New Year's drawings with children in kindergarten. Gingerbread cookies and gingerbread
Taken from the Internet.
Greed, to one degree or another, is common to all children. For some period, the child’s favorite words become: “mine”, “mine”, “mine”, “where am I?” Of course, such manifestations of children's nature do not please parents.
Why is the child greedy?
After 2 years, the child begins to recognize himself as an individual, to separate his own “I” and the “rest of the world.” At the same time, the baby’s favorite toy is often perceived as a part of himself. By defending his property, he protects the boundaries of his “I”. And that's okay. A child needs to go through this stage of selfishness in order to learn generosity. It is impossible to comprehend the concept of “alien” without the concept of “mine”.
In some situations, a baby may refuse to share because he does not like the child (or adult) to whom he must give in. Parents often feel that a 3-year-old child doesn’t care who he plays with (the neighbor in the sandbox doesn’t fight, and that’s good). But this one little man already has his own likes and dislikes, often different from the favors of his parents. And these feelings must also be respected.
What to do if a child does not share toys with siblings or playground friends? How to teach your child to be generous?
To answer this question, let's first look at what parents shouldn't do.
Common mistakes when teaching children to share.
Never force a child. What do you think can be taught to a child by taking away a toy from him and giving it to another child?
Imagine for a moment that your boss comes into your office, takes your laptop and gives it to your co-worker.
Don't force the older child to always give in to the younger one.
Kids want to be like their older brothers and sisters. If the older girl plays ball, she younger sister or the brother will also want a ball (a doll, a house, a dog, a construction set - whatever she plays with).
But is it fair if the older child always gives up his games just because the younger one wants it? Sometimes we forget that sharing involves respect for others. Teaching your child to respect other people's wishes is as important as teaching him to be generous.
When adults intervene in children's quarrels over toys, first of all they should think not about the educational moment, but about the children's feelings.
If two children are fighting over a toy, don't take one of them's sides.
Children are very sensitive to the actions of their parents. If a mother takes a toy from an older one in favor of a younger one, the first one perceives this as a message: “Mom loves him more than me.” If one child complains to his mother about the second, and the mother immediately rushes to his defense, the second child will feel offended and, most likely, this will result in extreme negative emotions in relation to the first.
Do not label your child as “greedy-beef”, “ harmful child" etc. When judging behavior, do not judge the child himself.
How to teach a baby to share?
It will be easier for your child to perceive the idea of exchange correctly if you can explain two important points to him:
He shares his toy only for a while. Another kid will play and give it back to him.
Concessions are a two-way phenomenon. He will give the car to another kid, but he can play with his ball himself. Today he will share cookies with his brother, and tomorrow he will share chocolate with him.
In some situations the most the best solution will not focus attention on the conflict, but will distract the children.
Of course, parents feel embarrassment and even shame when their children are greedy.
But if you are confident in your child's good foundation, it will be easier for you to remain calm in a conflict situation and respond to your child's unpleasant behavior with understanding.
Olga Dekker
Hello, my dear readers!
Tell me, are your children never greedy? Always sharing toys? For some reason, it seems to me that all people have a reluctance to give away something of their own. Especially if people are 3 years old or even younger :)
Let's talk about how to teach a child to share. I am especially interested in how to act if the child categorically does not want to give something away?
- Demand?
- Select?
- Or maybe the baby has the right to decide this issue himself?
And I’ll also tell you how, in my family, kids sometimes turn into greedy beef... :)
I suggest starting with a cartoon!
And what? You can teach sharing and giving in with the help of cartoons - after all, all children love them. Adults just need to choose the right ones.
For example, my sons enjoy watching the cartoon about Trotro the donkey. And I found an episode about how Trotro didn't want to share his toys. Look here:
If I had one child, we would be a little less likely to face the need to share with other children. For example, only on the playground. But I'm having twins! :)
Example from life
My sons are already 2 years old. And recently they began to have clashes and energetic sharing with loud cries of “Yessss!” and “I-I-I-I!”
You know, at such moments I get a little lost...
It can even be difficult for an adult to understand why a child needs exactly that toy that is now in the hands of another. Despite the fact that there is exactly the same one nearby.
But no, you need exactly the one in the hands of your brother. And the brother, in turn, is unpleasantly surprised that he must urgently give back what is his. : (
By the way, our friend a child psychologist answered my question “should a child share toys?” answered:
“You can’t expect innate generosity. This is not inherent in nature. The baby explores the world around him.
And at this time, everything that interests him, everything that he likes automatically becomes “his.” And he cannot suddenly – on our orders – take and understand everything about greed and generosity.”
We need to be patient and gradually teach the child to share.”
If I buy cars for my sons, then, of course, two :)
Sometimes they are the same, but sometimes they are different. And recently my uncle gave us beautiful plush whales and sharks. They are somewhat similar, but at the same time different.
I think in such cases it is better to let the children first choose what they like best. And then explain that now the shark belongs to one of them, and the whale to the other.
After all, no matter what you say, it is very important to introduce a child to the fact that there is not only “one’s own”, but also “someone else’s”.
Although, sometimes the introduction to the concept of “yours is not yours” can be too harsh, in my opinion.
When we walk outside, we often put our toys on the playground so that the other children and mine can play with them.
And it happens that other parents immediately tell their kids: “You can’t! This is someone else's! and quickly take them away. Even though I tell them: “You can! Play with us! : (
It seems to me that force and rudeness cannot be used to explain any rules or teach a child to share.
Point of view
1. I think the main thing in this matter is caution and gentleness. There is no need to scold the baby, call him “mean” and “greedy.” There is no need to take away the toy and give it to someone else.
2. Imagine the other extreme - if you managed to suppress the child and teach him to always give everything on demand! Feel guilty with every accusation of greed or redneckness!
This is real psychological trauma! In addition, there could easily be people - in the yard or at school - who would begin to take advantage of his resignation and simplicity. They will take everything from him, offend him...
3. It is very useful to put yourself in the children's shoes.
Imagine that our mother or boss comes up to us adults and takes away our phone or computer (chair, wallet, favorite cup - whatever). And he gives it to our neighbor or colleague.
Would you like this? Will this teach you to share?..
This is, of course, an exaggeration. But it makes it clearer what our sons and daughters can experience if we act rashly.
4. As Carlson said, what is needed here is “calmness, only calmness.” And understanding if the child does not want to share.
He is still small and not familiar with moral standards. He is only just beginning to encounter the concept of “good and bad.” What can he be accused of?! It seems to me that our task is not to force sharing, but to teach to be generous!
Look at this interesting video with advice from a psychologist:
What should we do anyway?
I thought a lot about what to do if a child does not share toys. And it seemed to me that, to begin with, we could present lessons on generosity as an exchange. After all, if a baby receives something new in return for his property, he is interested and not offended.
Just don’t miss two important points:
1. Be sure to emphasize that the exchange is only for a while.
Another boy (or another girl) will play with the toy and give it back. And we need to make sure that they actually return it - then the children will be calm and confident, they will trust.
2. Concessions are a two-way thing.
And here the principle “you - to me, I - to you” fits perfectly! For example, at the site we often offer our balance bikes, and in return we ask you to ride a scooter or bicycle.
After all, many of you have experience in raising children and some ideas on how to teach your child to share... Write about it in the comments :)
Good weather and health to you and your children!
Olga Dekker.
I will be only glad when you are convinced that delicious dishes help to acquire beautiful figure, health and vigor. All the details of this weight loss program.
P. P. S. To be slim, light and attractive, you need to visit more fresh air, drink clean water and eat right.
With recipes healthy dishes I can easily help you! You will receive them regularly and useful tips nutritionist if you subscribe to my newsletter below :)
When you come with your child to almost any playground, most often you hear conversations in the style of: “Dima, give Roma a spatula, he will return it to you, don’t be greedy”, “Nastya, share the molds with the girl”, “Well You’re screaming so hard, he’ll give you your car.”
We live in a society in which for a long time the need to share everything with a friend or just an acquaintance, even the last one, was not in doubt. Only in last years More and more mothers stop taking away their child’s toy at the first request and giving it to another, so as not to seem ill-mannered.
Why shouldn't children be forced to share toys?
When a child turns one year old, he gradually learns to differentiate the world and begins to understand what around him belongs to him and what belongs to mom and dad. His toys, clothes, things that he likes are, as it were, a continuation of his world, of himself. This is why children are so sensitive to the fact that someone wants to take away something that they consider theirs.
Should our children share toys with others? This question often arises in almost every mother. “Most likely, parents are concerned about the child’s future: “Will he be able to find friends, fit into the company, if he behaves like this? Doesn’t share or takes everything from others without asking.” – explains children's and family psychologist Victoria Karavaeva.“Or we, parents, are frightened by how the child looks in the eyes of other mothers and grandmothers, seemingly ill-mannered.”
Irina Mlodik is a famous Russian psychologist in her work “A Book for Non-Ideal Parents or Life on free topic"writes about the so-called parental neurotic guilt. A feeling of guilt that arises without an adequate reason, but thanks to an internal critic who is ready to condemn us endlessly for our mistakes and failures (often invented by ourselves). Therefore, it is very important for us that our child remains “good” in the eyes of other people. Because then we are good too. And if our child does not correspond to external assessment, if he is greedy, or does not want to make contact, to share, then we somehow raised him wrong. So we're not enough good parents. And this guilt forces us to often go against our needs and the needs of our child, but in accordance with the expectations of society (again, often non-existent objectively).
But, it is important to remember that when we automatically force our child to share his toys, without even asking whether he wants it or not, we are raising a comfortable child. Convenient for us, convenient for others. What does it mean? This means that he will grow into a comfortable adult who will not care about his needs, but about how others perceive him. Often such “convenient people” cannot say “no” to others, even when what they were asked to do is to their detriment. Often “convenient people” suffer from the fact that they do not even know how to distinguish their desires - they do not know what they really want.
And also, by forcing a child to share (precisely by forcing, and not by offering to him), we raise him with a feeling of lack of choice and with the feeling that no matter what he wants, it will still be the way someone else needs it.
Toddlers helping and sharing in the playroom
Once, another friend of mine, mother of three children and psychotherapist Rimma Stolper, answering the question about whether a child should share his toys with others, told a situation from her mother’s life. While walking on the playground with her eldest son, she heard the call to share and the dissatisfaction that he did not want to do this. Like, how is this possible, what an ill-mannered child. Then Rimma, with a smile, invited the boy’s mother, who was expressing dissatisfaction, to give her the keys to her car so that she could go and drive it. Rimma seems to have taken her interlocutor by surprise with her proposal. This may not be the kindest answer, but sometimes we forget that to children, their toys are just as important as our valuables and possessions are to us.
“It also happens the other way around,” Victoria continues,- me, how child psychologist, mothers ask how to teach a child to fight back: “What is this, everything is taken away from him on the playground, he is left without toys and is silent.” And in this matter there is again concern for the future, that he will be offended, and he will not be able to stand up for himself. This question often arises among parents when the child is 1-3 years old. Children do not yet have a joint game where it would be worth helping each other and, perhaps, sharing. The fact that they are in the same sandbox or playground does not mean that they have general game. At this age, games are often manipulative: children drive cars, roll ducklings on a stick, pour sand into a bucket, kick a ball. What would it mean to share a toy in this case? Give yours away. It is still difficult for the baby to understand that this is temporary. How difficult it is to appreciate that a toy you like is someone else’s. Thus, what frightens parents in a child’s behavior has nothing to do with age characteristics baby. The child is not greedy and not an invader, not a nanny, and quite well-mannered for his age.”
What to do if the baby doesn't want to share?
So what should you do if a children’s conflict is brewing on the playground and one of the kids is about to break into hysterics? How can mom resolve the situation?
Have the children take turns playing
Instead of just giving another child your toy, have them take turns playing. Learning to take turns is a good skill that can help you a lot in the future.
Encourage children to change
As a rule, I go on all walks or visits with a small bag of toys. Not so that my son would play with them, but in order to exchange with the boy whose car or shovel my son would definitely want to test. In 90% of cases, this tactic helps reduce tension and distract both kids. New and foreign things are always more interesting.
Give your child the opportunity to get out of the situation on their own
Of course, almost every mother sees conflict between children as a potentially dangerous situation for her child. He might be pushed, hit, bitten or something like that. But sometimes children behave differently when they have no spectators, and when there is no mother nearby, who will rush to punish the “offender” at the first peep. Sometimes, when children are left alone with each other, they seem to understand the need to find mutual language, somehow independently resolve the brewing conflict and learn to play together.
What to do when on the playground your child desperately wants another’s toy?
Or vice versa, someone’s child wants your child’s toy, but your baby doesn’t want to give it or change anything. "First of all, - says Victoria Karavaeva, - to be aware that we, adults, attribute meaning to the child’s actions. He can exchange or not give his own to others, but he is greedy or smart - this is the meaning his parents attribute. Everything is fine with the child, he is guided by his emotions and gains experience playing when there are other children around and interesting items, which may not give. How can an adult help a child overcome the experience of abandonment? Introduce rules at home too. For example, that not all objects can be taken (father’s phone, knife, mother’s lipstick), even if you really want to. Stop interesting game, because it's time to go to lunch. And in these situations, mom can only empathize and grieve together that it didn’t work out the way he wanted.”
If a child has certain rules, it is easier for him to put up with refusal. For example, the rule “we do not take someone else’s property without asking.” When someone’s toy or car, gurney, whatever is lying on the playground. Of course, the child will be upset, but you can hug him and say that you are also sorry that you cannot take this. But he doesn’t like it if someone takes his toy without asking. And distraction works best when you offer your child a much more interesting alternative - ride your teddy bear on a swing, or push cars down a slide and see which one comes first.
Our children still have many new challenges ahead that will teach them how to interact with the world. But our task, as parents, is to always remain on their side.
Should our children share their toys? was last modified: January 11th, 2018 by Olga Borovskikh
2013-01-26 17:05:35
Hello, Ekaterina. I just read your article about whether a child should share. Thank you very much, you just opened my eyes. I, too, have always (since childhood) believed that sharing is necessary. But it’s so obvious - my comb, my things, my cosmetics. Of course, these are objects through which one can become infected, toys, especially among siblings - this is something else, but really this is a violation of the child’s personal space. So simple and so true. Thank you also for the fact that your advice helps me improve my relationship with my little daughter. I hope she and her little brother will grow up friendly thanks to your advice. Good luck to you!
2013-01-14 13:18:45
Very interesting. In addition, I heard that children who were forced to share can then grow up to be banal gluttons, shopaholics and messengers for high-tech. Unfortunately, this is everywhere now - remember the recent hype with the release of the new iPhone - everyone is so upset that their cool phone is now outdated and they want to get a new one by all means... terrible a large number of such people!
Victoria
2014-11-12 07:15:58
My children are the same age as in the country and the situation is the same. Only I have already done what is written in the recommendations - the eldest has his own room where he can close the door and the youngest daughter has no right to enter without an invitation. The older one has “her own” toys, but they are in the common room, and she doesn’t mind the older one playing with them - she now plays with any toys for a few minutes at most. But my brother’s toys are “forbidden fruit”, I can’t say that he doesn’t share at all, but he shares basically like this: “here, keep a small car” that he doesn’t want to play with now, but he takes out eleven different-sized cars into the common room and doesn’t want to share them. Of course, a conflict arises: my daughter wants his toys, but he doesn’t give them, he says that he plays with everyone and everyone needs them, when asked to bring more, he replies that he has already shared. My daughter is suffering. I'm trying to explain that if you bring something into the common room, then your daughter will play with it, because... he takes all her toys without asking. And if he doesn’t want to share, then he should play in his room, but he doesn’t want to do that, because he’s afraid alone, and if the door is left open, then his daughter will immediately run in, but he’s against it. In general, the situation is stalemate. As a result of constant resentment, then the daughter is offended that they don’t give her toys and at the same time they play under her nose, then the daughter manages to grab and run away with the toy, then the elder gets offended, and most often he catches up with it and takes it away. Tell me what to do in such a situation, on the one hand, the eldest son’s toys are “personal”, on the other hand, I don’t want my daughter to constantly feel that they are not sharing with her and that everything is taken away from her, or she has learned to take it away herself - such behavior is already being developed, take it away and run or grab and throw, since they will take it away anyway. And on the last hand, my sensitive son is afraid in the room alone; if I start insisting on taking away his toys and going to his room, he becomes hysterical. Sorry for the confusion, I'm tired today.
2014-05-12 12:24:48
Please give me your phone, your car, and whatever else you have, give me that too. They will weigh your soul down, and if you know how to treat things calmly, you won’t be sorry to give them away.
2014-06-03 11:10:25
I can’t imagine how I will teach a child (while he is still a toddler) to share even common things - a chocolate bar, the last piece of cake, etc. I myself absolutely do not know how to share. Since I’m an adult, I make an effort on myself, but often I feel like crying when I have to share...
2013-08-23 21:45:53
Thank you very much for your article!!! You helped me deal with this problem!
margarita
2014-03-10 00:19:27
But I don't agree. From a spiritual point of view, any passion or addiction weighs down the soul. Therefore, we must teach the child to treat things calmly, then he will not feel sorry for giving them to another.
2014-05-30 00:09:46
Good night! Thank you very much for the article. I read it in a timely manner. Please tell me what to do with raising opposite-sex twins. We are 2 years old. We often quarrel over toys, and in general I would like to ask you a lot of questions, but I’m afraid it’s not quite right now appropriate. Thanks again.
2014-09-13 12:35:57
Thanks for the advice. Incredibly useful article for me.
2015-03-07 03:13:13
2016-04-28 14:51:11
