Children's New Year jokes for KVN. KVN New Year and holiday jokes
Teacher: Ryabenko Liliya VladimirovnaNew Year's scenario for high school
Goals : develop your horizons and Creative skills students; promote team unity.
Progress of the event
Leading (wearing a snowflake costume and big white sneakers)I. Good evening! Today teams of cheerful and resourceful people are competing (represents the teams). And a full hall of fans suggests that in auditorium- a general epidemic. Everyone will get sick!
Presenter (wearing a snowman costume and white high heels). Not everyone still knows that our KVN is not an ordinary one, but a New Year’s, one might say KVN-masquerade! You will find not only fireworks of New Year's jokes, but also unusual, cool carnival costumes.
Leading . So here we go! But first of all, let me introduce the members of the jury... (introduces the jury). Information for fans: while the jury is deliberating, you can show your support for your favorite team: posters, chants, chants, songs... So you can help the team earn extra points (maximum 3 points). Stay healthy!
Presenter . Stop, stop! We can’t start the game because we don’t have a Christmas tree. How are we going to invite Santa Claus? I invite the teams to work hard - decorate the Christmas tree.
II. Game tasks teams
Presenter: - We invite you to participate in the “Christmas Tree Decoration” Competition
We need three people per team, one of them is a girl. Girls turn into Christmas trees. And the boys dress up the girls with scarves and Christmas decorations on clothespins. Fans are invited to evaluate the teams' performance with loud applause. The winner is the team whose “Christmas tree” received the loudest approval and was liked the most by the jury!
Host: so the first part of our KVN “Greeting”
The teams show a business card - New Year's greeting. Any sketch on New Year's theme. The maximum score in this competition is 5 points.
Song of KVN players
We studied at school and didn’t know grief,
But they invited us to play in KVN.
Lessons are forgotten and books are thrown away,
Now we are not just girls, boys.
Our super team welcomes you!
Look at us - unnecessary words No need!
Resourcefulness, humor, enthusiasm and luck.
We promise to bring you fun!
Leading. Before the “Warm-up” competition begins, the captains, along with two assistants, must leave their team to come to us in a Santa Claus costume. And we will appreciate the originality of this costume.
You can use paper “icicles”, plastic bottles and other materials to decorate the Santa Claus costume.
Warm-up
Maximum score - 5 points.
Leading. We are starting the second competition, alas, without captains. Your task: answer the questions as quickly as possible without preparation. The faster you get to the microphone and the more witty your answer, the higher the points.
Questions (on a separate sheet)
Presenter. I want Santa Claus! And better than two: there will be more jokes! Let's write an ad: “Young, handsome, Gillette-shaved Santa Clauses are needed.”
Leading. Young? Grandfather? Amazing! What about the hair?
Presenter. With a ponytail!
Leading. Hmmm! With a ponytail, a fur coat and felt boots! Get hurt!
Presenter. Then - young, handsome, in Levi's jeans, a Versace T-shirt, and Camelot boots! And what?
Leading. And with a bag on your back! Some kind of scavenger!
Presenter . With a backpack, on a skateboard and in a baseball cap!
Leading (stunned). Who?
Presenter . Father Frost! (To the audience.) Let's call them! Grandpas!
Santa Clauses come out - team captains,
Santa Clauses (in unison).
We are young brothers,
Frosts are removed.
One (points to himself).
I am Frost Red Nose!
Another . I am Frost Blue Nose.
Third . And I'm Frost the purple nose!
Presenter: Our wonderful grandfathers will have to take part in a captain competition. Captain competition. Original New Year's greetings and wishes to the teams and fans
Santa Claus 1 . The smartest and the bravest, help! My friends and I decided to open own business- the Moroz company (gifts keep getting more expensive!), but we don’t know where to start.
Presenter . From advertising, of course! Where did Frosts come from? Still don't know the main engine of trade?
Santa Claus 2. That's it, my dear, come up with this advertisement for us!
Teams present their options. Maximum score - 5 points.
Creative competition for teachers “I am writing to you”
Presenter . But I wonder how to check whether our Santa Clauses are real?
Leading . Yes, very simple! Real Santa Clauses don’t snack after the first rhyme!
Presenter. But real teachers always start checking after the first...
Leading ....is there a second one?
Presenter . What are you doing? Notebooks!
Leading . Even on New Year's Day?
Presenter . This process is endless!
Leading. Why do you think _______ always looks under the table?
Presenter. Loves the shoes!
Leading. Yeah! To the essay that is on her lap! Don't waste your time!
Presenter. Then all we have to do is carry out creative competition for teachers.
Leading. We are giving you pieces of paper on which you can see the rhymes. You need to compose a small New Year's quatrain in 5 minutes. Nothing complicated! Go ahead, load your students with full program!
Assignment for teachers
Presenter: -You should compose a Happy New Year greeting to all participants in the evening, so that some word is repeated 10 times, for example, “eat-fal”
Ice sculpture competition
Teams must draw an ice sculpture and give it a name. Preparation time: 45 seconds. Maximum score - 5 points.
Competition "Round Dance"
Leading. You all know that the New Year cannot be complete without a round dance around the Christmas tree. The team’s task is to dance in a round dance; they place the “Christmas tree” in the center of the round dance, and their Santa Claus next to it.
Each team has its own music, for example (lambada, oriental, psy opa gag nam style, dance of little ducklings), the teams perform in turns. The maximum score is 7 points.
Competition for the best and original song.
Options
Southern version of the song about the Christmas tree
(To the tune of “A Christmas tree was born in the forest.”)
A cactus was born in the steppe,
He lived in the sultry desert,
He was slim and green,
It's like a crocodile.
The camel sang songs to him:
Sleep, cactus, bye-bye.
The dune covered with sand:
Make sure you don't freeze!
Sometimes the little jerboa is gray
Jumped under a cactus.
Sometimes a skinny angry coyote
Ran around the area.
But then I came to the prairie
Cowboy on horseback
And, lassoing a cactus,
I took him home.
Now a smart cactus
It will come to us in a pot
And lots and lots of joy
He'll bring it to the kids.
New Year's medley
(Ensemble of the Russian song “Baba Mani”. Handkerchiefs are tied under the chin. They sing to the tune “
There was a birch tree in the field.")
Oh, there was a Christmas tree in the forest,
Oh, there was a green one in the forest.
Lyuli-lyuli, stood. (2 times)
There's no one to break that tree,
No one to break the greens,
So the man went for a walk,
Wrap up a Christmas tree for the kids,
Lyuli-lyuli, wrap it up. (2 times)
The Christmas tree is shining with lights,
He leads round dances with us,
Lyuli-lyuli, with us. (2 times)
(Group “Advanced Marya”. Handkerchiefs are tied like bandanas. They perform rap.)
Christmas tree sticks, green needles!
In a sunny meadow
The Christmas tree grew.
E-tree, tree. (2 times)
Once upon a time in a bitter cold
One man came
With a very sharp saw
Around the tree, whack and whack.
Wild teenagers
They danced until the morning.
Gathered at the Christmas tree
Cool bro.
(Group of semi-finished products “Golden Mashas”. Handkerchiefs on their hips. They sing to the tune of the song “Fish”.)
In the distant, icy taiga
The Christmas tree misses the children,
Cold dark winter
Dreams of bright lights.
And she doesn't need anything:
No forest, no winter, no cold.
Only tinsel and serpentine,
And she needs a children's round dance.
Chorus:
Oh my tree, my tree was cut down.
Green needles fell off the tree.
Competition "Homework"
Teams demonstrate parodies of their favorite TV programs Maximum score - 7 points .
III. Final part
Leading.
How quickly time flew by
Minutes, half an hour, hours...
We managed to have some fun
We managed to give you prizes!
Presenter.
And there's a fun holiday ahead,
Magical bright New Year!
Perhaps there is no more beautiful moment,
When the new year comes!
Leading.
Happy New Year -
It’s so nice to congratulate you!
And we wish you with all our hearts
Don't forget to learn!
Presenter.
Smile more often, easier
And live in peace with dad and mom.
It's fun to laugh,
Truly be friends!
General song
Winter
(To the tune of the song "Earth in the Porthole", music by V. Miguli)
Winter, winter is showing off,
Houses in the snow and streets,
The trees were all frozen in silver.
Gifts are bought
And people smile
After all, we are all waiting for the New Year in December!
The puddles sparkle with ice,
Decorated with snowflakes
Villages, cities and winter forest,
Crows wash themselves with snow,
And soon it will be revealed to us
A world of magic, unknown wonders!
Chorus:
And let all the fairy tales come together,
And let them give the world miracles.
And let all the people join hands,
And the whole Earth will be happy!
Let the Christmas trees dress up
And let your dreams come true
Fun and joy will come to every home!
Let poetry and music
All hearts will spin,
May a happy New Year come!
The lights are shimmering
Champagne explodes
Smiles, masks, sparkles, chaos!
Let the holiday never end
Let it continue.
Thank you, Zimushka-Winter!
Competition 5. “Snowballs”
You have to hit a paper snowball into a bucket from a distance of 3 meters.
Competition 6. “Sledding”
Tie a piece of cardboard to a string and place it on it balloon. Run, dragging this improvised “sleigh” behind you so that the ball does not fly off the cardboard.
Competition 7. “Snowflakes”
You need to blow on a flying feather, which will symbolize the first snowflakes falling to the ground. Within 30 seconds the feather should not fall to the ground.
Student 1
Light fluffy
Snowflake white,
How clean
How brave.
Dear stormy
Easy to carry
Not to the azure heights -
Begs to go to earth.
Student 2
Wonderful azure
She left
Myself into the unknown
The country has been overthrown.
In the shining rays
Skillfully glides
Among the melting flakes
Preserved white.
Student 3
Under the blowing wind
Shakes, flutters,
On him, cherishing,
Lightly swinging.
His swing
She's consoled
With his snowstorms
Spinning wildly.
Student 4
But here it ends
The road is long,
touches the earth
Crystal star.
Fluffy lying
Snowflake is brave.
How clean
How white!
(K. D. Balmont)
Competition 8. “March drops”
You need to pour the water out of the spoon as slowly as possible. The last one wins. By completing this task, you will imitate the March drops. Scoop up a spoonful of water, lift the spoon and turn slowly. It is advisable that at least 10 drops fall from the spoon.
Competition 9. “Paper Boats” Fold a boat from a sheet of paper in a few seconds. Performing a dance to a soundtrack.
Competition 10. “Chafer Bugs”
We have to transport walnut shells. Tie a thread one and a half meters long to the shell. Wind the thread onto the spool, that is, drag the “beetle” along the drawn line. The winner is the one who crawls faster and does not move from the line
Competition 11. “Apple picking”
The apples are suspended on threads from a fishing line stretched across the entire class. Take a bite from an apple without using your hands.
New Year's round dance at the Christmas tree.
Competition 12. “Cockerels”
Stand on one leg, put your hands behind your back. Standing on one leg, try to push your opponent out of the circle.
Competition 13. “Write a poem”
Notes with rhymes are placed in inflated balloons.
Bear - cone
Snowball - fluff
Bag - friend
Christmas tree - needle
Toys - crackers
Student - snowman
Frogs are girlfriends
Carrot - skill
Competition 14. “Newspaper”
New Year's newspapers are evaluated. Children read out funny New Year's stories or jokes.
Competition 15. “The stars are us”
Modern songs are performed to the soundtrack.
Competition 16. “New Life”
Come up with 10 uses:
a) an empty Coca-Cola can;
b) a holey sock;
d) a burnt out light bulb.
The children sing to the tune “They teach at school.”
25 children study with us 25 children!
25 guys - this is our class!
Team "Nif-Nif" (rap)
We can hardly hear you in class
We answer or remain silent.
But among themselves (2 times)
We speak very loudly.
We play with a pencil,
We pick in the ear with a pen,
And we sit and draw -
In general, we live, and do not yearn.
We have boys
We have girls
25 guys - our class is mischievous.
25 guys are singing and dancing here now.
Team "Naf-Naf" (rap)
The teacher doesn't scold us
He tells us: “Well done.”
That's when the end comes
Mom and Dad will find out everything
That we are like colorful chicks,
We always sit and read
We write something and count,
Why, we don’t know ourselves.
Well done!
25 guys in a class is not easy.
25 children said loudly: “School is our second home.”
Team "Nuf-Nuf" (rap)
A change is coming
All the boys are on the carpet,
Someone wanted to climb the wall,
But he rolled down the wall.
Who jumps cheerfully under the desk,
Someone is looking for their pencil case.
But this simply means:
The fourth grade went wild.
25 guys in a mischievous class,
25 guys said loudly:
“We live very fun and friendly at school!”
Together
Soon, soon, very soon
There will be a New Year holiday!
We hope it will
Everything is the other way around for us.
We will learn lessons,
Don't chat in class.
And we believe it's great
We will know all the subjects.
25 guys live happily
25 guys are singing to you now.
Presenter We finished the game, But the holiday continues. The results of the game are summed up.
Student 1
Came to us again today
Christmas tree and winter holiday.
This holiday is New Year's
We waited impatiently.
Student 2
A dense forest, a blizzard field
The winter holiday is coming to us.
So let's say it together:
“Hello, hello, New Year!”
Student 3
Congratulations to all girlfriends,
Congratulations to all friends.
And with all our hearts we wish
We wish you the brightest days.
Student 4
Everyone who hears us
Everyone who knows us
We wish you a Happy New Year!
We wish you happiness and good luck,
Good health to boot.
Student 5
Holidays, joyful, cheerful,
But don't forget about school.
Study for four - five,
Help mom around the house.
Student 6
We wish that every home
It was rich in peace and warmth.
Presenter. Our New Year's KVN at school is over. And now we invite everyone to the New Year's cafe.
***
This year, for the first time, our parents let us celebrate the New Year with friends. But after my mother found a shopping list in my jeans... for some reason she and my dad decided to join us.
***
Darling, what day is it today?
- March 8?
- No!
- Your birthday?
- No!
- New Year?
- No!
- Old New Year?
- No!
- Apple saved?
- No!
- Hanukkah?
- No!
- Kydyrles?
- Yok!
- Day Angel?
- No!
- Mother-in-law’s birthday, Devil’s Day?
- No!
- Well, I don't know what day it is today!
- How can I live with a person who doesn’t know what day it is? Fifth!
- What's the fifth?
- Today is the fifth day, and you took me for an hour! Count, accountant!
This year, and therefore, all the Old Slavic holidays were celebrated: Ivana bathed, Ivano dried up, Ivano sunbathed, Ivano drank, Ivano punched another Ivan in the face, Ivano ran home and Ivano ran away the next day, all over again.
Last year, Santa Claus himself came to us. On the 29th - find out about gifts.
- Hello! Well, tell me, what should I bring you for the New Year? Kostya, what do you want?
- Babu!
- Kostya is a woman.
- Lyosha, what do you want?
- Babu.
- Lyosha is a woman.
- What do you want Zhenya?
- You know, I would like that next year the rate of ruble devaluation does not exceed the rate of Deutschmark inflation in relation to...
- My wife is a woman!
Awesome New Year in Egypt! There is no snow, there is no Galkina, there is no feeling of a holiday.
- Holiday?! Of course, where would he come from? Look, on the very first day Tolyan converted a hookah into a moonshine still, that’s it: hello, everyday life!
The New Year has come to your house, open the room, kind Grandfather Bring some brain frost to you!
Dima, look, New Year is coming, people have gathered. Would you at least wish for something?
- So that at least once in my life... I get to Leningrad after the bath! And not as usual... sober.
- And I would like for my wife to at least have someone reforge a plowshare... well, at least into a sword!
On New Year's Eve, all eighteen-year-old girls tell fortunes.
- And at thirty they realize that they didn’t guess correctly.
How will we celebrate the New Year?
- Let's dress up as Santa Clauses!
- Okay, but the beard should not be made of cotton wool. And, sure enough, he doesn’t hunch over!
- And why?
- Otherwise, the children will ruin the whole holiday again with their rhymes!
I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year. And raise that glass... and fucking pour out this effervescent French crap and fill it with clear, like a tear, well water... and leave it for the morning.
They speak under New Year
What you don't want
There's a lot going on
It's a pity that it's forgotten.
Guys, congratulate me!!! This New Year, life itself gave me a gift - I met the woman of my dreams!
- And, in my opinion, Seryozha, any one fits your dream.
Lyokha and I somehow overestimated our strength in the New Year. And we went 50 kilometers into the forest!
- By ski?
- On amphitamines!!!
Once upon a time there lived a poor peasant... Well, not entirely poor. He had money... And one day on New Year's Eve he plowed his piece of land... Dropping sweat from his forehead. And suddenly a luxurious white carriage with a beautiful red cross on the side appeared... And two orderlies quickly explained to the peasant that it was not the season!
An emergency at school: at the New Year celebration, a boy in a cucumber costume was bitten by a physical education teacher.
A boy with a poor vestibular system is rehearsing not a poem for the New Year, but the ability to stand on a chair.
***
- Now you will hear phrases that you will not hear on New Year's Eve
- Mom, dad, stay, let's spend the New Year together
- Girls, go and drink, we’ll prepare everything ourselves
- And I got through the first time
- And here is the cake
- Let's blow it up, don't be afraid, normal firecracker, don't be afraid
Grandma, why does grandpa come to us on New Year's Eve?
- By the tribunal's decision!
Lonely white mouse
Lost my virginity in a barn.
Here, a few days later,
Someone else will lose her innocence...
I don't know what to do then
With this wonderful natural phenomenon,
But it was and will always be so,
Happy new year friends!
Happy New Year!
Santa Claus doesn't exist. He lives to the fullest.
Actor Motorkin, who played the role of Father Frost, filled himself with energy drinks so much that he wiped out 14 round dances into dust.
Five-year-old Sasha almost believed in Santa Claus, but dad neighed and his beard came unglued
The holiday comes to us: kindergarten No. 23 received the most gifts from a boy who wanted to tell not a poem, but a story about how Santa Claus overcame the teacher.
At the New Year's party, through the holey screen, the children saw that the Snow Maiden was anyone, but clearly not the granddaughter of Santa Claus.
At the New Year's party, children from a kindergarten in Troeshchina called for the Snow Maiden, but they called the devil. Well, firstly, the Devil is cheaper on New Year’s Eve, and secondly, only he is not afraid of the children of the kindergarten in Troyeshchina.
Look, wife, what a beauty our Christmas tree is!.. Learn.
On the night before Christmas, the girls threw their boots out the gate. Whichever of the men passing by was knocked down by a boot was buried.
The atheist Grandfather Mitrich celebrated Catholic Christmas the longest.
An ambitious young family will rent a stable for Christmas.
New Year's omen. If in New Year's Eve stand with your back to the tree, take five steps north, and then two steps south, then you will run into a sideboard.
At the New Year's tree, a boy dressed as a hero beat a boy dressed as a knight. It is gratifying that the years go by, and the Russians are still stronger than the Germans.
New Year's event from the Ministry of Internal Affairs: Write why you don't like the police, collect ten warm clothes and wait.
For obvious reasons, President Barack Obama's New Year's address will be filmed during the day
After 10 days New Year's holidays, Kurile Islands renamed Kuriles and Bukhaly.
Now listen to the New Year's address of the President of Botswana to his people!
- Hey, where are you all?
Evgeniy in 1984 at New Year's party put on a muskrat costume, thereby showing his attitude towards Soviet power.
The caretaker of the Moscow Kremlin built himself a bathhouse from Christmas trees 2008 and 2009.
If your child is teased about Hitler at school, then come up with a new New Year's costume for your child... Or at least wash off his mustache.
New Year's KVN for high school students.
New Year's KVN script for high school students.
New Year's KVN for teams of grades 10-11 can become a bright show if the organizers make some efforts.
The script contains options for performances for both teams, texts for all competitions, words and remarks from the presenters. It is assumed that children can improvise, add their own words, cues that are relevant and recognizable in a particular educational group, and play out other situations. But even if this doesn’t happen, don’t worry! After all, the way the guys play the roles offered to them will already contain elements of improvisation.
Decoration and costumes. Children play themselves, so there is no need to make any special costumes, except for the costumes of Father Frost and the Snow Maiden. A student playing the role of a Teacher or Director will be able to simply hang a sign on their chest with the teacher's name or the inscription "Director". In general, costumes should be made as primitive as possible - one or two details are enough to create a recognizable image. For example, the Director - hats, the caretaker - a blue robe, glasses and bills, Santa Claus - a red cap and a fluffy beard. But the costumes of Father Frost and the Snow Maiden should be as natural and bright as possible.
Appearance of commands. You can, of course, make emblems with the names of the teams, but they will not be visible from the audience. Therefore, it is better to make one copy and immediately give it to the jury for use during grading. To make it clear from the audience where each team is, it is better to attach their names to the back of the stage, and each team will always stand next to its name.
Props: a frame for a TV cut out of cardboard, balls, a bow and arrows, a large candy, textbooks (3 pieces), a large shoe, slippers, galoshes, black cars cut out of cardboard, a head of cabbage, Christmas tree beads.
Musical arrangement:
Phonograms of songs:
- "Song of the Dressed Up" Bremen Town Musicians"(from the film "The Bremen Town Musicians");
- “One day the world will bend under us” (group “Time Machine”);
- “They are sleeping tired toys"(words by Z. Petrova, music by A. Ostrovsky);
- “Black Boomer” (Serega);
- “White Roses” (group “Tender May”).
Fans can be offered the following chants:
We'll support you guys
Our tenth grade will win!
Even if you burst
Even if it cracks,
And "Bang-bang"
At the first place!
Our team is great!
Our team is strength!
Love for your team
United us all!
We want anyone
Say without unnecessary phrases,
What's the best today
Eleventh grade!
In winter, and in summer, and in cold, and in heat,
“Generation Pi” - we are always with you!
Adults know this
Children know this:
Our generation"
The best in the world!!!
For greater entertainment, fans can be given sultans, pipes, and flags.
Music is playing. The presenters take the stage.
Presenter. Attention, attention, the New Year's meeting of the Club of the Cheerful and Resourceful is declared open!
Leading. We invite teams to the stage!
Presenter. 11th grade team called "Generation Pi".
Leading. And a 10th grade team called “Bang-bang!”
Solemn music sounds. Teams enter the stage and line up at an angle on both sides of the stage.
Presenter. Our competition today will be judged by a jury consisting of: (Introduces the jury members.)
Leading. The winners will receive a reward - a New Year's pie.
Presenter. So, we are announcing the first competition - “Greeting”.
Leading. According to the terms of this competition, the team must introduce itself and explain the name.
Presenter. We invite the “Bang-bang” team to the stage.
10th grade performance
Musical intro (melody “Songs of the Bremen Town Musicians in Disguise”).
A chair is brought to the edge of the stage. The captain sits on a chair with a notepad and pen. A student comes to the middle of the stage holding a poster with the text: “Recruitment for the KVN team.” Showing the poster, she moves to the edge of the stage and stands next to the captain.
Captain. It's a bad day today. Not a single marksman!
Pupil. Write down anyone already! Otherwise we won’t get a team!
Captain. Next!
A student dressed as a medieval man-at-arms walks into the middle of the stage. He leads by the hand a Kid in short pants with a huge balloon in hand.
Captain. Can you shoot?
Latnik. Yes, yes, a little. Sometimes I get it. Through time.
Captain. Well, show what you can do.
The kid moves to the opposite edge of the stage and lifts the ball above his head. The man-at-arms takes the bow from his back, inserts an arrow and shoots the arrow at the ball. The baby pierces the ball with a needle. There is a loud bang.
Captain. Yes, no questions asked. We're signing you up for our team!
The armored man takes the Kid by the hand and stands in the middle of the stage.
Pupil. Next!
A student comes in dressed as a punk.
Punk. Hey, bro, do you have a cigarette? Give me a cigarette!
Captain. Yes, I don't smoke. Maybe some candy for you? (Takes candy out of his pocket.)
Punk. Good, give me some candy!
Pupil. So! Write this down too!
Captain. For what?
Pupil. Did he take the candy from you?
Captain. Shot!
Pupil. Got it?
Captain. Got it!
Pupil. Congratulations to you on our team of marksmen! (Shakes the punk's hand.)
Punk stands next to Latnik. Two students come onto the stage and twirl flirtatiously.
Yoke 1. Hello, are you recording here in KVN?
Captain. You are not suitable for us.
Pupil. We only hire sharpshooters!
Coquette 2. And we know how we can shoot!
Captain. Well, shoot.
Coquette 1(nudges her friend with her elbow). Come on!
The two of them look intently at the team captain. He falls off his chair.
Coquette 1. Oops, it seems they overdid it!
Captain(rising from the floor). Girls, we didn’t agree that you had to shoot to kill!
Pupil. So, let's take both! (Fans the captain with a poster.)
Latnik. Yes, beauty is a terrible force!
The coquettes stand next to the Latnik and the Kid.
The captain approaches the team members.
Captain(looks at the team members and grabs his head). Who did we recruit? After all, in KVN it is not beauty that is needed, but wit. There you have to defeat your opponent on the spot with a joke!
Pupil. Come on, we'll fight it somehow!
Latnik. We'll hit someone, that's for sure!
Baby. At least once!
Captain. Why is this one here?
Baby. And I will fend off blows.
Captain. Okay, let's take you to the role of a punching bag, and who will joke?
Pupil. What, they threw it out again?
Joker. Threw it away. Biology.
All. For what?
Joker. And I asked what is the difference between Father Frost and the Snow Maiden.
All. And she?
Joker. And she said that I was vulgar and had only nasty things on my mind.
Yoke 1. What are you doing with chemistry?
Joker. Yes, as always, for nothing! He brought a can of laughing gas and everyone laughed!
Coquette 2. Math ace?
Joker. Well, he said that I only know one triangle - a love triangle!
Captain. Listen, we just desperately need you!
Joker. For what?
Pupil. To the KVN team!
Joker(rubs hands). Good!
Captain. Only... (Looks around and leans towards Shutni-KU) Between us. So how is Santa Claus different from the Snow Maiden?
Joker. So Santa Claus has a clasp on the right side, and Snow Maiden has a clasp on the left!
Captain. Ah-ah-ah!
A song is performed to the tune of “The Song of the Bremen Town Musicians in Disguise.”
To be honest, we are not supermen,
We only make jokes in KVN.
Maybe sometimes we shoot wide.
But sick of shooting, but sick of shooting,
But they are terminally ill from shooting.
We are ka, we are ve, we are enshchiki,
The fans will recognize us
We are just KVN people,
Entertainers, skirmishers.
We shoot straight, sometimes we are sweets,
And we can make a caustic joke.
And if a coquette shoots her eyes,
Now immediately on the spot, then immediately on the spot,
Then they’ll kill you right away!
We are ka, we are ve, we are enshchiki,
The fans will recognize us
We are just kaveens,
Entertainers, skirmishers.
Leading. Thanks to the "Bang Bang" team. We listen and watch the greeting of the “Generation Pi” team.
11th grade performance
All team members take the stage.
Student 1. Oh, what kind of name is this? What is "pi"?
Student 2. Well, if "pi" means beer, I'm all for it!
Student 3. And I'm against it! I don't drink beer!
Student 4. Well, then "pi" is Pepsi.
Student 5. The generation that chooses Pepsi!
All. Her!
Student 6. I don’t drink Pepsi either, it has so many calories!
Student 7. And then the Pepsi generation is our mothers and fathers!
Student 8. Oh, I came up with an idea! "Pi" is a piercing!
Student 9. This is already something! But not everyone has it!
Student 10. For example, I only have 4 additional holes!
Student 1. And I have 14!
EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONETeacher! To live without nerves,
Looking at children's pranks,
You may not be sad,
But you have to be humorous.
(E. Zapyatkin)
Watch in all schools across the country: the super blockbuster "Sit Down"! And the continuation of "Sit down - 2"!
Judging by the emerging trend in the field of education, soon upon graduation from a university they will be issued a piece of paper with the inscription “Diploma”.
Scandal at the Moscow school: the money allocated for repairs was actually spent on repairs.
Why, in order to educate your first child, do you need to have a second?
The teacher, who collected money from his students every day to repair the school, repented and went to the monastery. Now he is collecting money for the renovation of the temple.
We often call an established teacher a teacher who has folded his wings.
The teacher is asked:
- What are three reasons why you love your job?
- June July August...
I went to a school for mentally retarded teachers.
Our director's only drawback is the absence of any merits.
There are no evil teachers - there are not enough flowers and sweets!
School - this is the place where children gain knowledge, and parents - a hole in the family budget.
School prepares us to live in a world that does not exist.
School is a place where teachers demand knowledge from students in all subjects, while they themselves know only one.
According to statistics, 50% of schoolchildren dream of burning down the school, 30% dream of blowing it up, and 20% dream of first burning it and only then blowing it up.
Sentence: 11 years of school regime with confiscation of toys.
The school year is like pregnancy - it lasts 9 months, but you start feeling sick from the 2nd week...
On the first of September, schoolchildren give a bouquet of roses to the literature teacher and a “Bouquet of Moldova” to the labor teacher.
Advice from the Minister of Education to teachers:
- Do you want to double your salary? Put your money in front of the mirror!
The Minister of Education regularly collects money from ministry employees for curtains and security.
And the sponsor of our school is enthusiasm.
Statement from a teacher to the school principal: “Please send me to a salary increase course.”
Before the crisis it was fashionable to have cellular telephone. And now it’s fashionable to have a work phone.
A delegation of teachers in the director's office.
- Vladimir Petrovich! We have two questions for you.
- Which?
- First: can we increase our salaries? And the second: why not?
There is a teacher in the principal's office who has come to apply for a job.
- Do you have any recommendations from your previous place of work?
- Yes, they recommended that I look for another school.
It’s better to tell the director the truth over the phone.
The director (head teacher) does not sleep - he is resting, the director does not lie - he is a diplomat.
A thrashing in the director's office.
- Pyotr Petrovich! If you don’t know how to do anything, at least draw conclusions.
Teachers' council in the director's office.
- When everyone comes to a common opinion, it will be possible to start a discussion.
You can't bribe the director with sincerity - he takes gifts.
If it weren’t for Dobry juice, our director would have killed all the students.
The ball was still flying through the director's window, and the children were already playing hide and seek...
In the director's office.
- Maria Ivanovna, tomorrow a new exceptional student will come to your 9th “G”.
- So exceptional?
- Yes, he’s already out three schools excluded.
After the check, our director came out unscathed and quickly went up the hill.
Why did the director buy blue plates for the school?
A blue plate containing red borscht with white sour cream - this is our Russian tricolor!
In the director's office.
Peter Ivanovich! There are rats in our school!
- Nothing surprising. I didn't believe in their relationship initially.
Education: a complete fool.
A Tambov schoolboy found a million and handed his find over to the police. The sobbing mother said she was very proud of her son.
Crime news: in school library found dead... silence.
Leisure woman - organizer children's leisure, head teacher of educational work.
Picky people are very picky teachers.
To ensure that children grasp everything on the fly, teach them on the plane.
Young teachers don't know how to work. But the experienced ones know how to not work...
Where do most teachers keep their money? In dreams...
Popular wisdom: “Anyone who gets up early hasn’t been laid off yet...”
Popular wisdom: “Prepare your sleigh in the summer and the Unified State Exam in the winter.”
15% of excellent students admitted to Unified State Exam results at Moscow State University. Lomonosov, could not decipher the name of the university.
EG it was a good idea to get into a prestigious Maskovsky university.
Failure means failed exams.
“You know, just thinking about him makes my heart race, my hands shake, my legs give way, I can’t even speak.”
- And what is his name?
- Unified State Exam!
The best way to organize a panic at school is to ask everyone to remain calm.
Do you have higher education? Or even two? Do It homework with a 4th grade student using modern textbooks - feel like an idiot!
The student’s personal opinion is the teacher’s position expressed through his mouth.
If your class teacher is constantly offended by you, it means her birthday falls in the summer.
Abramovich's son's teacher died of envy after reading the child's essay on the topic: "How I spent my summer."
At school, on the line on September 1, you can determine by tan who will go to college anyway.
The President's daughter goes to university. Competition - 20 universities per place.
The son of the rector of Moscow State University entered this university without passing exams. Anyone in his place would do the same.
Guys! I warn you in advance: only those applicants whose family budget exceeds $100,000 can apply for budget places at universities in our city.
Tenth grade is not fun: you have every week new phone, because they take your old ones away?! Just wait a year, it will be even worse in the army.
At the school named after Putin, the head teacher is the head teacher, not the director.
A Tambov school teacher was detained while trying to take a bribe with a marked sack of potatoes.
The most unexpected phrase in the school canteen: “Do you have cash or a card?”
If a student crosses himself before going to the blackboard, it means he has not learned the lesson.
It's time for exams. Young people flocked to church...
Librarian Petrova, having downloaded a book from the Internet, carefully, a week later, returns it back to the site...
It has been established that school desks that have served for more than 5 years are not inferior to the walls of VKontakte in terms of information content.
At elite school No. 364, a hookah bar was set up in the toilet.
Instead of Moscow schoolchildren, their peers from Tajikistan and Moldova attend labor lessons.
The son of a labor worker and a music teacher graduated from school with two straight A's.
Everyone sit down and don’t rock the boat, come on, give me your mobile phones here.
- This is a robbery
- This is the Unified State Exam! Let's write down the task...
In order for her son to pass all the Unified State Examinations, his mother handed over all the jewelry to a pawnshop.
There is no sadder story in the world than the story of teachers at the graduation banquet.
If it weren’t for strict teachers, who would have taught the boys to hide alcohol so well?
Order in the school is usually ensured by three heroes: Fizruk, Voenruk and Trudovik.
In the director's office.
Do you know what your idiot is up to? He coded Trudovik. Trudovik came to his senses! I looked around and went to normal work!
Do you know what else your idiot is up to? I took the chemical agent’s passport, tore out her photo, and pasted in a photo of some boy. The chemical engineer was drafted into the army!
At the labor lesson.
You, Petrov, have golden hands! They just grow from the wrong place!
A new school drug, a horizontal bar, has appeared in Ulyanovsk; usually the physical teacher gets hooked on the horizontal bar.
In Voronezh school No. 13, the labor teacher automatically becomes a singing teacher after the sixth drink.
A huge problem is that we always have to pay for everything. Soon, even in schools, only physical education, life safety and labor will remain free. Well, yes, you will agree that it would be strange to pay for playing truant.
The student surpassed his teacher: ninth-grader Petrov came to work not only drunk, but also with women.
“Bread is the head of everything!” - the head of the school canteen likes to repeat, throwing a backpack with meat on his back.
Cervelat "Kalacheevsky"! Chocolate "Babaevsky"!! Cognac "Moskovsky"!!!
- Did your parents congratulate the teacher on the holiday?
Especially for those who like to skip school: We invite you to a course to raise your temperature!
If earlier “change” meant additional kit shoes, now this is a new socket for the iPhone.
Few people know that glamorous schoolchildren write in diamond-shaped notebooks.
And at our school we declared war on tardiness and absenteeism!
So how is it?
Lost...
Yesterday at the bus stop I saw a girl of truly pubescent age. She held a cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other.
Forty percent of schoolchildren after “graduation” enter the sobering center without exams.
The conscience of the hooligan Petrov does not answer or is temporarily unavailable...
It is the teachers' fault that children lie - they ask too many questions.
Our teacher never scolds us! Never, never scolds. She hits right away.
Education from good man makes a good person, and makes an excellent student out of an excellent person.
What is the difference between a good student and a bad one?
- The bad ones are beaten by the parents, and the good ones by the students.
At the lesson.
- Petrov is a big fan of sleeping in class.
- You’re offending me, Mary Ivanna, I’m a professional.
The music teacher, when the students sing poorly, scratches them on the lips with a red pen.
After the series of films about Harry Potter, schools began to be more careful about offending little rickety glasses.
In Mytishchi schools, if the frost outside is more than 20 degrees, children are officially allowed to smoke in school.
Thirteen-year-old Vasya Shibkoumnov graduated from school as an external student, passing exams and money for school repairs for the 9th, 10th and 11th grades.
As soon as it was canceled school uniform, everyone immediately understood who lived how.
Moscow teachers established:
There are more and more difficult boys in schools, but girls are easier and easier...
Why do we have only women working at our school?
But because all the best goes to children!
Those who go to school in the morning go... to universities!
Those who get up early are told: “Sit down, the lesson is not over yet!”
In elite schools in Moscow, canes were reintroduced. Now the children of the oligarchs can flog the offending teacher at any time.
Education news. Happy New Year in elite Russian schools There are glossy cool magazines.
A congress of teachers took place in Moscow. It is allowed to transfer students from class to class with bad grades. So we transfer, from seventh grade to eighth, from eighth to ninth, and from ninth to working class!
And at school I loved to make fun of the teachers, put buttons on their chairs...
- Gentlemen, I put a bouquet of roses on my teacher’s chair... It’s both painful and pleasant for her...
Do you remember how we locked up the chemistry teacher in the laboratory and disrupted the lesson?
Yes Yes!
Yesterday my little son came home from school and said that she had already started knocking more quietly. Apparently, the years are no longer the same.
Graduates of 1970 come to the alumni meeting with only one purpose: to see if the chemist has died.
All I remember from school is how my mother took me to 1st grade, and in 11th grade my dad took me away from graduation!
We believe that someone will make sure that teachers and doctors are paid not only by students and patients.
We will produce a facsimile with the signature of the parents in 1 hour. Confidentially! Discounts for excellent and good students.
Nina Vasilievna, can I ask you for chalk?
- For what?
- Circle the physical teacher.
Opening at the MHC lesson.
It turns out that Kazimir Malevich drew a switched-off TV.
- Who are you, Mashenka, going to study after school?
- For an architect-ophthalmologist!
- And what is he doing?
- He makes eyes.
Petrov, why were you late for class?
- Left home late.
- Couldn’t you have gone out earlier?
- It was too late to leave earlier...
Head teacher of the class.
- Guys, you won’t have music lessons anymore!
- Why?
- Your teacher went on maternity leave.
- I’ve finished the game!
The best number of the school concert is the gypsy girl with a way out... from the crisis.
The State Duma has banned the sale of cigarettes closer than 100 meters from schools. The physical education teachers are rejoicing. Never before have schoolchildren run the 100-meter dash with such desire.
Now schools will be made of transparent material. To prevent children from smoking behind school.
A little girl with a plane wormed her way into the crowd of graduates.
Traditionally, Russian school martial arts are a fight against laziness.
In villages where there are no schools, high school students run to the neighboring area to smoke.
Teacher:
Half cannot be more or less. Unfortunately, most of the class does not understand this.
Children, write in your diary: “Tomorrow is a parent meeting, which will take place at 19.00 at the Bolero nightclub...
Petrov, tell me your father's phone number!
- I won’t tell...
- I bet I can guess it in three strikes.
We have a superstition at school that if you lean out the window the night before an exam and... memorize all the tickets, you will definitely pass.
A scary fairy tale for graduates: "Baba Unified State Examination".
What does the phrase "Sisyphean labor" mean?
This means useless work. For example, you learned a lesson, but they didn’t ask you!
At the life safety lesson.
- When crossing the road, look at the cars, not at the traffic lights. Traffic lights have never hit anyone.
Semyonova whines during the exam:
- Mary Ivanna! I don't deserve a bad mark!
- I know, but, unfortunately, we don’t have lower grades!
Why does the labor worker swear?
- I picked it up from the children!
The physical education teacher can’t beat the labor teacher at chess: the labor worker has carved out two spare queens for himself.
Showdown between Trudovik and schoolchildren.
Who broke the plywood?.. I ask again, who broke the plywood?
- Maybe glass?
- Yesterday they broke the glass, I put in the plywood - who broke the plywood?
Labor makes a man out of a monkey, and “teacher’s day” makes a monkey out of a labor worker.
Yesterday the guys from 6B flew a kite... into the director's office.
And our school’s sponsor is the new children’s search engine Google. If you want to know a lot - Vugl!
Guys, remember: everything you say during the exam can be used against you!
A student does not know a subject in two cases: either he has not passed it yet, or he has already passed it.
Teacher:
- I hope, Ivanov, you have seriously prepared for the exam?
Ivanov:
- Of course, Eduard Ivanovich. Imagine, I taught day and night.
Teacher:
- Day and night. This is what I imagine. I can’t imagine anything else: what can you learn in one day?
Schoolgirl after exam to teacher:
- Well, I finally passed!
- No, I gave up!
Chinese graduates, going out to the embankment to greet the sunrise, turned the continent upside down.
Olenka carried a bell, and four people carried her.
After school disco the children went their separate ways. So much so that they were only expelled with the help of the police.
Schoolchildren in the Arctic are out of luck.
- Why?
“They sometimes have to wait half a year for the dawn after graduation.
Folk sign. If at graduation a girl met the dawn without a jacket draped over her shoulders, then she is ugly.
Leningrad. high school No. 3. 40 years ago.
- Sasha, what do you want to become when you grow up?
- I want to become the President of Russia!
- And you, Petya?
- And I am the President of Russia!
- And you, Volodya?
- And I want to become a truck driver!
- Russia is a country of unfulfilled childhood hopes!
A nice woman approaches a man on the street:
- It seems to me that you are the father of one of my children...
Man with horror:
- I?!
“Calm down,” the woman answers, “I’m a teacher.”
- Sidorov, wipe the board!
- Marya Ivanovna! Wrote it yourself, wipe it yourself. Not a lady. We have no servants!
Excuse of a lazy schoolboy:
We will do it, but not until later.
One very fat girl was transferred to another class, and the school tilted in the other direction.
I bought a plastic bucket. Masha washed the curtains. Ivanov brought two flowers from home. How did you get out of summer work at school?
Who brought money for school renovations, five, the rest - get ready to answer!
The topic of today's parent meeting is “Beggarly wages for public education workers.”
In South Butovo on parent meeting mothers never take off their hats because teachers steal.
Mary Ivanna, is it possible to punish a person for something he didn’t do?
- You can’t, Vovochka.
- Mary Ivanna, I didn’t do my homework!
A new generation of schoolchildren chooses textbooks with covers. We are for safe learning.
The first grade ABC lesson ended with an apple.
Vovochka, why do you look at your watch every minute?
- So, Mary Ivanna, I’m afraid that the bell will interrupt this amazingly interesting lesson!
The labor teacher proved: a screw driven in with a hammer holds much stronger than a nail tightened with a screwdriver.
Labor teacher statement:
- In the next two lessons we will be engaged in exporting garbage from the school yard.
Fifth-grader Ivanov killed his teacher... with his stupidity.
Mom is not as scary as first-graders draw her.
Pedagogical innovation - the whip and gag method.
Emergency in kindergarten No. 5: the teacher occupied all the pots with flowers.
Memo to the teacher junior classes: “If there are two Constantines sitting at a desk, immediately seat them, since at a young age Bones quickly grow together.
During a medical examination at school, the doctor asks Vovochka:
- Do you have any complaints about your nose or ears?
-Eat! They bother me when I put on a sweater.
Children, let's show how we learned all the months of the year. Well! Ian...
Var!
Feb…
Ral!
Now go ahead yourself!
Art, rel, ah, yun, yul, gust, yar, yar, yar, yul!
To be at the top of your game in all subjects, you need... to study on the very top floor of the school.
A very well-mannered schoolboy fell into the sewer and closed the hatch behind him.
A very frail boy stepped on chewing gum and was late for school.
Arshavin’s son asked for 25 million euros for promotion to second grade.
In the family of a Trudovik and a literature teacher, the child reads a new poem every time on a new stool.
Lyusya Petrovna, can I leave class early?
- No.
- Why?
-Have you seen your diary?
- No.
- I haven’t seen you for a month now.
- Wipe your glasses.
- Do not be rude.
- Don't yell.
- Ahhhh.
- Aaaaaah.
- Go away.
- I told you, he’ll let you go.
Music lessons were canceled at school number 13. The fact is that when the students begin to play the pipe, the teachers line up in columns and march to the sea to drown themselves.
In general, I charge 300 rubles for a lesson, but since we are neighbors, you’ll bring 500. I know you have money, you’ve recently done some renovations.
Yesterday at labor lesson 8 "G" turned into people.
MTS, Megafon, Beeline. Teacher's tariff. Dial 122333 on your mobile phone in class and get... a pointer to the head! Teacher's tariff...
So, it’s already five thirty in the morning, the children are going to school. Lessons start at eight - well, we still need to smoke and socialize.
Russian school:
- Who is absent?
- Justice!
- Right.
I speak Russian, English, French fluently... and in other lessons too.
You all know the fairy tale about free higher education. The fairy tale is a lie, but there is a hint in it: twenty bucks per lesson!
When I was in seventh grade, a beer stall was set up near the school. And I studied in seventh grade for five years.
I’m in 11th grade, I’m much smarter than my peers, they’re all already in the army, and I’ll study for another 2 years and I’ll still be 27 years old.
When I was studying, the boys went to smoke outside the school, and I smoked outside the area, then they noticed me and I started smoking outside the area.
If previously talented children of any parents were sent to study abroad...
- Now they send any children, but gifted parents!
And we present to you how the Headless Horseman studied at school.
- How are you behaving? Give me the diary.
- I forgot it at home.
- Didn’t you forget your head!?
Last year, schoolchildren were sent to Paris, so they studied there with only bad marks!
- What were they thinking?
- And they thought that they would be left for a second year...
He was killed by a heavy, blunt object.
Natural history?!!
I'm teaching English language in three days, by severe beating!
For our happy childhood Thanks sex tutorials!
An emergency at a school in Voronezh: a sixth-grader bit a fifth-grader, and a year later the fifth-grader... also became a sixth-grader.
