How long does mourning for the deceased last? How long does mourning last?

Women by nature are designed in such a way that they carry their experiences into external environment. It is important for them to throw out their grief, their troubles. That’s why the most popular discussions on women’s Internet forums are about divorces and separations. Often women complain that their husband left them with their child and ask for advice on how to continue living. “Friends” on forums give a variety of advice - from breaking windows in the house ex-husband to crawling behind him on your knees. Each believes that her method is the most effective, that if the husband does not return, then at least the wife will have a feeling of satisfaction and revenge for the insult.

Why do men leave families and leave children?

The reasons for husbands leaving families where joint children have already been born are actually not on the surface, which we are accustomed to calling everyday life. The reasons are much deeper - in the social structure and society’s attitude towards fatherhood.

The right to paternity is formally enshrined in the Russian constitution and the constitutions of other developed and developing countries. The rights of parents are considered equal. But is this really so?

A woman can give birth to a child from any man she likes. Even if a man takes every precaution to prevent his sexual partner from becoming pregnant, a woman has many ways to circumvent a man's reluctance to become a father. A woman gives birth to a child, which a man may not even know about, establish paternity in court and demand alimony from the man to support the unwanted child. At the same time, our society is set up in such a way that if a man does not marry the woman who gave birth to his child, he is condemned. No one is interested in the fact that at the moment of intimacy, a woman was interested in a man only as a sexual object, and not as a future partner for life together and not as a mother of future children.

A woman may not give birth to a child from her man by terminating her pregnancy. In this case, only her opinion and desire are taken into account. A man’s desire to become the father of an unborn child is of no interest to either the pregnant woman who has decided to have an abortion or the doctor performing the operation. The rights of an unborn child and the rights of a failed father are not protected by law and morality and are not mentioned at all. It turns out that having children is an exclusively female matter, but responsibility for a woman’s decision to give birth falls on the man.

Women have long used children as a “leash” for a man. Someone once suggested that a man can be “tied” to a child, but no one can still logically explain this. Yes, and not such an explanation, because to “tie” an adult independent man nothing is impossible. It is solely his own desire that keeps him close to a woman.

The disdainful attitude of the wife, mother, mother-in-law and other relatives towards the father’s attempts to care for the baby turns him away from his offspring for a long time. In fact, if they always formally “slap hands”, point out minor mistakes and shortcomings, criticize every action, then soon the young dad will lose any desire to somehow participate in the life of the baby - he still won’t do well, and the critics will receive a year in advance.

This is why the father-child relationship in our society is so shaky and unstable. We have gotten rid of the vicious patriarchal model with the ability to dispose of a child as property, but have not offered a replacement. Women raise their sons in such a way that they grow up weak-willed and infantile, at first they cannot control their desires, and then they do not want to be responsible for their actions. Daughters are raised either as princesses, to whom everyone owes money because they decorate a man’s life with their presence and give birth to children, or as feminists opposed to nepotism and men, trying to solve all problems on their own, including raising children on their own, excluding the participation of men.

What to do if the husband abandoned not only his wife, but also his child?

First of all, there is no need to take revenge and try to ruin your husband’s life. You will probably have to live with him later, so why unnecessary conflicts? Surely after the news of his departure you want to cry? Well, good health. Women's tears cleanse the soul and soothe nervous system, unless, of course, they become hysterical.

After spiritual cleansing with tears, you need to stop dying and falling apart. A husband leaving the family is a nuisance. But not grief. Therefore, there is no need to grieve. Here's what you should really do:

• Calm down. If necessary, then using herbal teas, yoga, light sedatives after consultation with a doctor. Without a normal mental attitude, it is impossible to think constructively and act correctly.
• Don't forget about the child. It is no easier for him now than for an abandoned mother, even if he is still too young. A child needs a calm, balanced, kind mother, and not a tear-stained, nervous and frayed aunt with a dull look and shaking hands. The best way distract yourself - spend time with your baby, bake a pie together, make dumplings, ride a carousel or go on a picnic.
• Don't turn the child against the father. You should never - even if your husband is wrong a hundred thousand times - tell your children about their father's love affairs, about his losses at cards and casinos, about his drunken antics, if the children did not witness it. Father and mother are a support for any person, even in adulthood. If you look at the published materials of psychologists who work with adults in depressed state, then it will become clear that unpleasant news about parents unsettled 30-40-year-old people, caused feelings of disappointment, bitterness, contributed to the formation of complexes and a decrease in self-esteem. What then can we say about small children with fragile psyches who believe in fairy tales and that dad is the smartest and strongest, and mom is the most beautiful and kind.
• Try to make friends with your husband again. Well, or at least establish relations with him regarding common child. All children were once promised to go to the zoo, the circus, ride a boat, or go to the forest for a picnic. It's time to remember what you promised and fulfill it together with your husband. If he is stubborn and does not want to meet with his ex-wife, then you should give him the child and invite him to spend time together. A loving father, after a great day spent with his children, will probably have doubts about whether he did the right thing by leaving the family and his children?
• Give your husband the children at least for the weekend. This will allow him to remember that no one has canceled his father’s rights and responsibilities and nothing has changed for him in this regard.

Women most often face financial difficulties after their husband leaves. If the child is an infant, then it is impossible to go to work with him. Working at home is also extremely difficult, since the baby takes up all the mother’s time, and if he doesn’t only child in the family, then the woman often does not have time even for a leisurely meal or beauty treatments at home. If this is exactly the situation, you don’t need to be shy about turning to your husband for help. In the end, a child under 18 years of age, and a mother until the child reaches three years of age, according to family law, have the right to receive maintenance from the father and spouse. If he does not voluntarily fulfill this duty, then the court will force him to do so.

Should I bring my husband back?

Our society believes that a child needs a father, but rarely takes into account whether a particular child needs such a father who packed his things, slammed the door and left his wife and child, or even kicked them out of their home.

There is no need to even try to get your husband back if he:

• Abuses alcohol or takes narcotic, toxic, psychotropic and similar substances;
• Plays gambling;
• Raised his hand against his wife and/or abuses his child;
• He regularly cheats on his wife and does not consider it necessary to hide it;
• Does not work and is not going to work;
• Commits criminal acts against anyone.

I read a lot of stories on Bebika in which girls are abandoned with their children, go to their mistresses, marry new passions, and do not pay child support to their children. How girls try to fight for their family, cling to their husbands, loved ones, without whom they think life has no meaning. I want to write my personal experience which I experienced myself and am still experiencing, but already at the finish line to a happy and joyful life. Maybe it will help someone and give them the opportunity to look at their circumstances from a different perspective. And understand that her story is not unique and you need to pass with dignity the trials that have come into your life, to understand why this vital life has been sent to you important lesson and get out rather than crawl out of the situation. Not with the feeling of a victim or a beaten dog, but strong spirit, a woman responsible for her life. Who worked on herself and her life, was able to survive this difficult stage, and learned valuable lessons from it. I learned to be a happy and self-sufficient person. She walks through life boldly and is not afraid to face difficulties.

A year ago, my husband left me and my son and went to his mistress, 7 years younger than himself, who at that moment was at the stage of breaking up with her husband and had a daughter from her marriage, they all worked together at the same enterprise. She knew that he I’m not free, but she wasn’t stopped either by the fact that I don’t work and I can’t support myself and the only breadwinner in the family is my husband, nor by the fact that our son is very small and in general the child needs his own dad (this is especially important for a boy). Not what it is spiritual law that breaking up someone else's family is a great sin. Even people far from faith know about this. However, she systematically crawled into our lives, naturally, at first I had no idea how every mother with a baby was completely absorbed in the baby while madame was purposefully and masterfully treating my husband. By 5 months of our son’s life, I began to notice changes happening with my husband, this was coldness, aloofness, when he came home he tried to spend as little time as possible with us, he began to spend more time at the computer and then quickly went to bed, he began to avoid intimacy, did not part I went out onto the balcony with my phone and talked to someone. I tried to clarify the situation, talk to him heart to heart, he didn’t make contact, the conversations led to nothing. I checked the phone and email when he was sleeping, everything was clean there, as I later realized (it was well encrypted and deleted everything). I chalked it all up to a difficult time, to the fact that he was tired at work and didn’t want to bother me, since after giving birth I had a prolonged depression, I was very nervous, I thought that this was why he was moving away. So as not to quarrel with me once again, seeing my nervous state. Everything opened in the summer! We went to my parents, after 2 weeks he stopped calling me, and after another week he stopped answering the phone, when I got through to him we had a fight over this and he suddenly said let’s get a divorce, I endured it for too long, I was in shock. And at this time he had fun with his mistress and friends, went with her and his friends to clubs and karaoke. I brought her into our house into our bed, our neighbors found her drunk, the door to the apartment was wide open, she was lying on our bed, asleep, and there were open bottles and glasses everywhere. During my departure, our apartment turned into a hangout, loud music was playing, left-wing men and girls were constantly hanging around, parties. Some child was crying all the time, then, as it turned out, the mistress was dragging her little daughter with her everywhere (how I feel sorry for the baby, she was unlucky with her mother). My brother called him and confronted him with the fact that he was putting us on the train and he could take a day off from work and look for an opportunity to meet us as he wanted. He came for us drunk, cold, without wedding ring, a complete stranger, with a wolfish look. Seeing him like this, I realized that something very terrible had happened, at that time I didn’t know all the details of the situation that I wrote to you about above. From this day my personal HELL began! It would take a long time to describe my whole story, the terrible suffering and humiliation that my ex-husband and his mistress forced me through. I’ll write briefly the whole time I saw him, he was drunk, didn’t spend the night at home, sometimes came to take something from his things, lied to his face, dodged, was indifferent to his son, was ready to give up on him, he didn’t refuse only because he found out that he would have to I don’t care to pay alimony, in court I cynically bargained over alimony and wanted to pin all my debts on me. I was terribly guilty for myself, I didn’t love myself, I didn’t care enough, I was cold, paid little attention to him, was absorbed in my son, etc. I don’t remember the divorce and the first half a year after he left our life, I was in a state of complete inadequacy all the time. I cried, I couldn’t really take care of the house or the child. One day I realized that if I continue like this, I will slowly kill myself, and at the same time I will weaken my psyche little son, who at that moment really needed me and I didn’t pay him enough attention at all. The prospect of going crazy sobered me up somewhat. And I started working on myself; the first point in my recovery was to find a good, adequate psychologist, which I did. The psychologist turned out to be a believer and very tactful; later she became my close friend. We met with her every week. I told her how I lived during this time, how I worked on myself, she gave me homework that I completed. We talked a lot about my internal state about those moments that should be given the most time, in my case it was resentment and guilt.

The second thing that helped me survive the collapse of our family was prayer. As a believer, I prayed every day for myself, for my son, for my ex-husband. She asked me to give me strength to survive, to endure this acute moment.

The third point was not to find out anything about my ex-husband and his life without us under any pretext. I asked our mutual acquaintances and my girlfriends not to tell anything about him and his passion in my presence. Didn't rummage through social networks I didn’t go to their pages, because I’m not a masochist, I had another goal to forget him, and this is an obligatory point on the path to recovery. Block all channels through which information about a person can reach.

I also had a swing, this is a state when you begin to remember all the cool, sweet moments of life together, kisses, hugs, intimacy, good days, walks, words, etc. The movement of such thoughts must be cut at the root, endured, and through an effort of will switch to other activities. Easy to say, hard to do. But this needs to be done, first of all, for you! Because you can stay in this state for a very long time. And there are no positive prospects in this! Only we ourselves can pull ourselves out of this swamp, longing for bygone days and self-pity.

Still very important point it’s being constantly busy, you can live in short bursts, not planning your life 5 years in advance, but writing down your daily tasks on a piece of paper, what you will do tomorrow. What are your plans, it’s also very good to help others, it significantly eases your own pain (tested on yourself), you can help in a shelter for homeless animals, there is always a shortage of volunteers, elderly, lonely, sick people, in your city there are a lot of people who much worse than you and your problems are not as terrible as they might seem at first glance. You can come up with something for a holiday in kindergarten, at your child’s school, do creative work with children, feed pigeons, make feeders, paint or fix something at the dacha, in the village if you have them, help one of your relatives in their affairs . Those who have a car can provide all possible assistance to churches, rehabilitation centers, animal shelters there are often looking for people who can help with transportation, orphanages require volunteers, you can donate blood; it is constantly needed and is never superfluous. The main thing is not to get bogged down in the swamp of self-pity and thoughts about bygone times.

I want to write a little about alimony. Dear ladies, don’t wait for good weather by the sea, don’t indulge yourself with illusions that your loved one will come to his senses and come back and support you and your child. Apply for alimony. Believe me, if a father loves his children, he will support and take care of their well-being even after leaving the family. As practice shows, this is a fairly rare occurrence when a father voluntarily makes contributions for a child left in the care of the mother; there is no need to pretend to be Mother Teresa and delay filing a claim for alimony.

I also looked for help on the Internet with my questions and came across two very interesting resources, one of them was a practical forum on surviving crisis situations in the family, it really helped me understand myself and my condition, after reading the site and its stories, I was extremely surprised how many difficult things there were situations, what recommendations are given to overcome internal experiences, the algorithm of actions in the event of betrayal or the departure of the other half is described in detail. What was most striking was how many men there were who were abandoned by their wives, but these men are not scoundrels or alcoholics. Good family men, decent husbands and loving fathers. I liked the theme of the author Lucinano, I just couldn’t pass it by, he described everything specifically and with examples from his life, he really wrote for men, but it’s suitable for women too.

I read men’s topics on the forum, they are all very similar, I want to help everyone, but I don’t have enough time to write in detail in each topic. So I decided to create general theme and write your thoughts here. I hope this will be useful to someone. I took some ideas from my earlier posts.

First of all, I want to note the following things:
1. Please treat this topic not as a guide to action, but as a call for reflection. Although everyone’s situations are similar, they are still somewhat different, and my recommendations need to be combined with current situation accordingly.
2. Please don't be offended beautiful women, that I am addressing the topic to men. I do this not because I want to somehow infringe on our ladies, but simply because I advise from the position of my own experience, and it’s hard for me to imagine how I would behave in a woman’s place. But if my message is useful to our lovely women, then I will be only happy.
3. Unfortunately, I cannot give recommendations on what and how to do if you and your wife decide to start a family again, since my wife and I eventually decided to separate, and I did not allow the reunion...
So, you found out that your wife is cheating on you, doesn’t love you, wants to leave, has already left, or something similar happened. You are devastated, depressed, angry, you don’t understand anything (the range of feelings can be wide)...

I was once in your shoes. This situation also happened to me for the first time, and I also didn’t know how to act correctly. Now I know much more than then, and I would behave completely differently. However, I figured out many things on my own intuitively, but I also made a lot of mistakes. Below are points and advice that I have learned from my own experience.

1. Life doesn’t end there. Every person has a desire for personal happiness. Imagine that happiness is on a high hill, and you are at the foot of this hill. There are many paths you can take up the hill; you don’t need to get stuck on the path you took the previous part of your life. Believe me, she is not the only one, and the path to happiness does not end with divorce. Even such a sad event as divorce can be considered as the first page new chapter of your life. Remember that you always have a choice of paths to happiness; the choice makes your behavior free and relaxed, your life more interesting and exciting.

2. Often our problem is that we put another person above our desires and aspirations, subordinate our lives to him, make an idol out of him. Remember that the most important thing for a person is harmony, external and internal, and the main purpose of a man is to express himself in the world external to the family - creativity, profession, mining that same mammoth, knowledge of the world, knowledge of God. A man must have a BUSINESS to which he needs to devote himself selflessly, and in due time a woman appears next to him, supporting and helping him, a companion and keeper of the hearth. There is no need to make her a goddess, put her on a pedestal and the like. You need to continue your path with God and with gratitude to him for everything. This position makes you self-confident, strong, interesting, no woman will want to leave you like that. You are big, strong, confident, kind.

3. The woman leaves. There is no need to “fight” for it. Traditional question from a sober observer in such a situation: who are you going to fight with? With your wife? With lover? If you fight with anyone, then only with yourself, and not for her, but for yourself. There is no need to rush to save everything, shower them with flowers, gifts and confessions, or constantly have intimate conversations. Such actions are late, demonstrate your weakness, and first evoke pity in a woman, and then irritation, but do not resurrect love. At such moments, wounded male pride and humiliated pride scream within us; we cannot follow these feelings.

4. It’s still worth talking once. You must prepare for the conversation, collect yourself, be as calm and confident as possible. Explain to your wife that her behavior/decision hurts and hurts you. That you may have made mistakes in life, but that did not give her the right to cheat on you. That you do not intend to tolerate her betrayal. That you give her a choice - either stop all communication with her lover, build a family anew with you and God, or go to solo swimming in the role free woman. You must honestly warn her about the most likely scenario in her life, namely, that according to statistics, only 30% of women who leave for another man marry him, and only half of them are happy in this new marriage, i.e. her chances of success are 15%. If her chosen one is married himself, then divide by another 3 (5%). The most likely scenario is that the passion will pass, her lover will spoil her and leave her, all the delights of dividing property with you await her, the hearts of the children will be broken for life, the shame and bitterness from the thought that she herself destroyed the family will remain with her forever. You are offering her a reliable family, you are ready to rebuild a family building and a different life together with her. Prepare your speech in advance and deliver it only once, then only answer her questions. If your wife is thinking, give her the opportunity to make a decision, don’t bother or jerk her, take care of yourself for now (more on this below). Tell her you're giving her time to make a decision. Let's take no more than a week, two at most. If your wife refuses, is determined to have a different life, or continues to behave inappropriately after the expiration of the term, completely distance yourself from her and prepare for a divorce (alas). This will be what is called a “magic kick” on the forum.

5. Among other things, behind the fear of losing your wife lies self-doubt, thoughts “who needs me”, “how will I be alone now”, the habit of comfort and the like. Now you have been taken out of your comfort zone, and just accept that your life will never be the same as before. And believe me, not everything is as bad as it seems in these dark days.

6. Don’t whine, don’t beg, don’t beg, don’t bother, don’t humiliate yourself, don’t go into alcohol. Women don't like weak people.

7. Do not show aggression, do not insult, do not humiliate yourself. It won't give you any points, but it will cause burning shame later. Don’t do anything now that you won’t respect yourself for. If you want to do something that you are not sure is worthy of, just try to look from the outside and imagine that it is not you, but another man in another family who wants to do the said act, and mentally give him an assessment.

8. Self-esteem is exactly what you need. Write down your positive traits, for which other people, other women, and yourself value you. You will see that not everything is so bad, there is something to appreciate you for. Carry this piece of paper with you (I keep it on my phone), and read it in difficult times. It really helps, it's been tested.

9. Analyze your mistakes in marriage, sort them out, remember them and draw conclusions. There is no need to beat yourself up. Remember, your mistakes are not a reason to cheat on you, but you need to accept them as experience so as not to repeat them in the future.

10. Take care of yourself, your personal growth. Fill your life with new activities and concerns aimed at your growth, for example:

Perhaps you have always wanted to learn something, improve your skills, improve your English - now is the time. Immerse yourself in the learning process
- sport. set goals in sports (lose weight, improve your figure, stop suffering from shortness of breath when running, and just accustom yourself to regular training). I highly recommend taking up boxing, it clears your head, improves self-esteem, and improves physical fitness.
- daily exercise
- read and/or listen to more audiobooks on work, on personal development, on the topic “how to achieve success,” etc.
- fight with bad habits and activities (drinking, computer games, TV, etc.). television programs forget it altogether, watch a movie (both fiction and educational)
- pay attention to work, what career opportunities are available at your workplace? Maybe it makes sense to become more active, get involved in new projects, pull the blanket on yourself?
- find a new hobby or remember an old one. when a person is passionate about something, there is no time to engage in harmful soul-searching
- learn to type using the 10-finger method if you don’t know how
- remember what you dreamed of in your youth, it’s probably not too late to realize some dreams

Put this in your phone as a list and look there periodically to stimulate yourself.

11. Pray for your wife (even after divorce), for your children, for yourself. Ask God to forgive your wife’s sins, your sins, have mercy on you sinners and help your children. Daily prayer helped me a lot and eased my soul. Order magpies, reading the psalter in a monastery or temple. Read the Gospel.

12. Read psychological literature, especially moments related to the fight against negative emotions(guilt, resentment, anger, etc.)

13. Will want to fill the void with another woman. Avoid this. You may actually feel better, but then you will be ashamed that you used the person as a band-aid. Do not start a new relationship before six months (preferably a year or two). The time will come and you will be able to fill your heart with a new feeling, verified.

14. Don't be afraid for your children. This is the most painful topic, I know and understand it very well. Believe me, the child's psyche is very flexible. Try to give your children more attention and care, come up with things to do together, call and write to them more often, take them to your place, take them to interesting places, take them with you on vacation, etc... Be their father, no matter what happens, you didn’t start this mess, so you shouldn’t eat yourself. Certainly, complete family Nothing can replace children, but believe me, living in a lie or in a family where mom doesn’t love dad is even worse. Be a strong, cheerful, caring father, the kind that your children will be proud of, and not a weak, whining, downtrodden, love-worn creature that your children will not respect. They now watch and absorb right and wrong behavior patterns in family life. You don’t want your daughter to repeat the mistakes of her mother, and your son to become an insecure loser and henpecked?

15. Sometimes pain, thoughts about the past, difficult feelings, sweet memories will come. This is a swing. You need to be patient and switch to another activity or prayer at these moments. You yearn for that woman who is no longer there, your wife is now completely different, and the old times will not return (you cannot step into a river twice, only into a puddle). Over time, the amplitude of the swing will decrease, the duration of calm, light periods will increase.

16. Don't try to come up with quick and simple solutions on the topic “how to get everything back”, some magic phrases, actions and manipulations. Even if you can use skillful manipulation to return the body (not the soul) of a woman to yourself, the effect will be short-lived and joyless. Get ready for a long job. Relationships between people can change, but this takes months or even years. I myself went through the desire to run somewhere, save and do it, otherwise I would be “late.” It's a delusion.

It’s incredibly difficult to start doing all this, but you need to force yourself through “I can’t - I don’t want”, you’ll get involved gradually. I am proof of that.
After some time, you will understand that not everything revolves around your relationship and experiences with your wife, you will discover new world for yourself, self-esteem and a sense of inner dignity will grow beyond recognition. You will feel like a man, and all decisions will come by themselves. You will be the master of the situation.

I want to warn you against a serious mistake. Don't do everything described above to get your wife back. Do it ONLY for yourself, to change your life, to find your own new path to happiness.
By the way, if you do everything as written above, there is a very high probability that one day your wife (or by that time already ex-wife) will want everything back. Then you will decide what to do. Perhaps your paths will converge again, who knows... To me, when I got involved in new life, the ex-wife was no longer needed, since the dependence on her disappeared. Although at first I simply dreamed about this “return” of hers, about the words that she subsequently said to me, etc.

Good luck to you! I wish to find myself, my own personality and destiny. Hang in there, guys. There is life after betrayal and divorce. Verified.

The second resource is help professional psychologists it's free. You can write your situation there, they will help you find a solution to the problem and point you in the right direction https://www.b17.ru/

In the end, I would like to write about myself and how my life turned out a year after our breakup.

I worked on myself all year, at first it was difficult, I cried constantly, there were swings, it seemed that this terrible state would never end. I fought constantly, kept myself busy, played with the child even through force, walked with him, prayed a lot, at first I actually “registered” in the temple, went to everything morning services, it became easier. I talked with a psychologist and did all the exercises she advised me. I found a job at home, sent the child to a commercial kindergarten for half a day so that the baby could develop and I could work at home at this time and take a break from the child since we are together all the time. found a lot interesting activities This is finger painting with the child, walks in the evenings, a swimming pool in the morning 2 times a week. I found something that brings me pleasure, you can find something to suit your interests. Now, looking back, I understand that I have become wiser, more far-sighted, calmer, after BM left, many problems disappeared by themselves, including in everyday life. My son and I have become very close, I feel his love and affection, he always jumps into my arms and puts his head on my shoulder when I come to pick him up. kindergarten, as if we were 100 years apart I acquired spiritual experience, understood my mistakes and accepted them, stopped blaming myself, we are not saints and we all tend to make mistakes, but this is not a reason to cheat and betray us. I feel sorry for BM because it is not very easy to carry such a heavy burden through life with the stigma of a traitor and traitor. And you can show off in front of others as much as you like, you won’t fool yourself. I think about him extremely rarely and without pain. We still don’t communicate and I am very grateful to him for the fact that he has the conscience not to appear in our lives, after all that he has done. And an old friend is also looking after me. A decent guy, he doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, he’s a children’s doctor, I don’t allow our relationship with him to go any further at the level of communication, but he doesn’t insist and I respect him very much for that.

I want to wish you all true feminine happiness, love that is not hypocritical, God help you all who are going through a difficult crisis path family relations!!! With warmth and sincerity to you!!!

P.S Comments expressing aggression, insults and other non-constructive and negative comments will be deleted.

Listen to how it sounds: “He left me with the child!” The following picture immediately appears: a sobbing wife with a child in her arms tries to hug her husband, and he indifferently throws his family away from him and, leaving, slams the door! I just want to punish the scoundrel right away!

But if you listen to your husband, he has his own version: “I didn’t abandon my child! I left my wife! Immediately the situation changes and many questions arise: why did he leave? What's happened? Who is guilty? How should everyone live now? Well then, let's look for answers to these questions.

There are situations when the expression “husband and child left” is completely inappropriate, although it sounds like a horror story. But in essence, this situation is more scary for men than for “unfortunate” women:

A random sex partner became pregnant. This kind of “unexpected surprise” often happens to the rich and famous men in order to get married under any pretext. You can read about such surprises in the article.

The man lived together or simply dated a girl, but was not yet ready to get married. And even more so to have children. Conditions were set, there was protection, but allegedly something went wrong, and it was not possible to agree on an abortion. After all, only a woman can control her body.

The man did not know at all about the pregnancy of his random partner, and fate separated them for a long time. And then the woman found the man. He, poor fellow, did not even suspect that he had a child. Already got one myself new family, children and here it is - a blow from the past: feed, educate, participate in the life of the baby.

It’s disgusting to watch how all the cones fly on the man’s head at this time. What did these ladies expect if there were no promises, no marriage proposals and no father's wishes? There wasn’t even a family, followed by divorce. What did they expect? To the indignation of the crowd? For large alimony payments?

Therefore, if you are “in the ranks” of such women, then there is only one piece of advice: raise it yourself, dear, if you really wanted a child. Did you give life to a person just for your own benefit? Then you should be the first to be condemned for this.

There are different things that happen in families - quarrels, resentments, scandals. But for some reason, some women are able to perceive even a minor disagreement as a global catastrophe. Well, this often happens to young families immediately after the birth of their first child. Mommy is in postpartum depression, daddy is horrified by the baby’s yelling and dirty diapers, and even after hard work. Where is there not to swear?

So it turns out that the spouses threaten each other with divorce, and then daddy runs away from home in his heart for some time. Well, it becomes unbearable for him in such an environment! And he cannot take the child with him. And this is what happens to mommy:

She starts calling all her relatives with tears and hysterics that her husband left her and her child, and the matter smells like a divorce.

She begins to intrigue her husband: calling him with threats, promising to ruin his life if he doesn’t come to his senses.

She throws a tantrum again when her husband finally returns, and she arranges the entire concert in front of the child, scaring him.

Well, this is still forgivable for young “yellow-mouthed” spouses. The most important thing is that such parents have wise and experienced relatives of the older generation. They are the ones who can explain to these bullies how to learn patience and mutual assistance.

If there are no wise relatives or a good psychologist, then this family can really collapse. And the reason is simple: these two rushed to be a full-fledged family. But most often it happens that such quarrels are harbingers of divorce, but so far without a serious separation.

Family life must literally be built - from foundation to roof, brick by brick. And how to do this - you will read in the article. And to avoid troubles in the family, here is another article to help you:. This is in case you have no one to give you wise advice.

When the divorce has already taken place

And yet it happened. He left, the divorce was filed, and according to the court, the child, of course, remained with you. Now let's look at the reasons for divorce. The fact that you have a baby in your arms is another matter, but first you need to find out what prompted you to run away.

You were the initiator

It was simply unbearable to live with him. He didn’t help in any way, on the contrary, his presence weighed you down and even frightened you. He’s kind of nervous, and as soon as he does anything, he immediately starts screaming, or even throws up his hands. He drank from his glass, didn’t want to work, wasn’t at all interested in the child - how was it possible to live with that?

If he really is such a bastard, and he easily divorced you, not caring about the child, then it is better to exclude him from your life after the divorce forever. And never demand anything from him - neither for yourself nor for the baby. Even alimony. Why? More on this later.

He was the initiator

No, you didn’t kick him out, he left on his own and filed documents with the court. I explained this reason simply - it’s unbearable to live with you, but the child is not to blame for anything here. He does not refuse child support, he wants to meet the child, but he does not want to live in a family where he is humiliated.

If the reason is your character, then be more careful in the future. By taking revenge on your husband for the divorce, you can break a lot of wood, turning the child against the father and not allowing them to see each other. The consequences will be dire. You will also read about them a little later.

Third party influence

This applies to all those who were able to destroy a family and lead to divorce:

Relatives on both sides. So the son-in-law (or daughter-in-law) didn’t like it, and the relatives begin to plot all sorts of intrigues. The spouses should unite and send everyone to hell. But no, listening to other people’s opinions, they could not withstand the onslaught from the outside. Therefore, you have to live with such evil people at a distance - the farther, the closer.

Gossipers and “well-wishers.” Some non-humans simply cannot live from envy of other people's happiness. What kind of fairy tales can they come up with to a strong family was broken. Moreover, all the gossip will definitely reach the innocent spouses. The family is divorced, the gossips are gloating.

For many women, the answer is clear - of course, apply. Why should a child suffer without receiving the same thousand rubles from his father as a shred of black sheep? If he doesn’t pay, we’ll find him through the court, through the bailiffs. Or the property will be taken away. And even if he is a tight-fisted miser, he still needs to rob this nonentity to the last detail.

On the one hand, this is correct. But some women can be so short-sighted. After all, this 1000 ruble bill pulled from his father’s teeth may later negatively affect the child himself when he becomes an adult. And there are countless examples of this.

Earlier, in the chapter on the reasons for divorce, it was already mentioned about cuckoo fathers who did not care about the child from birth. He tyrannized his family, drank, and after the divorce his trace disappeared altogether. He maliciously evaded alimony, no matter what they did to him.

And so, in his old age, he suddenly remembered his children. He himself is weak, and has no one to support him; he doesn’t know how to continue to live. So why not cut off his child support payments? According to the law, it seems that it is necessary if he needs it for health reasons. But will they be awarded?

But this is the rub. If he paid at least a few pennies every month, then his children will support him for life. He maliciously evaded and hid - he doesn’t care what he gets, but the children will be free. Well, if only in conscience they will regret the father as a relative. So is that thousand rubles worth such sacrifices?

In other cases, of course you need to apply for alimony! If the ex-husband does not shy away from anything and pays regularly, then respect to him. Even though 25% of your salary may not seem like much, it is the law. And gifts for the child from pure heart- these are not handouts, as some women believe.

To begin with, let’s imagine the following picture: a woman is standing at the factory entrance with a one-year-old child in her arms, waiting for her ex-husband to return from work. When he comes out, the woman begins to frantically shake the baby and scream that the child is suffering without a father, and he abandoned him as a bastard.

The child bursts into tears, and everyone passing by shames the father. But in all conscience, we need to take the baby away from the mother and kick her soft spot for such a scene. The child screams not out of worry, but because he is hurt and scared from his mother’s hysteria. And mom is raging for her own reasons.

How a child himself might perceive a divorce from his parents:

Up to two years The baby basically needs that person who is constantly next to him. Most often this is the mother. Up to a year, he may not notice his father leaving at all.

From two to five years he may realize that dad is not around, but he still does not understand the seriousness of the divorce. Dad appears some days - everything is fine and everything is fine.

From five to eleven years- this is a difficult period. The child is already aware that mom and dad will not live and may suffer. Especially in adolescence.

Attention! No matter how difficult the relationship between parents may be, this should not worry the delicate child’s psyche. All clarifications of relations between adults should pass over his ears.

The absence of a father before the age of five can be explained by dad’s workload, but not otherwise. And if dad doesn’t appear in his life at all, then there’s no need to focus on him. But when the child already understands the separation of his parents, then everything must be explained to him in simple words, without going into details: it has become difficult for all three of us to live together, but communication with our father is not prohibited.

Undoubtedly! You can prohibit it in three cases:

If he himself does not want these meetings. Here, ban it or don’t ban it, it’s all pointless. He may be hiding himself.

If there is a threat to the life and health of the child. The father is a usurper who beats the baby, and can also get drunk and lose the child.

If he can steal the baby. Because, for example, he wants to take revenge on you. And then look for them all over the world.

That's all, just this! More reasons No. If a child reaches out to his dad, and his father reaches out to him, then whether you want it or not, then you have no right to prohibit it. You can give them dates without your presence if you don’t want to see your ex-husband, or you can go out with them. Or give the child away for the whole weekend.

Under no circumstances set conditions or interfere with their meetings! And sew your mouth shut if you decide to say something bad to a child about his father in order to turn him against his dad. Once again, the grievances of adults should not concern the child.

What will happen if you do this? You will most likely make your child hate you in the future. In children good memory. They will remember the negative things that were said to them and will compare it with reality - when communicating with dad. But in reality it will be the other way around!

Organize your personal life

The woman who believes that after a divorce she will now live alone with her child, abandoned by the entire universe, is naive. This is not the film “The Blue Lagoon” with a desert island, this is life with all its society.

There are relatives, friends, neighbors - something new is happening every day. If it is possible to periodically leave a child with someone (even with the same dad), then immediately arrange your personal life. Divorce is not the end of the world. It's just a comma in your destiny. And then you “write” it in a new way.

If you are left alone with a child, then do not give him your whole life without reserve, without allowing him to take a step on his own. No one will hang a medal on you for this, but they can reproach you. And not only the child, when he grows up, but also those around him for raising “mimosa in botanical garden"(there are such poems by S. Mikhalkov).

Finally - an unusual technique

Let's do a thought experiment.

Imagine that you have the superpower to “read” men. It’s like Sherlock Holmes: you look at a man and you immediately know everything about him and understand what’s on his mind. You would hardly be reading this article now in search of a solution to your problem - you would not have any problems in your relationship at all.

And who said that this is impossible? Of course, you can’t read other people’s thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.

We advise you to pay attention to the master class from Nadezhda Mayer. She is a candidate psychological sciences, and her technique has helped many girls feel loved and receive gifts, attention and care.

If interested, you can sign up for a free webinar. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 seats specifically for visitors to our site.