The wife calls her husband on his cell phone, where are you? Jokes

Hospital. The nurse whispers to the doctor:
- Doctor, I have a patient there, the one who is new, quacks into some kind of squeaker. Maybe I should call a psychiatrist?
- No need, this is a professional hunter. He's probably asking for a duck.

The wife calls her husband on his cell phone:
- Vanya, where are you?
- On the hunt.
- Who is it that breathes so loudly?
- Bear.
- Why is he moaning?
- I wounded him.
- Why is the voice female?
- Well, you know! I'm a hunter, not a veterinarian!

Wife:
- Darling, where have you been all night?
Husband:
- Fishing.
Wife:
- Did you catch anything?
Husband (shuddering):
- I hope not.

A man walks into a fishing store:
- Girl, do you have silicone baits?
- Man! Everything I have is natural!

A man catches fish. He sees that the float began to tremble. “It’s too early to hook him, let him swallow it,” the man thinks. The float began to oscillate even more. “It’s too early, he’ll probably swallow it,” the man thinks. The float disappeared under the water, the fishing rod arched. The man recklessly hooks and pulls the fishing rod towards himself.
A worm flies out of the water and screams:
- Man, are you stunned? I almost got eaten by fish!!!

The boss asks the applicant:
- Do you like to work?
- No, I’m a fisherman and I’m always looking for a reason to escape from work to go fishing.
“You are accepted,” says the chief, “not a single fisherman who tells the truth has ever worked for us.”

Returning from fishing, my husband asks:
- Is the cat at home?
“Come in, don’t be afraid, I bought him some sprat,” the wife answers.

One fisherman says to another:
- I caught salmon worth 72 kilograms.
- What's this! And I caught a bronze candelabra with 4 candles, and the candles were burning.
- Listen, if I lose 40 kilograms, will you put out the candles?

The farmer says to her husband over morning coffee:
- Dear, but tomorrow it will be twenty-five years since you and I have been married! Shouldn't we kill a pig about this?
- What nonsense! What is the pig's fault?

Sitting in a boat, a novice fisherman turns to a friend:
- Do you have a spare float?
- For what?
- I came across some kind of defective one. Drowning all the time.

Three hunters meet. One says:
- You walk around the lake, you see a duck flying, you hit it with a gun - this is hunting.
Second:
- You're walking through the forest, you see a hare running - you bam - this is hunting.
Third:
- You walk down the street, you see a woman is walking pretty. You want it, she wants it - this is a hunt.

Two friends are talking at a table in a restaurant.
“You see,” says one, “I was recently sitting on the bank of a river and, can you imagine, a sturgeon suddenly swims right at me!”
The waiter standing next to him couldn’t stand it:
- Tell me please! And a big portion?

Early in the morning a man catches fish on the bank of a river. Then another guy comes up and starts staring at the one who is catching. He stares for an hour, the second, the third... Towards evening, the one who was catching asks the other:
- Why are you sitting here and not catching fish?
- But I don’t have enough patience.

Quiet early morning. Three fishermen are sitting on the river bank.
A frog swims up to one and asks in a whisper:
- Does it bite?
Fisherman (whispers):
- No...
She swims up to the second one:
- Does it bite?
- No...
To the third:
- Does it bite?
- Shhh... He's biting...
The frog noisily falls back and yells:
- I don’t care! I'm swimming here!

Court:
- The accused! Why did you shoot your hunting buddy?
- I thought it was a moose...
- And when did you realize that you were mistaken?
- When the elk began to shoot back.

Two Chukchi went hunting, shot a walrus, grabbed it by the tail and pulled it home. But it is inconvenient for them to pull - the walrus plows the earth with its tusks. A hunter comes towards him, sees what is happening and tells them:
- Guys, take it from the other side, it will be easier to drag.
Have taken. One says to the other:
- Look, it’s actually easier, a smart guy got caught.
They dragged and dragged, suddenly another:
- Uh-uh, your man is a fool, we dragged him back to the sea!

Two in prison:
- Why were you imprisoned?
- For poaching, he stifled the fish.
- And did you catch a lot of fish?
- After the explosion, two roaches surfaced.
- And for this they gave you 10 years?!
- But two more divers surfaced after the roach.

Two pensioners are going fishing.
One asks the other:
- Aren’t you afraid to leave your apartment unattended?
- Not really. I put a note on the door.
- Which one?
“Great, Vovan! I went to the switch for a while. Go immediately to Gnus or Shershavy, tell him that I have the barrel. They killed Khily yesterday. Iron.”

Two Armenians - father and son - leave the house.
- Dad, dad, where are we going?
- Go hunting, son.
- Dad, dad, we don’t have a gun, we don’t have a knife, we don’t even have a slingshot.
- Uh, son, you still don’t know what the Armenian evil eye is. Look, you see a bunny sitting under a bush. Look how beautiful, soft, fluffy he is, and what beautiful eyes he has, what beautiful ears, paws...
The bunny suddenly fell and died.
- Oh, dad, how smart you are, what a skilled hunter you are, how you dealt with this bunny, what a great guy you are... dad! dad! dad!!!

When you were young, what were your favorite pastimes?
- Hunting and women!
- Who were you hunting for?
- For women!

The wife comes up to her husband and says: “Our light bulb is burned out, the tap is leaking and the door doesn’t close well, fix it!”
Her husband: - Am I your jack of all trades or what?
The next day, my husband comes home from work, and the light is on, the faucet is not flowing, the door is fine,
asks his wife: - Who fixed it? - Yes, I asked my neighbor, and he fixed it.
Husband: - And how did you pay him?
Wife: - And he said: “Either go ahead or sing.”
M: - Well, what did you sing to him? Zh: - What do you mean, am I a singer or something?

The hunter is going hunting in the taiga, does not know the area, takes with him a guide from the locals,
walking through the taiga - the guide is ahead, cutting through the thicket with an ax with a long axe,
the hunter follows him with a gun, breathing down his back...
Clap! a bear comes out of the thicket to meet. The guide froze with his ax raised, the bear also froze, the guide, without turning around, said to the hunter in a low voice:
- Come here...
There is silence behind, he repeats again:
- Come here!
There is silence behind again, he hisses for the third time:
- COME HERE, B@@TH!
From behind, the hunter’s voice is half a tone quieter:
- What are you calling him?

A group of new Russians are sitting. Suddenly the cell phone rings. One of them takes the pipe, there is a woman's
voice:
- Hello dear, I’m at a sale, and here they sell such a cool car for only 60 thousand
instead of 120 bucks, can I buy it?
New Russian:
- Buy it, there is no market.
- Darling, there’s also an amazing fur coat here, for only twenty grand, can I buy it too?
- Go ahead, buy it.
- Thank you, my love, I will do whatever you want for you tonight, kiss you, bye.
New Russian, putting the phone down on the table.
- Bro, who did they call?

The wife calls her husband:
- Honey, you have a serious problem!
- What's happened?!
- I drove into the Maybach and offered to pay the owner in kind, he agreed.
- What is my problem?
- The owner is gay...

I arrived at a gas station one day. The wife and child are sitting in the back seat. I inserted the gun, stood there waiting, thinking about something. At this time, the wife got out of the car on the other side to take the child to the toilet. Without noticing this, I filled up the car, got in and drove away as if nothing had happened. So I’m driving, and then my wife calls me on her cell phone. I hang up the call and say out loud: “Stop being a fool, don’t distract me.” She calls me again, I look in the rearview mirror and then it dawns on me...

Dialogues about hunting

Hello. Hello Darling! Where are you?
I called at work
You're not at work!
- But today is Saturday.
-Are you at your Sveta’s again?
- I’m telling you for the hundredth time,
There was no light and no light!
- I went hunting.
- You're lying Petya!
- Damn, what are you talking about?
I'm hunting a bear.
- You know Petya, I hear everything,
Please answer:
Who's breathing next to you?
- Who is breathing here?... A!!!... A bear!!!

Vanya (23:45:37 6/06/2010)
oh I have an idea
Vanya (23:45:44 6/06/2010)
put the theory notes in the toilet
Vanya (23:45:50 06/06/2010)
I'll have time to read everything just in time for the exam.
Vanya (23:51:42 6/06/2010)
kick-ass)))))
Vanya (23:51:44 6/06/2010)
I'm shocked)
albel17 (23:51:51 6/06/2010)
?
Vanya (23:52:04 6/06/2010)
Well, I decided to follow my wise thought
Vanya (23:52:15 6/06/2010)
sat and read 5 pages
Vanya (23:52:22 6/06/2010)
then I look and there is no toilet paper)))
Vanya (23:52:30 6/06/2010)
That's when I realized that the idea was really good

The wife calls her husband every fifteen minutes: “Darling, where are you?
I miss. When you come? Kitty, paw, hare... etc."
Everyone is happy. The husband, seeing how deeply his wife loves him, cannot live without
him for a quarter of an hour. The wife is happy because at this time she is instructing
cuckolds her husband, and really wants to know where he is and when he will come home,
so as not to take anyone by surprise. Well, a lover is satisfied by definition.

The story about hunting "hares" reminded the huntsman's story about a similar
hunting for
"Bear", published about 10 years ago. Due to the absence of a live bear
they sewed a man into the skin, sternly ordering him to fall and not
move at the first shot. Ammo for Brezhnev, naturally
slipped in blanks. The wired one, however, decided to show off: after
shot, he stood up to his full height, spread his “paws” and roared loudly. Security
opened fire with pistols! "Bear" fell, crap right in
skin...

The wife calls her husband on his cell phone:
- Why haven’t you gotten home yet? Where are you going?
- Yes, the headlights needed to be adjusted, now I’m at the service station, street
Lesya Ukrainka.
- I know this service. Now I’ll come and adjust the headlights for both you and
in the face of this Ukrainian woman!

The wife calls her husband on his mobile phone: - Vanya, where are you?
- On the hunt.
- Who is it that breathes so loudly?
- Bear.
- Why is he moaning?
- I wounded him.
- Why is the voice female?
- Well, you know! I'm a hunter, not a veterinarian! "_+

Baba Yaga brewed moonshine. Calls Zmey-Gorynych:
“Come over, the kite, I made some moonshine here, let’s get drunk!”
- “Yes, I’m not old, I drank until the morning, I can’t take it anymore, I physically won’t make it.”
Yaga calls Koschey: “Koshcheyushka, stretch! I made moonshine here, let’s get drunk!”
- No, old one. I was drinking with Gorynych, but there’s still a lot to do this week. I’ll come to you right now, sit on a glass - I won’t solve any problems.”
Yaga calls Leshem: “Come, let’s get drunk” - “No market, I’ll be there right now.”
Baba Yaga was delighted, sits at the window, waits for Leshy and observes such a picture.
Leshy is running through the clearing. He runs 15 meters, falls, lies there for about five minutes, then blows himself up again, runs another 15 meters, etc.
When Leshy got to the hut, Yaga asks him: “Lekha, what’s wrong with you?”
- “Just imagine, old man, when I think about moonshine, my legs carry themselves, but when I imagine that I’ll have to sleep with you later, I immediately lose consciousness...

A woman's lover calls:
- Darling, come over, I miss you so much, you won’t regret it.
-Why are you stunned, but what will I tell my husband?
-Well, think of something, say that your friend died and you need to fly to the funeral...
She told everything to her husband, who agreed, but on the condition that she would take his mother with her. The wife calls her lover:
-Can you imagine, she won’t let me go without my mother-in-law.
- Fuck it, take your mother-in-law and come!!!
They flew, landed, and at the airport two cars and people in black were already waiting for them. The wife is put in one, the mother-in-law in another, and the cars drive apart different directions. Three days later they are brought to the airport, the wife and mother-in-law silently board the plane and after a 5-minute pause the mother-in-law
says to daughter-in-law:
-I don’t know about you, but I’ll fly for both 9 and 40 days!!!

The headmistress, giving a speech at graduation, distinguished herself:
When presenting a certificate, something good was required to be said about each graduate. Inspiration wears off soon enough. Another graduate comes out. Headmistress:
- Lenochka came to our school as a girl...
... pause...
- Then I became a girl...
The headmistress hangs out here. Voice from the audience:
- We are interested, continue!

The scene is a pet store. Aquarium department... I'm looking at “sales” fish... Beauty... Close to nirvana. Suddenly I discover a species of fish that my good friend has been looking for for a long time. I immediately click on the buttons on my mobile phone.
Conversation from my side:
- Hello! I'm at the Aqua Gallery. There are molly snowflakes here. Did you want them? Who do you want? How much? There are still black ones here. Let's figure it out later. Let me buy it now and you can pick it up in the evening.
Agreed. We said goodbye.
In the evening he comes in:
- Irka, can you imagine, I talked to you, and then I saw that my colleagues were already crawling under their tables laughing. I tell them: what’s the matter? And they can’t even say a word. They just grunted - they couldn’t laugh anymore... Then, when they calmed down, they quoted part of the conversation that they had heard one-sidedly:
- Hello! Great! Want! Really want to! I've been wanting it for a long time!!! I want girls! A couple! Although, give me three. No, only white ones. How much money? Good! At six in the evening I run to you!

Vodka is an amazing drink: - The taste is always the same. - And adventures are always different!!!

IF... there is a choice in which HELL... to burn, I will choose - RUSSIAN: THEN the boilers are leaky,... THEN the firewood is damp,... THEN the devils are drunk..!!..))..

Dear Ministers of Education!!! could you draw in 3rd grade: “THE WORLD THROUGH THE EYES OF A GRASSHOPPER?”??? What are you smoking when you are creating a school curriculum???

It's good to be a caterpillar: you eat - you eat - you eat, then you wrap yourself up, you sleep - you sleep - you sleep, you wake up - beautiful!

Dad, what is Friday the 13th?
- - Well, this is when different witches, kikimoras, mermaids get together, drink, walk, have fun, dance...
- Dad..., it looks like March 8th...