Ridiculous statements. Funny sayings and funny aphorisms
Once upon a time there was a f***. And everything was good for her because in our country only whores are doing well...
One girl didn't post borscht on Instagram before eating it and died.
Your D drive is corrupted.
Listen, I’m so cold, warm me up quickly!
- It’s like she’s frozen - I found two goosebumps where your chest was.
And on the seventieth floor of the new Moscow skyscraper there will be an elite maternity hospital “Sparta”.
Ugly boys get discounts.
Every woman wants a new dress. But even more she wants to get into the old stuff.
Tried it on wedding ring on your finger. I felt my neck being squeezed.
In Russia, the only prohibitory sign is a concrete block across the road. The rest are warnings.
A person accused of blasphemy must know what he is accused of. This means that accusers must prove the existence of gods, because one can only blaspheme something that exists. If the existence of gods has not been proven, then it is impossible to blaspheme something that does not exist.
Once I came to the Russian Post, and they asked: should I send you a parcel? And let's laugh. In short, they laughed for 40 minutes, and then closed.
“Look how I can!” shouted Putin and ruled the country without hands.
Today no one needs you, and tomorrow too.
A cup of morning depresso.
The biggest trouble for beautiful woman- this is when her ugly friend got married more successfully than she did.
When religion serves politics, the Inquisition is born
It always seemed to me that all the films with Jason Statham in leading role, about the same guy, just finding himself in different situations.
Your true character is determined by how you talk to people who can't do anything for you.
Let's go to my place!? I have a game console at home.
- Which?
- Well, if you play well - twenty centimeters...
When there are only clowns around, for some reason it becomes sad.
The grandmother was setting jars for her grandson and accidentally preserved it.
The Scottish Paratroopers are the most demoralizing fighting unit in the armies of the world.
If you constantly hear someone's breathing, groans and feel someone's gaze on you, get up and give your grandmother your place.
Accepted unexpected decision go see Stas Mikhailov. In a big way.
It was a very bad idea to tell your neighbor that the Internet connection in his closet was poor. Very bad.
Sometimes you think: everything will be cool, but it turns out to be crap.
And sometimes you think: it’s going to be crap, and it’s like looking into the water!
It happens that someone calls and asks: “Who is this?”
I came up with an ingenious answer that simply drives the caller into a stupor: “Where?”
If you catch goldfish on the territory of Ukraine, one wish will have to be rolled back.
Apple's biggest flaw is that the subscriber cannot see from which iPhone you are calling him.
First they f**k out, f**k out, and then fuck - and lonely thirty-year-old women.
One-year-old Nikita does not want to get married. He believes that first you need to get on your feet.
Ukraine. There is a radio in the minibus - there is a children's quiz with a geographical bias. The announcer asks a question: - The name of which city in Ukraine consists of two parts: the first is what a person cannot live without, the second is what brings people peace? The answer is ZHITO - peace.
Aunt in the salon: - Why not Kherson?!
A claim for protection of honor and dignity is most often filed by those who have never had either one or the other.
When girls want to laugh, they simply ask to unzip their dress. For some reason, the same number with a fly doesn’t work for me...
Humanity is threatened by three evils: the ignorance of priests, the materialism of scientists, the lack of conscience and the excesses of democrats. Pythagoras
Crackless pistachios be damned!
The 7 billionth inhabitant of the Earth was born today in Kaliningrad. His first words were: “Damn! I didn’t want to be here!”
Automatic doors in the building of a serious organization should be configured so as not to open in front of people in jeans and frills.
In mathematics, zero raised to any power is still zero, but in life, any stupidity raised to a power is called public opinion.
What we didn’t receive from our parents, we will definitely get from life. For example, I clearly didn’t get enough pussy. But life fixed everything.
I like people who like me for their good taste.
Any recipe in cookbook must begin with the words “1. Turn off your computer..."
The reason for the huge discrepancies in the number of protesters between the police and the opposition became clear. It's all about measurement formulas - the police count the number of legs and divide by four, as when counting sheep. And the opposition counts the mass of the crowd and divides it by the average weight of the hamster.
Any scientific truth goes through three stages. At first everyone says it goes against the Bible. Then - that all this was discovered a long time ago. And in the end - that everyone believed from the very beginning that it was so.
iPhone 5: the shape of the SIM card is new again, but you still have to get it out with the help of paper clips and curse words.
Hour after hour... there is no strength to leave!
The site windows are flickering like a honeycomb!
God, cut off my internet
I have a lot of work to do...
The best pets are mosquitoes: you don’t need to feed them, and you don’t need to bury them either.
Folk sign. If a girl lets her hair down, there will be laughter. If a girl collects her hair, she will be a bitch.
A brilliant idea from a sociology teacher’s blog: - If your husband left for another, then her husband left for a third, etc. Wait, someone's husband will come to you soon. They must go somewhere!
He walked out of the bar, cheerfully tapping his cufflinks on the asphalt.
If you don't have something, quit your job. This is how I got two computers, a flower in a pot and a wife.
As a child, I dreamed of becoming a grandmother! In our area, only grandmothers were not beaten.
You either come into my life or leave it. But don't stand on the threshold - it's cold.
Instant lottery! Scratch your iPhone 5 with a coin and win a Galaxy S3!
Lennon died, but Yoko lives on!
He had illusions. They got fat and crowded out reality.
Sensation! It turns out that there were much more Zapashny brothers at the beginning of their careers.
An impotent man is like a captured partisan: he would have shot everyone, but the rifle was taken away.
I think you are too arrogant and selfish towards other people.
- Oh my God! What I hear is that shit can talk!
If your girlfriend loves beer, fishing, playing cards, drinks vodka with port wine, masterfully swears and, most importantly, paints her eyelashes with closed mouth, be careful - most likely, this is an ex-man.
I will buy an apartment in good home. Do not offer it near drunks, bandits and the patriarch.
We are all very lucky. If only 10 years ago someone would have mentioned that the president of the country dresses up as a crane, parsley is recognized as a drug, and “Well, just wait!” prohibited by censorship, he would have been immediately sent to a mental hospital.
Dude, she's so cool that she doesn't even fake an orgasm, but parodies it.
“They forgot nothing and learned nothing” - that’s what Talleyrand cast in granite, that’s how he cast it.
Spring has come... railway lines the railway workers swelled...
A woman always has 2 problems - overweight And former men. No matter how hard you try, they still come back :(
In the cinema you have to take meat and throw it at the audience. Imagine a terrible moment and then meat falls into your hands.
Arkady valuable advice
gave so unexpectedly
thank you for what everyone said
you Arkady is a bitch
A secret is something that you have to tell everyone one by one.
To create big problem, you will need nothing and a woman.
We have a doctored sign hanging in our dining room: “Wash your hands before eating!”
How more to a person given, the more strengthened he is in the thought of justice.
Either do it or don't do it. But don't try!
Touch your breasts. Do you see how the papillae have hardened? It's from the cold.
- Petrovich, you're fucked, let's get to work!
Poor children, how can they fight with electronic books during recess...
The President reprimanded three ministers... And even promised to take away the iPad from some of them.
Young men satisfy themselves with their hand, and men with another person.
How to tan beautifully and not disgrace your family?..
If someone has their eye on your loved one, then what? So someone has an extra eye!
You feel as bad as you want it to.
When someone pats you on the head, it’s not praise, but a simple check to see which way it’s twisted.
Childhood is when “sleeping” is a duty, not a luxury.
To maintain a good figure, a woman needs only three things: a trainer, a massager and a boyfriend. Especially the boyfriend: he’s also a simulator and he’s a massager...
I am a girl, quiet, modest. If you offend me, I’ll bury you quietly and modestly celebrate.
How will you meet the end of the world?
- As everybody!
- Well, that’s understandable, but what next?
What happens if I stick my head in the microwave for ten seconds at maximum power?
- If you are able to do this, then it won’t get any worse...
People are divided into two categories, those who have a sense of humor and those who feel that they have a sense of humor.
It's cool to spread rumors to yourself that you have a 7-centimeter penis, and then look at the girl's eyes when you take out an 11-centimeter BOLT.
Am I correct in understanding that Muslims are burning embassies to protest a film that says they are burning embassies?
The title “famous blogger” is something like “famous gopher.” He is known, but mostly only to other gophers.
@yasviridov
God, give me strength, patience, and just in case, money.
Belarusian Facebook instead of the Like and Share buttons shows the “Be patient” and “Be patient with friends” buttons.
Student borscht. Recipe: boiling water, deep red plate.
Vital: if difficult character prevents you from swimming through life and pulls you to the bottom - try to make him dirty.
A luxurious blonde was sitting near the bar with a fourth or maybe even a fifth iPhone.
To the question: “When will you grow up?” I usually answer: “When I grow up, you’ll all be f*cked up.”
The secret to a tidy two-room apartment is that it is a three-room apartment.
Most girls are looking for a guy who makes them laugh and at the same time can protect them. In other words, they need a ninja clown.
One day, the Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand was dying to visit the town of Sarajevo.
Intelligence is the ability to benefit from information.
If you put a smiley face at the end of any phrase, this automatically makes it friendly and prevents you from being offended by it. Yeah, stupid motherfucker? :)
Remember, son, you need to choose a woman who loves to eat, then she will always cook for herself... Well, then you will get something too.
A successful marriage is when there is an opportunity to have a mistress, but there is no desire.
On a crash test new model AvtoVAZ did not reach the wall.
I am entirely for democracy and equality, but sometimes I want someone to quietly enter the bedroom in the morning and so affectionately: “Master, food is served!”
Muslims do not work on Friday, Jews on Saturday, Christians on Sunday. It's strange that no one has ever founded a religion that prohibits working on Monday.
Zombies were gathering in the city: rotting, rotting, decomposing.
Gentlemen! Don't mind mine appearance- under this nondescript appearance hides a wonderful drinking companion.
Civic duty is when the country is fucked up, then they call you, and when you are fucked up, then the country has nothing to do with it.
Want to win a new iPhone 5? ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ Scratch here with a coin.
Interesting scientific fact: if you tell a girl that your hobby is computer games, you can hear her vagina slamming shut.
I don’t like it when people praise me: they always underestimate me.
The first rule of the Babtsovsky Club: tell everyone everything in the Babtsovsky Club.
Trucker and pro*****:
- How much does it cost?
- 50 bucks.
- fuck, why is it so expensive?
- How much would it cost you to do it?
The stomach is smarter than the brain, because the stomach knows how to vomit. The brain swallows any rubbish.
Nadezhda Babkina decided that something needed to be changed in her work and started the round dance in the opposite direction.
Doctors are divided into three categories:
1. A doctor “from God.”
2. Doctor “well, with God!”
3. Doctor “God forbid!”
A child is the most precious confirmation that you had laughter.
Believing porn actresses turn the other cheek at the end of the scene.
I understand that there are programs with an age limit of 16+, 12+, but what does 6+ contain?
- They say there that Santa Claus does not exist.
The funniest desire is the desire to please everyone.
Goethe.
News of culture and sports. Egypt's Minister of Culture and Sports has been shot dead.
The Belarusian Russian Orthodox Church removed the line “... and deliver us from the Evil One” from the “Our Father” prayer as politically incorrect.
A real woman should look so that even the most notorious gay, looking at her, regrets his choice.
I'm a weirdo.
- Why?
- I can’t read the word “scaling” properly.
- Fuck, me too...
Every woman has a problem, who to hate more: their current women former men or former women of their current men.
xxx: What paper can you recommend for this printer?
yyy: Zewa
Yesterday I saw a moose in the forest. Not everything is true, just shit.
I like to live the way I live!
- Sounds like a cry for help.
Using an ATM is like laughing. For some, five minutes is enough, and for others, half an hour is not enough.
Insomnia is not a problem. The problem is when you don't know why you wake up every morning.
Hello, is this the anonymous FSB helpline?
- Yes, Sergei Ivanovich. Speak.
...the aura of the enlightened one takes on a golden-amber color, and if you look closely, inside you can see cockroaches forever frozen in this amber.
The storm covers the sky with darkness
Aim laughter and ay know it!
Darling, forgive me! I came on your face simply because I couldn’t find your breasts!
Dialogue between Daria Dontsova and her daughter:
- Mom, have you seen the remote control?
- I saw it. It was an ordinary sunny day, nothing foreshadowed trouble...
Soon! “It’s time for you to get married!” - from the creators of “it’s time to go to kindergarten”, “get up for school”, “go to university” and “find a job”.
Shock! It really works!
1) wrap your mouth and nose with tape.
2) die.
Gopnik, who will be the first to press iPhone 5, will become the official face of Samsung in Russia.
Your pupils are dilated.
- THIS IS A CAPS.
Thanks to all those who refused to help me. It was thanks to you that I managed to do it myself.
There is only one life and there is no need to waste it on one.
Everything that is done is done in China. Whatever happens happens in America. Whatever happens happens in Russia.
Guys are lonely because many girls are stupid idiots, and girls are lonely because many girls are stupid idiots.
Dear university teachers Russian Federation. Remember, your future depends on your grades! The future of the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation!
Nothing cheers up the office in the morning like a couple of Viagra tablets thrown into the communal coffee pot.
The nephew learned to walk. I’m calling a friend whose son is already 3 years old.
- Lenka, Misha is finally here!
She is so cheerful:
- That's it! You're fucked!
Each country has its own charm. It’s good to live in Europe, to build a career in America, to travel in Africa, and to yearn for Russia.
Criticism is like a carrier pigeon: it always comes back.
Max: today I’m walking down the street and meet a guy in a T-shirt with the inscription “If you want me, smile”
Max: I've never worked so hard to keep a straight face.
A wise woman will definitely say something nice to a man in the morning. And an experienced one will do it too.
If your life is as happy as the cat cried, get yourself another cat.
In life there is always something instead of a feat.
The most laconic comment that came across today amid all this mass hysteria about the release of iPhone 5: IPOH**.
A mysterious woman will ruin anyone's life. And if he doesn’t have time, then the quick-witted one will come and guess.
Summer is like vodka. It seemed like they took a ton of money, but then it was all over.
Sorrel with alcohol is a Russian version of Mojito.
We must learn to be happy with what we have. But aerobatics is to rejoice in what does not exist.
iPhone5: today at exactly 21.00 Moscow time we will give a big boost to what you have been able to easily use in the Samsung GSIII since May 3rd.
This is what I really like about the Russians: tell them that there are 102 days left until the end of the world - they are waiting like a new toy.
“I’ll show you the whole world,” said the hairdresser, cutting off his emo bangs.
The emancipation of our women has brought us to the point that sometimes it seems to me that there are no women at all - they are just such little cunning men.
“Fuck” is like “Raffaello”: instead of a thousand words...
– Is your offer still valid?
- Yes.
“Then I refuse again.”
How to determine where a cat's tail is?
Find your dreams and plans for adult life. Above them is the cat's tail.
Where are you from so good Armenian language You know?
- Our English teacher at school was Armenian.
If there is internet in hell, many will not even notice that they are dead.
To please me, it’s not enough to have great tits, a pretty face and shaved legs. First you need to be female.
Judging by how the end of the world is constantly being postponed, it will begin in Russia.
It seems to me that if you can’t drink beer in your shorts at your workplace, then somewhere in life you took a wrong turn.
"Glamour" is the cattle's idea of beauty.
The inscription (16+) in the program of the “Culture” channel looks like a pathetic attempt to attract a teenage audience.
Many people ask why girls go to the toilet in large groups. So Hermione Granger went to the toilet alone and was attacked by a troll.
year 2013. The owner of a non-ferrous metals collection point sends a cyborg back in time to kill the inventor of wireless transmission of electricity...
Which is correct: Iran or Iraq?
- Google says that both ways are possible.
If Romeo masturbated at least a few times a week, he would save both families a lot of trouble.
I don’t know how it is in China, but personally, my tea ceremony involves searching for a mug throughout the apartment.
The truck driver's father was the first to know that Katya did not enter Moscow State University.
Due to the fact that HTML is no longer numbered, I think new language markup will be called The New HTML.
Why does your car smell so bad?
- And what do you want? 120 horses!
My favorite part in the Bible is when God gives people free will and then kills them with a flood because they don't behave the way he wants them to.
We live in a country where sushi and pizza arrive faster than ambulances and police.
And this is Chelyabinsk - the birthplace of sweet glass wool...
Guys, why do you delete outgoing SMS? In the hope that the wife will not find out about them? Do you think they are unable to dial *111*180*2# and check the backup? Aha-ha-ha... ...how tense everyone was! Joke!
Live, meniiiiiiiii...
When kissing, the saxophonist, out of habit, fingers the girl’s vertebrae.
Fools don't translate. And if they are transferred, then with a promotion.
The conclusion is extremely simple. Do you want to spend the winter in warm countries? Fly after Putin and hum quietly.
Outstanding representatives of humanity, in order to express their opinion with their help and give it greater weight. And it doesn’t matter whether the author’s name is known or whether the aphorism belongs to folk wisdom. They are particularly successful because they help not only to express your attitude towards something, but also to show off your sense of humor.
Men about women
With the advent social networks started on the Internet real battle floors Women are looking for interesting statuses to show their attitude towards the universe and men in particular. And the stronger sex uses funny statements as a weapon to resist this.
Women's funny sayings
The better half of humanity is also great at manipulating aphorisms. With their help, women can both laugh at themselves and point out to men their mistakes.
- Real men don't shy away - they doubt.
- When eagles are silent, parrots chatter.
- It is easy to say “I will die for you” when there is no need for such a sacrifice.
- Women never lie! It’s just that at first they have a girlish memory, and then sclerosis.
- With a good wife, a man can become a man.
- Funny sayings Scary brunettes write about blondes on lonely evenings.
- If fate hits you in the forehead, then the kick in the ass didn’t work.
- It's better to be a young grandmother than an old girl.
- The truth should be presented carefully, like a dish of original cuisine, and not dumped out like fresh fish on Privoz.
- Women's friendship is only a suspension of hostilities.
- It’s not a big deal that there’s wind in your head, but the ideas are always fresh.
- Some men resemble clouds when they go to become lighter.
- My preferences are simple - I am satisfied with the best.
- The only medicine that brings a woman more benefit There's no harm in it - a new dress.
Funny aphorisms and statements on general topics
Pearls of the mighty of this world
It happens that an absurd, funny statement that once escaped from the lips of a politician is remembered more than his entire activity.
- We have enough people who, as they say, are not on friendly terms with their heads.
- As they say, touch with your own eyes and see with your own hands.
- I approached people from your Cabinet of Ministers and asked what their specialty was. It turned out that somewhere a gynecologist works, somewhere a plumber works. (V. Yanukovych).
- Condoleezza Rice is the same ordinary girl from Texas, like me.
- As a child, I dreamed of becoming an astronaut, but I had to study a lot, so I became president.
- Only we, the great American people, could send a lunar rover to Mars! (George W. Bush).
Women are such touching creatures, you could touch them and touch them.
Whoever gets up early... is the one who annoys everyone, slams doors, rattles the kettle and walks like an elephant!
The person who figures out how to get his ass in the face via the Internet will earn billions!!!
Since I don’t have much time, I’ll briefly explain with obscenities.
Every girl has the gift of putting more into her bag than is possible according to the laws of physics.
Marital status: have a cat.
I don’t know who I want, who I don’t want.
In our house, dad decides everything!!! And who our dad is - mom decides!
In Russia, every Friday is Halloween. The men are drunk as hell, and the women are waiting for them at home, angry as witches.
The diet that works 100% is called "Don't put food in your mouth."
Old age is when you buy a bag of popcorn for the fiber, and not for the surprise that lies inside...
Yesterday I went to bed at 21:30... From such happiness I couldn’t fall asleep until 3 o’clock...
I look at the world blue eyes through rose-colored glasses, so everything looks purple to me.
A very cheerful old age awaits us. Imagine: how many old women with tattoos on their backs will be around!
Do you think onions are the only vegetable that makes you cry? Didn’t you get a melon in the face?
I collected some money and wanted to buy a dacha near Mytishchi. Not enough. I had to take a villa in Spain.
My conscience does not torment me, it has a share and receives a percentage of every dirty trick I do.
My life is so sad... But it’s okay, but the salary is ridiculous...
Unpredictability is the most important trump card of women, with which they easily beat any pathetic card of male logic!!!
I don't suffer from delusions of grandeur. This is not typical for us princesses.
Why is it that when there are two girls on avatars, the owner of the avatar always turns out to be the ugly one?
The wind, which accidentally picked up the letters, delivered them faster than the Russian Post.
I'm already so old that this year I plan to buy fashionable jacket, but warm.
I keep dreaming of making myself a T-shirt with the words “I’m schizophrenic” on the front and “me too” on the back.
Smile: It makes people wonder what's on your mind.
Dreaming of fluttering like a spectacular butterfly into the Antalya heat, I lie like a larva on the sofa and quietly eat sausage...
If you are wrong and silent, you are wise, if you are right and silent, you are married.
I'm not completely useless, I can be a bad example.
When you start throwing away junk, the main thing is not to start looking at it!!!
If God were a woman, there would be only one commandment: Do not piss me off.
If you find yourself in an idiotic position, behave simply and naturally, like a real idiot.
None good story does not begin with the words: “Once we were eating salad with friends...”
So, they say: “You’re strange... You came, did a mischief, and left!!!” It's not weird! It would be strange to come, do some mischief and stay...
It’s easier to give than to explain why you won’t give.
Anyone who gets up early is already tired by twelve.
To avoid getting sick, try not to eat after six and not smoke near a gas station.
I bought gifts for the New Year... two radio-controlled cars so that my husband and child wouldn’t fight...
In life you need to be unpredictable and insidious, like a cucumber with a bitter ass.
Only Russian man looking at beautiful picture, can swear with admiration.
It's good to be blonde - every day there are new discoveries.
After the fifth glass, she realized that he was waiting for her call!
A very greedy girl went to throw out the trash and returned with two bags.
He who does not take risks does not drink champagne... and does not listen to Mendelssohn.
Sometimes I say I don't know. I know, but I'm too lazy to explain.
Sometimes alarm clocks help you wake up. But most often they interfere with sleep.
