Funny with the phrase something like this. Cool expressions

Everyday life confronts us with periodic problems at work, which are sometimes difficult to solve without a sense of humor. That is why you need to have a couple of funny aphorisms in reserve that will completely defuse the stop.

Tapping on the keyboard does not mean controlling the joystick.
The programmer is sleeping - work is in progress.
System administrators don't die - they go offline.
I am a politician and I know how to send people so that they will look forward to the journey with pleasure.
Users social networks and those who like to play “Klondike” at work have greatly developed the ability of lateral vision and quick reaction.
Give me a point of support, I’ll at least lie down there (analogy with “I’ll turn the Earth upside down”)
The boss wants to find a wizard, but he only gets storytellers.
If management disagrees with you, then immediately explain why you are wrong.
Don't agree with the team? Become the boss. Let them try to disagree with you.
Russia amazing country. Everywhere they work to get a bonus, but here they work so as not to lose it.
The boss is always right, because this unique person decides to take a courageous act: to voice with his mouth the decision made in the back seat.
A woman has two options: get married successfully and not work, or find a job that doesn’t require getting married.
The best corporate party is the one after which, when each colleague enters, everyone applauds and hoots in unison.
They either say good things about their bosses or they talk about other jobs.
The first vacation is when you relax yourself, the second is when you are your boss.

It won't be difficult to cheer up your colleagues easily. And you will also become a great comedian, which is priceless in a team. After all, finding friends and like-minded people is priceless, and that’s why it’s worth using cool phrases to lift the mood in the team.

How to make others laugh

If you want to become the life of the party, then you will need eloquence in your arsenal interesting sayings about life to lift your spirits. They can be used in completely different situations and can be easily juggled with expressions in dialogues with others. What encouraging phrases with a slight touch of irony and humor can be used?

Does your wife refuse to talk in the morning? Rejoice, the corporate party was a success.
A man should have great family, so that he would happily return home and a terrible mother-in-law, so that he would hurry to return to work.
Small children in the back seat cause accidents, and accidents in the back seat cause small children.
And why aren't women like dogs? They understand everything, but they can’t say it.
What goes around is never found again.
With alcohol you need to know when to stop, otherwise you might end up drinking less.
I know my limit, but will you drink it?
— What does a child lack in his body if he eats plasticine? - Brains!
We are frightened by clients who are interested in how to get to our car dealership by bus from the metro station. After all, they are interested in Gelendvagen.
You have to work for a stingy person, he pays twice.
Drinking tap water is harmful, but an apple washed with it is immediately bacteria-free.
To print photos of winter St. Petersburg, you just need to have a black and white printer on hand.
Life experience comes only with bastards.
Millionaires earn hundreds of times more than me, but the tax authorities are only interested in me. Apparently there are problems with delivery.
Does your grandmother let you go for walks without a hat in the winter? Check, apparently she is not your family.
The alarm clock is like the sound of a gunshot. Most lie as if killed.
-Good afternoon, we are coming to you from St. Petersburg. Well, there’s no point in making threats right out of the gate.
If your boyfriend doesn’t go out with friends, doesn’t interrupt, is with you all the time, then poke him with a shelf - he’s probably dead.
If before work you look at the opposite sex with pleasure, but after that you don’t, it means that the intimacy was somewhere in the middle.
When on Monday the boss says: “Well, let’s get to work!”, the main thing is not to think that this is a toast.

Use your humor to add something of your own to the suggested phrases. It is quite possible that in the company you will be valued precisely for improvised jokes and understanding of other people’s moods; and very soon your statements will be quoted. Sometimes with one word or sentence you can establish contact in a team, if you bring a genuine smile to people’s faces.

Laughter is the solution to all problems

Even when you feel tension in the team or are very depressed yourself, it is enough to remember positive thoughts to lift your spirits, and everything around you will sparkle with new colors. And if you are positive, you can give a charge positive energy to everyone who is near you.

Do you want to enjoy life? So live and be happy about it.
Fate often throws us back a step, but this is only a running start before a big leap.
It’s nice to think that I’m also a rake in someone’s fate.
You need to dream about what you are forbidden to even think about.
They said you were born to crawl? Rejoice, you are one of those people who will never do shit from above.
Always go towards your dreams. Tired of walking? Crawl. There is no strength to crawl, but at least lie down and lie towards your dreams.
I have a conscience! I spend it rationally.
I fell ill with a good mood. I don’t even think about getting treatment, let everyone else get infected.
Is every damn lumpy? So sculpt cool lumps.
The dark streak of my life will only come from the best chocolate.
If life is a series of black and white, then I intend to stop at white and go along.
Only the one who doesn’t lie when asked: “How are you?” is happy.
Happiness just doesn’t come, I’ll go and step on it myself.
I want a miracle! Do not offer yogurt!
If a man leaves you, do not hold him back, but ask him to throw out the trash on the way.
And wherever I went. I didn’t go to the Maldives, I didn’t go to Cyprus, I didn’t even go to Greece. I'm thinking about where to go this year.
Why did you decide that I am vindictive? I have a very bad memory, I have to write everything down.
Previously, if a girl met a guy with a cool car, she knew that he had money, but now that he has a loan.
Dad, I ask you, when he asks for my hand, just say that you don’t mind. Don't hug him and call him your savior!
My parents said it was time for me to live alone. Well, I collected their things and am waiting.
It’s clear in my cat’s eyes that I’m the one living in her apartment and it seems like it’s time for me to move out.
I like that you are not sick with me... I don’t like that you are sick in life.
Came home. My husband cooked dinner and cleaned the apartment. I thought I had messed up something, but no, the computer was broken.
Are you trying to spit in my back? Great, that means I'm ahead.
Look for the positive in everything. They're putting out a fire in your apartment above you, so it's time to throw a foam party.

It’s not difficult to remember words and phrases for every day to surprise your friends, colleagues or family. But you will be the star of the program at any party and gatherings. Of course, you shouldn’t say them out of place, but it’s easy to wait for the right moment to amaze others.

Always joke about everything

Sometimes even laconic sarcasm will not cause dissatisfaction. A subtle joke on someone will only add zest to your humor. It is worth remembering that this can only be done in the company of close friends. People you don't know well won't appreciate your impulse. But any positive statements addressed to someone will always go off with a bang. Aphorisms to lift your spirits will become the reason for your popularity.

Funny phrases to lift your spirits, short and long, that you should keep for yourself:

I'm a cat and I don't care what mice think about me.
I was not noticed in connections that discredit me. – Were there no such connections? - What are you, you just weren’t noticed.
Even if I fall face first into the mud, it will be healing.
Horseradish is a very educated plant, because it knows everything.
All poisonings begin with the words: “Nothing will happen to this in the refrigerator.”
Everyone has a hobby. Some people collect stamps, others collect ship models. My husband has been assembling a wardrobe from Ikea for three years.
We just ran and jumped around construction sites as children, and now we do parkour.

You can easily find and come up with many witty, positive statements for every day, if you look at it with humor the world. In every problem, even the most serious, one can find something curious and funny. The main thing is not to lose heart, then it will become easier to worry.

From time to time each of us needs to hear funny words to smile. Therefore, in search Have a good mood, we resort to various collections of cool expressions and phrases. When you are cheerful, the whole world smiles back at you.

Every day we hear a lot of short, cool phrases, but not all of them remain in our ears, and even fewer are remembered. The origin of a funny phrase is forgotten, but the meaning remains, especially if the phrase is funny.

It is impossible to imagine our life without laughter and smiles, without humor and fun. We offer our selection of cool expressions and phrases for free, and let no one be left without a smile! Use every minute in your life!

Usually it is funny, cool phrases that unite companies. Short, funny phrases with meaning most fully reflect the good mood of people in society, have a positive impact on their worldview, and help determine common interests. And it doesn’t matter at all whether there are new cool phrases about love with lines from book work, a chorus from a song, lines from a movie or cartoon.

Short, cool expressions and funny phrases will be appreciated by cheerful people with good feeling humor. On our website we decided to delight you with our cool phrases and expressions.

Short funny phrases will help cheer up your friends

The main meaning of funny phrases is that they describe exciting moments in the lives of many people in a humorous way. Cool phrases about life will help to cheer up friends during a friendly feast. Cool phrases and aphorisms can cheer up during a difficult and difficult period.

There are a lot of cool phrases and aphorisms. Cool phrases and sayings are excerpts taken from works of art, modern films or cartoons.

Mostly cool expressions about life are taken not from books, but from TV and the Internet. Many cool expressions and phrases are full of meaning. The coolest expressions are various puns, or seriousness taken to the point of absurdity. Odessa humor is very multifaceted and many funny expressions become classics.

These cool expressions never get old and always remain relevant. For example, a lot of cool expressions are taken from lines of works of art. Many well-known funny expressions with meaning are taken from the classics of world cinema, which are so pleasant for the older generation to remember.

Free cool expressions and funny sayings

Funny cool expressions about love will help to amaze your companion or companion with wit. Will come in handy funny words and expressions also in case you need to correct an awkward situation or mistake. Most relevant funny sayings and expressions in the company of friends.

Meet friends, enjoy life with our cool aphorisms and expressions, and enjoy your thoughts and the thoughts of your friends.

There are many short, cool phrases and expressions. But we have selected for you only the coolest ones, which in our opinion deserve most attention. Our selection of the coolest phrases and expressions for people who love to have fun and make other people laugh. We invite you to read our free funny phrases and expressions to lift your mood.

Cool expressions and funny phrases to cheer you up

People want a good life, but they always give them a fun one.
Things are never as good with money as they are bad without them.
I found my place in life, but it’s occupied...
Just because you did everything right doesn't mean everything will be fine for you.
Real loneliness is when you talk to yourself all night and no one understands you.
The Minister of Finance sincerely believed that money does not buy happiness.
Study, study and study again, because you still won’t find a job!
They lived happily ever after until they learned that others lived longer and happier lives.
Life is divided into two stages - first there is no mind, then there is no health.
Smoking is harmful, drinking is disgusting, and it is a pity to die healthy.
Very often you learn about the best moments of life from eyewitnesses.
They learn from mistakes, and after mistakes they heal.
Army Canapes Recipe: Simply place a piece of bread on top of another piece of bread.
Money comes and goes and goes and goes...
Once you find your soulmate, other soulmates start wandering around and make you doubt.
Not everyone who comes out into public manages to remain human.
Clicked the mouse...
Classics are a type of literature that people prefer to praise rather than read.
When a person begins to consider himself wiser, he stops becoming wiser.
When appointing a martyr, the consent of the applicant is not required.
They don’t believe in rheumatism or love until the first attack.
This world is strange, where two people look at the same thing, but see the exact opposite.
We would care less about what others think of us if we knew how little they think of us at all.
Only after experiencing the dark everyday life do you begin to appreciate the gray ones.
Don't force your happiness on me, I have my own!
What could you wish for so as not to envy you later?
It's good that you are accepted as one of their own. It's bad that it's in a pigsty.
Sometimes you don’t want to suffer foolishly, but can you really refuse her?
An honest person who dreams of becoming a politician must remember that reverse reincarnation is, in principle, impossible.
Human rights end where the rights of the stronger person begin.
In the life of a real programmer there is only room for two females: Asya and Klava. Well, apart from my mother.
I don't regret the past, I'm sad about the future that died in it.
Do you want sweet dreams? - Fall asleep in the cake!
If you are harnessed, then don’t expect any more carrots.
What roof doesn't like driving fast?
Is a bogatyr someone who steals from the rich?
The quality of a miracle is easy to determine: even eyewitnesses do not believe in a real miracle.
When you begin to delve into the essence of any sale, you remember that in Russian the words “discount” and “throw” are the same root.
Previously, court jesters rang bells, but now they use special signals.
If sport were as useful as we are told, then there would be five Jews hanging on each horizontal bar.
If you see only the good in everything, then you won’t change anything for the better.
All men are the same, only their salaries are different.
If a woman tries to preserve her virginity before marriage, she has many chances to maintain it until retirement.
He knew how to do everything... True, he couldn’t do anything.
Everything would be fine, but this nothing is too much.
Became a vegetarian - switched to weed...
If people constantly laugh at you, it means you bring joy to people.
Every person has exactly as much vanity as he lacks intelligence.
A lot changes in Russia in five years, almost nothing changes in two hundred years.
Attractive women are distracting.
Forecasters, like sappers, make only one mistake.
But every day.
What date is May Day?
God, I'm a cow.
Smoking warns: the Ministry of Health is a sneak.
If you catch a mouse, eat slowly.
If your armpit smells, change the rug.
Do you fly in your dreams? Sleep at home.
If it weren't for my legs, I wouldn't be here.
The height of freedom is round dances.
Don't dance, I'll get more.
If everything is beautiful in a person, it means that this is not our person!
Baldness is the process of replacing combing with washing.
Today we drink dry wine! Pour it in!
An ideal marriage: she plays first fiddle, and he doesn’t care (E. Kashcheev)
If money doesn’t make you happy, then it’s not yours.
In Russia, the people have not yet said their word, but it is already written on the fence...
A person has either a sense of humor or schadenfreude.
Each pioneer must hand over 15 kg of waste paper to the state and two who do not hand over.
While I was not serving, I slept peacefully, I knew that they were guarding me. During the service, he slept poorly and was guarded. After the service I don’t sleep at all... I know who’s guarding
It is indecent to show up to an organized drinking party in person disorganizedly drunk!
The slower the train goes, the wider the expanses of our Motherland.
Never have books emitted so much light as in the fires of the Inquisition.
If it were not for sclerosis, I would constantly think about my people.
Scientists have found that the most clear language on Earth - Chinese. 1.5 billion people understand it.
The small is a well-nibbled big.
Physics has been canceled in Estonian schools so as not to traumatize children with the concept of “speed.”
Be sure to write aphorisms - they will make your therapist’s work easier...
Our monastery asked the Holy Synod whether it is possible to pray while smoking, and they told us - it is possible! Since then, our monks have been smoking during prayer...
A man is a homing system.
Only until the end of the month! Everyone who buys a satellite dish will receive a satellite spoon and a satellite plug as a gift!

It is impossible to imagine our life without laughter and smiles, without humor and fun. Therefore, from time to time, each of us needs to step away from everyday worries, relax and have at least a little fun. Cool phrases and funny sayings- a true wonderful remedy for quickly raising a good mood. Cool phrases and statuses are very popular because they describe exciting moments in the lives of many people in a humorous way. They will help you amaze your interlocutors with your wit, as well as amuse your friends, colleagues, bored company or guests. holiday party. Cool expressions can also be useful to “defuse” tense situations or in awkward situations when you need to correct your mistake.
There are many wonderful funny phrases and expressions. I tried to select the best, coolest “phrases” that, in my opinion, deserve the most attention. Read, and let no one be left without a smile!

My character, of course, is not sugar, but I was not created to be added to tea!
If I ever die because of a man, it will be from laughing.
I'm neither good nor bad. I am kind with an evil stripe!
I only have one life and I can't afford to be unhappy!
I thought I was special, but it turned out I was better than everyone else...
It’s not enough to know your worth—you also need to be in demand.
What it is, you can’t put it back!!!
So what if the wind is in my head, but my thoughts are always fresh...
Where have you seen a cat that cares what mice say about it?
If you spit in my back, it means I'm ahead of you!
Don't tell me what to do and I won't tell you where to go!
If you want me to be an angel, organize heaven for me!
My life my rules. If you don't like my rules, don't interfere in my life.
Not noticed in vicious relationships... Wasn’t it? No... Not noticed!
You need to live in such a way that others experience depression!
When will they learn to conduct light in ladies' handbag?! I really need it!!!
We are strong women: we will take out the trash and brains if necessary!
I'm losing weight on three diets! (I can’t get enough of two...)
He eats - I cook, he wears - I wash, he scatters - I clean. And what would I do without him...
Women's folk pastime: I came up with it myself, I was offended myself.
I’m like champagne: I can be playful, but I can also hit you in the head...
That's how I want to be weak woman, but, as luck would have it, the horses are galloping, the huts are burning...
Sometimes my husband shudders from me... Still, I am an amazing woman!!!
The girls are standing on the sidelines, fiddling with handkerchiefs in their hands... Because for every ten girls, according to statistics: 1 is gay, 4 are alcoholics, 2 are divorced, 2 are drug addicts and 1 is normal, but he is married...
What is the difference between fake love and real love? Fake: “I like the snowflakes on your hair!” The real one: “Fool, why without a hat?”
If a woman has sparkles in her eyes, it means the cockroaches in her head are celebrating something.
- How to drive a girl crazy?
- Give her a lot of money and close all the stores!
Men, let's do the laundry, clean, cook, iron... and we want you!
I really want to snuggle up to someone, put my lips to my ear and whisper...: “Give me money!”
Sometimes I open my closet, look at it for a long time and realize that I’m keeping two-thirds of my clothes in case I go crazy.
Classical women's wardrobe: Nothing to wear. There is nowhere to hang it. It would be a pity to throw it away... And there is also a section “Suddenly I’ll lose weight”...
You need to smile so widely that problems stumble over your smile!
An optimist is a person who, even having fallen face first into the mud, is sure that it is healing!
Girls, who wanted to lose weight by spring?.. It’s too late to rush around, let’s take it with charm!
This morning, while I was putting on makeup, I fainted 5 times from my beauty...
Previously, I lived alone and all my things were lying haphazardly in their places, but now I’m married and all my things are neatly and beautifully lying in an unknown place...
I want fate to take me by the hair and head straight into happiness, happiness, happiness.
A woman should be loved, happy, beautiful! And she doesn’t owe anyone anything anymore!!!
The smartest plant is the horseradish: it knows everything...
Now I live only by this principle: whoever wants it will come, whoever needs it will call, whoever is bored will find it! And who cares, those don’t care!
All men are bastards! They all only need one thing! But why, why not from me-me-me?!
I would send you, but I can see you from there!
Women are not interested in wimps only if those wimps are men.
If you think that life is wonderful, then the antidepressants are chosen correctly.
If there are nails on the feet, then there should be hands on the hands, and animals generally have bast shoes!
There is nothing better in the world than creaking your bed until dawn!
Judging by the way life fucks me, I'm sexy as fuck!
The robbers demand your purse or your life, the women demand both.
Never do evil out of spite! Nasty things must come from the heart!
How smarter woman, the more refined and varied she blows her man away!
Any dirty trick can be put to proper use if there is a desire...
Queens are never upset. When they are sad, they simply execute someone...
The weaker sex is stronger than the stronger sex due to the weakness of the stronger sex towards the weaker.
Long live split personality - the shortest path to mental balance!
Our spring is late, our summer is delayed... And autumn, the bastard, is punctual!
I’m a woman—evil comes as standard!
Don't you want to be nice? - Let's remove the Vaseline!
I am a creative woman. I want - I create, I want - I create...
With a teaspoon in my pocket, with a bald cactus in my hand, I’m going to scare the old woman who lives in the attic, I’ll poke him with a spoon, I’ll order him to sit on the cactus... I’m a bit of a fool - I have a certificate!..
Vasilisa was a magician... If she waves her right sleeve - a lake... If she waves her left sleeve - swans... She waves another 200 grams - and the hallucinations are more complicated...
Happiness is when you have a doctor, a cop, a lawyer and a killer among your friends. Immediately life becomes somehow easier...
There are people who are like a drug—you know you can’t, but you’re drawn to it. And there are people like cake - sweet, tasty, but sick...
I want to be like a bear: to eat in the summer and hibernate in the winter. And I lost weight, and slept well, and didn’t see frost!
Santa Claus, whole year I behaved well...and now can I kill someone???
Caught goldfish. She listened to me very carefully and said: “Fry!”
And they carry me away, and carry me away, into the colored ringing crap, three white horses, two red elephants, a penguin, a hippopotamus and a deer.
What doesn’t kill us, we regret it very much later.
I am the air. Don't try to hold it back. Breathe while I let myself breathe...
My beloved told me: “You are evil in the flesh!” Well, I'll implement it. I'm very obedient. And if for some reason he needs it, then how can I ignore the request!
I’m a very good cook... I can cook noodles... Brew porridge... Add oil... In general, I’m a clever wizard.
"Baby, I love you!" - excellent status! And all the suns are pleasant, and you won’t get burned...
- You need to treat a girl carefully, like a Christmas tree.
— Knock it out and take it home?
— Strangers make comments to my child! How to react?
— Teach your child the magic spell: “My mother teaches me that not every value judgment should serve as a behavior modifier.” When pronounced with clear diction and confident, benevolent intonation, it acts similarly to the spell: “Petrify!” And more reliably. Although not for long. But without dangerous side effects.
You begin to understand that everything is really bad when the person who usually calms everyone down cries...
As my grandmother used to say, it’s better to shoot, reload and shoot again than to shine a flashlight and ask “who’s there?”
In any situation, say “everything is going according to plan” - you never know what kind of fucking plan you have.
Sometimes it becomes so cool that something that was once so important has become so irrelevant...
And I will leave without noticing any offense.
Chewing a chocolate candy.
And may the evil horse love you,
And not a sunshine like me.
“Darling, is it true that I’m your only one?”
- Have you all come to an agreement today, or what!?
A woman, like fire, should not be left unattended. Either it will go out, or it will burn everything to hell!!!
Alcohol does not help you find the answer, it helps you forget the question...
Darling, you insist so much on our relationship with you... I don’t understand, you have nervous system made of reinforced concrete or lifelong reservation in a madhouse?
Sometimes you think: this is happiness! But no, damn it, experience again...
You drown a person, and it seems so sad, but then bubbles appear, so good, and your heart rejoices.
It’s easy to understand women’s logic; just learn how to play billiards with cubes.
You only need to sort things out with those with whom you have these relationships. The rest - why don't they go to the shore of silence, collect shells...
Happiness is when the previous shit has already ended, and the next one has not yet begun.
Cockroaches in the head are still normal. The problem is when the squirrel starts chasing them out...
A black cat crossing your path means that the animal is going somewhere. Don't complicate things!..
You need to return to the woman as quickly as possible. So quickly that she doesn’t have time to understand that she’s fine without you.
If you love it, set it free. If he doesn't come back, track him down and kill him.
There are a lot of other people's nerves in the world - there's no point in worrying about your own!
I bought cockroach chalk! Now it’s quiet and calm in my head... they sit, draw...
You'll send someone rashly. And in your soul you worry: did you get there?... didn’t you get there?...
- Who are you?
— Kind fairy!
- Why with an axe?
- Yes, the mood is not very good...
She got up on the wrong foot, sat on the wrong broom and generally flew in the wrong direction...
Give me wings, otherwise the broom will leave splinters all over my ass!
In general, I love raspberry pies. Of course, they don’t reciprocate, but they don’t behave like bastards either!
— What will you order?
- I, please, have nerves, intelligence, calmness and s*zma... Yes, more s*zma, please.
Don't be a cheapskate - give the person a second chance. Don't be an idiot - never give a third.
Nerves are in shock, brains are in a trance, and logic has completely gone and shot itself.
If my mother taught me to be cultured, this does not mean that I will not kick you in the eye, as my father taught me!
A realist is someone who doesn't care whether the glass is half full or half empty. For him, what's in the glass is more important.
No matter what the rake teaches, the heart believes in miracles...
It's amazing how much some people enjoy romantic walks along the rake.
If you constantly step on the same rake, then it’s a fucking rake!
Smile more often - and the thicket will smile at you!
Yes, I'm not an angel, but flying on a broom is faster.
Everyone thinks that every girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. No matter how it is! Our dream is to eat and not gain weight!
All women are angels, but if you cut their wings, they start flying on a broom.
A man should be able to do two things: set fire to huts and scare horses, so that his woman has something to do and not blow his brains out.
...and yet it is IMPORTANT that the butterflies in the stomach come to an agreement with the cockroaches in the head!
Yesterday, it seemed, I had gained my wits... Today I woke up - but no, I just gained my wits...
I don’t promise to lead you to sin, but I will…
There’s no need to offend me, I’m a vulnerable girl, the first thing brings me to tears... And then teary eyes it’s so difficult to understand who the shovel hit...
This morning they showed such horrors in the mirror...
I don't drink flowers or sweets!
- Girl, why haven’t we met yet?
- God will take care of you, stupid creature...
I have no excess weight. I have it as a spare.
Female philologist: bright multiple sarcasms on the first date.
While men, being boys, play war games and cars, women, being girls, immediately prepare to manipulate people and play with dolls.
It’s better to be a beloved mischief than to be a perfection that no one needs.
Listen to the voice of reason... Do you hear? Do you hear what crap he is talking about?!
For a woman to go to bed with a man, she needs a feeling of closeness, trust and a strong connection. A man's place is mainly...
Squirrels eat snow. What are you doing to make winter end?
People who helped spring and ate snow, why did you also eat asphalt?
A glassblower accidentally sneezed at work and created new vase for the Ikea store.
If things don't go the way you want, it's not your business, let them pass by.
Don't know how to relieve stress? Don't wear it!!!
It is incorrect to say “the toad is strangling.” It should be like this: “amphibiotropic asphyxia happened to me”
Koala macaque dipped in cocoa. The koala lazily lapped cocoa...
Squirrels in gaiters poke around cedar kernels in the depths of the tundra. In the depths of the tundra, otters in gaiters are digging for cedar kernels in buckets! Having torn out the gaiters from an otter in the tundra, wipe the cedar kernels with the otter, wipe the otter's face with the gaiters - the kernels into buckets, the otter into the tundra.
Having washed the leg warmers in the swamp, put the kernels in buckets, the otters and the squirrels in an embrace quietly finished the jar... While finishing the moonshine, the otters danced a jig, the squirrels tried on the leg warmers, muttering that they had seen a worse holiday in the tundra.
I speak English with only a dictionary, but I’m still shy with people...
When sliding under the table, do not forget to politely say goodbye to your guests.
There is a genius sleeping within each of us. And every day it gets stronger and stronger...
I don’t know what you’re taking for your head, but it’s clearly not helping you!
Sorry, I'm saying when you interrupt…
A beautiful woman pleases the male gaze, an ugly woman pleases the female gaze!
There are no perpetual motion machines in the world, but there are plenty of perpetual brakes!
Take care of your Motherland! Vacation abroad!
I am constantly haunted by smart thoughts, but I find myself faster...
Everyone is spoiled to the best of their ability.
If a gentleman says to a lady, “I understand you perfectly,” he means, “You talk twice as much as you need to”!
If you leave your husband correctly, he will definitely return... like a boomerang.
If you want to bring a person to sclerosis, give him a loan.
Looking at how some accumulate good, others begin to accumulate evil.
There are so many interesting things in this life and so few people are interested.
If you want to marry a smart, beautiful and rich woman, marry three times.
Sclerosis cannot be cured, but you can forget about it.
If you cannot be a star in the sky, at least become a lamp in the house.
A man, even if he could understand what a woman was thinking, would still not believe it.
The best way to organize a panic is to ask everyone to remain calm.
Everyone wants to have a good time, but you won't have one.
Tell me I'm wrong and I'll tell you who you are.
What a pity that you are finally leaving!..
Lost conscience. I ask the finder not to worry and keep it for himself.

It doesn’t matter if you take a kitten or a man into your home! For six months, a cute little pug, and then a cunning, arrogant fellow!

Not everything beautiful can be rationally conveyed in words. It happens that you like it madly, but it comes out of your mouth: “fuck!”

All instructions in Russian must begin with the words: “Well, you idiot, have you already broken it?”

I haven’t said, “Go to hell!” for a long time now. I say: “Everyone stay in their places!”

If a girl asks you to leave her alone, leave her alone. Just don't leave her alone under any circumstances! In short, good luck to you, brother.

Worms always whine that they live in the ass. This is a biography. Only outside the ass they are not viable. This is biology.

Today I went to bed at 22-00. It's already 3-10, and I still can't get enough of the fact that I went to bed so early!

People need to be trusted. Not money, of course. Or secrets. And so - in general.

The hardest thing to keep is a promise to yourself. You know: if anything happens, they will understand and forgive you.

“You can’t” only happens to those who don’t ask.

Those who don't take risks... drink vodka at the funeral of the one who took the risk.

When I was little, I really wanted to grow up. Who knew there was such a setup here...

If it’s possible, let alone necessary, then somehow I don’t really want to.

The healing properties of horseradish: if you put it on something, it immediately becomes easier.

Wisdom is an age-related slowdown in brain function, leading to the inability to make hasty decisions.

I hung a talisman over the door, against all evil spirits, went out to the store, came back... the key in the door broke... I can’t go in...

What if Lenin lies in the mausoleum because he was bewitched evil fairy, and if you kiss him, the spell will go away and the USSR will return?

Those who tell you about me tell me about you. Never forget this.

Everyone is showing off, absolutely everyone. And those who don’t show off, then show off by not showing off.

In case of fire, follow the sequence! First - leave the building, then - write to social networks: VK, Odnoklassniki, Facebook, Twitter...

Conscience is like that... It torments not those whom it should torment, but those who have it.

At work we have coffee machine. I have already lost my salary to him.

If you're reading this SMS, it means I'm already drunk.

The rooster saw the chicken in the microwave and said: “The loaf is vigorous... there is no one in the village to lay eggs, but here she rides on the carousel!”

The man's tail fell away, but the need to wag it remained.

You need to borrow money from pessimists, they know in advance that they will not be given back

Sitting up to your ears in shit, you can’t really open your mouth.

Organs are like organs and just an ass, a mass entertainer

Malvina’s story proved that a woman can easily fall in love with a man, even if he has a wooden head, but at least he has a golden key.

It's cool to be fat. You immediately understand why you have no personal life. And when you’re thin, look for reasons, guess, suffer.

Working is not a woman's job. A woman must go to work to show off her new dresses!

You walk like this with a mug of tea in your hands and a book. And instead of a book you throw tea on the bed...

Previously, when I had no money, I associated it with lack of work. Now I have a job. But apparently I'm doing something wrong.

They say you won't be lucky if your breasts are smaller than your stomach.

You can’t earn all the money, you can’t fuck all the women, you can’t drink all the vodka... but did that ever stop men?

The secret of my always great health and constant good mood? Vegetarianism, yoga and some meat and vodka for dinner!

I love weekends! You can get to work quickly and without traffic jams.

Tomorrow is a mythical place where you run in the morning, live life to the fullest and solve your life problems.

Progress... Smart glasses, smart watches, smart sneakers, smart microwaves... Only stupid people remain.

Have you noticed that if you are the last one to enter a compartment, you feel as if you are visiting?

I have eternal problems– I constantly say something wrong: “put on” instead of “put on”, “go to hell” instead of “okay, I’ll listen to your comments”….

When choosing a life partner, do not forget that in your free time from sex you will also have to talk about something.

I woke up early to walk around longer with a dissatisfied face.

Man was born for happiness, and not “to obey”! Vasilisa, 4 years old.

Frigid - they are only frigid in bed, but their needs are like everyone else.

A woman, when choosing one of two men, hesitates only when she does not need either one or the other.

Ah... I'll give it! - Eva decided.

As one comedian put it, you need to be able to laugh at yourself, and why not smile at the funny statements of other people. Laughter is important for human health and morale. It prolongs life, promotes positive perception events, shows that you definitely shouldn’t be discouraged in any situation. Let's dive into the whole list funny sayings, which may be useful for expanding your vocabulary.

Sometimes one short sentence can lift your mood for the whole day. People often say the funniest phrases without thinking. That's why they turn out to be incredibly funny.

Here are ten phrases that can make you smile and make you think.

The son of an avid poker player cannot understand whether his father loves him or not.
A small group of smart climbers have circumnavigated Mount Everest. – It’s not for nothing that they say that a smart person doesn’t go uphill.
Recently my wife said: “We are not close enough for me to weigh myself in front of you!”
Wisdom does not always come with age; sometimes old age comes alone.

When a compliment doesn’t make you happy: “Darling, there is no woman better than you! Yesterday I was convinced of this again!”
Modern world: There is no more tragic story in the world than the one about the lost Internet.
A little about education: a diploma allows you to make mistakes much more confidently.
An optimist is confident that he lives in the best of all worlds. The pessimist is afraid that this is true. – What does a realist do?

Born yourself - help another. – A very effective motto of China.
Don't be afraid to do what you don't know how to do. The main thing to remember is that the ark was built by an amateur, while professionals built the Titanic.

Funny phrases from movies

A great way to cheer up is to watch a good movie. Let's remember the funny moments from Soviet and other films.

Here I am walking beautifully along the street, and the men around me are falling and falling... And they themselves are stacked in piles! (Film “Girls”).

Either aristocrats or degenerates drink champagne in the morning! ("The Diamond Arm").
If a woman asks for something, you must give it to her. Otherwise she will take it herself. (“The Man from the Boulevard des Capucines”).

Make a mysterious face, fool! ("Dog's heart").
Well, citizens are alcoholics, hooligans, parasites... Who wants to work today? (“Operation Y and other adventures of Shurik”).

I have no time to look after. You are attractive, I am damn attractive. Why waste time? I'm waiting at midnight. (“An Ordinary Miracle”).
- How did you end up in the Spanish monastery?
- I took it for a brothel. Easy to confuse. ("Pirates of the Caribbean").

You dream of playing as a striker, but they use you as a ball. ("Taxi")
- If I were your wife, I would leave too. - If you were my wife, I would hang myself! (“Ivan Vasilyevich is changing his profession”).

- Who writes? - Anonymous. - God gave me a surname. (“Queen of the Gas Station”)

Funny phrases to cheer you up

The main thing is to maintain a positive attitude. Here are a few phrases that will come in handy at a time when the mood does not want to rise at all, people only upset, things fall, and wages do not grow.

A little philosophy: The attitude towards others depends greatly on why they surrounded you.
We describe our state correctly: I’m in such a good mood today that I can’t say it in a fairy tale or formulate it with obscenities.
Who said that laziness cannot be combined with a rebellious spirit: I lie on the couch all day and nothing can stop me, because I have no brakes!

Always go towards your dreams. Tired of walking? Then crawl. No strength to crawl? Feel free to lie down and lie in the direction of your dreams.
Why did you decide that I am vindictive? I have a very bad memory, I have to write everything down.
There is an opinion that Orange color can improve your mood. Tip: Scatter five thousand dollar bills throughout the house. Great mood guaranteed!
I came to work in no mood. She ruined it for everyone. I sit and smile.

When even a vacation in the garden is perceived with humor: And everywhere I went. I didn’t go to the Maldives, I didn’t go to Cyprus, I didn’t even go to Greece. I'm thinking about where to go this year.
Everyone has a hobby. Some people collect stamps, others collect ship models. My husband has been assembling a wardrobe from Ikea for three years.
Even if I fall face first into the mud, it will be healing.

Funny phrases for conversation

Let's replenish lexicon funny expressions.

I was about to leave, but then they poured it again.– There is always a reason to stay.
We don’t need someone else’s, but we will definitely take ours, no matter whose it is.– How to stupefy your interlocutor.
I would look at you forever - through an optical sight.- But sincerely and sincerely.
I don't know how it should be, but you're doing it wrong. – A very relevant phrase.
Being bitten by mosquitoes, he fell into the sin of foul language.- A witty explanation.
I'm not slow - I just think smoothly.- Not a bad excuse
Why do I need a waist? I'm married now.- Really.
Tell me, should I help you or not interfere?
If your conscience torments you at night, try sleeping during the day.

Hitting on girls funny phrases

Girl, help me. I bought pasta, but I have no idea what to do with it (if I answered with advice, then I add: “Can I always consult with you?”).
Girl, how much is your smile worth? I would love to buy one!
Would you like me to give you a ride on the escalator?
You obviously don't like men. To be honest, me too.

What do you think a nice man should say to a nice girl when he meets him on the street, so as not to be rejected?
I have amnesia - haven’t I approached you yet?
Can you tell me what time it is? My watch suddenly went backwards.
I collect signatures of the cutest girls. Could you put yours?
Pretends to pick up a bill from the floor. “Girl, is this yours? Not yours? It turns out I found it! Maybe we can drink it together?”
A man walks past the girl, then turns sharply and asks: “Didn’t you just pinch me?.. No?.. It’s a pity...”

Funny catchphrases

Phrases said precisely to the point can help you get ready and lift your spirits even in the most exciting moment. Some words describe what is happening so vividly that you want to include them in your vocabulary and delight people with the sharpness of your own expressions.

Phrases from the resilient actress Faina Ranevskaya:

“If a patient wants to live, then medicine is powerless”
“Loneliness is when there is a telephone in the house and the alarm clock rings”
“Sclerosis cannot be cured, but it can be forgotten.”

What are V.S.’s performances worth? Chernomyrdin, who created new themes for parodists:

“We will live badly, but not for long.”

Chaplin on women:

“A woman can make any billionaire man a millionaire.”

Mikhail Zadornov about life:

“The most harmful thing is life. Everyone dies from it."
“They lived happily ever after until they met each other!”

Mark Twain on important matters:

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”

From the film “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears”

“Sometimes you hear such nonsense, but it turns out to be a point of view”
“Don’t teach me, better help me financially.”

Funny phrases of children

Children are spontaneous, open to everything new, they have a vivid imagination, which sometimes surprises adults. Small child and older children easily find a non-standard answer in any situation, and their philosophical thoughts They make you not only smile, but also think.

How to ask for what you really want:

- Ma-a-am, I’m thirsty. Just not milk... and not tea... Compote. Or juice. Or better yet, chocolate!

Children's friendship:

I ask my five-year-old son:
- Dima, do you have a friend Vova?
- Yes.
- Doesn’t he offend anyone in kindergarten?
- Mom, we offend together. We're best friends!

- Mom, can I go for a walk?
- With this hole in the tights?
- No, with Svetka from the third floor.

Cunning:

- Mom, let's get a brother or sister. Dad won’t even notice, he’s always at work anyway.

Children need to be surprised:

My daughter got stuck to the rattles in the store.
Mother says:
- Let's go to another department. Maybe there is something more interesting there.
The daughter answers:
- Okay, surprise me.

From Unified State Exam essays in social studies:

If you can’t live in society, the only thing left to do is live with a girl.

When a child asks smart questions:

“Mom, why did you teach me to talk and walk, and now you make me sit silently?”

Excerpts from essays on Russian language and literature:

“He lived with the horse for twenty years...”
“At first the geese swam smoothly, and then they began to make movements under the lambada. This is the last dance."
“Today’s marriages are like the union of a tick and a dog. But the situation is worsened by the fact that usually there are two ticks and not a single dog in a marriage.”

Funny short birthday phrases

Toasts are often made on birthdays. Long toasts are not always perceived by ear, especially if they are too serious. Therefore, you can please your guests with funny short toasts and wishes.

Let's drink to your coffin, dear friend. A coffin that will be made from a hundred-year-old oak tree that has not yet been planted.
In ancient times, or not very long ago. or maybe it was a long time ago. Okay... Lived... or maybe lived... Doesn't matter! Let's drink to the birthday boy!
A little arithmetic: a dacha is “0”, a car and a garage are “0”, an apartment is “0”, money is “0”, health is “1”. Let's drink to the fact that the life of our birthday boy will consist of one unit and then many, many zeros.
Nature in each of the people rises either as grains or as weeds. This toast is for watering the first and tearing out the second. Let's drink, friends, to the birthday boy who managed to grow a beautiful garden within himself!
D Let's drink to the hadron collider, and to the fact that in an hour no one will be able to utter this word.
There is no need to run after a woman like a runaway bus. Remember that the next bus is behind you.
Let's drink to ensuring that buses run as often as possible!
A streak of failure often turns out to be an upswing.
Here's to our joyful prospects on this runway!
Let's drink so that you have everything and you have nothing for it!
Dear friend, I wish you always have a light heart and heavy pockets!

Funny phrases of wishes

I wish your whole life to be dirty and dark...
Let the money be like dirt, and happiness makes your eyes darken.
Buddy,
Remember, we will always come to your rescue...
And the more revenue, the better!

I wish you to have everything in this life: both expected pleasures and pleasant surprises!

Today is your birthday,
This means you need to have a blast!
After all, you will have a whole year,
To have time to recover a little!

You say “hello” to me!
And I say “hello!” to you.
It’s great that we both say hello!

Congratulations, my “old stick”! I wish you incredible fun, love without boundaries and health like a horse!

I would like to wish you a very modest life. For a car without a roof, only old wine, and blue cheese.

Congratulations! Live without enemies and without horns, have success and dreams without interference.

Friend, on your holiday I feel like a Bedouin in the desert who has not seen water... I really want to drink!

Let's drink to the birthday girl, in whose honor such wonderful, cheerful, worthy and modest people, like us!

Funny phrases from cartoons

And now funny phrases from your favorite cartoon characters.

“Where it’s flabby, there’s tenderness!” (Kung Fu Panda)

Good advice: “Never say: “I was mistaken,” rather say, “Wow, how interesting it turned out!” ( glacial period)

- So where is this damn creature?
- Inside. Waiting for us to save her.
- No, I'm talking about the dragon (Shrek)

– As they say – leave your ass in the past!
- No, leave the past behind you! (Timon and Pumbaa)

“If the cabin depressurizes, put on an oxygen mask so that other passengers do not see the horror on your face...” (Madagascar)

“You made me dress up as a modest rabbit, and chose a bright and beautiful suit for yourself. This is not comradely" (Kopatych from the cartoon "Smeshariki")

“Well, who leaves a child alone at the skating rink? what if I break and fall” (Masha and the Bear).

- Mr. Krabs, but I had a dream!
- So what? And I had kidney stones. Time heals everything, my boy (SpongeBob).

“Who, for example, is the ultimate king here? No one? So I’ll be the first!” (Last year's snow fell)

“The right company is the kind of company where they will treat me to something and listen to my Grumpy with pleasure.” (Winnie the Pooh)

Odessa funny phrases

Learn to joke sparklingly when communicating and always find a witty answer to any question - great art. Odessa humor is distinguished by its uniqueness and the fact that it is born precisely in the course of conversations. That's why it's so lively and diverse. Let's look at the humor in the dialogues of Odessa residents, who can incredibly quickly find original answers to any questions.

Self-irony:
- Faina, describe your appearance.
- You can get used to it...

- Syoma, do you love your wife?
- Certainly! Why is she worse than others?
The main thing is persistence:
- Syoma, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go through it again?
A reminder in the toilet in one Jewish family: “Don’t just sit there, think about something.”
Marriage:
- Do you agree to take Faina as your wife?
- Do you have better options?
“God protects those who are careful,” thought the bride when he ran out of paste in his pen during the marriage registration.
Grandma really liked Skype.
- No, just look at what useful thing! It’s like there are guests, but there’s no need to feed them.

- Darling, you and I have only been married for the first day, and we’re already about to quarrel...
- I’ve been waiting for this day for two years!
- Benya, I still promise you that in six years we will live better than in this Europe!
- Why will this happen to them?

A little Odessa hospitality:
- Oh, dears, come again! It’s so good without you later!

Funny phrases in pictures

Funny phrases for a guy

To please your beloved one, you can send him a funny message. Let's see what girls write to their husbands and fiancés.

Dear, I don’t know how to tell you this...So, I took a test today...and it turns out we are a perfect match!
I want you and me to have more in common. Let's get a kitten!
Yesterday I accidentally caught the bride's bouquet. Is there something you want to tell me?
Dear, I’m late because I’ve been looking for my broom for a long time.
Don't be afraid of your desires, be afraid of mine!
You are a treacherous homewrecker, why did you break up the couple? I can't find my second sock.
Please help me find information! Look on the Internet how to tell your loved one that I scratched the car, and at the same time get new phone for a birthday.
She parked the horse, defeated the monster and cooked it for dinner. I'm sitting and waiting for you, my prince!
Darling! The girls and I decided to have a drink. I will definitely call. Don't pick up the phone.
Darling, I am incredibly happy for you! After all, you married so well.

Funny phrases with meaning

Phrases that not only sound funny, but are also fraught with meaning certain meaning and life's truth.

Attention! On the slippery porch quantity cultured people halved!
The genius is sleeping soundly within me. But a fool never sleeps!
In order not to accidentally call his wife by the name of his mistress Anastasia, the husband took the cat and named it Nastya.
Wife: Let's buy a car, I'll learn to drive, at least we'll see the world! Husband: which light - this one or that one?
Sappers do not understand the phrase: we must learn from our mistakes.
Wife to husband: I'm not going to accept you for who you are. I'm not a military registration and enlistment office!
Why do I look great in the mirror, but the camera shows the opposite?
Money is not the main thing. The main thing is their quantity.
How to get a girl to like you: you need to be strong, handsome, rich or just a cat.
About the alcoholic feast: at first it was good, then even better, then so good that it’s still bad!

Funny phrases with names

Funny phrases for girls

These phrases can not only make a girl smile, but also tease her. They should be used with caution.

Girl, you have very beautiful legs! One is more beautiful than the other.
I want to invite you to dinner and breakfast at the same time.
You are so beautiful that it’s scary to look at!
Girl, do you believe in love with the first person you meet? I'm ready to be him.
Can you help me go left? (Dangerous phrase when dating).
In the bus:
I can’t reach the handrail, I’ll hold on to you.
In the elevator:
Girl, aren't you scared of being stuck in an elevator with a maniac like me?
You have a very predatory look, you are probably hungry.
You are so beautiful that you don't need makeup. Leave it a little though.
You believe in love at first sight. No? Perhaps I'll come by again.

Funny phrases that will make you cry

Relevant for online correspondence:
Write a little louder, I can't hear you here.
Great people lived so little! Something is not going well with me today.
I'm ready to do anything for money. Even go to work.
My wife is very good. Others are even worse.
So much has been written about the dangers of smoking that I firmly decided not to read any more.
Optimism is just a lack of information.
I tried to drown my problems in cognac, but they surfaced.
The girl decided to take revenge on the guy and married him.
A first grade student came to Christmas tree dressed as a squirrel, which greatly frightened the guard Mikhail.
The tale of the sleeping beauty once again shows that there is always a person who will wake you up.

Funny phrases that rhyme

Funny phrases about work

Even work should be taken with humor. Here are a few phrases that can cheer up colleagues in the middle of the work week.

I almost live at work. And wages are only decreasing. Probably deducted for accommodation.

I love working in a team. It's easy to blame others.

Funny phrases about women

Finally, funny and wise expressions about the fair half of humanity.

If a girl suddenly becomes silent, it means she wants to say something.
You can't trust a woman who doesn't hide her weight. She won't hesitate to say anything.
The smarter a woman is, the more stupid things she does.
A man chases a woman for so long until she catches him herself.
You can interrupt a woman with impunity only with a compliment.
If men knew what women were thinking, they would behave more confidently.
Real men always achieve what women want from them.
Women forgive their men, even if they are not to blame for anything.
Women still know how to keep secrets. However, they do it together.
A girl can tell her friend for several hours that she has no words.