Funny quotes about life. Aphorisms and quotes about humor

Outstanding representatives of humanity, in order to express their opinion with their help and give it greater weight. And it doesn’t matter whether the author’s name is known or whether the aphorism belongs to folk wisdom. They are particularly successful because they help not only to express your attitude towards something, but also to show off your sense of humor.

Men about women

With the advent of social networks on the Internet, real battle floors Women are looking for interesting statuses to show their attitude towards the universe and men in particular. And the stronger sex uses funny statements as a weapon to resist this.

Women's funny sayings

The better half of humanity is also great at manipulating aphorisms. With their help, women can both laugh at themselves and point out to men their mistakes.

Real men don't shy away - they doubt.
When eagles are silent, parrots chatter.
It is easy to say “I will die for you” when there is no need for such a sacrifice.
Women never lie! It’s just that at first they have a girlish memory, and then sclerosis.
With a good wife, a man can become a man.
Funny sayings about blondes are written by scary brunettes on lonely evenings.
If fate hits you in the forehead, then the kick in the ass didn’t work.
It's better to be a young grandmother than an old girl.
The truth should be presented carefully, like a dish of original cuisine, and not dumped out like fresh fish on Privoz.
Women's friendship is only a suspension of hostilities.
It’s not a big deal that there’s wind in your head, but the ideas are always fresh.
Some men resemble clouds when they go to become lighter.
My preferences are simple - I am satisfied with the best.
The only medicine that brings a woman more benefit There's no harm in it - a new dress.

Funny aphorisms and statements on general topics

Pearls of the mighty of this world

It happens that an absurd, funny statement that once escaped from the lips of a politician is remembered more than his entire activity.

We have enough people who, as they say, are not on friendly terms with their heads.
As they say, touch with your own eyes and see with your own hands.
I approached people from your Cabinet of Ministers and asked what their specialty was. It turned out that somewhere a gynecologist works, somewhere a plumber works. (V. Yanukovych).

Condoleezza Rice is the same ordinary girl from Texas, like me.
As a child, I dreamed of becoming an astronaut, but I had to study a lot, so I became president.
Only we, the great American people, could send a lunar rover to Mars! (George W. Bush).

A person lives best in those moments when he does not know that he can live better.
Anthony Kiedis

Only very few people live for today. Most are preparing to live later.
Jonathan Swift

True Courage is to love life, knowing the whole truth about it.
Sergey Dovlatov

Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
John Lennon

Life methodically survives us from all ages.
Valery Afonchenko

Life with a wife is not easy, but life without her is completely impossible.
Cato the Elder

Our life position often turns out to be incompatible with life.
Stas Yankovsky

If you inflate your joys to the size of troubles, then you can also derive pleasure from them.
Mikhail Zhvanetsky

Time - best teacher, unfortunately, killing his students.
Mark Twain

It is necessary to learn from other people's mistakes. It is impossible to live long enough to accomplish them all on your own.
Hyman George Rickover

It’s probably impossible to live without a good sense of humor in life. As one aphorism says, it is humor that can make the unbearable bearable, which, in principle, is a good help in everyday life. Therefore, in almost any life situations, ironic phrases and funny statements about life help you look at your situation from a new angle - the angle of humor.

Pay no attention to minor flaws; remember: you also have large ones.
Benjamin Franklin

Don't be afraid of big expenses, be afraid of small incomes.
John Rockefeller

Forgive your enemies - this The best way piss them off.
Oscar Wilde

Just because you're alone doesn't mean you're crazy.
Stephen King

There is a test to determine whether your mission on earth is completed or not. If you're still alive, it means it's not finished.
Richard Bach

A successful person is one who is able to build a strong foundation from the stones that others throw at him.
David Brinkley

A vital ingredient to success is not knowing that what you set out to do cannot be accomplished.
Terence Pratchett

A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity, while an optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.
Winston Churchill

Everyone wants to change humanity, but no one thinks about how to change themselves.
Lev Tolstoy

If a problem can be solved with money, then it is not a problem. It's just an expense.
Henry Ford

If you take everything too seriously, you will be afraid to do every new step. Relax and laugh, especially when things go as planned, read funny sayings about life. People with good feeling humor makes life easier.

Money doesn't buy happiness, but it makes it much more pleasant to be unhappy.
Claire Booth Loos

Anything that is not enjoyable is called work.
Bertolt Brecht

A correct decision made late is a mistake.
Lee Iacocca

Live as if this day is your last, and one day it will be so. And you will be fully armed.
George Carlin

History teaches us, at the very least, that things can always be worse.
Neil Gaiman

Try to get what you love, otherwise you will have to love what you got.
Bernard Show

You can't have everything. Where would you put all this?
Stephen Wright

Life is a cross-country race in which everyone strives to get ahead in order to reach the finish line last.
Vladimir Khochinsky

Life is a circus where everyone dreams of becoming a director or artist, but most become trained animals.
Stas Yankovsky

If you want your life to become brighter, stop darkening it.
Anatoly Rakhmatov

Of course, humor is a subjective thing. You may like it or not. But we tried to collect only the best funny sayings about life that will appeal to everyone.

Don't complain about life - even this might not have happened.

If you want to do something stupid, hurry up, otherwise they will get ahead of you!

Everyone is so afraid of becoming nobody in this life that they become just anyone.

When life tests you, your nerves are the first to give out.

You need to live in such a way that others experience depression.

Years will pass... And I was right: years have passed!

Nothing in life is more exhilarating than being shot at and missing.

Where we are not, it is good precisely because we are not there.

I just lay down and they’re already stabbing me to death!

Anything happens in life, but over the years it becomes less and less common.

No one has ever died from laughing. And no one grew old laughing. They say there are no old quotes, but only old people who love to retell them... So humor about life is forever young. Or even immortal.

Sometimes happiness falls so unexpectedly that you don’t have time to jump to the side.

Everything goes well. Just passing...

While I measured it seven times, others were cut off.

Happiness is when your desires are shocked by your capabilities.

Well, where we do not. It’s bad that we are not where it’s good.

It's better to be hungry than cold.

The best way out is in.

Try to die as young as possible, as late as possible!

Don't go with the flow. Don't swim against the current. Sail where you need to go!

Direct your thoughts where they should, otherwise they will direct you where they should not.

Faith in the best and a sense of humor perfectly help to cope with any troubles in life. And sometimes the word helps much more than anything else. A funny phrase can charge you with such a portion of positivity that you can move mountains.

If no one envy you, ask yourself, are you living right?

Life is given once. I couldn't stand it again.

How much has not been done in this life! How much remains to be done...

There is always room in life for not giving a fuck!

Respect old age, it is your future.

A person's life is counted in moments that he wants to stop.

Human relationships are sometimes so complex that we replace them with other, simpler ones.

Life is not as simple as you think... It is simpler...

Sometimes it’s only when you miss that you realize how you got there.

The salt of life is that it is not sugar.

A sense of humor is a kind of “Esperanto”, a universal code of communication for all people and nations. Therefore, funny statements will be understandable to everyone. So these quotes can be safely shared in in social networks, like statuses. After all, it is humor that fills our lives with joyful, life-affirming, optimistically encouraging laughter!

The duty of a jester is not only to joke, but also to tell the truth.
Ilya Brazhnin

Buffoonery is the secret chastity of truth.
Fazil Iskander

Humor is the court jester in times when truth does not ring like bells.
K. Ludwig Berne

The witty is paradoxical, the paradoxical is witty: both represent some kind of truth that does not fit into words, logic or accepted ideas and made itself felt too unexpectedly.
Alexander Kruglov

A joke or a mocking word is often more successful and better defines even important things than a serious and deep study.
Horace

Without the funny, it is impossible to understand the serious, and in general the opposite can be understood with the help of the opposite.
Plato

The highest wisdom is when philosophizing, not to appear to be philosophizing and to achieve a serious goal with a joke.
Plutarch

Wit is an outlet for feelings of hostility that cannot be satisfied in any other way.
Sigmund Freud

A joke makes it possible to satisfy the lustful or hostile instinct, despite the obstacle in its path.
Sigmund Freud

A joke allows us to use something funny in our enemy that we could not, due to some obstacles, express openly or consciously. A joke will bribe the listener with the lure of pleasure so that he, without delving into the problem, will accept our point of view.
Sigmund Freud

Humor does not submit to fate, it is stubborn and marks not only the triumph of the Self, but also the triumph of the principle of pleasure, which is capable of establishing itself here despite the unfavorable circumstances of reality.
Sigmund Freud

The comedian achieves superiority because he enters into the role of an adult, to some extent, as it were, identified with the father and mistakes other people for children.
Sigmund Freud

Great thoughts are often the most smiling.
Jean Guyot

The funniest thing is just a slight exaggeration of the serious things that surround us in real life.
Charles Chaplin

If sexual relations provide the easiest material for jokes, always at hand, ready and accessible even to weak wit, as the abundance of obscenities shows, then this is explained by the fact that they are based on something deeply serious.
Arthur Schopenhauer

Laughter is the only test of the serious, and seriousness is the only test of the funny. A subject is suspicious that cannot stand ridicule, and a joke is false that does not stand the test of seriousness.
Gorgias

Arthur Schopenhauer

There is no separate laughter culture, because there is no culture without laughter, and there is no laughter without tears.
Vladimir Mikushevich

All serious humor begins with the fact that you stop taking your own person seriously.
Hermann Hesse

A comedian is a person who feels the disharmony of the world.
Karl Hammaren

From good humor always a sad laugh.
Glushkov

The comic quickly becomes mournful if it is human.
Anatole France

The tragic is just as funny as the comic.
Fedor Dostoevsky

If a joke is hidden behind something serious, this is irony; if serious for a joke - humor.
Arthur Schopenhauer

Humor is the ability to see three sides of the same coin.
Ned Rorem

Humor is truth in life-safe doses.

Humor is as personal as sex.
Gene Shepherd

Humor climbs around a tree like ivy. Without a trunk it is no good.
Heinrich Heine

A person who is not at least partly humorous is only partly human.
Gilbert Chesterton

Everything human is sad. The hidden source of humor is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
Mark Twain

Humor is a very rare metal.
Ilya Ilf and Evgeny Petrov

Humor, of course, restores what pathos destroys, but when there is a lot of it, it itself begins to destroy. And chronic humor creates cynicism, which is very convenient to live with, because a person underestimates everything. He puts a low price on everything.
Victoria Tokareva

Cynicism is humor in a bad mood.
Herbert George Wells

Only bars separate humor from the insane asylum.
Heinrich Heine

There is no black humor because there is no white humor.
Mose

If a person has no sense of humor, he should at least have the feeling that he has no sense of humor.

If a person lacks a sense of humor, then there was a reason for it.
Danil Rudy

As women age, they rely more and more on cosmetics, and men on their sense of humor.
George Gene Nathan

I trade my sense of humor for a reason to laugh.

Everything must be taken seriously when humor fails.
S. Butler

A sense of humor is a great thing. Going through life without a sense of humor is as absurd as riding in a carriage without springs.
G. Beecher

Humor is the seriousness hidden behind a joke.
D. Weiss

Enough sometimes little joke to bring down great arrogance.
L. Vauvenargues

Humor is one of the elements of genius, but when it prevails, it loses its quality and becomes a surrogate.
I. Goethe

Don't lose your sense of humor. Humor is to a person what fragrance is to a rose.
D. Galsworthy

A sense of humor is a sense of proportionality.
D. Gibran

Arousing compassion for the ridiculed and self-worthless beauty is the secret of humor.
F. Dostoevsky

Humor is the wit of deep feeling.
F. Dostoevsky

Where jokes end, humor begins.
Werner Fink

Humor is a weapon for the unarmed.
Alberto Moravia

Humor is the smile of a person who knows how little reason there is to laugh.
Julien de Falkenare

Arousing compassion for the ridiculed and self-conscious beauty is the secret of humor.
Fedor Dostoevsky

Humor is a sense of distance.
Bertolt Brecht

Humor activates the mechanism of thought.
Mark Twain

There is a humor of ideas, a combination of thoughts that have never before met each other in the human head, a civil marriage between jokes and wisdom.
Heinrich Heine

A comedian makes you laugh. A comedian makes you think and then laugh.
George Burns

Humor is mostly a man's business.
Karel Capek

A funny phrase must be cherished, groomed, affectionately stroking the subject.
Ilya Ilf

There are three rules for writing funny things, but, unfortunately, no one knows which ones.
From the book “Quotes from Peter” (1977)

Humorist; a person who juggles himself.
Ramon Gomez de la Serna

Comedians always sit at the children's table.
Woody Allen

God is a comedian. If you don't believe me, look at yourself in the mirror.
Ken Olson

Among those who love humor, there are also those who understand it.
Alexander Furstenberg

Differences in the sense of humor are the cause of considerable difficulties in love.
George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans)

Difference between English humor and American humor - $150 per minute.
Eric Idle

There is little feeling and even less humor in the sense of humor of a prankster.

A prankster is a person whose sense of humor has crowded out all other feelings.

The only way to make some people laugh is to slip on ice and fall.
Edgar Howe

Humor is the talent to spontaneously put one in a good mood.
I. Kant

Only those who combine sophistication and ease with a rich imagination can joke gracefully and talk entertainingly about trifles: sprinkling funny witticisms means creating something out of nothing, that is, creating.
J. Labruyère

Humor is good-natured contemplation and artistic image the absurdities of life.
S. Leacock

Having a sense of humor, you find pleasure in whims human nature.
S. Maugham

I have no innate faith in people. I am inclined to expect more bad than good from them. This is the yen you have to pay for a sense of humor. Having a sense of humor, you find pleasure in the vagaries of human nature; you don’t trust noble declarations too much, always looking for the unworthy motives that are hidden behind them; the discrepancy between appearance and reality entertains and, where it cannot be found, tempts us to create it.
S. Maugham

A comedian will immediately spot a charlatan, but not always recognize a saint. But if a one-sided view of people is an expensive price to pay for a sense of humor, there is also a valuable side to it. When you laugh at people, you don't get angry with them. Humor teaches tolerance, and a humorist - sometimes with a smile, sometimes with a sigh - would rather shrug his shoulders than judge. He does not read morals, it is enough for him to understand; But it’s not without reason that it is said that to understand means to regret and forgive.
S. Maugham

From the great to the ridiculous - one step.
Napoleon I

Only stupid people live without humor.
M. Prishvin

Humor is a lifeline on the waves of life.
V. Raabe

If humor only caused laughter, then you could hardly show more interest to humor writers, what do you show to privacy clown The comedian strives to awaken and direct in the right direction your feelings of love, pity, condescension, your aversion to lies, deception, false prestige, your tenderness for the weak, disadvantaged, oppressed, and unfortunate. To the best of his ability and ability, he comments on the most everyday and ordinary actions and feelings of people. In other words, he takes on the duties of a weekday preacher.
W. Thackeray

There is no place for jokes in the insensitive mind.
W. Shakespeare

When a joker laughs at his own joke, it loses its value.
F. Schiller

It is the funny habits of people that make life enjoyable and bind society together.
Erasmus of Rotterdam

) Promises we don't keep.

1st. don't eat after six
Or don’t eat flour and don’t drink coffee. In general, give up everything harmful and the most delicious. You will break this promise at the first party because tasty food- this is the easiest way to cheer yourself up. What now - to vegetate in sadness for the best years?

2nd: don’t call first
And not to make dates, but to provide him with every opportunity for heroism. However modern boys Although they are beautiful, they are so busy with their career and their own appearance in the eyes of others that they have not understood hints for a long time. So we have to not just hint, but state in plain text - call and move closer. If girls had not sometimes broken this promise, perhaps hundreds of happy romances would not have developed.

3rd. don’t be jealous
Because the girls on the pages of glossy magazines have longer nails and shorter outfits. My friend has more fans, and the neighbors have a palm tree up to the ceiling. However, envy is the first incentive for self-improvement. It is thanks to our more fortunate friends that we sign up for English courses and go in for sports. So that later it would be envious not for us, but for them.

4th. don’t preen yourself
Or rather, don’t stand in front of the mirror for hours. Because it does more harm than good. And don’t squeeze pimples, because this doubles their number. But we believe in miracles. And we still strongly advise all our friends not to do this.

5th. don't waste money
For meaningless things that we don’t need, like another green mascara when we went to the store for eye shadow. But that doesn’t happen.

6th. don’t believe promises
Exclusively male. You yourself know that it is impossible to get a star from the sky and there are still many millions of beautiful girls in the world. But you always fall into the same trap. But this time, of course, is the last.

7th. don’t be like your mother
We dream that our mothers and I will be accepted as friends, and therefore as independent individuals. You were always surprised that she couldn’t sleep peacefully until she had washed all the dishes. And now you yourself have become a kitchen pedant and do the same hairstyle as hers, because curls suit your eye color better. You began to be proud that your mother is yours best friend and you have a lot to learn from her.

8th. don't wear funny underwear
We promise ourselves to wear only lace underwear, and then we find cotton panties with teddy bears in the store. We'll buy it secretly, wear it accidentally, and then be exposed. But in the end, you shouldn’t buy such beauty just to put it in the closet?

9th. don’t think badly of people
You don't even think. Almost never. But sometimes they behave so badly that you just can’t help yourself. The art of noticing other people's shortcomings is not so useless if you draw the right conclusions from this for your future.

10th. don’t fantasize
Do not invent fairy tales and do not wishful thinking. But in order to achieve your goal, you first need to imagine it very well. What is this then, if not fantasy?

11th. don't fall in love
At first glance at the first person you meet. Bad guys, geniuses, photographers or musicians. Only next to such young men will you feel like a muse. Only such people will disappear without saying goodbye. And then for a long time you will believe that to be happy you need an ordinary middle manager. And sitting next to him, you will secretly look at the young man with an easel or a camera on his shoulder.

12th. don't grow up
You and your friends vow to always go to the movies on Fridays, never give up your piercings, and never lose your sense of humor. But after a year you start wearing business suits, spending Fridays with your boyfriends and joking not only cheerfully, but very witty. In adult life has its charms, and we should not miss them.

13th. don’t forget anything
And don’t put off important things until later. Because, in the end, you will have to do them at the most inopportune moment. But all creative girls know that a clearly planned schedule will never be implemented, and problems are best solved as they arise.

14th. don't cry
Especially with young men, because you maintain the image of a strong person. Even when the bravest hero dies in the film. Or when the teacher failed you in the exam, and the young man did not appreciate your new hairstyle. But we living people, and This is precisely why they love us.

15th. don't waste time
People who manage their time correctly have diaries written down to the minute. Do you really also want meetings with your boyfriend and girlfriends to be listed in the “non-urgent” column?

16th: don't make promises
To no one ever. Why upset your boyfriend and girlfriends by not following through? It’s better to just not make promises to yourself and immediately come to terms with the fact that you won’t even be able to do this.

It is impossible to imagine our life without laughter and smiles, without humor and fun. Therefore, from time to time, each of us needs to step away from everyday worries, relax and have at least a little fun. Cool phrases and funny sayings are a sure and wonderful way to quickly raise Have a good mood. Cool phrases and statuses are very popular because they describe exciting moments in the lives of many people in a humorous way. They will help you amaze your interlocutors with your wit, as well as amuse your friends, colleagues, bored company or guests. holiday party. Cool expressions They can also be useful to “defuse” tense situations or in awkward situations when you need to correct your mistake.
There are many wonderful funny phrases and expressions. I tried to select the best, coolest “phrases” that, in my opinion, deserve most attention. Read, and let no one be left without a smile!

My character, of course, is not sugar, but I was not created to be added to tea!
If I ever die because of a man, it will be from laughing.
I'm neither good nor bad. I am kind with an evil stripe!
I only have one life and I can't afford to be unhappy!
I thought I was special, but it turned out I was better than everyone else...
It’s not enough to know your worth—you also need to be in demand.
What it is, you can’t put it back!!!
So what if the wind is in my head, but my thoughts are always fresh...
Where have you seen a cat that cares what mice say about it?
If you spit in my back, it means I'm ahead of you!
Don't tell me what to do and I won't tell you where to go!
If you want me to be an angel, organize heaven for me!
My life my rules. If you don't like my rules, don't interfere in my life.
Not noticed in vicious relationships... Wasn’t it? No... Not noticed!
You need to live in such a way that others experience depression!
When will they learn to conduct light in ladies' handbag?! I really need it!!!
We are strong women: we will take out the trash and brains if necessary!
I'm losing weight on three diets! (I can’t get enough of two...)
He eats - I cook, he wears - I wash, he scatters - I clean. And what would I do without him...
Women's folk pastime: I came up with it myself, I was offended myself.
I’m like champagne: I can be playful, but I can also hit you in the head...
That's how I want to be weak woman, but, as luck would have it, the horses are galloping, the huts are burning...
Sometimes my husband shudders from me... Still, I am an amazing woman!!!
The girls are standing on the sidelines, fiddling with handkerchiefs in their hands... Because for every ten girls, according to statistics: 1 is gay, 4 are alcoholics, 2 are divorced, 2 are drug addicts and 1 is normal, but he is married...
What is the difference between fake love and real love? Fake: “I like the snowflakes on your hair!” The real one: “Fool, why without a hat?”
If a woman has sparkles in her eyes, it means the cockroaches in her head are celebrating something.
- How to drive a girl crazy?
- Give her a lot of money and close all the stores!
Men, let's do the laundry, clean, cook, iron... and we want you!
I really want to snuggle up to someone, put my lips to my ear and whisper...: “Give me money!”
Sometimes I open my closet, look at it for a long time and realize that I’m keeping two-thirds of my clothes in case I go crazy.
Classical women's wardrobe: Nothing to wear. There is nowhere to hang it. It would be a pity to throw it away... And there is also a section “Suddenly I’ll lose weight”...
You need to smile so widely that problems stumble over your smile!
An optimist is a person who, even having fallen face first into the mud, is sure that it is healing!
Girls, who wanted to lose weight by spring?.. It’s too late to rush around, let’s take it with charm!
This morning, while I was putting on makeup, I fainted 5 times from my beauty...
Previously, I lived alone and all my things were lying haphazardly in their places, but now I’m married and all my things are neatly and beautifully lying in an unknown place...
I want fate to take me by the hair and head straight into happiness, happiness, happiness.
A woman should be loved, happy, beautiful! And she doesn’t owe anyone anything anymore!!!
The smartest plant is the horseradish: it knows everything...
Now I live only by this principle: whoever wants it will come, whoever needs it will call, whoever is bored will find it! And who cares, those don’t care!
All men are bastards! They all only need one thing! But why, why not from me-me-me?!
I would send you, but I can see you from there!
Women are not interested in wimps only if those wimps are men.
If you think that life is wonderful, then the antidepressants are chosen correctly.
If there are nails on the feet, then there should be hands on the hands, and animals generally have bast shoes!
There is nothing better in the world than creaking your bed until dawn!
Judging by the way life fucks me, I'm sexy as fuck!
The robbers demand your purse or your life, the women demand both.
Never do evil out of spite! Nasty things must come from the heart!
How smarter woman, the more refined and varied she blows her man away!
Any dirty trick can be put to proper use if there is a desire...
Queens are never upset. When they are sad, they simply execute someone...
The weaker sex is stronger than the stronger sex due to the weakness of the stronger sex towards the weaker.
Long live split personality - the shortest path to mental balance!
Our spring is late, our summer is delayed... And autumn, the bastard, is punctual!
I’m a woman—evil comes as standard!
Don't you want to be nice? - Let's remove the Vaseline!
I am a creative woman. I want - I create, I want - I create...
With a teaspoon in my pocket, with a bald cactus in my hand, I’m going to scare the old woman who lives in the attic, I’ll poke him with a spoon, I’ll order him to sit on the cactus... I’m a bit of a fool - I have a certificate!..
Vasilisa was a magician... If she waves her right sleeve - a lake... If she waves her left sleeve - swans... She waves another 200 grams - and the hallucinations are more complicated...
Happiness is when you have a doctor, a cop, a lawyer and a killer among your friends. Immediately life becomes somehow easier...
There are people who are like a drug—you know you can’t, but you’re drawn to it. And there are people like cake - sweet, tasty, but sick...
I want to be like a bear: to eat in the summer and hibernate in the winter. And I lost weight, and slept well, and didn’t see frost!
Santa Claus, whole year I behaved well...and now can I kill someone???
Caught goldfish. She listened to me very carefully and said: “Fry!”
And they carry me away, and carry me away, into the colored ringing crap, three white horses, two red elephants, a penguin, a hippopotamus and a deer.
What doesn’t kill us, we regret it very much later.
I am the air. Don't try to hold it back. Breathe while I let myself breathe...
My beloved told me: “You are evil in the flesh!” Well, I'll implement it. I'm very obedient. And if for some reason he needs it, then how can I ignore the request!
I’m a very good cook... I can cook noodles... Brew porridge... Add oil... In general, I’m a clever wizard.
"Baby, I love you!" - excellent status! And all the suns are pleasant, and you won’t get burned...
- You need to treat a girl carefully, like a Christmas tree.
— Knock it out and take it home?
— Strangers make comments to my child! How to react?
— Teach your child the magic spell: “My mother teaches me that not every value judgment should serve as a behavior modifier.” When pronounced with clear diction and confident, benevolent intonation, it acts similarly to the spell: “Petrify!” And more reliably. Although not for long. But without dangerous side effects.
You begin to understand that everything is really bad when the person who usually calms everyone down cries...
As my grandmother used to say, it’s better to shoot, reload and shoot again than to shine a flashlight and ask “who’s there?”
In any situation, say “everything is going according to plan” - you never know what kind of fucking plan you have.
Sometimes it becomes so cool that something that was once so important has become so irrelevant...
And I will leave without noticing any offense.
Chewing a chocolate candy.
And may the evil horse love you,
And not a sunshine like me.
“Darling, is it true that I’m your only one?”
- Have you all come to an agreement today, or what!?
A woman, like fire, should not be left unattended. Either it will go out, or it will burn everything to hell!!!
Alcohol does not help you find the answer, it helps you forget the question...
Darling, you insist so much on our relationship with you... I don’t understand, you have nervous system made of reinforced concrete or lifelong reservation in a madhouse?
Sometimes you think: this is happiness! But no, damn it, experience again...
You drown a person, and it seems so sad, but then bubbles appear, so good, and your heart rejoices.
It’s easy to understand women’s logic; just learn how to play billiards with cubes.
You only need to sort things out with those with whom you have these relationships. The rest - why don't they go to the shore of silence, collect shells...
Happiness is when the previous shit has already ended, and the next one has not yet begun.
Cockroaches in the head are still normal. The problem is when the squirrel starts chasing them out...
A black cat crossing your path means that the animal is going somewhere. Don't complicate things!..
You need to return to the woman as quickly as possible. So quickly that she doesn’t have time to understand that she’s fine without you.
If you love it, set it free. If he doesn't come back, track him down and kill him.
There are a lot of other people's nerves in the world - there's no point in worrying about your own!
I bought cockroach chalk! Now it’s quiet and calm in my head... they sit, draw...
You'll send someone rashly. And in your soul you worry: did you get there?... didn’t you get there?...
- Who are you?
— Kind fairy!
- Why with an axe?
- Yes, the mood is not very good...
She got up on the wrong foot, sat on the wrong broom and generally flew in the wrong direction...
Give me wings, otherwise the broom will leave splinters all over my ass!
In general, I love raspberry pies. Of course, they don’t reciprocate, but they don’t behave like bastards either!
— What will you order?
- I, please, have nerves, intelligence, calmness and s*zma... Yes, more s*zma, please.
Don't be a cheapskate - give the person a second chance. Don't be an idiot - never give a third.
Nerves are in shock, brains are in a trance, and logic has completely gone and shot itself.
If my mother taught me to be cultured, this does not mean that I will not kick you in the eye, as my father taught me!
A realist is someone who doesn't care whether the glass is half full or half empty. For him, what's in the glass is more important.
No matter what the rake teaches, the heart believes in miracles...
It's amazing how much some people enjoy romantic walks along the rake.
If you constantly step on the same rake, then it’s a fucking rake!
Smile more often - and the thicket will smile at you!
Yes, I'm not an angel, but flying on a broom is faster.
Everyone thinks that every girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. No matter how it is! Our dream is to eat and not gain weight!
All women are angels, but if you cut their wings, they start flying on a broom.
A man should be able to do two things: set fire to huts and scare horses, so that his woman has something to do and not blow his brains out.
...and yet it is IMPORTANT that the butterflies in the stomach come to an agreement with the cockroaches in the head!
Yesterday, it seemed, I had gained my wits... Today I woke up - but no, I just gained my wits...
I don’t promise to lead you to sin, but I will…
There’s no need to offend me, I’m a vulnerable girl, the first thing brings me to tears... And then teary eyes it’s so difficult to understand who the shovel hit...
This morning they showed such horrors in the mirror...
I don't drink flowers or sweets!
- Girl, why haven’t we met yet?
- God will take care of you, stupid creature...
I have no excess weight. I have it as a spare.
Female philologist: bright multiple sarcasms on the first date.
While men, being boys, play war games and cars, women, being girls, immediately prepare to manipulate people and play with dolls.
It’s better to be a beloved mischief than to be a perfection that no one needs.
Listen to the voice of reason... Do you hear? Do you hear what crap he is talking about?!
For a woman to go to bed with a man, she needs a feeling of closeness, trust and a strong connection. A man's place is mainly...
Squirrels eat snow. What are you doing to make winter end?
People who helped spring and ate snow, why did you also eat asphalt?
A glassblower accidentally sneezed at work and created new vase for the Ikea store.
If things don't go the way you want, it's not your business, let them pass by.
Don't know how to relieve stress? Don't wear it!!!
It is incorrect to say “the toad is strangling.” It should be like this: “amphibiotropic asphyxia happened to me”
Koala macaque dipped in cocoa. The koala lazily lapped cocoa...
Squirrels in gaiters poke around cedar kernels in the depths of the tundra. In the depths of the tundra, otters in gaiters are digging for cedar kernels in buckets! Having torn out the gaiters from an otter in the tundra, wipe the cedar kernels with the otter, wipe the otter's face with the gaiters - the kernels into buckets, the otter into the tundra.
Having washed the leg warmers in the swamp, put the kernels in buckets, the otters and the squirrels in an embrace quietly finished the jar... While finishing the moonshine, the otters danced a jig, the squirrels tried on the leg warmers, muttering that they had seen a worse holiday in the tundra.
I speak English with only a dictionary, but I’m still shy with people...
When sliding under the table, do not forget to politely say goodbye to your guests.
There is a genius sleeping within each of us. And every day it gets stronger and stronger...
I don’t know what you’re taking for your head, but it’s clearly not helping you!
Sorry, I'm saying when you interrupt…
A beautiful woman pleases the male gaze, an ugly woman pleases the female gaze!
There are no perpetual motion machines in the world, but there are plenty of perpetual brakes!
Take care of your Motherland! Vacation abroad!
I am constantly haunted by smart thoughts, but I find myself faster...
Everyone is spoiled to the best of their ability.
If a gentleman says to a lady, “I understand you perfectly,” he means, “You talk twice as much as you need to”!
If you leave your husband correctly, he will definitely return... like a boomerang.
If you want to bring a person to sclerosis, give him a loan.
Looking at how some accumulate good, others begin to accumulate evil.
There are so many interesting things in this life and so few people are interested.
If you want to marry a smart, beautiful and rich woman, marry three times.
Sclerosis cannot be cured, but you can forget about it.
If you cannot be a star in the sky, at least become a lamp in the house.
A man, even if he could understand what a woman was thinking, would still not believe it.
The best way to organize a panic is to ask everyone to remain calm.
Everyone wants to have a good time, but you won't have one.
Tell me I'm wrong and I'll tell you who you are.
What a pity that you are finally leaving!..
Lost conscience. I ask the finder not to worry and keep it for himself.