It will make me laugh until I cry. The funniest short jokes that will bring you to tears (15 jokes)
ABOUT father and son We came to the sea.
- Look, son, this mo re.
- Where?
- Here, per units you, so blue.
- Where?
- Well, right before that bo y. Big.
- Where?
The father could not stand it, he grabbed it yn and by the hair, and let’s dip his head into the water. After this the son:
- Dad, what is this? oh?!
- Sea.
- Where ?
*****
IN
sheep got two Ouch ku in mathematics and explains anger en to my father:
- The teacher asked me si l, how much is two times three, I said six. Poto m the teacher asked how much it would be three times dv A
- And this is not one x re n?
- That’s what I said.
*****
IN
school during zo lesson olo gii:
- Who can say why? mb ala flat?
Vovochka:
- Because joint venture ala with a whale.
- Vovochka, get out of class ac sa!
Teacher:
- Tell me why cancer has... az and they climb out of orbits?
The door opens slightly, B O Vochka whispers:
- Because he is all this saw.
*****
N
and zoology lessons. Teacher br OS throws a worm into a glass of water. In a couple mi chickpea pulls out:
- You see, d no and, the worm is alive.
Then he throws the worm in that kan with alcohol. In a couple of minutes Well t takes out.
- You see, the worm has died. So to ak What conclusions should be drawn? Vovochka gets up.
- You need to drink vodka so that if the steeds didn't start.
*****
N
oh In the complete fog units the ship is sailing. Captain on the command bridge. Vd Around the course - lights! Possible collision. Cap it an - into a megaphone:
- Commander Jackson speaking. Kr to her ser "Saratoga", 30 thousand tons displacement yet leniya. Turn right immediately!
Answer:
- Private J says He dream, lighthouse duty officer. Three million then NN . Sir, you'd better turn away...
*****
-
T I don't mind is it possible to be left-handed?
- No, it doesn’t interfere. Each person has his own d leftovers. For example, with what hand do you stir the tea?
- Right.
- Here! And normal people ra stir with a spoon.
*****
D
Jaune fell into a lethargic sleep ohm and woke up in 2050. First of all, pose in Neil to the agent to find out how his banking was going. A ge nt reported that he has 10 mi on his account ll ion dollars. Satisfied, John hangs up telephone handset. Che R A minute later the duty officer calls him:
- You spoke for five minutes. From you 7 million 400 one thousand dollars.
*****
M
Oisha was called to the OB HS WITH:
- Where did you get it from? de nygi to the Volga?
- I had a Zhiguli. I'm talking about them Yes l, borrowed a little
and bought a Volga.
-Where did you get the money? bg and on the Zhiguli?
- I had an IZH motorcycle, I e I sold a little
borrowed and...
-Where did you get it? de ngi on "IZH"?
- And for a bicycle I’m still at Sta whether he did not serve time.
*****
G
get ready for bed by live barking Jewish couple
- Moisha! You're at the gate A wings?
- Closed, Rose, for cr yl.
- Well, did you close the door?
- And the door, R O for, closed.
- And in English sk y castle?
- And into English am ok, Rose.
- And on white b Gian
- And in Belgian and y.
- And for z asov?
- And to the point in Rose!
- And on the flail wow?
- And on the chain too.
- Moishe, and on the schwa b ru did you close the door?
- Oh! On the mop A was!
- Here you go! Zach od and take what you want!
*****
AND Zya died during the war ry in cards from heart break. Nobody dares to tell it and ene. They chose Aron, he was the most taciturn. Etc Aron goes to the house of the deceased, knocks on the door:
- I'm from Katsm en A.
- Oh, this is where my hubby plays all the time e t into cards?
- Yes.
- Games A yeah?
- Yes, he plays.
- As always about ig vomiting?
- Exactly, he loses.
- So that he dies, m er boss!
- Already.
Trolleybuses are married buses.
Little boy in a liquor store:
-Auntie, give me a bottle of vodka, dad sent me.
- Well, I sent it and sent it, it’s not worth getting drunk because of this.
Faculty of Journalism Audience. Inscription on the desk:
"I love Vasya." Below is the inscription:
“Relax, you fool. Vasya is gay” Even lower:
"I'm not stupid, I'm smart"
Announcement: “The circus will hire 10 more trapeze artists.”
– Are your cutlets really made from hazel grouse?
- Well, in general, yes. True, we add other meat to them.
- Which?
- Horse meat.
– What is the proportion?
– 50 to 50. One hazel grouse – one horse.
I am definitely a TREASURE!!! Wherever my husband and I go, everyone tells him - where did you dig it up?
Very funny new jokes that will make you cry
New Year is also a good holiday for the toilet!
Instead of asses you can see a lot of nice faces!
Your daughter has just agreed to become my wife.
- It’s my own fault, there was no point in coming here every evening!
The cosmetologist gave the patient an ancient Greek profile, smoothed out wrinkles, removed a double chin, and reduced her mouth.
-What else would you like?
-Can you make big expressive eyes?
-Certainly! Take a look at the bill.
Recently I was riding on a bus, and a 3-year-old girl was sitting next to me... we passed a field of sunflowers, she looked at them and said: “Never mind daisies.”
Two friends are sitting in a bar, one says to the other:
- Look, that girl over there liked me.
- Why do you think so?
- She looked at me and smiled.
- When I first saw you, I laughed for half an hour!
In a minibus, a young mother begs her daughter:
- Daughter, take your tits, it’s time to eat... Take your tits, otherwise I’ll give it to your uncle...
Some guy opposite:
- Girl, think faster, otherwise I’ve already passed three stops!
Father scolds Vovochka:
- How many times have I told you not to play with matches!
- I wasn’t playing... I was lighting a cigarette...
Congratulations, it’s immediately obvious that you got married... your shirt is perfectly ironed!
- Oh yeah! This is the first thing my wife taught me.
What did you do before you got married?
- What, what... What I wanted, that’s what I did!
And Natasha for me New Year gave me sex!
- How unoriginal she is, she gives everyone the same thing!
Armenian radio asks:
-Can a man rape a running woman?
Georgian radio answers:
- No! Because a woman with her skirt up runs faster than a man with his trousers down.
Read the best and funniest jokes online
Folk sign: if you have a hangover in the morning Toothbrush does not fit in the mouth, which means it is intended
for cleaning shoes.
The toad strangled Ivan Tsarevich until he married her.
Hello, hello, my love! What are you doing now?
- I’m making jellied fish...
- Wow! Can you really do it?!
- Oh, then! A piece of roach, a sip of beer...
Now you can’t invite Sobchak to host a corporate event; she has raised the prices three times.
- Come on, we called her twice to a restaurant and once even to a sauna, and everything was free.
- How is that?
- At a meeting with voters.
The parachute did not open, the man falls. Another man flies towards him. First to him:
- How to open the spare tire?!
- I don’t know, I’m a sapper!
A resident of the city of Togliatti, married a mechanic, gave birth to a gear.
I'm a tomato, I'm glad of the sun!
- I am a lilac plum, delicious, garden plum!
- And I’m Kirill, I haven’t smoked with you yet...
Anecdotes that are funny to the point of tears are extremely popular among readers. This is a long-proven fact with which it is completely useless to argue. There are quite a few types of jokes and they all have their fans. Many of us love jokes, the purpose of which is not only to make a person laugh, but the first task is to think. Such funny stories are popular among people with analytical warehouse mind. These people just need to think and ultimately laugh, of course.
Fresh jokes, in a good environment of friends, are so relevant that having them in your memory you can amuse your friends well. Surely everyone will be very happy fresh joke which you will tell. In fact, any joke is interesting and funny, but a new one is much better perceived by listeners. Having a good memory, it will cost you nothing to remember a few of the jokes that we have presented to you. And if you are also a cheerful person in life, then you simply need to always know the latest jokes!
But we have gathered with you now on this page for only one purpose, to really read funny jokes to tears. Below we will present you 100 selected jokes. But we want to warn you right away that many of these funny stories, are classified as “obscene jokes”. Of course, these are just jokes and should not be taken very seriously. They are designed to serve only one purpose, which is to amuse us. Whether they are good or bad, only you can judge. But I really want to believe that they will deserve the title of “funny jokes that will make you cry”... Enjoy reading and of course Have a good mood all day!
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My wife is sulking about something and won’t talk to me. Naive, this is my third marriage, I am a champion of silence, I can calmly remain silent for two days.
- Two days? Is more weak?
- No woman can silently withstand the sight of a happy husband for more than two days!
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Putin says to Medvedev:
- Why, Dimon, have you become a complete nerd, all sorts of Twitters and iPods... Let's go to a bar, get drunk, pick up some girls, then have a good fuck...
Medvedev:
- What's going on with the girls?
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Fire in the hospital.
After the fire has been extinguished, the firefighters report to the chief doctor:
- The fire has been extinguished. Three victims were found in the basement. Two were pumped out, but the third failed.
Doctor falls in deep faint. They bring him to consciousness with ammonia.
- Guys! There's a morgue in our basement
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While walking through a fairground, a man sees a fortune teller's tent. Deciding it would be funny, he enters the tent.
“I see you have two children,” says the fortuneteller, peering into the crystal ball.
- Ha! You think so? - the man is ironic. - I have three children.
“That’s what you think,” the seer clarifies.
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A husband and wife are sunbathing on the beach. The husband, a frail man of small stature, noticed that his wife was not taking her eyes off a large, muscular handsome man sitting nearby. Unable to bear it, the husband turns to his wife:
“You shouldn’t be staring at him, my dear.” Remember - our neighbor has a garage for two Cadillacs, and he keeps a bicycle there
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A girl to a friend, about her boyfriend:
- I don’t know what’s worse - what he wrote
“Let’s break up,” or what he sent two minutes later: “Sorry, this is not for you”?
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Dad, can I take the keys to your car? - the teenager asked his father.
- I want to show my classmates that I drive a car that costs ten thousand dollars.
“Here’s fifty cents for you,” the father replied, “and brag that you ride a bus that costs fifty thousand dollars.”
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How would you react if your husband, boyfriend, lover cheated on you?
- How? All at once? Here are the goats!
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My wife comes home drunk in the morning. Her husband runs around her and shouts:
- If I had a knife, I would have stabbed you! If I had a gun, I would have shot him!
She raises her head:
- And you gore...
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Expensive! Give me something for New Year so that I can lightly press with my right foot, and, rrrr, the arrow goes from 0 to 100 in three seconds...
- Are scales suitable?
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In winter, a laptop bag gives +50 agility.
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Well, my daughters, I am going to distant lands. What should I bring you?
- Dad, is there any way to go buy bread in a less pretentious way?
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A girl comes from school:
- Mom, why does everyone say that I’m inattentive?
- Girl, you’re already fucked, you live in the next doorway!
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My husband is calling...
- Hello, dear, they just broadcast on the radio that a crazy person is driving in the oncoming lane. Be careful!
- One? There are thousands of them here!!!
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I will take over the world!
- Put on your hat!
- Well, mom!!!
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“It was necessary to get so drunk,” Cinderella grumbled, taking the crystal salad bowls off her feet.
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The student was late for the lecture. The professor asks:
- Did you serve in the army, young man?
- Yes, I served...
- What did the sergeant tell you when you were late for formation?
- Good morning, Comrade Lieutenant...
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Dad, I want some bullshit.
- Here, daughter, just wash it and remember, it’s called “persimmon.”
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A Russian language teacher, having re-read the essay by Roman Abramovich’s son “How I Spent My Summer,” burned it, threw the ashes into a glass of champagne and drank it at exactly midnight on New Year’s Eve...
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A drunk student comes to his dorm room, takes off one shoe and throws it against the wall with all his might. And then a cry from behind the wall:
- You're an asshole, you don't let me sleep at 3 am!!!
Then the student quietly took off his second shoe and went to bed, suddenly again there was a cry from behind the wall:
- You goat, I’ll wait a long time for you to take off your second shoe?!
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Shall we go without a condom today?
- Why is this?
- It's so hot.
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Hello, can I have Dasha?
- Yes, sure.
- Holy shit...! And he tells me that it’s impossible, my mother doesn’t allow it...
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My son asks for your daughter's hand in marriage.
- What, your son doesn’t have a hand?
- Yes, but she’s already tired.
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Granny coughed on the bus.
- Be healthy!!!
- Yes, I actually didn’t sneeze, but coughed.
- Yes, for me, at least I choked on x#eat! A pioneer must be polite
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The problem with feats in the name of women is that while you are performing them, the woman is being fucked by someone else.
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Husband and wife make a new password for the computer. The husband types: “My dick.” The wife falls to the floor laughing because the computer says: “Error - too short!”
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Vovochka to mom:
- Ma, where did I come from?
- The stork brought your son.
Vovochka looking at her father with displeasure:
- So mom, 2 neighbors and Aunt Zina are not enough for you. Shall we fuck storks?
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A man comes to a sex therapist and says:
- Doctor, I can’t.
The doctor looks around:
- Actually, who are you here to kill? . .
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Hare in the forest in winter. It’s cold for him, it’s difficult for a hare to survive in such frosts. Hungry, haven't eaten all winter. Suddenly he sees a snowman with a carrot between his legs.
The hare stopped and looked.
Snowman:
- Well, oblique, are you disdainful?
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Husband and wife in the kitchen. Suddenly from behind the wall:
- Faggot@races!
Husband to wife:
- Turn on the TV, I completely forgot, our guys play football there.
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Sochi. A man, standing in a carriage by the window, says goodbye to a girl...
The train starts moving and finally the man joyfully shouts to the girl:
- And the bucks are fake!
She answered him:
- But the tripper is real, dear...
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The husband decided to unexpectedly visit his wife on a business trip.
I arrived, immediately got into bed, violent sex, violent orgasm.
Shouts from behind the wall:
- Well, be quiet, please! I haven’t been able to sleep with you for five nights already!
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My wife thinks that when she bites her lip, she looks very sexy. I don’t even know how to tell her that she should bite her lower lip.
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The newlyweds say:
- The wedding night was - WOW!
The whole apartment was shaking.
- And who was the first to say: “Enough, I can’t take it anymore!”?
- Neighbour...
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Two Georgians wash in a bathhouse.
One sees his friend masturbating and asks him:
- What are you, jerking off...?
- Nat, just wash my bistro...!
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The secretary comes into the boss's office and says:
- From now on I will have a salary of a thousand dollars and 4 days off a week!
Boss with sarcasm:
- Who told you this, honey???
- Gynecologist and lawyer!!!
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A young couple is sitting in the last row of a cinema. He:
- Man, we’ve already been sitting here for an hour, and you haven’t even kissed me yet.
- Van, I just gave you a min@t!
- To me???
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A girl and a guy on a date...
- Will you give me a minute?!
- Come on next time..
- Why???!
- Well... I'm not very good at...
- Shit! Where will you learn next time????
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Representatives of the most ancient profession: Prostitute and thief get married...
- So what?
- Otherwise, all their children became the first professional politicians...
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The wife finds her husband with his mistress, grabs a gun from the wall and aims it between her husband’s legs. Husband pleadingly:
- Darling, well, you can’t do that! You don't even give me a chance!
The wife, after a moment of thought, takes a shooter’s pose:
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The guy under the window with a bouquet yells:
- Fucking!
Girl from the window:
- My name is Isabella, Isabella!
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A boy once asked his parents what min@t was. They looked at each other and decided that it would be better for him to find out from us than somewhere on the street.
Mother:
- Well... This is when they take it into the mouth.
Dad:
- Stupid! They don't take, they give. Our son is growing up.
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Vanka and Manka are lying in a haystack. They see the stallion covering the mare.
Manya:
- Van, how did he know what she wanted?
Vania:
- Fuck knows, by the smell, probably.
We lay there some more. Then Manka says:
- Van, it looks like you have a runny nose...
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IN Arab schools It was prohibited to conduct driving lessons after sex education classes.
Because the donkey needs to rest.
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Yesterday I had a dream about how Pamela Anderson came to visit me, and I was gluing wallpaper: So she rushed to help me! And everything was so real that when I woke up, damn it, there was even glue left on my hands...
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A gentle kiss on the back of the neck. A very touching and intimate moment. I don’t understand why people on the subway are so freaked out about this.
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Blonde:
We are going on a camping trip, and the leader said that if a snake bites, then someone should immediately suck it. I can't imagine how this will help?
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What is family life?
This is when you come home from work, and your wife offers you to either wash the dishes or have sex - you mentally choose the dishes, but in order not to offend your wife, you say sex.
And the most annoying thing is that after sex you still have to wash the dishes!
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A hairdresser who hasn't had sex for a long time makes any haircut intimate.
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Sex is a very dangerous thing. For example, in the USSR there was no sex. But as soon as he appeared, the USSR disappeared.
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The man's doorbell rings. There's a neighbor on the doorstep. – Hello, you acted as guarantor for my husband’s debt? - Yes. What, he doesn't pay? – Pays, but does not fulfill.
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On the night of Ivan Kupala, in ancient Rus', girls jumped over the fire... Other methods of depilation of legs and bikini area were invented much later.
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Guy at the cash register: Girl, give me one chocolate bar and ten condoms! Cashier: They won’t give you so many times for one chocolate bar.
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The brain is cunning. Of course he thinks about sex, but he always blames it all on his penis.
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You will hear the pretenders in the finale:
- I didn’t love you as much as you moaned...
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A real man, having closed the door behind himself, should immediately begin to pester.
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In our family, only my brain has regular sex.
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That's why people confuse such different and unrelated things as love, sex, reproduction and living together? This is the reason for all the troubles.
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You are such a gallant gentleman! Who raised you so well?
- Dad! He always said: if you want to hit a chick, be polite to her!
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A husband and wife are lying in bed. The wife begins to flirt with her husband. I bite him by the ear and say:
- Now the bite will come,
I bite him on the chest:
- Now the bite will come.
Well, continue in the same spirit. The husband lay there, endured, endured, then said:
- Pokusyaka, pokosyaka, and when will the sucker come to us?????
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A woman comes to the doctor and says
- You know, when I make love with my husband, I get a tingle in my side.
The doctor examined her and said
- Everything is fine with you, bring your husband
The husband comes and undresses, and he has dick up to his knees
The doctor tells him
- Have you tried it with horses?
- Tried it. They'll die. And my wife only has a tingling pain in her side
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Two friends are walking, suddenly one laughs, the second asks in bewilderment what’s the matter.
- I imagined that I live in England and my wife’s name is Connie, and so I put her doggy style and stared, and she went into a rage and accelerated the pace, and I said to her:
- A little slower Kony, a little slower.
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At the ball, the hussars huddled in a circle:
- Tell me, Rzhevsky, does that lady over there take it into her mouth?
- Without a doubt!
- Lieutenant, what about that one over there?
- That one? And how!
- And this one, in a pink dress?
- Wait a minute, now she’ll turn around... Yes, she’ll take it!
- But how did you know that she only appeared here today?!
- There is a mouth - that means he takes it!
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The chicken hits his head against the wall and says:
- A shame! What a disgrace!
Mom came:
- Son, what's the matter?
- Mom, is it true that my dad is a rooster?
- Yes, son!
- A shame! What a disgrace!!!
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Men keep their socks on during sex to show women how much they liked their gift.
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Estonia has legalized phone sex, but it's hard to hear through a condom.
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If a man thinks that sex is not the most important thing in life, then he just had it.
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After the blowjob, the girl goes in for a kiss, the young man pulls away. She says:
“You guys are strange—it’s disgusting after your own, but after someone else’s you kiss…
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Girls, don't take young lovers! Tonight, instead of sex, I explained who the pioneers are and what filmstrips are.
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I have great potential! That's what I told my friend today. Let him think what I meant.
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Talking about sex after 30
I am 32 years old, and, for example, my knees are already cracking, but only once or twice, then nothing. That's why I always go to the bathroom before work. My husband probably thinks that I’m taking a shower, but I squat there to the sound of the water to warm up.
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“The Battle of the Kama Sutra,” Lyokha nodded at his broken leg.
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Dear graduates! Little advice: don't throw away yours school uniform after graduation. She will then give you family life It will still come in handy.
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One of the most effective contraceptives is children already in the family.
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I told my wife that I was so stressed that only a blow job could help.
She asked me where I was going to suck cock at this time of night.
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From the news: Female dragonflies play dead to avoid mating. Is it just dragonflies?
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I decided to approach sex creatively - I did everything with my own hands.
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The man turned to the police:
- My wife has disappeared.
- Give a description of your wife.
The man thought for a second:
- On one condition, when you find a wife, you will not show her this description.
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Today at the clinic the doctor slipped me a brochure about the consequences of promiscuous sex life.
I probably wanted to laugh... I haven’t even had a decent one for a long time...
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Two days ago, my wife watched some melodrama and had a romantic dinner. Yesterday there was some kind of erotic film - it was a fantastic night! Today I’m sitting here deleting all the “horror” channels!
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The more sex, the more better figure, the better the figure, the more sex. Ideal system!
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Iron rule in family relationships: whoever wanted sex first after a quarrel asks for forgiveness.
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On winter holidays student Lenochka gave herself to one of her many fans.
“One less…” she noted with satisfaction.
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There is no more beautiful spectacle in the world than a film about how children are made.
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Friendship between a man and a woman is possible, but in most cases someone has long, mentally, fucked the other in all poses...!
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A man comes to a brothel and is asked:
- Which one do you want?
- Well, for bigger breasts, and smaller ones.
- Sit down and look at the magazines. After a couple of minutes they announce over the loudspeaker:
- A man with big hands and little he... go to room 5!
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Ukrainian village, night. A man under the window of the hut (in a whisper):
- Mykola!
from there (muffled whisper)
- What?
- Come out!
- For what?
- I’ve got some vodka here, fried dumplings, mushrooms, cucumbers, let’s have a drink!
- But I can’t!
- what???
- I bet there’s something wrong!!!
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A monkey sits on the shore, smoking a joint. A beaver swims up. He turned his nose and approached the monkey:
- Let me puff once!
- Okay, here we go! Just to make it stick better, take a puff, dive - and along the bottom to the other shore, there you will exhale!
So he did. He emerges on the other side, exhales - right into the face of the hippopotamus standing there.
Hippopotamus:
- Where did you get it?
- Yes, there is a monkey smoking on the other side - she treated me.
The hippo dives and runs along the bottom to the other side. It emerges in front of the monkey itself. She drops the joint and shouts:
- Exhale, beaver, exhale!
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The guy has been courting the girl for a long time, but does not take decisive steps.
Her older sister jokes:
- Kohl, maybe you don’t have anything in your pants? Show me!
He shows. The sister freezes:
- Anka, either you take it, or I take it - such a value should remain in the family!
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A man was walking across the field. late, tired, he wanted sex, wildly. Night. No one. He sees the field is planted with pumpkins. Well, he cut the pumpkin, cut a hole, and does his unpleasant job. A policeman was patrolling in these parts, saw the whole thing from behind the bushes, and so from behind to the man, coughing:
- Like, sorry, Lieutenant Eremenko. Why are you doing this, man, intercourse with state property? ... Not good!..
Man (without stopping):
- Damn, what time is it?
Policeman:
- Exactly 00 hours 05 minutes.
Man:
- Fuck, comrade lieutenant, I swear, just five minutes ago I was Cinderella...
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A man is riding on the top bunk of a compartment carriage. At the station a lady enters the compartment. She begins to take out vodka and snacks and consumes it all with gusto. The man thinks it would be nice to start a conversation and begins:
- Dear lady, what is your name?
- Why should you call me? I’ll finish my drink, have a snack and climb in myself!
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Intelligent man near underground passage chooses a bouquet of flowers, there are many aunts standing there selling flowers, bouquets... here he comes, chooses, smells... from the far end, the voice of the aunt-saleswoman:
- Man, smell me, it will last a week!
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Dear ladies, if you blackmail your man with a lack of sex, then most likely you will be the only one who won’t have it.
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If you bend under a man, then only when he breathes passionately into your back.
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If a man pays a woman after sex, she is a prostitute, if before sex, she is a mistress, and if before and after, she is a wife.
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Don’t offer sex, coded, I’m afraid to break loose.
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Newly settled family inspects new apartment. They are discussing where to put what furniture. Suddenly a five-year-old child says:
- And here we will fuck up the shelf.
Dad slaps him on the turnip:
- Understood?!
- Yes, I got it!
- What did you understand?
- She's not needed here!
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Women who are offended by the fact that men are only interested in sex, calm down - after fifty it will stop.
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The psychologist has a lady:
– My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We dated for two years before the wedding. Now there are two children, a mortgage for 10 years... And I realized that he does not satisfy me in bed! Yes, and I like such athletic men, but he is a simple office plankton... Doctor, what should I do?
Psychologist: - Leave the lover who appears.
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I typed in Yandex: “The benefits of sex.” It turns out that we no longer need medicine. Everything can be cured by sex...
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When you have sex on the kitchen table, make sure the guy doesn't stand on the corner, otherwise he won't marry you.
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- Let's!
The watchman comes out and yells:
- Stand!
White says:
- Hello!
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Lesbian sex is like someone coming to storm the gates ancient city with a gate from another city.
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Let me tell you this: in the days before the Internet, people were more likely to hang out in bed with each other at night.
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A man runs into the elevator and touches his chest with his elbow. standing nearby women.
“I beg your pardon,” he says, “but if you have a heart as soft as your chest, then you have no equal!”
- Thank you! And if everything is as hard as your elbow, then I live in apartment 31!
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Morning... Husband to wife. .
- Darling, make me this... . . well, what's his name... . well this one. . ,
- OK, darling!
After some time, the satisfied husband:
- And to hell with him, with this coffee!
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Queue for cucumbers.
1st woman says:
- More authentic for me!
2nd:
- I want to be more puffy!
3rd:
- I don’t care, I need it for the salad.
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In the restaurant:
- Waiter! Why does my coffee smell like dirty men's dicks???
The waiter sniffed the coffee:
- Madam, try to take the cup in the other hand...
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The daughter says to the mother:
- Mom, I’ll probably break up with my boyfriend.
- Why?
- I think he's an alcoholic!
- Where did you get the idea?
- Yesterday we danced a waltz, he pressed himself against me and I felt that he had a bottle in his pants.
- What kind of bottle is it?
- Well, approximately 0.7 liters.
- Daughter, marry him, I’ve lived with a check all my life!
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A padded bra is like a bag of chips: you open it and it’s half empty. Women claim that there is the same problem with family panties...
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Oh the jungle is fucked up. Have you got any monkeys here yet?
- I won’t make an appointment with you for hair removal anymore.
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Two Americans - white and black - came to Russia. White says:
- Let's get drunk on vodka at a construction site like the Russians!
- Let's!
We got drunk on vodka, the black man passed out. White took him on his shoulder and carried him.
The watchman comes out and yells:
- Stand!
White says:
- Hello!
- I'm fucking myself! Put the roofing felt in its place!
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In Russia, a Chinese man came to a restaurant, didn’t speak a word of Russian, and couldn’t order anything. A Russian comes into a restaurant, a Chinese man thinks: “What the Russian orders now, I will repeat.” Russian: - Waiter, sorrel with eggs, crayfish on my table, and sausages for 15 kopecks. Chinese: - Office worker, give me sorrel eggs, doggy style under my table, and suck it for 15 kopecks.
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A drunk, stoned man calls the police.
- Ale! Commander, my car was stolen!!!
- Calm down. Explain what was stolen.
- Yes all! The radio, the steering wheel was unscrewed! Yes, the bitches sawed off the pedals!!!
- Will seek.
5 minutes later the police call.
- Ale. Commander, excuse me, I sat in the back seat.
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Two Georgians are dragging a dead bear.
There's a third one coming towards them.
- Wah, wah. What a big one! Grizzly?
- Nat, your hands are choking.
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Alyonushka says to Alyoshenka:
- Alyosha, if you break a birch tree, I’ll kiss you.
Alyosha went, broke a birch tree - kissed
- And you will break the oak.
- I'll break it.
- And pine.
- If you fall asleep, I’ll change everything!!!
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There are moments when a person tells you something very enthusiastically, and you look into the person’s eyes and understand - he’s fucking from the bottom of his heart!
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Two worms are digging in a dung heap. Father and son:
- Dad, do worms live in apples?
- They live, son!
-And in mushrooms?
-And in mushrooms too.
-And in Arbuz?
-Well, of course.
-Dad, well, why are we living in shit then?!
-It’s my homeland, son!
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Fuck, stupid chicken! Well, pick up the phone...
- Hello?
- Hello, darling, I miss you so much...
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How are you?
- Not good!
- What, sex rarely happens?
- Several times every day!
- Wow, who does this happen to?
- With life - it has me 5-6 times a day...
I have prepared for you 13 of the funniest short jokes to the point of tears. While we were selecting jokes for you and reading them, we found it very funny to the point of tears, as these are very laughable jokes.
Fresh jokes funny to tears 2017
1. Sweets are divided into two types:
a) Delicious.
b) Let dad eat these.
2. Husband to wife:
- What will you do if you see me kissing another woman?
- Well... how faithful wife, I will visit you... in traumatology...
3. I’m a modest guy, so I hide my six-pack abs… under fat.
4. Short ultrasound results showed: “There will be a wedding!”
Super funny jokes that will make you cry
5. Hunting is a sport! Especially when the ammo runs out and the bear is still alive.
7. Those who served in the army do not laugh at the circus. Those who rewound the cassette with a pencil do not buy the spinner.
8. - Grandfather, are you sleeping?
- And what?
- Give me 500 rubles!
- I’m sleeping, grandson, I’m sleeping!
9. - You are leading the wrong lifestyle!
- Oh... Don't be jealous of me...
Jokes funny to tears read for free
10. The husband showed up home at four o’clock in the morning. The wife says, irritably:
I have no words!
- God bless!
11. If you don’t succeed the first time, then parachuting is not for you.
12. - What are the three most common words in the world?
- "I love you"?
- Nonsense! "Made in China".
13. Everything you write in a search query can and will be used against you in contextual advertising.
14. Childhood ended at that moment
- when mom stopped hiding sweets from you, and dad started hiding cognac.
15. - All troubles come to an end, believe me.
- And you, an optimist, however.
- No, I'm a watchman at the cemetery.
