Read the full story of the undergrowth. The same, Pravdin and Milon

Prostakov.

Ms. Prostakova, his wife.

Mitrofan, their son, a minor.

Eremeevna, Mitrofanova's mother.

Pravdin.

Starodum.

Sophia, Starodum's niece.

Milo.

Skotinin, brother of Mrs. Prostakova.

Kuteikin, seminarian.

Tsyfirkin, retired sergeant.

Vralman, teacher.

Trishka, tailor.

Servant Prostakova.

Valet Starodum.

Action in the village of Prostakovs.

Act one

Phenomenon I

Mrs. Prostakova, Mitrofan, Eremeevna.

Ms. Prostakova (examining the caftan on Mitrofan). The caftan is all ruined. Eremeevna, bring the swindler Trishka here. (Eremeevna leaves.) He, the thief, burdened him everywhere. Mitrofanushka, my friend! I'm guessing you're dying. Call your father here.

Mitrofan leaves.

Phenomenon II

Mrs. Prostakova, Eremeevna, Trishka.

Ms. Prostakova (Trishka). And you, brute, come closer. Didn’t I tell you, you thieving mug, that you should make your caftan wider? The first child grows; another, a child and without a narrow caftan of delicate build. Tell me, idiot, what is your excuse?

Trishka. But, madam, I was self-taught. I reported to you at the same time: well, if you please, give it to the tailor.

Mrs. Prostakova. So is it really necessary to be a tailor to be able to sew a caftan well? What bestial reasoning!

Trishka. Yes, I studied to be a tailor, madam, but I didn’t.

Mrs. Prostakova. While searching, he argues. A tailor learned from another, another from a third, but who did the first tailor learn from? Speak up, beast.

Trishka. Yes, the first tailor, perhaps, sewed worse than mine.

Mitrofan (runs in). I called my father. I deigned to say: immediately.

Mrs. Prostakova. So go and get him out if you don’t get the good stuff.

Mitrofan. Yes, here comes the father.

Scene III

Same with Prostakov.

Mrs. Prostakova. What, why do you want to hide from me? This, sir, is how far I have lived with your indulgence. What's a new thing for a son to do with his uncle's agreement? What kind of caftan did Trishka deign to sew?

Prostakov (stammering out of timidity). Me... a little baggy.

Mrs. Prostakova. You yourself are baggy, smart head.

Prostakov. Yes, I thought, mother, that it seemed so to you.

Mrs. Prostakova. Are you blind yourself?

Prostakov. With your eyes, mine see nothing.

Mrs. Prostakova. This is the kind of hubby the Lord gave me: he doesn’t know how to figure out what’s wide and what’s narrow.

Prostakov. In this, mother, I believed and believe you.

Mrs. Prostakova. So believe also that I do not intend to indulge the slaves. Go, sir, and punish now...

Phenomenon IV

Same with Skotinin.

Skotinin. Whom? For what? On the day of my conspiracy! I ask you, sister, for such a holiday to postpone the punishment until tomorrow; and tomorrow, if you please, I myself will willingly help. If I weren’t Taras Skotinin, if not every fault is my fault. In this, sister, I have the same custom as you. Why are you so angry?

Mrs. Prostakova. Well, brother, I’ll go crazy on your eyes. Mitrofanushka, come here. Is this caftan baggy?

Skotinin. No.

Prostakov. Yes, I can already see, mother, that it is narrow.

Skotinin. I don't see that either. The caftan, brother, is well made.

Ms. Prostakova (Trishka). Get out, you bastard. (Eremeevna.) Go ahead, Eremeevna, give the child breakfast. Vit, I’m having tea, the teachers will come soon.

Eremeevna. He already, mother, deigned to eat five buns.

Mrs. Prostakova. So you feel sorry for the sixth one, beast? What zeal! Please take a look.

Eremeevna. Cheers, mother. I said this for Mitrofan Terentyevich. I grieved until the morning.

Mrs. Prostakova. Ah, Mother of God! What happened to you, Mitrofanushka?

Mitrofan. Yes, mother. Yesterday after dinner it hit me.

Skotinin. Yes, it’s clear, brother, you had a hearty dinner.

Mitrofan. And I, uncle, almost didn’t have dinner at all.

Prostakov. I remember, my friend, you wanted to eat something.

Mitrofan. What! Three slices of corned beef, and hearth slices, I don’t remember, five, I don’t remember, six.

Eremeevna. Every now and then he asked for a drink at night. I deigned to eat a whole jug of kvass.

Mitrofan. And now I’m walking around like crazy. All night such rubbish was in my eyes.

Mrs. Prostakova. What rubbish, Mitrofanushka?

Mitrofan. Yes, either you, mother, or father.

Mrs. Prostakova. How is this possible?

Mitrofan. As soon as I start to fall asleep, I see that you, mother, deign to beat father.

Prostakov (to the side). Well, my bad! Sleep in hand!

Mitrofan (loosen up). So I felt sorry.

Ms. Prostakova (with annoyance). Who, Mitrofanushka?

Mitrofan. You, mother: you are so tired, beating your father.

Mrs. Prostakova. Surround me, my dear friend! Here, son, is my only consolation.

Skotinin. Well, Mitrofanushka, I see you are a mother’s son, not a father’s son!

Prostakov. At least I love him, as a parent should, he’s a smart child, he’s a sensible child, he’s funny, he’s an entertainer; sometimes I am beside myself with him and with joy I truly do not believe that he is my son.

Skotinin. Only now our funny man is standing there, frowning.

Mrs. Prostakova. Shouldn't we send for a doctor to the city?

Mitrofan. No, no, mother. I'd rather get better on my own. Now I’ll run to the dovecote, maybe…

Mrs. Prostakova. So maybe the Lord is merciful. Go and have some fun, Mitrofanushka.

Mitrofan and Eremeevna leave.

Phenomenon V

Ms. Prostakova, Prostakov, Skotinin.

Skotinin. Why can't I see my bride? Where is she? There will be an agreement in the evening, so isn’t it time to tell her that they are marrying her off?

CHARACTERS:
Prostakov.
Ms.* Prostakova, his wife.
Mitrofan, their son, is an undergrowth. **
Eremeevna, mother*** Mitrofanova.
Pravdin.
Starodum.
Sophia, Starodum's niece.
Milo.
Mr. Skotinin, brother of Mrs. Prostakova.
Kuteikin, seminarian.
Tsyfirkin, retired sergeant.
Vralman, teacher.
Trishka, tailor.
Prostakov's servant.
Starodum's valet.

Action in the village of Prostakovs.

* Ms. - an abbreviated spelling of the word "madam". Later it was accepted
the more common abbreviation is Ms.
** This was the official name given to nobles, mostly young, not
who received an education document and did not enter the service. Together
Moreover, the word "minor" meant any nobleman who had not reached
coming of age.
*** Mom, that is, the nurse.

ACT ONE

PHENOMENON I

Ms. Prostakova, Mitrofan, Eremeevna

Mrs. Prostakova (examining the caftan on Mitrofan). The whole caftan
spoiled. Eremeevna, bring the swindler Trishka here. (Eremeevna leaves.)
He, the thief, burdened him everywhere. Mitrofanushka, my friend, I’m having tea, it’s pressing you
of death. Call your father here.

Mitrofan leaves.

SCENE II

Ms. Prostakova, Eremeevna, Trishka

Mrs. Prostakova (Trishke). And you, brute, come closer. Didn't you say
I tell you, you thieving mug, to make your caftan wider. Child, first,
growing up, another, a child without a narrow caftan of delicate build.
Tell me, idiot, what is your excuse?
Trishka. But, madam, I was self-taught. I'll tell you then
reported: well, if you please, give it to the tailor.
Mrs. Prostakova. So is it really necessary to be a tailor in order to
know how to sew a caftan well. What bestial reasoning!
Trishka. But the tailor studied, madam, but I didn’t.
Mrs. Prostakova. He also argues. The tailor learned from another, another
The third one, and the first one, who did the tailor learn from? Speak up, beast.
Trishka. Yes, the first tailor, perhaps, sewed worse than mine.
Mitrofan (runs in). I called my father. I deigned to say: immediately.
Mrs. Prostakova. So go and get him out if you don’t get the good stuff.
Mitrofan. Yes, here comes the father.

SCENE III

The same and Prostakov

Mrs. Prostakova. What, why do you want to hide from me? Here, sir,
how far I have lived with your indulgence. What's a new thing for my son to get for his uncle?
collusion? What kind of caftan did Trishka deign to sew?
Prostakov (stammering out of timidity). A little baggy.
Mrs. Prostakova. You yourself are baggy, smart head.
Prostakov. Yes, I thought, mother, that it seemed so to you.
Mrs. Prostakova. Are you blind yourself?
Prostakov. With your eyes, mine see nothing.
Mrs. Prostakova. This is the kind of hubby God gave me: he doesn’t understand
figure out for yourself what is wide and what is narrow.
Prostakov. In this, mother, I believed you and still believe you.
Mrs. Prostakova. So believe also that I will not indulge the slaves
intends. Go, sir, and punish now...

PHENOMENA IV

Same with Skotinin

Skotinin. Whom? for what? On the day of my conspiracy! I ask you, sister,
for such a holiday, postpone the punishment until tomorrow; and tomorrow, if
If you please, I myself will be happy to help. If I weren’t Taras Skotinin, if I
Not every fault is to blame. In this, sister, I have the same custom as you.
Why are you so angry?
Mrs. Prostakova. Well, brother, I’ll go crazy on your eyes. Mitrofanushka,
Come here. Is this caftan baggy?
Skotinin. No.
Prostakov. Yes, I can already see, mother, that it is narrow.
Skotinin. I don't see that either. The caftan, brother, is well made.
Mrs. Prostakova (Trishke). Get out, you bastard. (Eremeevna.) Come on,
Eremeevna, give the child breakfast. After all, I’m having tea, and soon the teachers will
they will come.
Eremeevna. He already, mother, deigned to eat five buns.
Mrs. Prostakova. So you feel sorry for the sixth one, beast? What zeal!
Please take a look.
Eremeevna. Cheers, mother. I said this for Mitrofan
Terentyevich. I grieved until the morning.
Mrs. Prostakova. Oh, mother of God! What happened to you, Mitrofanushka?
Mitrofan. Yes, mother. Yesterday after dinner it hit me.
Skotinin. Yes, apparently, brother, you had a hearty dinner.
Mitrofan. And I, uncle, almost didn’t have dinner at all.
Prostakov. I remember, my friend, you wanted to eat something.
Mitrofan. What! Three slices of corned beef, but hearth, I don’t remember, five, no
I remember six.
Eremeevna. Every now and then he asked for a drink at night. A whole jug of kvass
deigned to eat.
Mitrofan. And now I’m walking around like crazy. The whole night is such rubbish in the eyes
climbed.
Mrs. Prostakova. What rubbish, Mitrofanushka?
Mitrofan. Yes, either you, mother, or father.
Mrs. Prostakova. How is this possible?
Mitrofan. As soon as I start to fall asleep, I see that you, mother, will
beat the priest.
Prostakov (aside). Well! my misfortune! sleep in hand!
Mitrofan (softened up). So I felt sorry.
Mrs. Prostakova (with annoyance). Who, Mitrofanushka?
Mitrofan. You, mother: you are so tired, beating your father.
Mrs. Prostakova. Surround me, my dear friend! Here's my son, one of mine
comfort.
Skotinin. Well, Mitrofanushka! You, I see, are a mother’s son, not a father’s son.
Prostakov. At least I love him like a parent should, that's why
a smart child, something reasonable, a funny man, an entertainer; sometimes I'm out of touch with him
myself, from joy I truly don’t believe that he is my son, Skotinin. Only
Now our funny man is standing there, frowning.
Mrs. Prostakova. Shouldn't we send for a doctor to the city?
Mitrofan. No, no, mother. I'd rather get better on my own. I'll run away
now to the dovecote, maybe...
Mrs. Prostakova. So maybe God is merciful. Go and have some fun
Mitrofanushka.

Mitrofan and Eremeevna leave.

PHENOMENA V

Ms. Prostakova, Prostakov, Skotinin

Skotinin. Why can't I see my bride? Where is she? It will be evening already
conspiracy, so isn’t it time to tell her that they are marrying her off?
Mrs. Prostakova. We'll make it, brother. If you tell her this ahead of time,
then she may still think that we are reporting to her. Although by husband
however, I am related to her; and I love that strangers listen to me.
Prostakov (to Skotinin). To tell the truth, we treated Sofyushka like
a real orphan. After her father she remained a baby. About six months ago
her mother, and my in-law, suffered a blow...
Mrs. Prostakova (shows as if she is baptizing her heart). The strength is with us
Godmother
Prostakov. From which she went to the next world. Her uncle, Mr.
Starodum, went to Siberia; and how for several years there was nothing about him
rumor or news, then we consider him dead. We, seeing that she
was left alone, we took her to our village and supervise her estate,
like over your own.
Mrs. Prostakova. Why are you so spoiled today, my father? More
my brother might think that we took her in for fun.
Prostakov. Well, mother, how should he think about this? After all, Sofyushkino
We cannot move real estate to ourselves.
Skotinin. And although the movable has been put forward, I am not a petitioner. I don't bother
I love it, but I’m also afraid. No matter how much my neighbors offended me, no matter how much I lost
did, I didn’t hit anyone with my forehead, but any loss, why go after it,
I’ll rip off my own peasants and end up in the water.
Prostakov. It's true, brother: the whole neighborhood says that you are a master
you collect rent.
Mrs. Prostakova. If only you could teach us, brother father; but we don't
we can. Since we took away everything the peasants had, nothing
We can’t rip it off anymore. Such a disaster!
Skotinin. Please, sister, I will teach you, I will teach you, just marry me
Sofyushka.
Mrs. Prostakova. Did you really like this girl that much?
Skotinin. No, it's not the girl I like.
Prostakov. So next door to her village?
Skotinin. And not the villages, but the fact that in the villages it is found even before
what is my mortal desire.
Mrs. Prostakova. Until what, brother?
Skotinin. I love pigs, sister, and in our neighborhood there are such big ones
pigs, that there is not one of them that, standing on its hind legs, was not
would be taller than each of us by a whole head.
Prostakov. It’s a strange thing, brother, how family can resemble family!
Our Mitrofanushka is just like his uncle - and he’s been the same since he was a pig
hunter, like you. When I was still three years old, it used to happen when I saw a pig,
will tremble with joy.
Skotinin. This is truly a curiosity! Well, brother, let Mitrofan love
pigs because he is my nephew. There is some similarity here;
Why am I so addicted to pigs?
Prostakov. And there is some similarity here. That's how I reason.

SCENE VI

Same with Sophia.
Sophia entered holding a letter in her hands and looking cheerful.

Mrs. Prostakova (Sofia). Why are you so happy, mother, why are you so happy?
Sophia. I have now received good news. Uncle, about whom so much
for a long time we knew nothing, whom I love and honor as my father,
I arrived in Moscow these days. Here is the letter I have from him now
received.
Mrs. Prostakova (frightened, with anger). How! Starodum, your uncle,
alive! And you deign to say that he has risen! That's a fair amount of fiction!
Sophia. Yes, he never died.
Mrs. Prostakova. Didn't die! But shouldn't he die? No,
madam, these are your inventions, in order to intimidate us with your uncle, so that
we gave you freedom. Uncle is a smart man; he, seeing me in strangers
hands, will find a way to help me out. That's what you're glad about, madam;
however, perhaps don’t have much fun; your uncle, of course not
resurrected.
Skotinin. Sister! Well, what if he didn’t die?
Prostakov. God forbid he didn't die!
Mrs. Prostakova (to her husband). How did you not die? Why are you confusing grandma? Isn't it
you don’t know that he’s been gone from me for several years now and is in memory of his repose
remembered? Surely my sinful prayers didn’t reach me! (To Sophia.)
Perhaps a letter for me. (Almost throws up.) I bet it
some kind of amorous. And I can guess from whom. This is from that officer
who was looking to marry you and whom you yourself wanted to marry. Yes
who is the beast who gives you letters without my asking! I'll get there. Here's to
What have you lived through? They write letters to girls! Girls can read and write!
Sophia. Read it yourself, madam. You'll see that nothing is more innocent
it can not be.
Mrs. Prostakova. Read it for yourself! No, madam, I, thank God,
I wasn't raised that way. I can receive letters, but I always order them to be read
to another. (To my husband.) Read.
Prostakov (staring for a long time). It's tricky.
Mrs. Prostakova. And you, my father, apparently were raised like a red
girl. Brother, try hard.
Skotinin. I haven't read anything since I was a child, sister! God saved me from this
boredom.
Sophia. Let me read it.
Mrs. Prostakova. Oh, mother! I know that you are a craftswoman, but not very dashing
I believe you. Here, I’m having tea, teacher Mitrofanushkin will come soon. I tell him...
Skotinin. Have you started teaching the youngster to read and write?
Mrs. Prostakova. Oh, dear brother! I've been studying for four years now.
There’s nothing, it’s a sin to say that we don’t try to educate Mitrofanushka.
We pay three teachers. A sexton comes to him for reading and writing purposes.
Pokrova, Kuteikin. A retired man teaches him arithmetic, father.
Sergeant Tsyfirkin. Both of them come here from the city. After all, the city comes from us
three miles away, father. A German teaches him French and all sciences.
Adam Adamych Vralman. This is three hundred rubles a year | We seat you at the table
with myself. Our women wash his linen. Wherever needed - a horse. At the table
a glass of wine. At night there is a tallow candle, and the wig is directed by our own Fomka
for nothing.
To tell the truth, we are happy with him, dear brother. He doesn't oppress the child.
After all, my father, while Mitrofanushka is still undergrowth, his sweat and
pamper yourself and then in ten years, when, God forbid, he enters the service,
will endure everything. How happiness is destined for anyone, brother. From our
look at the names of the Prostakovs, lying on their sides, flying to their ranks.**
Why is their Mitrofanushka worse? Bah! Yes, by the way, our dear one came here
guest

* Until.
** Nobles in the 18th century could receive ranks and titles without serving, being listed
on a multi-year vacation.

SCENE VII

The same and Pravdin

Mrs. Prostakova. Brother, my friend! I recommend to you dear guest
ours, Mr. Pravdin; and to you, my lord, I recommend brother
mine.
Pravdin. I am glad to have made your acquaintance.
Skotinin. Okay, my lord! what about the last name? I didn't hear enough.
Pravdin. I call myself Pravdin so you can hear.
Skotinin. Which native, my sir, where are the villages?
Pravdin. I was born in Moscow, if you need to know, and my villages
in the local governorship.
Skotinin. Do I dare ask, my sir, I don’t know my name and patronymic,
- Are there pigs in your villages?
Mrs. Prostakova. That's enough, brother, let's start about pigs. Let's talk
better about our grief. (To Pravdin.) Here, father! God told us to take
in your arms the girl. She deigns to receive letters from her uncles. To her with
uncles of the other world write. Do me a favor, my father, work hard,
read it out loud to all of us.
Pravdin. Excuse me, madam, I never read letters without
permission of those to whom they are written.
Sophia. I ask you this. You will do me a great favor.
Pravdin: If you order. (Reads.) “Dear niece! Things to do
mine forced me to live for several years in separation from my neighbors; A
the distance has deprived me of the pleasure of hearing from you! I'm now in
Moscow, having lived for several years in Siberia. I can serve as an example that
With hard work and honesty you can make your fortune. By these means, with
With God's help and happiness, I earned ten thousand rubles in income..."
Skotinin and both Prostakovs. Ten thousand!
Pravdin (reading). "Which, my dear niece, I make you
heiress..."
Mrs. Prostakova. You as heiress!
Prostakov. Sophia is the heiress!
Skotinin. Her heiress!
Mrs. Prostakova (rushing to hug Sophia) Congratulations, Sophia!
Congratulations, my soul! I'm overjoyed! Now you need a groom.
I, I best bride I don’t wish it for Mitrofanushka either. That's it, uncle! That's it, father
native! I myself still thought that God bless him, that he was still
Hello.
Skotinin (extending his hand). Well, sister, quickly deal with it.
Mrs. Prostakova (quietly to Skotinin). Wait, brother. First you need
ask her if she still wants to marry you?
Skotinin. How! What a question! Are you really going to report to her?
Pravdin. Will you allow me to finish reading the letter?
Skotinin. And for what? Yes, even if you read for five years, it’s not better than ten thousand.
you'll finish reading.
Mrs. Prostakova (to Sophia). Sophia, my soul! let's go to my place
bedroom I have an urgent need to talk to you. (Took Sophia away.)
Skotinin. Bah! So I see that it is unlikely that there will be any conspiracy today.

SCENE VIII

Pravdin, Prostakov, Skotinin, Servant

Servant (to Prostakov, out of breath). Master, master! the soldiers came
stopped in our village.
Prostakov. What a disaster! Well! They will ruin us completely.
Pravdin. What are you afraid of?
Prostakov. Oh, dear father! We've already seen the sights. I'll show up to them
I don't dare.
Pravdin. Do not be afraid. They are, of course, led by an officer who will not allow
not to the point of impudence. Come with me to him. I'm sure you're shy
in vain.

Pravdin, Prostakov and the servant leave.

Skotinin. Everyone left me alone. I should have gone for a walk at the barnyard
yard

End of the first act

Denis Fonvizin

Minor

Comedy in five acts

CHARACTERS

Prostakov.

Mrs. Prostakova, his wife.

Prostakov, their son, is an undergrowth.

Eremeevna, Mitrofanov’s mother.

Starodum.

Sophia, Starodum's niece.

Skotinin, brother of Mrs. Prostakova.

Kuteikin, seminarian.

Tsyfirkin, retired sergeant.

Vralman, teacher.

Trishka, tailor.

Prostakov's servant.

Starodum's valet.

Action in the village of Prostakovs.

ACT ONE

PHENOMENON I

Mrs. Prostakova, Mitrofan, Eremeevna.

Ms. Prostakova(examining the caftan on Mitrofan). The caftan is all ruined. Eremeevna, bring the swindler Trishka here. (Eremeevna leaves.) He, the thief, burdened him everywhere. Mitrofanushka, my friend! I'm guessing you're dying. Call your father here.

Mitrofan leaves.

SCENE II

Mrs. Prostakova, Eremeevna, Trishka.

Ms. Prostakova(Trishka). And you, brute, come closer. Didn’t I tell you, you thieving mug, that you should make your caftan wider? The first child grows; another, a child and without a narrow caftan of delicate build. Tell me, idiot, what is your excuse?

Trishka. But, madam, I was self-taught. I reported to you at the same time: well, if you please, give it to the tailor.

Mrs. Prostakova. So is it really necessary to be a tailor to be able to sew a caftan well? What bestial reasoning!

Trishka. Yes, I studied to be a tailor, madam, but I didn’t.

Mrs. Prostakova. While searching, he argues. A tailor learned from another, another from a third, but who did the first tailor learn from? Speak up, beast.

Trishka. Yes, the first tailor, perhaps, sewed worse than mine.

Mitrofan(runs in). I called my father. I deigned to say: immediately.

Mrs. Prostakova. So go and get him out if you don’t get the good stuff.

Mitrofan. Yes, here comes the father.

SCENE III

Same with Prostakov.

Mrs. Prostakova. What, why do you want to hide from me? This, sir, is how far I have lived with your indulgence. What's a new thing for a son to do with his uncle's agreement? What kind of caftan did Trishka deign to sew?

Prostakov(stammering out of timidity). Me... a little baggy.

Mrs. Prostakova. You yourself are baggy, smart head.

Prostakov. Yes, I thought, mother, that it seemed so to you.

Mrs. Prostakova. Are you blind yourself?

Prostakov. With your eyes, mine see nothing.

Mrs. Prostakova. This is the kind of hubby God blessed me with: he doesn’t know how to figure out what’s wide and what’s narrow.

Prostakov. In this, mother, I believed and believe you.

Mrs. Prostakova. So believe also that I do not intend to indulge the slaves. Go, sir, and punish now...

PHENOMENA IV

Same with Skotinin.

Skotinin. Whom? For what? On the day of my conspiracy! I ask you, sister, for such a holiday to postpone the punishment until tomorrow; and tomorrow, if you please, I myself will willingly help. If I weren’t Taras Skotinin, if not every fault is my fault. In this, sister, I have the same custom as you. Why are you so angry?

Mrs. Prostakova. Well, brother, I’ll go crazy on your eyes. Mitrofanushka, come here. Is this caftan baggy?

Skotinin. No.

Prostakov. Yes, I can already see, mother, that it is narrow.

Skotinin. I don't see that either. The caftan, brother, is well made.

Ms. Prostakova(Trishka). Get out, you bastard. (Eremeevna.) Go ahead, Eremeevna, give the child breakfast. Vit, I’m having tea, the teachers will come soon.

Eremeevna. He already, mother, deigned to eat five buns.

Mrs. Prostakova. So you feel sorry for the sixth one, beast? What zeal! Please take a look.

Eremeevna. Cheers, mother. I said this for Mitrofan Terentyevich. I grieved until the morning.

Mrs. Prostakova. Oh, mother of God! What happened to you, Mitrofanushka?

Mitrofan. Yes, mother. Yesterday after dinner it hit me.

Skotinin. Yes, it’s clear, brother, you had a hearty dinner.

Mitrofan. And I, uncle, almost didn’t have dinner at all.

Prostakov. I remember, my friend, you wanted to eat something.

Mitrofan. What! Three slices of corned beef, and hearth slices, I don’t remember, five, I don’t remember, six.

Eremeevna. Every now and then he asked for a drink at night. I deigned to eat a whole jug of kvass.

Mitrofan. And now I’m walking around like crazy. All night such rubbish was in my eyes.

Mrs. Prostakova. What rubbish, Mitrofanushka?

Mitrofan. Yes, either you, mother, or father.

Mrs. Prostakova. How is this possible?

Mitrofan. As soon as I start to fall asleep, I see that you, mother, deign to beat father.

Prostakov(to the side). Well, my bad! Sleep in hand!

Mitrofan(softening up). So I felt sorry.

Ms. Prostakova(with annoyance). Who, Mitrofanushka?

Mitrofan. You, mother: you are so tired, beating your father.

Mrs. Prostakova. Surround me, my dear friend! Here, son, is my only consolation.

Skotinin. Well, Mitrofanushka, I see you are a mother’s son, not a father’s son!

Prostakov. At least I love him, as a parent should, he’s a smart child, he’s a sensible child, he’s funny, he’s an entertainer; sometimes I am beside myself with him and with joy I truly do not believe that he is my son.

Skotinin. Only now our funny man is standing there, frowning.

Mrs. Prostakova. Shouldn't we send for a doctor to the city?

Mitrofan. No, no, mother. I'd rather get better on my own. Now I’ll run to the dovecote, maybe…

Mrs. Prostakova. So maybe God is merciful. Go and have some fun, Mitrofanushka.

Mitrofan and Eremeevna enter.

PHENOMENA V

Ms. Prostakova, Prostakov, Skotinin.

Skotinin. Why can't I see my bride? Where is she? There will be an agreement in the evening, so isn’t it time to tell her that they are marrying her off?

Mrs. Prostakova. We'll make it, brother. If we tell her this ahead of time, she may still think that we are reporting to her. Although by marriage, I am still related to her; and I love that strangers listen to me.

Prostakov(Skotinin). To tell the truth, we treated Sophia like an orphan. After their father, they remained a baby. About six months ago, her mother, and my in-law, had a stroke...

Ms. Prostakova(showing as if he is baptizing his heart). The power of the god is with us.

Prostakov. From which she went to the next world. Her uncle, Mr. Starodum, went to Siberia; and since there has been no rumor or news of him for several years now, we consider him dead. We, seeing that she was left alone, took her to our village and look after her estate as if it were our own.

Mrs. Prostakova. What, why have you gone so crazy today, my father? Looking for a brother, he might think that we took her to us out of interest.

Prostakov. Well, mother, how should he think about this? After all, we can’t move Sofyushkino’s real estate estate to ourselves.

Skotinin. And although the movable has been put forward, I am not a petitioner. I don’t like to bother, and I’m afraid. No matter how much my neighbors offended me, no matter how much loss they caused, I did not attack anyone, and any loss, rather than going after it, I would rip off from my own peasants, and the ends would go to waste.

Prostakov. It’s true, brother: the whole neighborhood says that you are a master at collecting rent.

Mrs. Prostakova. At least you taught us, brother father; but we just can’t do it. Since we took away everything the peasants had, we can’t take anything back. Such a disaster!

Skotinin. Please, sister, I will teach you, I will teach you, just marry me to Sophia.

Mrs. Prostakova. Did you really like this girl that much?

Skotinin. No, it's not the girl I like.

Prostakov. So next door to her village?

Skotinin. And not the villages, but the fact that it is found in the villages and what my mortal desire is.

Mrs. Prostakova. Until what, brother?

Skotinin. I love pigs, sister, and in our neighborhood there are such large pigs that there is not a single one of them that, standing on its hind legs, would not be taller than each of us by a whole head.

Prostakov. It’s a strange thing, brother, how family can resemble family. Mitrofanushka is our uncle. And he was a hunter of pigs, just like you. When I was still three years old, when I saw a pig, I used to tremble with joy.

Skotinin. This is truly a curiosity! Well, brother, Mitrofan loves pigs because he is my nephew. There is some similarity here; Why am I so addicted to pigs?

Prostakov. And there is some similarity here, I think so.

SCENE VI

Same with Sophia.

Sophia came in holding a letter in her hand and looking cheerful.

Ms. Prostakova(Sofya). Why are you so happy, mother? What are you happy about?

Sophia. I have now received joyful information. My uncle, about whom we knew nothing for so long, whom I love and honor as my father, recently arrived in Moscow. Here is the letter I have now received from him.

Ms. Prostakova(frightened, with anger). How! Starodum, your uncle, is alive! And you deign to say that he has risen! That's a fair amount of fiction!

Sophia. Yes, he never died.

Mrs. Prostakova. Didn't die! But shouldn't he die? No, madam, these are your inventions, in order to intimidate us with your uncle, so that we give you freedom. Uncle is a smart man; he, seeing me in the wrong hands, will find a way to help me out. That's what you're glad about, madam; However, perhaps, don’t be very happy: your uncle, of course, did not resurrect.

Skotinin. Sister, what if he didn’t die?

Prostakov. God forbid he didn't die!

Ms. Prostakova(to my husband). How did you not die? Why are you confusing grandma? Don’t you know that for several years now he has been commemorated by me in memorials for his repose? Surely my sinful prayers didn’t reach me! (To Sophia.) Perhaps a letter for me. (Almost throws up.) I bet it's some kind of amorous. And I can guess from whom. This is from the officer who was looking to marry you and whom you yourself wanted to marry. What a beast gives you letters without my asking! I'll get there. This is what we have come to. They write letters to the girls! The girls can read and write!)

Sophia. Read it yourself, madam. You will see that nothing could be more innocent.

Mrs. Prostakova. Read it for yourself! No, madam, thank God, I was not brought up like that. I can receive letters, but I always tell someone else to read them. (To my husband.) Read.

Prostakov(looks for a long time). It's tricky.

Mrs. Prostakova. And you, my father, were apparently raised like a pretty girl. Brother, read it, work hard.

Skotinin. I? I haven't read anything in my life, sister! God saved me from this boredom.

Sophia. Let me read it.

Mrs. Prostakova. Oh mother! I know that you are a craftswoman, but I don’t really believe you. Here, I’m having tea, teacher Mitrofanushkin will come soon. I tell him...

Skotinin. Have you started teaching the youngster to read and write?

Mrs. Prostakova. Oh, dear brother! I've been studying for four years now. There’s nothing, it’s a sin to say that we don’t try to educate Mitrofanushka. We pay three teachers. The sexton from Pokrov, Kuteikin, comes to him to read and write. A retired sergeant, Tsyfirkits, teaches him arithmetics, father. Both of them come here from the city. The city is three miles away from us, father. He is taught French and all sciences by the German Adam Adamych Vralman. This is three hundred rubles a year. We seat you at the table with us. Our women wash his linen. Where needed - a horse. There is a glass of wine at the table. At night there is a tallow candle, and our Fomka sends the wig for free. To tell the truth, we are happy with him, dear brother. He does not bondage the child. Vit, my father, while Mitrofanushka is still undergrowth, sweat and pamper him; and there, in ten years, when he enters, God forbid, into the service, he will suffer everything. As for anyone, happiness is destined for them, brother. From our family of Prostakovs, look, lying on their sides, ranks fly to themselves. Why is their Mitrofanushka worse? Bah! Yes, by the way, our dear guest came here.

SCENE VII

Same with Pravdin.

Mrs. Prostakova. Brother, my friend! I recommend to you our dear guest, Mr. Pravdin; and to you, my lord, I recommend my brother.

Pravdin. I am glad to have made your acquaintance.

Skotinin. Okay, my lord! As for the last name, I didn’t hear it.

Pravdin. I call myself Pravdin so you can hear.

Skotinin. Which native, my lord? Where are the villages?

Pravdin. I was born in Moscow, if you need to know, and my villages are in the local governorship.

Skotinin. Do I dare ask, my sir—I don’t know my first and patronymic—if there are pigs in your villages?

Mrs. Prostakova. That's enough, brother, let's start about pigs. Let's talk better about our grief. (To Pravdin.) Here, father! God told us to take the girl into our arms. She deigns to receive letters from her uncles. Uncles write to her from the other world. Do me a favor, my father, take the trouble to read it out loud to all of us.

Pravdin. Excuse me, madam. I never read letters without the permission of those to whom they are written.

Sophia. I ask you this. You will do me a great favor.

Pravdin. If you order. (Is reading.)“Dear niece! My affairs forced me to live for several years in separation from my neighbors; and the distance deprived me of the pleasure of hearing about you. I am now in Moscow, having lived in Siberia for several years. I can serve as an example that you can make your own fortune through hard work and honesty. By these means, with the help of happiness, I earned ten thousand rubles in income...”

Skotinin and both Prostakovs. Ten thousand!

Pravdin(is reading).“...to whom, my dear niece, I make you heir...”

Ms. Prostakova, Prostakov, Skotinin(together):

-Your heiress!

- Sophia is the heiress!

- Her heiress!

Ms. Prostakova(rushing to hug Sophia). Congratulations, Sofyushka! Congratulations, my soul! I'm overjoyed! Now you need a groom. I, I don’t wish for a better bride for Mitrofanushka. That's it, uncle! That's my dear father! I myself still thought that God protects him, that he is still alive.

Skotinin(extending his hand). Well, sister, quickly shake hands.

Ms. Prostakova(quietly to Skotinin). Wait, brother. First you need to ask her if she still wants to marry you?

Skotinin. How! What a question! Are you really going to report to her?

Skotinin. And for what? Even if you read for five years, you won’t get better than ten thousand.

Ms. Prostakova(to Sophia). Sophia my soul! let's go to my bedroom. I have an urgent need to talk to you. (Took Sophia away.)

Skotinin. Bah! So I see that today it is unlikely that there will be any agreement.

SCENE VIII

Pravdin, Prostakov, Skotinin, servant.

Servant(to Prostakov, out of breath). Master! master! soldiers came and stopped in our village.

Prostakov. What a disaster! Well, they will ruin us completely!

Pravdin. What are you afraid of?

Prostakov. Oh, dear father! We've already seen the sights. I don’t dare show up to them.

Pravdin. Do not be afraid. They are, of course, led by an officer who will not allow any insolence. Come with me to him. I am sure that you are timid in vain.

Pravdin, Prostakov and the servant leave.

Skotinin. Everyone left me alone. The idea was to go for a walk in the barnyard.

End of the first act.

ACT TWO

PHENOMENON I

Pravdin, Milon.

Milo. How glad I am, my dear friend, that I accidentally met you! Tell me in what case...

Pravdin. As a friend, I will tell you the reason for my stay here. I have been appointed a member of the local governorship. I have orders to travel around the local district; and besides, out of my own deed of heart, I do not allow myself to notice those malicious ignoramuses who, having complete power over their people, use it inhumanly for evil. You know the way of thinking of our governor. With what zeal does he help suffering humanity! With what zeal does he thus fulfill the philanthropic forms of the highest power! In our region we ourselves have experienced that where the governor is such as the governor is depicted in the Institution, there the welfare of the inhabitants is true and reliable. I've been living here for three days now. He found the landowner an infinite fool, and his wife a despicable fury, whose hellish disposition brings misfortune to their entire house. Are you thinking, my friend, tell me, how long did you stay here?

Milo. I'm leaving here in a few hours.

Pravdin. What's so soon? Have a rest.

Milo. I can not. I was ordered to lead the soldiers without delay... yes, moreover, I myself am eager to be in Moscow.

Pravdin. What is the reason?

Milo. I will tell you the secret of my heart, dear friend! I am in love and have the happiness of being loved. For more than six months I have been separated from the one who is dearer to me than anything else in the world, and what is even sadder is that I have not heard anything about her during all this time. Often, attributing the silence to her coldness, I was tormented by grief; but suddenly I received news that shocked me. They write to me that, after the death of her mother, some distant relatives took her to their villages. I don’t know: neither who, nor where. Perhaps she is now in the hands of some selfish people who, taking advantage of her orphanhood, are keeping her in tyranny. This thought alone makes me beside myself.

Pravdin. I see similar inhumanity in the house here. I am striving, however, to soon put limits on the wife’s malice and the husband’s stupidity. I have already notified our boss about all the local barbarities and I have no doubt that measures will be taken to calm them down.

Milo. Happy are you, my friend, being able to alleviate the fate of the unfortunate. I don’t know what to do in my sad situation.

Pravdin. Let me ask about her name.

Milo(excited). A! here she is.

SCENE II

Same with Sophia.

Sophia(in admiration). Milon! Do I see you?

Pravdin. What happiness!

Milo. This is the one who owns my heart. Dear Sophia! Tell me, how do I find you here?

Sophia. How many sorrows have I endured since the day of our separation! My unscrupulous relatives...

Pravdin. My friend! don’t ask about what is so sad for her... You will learn from me what rudeness...

Milo. Unworthy people!

Sophia. Today, however, for the first time the local hostess changed her behavior towards me. Hearing that my uncle was making me an heiress, she suddenly turned from being rude and scolding to the point of being affectionate to the point of being mean, and I can see from all her circumlocutions that she intends me to be his son’s bride.

Milo(eagerly). And you didn’t show her complete contempt at the same time?...

Sophia. No…

Milo. And you didn’t tell her that you had a commitment from the heart, that...

Sophia. No…

Milo. A! now I see my destruction. My opponent is happy! I do not deny all the merits in it. He may be reasonable, enlightened, kind; but so that you can compare with me in my love for you, so that...

Sophia(grinning). My God! If you saw him, your jealousy would drive you to the extreme!

Milo(indignantly). I imagine all its virtues.

Sophia. You can’t even imagine everyone. Although he is sixteen years old, he has already reached the last degree of his perfection and will not go any further.

Pravdin. How can it not go further, madam? He finishes his book of hours; and there, one must think, they will begin to read the psalter.

Milo. How! This is my opponent! And, dear Sophia, why do you torment me with a joke? You know how easily a passionate person is upset by the slightest suspicion.

Sophia. Think how miserable my condition is! I couldn’t answer this stupid proposal decisively. In order to get rid of their rudeness, in order to have some freedom, I was forced to hide my feelings.

Milo. What did you answer her?

Here Skotinin walks through the theater, lost in thought, and no one sees him.

Sophia. I said that my fate depended on my uncle’s will, that he himself promised to come here in his letter, which (to Pravdin) Mr. Skotinin did not allow you to finish reading.

Milo. Skotinin!

Skotinin. I!

SCENE III

Same with Skotinin.

Pravdin. How did you sneak up, Mr. Skotinin! I would not expect this from you.

Skotinin. I passed by you. I heard that they were calling me, and I responded. I have this custom: whoever screams - Skotinin! And I told him: I am! What are you, brothers, really? I myself served in the guard and was retired as a corporal. It used to be that at the roll call they would shout: Taras Skotinin! And I’m at the top of my lungs: I am!

Pravdin. We didn’t call you now, and you can go where you were going.

Skotinin. I wasn’t going anywhere, but wandering around, lost in thought. I have such a custom that if I put something into my head, I can’t knock it out with a nail. In my mind, you hear, what came into my mind is stuck here. That’s all I think about, that’s all I see in a dream, as if in reality, and in reality, as in a dream.

Pravdin. Why would you be so interested now?

Skotinin. Oh, brother, you are my dear friend! Miracles are happening to me. My sister quickly took me from my village to hers, and if she just as quickly takes me from her village to mine, then I can say with a clear conscience before the whole world: I went for nothing, I brought nothing.

Pravdin. What a pity, Mr. Skotinin! Your sister plays with you like a ball.

Skotinin(angry). How about a ball? God forbid! Yes, I myself will throw it so that the whole village will not find it in a week.

Sophia. Oh, how angry you are!

Milo. What happened to you?

Skotinin. You yourself, clever man, think about it. My sister brought me here to get married. Now she herself came up with a challenge: “What do you want, brother, in a wife; If only you, brother, had a good pig.” No, sister! I want to have my own piglets. It's not easy to fool me.

Pravdin. It seems to me myself, Mr. Skotinin, that your sister is thinking about a wedding, but not about yours.

Skotinin. What a parable! I am not a hindrance to anyone else. Everyone should marry his bride. I won’t touch someone else’s, and don’t touch mine. (Sofya.) Don't worry, darling. No one will interrupt you from me.

Sophia. What does it mean? Here's something new!

Milo(screamed). What audacity!

Skotinin(to Sophia). Why are you afraid?

Pravdin(to Milan). How can you be angry with Skotinin!

Sophia(Skotinin). Am I really destined to be your wife?

Milo. I can hardly resist!

Skotinin. You can’t beat your betrothed with a horse, darling! It's a sin to blame for your own happiness. You will live happily ever after with me. Ten thousand to your income! Eco happiness has arrived; Yes, I have never seen so much since I was born; Yes, I will buy all the pigs from the world with them; Yes, you hear me, I’ll do it so that everyone will blow the trumpet: in this little area around here there are only pigs to live.

Pravdin. When only our cattle can be happy, then your wife will have bad peace from them and from us.

Skotinin. Poor peace! bah! bah! bah! Don't I have enough light rooms? I’ll give her a coal stove and a bed for her alone. You are my dear friend! If now, without seeing anything, I have a special peck for each pig, then I’ll find a light for my wife.

Milo. What a bestial comparison!

Pravdin(Skotinin). Nothing will happen, Mr. Skotinin! I will tell you that your sister will read it for her son.

Skotinin. How! The nephew should interrupt his uncle! Yes, I’ll break him like hell at the first meeting. Well, if I’m a pig’s son, if I’m not her husband, or Mitrofan is a freak.

PHENOMENA IV

The same ones, Eremeevna and Mitrofan.

Eremeevna. Yes, learn at least a little.

Mitrofan. Well, say another word, you old bastard! I’ll finish them off; I’ll complain to my mother again, so she’ll deign to give you a task like yesterday.

Skotinin. Come here, buddy.

Eremeevna. Please approach your uncle.

Mitrofan. Hello, uncle! Why are you so bristling?

Skotinin. Mitrofan! Look at me straighter.

Eremeevna. Look, father.

Mitrofan(Eremeevna). Yes, uncle, what kind of incredible thing is this? What will you see on it?

Skotinin. Once again: look at me straighter.

Eremeevna. Don't anger your uncle. Look, father, look at how his eyes are wide open, and you can open yours the same way.

Skotinin and Mitrofan, their eyes bulging, look at each other.

Milo. That's a pretty good explanation!

Pravdin. Will it end somewhere?

Skotinin. Mitrofan! You are now within a hair's breadth of death. Tell the whole truth; If I weren’t afraid of sin, I would have grabbed you by the legs and into the corner without saying a word. Yes, I don’t want to destroy souls without finding the culprit.

Eremeevna(trembled). Oh, he's leaving! Where should my head go?

Mitrofan. Why, uncle, have you eaten too much henbane? Yes, I don’t know why you deigned to attack me.

Skotinin. Be careful, don’t deny it, so that I don’t knock the wind out of you in my heart at once. You can't help yourself here. My sin. Blame God and the sovereign. Be careful not to rivet yourself, so as not to take a needless beating.

Eremeevna. God forbid vain lies!

Skotinin. Do you want to get married?

Mitrofan(softening up). It's been a long time since I started hunting, uncle...

Skotinin(throwing himself at Mitrofan). Oh, you damned pig!...

Pravdin(not allowing Skotinin). Mr. Skotinin! Don't give your hands free rein.

Mitrofan. Mommy, shield me!

Eremeevna(shielding Mitrofan, becoming furious and raising his fists). I’ll die on the spot, but I won’t give up the child. Show up, sir, just kindly show up. I'll scratch out those thorns.

Skotinin(trembling and threatening, he leaves). I'll get you there!

Eremeevna(trembling, following). I have my own grips sharp!

Mitrofan(following Skotinin). Get out, uncle, get out.

PHENOMENA V

The same and both Prostakovs.

Ms. Prostakova(to my husband, walking). There is nothing to distort here. All this century, sir, you've been walking around with your ears hurt.

Prostakov. Yes, he and Pravdin disappeared from my eyes. What is my fault?

Ms. Prostakova(to Milan). Ah, my father! Mr. Officer! I was now looking for you all over the village; I knocked my husband off his feet to bring you, father, the lowest gratitude for your good command.

Milo. For what, madam?

Mrs. Prostakova. Why, my father! The soldiers are so kind. Until now, no one has touched a hair. Don’t be angry, my father, that my freak missed you. From birth he doesn’t know how to treat anyone. I was born so young, my father.

Milo. I don't blame you at all, madam.

Mrs. Prostakova. He, my father, is suffering from what we call here, tetanus. Sometimes, with his eyes wide open, he stands rooted to the spot for an hour. I didn’t do anything with him; what he couldn’t put up with from me! You won't get through anything. If the tetanus goes away, then, my father, it will become so bad that you ask God for tetanus again.

Pravdin. At least, madam, you cannot complain about his evil disposition. He is humble...

Mrs. Prostakova. Like a calf, my father; That’s why everything in our house is spoiled. It doesn’t make sense to him that there should be strictness in the house, to punish in the way of the guilty. I manage everything myself, father. From morning to evening, like someone hanged by the tongue, I don’t lay down my hands: I scold, I fight; This is how the house holds together, my father.

Pravdin(to the side). Soon he will behave differently.

Mitrofan. And today my mother deigned to spend the entire morning busy with the slaves.

Ms. Prostakova(to Sophia). I was cleaning the chambers for your dear uncle. I'm dying, I want to see this venerable old man. I've heard a lot about him. And his villains only say that he is a little gloomy, and so reasonable, and if he loves someone, he will love him directly.

Pravdin. And whoever he dislikes, he bad person. (To Sophia.) I myself have the honor of knowing your uncle. And, moreover, I heard things about him from many that instilled in my soul true respect for him. What is called sullenness and rudeness in him is one effect of his straightforwardness. From birth his tongue did not speak Yes, when the soul felt it No.

Sophia. But he had to earn his happiness through hard work.

Mrs. Prostakova. God's mercy is upon us that we succeeded. I wish for nothing more than his fatherly mercy towards Mitrofanushka. Sophia, my soul! Would you like to look at your uncle's room?

Sophia leaves.

Ms. Prostakova(to Prostakov). I'm gaping again, my father; yes, sir, please see her off. My legs didn't go away.

Prostakov(leaving). They didn’t weaken, but they gave way.

Ms. Prostakova(to guests). My only concern, my only joy is Mitrofanushka. My age is passing. I'm preparing him for people.

Here Kuteikin appears with a book of hours, and Tsyfirkin with a slate board and a stylus. Both of them ask Eremeevna with signs: should I come in? She beckons them, but Mitrofan waves them away.

Ms. Prostakova(not seeing them, continues). Perhaps the Lord is merciful, and happiness is destined for him.

Pravdin. Look around, madam, what is happening behind you?

Mrs. Prostakova. A! This, father, is Mitrofanushkin’s teachers, Sidorich Kuteikin...

Eremeevna. And Pafnutich Tsyfirkin.

Mitrofan(to the side). Shot them with Eremeevna too.

Kuteikin. Peace to the lord's house and many years of joy to the children and household.

Tsyfirkin. We wish your honor to live a hundred years, yes twenty, and even fifteen. Countless years.

Milo. Bah! This is our serving brother! Where did it come from, my friend?

Tsyfirkin. There was a garrison, your honor! And now I’ve gone clean.

Milo. What do you eat?

Tsyfirkin. Yes, somehow, your honor! I indulge in a little bit of arithmetics, so I eat in the city near the clerks at the counting departments. God has not revealed science to everyone: so those who don’t understand it themselves hire me to either believe it or sum it up. That's what I eat; I don’t like to live idly. I teach children in my spare time. So their nobleness and the guy have been struggling with broken parts for three years, but something doesn’t stick well; Well, it’s true, man doesn’t come to man.

Mrs. Prostakova. What? Why are you lying, Pafnutich? I didn't listen.

Tsyfirkin. So. I reported to his honor that in ten years you cannot hammer into another stump what another catches in flight.

Pravdin(to Kuteikin). And you, Mr. Kuteikin, aren’t you one of the scientists?

Kuteikin. Of the scientists, your honor! Seminaries of the local diocese. I went as far as rhetoric, but God willing, I came back. He submitted a petition to the consistory, in which he wrote: “Such and such a seminarian, one of the church’s children, fearing the abyss of wisdom, asks her for dismissal.” To which a merciful resolution soon followed, with the note: “Such and such a seminarian should be dismissed from all teaching: for it is written, do not cast pearls before swine, lest they trample him underfoot.”

Mrs. Prostakova. Where is our Adam Adamych?

Eremeevna. I tried to push myself towards him, but forcibly carried away my legs. Pillar of smoke, my mother! Damn, he strangled him with tobacco. Such a sinner.

Kuteikin. Empty, Eremeevna! There is no sin in smoking tobacco.

Pravdin(to the side). Kuteikin is also smart!

Kuteikin. Many books allow it: in the psalter it is precisely printed: “And the grain is for the service of man.”

Pravdin. Well, where else?

Kuteikin. And in another psalter the same thing is printed. Our archpriest has a small one in eighth, and the same in that one.

Pravdin(to Mrs. Prostakova). I don’t want to interfere with your son’s exercises; humble servant.

Milo. Neither do I, madam.

Mrs. Prostakova. Where are you going, my lords?...

Pravdin. I'll take him to my room. Friends who haven't seen each other for a long time have a lot to talk about.

Mrs. Prostakova. Where would you like to eat, with us or in your room? We just had our own family at the table, with Sophia...

Milo. With you, with you, madam.

Pravdin. We will both have this honor.

SCENE VI

Mrs. Prostakova, Eremeevna, Mitrofan, Kuteikin and Tsyfirkin.

Mrs. Prostakova. Well, now at least read your backs in Russian, Mitrofanushka.

Mitrofan. Yes, butts, why not?

Mrs. Prostakova. Live and learn, my dear friend! Such a thing.

Mitrofan. How could it not be! Study will come to mind. You should bring your uncles here too!

Mrs. Prostakova. What? What's happened?

Mitrofan. Yes! Look at the melancholy from your uncle; and there from his fists and for the book of hours. No, thank you, I’m already done with myself!

Ms. Prostakova(frightened). What, what do you want to do? Come to your senses, darling!

Mitrofan. Vit is here and the river is close. I’ll dive, so remember my name.

Ms. Prostakova(beside myself). Killed me! Killed me! God be with you!

Eremeevna. Uncle scared everyone. I almost grabbed him by the hairs. And for nothing... about nothing...

Ms. Prostakova(in anger). Well…

Eremeevna. I pestered him: do you want to get married?...

Mrs. Prostakova. Well…

Eremeevna. The child didn’t hide it, it’s been a long time since he started hunting, uncle. How he will become furious, my mother, how he will throw himself up!...

Ms. Prostakova(trembling). Well... and you, beast, were dumbfounded, and you didn’t dig into your brother’s mug, and you didn’t tear his snout head over heels...

Eremeevna. I accepted it! Oh, I accepted, yes...

Mrs. Prostakova. Yes... yes what... not your child, you beast! For you, at least kill the little kid to death.

Eremeevna. Ah, creator, save and have mercy! If my brother hadn’t deigned to leave at that very moment, I would have broken down with him. That's what God wouldn't order. These would become dull (pointing to nails) I wouldn’t even save the fangs.

Mrs. Prostakova. All of you, beasts, are zealous in words alone, but not in deeds...

Eremeevna(crying). I'm not zealous for you, mother! You don’t know how to serve anymore... I would be glad if nothing else... you don’t regret your stomach... but you don’t want everything.

Kuteikin, Tsyfirkin(together):

-Will you tell us to go home?

-Where should we go, your honor?

Mrs. Prostakova. Are you still old witch, and burst into tears. Go and feed them with you, and after lunch immediately come back here. (To Mitrofap.) Come with me, Mitrofanushka. I won't let you out of my sight now. As soon as I tell you, little one, you will love to live in the world. It’s not a century for you, my friend, it’s not a century for you to learn. Thank God, you already understand so much that you can raise the kids yourself. (To Eremeevna.) I won’t talk to my brother your way. Let everything good people they will see that it is mother and that mother is dear. (He leaves with Mitrofan.)

Kuteikin. Your life, Eremeevna, is like pitch darkness. Let's go to dinner, and drink a glass of grief first...

Tsyfirkin. And there’s another one, and that’s multiplication.

Eremeevna(in tears). The difficult one won't clean me up! I have been serving for forty years, but the mercy is still the same...

Kuteikin. Is charity great?

Eremeevna. Five rubles a year, and five slaps a day.

Kuteikin and Tsyfirkin take her by the arms.

Tsyfirkin. Let’s figure out at the table what your income is all year round.

End of the second act.

ACT THREE

PHENOMENON I

Starodum and Pravdin.

Pravdin. As soon as they got up from the table and I went to the window and saw your carriage, then, without telling anyone, I ran out to meet you and hug you with all my heart. My sincere respect to you...

Starodum. It is precious to me. Trust me.

Pravdin. Your friendship for me is all the more flattering because you cannot have it for others except such...

Starodum. What are you like? I speak without ranks. The ranks begin - sincerity ceases.

Pravdin. Write a greeting...

Starodum. Many people laugh at him. I know it. Be so. My father raised me the way he did then, but I didn’t even find the need to re-educate myself. He served Peter the Great. Then one person was called You, but not You. Back then they didn’t yet know how to infect so many people that everyone would consider themselves to be many. But nowadays many are not worth one. My father at the court of Peter the Great...

Pravdin. And I heard that he is in military service...

Starodum. In that century, courtiers were warriors, but warriors were not courtiers. My father gave me the best education in that century. At that time there were few ways to learn, and they still didn’t know how to fill an empty head with someone else’s mind.

Pravdin. Education at that time really consisted of several rules...

Starodum. In one. My father constantly repeated the same thing to me: have a heart, have a soul, and you will be a man at all times. There is fashion for everything else: fashion for minds, fashion for knowledge, no matter how buckles or buttons.

Pravdin. You speak the truth. The direct dignity of a person is the soul...

Starodum. Without her, the most enlightened, clever woman is a pitiful creature. (With feeling.) An ignoramus without a soul is a beast. The smallest deed leads him into every crime. Between what he does and what he does for, he has no weight. From such and such animals I came to free...

Pravdin. Your niece. I know it. She is here. Let's go to…

Starodum. Wait. My heart is still seething with indignation at the unworthy act of the local owners. Let's stay here for a few minutes. My rule is: don’t start anything in the first movement.

Pravdin. Rare people know how to observe your rule.

Starodum. The experiences of my life have taught me this. Oh, if I had previously been able to control myself, I would have had the pleasure of serving my fatherland longer.

Pravdin. How? Incidents with a person of your qualities cannot be indifferent to anyone. You would do me a huge favor if you told me...

Starodum. I don’t hide them from anyone so that others in a similar position will be smarter than me. Entered military service, I met a young count whose name I don’t even want to remember. He was younger than me in service, the son of an accidental father, brought up in great society and had a special opportunity to learn something that was not yet included in our upbringing. I used all my strength to gain his friendship in order to compensate for the shortcomings of my upbringing by always treating him. At the very time when our mutual friendship was being established, we accidentally heard that war had been declared. I rushed to hug him with joy. “Dear Count! here is a chance for us to distinguish ourselves. Let us immediately join the army and become worthy of the title of nobleman that our breed has given us.” Suddenly my count frowned heavily and, hugging me, dryly: “Happy journey to you,” he said to me, “and I caress that my father will not want to part with me.” Nothing can compare with the contempt that I felt for him at that very moment. Then I saw that between casual people and respectable people there is sometimes an immeasurable difference, that in the great world there are very small souls and that with great enlightenment one can be very stingy.

Pravdin. The absolute truth.

Starodum. Leaving him, I immediately went where my position called me. On many occasions I have distinguished myself. My wounds prove that I didn’t miss them. The good opinion of the commanders and the army about me was a flattering reward of my service, when suddenly I received the news that the count, my former acquaintance, whom I disdained to remember, had been promoted to rank, and I had been passed over, I, who was then lying from wounds in a serious illness. Such injustice tore my heart, and I immediately resigned.

Pravdin. What else should be done?

Starodum. I had to come to my senses. I did not know how to guard against the first movements of my irritated curiosity. My ardor did not allow me to judge then that a truly inquisitive person is jealous of deeds, and not of rank; that ranks are often begged for, but true respect must be earned; that it is much more honest to be bypassed without guilt than to be rewarded without merit.

Pravdin. But isn’t a nobleman allowed to resign under any circumstances?

Starodum. In only one thing: when he is internally convinced that serving his fatherland does not bring direct benefit. A! then go.

Pravdin. You make one feel the true essence of the position of a nobleman.

Starodum. Having accepted my resignation, I came to St. Petersburg. Then blind chance led me in a direction that never even occurred to me.

Pravdin. Where to?

Starodum. To the yard. They took me to the court. A? What do you think about this?

Pravdin. How did this side look to you?

Starodum. Curious. The first thing seemed strange to me: in this direction almost no one drives along the large straight road, and everyone takes a detour, hoping to get there as quickly as possible.

Pravdin. Even if it’s a detour, is the road spacious?

Starodum. And it is so spacious that two people, having met, cannot separate. One knocks the other down, and the one who is on his feet never picks up the one who is on the ground.

Pravdin. So that’s why there’s pride here...

Starodum. This is not selfishness, but, so to speak, selfishness. Here they love themselves perfectly; they care about themselves alone; they fuss about one real hour. You will not believe. I saw here many people who, in all cases of their lives, never thought of their ancestors or descendants.

Pravdin. But those worthy people who serve the state at the court...

Starodum. ABOUT! those do not leave the courtyard because they are useful to the courtyard, and others because the courtyard is useful to them. I was not among the first and did not want to be among the last.

Pravdin. Of course, they didn’t recognize you at the yard?

Starodum. So much the better for me. I managed to get out without any hassle, otherwise they would have survived me in one of two ways.

Pravdin. Which ones?

Starodum. From the court, my friend, there are two ways to survive. Either they will be angry with you or you will be annoyed. I didn't wait for either one. I decided that it was better to lead life at home than in someone else’s hallway.

Pravdin. So, you left the yard empty-handed? (Opens his snuff box.)

Starodum(takes tobacco from Pravdin). How about nothing? The snuff box costs five hundred rubles. Two people came to the merchant. One, having paid money, brought home a snuff box. Another came home without a snuff box. And you think that the other one came home with nothing? You're wrong. He brought back his five hundred rubles intact. I left the court without villages, without a ribbon, without ranks, but I brought mine home intact, my soul, my honor, my rules.

Pravdin. With your rules, people should not be released from the court, but they must be called to the court.

Starodum. Summon? What for?

Pravdin. Then, why do they call a doctor to the sick?

Starodum. My friend! You're wrong. It is in vain for a doctor to treat the sick without healing. The doctor won’t help you here unless you get infected yourself.

SCENE II

Same with Sophia.

Sophia(to Pravdin). My strength was gone from their noise.

Starodum(to the side). Here are her mother's facial features. Here is my Sophia.

Sophia(looking at Starodum). My God! He called me. My heart does not deceive me...

Starodum(hugging her). No. You are the daughter of my sister, the daughter of my heart!

Sophia(throwing herself into his arms). Uncle! I'm overjoyed.

Starodum. Dear Sophia! I found out in Moscow that you are living here against your will. I am sixty years old in the world. It happened to be often irritated, sometimes to be pleased with oneself. Nothing tormented my heart more than innocence in the networks of deceit. I have never been so pleased with myself as when I happened to snatch the spoils of vice from my hands.

Pravdin. How nice it is to be a witness to this!

Sophia. Uncle! your kindness to me...

Starodum. You know that I am tied to life only by you. You must provide comfort to my old age, and my care is your happiness. When I retired, I laid the foundation for your upbringing, but I could not establish your fortune otherwise than by separating from your mother and you.

Sophia. Your absence saddened us beyond words.

Starodum(to Pravdin). In order to protect her life from the lack of what she needed, I decided to retire for several years and to the land where money is obtained, without exchanging it for conscience, without vile service, without robbing the fatherland; where they demand money from the land itself, which is more just than people, does not know partiality, but pays only for labor faithfully and generously.

Pravdin. You could get rich, as I heard, incomparably more.

Starodum. And for what?

Pravdin. To be rich like others.

Starodum. Rich! Who's rich? Do you know that all of Siberia is not enough for the whims of one person! My friend! Everything is in the imagination. Follow nature, you will never be poor. Follow people's opinions and you will never be rich.

Sophia. Uncle! What a truth you speak!

Starodum. I have gained so much so that during your marriage the poverty of a worthy groom will not stop us.

Sophia. Throughout my life, your will will be my law.

Pravdin. But, having given her away, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to leave her to the children...

Starodum. Children? Leaving wealth to children? Not in my head. If they are smart, they will manage without him; A stupid son Wealth is no help. I saw fine fellows in golden caftans, but with lead heads. No my friend! Cash is not cash worth. The golden dummy is everyone's dummy.

Pravdin. With all this, we see that money often leads to ranks, ranks usually lead to nobility, and respect is given to the nobility.

Starodum. Respect! Only respect should be flattering to a person - spiritual; and only those who are in rank not by money, and in the nobility not by rank, are worthy of spiritual respect.

Pravdin. Your conclusion is undeniable.

Starodum. Bah! What a noise!

SCENE III

The same Ms. Prostakova, Skotinin, Milon.

Milon separates Mrs. Prostakova from Skotinin.

Ms. Prostakova. Let me go! Let me go, father! Give me a face, a face...

Milo. I won't let you in, madam. Don't be angry!

Skotinin(in a temper, straightening his wig). Get off it, sister! When it comes to breaking, I’ll bend it and it will crack.

Milo(Mrs. Prostakova). And you forgot that he is your brother!

Mrs. Prostakova. Ah, father! It took my heart, let me fight!

Milo(Skotinin). Isn't she your sister?

Skotinin. To be honest, one litter, and look how she squealed.

Starodum(could not help but laugh, to Pravdin). I was afraid of getting angry. Now laughter takes over me.

Mrs. Prostakova. Someone, over someone? What kind of traveler is this?

Starodum. Don't be angry, madam. I have never seen anything funnier for people.

Skotinin(holding his neck). Some people laugh, but I don’t even laugh.

Milo. Didn't she hurt you?

Skotinin. The front was blocked by both, so she grabbed the back of the neck...

Pravdin. And does it hurt?...

Skotinin. The scruff of the neck was a little pierced.

In Mrs. Prostakova’s next speech, Sophia tells Milon with her eyes that in front of him is Starodum. Milon understands her.

Mrs. Prostakova. She pierced it!... No, brother, you must exchange the image of the mister officer; and if it weren’t for him, you wouldn’t have shielded yourself from me. I will stand up for my son. I won’t let my father down. (To Starodum.) This, sir, is nothing funny. Don't get angry. I have a mother's heart. Have you ever heard of a bitch giving away her puppies? Deigned to greet someone unknown, unknown who

Starodum(pointing to Sophia). Her uncle, Starodum, came to see her.

Ms. Prostakova(scared and afraid). How! It's you! You, father! Our priceless guest! Oh, I'm such a fool! Would it really be necessary to meet our own father, on whom we have all our hope, who is the only one we have, like gunpowder in the eye. Father! I'm sorry. I'm a fool. I can’t come to my senses. Where is the husband? Where is the son? How I arrived to an empty house! God's punishment! Everyone went crazy. Girl! Girl! Broadsword! Girl!

Skotinin(to the side). So-and-so, he-something, uncle!

PHENOMENA IV

Same with Eremeevna.

Eremeevna. What do you want?

Mrs. Prostakova. Are you a girl, are you a dog’s daughter? Do I have no maids in my house, besides your nasty face? Where is the broadsword?

Eremeevna. She fell ill, mother, and has been lying there since the morning.

Mrs. Prostakova. Lying down! Oh, she's a beast! Lying down! As if noble!

Eremeevna. Such a fever, mother, she raves incessantly...

Mrs. Prostakova. He's delusional, you beast! As if noble! Call your husband, son. Tell them that, by the grace of God, we waited for the uncle of our dear Sophia; that our second parent has now come to us, by the grace of God. Well, run, waddle!

Starodum. Why make such a fuss, madam? By the grace of God, I am not your parent; by the grace of God, I am a stranger to you.

Mrs. Prostakova. Your unexpected arrival, father, took away my mind; Yes, at least let me give you a good hug, our benefactor!...

PHENOMENA V

The same ones, Prostakov, Mitrofan and Eremeevna.

During Starodum’s next speech, Prostakov and his son, who came out of the middle door, stood behind Starodum. The father is ready to hug him as soon as his turn comes, and the son is ready to approach his hand. Eremeevna took a seat to the side and, with folded hands, stood rooted to the spot, staring out her eyes at Starodum, with slavish servility.

Starodum(hugging Mrs. Prostakova reluctantly). The mercy is completely unnecessary, madam! I could have done without it quite easily. (Releasing from her hands, he turns around to the other side, where Skotinin, already standing with outstretched arms, immediately grabs him.) Who did I fall for?

Skotinin. It's me, sister's brother.

Starodum(seeing two more, looking forward). Who else is this?

Prostakov(hugging)Mitrofan(catching his hand) (together):

- I am my wife's husband.

- And I’m a mother’s son.

Milo(Pravdin). Now I won't introduce myself.

Pravdin(to Milo). I'll find a chance to introduce you later.

Starodum(without giving Mitrofan his hand). This one catches you kissing your hand. It is clear that they are preparing a great soul for him.

Mrs. Prostakova. Speak, Mitrofanushka. How can I, sir, not kiss your hand? You are my second father.

Mitrofan. How not to kiss your hand, uncle. You are my father... (To mother.) Which one?

Mrs. Prostakova. Second.

Mitrofan. Second? Second father, uncle.

Starodum. I, sir, am neither your father nor your uncle.

Mrs. Prostakova. Father, the little boy may be prophesying his happiness: perhaps God will grant him to really be your nephew.

Skotinin. Right! Why am I not a nephew? Ay, sister!

Mrs. Prostakova. Brother, I won’t bark with you. (To Starodum.) From my childhood, father, I never scolded anyone. I have such a disposition. Even if you scold me, I won’t say a word. Let God, in his own mind, pay the one who offends me, poor thing.

Starodum. I noticed this, how soon you, madam, appeared from the door.

Pravdin. And I have been a witness to her kindness for three days now.

Starodum. I can’t have this fun for so long. Sofyushka, my friend, tomorrow morning I’m going with you to Moscow.

Mrs. Prostakova. Ah, father! Why such anger?

Prostakov. Why disgrace?

Mrs. Prostakova. How! We must part with Sofyushka! With our dear friend! With just the melancholy of bread, I'll leave behind.

Prostakov. And here I am already bent and gone.

Starodum. ABOUT! When you love her so much, then I must make you happy. I'm taking her to Moscow in order to make her happy. I have been presented with a certain young man of great merit as her groom. I'll give her to him.

Mrs. Prostakova. Oh, I killed you!

Milo. What do I hear!

Sophia seems amazed.

Skotinin. These are the times!

Prostakov(clasped his hands). Here you go!

Eremeevna nodded her head sadly.

Pravdin shows a look of distressed surprise.

Starodum(noticing everyone's confusion). What does it mean? (To Sophia.) Sofiushka, my friend, do you seem embarrassed to me? Did my intention really upset you? I take your father's place. Believe me that I know his rights. They go no further than how to avert the daughter’s unfortunate inclination, and the choice of a worthy person depends entirely on her heart. Be calm, my friend! Your husband, worthy of you, no matter who he is, will have a true friend in me. Go for whoever you want.

Everyone looks cheerful.

Sophia. Uncle! Do not doubt my obedience.

Milo(to the side). Honorable man!

Ms. Prostakova(with a cheerful look). Here's the father! Listen here! Marry whoever you want, as long as the person is worth it. Yes, my father, yes. Here you just don’t need to let the grooms through. If there is a nobleman in his eyes, a young fellow...

Skotinin. I left the guys a long time ago...

Ms. Prostakova, Skotinin(together):

– Who has enough wealth, even if it’s small...

- Yes, the pork factory is not bad...

Ms. Prostakova, Skotinin(together):

- So in good hour to Arkhangelsk.

- So have a fun feast, cheers for the wedding.

Starodum. Your advice is impartial. I see it.

Skotinin. Then you’ll see how you can identify me more briefly. You see, it's sodomy here. I'll come to you alone in an hour. This is where we can sort things out. I will say without boasting: what I am, there really are few like me. (Leaves.)

Starodum. This is most likely.

Mrs. Prostakova. You, my father, don’t look at your brother...

Starodum. Is he your brother?

Mrs. Prostakova. Dear, father. I am also the father of the Skotinins. The deceased father married the deceased mother. She was nicknamed Priplodin. There were eighteen of us children; Yes, except for me and my brother, everyone, according to the power of God, tried it on. Others from baths of the dead pulled out. Three, after sipping milk from a copper cauldron, died. Two fell from the bell tower about Holy Week; but the rest did not stand on their own, father.

Starodum. I see what your parents were like.

Mrs. Prostakova. Vintage people, my father! This was not the century. We weren't taught anything. It used to be that kind people would approach the priest, please him, please him, so that he could at least send his brother to school. By the way, the dead man is light with both hands and feet, may he rest in heaven! It happened that he would deign to shout: I will curse the little boy who learns anything from the infidels, and be it not Skotinin who wants to learn something.

Pravdin. However, you are teaching your son something.

Ms. Prostakova(to Pravdin). Yes, this is a different century, father! (To Starodum.) We don’t regret the last crumbs, just to teach our son everything. My Mitrofanushka doesn’t get up for days because of a book. My mother's heart. Otherwise it’s a pity, a pity, but just think: but there will be a kid anywhere. Looks like he, father, will turn sixteen years old around winter St. Nicholas. The groom doesn’t waste an hour, even if the teachers go, and now the two are waiting in the hallway. (She blinked at Eremeevna to call them.) In Moscow they accepted a foreigner for five years and, so that others would not lure him away, the police announced the contract. You contracted to teach us what we want, but teach us what you know how to do. We have fulfilled all our parental duties, we have accepted the German and we are paying him in thirds in advance. I would sincerely wish that you, father, would admire Mitrofanushka and see what he has learned.

Starodum. I am a bad judge of that, madam.

Ms. Prostakova(seeing Kuteikin and Tsyfirkin). Here come the teachers! My Mitrofanushka has no peace either day or night. It is bad to praise your child, but where will the one whom God brings to be his wife not be unhappy?

Pravdin. This is all good; Do not forget, however, madam, that your guest has now only arrived from Moscow and that he needs peace much more than the praises of your son.

Starodum. I admit that I would be glad to take a break from the road and from everything that I heard and saw.

Mrs. Prostakova. Ah, my father! All is ready. I cleaned the room for you myself.

Starodum. Thankful. Sofyushka, take me with you.

Mrs. Prostakova. What about us? Allow me, my son, and my husband, to see you off, my father. We all promise to walk to Kyiv for your health, just to get our business done.

Starodum(to Pravdin). When will we see each other? After resting, I will come here.

Pravdin. So I am here and will have the honor to see you.

Starodum. I'm happy with my soul. (Seeing Milo, who bowed to him with respect, he bows to him politely.)

Mrs. Prostakova. So you are welcome.

Except for the teachers, everyone leaves. Pravdin and Milon to the side, and the others to the other.

SCENE VI

Kuteikin and Tsyfirkin.

Kuteikin. What a devilry! You won't achieve much in the morning. Here every morning will flourish and die.

Tsyfirkin. And our brother lives like this forever. Don't do things, don't run away from things. This is the trouble for our brother, how poorly the food is being fed, how today there was no provisions for lunch here...

Kuteikin. If only Vladyka had not managed to make me, on my way here, wander at a crossroads to our malt, I would have hungered like a dog in the evening.

Tsyfirkin. These gentlemen are good commanders!...

Kuteikin. Have you heard, brother, what life is like for the local servants? Even though you are a soldier and have been in battles, fear and trembling will come to you...

Tsyfirkin. Here you go! Have you heard? I myself saw rapid fire here for three hours a day in a row. (Sighing.) Oh my! Sadness takes over.

Kuteikin(sighing). Oh, woe to me, a sinner!

Tsyfirkin. What did you sigh about, Sidorich?

Kuteikin. And is your heart in turmoil, Pafnutievich?

Tsyfirkin. For the sake of captivity, you will think about it... God gave me an apprentice, a boyar's son. I’ve been fighting with him for three years now: he can’t count three.

Kuteikin. So we have one problem. I have been tormenting my stomach for four years now. After sitting down for an hour, except for the butts, he won’t be able to make out a new line; Yes, and he mumbles his behinds, God forgive me, without a warehouse in warehouses, to no avail in his talk.

Tsyfirkin. And who is to blame? Only he has a stylus in his hands, and a German is at the door. He's having a blast from behind the board, but he's pushing me for the sake of it. Kuteikin. Is this my sin? Just a pointer in the fingers, a bastard in the eyes. A student on the head, and me on the neck.

Tsyfirkin(with fervor). I would let myself have my ear taken, just to train this parasite like a soldier.

Kuteikin. Even now they whisper to me, just to pierce the sinner’s neck.

SCENE VII

The same, Mrs. Prostakova and Mitrofan.

Mrs. Prostakova. While he is resting, my friend, at least for the sake of appearance, learn, so that it reaches his ears how you work, Mitrofanushka.

Mitrofan. Well! And then what?

Mrs. Prostakova. And there I got married.

Mitrofan. Listen, mother. I'll amuse you. I'll study; just to have it last time and so that today there will be an agreement.

Mrs. Prostakova. The hour of God's will will come!

Mitrofan. The hour of my will has come. I don't want to study, I want to get married. You lured me in, blame yourself. So I sat down.

Tsyfirkin is cleaning the stylus.

Mrs. Prostakova. And I’ll sit down right away. I'll knit a wallet for you, my friend! There would be somewhere to put Sophia's money.

Mitrofan. Well! Give me the board, garrison rat! Ask what to write.

Tsyfirkin. Your Honor, please always bark idlely.

Ms. Prostakova(working). Oh, my God! Don’t you dare elect Pafnutich, little kid! I'm already angry!

Tsyfirkin. Why be angry, your honor? We have a Russian proverb: the dog barks, the wind blows.

Mitrofan. Get off your butts and turn around.

Tsyfirkin. All butts, your honor. He stayed with his backside a century ago.

Mrs. Prostakova. It's none of your business, Pafnutich. It’s very nice to me that Mitrofanushka doesn’t like to step forward. With his intelligence, he may fly far, and God forbid!

Tsyfirkin. Task. You deigned, by the way, to walk along the road with me. Well, at least we’ll take Sidorich with us. We found three...

Mitrofan(writes). Three.

Tsyfirkin. On the road, for the butt, three hundred rubles.

Mitrofan(writes). Three hundred.

Tsyfirkin. It came down to division. Think about it, why on your brother?

Mitrofan(calculating, whispers). Once three is three. Once zero is zero. Once zero is zero.

Mrs. Prostakova. What, what about division?

Mitrofan. Look, the three hundred rubles that were found should be divided among the three.

Mrs. Prostakova. He's lying, my dear friend! I found the money and didn’t share it with anyone. Take it all for yourself, Mitrofanushka. Don't study this stupid science.

Mitrofan. Listen, Pafnutich, ask another question.

Tsyfirkin. Write, your honor. You give me ten rubles a year for my studies.

Mitrofan. Ten.

Tsyfirkin. Now, really, no problem, but if you, master, took something from me, it wouldn’t be a sin to add ten more.

Mitrofan(writes). Well, well, ten.

Tsyfirkin. How much for a year?

Mitrofan(calculating, whispers). Zero yes zero - zero. One and one... (Thinking.)

Mrs. Prostakova. Don't work in vain, my friend! I won’t add a penny; and you're welcome. Science is not like that. Only you are tormented, but all I see is emptiness. No money - what to count? There is money - we’ll figure it out well without Pafnutich.

Kuteikin. Sabbath, really, Pafnutich. Two problems have been solved. They won’t bring it to reality.

Mitrofan. Don't worry, brother. Mother herself can’t make a mistake here. Go now, Kuteikin, teach yesterday a lesson.

Kuteikin(opens the book of hours, Mitrofap takes the pointer). Let's start by blessing ourselves. Follow me, with attention. “I am a worm...”

Mitrofan.“I am a worm...”

Kuteikin. Worm, that is, animal, cattle. In other words: “I am cattle.”

Mitrofan.“I am cattle.”

Mitrofan(Also)."Not a man."

Kuteikin."Reproaching people."

Mitrofan."Reproaching people."

Kuteikin."And uni..."

SCENE VIII

Same with Vralman.

Vralman. Ay! ah! ah! ah! ah! Now I'm freaking out! Umarit hatyat turnip! Mother you are! She had a prank on the sfay utropa, who was dragging the messesof, - so to say, asmoe tifa f sfete. Tai foul those damned slates. Is such a calafa long a palfan? Ush disposition, ush fsyo is.

Mrs. Prostakova. Is it true. The truth is yours, Adam Adamych! Mitrofanushka, my friend, if studying is so dangerous for your little head, then for me, stop.

Mitrofan. And for me, even more so.

Kuteynik(closing the Book of Hours). It's over and thank God.

Vralman. Mother of May! What do you need now? What? Son, he eats something, but God is old, or the wise son, so to speak, Aristotelis, and to the grave.

Mrs. Prostakova. Oh, what passion, Adam Adamych! He already had a careless dinner yesterday.

Vralman. Rassuti, mother of May, drank too much pryuho: peda. And the fiat kaloushka has a nefo karazdo slane pryuha; drink it too much and save it later!

Mrs. Prostakova. Your truth, Adam Adamych; what are you going to do? Little child, without studying, go to the same Petersburg; they'll say you're a fool. There are a lot of smart people these days. I'm afraid of them.

Vralman. Why bother, my mother? The wise man Nikahta Efo will not sate, Nikahta will not argue with him; but if he doesn’t get along with smart bastards, he’ll continue to be prosperous!

Mrs. Prostakova. This is how you should live in the world, Mitrofanushka!

Mitrofan. I myself, mother, am not one for clever people. Your brother is always better.

Vralman. Sfaya campaign or body!

Mrs. Prostakova. Adam Adamych! But from whom will you choose her?

Vralman. Don’t crash, my mother, don’t crash; what a darling son, there are millions, millions of them in the world. How can he not snub his campaigns?

Mrs. Prostakova. It's for nothing that my son. Small, sharp, agile.

Vralman. Either the body, the caps didn’t samarize the ego for the ear! Rossiska kramat! Arihmetika! Oh, my goodness, how the carcass remains in the body! How putto py Rossiski Tforyanin ush and could not f sfete advance pez Rossiskoy kramat!

Kuteikin(to the side). Under your tongue would be labor and illness.

Vralman. How putto py to arithmetics of dust are countless turks!

Tsyfirkin(to the side). I'll count those ribs. Come to me.

Vralman. He needs to know how to sew on fabric. I know the sfet by heart. I grated Kalash myself.

Mrs. Prostakova. How could you not know big world, Adam Adamych? I am tea, and in St. Petersburg alone you have seen enough of everything.

Vralman. It’s tuff, my mother, it’s tuff. I have always been a fan of watching public. Pyfalo, about the celebratory holiday of the Sietuts in Katringof, the carriages with the hospots. I'll keep an eye on them. Damn, I won’t leave my mow for a minute.

Mrs. Prostakova. From which goats?

Vralman(to the side). Ay! ah! ah! ah! What did I screw up! (Aloud.) You, mother, are dreaming, why look at the fsegta lofche zvyshi. So, out of nowhere, I got into someone else’s carriage, and she smeared the Polish land from the mower.

Mrs. Prostakova. Of course, you know better. A smart person knows where to climb.

Vralman. Your dearest son is also on the sfeta, somehow fsmastitsa, fiercely look at and touch sepya. Utalets!

Mitrofan, standing still, turns over.

Vralman. Utalets! He won't stand still, like a ticking horse. Go! Fort!

Mitrofan runs away.

Ms. Prostakova(smiling joyfully). A little boy, really, even though he’s a groom. Follow him, however, so that he, out of playfulness without intent, does not anger the guest in any way.

Vralman. Poti, my mother! Salute bird! Your voices flow with him.

Mrs. Prostakova. Farewell, Adam Adamych! (Leaves.)

SCENE IX

Vralman, Kuteikin and Tsyfirkin.

Tsyfirkin(scoffing). What an idiot!

Kuteikin(scoffing). Byword!

Vralman. Why are you barking soups, nonfiction people?

Tsyfirkin(hitting him on the shoulder). Why are you frowning, Chukhon owl?

Vralman. Oh! Ouch! rustling paws!

Kuteikin(hitting him on the shoulder). Damned owl! Why are you patting your teeth?

Vralman(quiet). I'm lost. (Aloud.) What are you afraid of, guys, is it just me?

Tsyfirkin. You yourself eat bread idly and don’t let others do anything; Yes, you still won’t make a face.

Kuteikin. Your mouth always speaks of pride, O wicked one.

Vralman(recovering from shyness). How can you resist being unfashionable in front of a person? I grabbed some sakricha.

Tsyfirkin. And we will give them the honor. I'll finish the board...

Kuteikin. And I am a book of hours.

Vralman. I'm going to play pranks on my mistress.

Tsyfirkin, swinging a board, and Kuteikin with a book of hours.

Tsyfirkin, Kuteikin(together):

“I’ll cut your face open five times.”

“I will crush the sinner’s teeth.”

Vralman is running.

Tsyfirkin. Yeah! The coward raised his legs!

Kuteikin. Direct your steps, wretched one!

Vralman(in the door). What the hell are you doing, you beast? Shuta suntes.

Tsyfirkin. Got it! We would give you a task!

Vralman. I don’t worry now, I don’t worry.

Kuteikin. The lawless one has settled down! Are there a lot of you infidels out there? Send everyone out!

Vralman. They didn’t deal with him! Eh, prat, fsyali!

Tsyfirkin. I'll take out ten!

Kuteikin. In the morning I will kill all the sinners of the earth! (Everyone suddenly screams.)

End of the third act.

ACT FOUR

PHENOMENON I

Sophia(alone, looking at the clock). Uncle must leave soon. (Sitting down.) I'll wait for him here. (Takes out a book and reads a few.) This is true. How can the heart not be content when the conscience is calm! (After reading a few again.) It is impossible not to love the rules of virtue. They are ways to happiness. (After reading a few more, she looked up and, seeing Starodum, ran up to him.)

SCENE II

Sophia and Starodum.

Starodum. A! you are already here, my dear friend!

Sophia. I was waiting for you, uncle. I was reading a book now.

Starodum. Which one?

Sophia. French. Fenelon, about the education of girls.

Starodum. Fenelon? The author of Telemachus? Fine. I don’t know your book, but read it, read it. Whoever wrote Telemachus will not corrupt morals with his pen. I fear for you the sages of today. I happened to read everything from them that was translated into Russian. True, they strongly eradicate prejudices and uproot virtue. Let's sit down. (Both sat down.) My heartfelt desire is to see you as happy as possible in the world.

Sophia. Your instructions, uncle, will make up my entire well-being. Give me rules that I must follow. Guide my heart. It is ready to obey you.

Starodum. I am pleased with the disposition of your soul. I will be happy to give you my advice. Listen to me with such attention, with what sincerity I will speak. Closer.

Sophia moves her chair.

Sophia. Uncle! Every word you say will be engraved into my heart.

Starodum(with important sincerity). You are now in those years in which the soul wants to enjoy its entire existence, the mind wants to know, and the heart wants to feel. You are now entering the world, where the first step will often decide your fate whole life, where most often the first meeting occurs: minds corrupted in their concepts, hearts corrupted in their feelings. O my friend! Know how to distinguish, know how to stay with those whose friendship for you would be a reliable guarantee for your mind and heart.

Sophia. I will use all my efforts to earn the good opinion of worthy people. How can I prevent those who see me moving away from them from becoming angry with me? Isn’t it possible, uncle, to find a way so that no one in the world would wish me harm?

Starodum. The bad disposition of people who are not worthy of respect should not be distressing. Know that they never wish harm upon those whom they despise; but usually they wish evil upon those who have the right to despise. People envy more than just wealth, more than just nobility: and virtue also has its envious people.

Sophia. Is it possible, uncle, that there could be such people in the world? pathetic people, in which a bad feeling is born precisely because there is good in others. A virtuous person should take pity on such unfortunates.

Starodum. They are pathetic, it's true; however for this virtuous person never stops going his own way. Think for yourself what a misfortune it would be if the sun stopped shining so as not to blind weak eyes.

Sophia. Yes, tell me, please, are they to blame? Can every person be virtuous?

Starodum. Believe me, everyone will find enough strength in themselves to be virtuous. You have to want it decisively, and then it will be easier not to do something for which your conscience would prick you.

Sophia. Who will warn a person, who will not allow him to do something for which his conscience then torments him?

Starodum. Who will be careful? The same conscience. Know that conscience, like a friend, always warns before punishing like a judge.

Sophia. So, therefore, it is necessary that every vicious person should be truly worthy of contempt when he does something bad, knowing what he is doing. It is necessary for his soul to be very low when it is not above a bad deed.

Starodum. And it is necessary that his mind be not a direct mind, when he does not place his happiness in what is needed.

Sophia. It seemed to me, uncle, that all people agreed on where to place their happiness. Nobility, wealth...

Starodum. Yes, my friend! And I agree to call the noble and rich happy. Let's first agree who is noble and who is rich. I have my calculations. I will calculate the degrees of nobility by the number of deeds that the great gentleman did for the fatherland, and not by the number of deeds that he took upon himself out of arrogance; not by the number of people hanging around in his hallway, but by the number of people satisfied with his behavior and deeds. My nobleman is, of course, happy. My rich man too. According to my calculations, the rich man is not the one who counts out money in order to hide it in a chest, but the one who counts out what he has in excess in order to help someone who does not have what he needs.

Sophia. How fair that is! How appearance blinds us! I myself have seen many times how people envy someone who is looking in the yard and that means...

Starodum. But they don’t know that every creature in the courtyard means something and is looking for something; What they don’t know is that everyone at the court has courtiers and everyone has courtiers. No, there is nothing to envy here: without noble deeds, a noble fortune is nothing.

Sophia. Of course, uncle! And such a noble man will not make anyone happy except himself.

Starodum. How! Is he happy who is happy alone? Know that, no matter how noble he may be, his soul does not taste direct pleasure. Imagine a man who would direct all his nobility to the sole purpose of making him feel good, who would already achieve such that he himself would have nothing left to desire. After all, then his whole soul would be occupied with one feeling, one fear: sooner or later he will be overthrown. Tell me, my friend, is he happy who has nothing to desire, but only something to fear?

Sophia. I see the difference between appearing happy and actually being happy. Yes, I don’t understand this, uncle, how can a person remember everything only about himself? Do they really not discuss what one owes to another? Where is the mind that people are so proud of?

Starodum. Why boast about your intelligence, my friend! The mind, if it is only the mind, is the most trifle. With runaway minds we see bad husbands, bad fathers, bad citizens. Good behavior gives direct value to the mind. Without it, an intelligent person is a monster. It is immeasurably higher than all the fluency of the mind. This is easy to understand for anyone who thinks carefully. There are many minds, and many different ones. An intelligent person can easily be excused if he does not have any quality of intelligence. It is impossible to forgive an honest person if he lacks some quality of heart. He needs to have everything. The dignity of the heart is indivisible. An honest person must be completely fair man.

Sophia. Your explanation, uncle, is similar to my inner feeling, which I could not explain. I now vividly feel both the dignity of an honest man and his position.

Starodum. Job title! Ah, my friend! How this word is on everyone’s tongue, and how little they understand it! The constant use of this word has familiarized us with it so much that, having uttered it, a person no longer thinks anything, feels nothing, when, if people understood its importance, no one could utter it without spiritual respect. Think about what a position is. This is the sacred vow that we owe to all those with whom we live and on whom we depend. If the office were fulfilled as they say about it, every state of people would remain in their love of love and would be completely happy. A nobleman, for example, would consider it the first dishonor to do nothing when he has so much to do: there are people to help; there is a fatherland to serve. Then there would be no such nobles whose nobility, one might say, was buried with their ancestors. A nobleman unworthy of being a nobleman! I don’t know anything more vile than him in the world.

Sophia. Is it possible to humiliate yourself like that?

Starodum. My friend! What I said about the nobleman, let us now extend it to man in general. Everyone has their own positions. Let's see how they are executed, what they are, for example, for the most part husbands of the present world, let us not forget what wives are like. O my dear friend! Now I need all your attention. Let's take the example of an unhappy home, of which there are many, where the wife has no cordial friendship for her husband, nor does he have any power of attorney for his wife; where each for his part turned away from the path of virtue. Instead of a sincere and condescending friend, the wife sees in her husband a rude and depraved tyrant. On the other hand, instead of meekness, sincerity, the characteristics of a virtuous wife, the husband sees in the soul of his wife one wayward impudence, and impudence in a woman is a sign of vicious behavior. Both became an unbearable burden to each other. Both are already betting on nothing good name, because both have lost it. Is it possible to be more terrible than their condition? The house is abandoned. People forget the duty of obedience, seeing in their master himself a slave of his vile passions. The estate is being wasted: it has become no one's when its owner is not his own. The children, their unfortunate children, were already orphaned during the lifetime of their father and mother. The father, having no respect for his wife, barely dares to hug them, barely dares to surrender to the most tender feelings human heart. Innocent babies are also deprived of their mother's fervor. She, unworthy to have children, avoids their affection, seeing in them either the reasons for her worries or the reproach of her corruption. And what kind of education should children expect from a mother who has lost virtue? How can she teach them good manners, which she does not have? In the moments when their thoughts turn to their condition, what hell must be in the souls of both husband and wife!

Sophia. Oh, how I am horrified by this example!

Starodum. And I am not surprised: he should make a virtuous soul tremble. I still have the belief that a person cannot be so corrupted that he can calmly look at what we see.

Sophia. My God! Why such terrible misfortunes!...

Starodum. Because, my friend, in modern marriages people rarely advise with the heart. The question is whether the groom is famous or rich? Is the bride good and rich? There is no question about good behavior. It doesn't even occur to anyone what's in the eyes thinking people an honest man without great rank is a noble person; that virtue replaces everything, but nothing can replace virtue. I confess to you that my heart will only be at peace when I see you marrying a husband worthy of your heart, when mutual love yours...

Sophia. How can one not love a worthy husband in a friendly manner?

Starodum. So. Just, perhaps, don’t have love for your husband that resembles friendship. Have a friendship for him that would be like love. It will be much stronger. Then after twenty years of marriage you will find in your hearts former friend affection for a friend. A prudent husband! Virtuous wife! What could be more honorable! It is necessary, my friend, that your husband obey reason, and you obey your husband, and you will both be completely prosperous.

Sophia. Everything you say touches my heart...

Starodum(with the most tender fervor). And mine admires, seeing your sensitivity. Your happiness depends on you. God has given you all the amenities of your sex. I see in you the heart of an honest man. You, my dear friend, you combine both sexes of perfection. I caress that my ardor does not deceive me, that virtue...

Sophia. You filled all my feelings with it. (Rushing to kiss his hands) Where is she?…

Starodum(kissing her hands himself). She's in your soul. I thank God that in you I find the solid foundation of your happiness. It will not depend on either nobility or wealth. All this can come to you; however, for you there is happiness greater than all this. This is to feel worthy of all the benefits that you can enjoy...

Sophia. Uncle! My true happiness is that I have you. I know the price...

SCENE III

Same with the valet.

The valet hands the letter to Starodum.

Starodum. Where?

Valet. From Moscow, by express. (Leaves.)

Starodum(printing it out and looking at the signature). Count Chestan. A! (Starting to read, he looks like his eyes can’t make it out.) Sofyushka! My glasses are on the table, in a book.

Sophia(leaving). Right away, uncle.

PHENOMENA IV

Starodum.

Starodum(one). He, of course, writes to me about the same thing about which he proposed in Moscow. I don't know Milo; but when his uncle is my true friend, when the whole public considers him an honest and worthy person... If her heart is free...

PHENOMENA V

Starodum and Sophia.

Sophia(giving glasses). Found it, uncle.

Starodum(is reading).“...I just found out now... he is leading his team to Moscow... He should meet with you... I will be sincerely glad if he sees you... Take the trouble to find out his way of thinking.” (To the side.) Certainly. Without that I won’t give her away... “You will find... Your true friend...” Okay. This letter belongs to you. I told you that a young man of commendable qualities has been presented... My words confuse you, my dear friend. I noticed this just now and now I see it. Your power of attorney for me...

Sophia. Can I have something in my heart hidden from you? No, uncle. I will tell you sincerely...

SCENE VI

The same, Pravdin and Milon.

Pravdin. Let me introduce you to Mr. Milo, my true friend.

Starodum(to the side). Milon!

Milo. I will consider it true happiness if I am worthy of your kind opinion, your favors towards me...

Starodum. Isn't Count Chestan related to you?

Milo. He's my uncle.

Starodum. I am very pleased to know a person of your qualities. Your uncle told me about you. He gives you all justice. Special advantages...

Milo. This is his mercy to me. At my age and in my position, it would be unforgivable arrogance to consider everything deserved than young man worthy people encourage.

Pravdin. I am sure in advance that my friend will gain your favor if you get to know him better. He often visited the house of your late sister...

Starodum looks back at Sophia.

Sophia(quietly to Starodum and in great timidity). And his mother loved him like a son.

Starodum(Sofya). I'm very pleased with this. (To Milon.) I heard that you were in the army. Your fearlessness...

Milo. I did my job. Neither my years, nor my rank, nor my position have yet allowed me to show direct fearlessness, should I have it.

Starodum. How! Being in battles and exposing your life...

Milo. I exposed her like the others. Here courage was such a quality of heart that a soldier is ordered to have by his superior, and an officer is ordered to have honor. I confess to you sincerely that I have not yet had any opportunity to demonstrate direct fearlessness, but I sincerely wish to test myself.

Starodum. I am extremely curious to know what you believe is direct fearlessness?

Milo. If you allow me to say my thought, I believe true fearlessness is in the soul, and not in the heart. Whoever has it in his soul, without any doubt, brave heart. In our military craft, a warrior must be brave, a military leader must be undaunted. He is with cold blood sees all degrees of danger, takes the necessary measures, prefers his glory to life; but most of all, for the benefit and glory of the fatherland, he is not afraid to forget his own glory. His fearlessness, therefore, does not consist in despising his life. He never dares her. He knows how to sacrifice it.

Starodum. Fair. You believe outright fearlessness in a military leader. Is it also characteristic of other conditions?

Milo. She is virtue; consequently, there is no state that could not be distinguished by it. It seems to me that the courage of the heart is proven in the hour of battle, and the fearlessness of the soul in all trials, in all situations of life. And what is the difference between the fearlessness of a soldier who, in an attack, adjusts his life along with others, and between the fearlessness of a statesman who speaks the truth to the sovereign, daring to anger him. The judge who, fearing neither vengeance nor the threats of the strong, gave justice to the helpless, is a hero in my eyes. How small is the soul of the one who challenges him to a duel for a trifle, compared to the one who stands up for the absent, whose honor is tormented by slanderers in his presence! I understand fearlessness this way...

Starodum. How should someone who has it in their soul understand? Both of me, my friend! Forgive my simple-heartedness. I am a friend honest people. This feeling is ingrained in my upbringing. In yours I see and honor virtue, adorned with enlightened reason.

Milo. Noble soul!... No... I can’t hide more than mine heartfelt feeling… No. Your virtue extracts by its power all the mystery of my soul. If my heart is virtuous, if it is worth being happy, it depends on you to make it happy. I believe it is to have your dear niece as a wife. Our mutual inclination...

Starodum(to Sophia, with joy). How! your heart skillfully distinguish the one whom I myself offered you? Here's my fiancé...

Sophia. And I love him heartily.

Starodum. You both deserve each other. (Joining their hands in admiration.) With all my soul I give you my consent.

Milon, Sophia(together):

Milo(hugging Starodum). My happiness is incomparable!

Sophia(kissing Starodumova’s hands). Who could be happier than me!

Pravdin. How sincerely I am glad!

Starodum. My pleasure is indescribable!

Milo(kissing Sophia's hand). This is our moment of prosperity!

Sophia. My heart will love you forever.

SCENE VII

Same with Skotinin.

Skotinin. And here I am.

Starodum. Why did you come?

Skotinin. For your needs.

Starodum. How can I serve?

Skotinin. In two words.

Starodum. What are these?

Skotinin. Hugging me tighter, say: Sophia is yours.

Starodum. Are you planning something foolish? Think about it carefully.

Skotinin. I never think and I’m sure in advance that if you don’t think either, then Sophia is mine.

Starodum. This is a strange thing! You, as I see, are not crazy, but you want me to give my niece, to whom I don’t know.

Skotinin. You don't know, I'll say this. I am Taras Skotinin, not the last of my kind. The Skotinins family is great and ancient. You won’t find our ancestor in any heraldry.

Pravdin(laughing). This way you can assure us that he is older than Adam.

Skotinin. And what do you think? At least a few...

Starodum(laughing.) That is, your ancestor was created at least on the sixth day, and a little earlier than Adam?

Skotinin. No, right? So do you have a good opinion of the antiquity of my family?

Starodum. ABOUT! so kind that I wonder how in your place you can choose a wife from another family, like the Skotinins?

Skotinin. Think about how lucky Sophia is to be with me. She's a noblewoman...

Starodum. What a man! Yes, that’s why you’re not her fiancé.

Skotinin. I went for it. Let them talk that Skotinin married a noblewoman. It doesn't matter to me.

Starodum. Yes, it doesn’t matter to her when they say that the noblewoman married Skotinin.

Milo. Such inequality would make you both miserable.

Skotinin. Bah! What does this one equal? (Quietly to Starodum.) Doesn't it bounce?

Starodum(quietly to Skotinin). It seems so to me.

Skotinin(same tone). Where's the line?

Starodum(same tone). Hard.

Skotinin(loudly, pointing to Milo). Which of us is funny? Ha ha ha ha!

Starodum(laughs). I see who's funny.

Sophia. Uncle! How nice it is to me that you are cheerful.

Skotinin(To Starodum). Bah! Yes, you are funny. Just now I thought that there would be no attack on you. You didn’t say a word to me, but now you keep laughing with me.

Starodum. Such is the man, my friend! The hour doesn't come.

Skotinin. This is clear. Just now I was the same Skotinin, and you were angry.

Starodum. There was a reason.

Skotinin. I know her. I'm the same way about this myself. At home, when I go to bite and find them out of order, I get annoyed. And you, without saying a word, when you came here, you found your sister’s house no better than the nibbles, and you’re annoyed.

Starodum. You make me happier. People touch me.

Skotinin. And I'm such a pig.

SCENE VIII

The same, Mrs. Prostakova, Prostakov, Mitrofan and Eremeevna.

Ms. Prostakova(entering). Are you all right, my friend?

Prostakov. Well, don't worry.

Ms. Prostakova(To Starodum). Would you like to have a good rest, father? We all tiptoed around in the fourth room so as not to bother you; they didn’t dare look in the door; Let’s hear, but you deigned to come here a long time ago. Don’t blame me, father...

Starodum. Oh madam, I would be very annoyed if you came here.

Skotinin. You, sister, are like a joke, all on my heels. I came here for my needs.

Mrs. Prostakova. And I’m so behind mine. (To Starodum.) Let me, my father, trouble you now our common by request. (To my husband and son.) Take a bow.

Starodum. Which one, madam?

Mrs. Prostakova. First of all, I would like to ask everyone to please sit down.

Everyone sits down, except Mitrofan and Eremeevna.

Mrs. Prostakova. That's the thing, father. For the prayers of our parents - we sinners, where could we beg - the Lord gave us Mitrofanushka. We did everything to make him the way you would like to see him. Wouldn’t you like, my father, to take on the labor and see how we learned it?

Starodum. O madam! It has already reached my ears that he now only deigned to unlearn. I have heard about his teachers and I can see in advance what kind of literate he needs to be, studying with Kuteikin, and what kind of mathematician, studying with Tsyfirkin. (To Pravdin.) I would be curious to hear what the German taught him.

Ms. Prostakova, Prostakov(together):

- All sciences, father.

- Everything, my father. Mitrofan. Whatever you want.

Pravdin(To Mitrofan). Why, for example?

Mitrofan(hands him the book). Here, grammar.

Pravdin(taking the book). I see. This is grammar. What do you know about it?

Mitrofan. A lot of. Noun and adjective...

Pravdin. Door, for example, which name: a noun or an adjective?

Mitrofan. A door, which is a door?

Pravdin. Which door! This one.

Mitrofan. This? Adjective.

Pravdin. Why?

Mitrofan. Because it is attached to its place. Over there at the closet of the pole for a week the door has not yet been hung: so for now that is a noun.

Starodum. So that's why you use the word fool as an adjective, because it is applied to a stupid person?

Mitrofan. And it is known.

Mrs. Prostakova. What, what is it, my father?

Mitrofan. How is it, my father?

Pravdin. It couldn't be better. He is strong in grammar.

Milo. I think no less in history.

Mrs. Prostakova. Well, my father, he is still a hunter of stories.

Skotinin. Mitrofan for me. I myself won’t take my eyes off it without the elected official telling me stories. Master, son of a dog, where does everything come from!

Mrs. Prostakova. However, he still won’t come against Adam Adamych.

Pravdin(To Mitrofan). How far are you in history?

Mitrofan. How far is it? What's the story. In another you will fly to distant lands, to a kingdom of thirty.

Pravdin. A! Is this the story that Vralman teaches you?

Starodum. Vralman? The name is somewhat familiar.

Mitrofan. No, our Adam Adamych doesn’t tell stories; He, like me, is a keen listener himself.

Mrs. Prostakova. They both force themselves to tell stories to the cowgirl Khavronya.

Pravdin. Didn’t you both study geography from her?

Ms. Prostakova(to son). Do you hear, my dear friend? What kind of science is this?

Prostakov(quietly to mother). How do I know?

Ms. Prostakova(quietly to Mitrofan). Don't be stubborn, darling. Now is the time to show yourself.

Mitrofan(quietly to mother). Yes, I have no idea what they are asking about.

Ms. Prostakova(Pravdin). What, father, did you call science?

Pravdin. Geography.

Ms. Prostakova(To Mitrofan). Do you hear, eorgafiya.

Mitrofan. What is it! Oh my God! They stuck me with a knife to my throat.

Ms. Prostakova(Pravdin). And we know, father. Yes, tell him, do me a favor, what kind of science this is, he will tell it.

Pravdin. Description of the land.

Ms. Prostakova(To Starodum). What would this serve in the first case?

Starodum. In the first case, it would also be suitable for the fact that if you happen to go, you know where you are going.

Mrs. Prostakova. Ah, my father! But what are cab drivers for? It's their business. This is not a noble science either. Nobleman, just say: take me there, and they will take you wherever you please. Believe me, father, that, of course, what Mitrofanushka does not know is nonsense.

Starodum. Oh, of course, madam. In human ignorance, it is very comforting to consider everything that you don’t know to be nonsense.

Mrs. Prostakova. Without sciences people live and lived. The deceased father was a commander for fifteen years, and at the same time he deigned to die because he did not know how to read and write, but he knew how to make and save enough. He always received petitions, sitting on an iron chest. Afterwards, he will open the chest and put something in. That was the economy! He did not spare his life so as not to take anything out of the chest. I won’t boast to others, I won’t hide it from you: the deceased light, lying on a chest with money, died, so to speak, of hunger. A! what does it feel like?

Starodum. Commendable. You have to be Skotinin to taste such a blissful death.

Skotinin. If we want to prove that the teaching is nonsense, then let’s take Uncle Vavila Faleleich. No one had ever heard of literacy from him, nor did he want to hear from anyone: what a head he was!

Pravdin. What is it?

Skotinin. Yes, this is what happened to him. Riding on a greyhound pacer, he ran drunkenly into the stone gate. The man was tall, the gate was low, he forgot to bend over. As soon as he hit his forehead against the lintel, the Indo bent his uncle to the back of his head, and the vigorous horse carried him out of the gate to the porch on his back. I would like to know if there is a learned forehead in the world that would not fall apart from such a blow; and uncle, eternal memory to him, sober up, only asked if the gate was intact?

Milo. You, Mr. Skotinin, admit yourself to be an unlearned person; however, I think, in this case, your forehead would be no stronger than a scientist.

Starodum(to Milo). Don't bet on it. I think that the Skotinins are all tough-minded by birth.

Mrs. Prostakova. My father! What joy is it to learn? We see this with our own eyes and in our region. Whoever is smarter will be immediately elected by his brothers to some other position.

Starodum. And whoever is smarter will not refuse to be useful to his fellow citizens.

Mrs. Prostakova. God knows how you judge you today. With us, it used to be that everyone was just looking to retire. (Pravdin.) You yourself, father, are smarter than others, so much work! And now, on my way here, I saw that they were carrying some kind of package to you.

Pravdin. Is there a package for me? And no one will tell me this! (Getting up.) I apologize for leaving you. Maybe there are some orders for me from the governor.

Starodum(stands up and everyone stands up). Go, my friend; however, I am not saying goodbye to you.

Pravdin. I'll see you again. Are you leaving tomorrow morning?

Starodum. At seven o'clock.

Pravdin leaves.

Milo. And tomorrow, after seeing you off, I will lead my team. Now I’ll go make an order for him.

Milon leaves, bidding farewell to Sophia with his eyes.

SCENE IX

Ms. Prostakova, Mitrofan, Prostakov, Skotinin, Eremeevna, Starodum, Sofia.

Ms. Prostakova(To Starodum). Well, my father! Have you seen enough of what Mitrofanushka is like?

Skotinin. Well, my dear friend? Do you see what I'm like?

Starodum. I recognized both of them, in short.

Skotinin. Should Sophia follow me?

Starodum. Not to happen.

Mrs. Prostakova. Is Mitrofanushka her fiancé?

Starodum. Not the groom.

Ms. Prostakova, Skotinin(together):

- What would prevent it?

- What happened?

Starodum(bringing both together). You alone can tell me a secret. She's conspired. (He leaves and gives a sign to Sophia to follow him.)

Mrs. Prostakova. Ah, the villain!

Skotinin. Yes, he's crazy.

Ms. Prostakova(eagerly). When will they leave?

Skotinin. You heard, in the morning at seven o'clock.

Mrs. Prostakova. At seven o'clock.

Skotinin. Tomorrow I will wake up with light suddenly. Be as smart as he pleases, you won’t be able to get rid of Skotinin soon. (Leaves.)

Ms. Prostakova(running around the theater in anger and in thoughts). At seven o'clock!... We'll get up early... Whatever I want, I'll put it on mine... Everyone come to me.

Everyone runs up.

Ms. Prostakova(to her husband). Tomorrow at six o'clock, so that the carriage is brought to the back porch. Can you hear? Don't miss it.

Prostakov. I'm listening, my mother.

Ms. Prostakova(to Eremeevna). Don’t you dare take a nap at Sophia’s door all night. As soon as she wakes up, run to me.

Eremeevna. I won’t blink, my mother.

Ms. Prostakova(to son). You, my dear friend, be completely ready at six o’clock and post three servants in Sophia’s bedroom, and two in the entryway to help.

Mitrofan. Everything will be done.

Mrs. Prostakova. Go with God. (Everyone leaves.) And I already know what to do. Where there is anger, there is mercy. The old man will be angry and forgive him for his captivity. And we will take ours.

End of the fourth act.

ACT FIVE

PHENOMENON I

Starodum and Pravdin.

Pravdin. This was the package that the local landlady herself notified me about yesterday in front of you.

Starodum. So, do you now have a way to stop the inhumanity of the evil landowner?

Pravdin. I have been instructed to take charge of the house and villages at the first rabies from which the people under her control could suffer.

Starodum. Thank God that humanity can find protection! Believe me, my friend, where the sovereign thinks, where he knows what his true glory is, there his rights cannot but return to humanity. There, everyone will soon feel that everyone must seek their happiness and benefits in the one thing that is legal... and that it is unlawful to oppress their own kind with slavery.

Pravdin. I agree with you on this; Yes, how tricky it is to destroy inveterate prejudices in which low souls find their benefits!

Starodum. Listen, my friend! Great Sovereign there is a wise sovereign. His job is to show people their direct good. The glory of his wisdom is to rule over people, because there is no wisdom to rule over idols. The peasant, who is worse than everyone else in the village, usually chooses to shepherd the flock, because it takes a little intelligence to graze the cattle. A sovereign worthy of the throne strives to elevate the souls of his subjects. We see this with our own eyes.

Pravdin. The pleasure which princes enjoy in possessing free souls must be so great that I do not understand what motives could distract...

Starodum. A! How much great soul one must be a ruler in order to take the path of truth and never stray from it! How many nets are laid to catch the soul of a person who has the fate of his own kind in his hands! And firstly, a crowd of stingy flatterers...

Pravdin. Without spiritual contempt it is impossible to imagine what a flatterer is.

Starodum. A flatterer is a creature who is not only about others, but also about himself good opinion does not have. All his desire is to first blind a person’s mind, and then make of him what he needs. He is a night thief who will first put out the candle and then begin to steal.

Pravdin. Human misfortunes, of course, are caused by their own corruption; but ways to make people kind...

Starodum. They are in the hands of the sovereign. How soon everyone sees that without good behavior no one can become a person; that no vile length of service and no amount of money can buy what merit is rewarded with; that people are chosen for places, and not places are stolen by people - then everyone finds his advantage in being well-behaved and everyone becomes good.

Pravdin. Fair. The great sovereign gives...

Starodum. Grace and friendship to those whom he pleases; places and ranks for those who are worthy.

Pravdin. So that in worthy people there was no shortage, special efforts are now being made to educate...

Starodum. It should be the key to the well-being of the state. We see all the unfortunate consequences of bad education. Well, what can come of Mitrofanushka for the fatherland, for whom ignorant parents also pay money to ignorant teachers? How many noble fathers who moral education they entrust their son to their serf slave! Fifteen years later, instead of one slave, two come out, an old guy and a young master.

Pravdin. But persons of the highest status enlighten their children...

Starodum. So, my friend; Yes, I would like that in all sciences, the main goal of all human knowledge, good behavior, is not forgotten. Believe me, science in a depraved person is a fierce weapon to do evil. Enlightenment elevates one virtuous soul. I would like, for example, that when raising the son of a noble gentleman, his mentor would unfold History to him every day and show him and her two places: in one, how great people contributed to the good of their fatherland; in another, as an unworthy nobleman, who used his trust and power for evil, from the height of his magnificent nobility fell into the abyss of contempt and reproach.

Pravdin. It is indeed necessary that every state of people should have a decent upbringing; then you can be sure... What's that noise?

Starodum. What happened?

SCENE II

The same ones, Milon, Sofya, Eremeevna.

Milo(pushing away from Sofya Eremeevna, who was clinging to her, shouts to the people, having a naked sword in her hand). Don't anyone dare come near me!

Sophia(rushing to Starodum). Ah, uncle! Protect me!

Starodum, Pravdin, Sofya, Eremeevna(together):

- My friend! What's happened?

- What a crime!

- My heart is trembling!

- My little head is gone!

Milo. Villains! Walking here, I see a lot of people who, grabbing her by the arms, despite resistance and screaming, lead her from the porch to the carriage.

Sophia. Here is my savior!

Starodum(to Milo). My friend!

Pravdin(Eremeevna). Now tell me where you wanted to take me, or what happened to the villain...

Eremeevna. Get married, my father, get married!

Ms. Prostakova(behind the scenes). Rogues! The thieves! Fraudsters! I'll order everyone to be beaten to death!

SCENE III

The same, Mrs. Prostakova, Prostakov, Mitrofan.

Mrs. Prostakova. What a mistress I am in the house! (Pointing to Milo). A stranger threatens, my order means nothing.

Prostakov. Am I to blame?

Prostakov, Mrs. Prostakova(together):

- Take on people?

- I don’t want to be alive.

Pravdin. The crime, to which I myself am a witness, gives the right to you as an uncle, and to you as a groom...

Ms. Prostakova, Prostakov, Prostakov(together):

- To the groom!

- We are good!

- To hell with everything!

Pravdin. Demand from the government that the insult done to her be punished to the fullest extent of the laws. Now I will present her before the court as a violator of civil peace.

Ms. Prostakova(throwing himself on his knees). Fathers, it's my fault!

Pravdin. The husband and son could not help but take part in the crime...

Prostakov, Mitrofan(together, throwing themselves on their knees):

- Guilty without guilt!

- It's my fault, uncle!

Mrs. Prostakova. Oh me, the dog's daughter! What have I done!

PHENOMENA IV

Same with Skotinin.

Skotinin. Well, sister, it was a good joke... Bah! What is this? All of us are on our knees!

Ms. Prostakova(kneeling). Ah, my fathers, the sword does not cut off a guilty head. My sin! Don't ruin me. (To Sophia.) You are my dear mother, forgive me. Have mercy on me (pointing to husband and son) and over poor orphans.

Skotinin. Sister! Are you talking about your mind?

Pravdin. Shut up, Skotinin.

Mrs. Prostakova. God will give you prosperity and with your dear groom, what do you want in my head?

Sophia(To Starodum). Uncle! I forget my insult.

Ms. Prostakova(raising his hands to Starodum). Father! Forgive me too, a sinner. I am a man, not an angel.

Starodum. I know, I know that a person cannot be an angel. And you don’t even have to be a devil.

Milo. Both her crime and her repentance are worthy of contempt.

Pravdin(To Starodum). Your slightest complaint, your one word before the government... and it cannot be saved.

Starodum. I don't want anyone to die. I forgive her.

Everyone jumped up from their knees.

Mrs. Prostakova. Forgive me! Ah, father!... Well! Now I will give the dawn to my people. Now I'll go through everyone one by one. Now I’ll find out who let her go. No, scammers! No, thieves! I will not forgive a century, I will not forgive this ridicule.

Pravdin. Why do you want to punish your people?

Mrs. Prostakova. Oh, father, what kind of question is this? Am I not powerful in my people too?

Pravdin. Do you consider yourself to have the right to fight whenever you want?

Skotinin. Isn't a nobleman free to beat a servant whenever he wants?

Pravdin. Whenever he wants! What kind of hunt is this? You are straight Skotinin. No, madam, no one is free to tyrannize.

Mrs. Prostakova. Not free! A nobleman is not free to flog his servants when he wants; But why have we been given a decree on the freedom of the nobility?

Starodum. A master at interpreting decrees!

Mrs. Prostakova. If you please, mock me, but now I’m going to turn everyone on their head... (Tries to go.)

Pravdin(stopping her). Stop, madam. (Taking out the paper and speaking in an important voice to Prostakov.) In the name of the government, I order you this very hour to gather your people and peasants to announce to them a decree that for the inhumanity of your wife, to which your extreme weakness of mind allowed her, the government commands me to take custody of your house and villages.

Prostakov. A! What have we come to!

Mrs. Prostakova. How! New trouble! For what? For what, father? That I am the mistress in my house...

Pravdin. An inhuman lady, who cannot tolerate evil in a well-established state. (To Prostakov) Come on.

Prostakov(walks away, clasping his hands). Who is this from, mother?

Ms. Prostakova(mourning). Oh, grief has taken over! Oh, sad!

Skotinin. Bah! bah! bah! Yes, that’s how they’ll get to me. Yes, and any Skotinin can fall under guardianship... I’ll get out of here as quickly as possible.

Mrs. Prostakova. I'm losing everything! I'm completely dying!

Skotinin(To Starodum). I was coming to you to get some sense. Groom…

Starodum(pointing to Milo). Here he is.

Skotinin. Yeah! so I have nothing to do here. Harness the wagon, and...

Pravdin. Yes, go to your pigs. Don’t forget, however, to tell all the Skotinins what they are exposed to.

Skotinin. How not to warn your friends! I will tell them that they people...

Pravdin. Loved more, or at least...

Skotinin. Well?…

Pravdin. At least they didn't touch it.

Skotinin(leaving). At least they didn't touch it.

PHENOMENA V

Ms. Prostakova, Starodum, Pravdin, Mitrofan, Sofya, Eremeevna.

Ms. Prostakova(Pravdin). Father, don’t destroy me, what did you get? Is it possible to somehow cancel the decree? Are all decrees being implemented?

Pravdin. I will not step down from my position in any way.

Mrs. Prostakova. Give me at least three days. (To the side.) I would make myself known...

Pravdin. Not for three hours.

Starodum. Yes, my friend! Even in three hours she can do so much mischief that you can’t help it with a century.

Mrs. Prostakova. How can you, father, get into the details yourself?

Pravdin. It's my business. Someone else’s property will be returned to its owners, and...

Mrs. Prostakova. How about getting rid of debts?... Teachers are underpaid...

Pravdin. Teachers? (Eremeevna.) Are they here? Enter them here.

Eremeevna. The tea that arrived. And what about the German, my father?...

Pravdin. Call everyone.

Eremeevna leaves.

Pravdin. Don't worry about anything, madam, I will please everyone.

Starodum(seeing Mrs. Prostakova in anguish). Madam! You will feel better about yourself, having lost the power to do bad things to others.

Mrs. Prostakova. Thankful for the mercy! Where am I good for when in my house my hands and will have no power!

SCENE VI

The same ones, Eremeevna, Vralman, Kuteikin and Tsyfirkin.

Eremeevna(introducing the teachers to Pravdin). That's all our bastard for you, my father.

Vralman(to Pravdin). Fasche fisoko-i-plakhorotie. They fooled me to ask sepa?...

Kuteikin(to Pravdin). The call came and came.

Tsyfirkin(to Pravdin). What will the order be, your honor?

Starodum(when Vralman arrives he peers at him). Bah! Is that you, Vralman?

Vralman(recognizing Starodum). Ay! ah! ah! ah! ah! It's you, my gracious master! (Kissing the floor of Starodum.) Are you an old lady, my dear fellow, are you going to cheat?

Pravdin. How? Is he familiar to you?

Starodum. How come I don’t know you? He was my coachman for three years.

Everyone shows surprise.

Pravdin. Quite a teacher!

Starodum. Are you a teacher here? Vralman! I thought, really, that you were a kind person and would not take on anything that was not your own.

Vralman. What are you saying, my father? I’m not the first one, I’m not the last one. For three months in Moscow I was staggering around the place, kutsher nihte not nata. I got a lipo with a holot to measure, a lipo earplug...

Pravdin(to teachers). By the will of the government, having become the guardian of this house, I am releasing you.

Tsyfirkin. Better not.

Kuteikin. Are you willing to let go? Yes, first let’s get upset...

Pravdin. What do you need?

Kuteikin. No, dear sir, my account is very large. For six months for studying, for shoes that you wore out at the age of three, for the downtime that you came here, it happened, in vain, for...

Mrs. Prostakova. Insatiable soul! Kuteikin! What is this for?

Pravdin. Do not interfere, madam, I beg you.

Mrs. Prostakova. But if it's true, what did you teach Mitrofanushka?

Kuteikin. It's his business. Not mine.

Pravdin(To Kuteikin). Good good. (To Tsyfirkin.) How much do you need to pay?

Tsyfirkin. To me? Nothing.

Mrs. Prostakova. For one year, father, he was given ten rubles, and for another year he was not paid a half ruble.

Tsyfirkin. So: with those ten rubles I wore out my boots in two years. We're even.

Pravdin. What about studying?

Tsyfirkin. Nothing.

Starodum. Like nothing?

Tsyfirkin. I won't take anything. He didn't adopt anything.

Starodum. However, you still have to pay less.

Tsyfirkin. My pleasure. I served the sovereign for more than twenty years. I took money for service, I didn’t take it in vain, and I won’t take it.

Starodum. What a good man!

Starodum and Milon take money out of their wallets.

Pravdin. Aren't you ashamed, Kuteikin?

Kuteikin(lowering his head). Shame on you, damned one.

Starodum(To Tsyfirkin). Here's to you, my friend, for your kind soul.

Tsyfirkin. Thank you, Your Highness. Thankful. You are free to give me. I myself, without deserving it, will not demand a century.

Milo(giving him money). Here's more for you, my friend!

Tsyfirkin. And thanks again.

Pravdin also gives him money.

Tsyfirkin. Why, your honor, are you complaining?

Pravdin. Because you are not like Kuteikin.

Tsyfirkin. AND! Your Honor. I'm a soldier.

Pravdin(To Tsyfirkin). Go ahead, my friend, with God.

Tsyfirkin leaves.

Pravdin. And you, Kuteikin, perhaps come here tomorrow and take the trouble to settle accounts with the lady herself.

Kuteikin(running out). With myself! I'm giving up on everything.

Vralman(To Starodum). Starofa hearing is not ostafte, fashe fysokorotie. Take me back to the sepa.

Starodum. Yes, Vralman, I guess, have you fallen behind the horses?

Vralman. Hey, no, my dad! Shiuchi with great hospotam, it concerned me that I was with horses.

SCENE VII

Same with the valet.

Valet(To Starodum). Your carriage is ready.

Vralman. Will you kill me now?

Starodum. Go sit on the box.

Vralman leaves.

THE LAST PHENOMENON

Ms. Prostakova, Starodum, Milon, Sofya, Pravdin, Mitrofan, Eremeevna.

Starodum(to Pravdin, holding the hands of Sophia and Milan). Well, my friend! We go. Wish us...

Pravdin. All the happiness to which honest hearts are entitled.

Ms. Prostakova(rushing to hug his son). You are the only one left with me, my dear friend, Mitrofanushka!

Prostakov. Let go, mother, how you imposed yourself...

Mrs. Prostakova. And you! And you leave me! A! ungrateful! (She fainted.)

Sophia(running up to her). My God! She has no memory.

Starodum(Sofya). Help her, help her.

Sofya and Eremeevna are helping.

Pravdin(To Mitrofan). Scoundrel! Should you be rude to your mother? It was her crazy love for you that brought her the most misfortune.

Mitrofan. It’s like she doesn’t know...

Pravdin. Rude!

Starodum(Eremeevna). What is she now? What?

Eremeevna(looking intently at Ms. Prostakova and clasping her hands). He will wake up, my father, he will wake up.

Pravdin(To Mitrofan). WITH you, my friend, I know what to do. I went to serve...

Mitrofan(waving his hand). For me, where they tell me to go.

Ms. Prostakova(waking up in despair). I'm completely lost! My power has been taken away! You can’t show your eyes anywhere out of shame! I don't have a son!

Starodum(pointing to Ms. Prostakova) These are the fruits worthy of evil!

Current page: 1 (book has 5 pages in total)

Denis Ivanovich Fonvizin
Minor
Comedy in five acts

Characters

Prostakov.

Ms. Prostakova, his wife.

Mitrofan, their son, a minor.

Eremeevna, Mitrofanova's mother.

Pravdin.

Starodum.

Sophia, Starodum's niece.

Milo.

Skotinin, brother of Mrs. Prostakova.

Kuteikin, seminarian.

Tsyfirkin, retired sergeant.

Vralman, teacher.

Trishka, tailor.

Servant Prostakova.

Valet Starodum.

Action in the village of Prostakovs.

Act one

Phenomenon I

Mrs. Prostakova, Mitrofan, Eremeevna.

Ms. Prostakova (examining the caftan on Mitrofan). The caftan is all ruined. Eremeevna, bring the swindler Trishka here. (Eremeevna leaves.) He, the thief, burdened him everywhere. Mitrofanushka, my friend! I'm guessing you're dying. Call your father here.

Mitrofan leaves.

Phenomenon II

Mrs. Prostakova, Eremeevna, Trishka.

Ms. Prostakova (Trishka). And you, brute, come closer. Didn’t I tell you, you thieving mug, that you should make your caftan wider? The first child grows; another, a child and without a narrow caftan of delicate build. Tell me, idiot, what is your excuse?

Trishka. But, madam, I was self-taught. I reported to you at the same time: well, if you please, give it to the tailor.

Mrs. Prostakova. So is it really necessary to be a tailor to be able to sew a caftan well? What bestial reasoning!

Trishka. Yes, I studied to be a tailor, madam, but I didn’t.

Mrs. Prostakova. While searching, he argues. A tailor learned from another, another from a third, but who did the first tailor learn from? Speak up, beast.

Trishka. Yes, the first tailor, perhaps, sewed worse than mine.

Mitrofan (runs in). I called my father. I deigned to say: immediately.

Mrs. Prostakova. So go and get him out if you don’t get the good stuff.

Mitrofan. Yes, here comes the father.

Scene III

Same with Prostakov.

Mrs. Prostakova. What, why do you want to hide from me? This, sir, is how far I have lived with your indulgence. What's a new thing for a son to do with his uncle's agreement? What kind of caftan did Trishka deign to sew?

Prostakov (stammering out of timidity). Me... a little baggy.

Mrs. Prostakova. You yourself are baggy, smart head.

Prostakov. Yes, I thought, mother, that it seemed so to you.

Mrs. Prostakova. Are you blind yourself?

Prostakov. With your eyes, mine see nothing.

Mrs. Prostakova. This is the kind of hubby the Lord gave me: he doesn’t know how to figure out what’s wide and what’s narrow.

Prostakov. In this, mother, I believed and believe you.

Mrs. Prostakova. So believe also that I do not intend to indulge the slaves. Go, sir, and punish now...

Phenomenon IV

Same with Skotinin.

Skotinin. Whom? For what? On the day of my conspiracy! I ask you, sister, for such a holiday to postpone the punishment until tomorrow; and tomorrow, if you please, I myself will willingly help. If I weren’t Taras Skotinin, if not every fault is my fault. In this, sister, I have the same custom as you. Why are you so angry?

Mrs. Prostakova. Well, brother, I’ll go crazy on your eyes. Mitrofanushka, come here. Is this caftan baggy?

Skotinin. No.

Prostakov. Yes, I can already see, mother, that it is narrow.

Skotinin. I don't see that either. The caftan, brother, is well made.

Ms. Prostakova (Trishka). Get out, you bastard. (Eremeevna.) Go ahead, Eremeevna, give the child breakfast. Vit, I’m having tea, the teachers will come soon.

Eremeevna. He already, mother, deigned to eat five buns.

Mrs. Prostakova. So you feel sorry for the sixth one, beast? What zeal! Please take a look.

Eremeevna. Cheers, mother. I said this for Mitrofan Terentyevich. I grieved until the morning.

Mrs. Prostakova. Ah, Mother of God! What happened to you, Mitrofanushka?

Mitrofan. Yes, mother. Yesterday after dinner it hit me.

Skotinin. Yes, it’s clear, brother, you had a hearty dinner.

Mitrofan. And I, uncle, almost didn’t have dinner at all.

Prostakov. I remember, my friend, you wanted to eat something.

Mitrofan. What! Three slices of corned beef, and hearth slices, I don’t remember, five, I don’t remember, six.

Eremeevna. Every now and then he asked for a drink at night. I deigned to eat a whole jug of kvass.

Mitrofan. And now I’m walking around like crazy. All night such rubbish was in my eyes.

Mrs. Prostakova. What rubbish, Mitrofanushka?

Mitrofan. Yes, either you, mother, or father.

Mrs. Prostakova. How is this possible?

Mitrofan. As soon as I start to fall asleep, I see that you, mother, deign to beat father.

Prostakov (to the side). Well, my bad! Sleep in hand!

Mitrofan (loosen up). So I felt sorry.

Ms. Prostakova (with annoyance). Who, Mitrofanushka?

Mitrofan. You, mother: you are so tired, beating your father.

Mrs. Prostakova. Surround me, my dear friend! Here, son, is my only consolation.

Skotinin. Well, Mitrofanushka, I see you are a mother’s son, not a father’s son!

Prostakov. At least I love him, as a parent should, he’s a smart child, he’s a sensible child, he’s funny, he’s an entertainer; sometimes I am beside myself with him and with joy I truly do not believe that he is my son.

Skotinin. Only now our funny man is standing there, frowning.

Mrs. Prostakova. Shouldn't we send for a doctor to the city?

Mitrofan. No, no, mother. I'd rather get better on my own. Now I’ll run to the dovecote, maybe…

Mrs. Prostakova. So maybe the Lord is merciful. Go and have some fun, Mitrofanushka.

Mitrofan and Eremeevna leave.

Phenomenon V

Ms. Prostakova, Prostakov, Skotinin.

Skotinin. Why can't I see my bride? Where is she? There will be an agreement in the evening, so isn’t it time to tell her that they are marrying her off?

Mrs. Prostakova. We'll make it, brother. If we tell her this ahead of time, she may still think that we are reporting to her. Although by marriage, however, I am related to her; and I love that strangers listen to me.

Prostakov (to Skotinin). To tell the truth, we treated Sophia like an orphan. After her father she remained a baby. About six months ago, her mother, and my in-law, had a stroke...

Ms. Prostakova (showing as if he is baptizing his heart). The power of the god is with us.

Prostakov. From which she went to the next world. Her uncle, Mr. Starodum, went to Siberia; and since there has been no rumor or news of him for several years now, we consider him dead. We, seeing that she was left alone, took her to our village and look after her estate as if it were our own.

Mrs. Prostakova. What, why have you gone so crazy today, my father? Looking for a brother, he might think that we took her to us out of interest.

Prostakov. Well, mother, how should he think about this? After all, we can’t move Sofyushkino’s real estate estate to ourselves.

Skotinin. And although the movable has been put forward, I am not a petitioner. I don’t like to bother, and I’m afraid. No matter how much my neighbors offended me, no matter how much loss they caused, I did not attack anyone, and any loss, rather than going after it, I would rip off from my own peasants, and the ends would go to waste.

Prostakov. It’s true, brother: the whole neighborhood says that you are a master at collecting rent.

Mrs. Prostakova. At least you taught us, brother father; but we just can’t do it. Since we took away everything the peasants had, we can’t take anything back. Such a disaster!

Skotinin. Please, sister, I will teach you, I will teach you, just marry me to Sophia.

Mrs. Prostakova. Did you really like this girl that much?

Skotinin. No, it's not the girl I like.

Prostakov. So next door to her village?

Skotinin. And not the villages, but the fact that it is found in the villages and what my mortal desire is.

Mrs. Prostakova. Until what, brother?

Skotinin. I love pigs, sister, and in our neighborhood there are such large pigs that there is not a single one of them that, standing on its hind legs, would not be taller than each of us by a whole head.

Prostakov. It’s a strange thing, brother, how family can resemble family. Mitrofanushka is our uncle. And he was a hunter of pigs, just like you. When I was still three years old, when I saw a pig, I used to tremble with joy.

Skotinin. This is truly a curiosity! Well, brother, Mitrofan loves pigs because he is my nephew. There is some similarity here; Why am I so addicted to pigs?

Prostakov. And there is some similarity here, I think so.

Scene VI

Same with Sophia.

Sophia entered holding a letter in her hand and looking cheerful.

Ms. Prostakova (Sofya). Why are you so happy, mother? What are you happy about?

Sophia. I have now received good news. My uncle, about whom we knew nothing for so long, whom I love and honor as my father, recently arrived in Moscow. Here is the letter I have now received from him.

Ms. Prostakova (frightened, with anger). How! Starodum, your uncle, is alive! And you deign to say that he has risen! That's a fair amount of fiction!

Sophia. Yes, he never died.

Mrs. Prostakova. Didn't die! But shouldn't he die? No, madam, these are your inventions, in order to intimidate us with your uncle, so that we give you freedom. Uncle is a smart man; he, seeing me in the wrong hands, will find a way to help me out. That's what you're glad about, madam; However, perhaps, don’t be very happy: your uncle, of course, did not resurrect.

Skotinin. Sister, what if he didn’t die?

Prostakov. God forbid he didn't die!

Ms. Prostakova (to husband). How did you not die? Why are you confusing grandma? Don’t you know that for several years now he has been commemorated by me in memorials for his repose? Surely my sinful prayers didn’t reach me! (To Sophia.) Perhaps a letter for me. (Almost throws up.) I bet it's some kind of amorous. And I can guess from whom. This is from the officer who was looking to marry you and whom you yourself wanted to marry. What a beast gives you letters without my asking! I'll get there. This is what we have come to. They write letters to the girls! The girls can read and write!

Sophia. Read it yourself, madam. You will see that nothing could be more innocent.

Mrs. Prostakova. Read it for yourself! No, madam, thank God, I was not brought up like that. I can receive letters, but I always tell someone else to read them. (To my husband.) Read.

Prostakov (looks for a long time). It's tricky.

Mrs. Prostakova. And you, my father, were apparently raised like a pretty girl. Brother, read it, work hard.

Skotinin. I? I haven't read anything in my life, sister! God saved me from this boredom.

Sophia. Let me read it.

Mrs. Prostakova. Oh mother! I know that you are a craftswoman, but I don’t really believe you. Here, I’m having tea, teacher Mitrofanushkin will come soon. I tell him...

Skotinin. Have you started teaching the youngster to read and write?

Mrs. Prostakova. Oh, dear brother! I've been studying for four years now. There’s nothing, it’s a sin to say that we don’t try to educate Mitrofanushka. We pay three teachers. The sexton from Pokrov, Kuteikin, comes to him to read and write. One retired sergeant, Tsyfirkin, teaches him arithmetic, father. Both of them come here from the city. The city is three miles away from us, father. He is taught French and all sciences by the German Adam Adamych Vralman. This is three hundred rubles a year. We seat you at the table with us. Our women wash his linen. Where needed - a horse. There is a glass of wine at the table. At night there is a tallow candle, and our Fomka sends the wig for free. To tell the truth, we are happy with him, dear brother. He doesn't oppress the child. Vit, my father, while Mitrofanushka is still undergrowth, sweat and pamper him; and there, in ten years, when he enters, God forbid, into service, he will suffer everything. As for anyone, happiness is destined for them, brother. From our surname Prostakovs, look - the tissue, lying on its side, is flying to its ranks. Why is their Mitrofanushka worse? Bah! Yes, by the way, our dear guest came here.

Scene VII

Same with Pravdin.

Mrs. Prostakova. Brother, my friend! I recommend to you our dear guest, Mr. Pravdin; and to you, my lord, I recommend my brother.

Pravdin. I am glad to have made your acquaintance.

Skotinin. Okay, my lord! As for the last name, I didn’t hear it.

Pravdin. I call myself Pravdin so you can hear.

Skotinin. Which native, my lord? Where are the villages?

Pravdin. I was born in Moscow, if you need to know, and my villages are in the local governorship.

Skotinin. Do I dare ask, my sir—I don’t know my first and patronymic—if there are pigs in your villages?

Mrs. Prostakova. Enough, brother, let’s start about pigs. Let's talk better about our grief. (To Pravdin.) Here, father! God told us to take the girl into our arms. She deigns to receive letters from her uncles. Uncles write to her from the other world. Do me a favor, my father, take the trouble to read it out loud to all of us.

Pravdin. Excuse me, madam. I never read letters without the permission of those to whom they are written.

Sophia. I ask you this. You will do me a great favor.

Pravdin. If you order. (Is reading.)“Dear niece! My affairs forced me to live for several years in separation from my neighbors; and the distance deprived me of the pleasure of hearing about you. I am now in Moscow, having lived in Siberia for several years. I can serve as an example that you can make your own fortune through hard work and honesty. By these means, with the help of happiness, I earned ten thousand rubles in income...”

Skotinin and both Prostakovs. Ten thousand!

Pravdin (is reading). “...to whom, my dear niece, I make you heir...”

Mrs. Prostakova. You as heiress!

Prostakov. Sophia is the heiress!

Skotinin. Her heiress!

Ms. Prostakova (rushing to hug Sophia). Congratulations, Sofyushka! Congratulations, my soul! I'm overjoyed! Now you need a groom. I, I don’t wish for a better bride for Mitrofanushka. That's it, uncle! That's my dear father! I myself still thought that God was protecting him, that he was still alive.

Skotinin (extending his hand). Well, sister, quickly shake hands.

Ms. Prostakova (quietly to Skotinin). Wait, brother. First you need to ask her if she still wants to marry you?

Skotinin. How! What a question! Are you really going to report to her?

Skotinin. And for what? Even if you read for five years, you won’t finish reading better than ten thousand.

Ms. Prostakova (to Sophia). Sophia, my soul! let's go to my bedroom. I have an urgent need to talk to you. (Took Sophia away.)

Skotinin. Bah! So I see that today it is unlikely that there will be any conspiracy.

Scene VIII

Pravdin, Prostakov, Skotinin, servant.

Servant (to Prostakov, out of breath). Master! master! soldiers came and stopped in our village.

Prostakov. What a disaster! Well, they will ruin us completely!

Pravdin. What are you afraid of?

Prostakov. Ah, dear father! We've already seen the sights. I don’t dare show up to them.

Pravdin. Do not be afraid. They are, of course, led by an officer who will not allow any insolence. Come with me to him. I am sure that you are timid in vain.

Pravdin, Prostakov and the servant leave.

Skotinin. Everyone left me alone. The idea was to go for a walk in the barnyard.

End of the first act

Act two

Phenomenon I

Pravdin, Milon.

Milo. How glad I am, my dear friend, that I accidentally met you! Tell me in what case...

Pravdin. As a friend, I will tell you the reason for my stay here. I have been appointed a member of the local governorship. I have orders to travel around the local district; and besides, out of my own deed of heart, I do not allow myself to notice those malicious ignoramuses who, having complete power over their people, use it inhumanly for evil. You know the way of thinking of our governor. With what zeal does he help suffering humanity! With what zeal does he thus fulfill the philanthropic forms of the highest power! In our region we ourselves have experienced that where the governor is such as the governor is depicted in the Institution, there the welfare of the inhabitants is true and reliable. I've been living here for three days now. He found the landowner an infinite fool, and his wife a despicable fury, whose hellish disposition brings misfortune to their entire house. Are you thinking, my friend, tell me, how long did you stay here?

Milo. I'm leaving here in a few hours.

Pravdin. What's so soon? Have a rest.

Milo. I can not. I was ordered to lead the soldiers without delay... yes, moreover, I myself am eager to be in Moscow.

Pravdin. What is the reason?

Milo. I will tell you the secret of my heart, dear friend! I am in love and have the happiness of being loved. For more than six months I have been separated from the one who is dearer to me than anything else in the world, and what is even sadder is that I have not heard anything about her during all this time. Often, attributing the silence to her coldness, I was tormented by grief; but suddenly I received news that shocked me. They write to me that, after the death of her mother, some distant relatives took her to their villages. I don’t know: neither who, nor where. Perhaps she is now in the hands of some selfish people who, taking advantage of her orphanhood, are keeping her in tyranny. This thought alone makes me beside myself.

Pravdin. I see similar inhumanity in the house here. I am striving, however, to soon put limits on the wife’s malice and the husband’s stupidity. I have already notified our boss about all the local barbarities and I have no doubt that measures will be taken to calm them down.

Milo. Happy are you, my friend, being able to alleviate the fate of the unfortunate. I don’t know what to do in my sad situation.

Pravdin. Let me ask about her name.

Milo(excited). A! here she is.

Phenomenon II

Same with Sophia.

Sophia (in admiration). Milon! Do I see you?

Pravdin. What happiness!

Milo. This is the one who owns my heart. Dear Sophia! Tell me, how do I find you here?

Sophia. How many sorrows have I endured since the day of our separation! My unscrupulous relatives...

Pravdin. My friend! Don’t ask about what is so sad for her... You will learn from me what rudeness...

Milo. Unworthy people!

Sophia. Today, however, for the first time the local hostess changed her behavior towards me. Having heard that my uncle was making me an heiress, she suddenly turned from being rude and scolding to the point of being affectionate to the very base, and I can see from all her circumlocutions that she intends me to be his son’s bride.

Milo(eagerly). And you didn’t show her complete contempt at that very moment?..

Sophia. No…

Milo. And you didn’t tell her that you had a commitment from the heart, that...

Sophia. No.

Milo. A! now I see my destruction. My opponent is happy! I do not deny all the merits in it. He may be reasonable, enlightened, kind; but so that you can compare with me in my love for you, so that...

Sophia (grinning). My God! If you saw him, your jealousy would drive you to the extreme!

Milo(indignantly). I imagine all its virtues.

Sophia. You can’t even imagine everyone. Although he is sixteen years old, he has already reached the last degree of his perfection and will not go any further.

Pravdin. How can it not go further, madam? He finishes studying the Book of Hours; and there, one must think, they will start working on the Psalter.

Milo. How! Is this my opponent? And, dear Sophia, why do you torment me with a joke? You know how easily a passionate person is upset by the slightest suspicion.

Sophia. Think how miserable my condition is! I couldn’t answer this stupid proposal decisively. In order to get rid of their rudeness, in order to have some freedom, I was forced to hide my feelings.

Milo. What did you answer her?

Here Skotinin walks through the theater, lost in thought, and no one sees him.

Sophia. I said that my fate depended on my uncle’s will, that he himself promised to come here in his letter, which (to Pravdin) Mr. Skotinin did not allow you to finish reading.

Milo. Skotinin!

Skotinin. I!

Scene III

Same with Skotinin.

Pravdin. How did you sneak up, Mr. Skotinin! I would not expect this from you.

Skotinin. I passed by you. I heard that they were calling me, and I responded. I have this custom: whoever screams - Skotinin! And I told him: I am! What are you, brothers, really? I myself served in the guard and was retired as a corporal. It used to be that at the roll call they would shout: Taras Skotinin! And I’m at the top of my lungs: I am!

Pravdin. We didn’t call you now, and you can go where you were going.

Skotinin. I wasn’t going anywhere, but wandering around, lost in thought. I have such a custom that if I get into my head, I can’t knock it out with a nail. In my mind, you hear, what came into my mind is stuck here. That’s all I think about, that’s all I see in a dream, as if in reality, and in reality, as in a dream.

Pravdin. Why would you be so interested now?

Skotinin. Oh, brother, you are my dear friend! Miracles are happening to me. My sister quickly took me from my village to hers, and if she just as quickly takes me from her village to mine, then I can say with a clear conscience before the whole world: I went for nothing, I brought nothing.

Pravdin. What a pity, Mr. Skotinin! Your sister plays with you like a ball.

Skotinin (angry). How about a ball? God protect! Yes, I myself will throw it so that the whole village will not find it in a week.

Sophia. Oh, how angry you are!

Milo. What happened to you?

Skotinin. You, smart man, judge for yourself. My sister brought me here to get married. Now she herself came up with a challenge: “What do you want, brother, in a wife; If only you had a good pig, brother.” No, sister! I want to have my own piglets. It's not easy to fool me.

Pravdin. It seems to me myself, Mr. Skotinin, that your sister is thinking about a wedding, but not about yours.

Skotinin. What a parable! I am not a hindrance to anyone else. Everyone should marry his bride. I won’t touch someone else’s, and don’t touch mine. (Sofya.) Don't worry, darling. No one will interrupt you from me.

Sophia. What does it mean? Here's something new!

Milo(screamed). What audacity!

Skotinin (to Sophia). Why are you afraid?

Pravdin (to Milan). How can you be angry with Skotinin!

Sophia (to Skotinin). Am I really destined to be your wife?

Milo. I can hardly resist!

Skotinin. You can’t beat your betrothed with a horse, darling! It's a sin to blame for your own happiness. You will live happily ever after with me. Ten thousand to your income! Eco happiness has arrived; Yes, I have never seen so much since I was born; Yes, I will buy all the pigs from the world with them; Yes, you hear me, I’ll do it so that everyone will blow the trumpet: in this little area around here there are only pigs to live.

Pravdin. When only your cattle can be happy, then your wife will have bad peace from them and from you.

Skotinin. Poor peace! bah! bah! bah! Don't I have enough light rooms? I’ll give her a coal stove and a bed for her alone. You are my dear friend! If now, without seeing anything, I have a special peck for each pig, then I’ll find a light for my wife.

Milo. What a bestial comparison!

Pravdin (to Skotinin). Nothing will happen, Mr. Skotinin! I will tell you that your sister will read it for her son.

Skotinin. How! The nephew should interrupt his uncle! Yes, I’ll break him like hell at the first meeting. Well, if I’m a pig’s son, if I’m not her husband, or Mitrofan is a freak.

Comedy in five acts

Characters

Prostakov. Mrs. Prostakova, his wife. Mitrofan, their son, is an undergrowth. Eremeevna, Mitrofanov’s mother. Pravdin. Starodum. Sophia, Starodum's niece. Milo. Skotinin, brother of Mrs. Prostakova. Kuteikin, seminarian. Tsyfirkin, retired sergeant. Vralman, teacher. Trishka, tailor. Prostakov's servant. Starodum's valet.

Action in the village of Prostakovs.

Act one

Phenomenon I

Mrs. Prostakova, Mitrofan, Eremeevna.

Mitrofan leaves.

Phenomenon II

Mrs. Prostakova, Eremeevna, Trishka.

Scene III

Same with Prostakov.

Phenomenon IV

Same with Skotinin.

Mitrofan and Eremeevna leave.

Phenomenon V

Ms. Prostakova, Prostakov, Skotinin.

Scene VI

The same Sophia.

Sophia entered holding a letter in her hand and looking cheerful.

Scene VII

Same with Pravdin.