her husband.

A young actress once asked Ranevskaya:

Faina Georgievna, why do you think a beautiful woman is more successful among men than a smart one?

Baby, it's so simple! There are not too many blind men in the world, but there are a dime a dozen stupid ones...

Why do women spend so much time and money appearance, and not the development of intelligence?

Because there are much fewer blind men than stupid ones.

I received a lot of invitations to go on dates. First, in early youth, was unsuccessful. The high school student struck me with a cap, where above the visor there was a magnificent coat of arms of the gymnasium, and the crown on the sides was lowered and lay on the ears. This magnificence drove me crazy. Arriving on a date, I found specified location the girl who asked me to leave because I sat down on the bench where she had a date. Soon the hero appeared, not at all embarrassed at the sight of both of us. The hero sat down between us and began to whistle. And my rival demanded that I leave immediately. To which I reasonably replied: “I have a date at this place, and I’m not going anywhere.” The opponent said that she would not budge. I made the same statement. Each of us defended our rights for a long time. Then the hero and rival whispered. After which my opponent picked up several heavy stones from the ground and began throwing them at me. I cried and left the battlefield... I told Marshak about my first date, he laughed: he liked the fact that, having returned to the battlefield, I said: “You’ll see, God will punish you!” And she left, full of dignity.

What I loved most in my life was falling in love.

Ranevskaya performed at one of the literary and theatrical evenings, where one of the young girls asked:

Faina Georgievna, what is love?

After thinking a little, Ranevskaya answered:

But I remember that it was something very pleasant.

It’s amazing,” Ranevskaya once said, “when I was twenty years old, I thought only about love, but now I only like to think.”

One day I forgot a chandelier on a trolleybus. New, just purchased. She looked at someone and flirted so desperately that she left through the back door without a chandelier: on one hand she had a handbag, the other was busy blowing kisses...

Ranevskaya was asked if she had ever been in love.

“But what about,” said Ranevskaya, “I was nineteen years old, I joined a provincial troupe - I immediately fell in love. The first hero-lover! He was such a handsome man! And to tell the truth, I was as scary as a mortal sin... But I really loved to walk around, goggle at him, he, of course, paid zero attention... And one day he suddenly comes up and says in his gorgeous baritone: “Baby, You're renting a room near the theater, right? So wait this evening: I’ll be with you at seven o’clock.”

I ran to the entrepreneur, took money towards my salary, bought wine, all kinds of food, got dressed, put on makeup - I sat and waited. At seven he’s gone, at eight he’s gone, at nine o’clock he comes... Drunk and with a woman! “Baby,” he says, “take a walk somewhere for a couple of hours, my dear!”

Since then, let alone falling in love, I can’t look at them: bastards and scoundrels!

Tolstoy said that there is no death, but there is love and memory of the heart. The memory of the heart is so painful, it would be better if it did not exist... It would be better to kill the memory forever.

One of Faina Georgievna’s good friends was constantly experiencing drama because of her love relationship with a colleague whose name was Sima. Periodically, he abandoned her, she regularly shed tears after another quarrel, and from time to time she had abortions from him. Thanks to Ranevskaya, the nickname stuck to the young woman: “Victim of Hera Sima.”

“I will have a happy day when you become impotent,” Ranevskaya said angrily to her overly annoying boyfriend.

Ranevskaya was asked if she knew the reasons for the divorce of her friends. Faina Georgievna, without hesitation, said:

They had different tastes: she loved men, and he loved women.

You won’t believe it, Faina Georgievna, but no one has ever kissed me except my groom.

Are you bragging, honey, or are you complaining?

Once there was a conversation about a man and a woman in a love affair.

So you want to say, Faina Georgievna, that they live like husband and wife? - the curious interlocutor is trying to find out all the details.

No, much better,” Ranevskaya answers.

Honey, today I slept with the door unlocked. What if someone came in? - a friend of retirement age complains to Ranevskaya.

Well, how much can you delude yourself! - Faina Georgievna did not hesitate to answer.

As you know, actress Alexandra Yablochkina remained a girl until her old age.

On occasion, she tried to find out from Ranevskaya the details of the love process itself, what sensations a woman experiences during this process. After a detailed story, Yablochkina uttered a sacramental phrase:

God! And all this without anesthesia!

While on tour, a group of artists, having nothing better to do, went to the zoo during the day. Among them was Ranevskaya. And in one of the cells he appeared before them amazing view a deer with four antlers on its head instead of two.

What a strange animal! What kind of trick? - someone was surprised.

“I think that this is just a widower who had the imprudence to marry again,” Faina Georgievna suggested.

Faina Georgievna once told me that in a holiday home where she recently visited, they announced a competition for the most short story. The theme is love. But there are four conditions:

First, the story must mention a queen.

Secondly, God is mentioned.

Thirdly, to have a little sex.

Fourthly, there was mystery.

The first prize was awarded to a story consisting of one phrase:

Oh my God! - exclaimed the queen. - It seems I’m pregnant and I don’t know from whom!

Ranevskaya returns home from a tour, besides her there are three other women in the compartment. They are talking among themselves about their past vacation.

One says:

I’ll return home and confess everything to my husband.

The second admires:

Well, you are brave!

The third condemns:

Well, you are stupid!

Well, you have a memory! - the actress did not fail to throw out her remark.

Back in the 60s, Ranevskaya told a story that instantly became a popular joke. She went with several theater artists on a trip to the Black Sea. And the husband of one of them got a ticket to a neighboring sanatorium.

And so the husband came to visit his wife. They walk along the alley, and all the men they meet very politely bow to his wife. My husband was interested:

Who is this?

These are members of my circle...

Then everyone went to accompany the husband to his sanatorium. Many women bow to him.

And who is it? - asks the wife.

And these are the circles of my penis.

Faina Georgievna, what does a woman look like if she is placed upside down?

For the piggy bank.

And the man?

Solving the crossword:

Five letter female reproductive organ?

Vertical or horizontal?

Horizontally.

Then the mouth.

Explaining why the condom is white, Ranevskaya said:

Because White color makes you look fat

A young man and a girl are sitting on a bench. The young man is very shy, and the girl really wants him to kiss her. Then she says:

Oh, my cheek hurts.

The young man kisses her on the cheek.

Well, does it hurt now?

No, it doesn't hurt.

After a while again:

Oh, my neck hurts!

The young man kisses her neck.

Well, does it hurt?

No, it doesn't hurt.

Ranevskaya, who was sitting next to her, asked the young man:

Young man, don’t you treat hemorrhoids?

How many times does a woman blush in her life?

Four: first wedding night when he cheats for the first time, when he takes money for the first time, when he gives money for the first time.

And the man?

Twice: the first time - when the second cannot, the second - when the first cannot.

You have to live in such a way that even the bastards remember you.

Faina Georgievna, how are you?
- Do you know, my dear, what shit is? So this is it compared to my life? jam.

On an empty stomach, a Russian person does not want to do or think anything, but on a full stomach, he cannot.

Animals, which are few in number, are included in the Red Book, and those that are numerous are included in the Book of Tasty and Healthy Food.

Lesbianism, homosexuality, masochism, sadism are not perversions. Actually, there are only two perversions: field hockey and ice ballet.

If a woman walks with her head down, she has a lover! If a woman walks with her head held high, she has a lover! If a woman holds her head straight, she has a lover! And in general - if a woman has a head, then she has a lover!

This lady can already choose who she wants to impress.

God created women beautiful so that men could love them, and stupid so that they could love men.

Women, of course, are smarter. Have you ever heard of a woman who would lose her head just because a man has beautiful legs?

Looking at the hole in your skirt: Nothing can hold back the pressure of beauty!

About the director Z.: Perpetum male.

Spelling errors in a letter are like a bug on a white blouse.

What I do? I feign health.

I’m like an old palm tree at a train station - no one needs it, but it’s a shame to throw it away.

To the question: “Are you sick, Faina Georgievna?” - she habitually answered: “No, I just look like that.”

“I’ve been swimming in the toilet butterfly style my whole life.”

My life... I lived around, everything didn’t work out. Like the redhead at the carpet.

The companion of glory is loneliness.

He will die from the expansion of his fantasy.

Critiques are Amazons in menopause.

The fairy tale is when he married a frog, and she turned out to be a princess. But reality is when it’s the other way around.

I spoke for a long time and unconvincingly, as if I was talking about the friendship of peoples.

I feel well, but not well.

Sclerosis cannot be cured, but it can be forgotten.

If the patient really wants to live, doctors are powerless.

Family replaces everything. Therefore, before you get one, you should think about what is more important to you: everything or family.

Let this be a small gossip that must disappear between us.

I don't see faces, but personal insults.

Old age is a time when the candles on a birthday cake cost more than the cake itself, and half the urine goes for testing.

To help us see how much we are overeating, our stomach is located on the same side as our eyes.

Starring in a bad movie is like spitting into eternity.

I’m watching this film for the fourth time and I must tell you that today the actors played like never before.

Success is the only unforgivable sin towards your loved one.

I lived with many theaters, but never enjoyed it

I receive letters: “Help me become an actor.” I answer: “God will help!”

Health is when you have pain in a different place every day.

Old age is when you don't worry bad dreams, but a bad reality.

A real man is a man who remembers exactly a woman's birthday and never knows how old she is. A man who never remembers a woman's birthday, but knows exactly how old she is, is her husband.

It has always been unclear to me - people are ashamed of poverty and not ashamed of wealth.

I was smart enough to live my life stupidly.

Is my shallow thought clear?

If a woman walks with her head down, she has a lover! If a woman walks with her head held high, she has a lover! If a woman holds her head straight, she has a lover! And in general - if a woman has a head, then she has a lover!
***
This lady can already choose who she wants to impress.
***

God created women beautiful so that men could love them, and stupid so that they could love men.
***
Women, of course, are smarter. Have you ever heard of a woman who would lose her head just because a man has beautiful legs?
***

About the director Z.: Perpetum male.
***
What I do? I feign health.
***
- Faina Georgievna, how are you?
- Do you know, my dear, what shit is? So this is it compared to my life? jam.
***
On an empty stomach, a Russian person does not want to do or think anything, but on a full stomach, he cannot.
***
Animals, which are few in number, are included in the Red Book, and those that are numerous are included in the Book of Tasty and Healthy Food.
***
I’m like an old palm tree at a train station - no one needs it, but it’s a shame to throw it away.
***

To the question: “Are you sick, Faina Georgievna?” - she habitually answered: “No, I just look like that.”
***
“I’ve been swimming in the toilet butterfly style my whole life.”
***
My life... I lived around, everything didn’t work out. Like the redhead at the carpet.
***
The companion of glory is loneliness.
***
He will die from the expansion of his fantasy.
***

Critiques are Amazons in menopause.
***
The fairy tale is when he married a frog, and she turned out to be a princess. But reality is when it’s the other way around.
***
I spoke for a long time and unconvincingly, as if I was talking about the friendship of peoples.
***
I feel well, but not well.
***
Sclerosis cannot be cured, but it can be forgotten.
***
If the patient really wants to live, doctors are powerless.
***

Family replaces everything. Therefore, before you get one, you should think about what is more important to you: everything or family.
***
Let this be a small gossip that must disappear between us.
***
I don't see faces, but personal insults.
***
Old age is a time when the candles on a birthday cake cost more than the cake itself, and half the urine goes for testing.
***
Starring in a bad movie is like spitting into eternity.
***
I’m watching this film for the fourth time and I must tell you that today the actors played like never before.
***
Success is the only unforgivable sin towards your loved one.
***
I lived with many theaters, but never enjoyed it
***

I receive letters: “Help me become an actor.” I answer: “God will help!”
***
Health is when you have pain in a different place every day.
***
Old age is when it is not bad dreams that bother you, but bad reality.
***
A real man is a man who remembers exactly a woman's birthday and never knows how old she is. A man who never remembers a woman's birthday, but knows exactly how old she is, is her husband.
***
It has always been unclear to me - people are ashamed of poverty and not ashamed of wealth.
***

You have to live in such a way that even the bastards remember you.
***
I was smart enough to live my life stupidly.
***
Is my shallow thought clear?
***
Explaining to someone why the condom is white, Ranevskaya said:
- Because white color makes you look fat.
***

The great Russian actress Alexandra Yablochkina remained a maiden until old age. Once she asked Ranevskaya how they actually make love. After detailed story Ranevskaya Yablochkina exclaimed:
- God! And all this without anesthesia!!!
***
“Faina,” asks her old friend, “do you think medicine is making progress?”
- But what about it? When I was young, I had to take off my clothes every time I visited the doctor, but now it’s enough to show my tongue.
***
One day Ranevskaya demanded that Tanya Shcheglova, an engineer by profession, explain to her why iron ships do not sink. Tanya tried to remind Ranevskaya of Archimedes’ law.
“What are you talking about, dear, I got a bad grade,” Faina Georgievna complained detachedly.
- Why, when you sit in the bath, the water is forced out and pours onto the floor? - Tanya pressed.
“Because I have a big ass,” Ranevskaya answered sadly.
***

Why, Faina Georgievna, don’t you put your signature on this play? You almost rewrote it for the author!
- And that suits me. I play the role of eggs: I participate, but do not enter.
***
The fabric on Ranevskaya’s skirt had become thinner from long wear. Faina Georgievna, rather with pleasure than with regret, states, looking at the hole: “Nothing can hold back the pressure of beauty!”
***
Our people are the most gifted, kind and conscientious. But almost somehow it turns out that we are constantly, eighty percent, surrounded by idiots, scammers and creepy ladies without dogs. Trouble!" (From a notebook.)
***

Ranevskaya once said that according to the results of a study conducted among two thousand modern women, it turned out that twenty percent, i.e. every fifth person does not wear panties.
- For goodness sake, Faina Georgievna, where could they have printed this here?
- Nowhere. I received the data personally from a salesperson in a shoe store.
***
—What is the difference between smart and wise? - they asked Ranevskaya.
- A smart man knows how to get out of a difficult situation, but a wise man never gets into one.
***

Ranevskaya was asked:
- How can a person who has suffered a misfortune console himself?
-- Clever man will be consoled when he realizes the inevitability of what happened. The fool is consoled by the fact that the same thing will happen to others.
***
- A woman, in order to succeed in life, must have two qualities. “She must be smart enough to please stupid men, and stupid enough to please smart men,” Ranevskaya said.
***

Once Ranevskaya was asked:
-- Why beautiful women enjoy great success, than smart?
- This is obvious - after all, there are very few blind men, and stupid ones are a dime a dozen.
***
- And you know, I don’t like flowers. Trees are thinkers, and flowers are cocottes.
***
The boy said: “I’m angry with Pushkin, the nanny told him fairy tales, but he wrote them down and passed them off as his own.”
"Lovely!" - Ranevskaya relayed what she heard. After a deep sigh, the continuation followed:
“But I’m afraid the boy is still a complete idiot.”
***
It remains unclear whether this was a slip or a joke:
- Why are all women such fools?
***

How many times does a woman blush in her life?
-- Four times: on the wedding night, when you cheat on your husband for the first time, when you take money for the first time, when you give money for the first time.
- And the man?
- Twice: the first time - when the second cannot, the second - when the first cannot.
***
“Today I killed five flies,” said Ranevskaya. - Two males and three females.
- How did you determine this?
— Two were sitting on a beer bottle, and three were on a mirror.
***

In the presence of Ranevskaya one day there was a conversation about modern youth
“You’re right,” noted Faina Georgievna, “today’s youth are terrible.” But what is even more terrible is that we do not belong to it.
***
“Either I’m getting old and stupid, or the youth of today don’t look like anything!” - Ranevskaya complained. Previously, I simply didn’t know how to answer their questions, but now I don’t even understand what they are asking.
***
“A Russian person doesn’t want to do or think anything on an empty stomach, but on a full stomach he can’t.”
***

Ranevskaya loved to repeat: one should, if possible, eliminate from life everything for which money is needed. But with annoyance she added Balzac’s aphorism: “You need money, even to get by without it.”
***
- Why do you play for money?
- You can play for money in three cases: if you have the ability and money, if there is no money, but you have the ability, and if you have no ability, but you have money.
***
“Nature has very carefully thought out the structure of our body,” Ranevskaya once remarked philosophically. - So that we can see how much we overeat, our stomach is located on the same side of the body as our eyes.
***
— Faina Georgievna, do you think that sitting in the toilet is mental or physical work?
- Of course, mental. If it was a physical job, I would hire a person.
***

Oleg Dal said:
- The scene is being filmed on location. In an open field. Ranevskaya’s stomach is not good. She retires to a green house somewhere on the horizon. No and no, no and no. They send the dead man several times: has something happened? Ranevskaya responds, reassures, says that she is alive, and again she is not there and not.
Finally she appears and majestically says: “Lord! Who would have thought that there was so much shit in a person!”
***
After the evening reading, the ersatz grandson asked Ranevskaya:
- How did Little Red Riding Hood find out that it was not her grandmother who was lying on the bed, but Gray wolf?
- Yes, it’s very simple: the granddaughter counted the legs - the wolf has four legs, and the grandmother only two. You see, Leshenka, how important it is to know arithmetic!
***
Once, when Ranevskaya was still living in the same apartment with the Wulfs, and little Alyosha was capricious at night and would not fall asleep, Pavel Leontyevna suggested:
- Maybe I should sing something to him?
“Well, why do it right away,” Ranevskaya objected. - Let's try again in a good way.
***
- Fufa! - Ranevskaya’s ersatz grandson wakes him up. - It seems to me that a mouse is squeaking somewhere...
- Well, what do you want from me? So I can go lubricate it?
***
Ranevskaya explains to her grandson how a fairy tale differs from a fairy tale:
- The fairy tale is when he married a frog, and she turned out to be a princess. But reality is when it’s the other way around.
***
“When you get married, Alyoshenka, then you will understand what happiness is.”
-Yes?
-- Yes. But it will be too late.
***
The ersatz grandson asks Fufa:
- Why are you always drinking something from a bottle, and then squealing “pee-pee-pee”
“This is medicine,” Ranevskaya answers. Can you read? Then read: “Take after meals.”