Funny short jokes (18 pcs). New funny jokes that will make you cry and fresh jokes (18 pieces)

Heading Jokes for adults contains funny vulgar jokes , that is, jokes marked +18. Here you can find jokes involving sex, as well as many other vulgar jokes. It may seem that such a topic is very indecent for the majority of society, but still this topic finds its lover of vulgarity.
These could be jokes from deep meaning that need to be understood or simple lungs jokes that you can read without straining and laugh from your heart. Sex is a topic on which everyone enjoys reading jokes and loves to laugh at it, the main thing is not to become a character in one of them. And yet, the jokes that can cause real laughter “to tears” are precisely those, jokes for adults.
Such jokes are perfect for those who want to laugh with colleagues during breaks at work, because there is something you can joke about so that everyone laughs and retells the joke further. Dirty jokes some people manage to tell their girlfriends on a date to see their reaction and laugh about it themselves. Jokes about sex have nothing to do with the level of sex education, it's just funny and fun. If you want to cheer someone up, a vulgar joke will come in handy.
Whatever the jokes are, bearded or not, they can be told an infinite number of times, and this does not stop them being funnier. When the day is not going well or just Bad mood, a whole page with jokes on the jokes website will amuse you and help you take your mind off bad thoughts. Sex in jokes allows you to laugh at what is not funny in life, although any ridiculous situation can turn out to be funnier than any joke that was deliberately invented. Thus, +18 jokes can be based on real life, and maybe this is what makes everyone laugh the most, since these are situations that have already happened to them or could happen.
Most people love dirty jokes, even if they don't admit it. It is not necessary to understand or explain this in any way, it is enough to just laugh heartily, because laughter prolongs life. Jokes for those who are older are told by friends and girlfriends to each other, this is what they whisper about in the office or talk loudly and out loud, because, to be honest, everyone is interested in sex and everything connected with it. This topic is so interesting that no matter how many jokes there are, they are all read in one breath and are remembered forever. I remember a couple of such jokes and consider that you have become the life of the party, you can entertain your friends during holidays and parties.
Short or long jokes about sex, if they are original and interesting, are remembered verbatim, but even if not, you can retell them in your own words, although sometimes it’s the word used that makes it funny. Jokes for those 18+ are something that will always be interesting and relevant, so this section the site will continue to develop as new popular jokes for adults appear, as the demand was, is and will be.

We have prepared new ones for you fresh jokes to tears and fresh jokes. A lot of time was spent searching and selecting these anecdotes.

Selecting these jokes and reading them, it was funny to the point of tears, since the jokes are very funny and laughable. Please note on the website Pozitiv.ru you can find fresh jokes every day.

Today the site Pozitiv.ru has collected 20 for you best jokes and good jokes.

Here are the latest new jokes.

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1. — What is the difference between female and male logic?
- Men's logic is correct, women's logic is interesting.

2. I served in the army, I served in justice, I served in the police, I am serving in the police, I am being transferred to the National Guard, I feel that I will retire as a musketeer.

3. People don't care what's in your soul. But what is your salary, how much do you weigh and who do you sleep with...
This is yeah... This is information...

4. Don’t say “fat”, it’s offensive. We should say “a person with an oscillating body contour”

5. But life after 50 is just beginning! — I thought and poured myself another 50.

New funny short jokes

6. - Well, how are the exams?
- They've gone up in price!

7. Everything you write in a search query can and will be used against you in contextual advertising.

The site works for you every day, makes you smile and lifts your spirits :)

9. - Today, finally, I am truly happy!
- Why?
- Because I'm doing what I wanted.
- What did you want?
“I wanted to do nothing.”
10.

The best jokes and laughable jokes

11. Soon all banks in Russia will unite into one bank - a united bank - Obebank, or a national unified bank - Naebank.

12. New research shows that married women are more satisfied with their lives than unmarried people... or vice versa, depending on their mood.

13. Two drunk friends are sitting.
One asks the other:
“You don’t know why everyone calls me Gin?” Probably because I can do anything.
The second one answers him:
- No. It’s just that if a bottle opens somewhere, you immediately appear.

14. The most reliable and effective method save money on buying a sheepskin coat for your wife, tell her while trying on: “A delightful thing! It’s a pity that you’re getting fat.”

Funny jokes and good jokes

16. - Well, what's new at school, son?
- Rates, dad.

17. Husband to wife:
- What will you do if you see me kissing another woman?
- Well... how faithful wife, I will visit you... in traumatology...

18. The conductor Lucy, when she was tired of the passengers in the carriage, added sleeping pills to their tea. And when she got bored, she mixed Viagra into their tea.

Coming to the pharmacy

It’s a man, puts his fingers on the counter and nervously fingers.
The seller asks him:
- Man, do you need hand cream?
- Not really. Give me five Viagra tablets, otherwise five girls will come to me today.
In general, I bought it and left. However, the next day he came again, put his hand on the counter and drummed his fingers. Seller again:
- What, Viagra again?
- No, hand cream. Yesterday the girls didn't come...

A seventh grader's mother found a sadomasochism kit in his backpack. On this occasion there is a meeting in the kitchen family council. Father:
Well, as I understand it, it’s useless to flog...

***
Multi-storey building was alarmed on Saturday morning when its inhabitants read in large letters on the asphalt: “I screwed your wife again!”

***
I’m sitting at work, a guy is eating Twix, and then I tell him: “Throw me a stick!” . He already choked!

***
- My son asks for your daughter's hand in marriage. - What, your son doesn’t have a hand? - Yes, but she’s already tired.

***
- You are the last person I would agree to sleep with! - Okay, I’ll tell you not to bother me!

***
The husband, after a quarrel, says to his wife (seriously, in a businesslike way): - Well, okay - you don’t want to make peace, let’s fuck like enemies...

***
- How did you meet? - Yes, we woke up together!

***
Rapid-fire men are the pinnacle of evolution. While everyone is still puffing and sweating, they have already continued the race and are playing tanks.

Did you hear that Moisha had a stroke?
- So, everywhere?
- Left hand and my left leg was taken away...
- And the penis?
- I managed to throw it to the right...

He and she are having sex - then she suggests to him - let's try something new!
- And what?
- Well, let me shit on your chest and then we’ll have sex!
- Come on!
She shit on his chest - we fucked to our hearts' content, then he tells her
- Now I’ll give you a shit and we’ll have sex!
- Come on!
I sat down over her - I pushed - I pushed, nothing worked)))
Then she starts screaming!
- You don’t love me, you reptile!!!

A man complains to the doctor, his wife screams loudly during sex. The doctor asks for more details.
M - Let's undress.
D - Yes.
M - Let's go to bed.
D - So, so far everything is fine.
M - I'm going into it.
D - Wonderful.
M - I put my hand in there.
D - Stop! Why a hand?
M - How to jerk off?

Natasha, are you without panties again today?
- How did you know, Lieutenant?
- Because of dandruff on shoes...

Conversation between two officers' wives:
- I heard that a man got promoted to Tamarka and is now impotent.
- People are lucky. But my fool, everyone wears captains.

Nikolai, are you busy? No? Well, nice! Come to us, we are reading Brodsky here! Alexey brought four volumes of his collected works. With us are two graduate students from the Faculty of Philology of Moscow State University and a student from the Conservatory. If it’s not difficult, take with you some instrument to play music - a violin, or better yet a cello.
- Gray, where do you find these?! What is a cello? Litruha vodyary, or what?
- Yes, yes, Nikolai, we are waiting for you!

Darling, can you tell me something pleasant and unpleasant at the same time?
- Among your friends, you have the biggest dick!

Getting ready to go hunting, the hunter says to his wife: “You have three choices: either you go with me, or I’ll fuck you in the ass, or you give me a blowjob.” Think about it - while I'm packing up the dog... Half an hour later he comes: - Well, have you decided? The wife says: - I don’t want to go with you, I don’t like it in the ass - it stays in the mouth... She starts sucking - and suddenly says with disgust: - What is this vile taste?! The husband answers: “Yes, the dog also decided not to go.”

A man comes to the hospital and says his elbow hurts.
The doctor sends him for a urine test.
The man indignantly: - Doctor, what urine, my elbow hurts!
The doctor says: “I came for treatment, they told me to take it, so give it up, and don’t argue.”
Well, an angry man comes home, took urine from his wife, daughter, mother-in-law, cat, water from the heating radiator, added brake fluid from the car, then went and had this whole mixture tested.
He comes for the result, the doctor tells him: “Your cat is absolutely healthy, you don’t have to worry about it.”
The batteries will not need repairs anytime soon.
The mother-in-law develops terrible disease, you need to have an operation, it’s expensive and only abroad. Don’t worry about your daughter, her body is young and strong, despite her age of thirteen, the fetus has formed successfully, there will be twins.
The same can’t be said about your wife, your wife has had syphilis for six months now, and due to her illness she won’t give it to you, and you masturbate in the toilet, and it’s cramped there, you hit your elbow, and that’s why your elbow hurts.
The man gets up and goes crazy and leaves. The doctor shouts after him: “You should also change the brakes and adjust the valves on the Moskvich!”

Sorry, but I don't have sex without feelings.
- What about pity?

Two very frail old men meet. One to another:
- Yesterday I picked up such a young woman in a bar! Mmmm...
- And what?
- Well, I treated you, at first.
- AND?
- Well, we talked a little.
- Well?
- Then we went to her...
- And what? What's next?
- And there I fooled her soooo much!
- Did you blow it just like that?...
- Well, I screwed it up - I didn’t screw it up, but I screwed it in properly!

Tomorrow we have a test for everyone!!!
Vovochka (untied):
- What if I’m sexually tired?
- You will write with the other hand.

Lieutenant Rzhevsky and Natasha Rostova are swimming along the river. Natasha:
- Oh, lieutenant! Look at the birds! How I want to become a bird!
- Oh, lieutenant! look at the fish! How I want to become a fish!
The lieutenant moves his hand through the water:
- Crayfish, crayfish... where are the crayfish!

Tell me, Victor, why did Natasha punch you in the eye on the first day you met?
“We were walking around the zoo with her,” he began to explain, stuttering terribly, “I saw two monkeys kissing on a tree and said, “Natasha, shouldn’t we follow their example?” And received!
- But why?
- Yes, because while I was saying all this, the situation on the tree had changed a lot...

Rzhevsky brags
- And today I touched Natasha’s pussy!
- So how is it?
-Have you ever fed a horse from your palm?
- Yes, repeatedly.
- It feels very similar.

THE USSR. Newspaper "Pravda" Graduate of the Faculty of Journalism by distribution. Editor-in-Chief: You have 5 minutes, impromptu. Let's see what they are capable of.
- It was a clear morning. The lord entered his wife's bedroom. Madam, would you like some coffee? Perhaps yes! And he fucked her on the windowsill...
- Wait a minute, young man, where is the leading and guiding role of our Party?
- Easily! It was a clear morning. The lord entered his wife's bedroom. Madam, would you like some coffee? Perhaps yes! And he fucked her on the windowsill...And at that time the next Plenum of the Central Committee was taking place in the Kremlin...
- It’s better, but not a word about our great people...
-Easily! It was a clear morning. The lord entered his wife's bedroom. Madam, would you like some coffee? Perhaps yes! And he fucked her on the windowsill... And at that time the next Plenum of the Central Committee was taking place in the Kremlin... Its results were already discussed by the workers who were digging a ditch in Uryupinsk...
- Well, you can... Just add confidence in the future...
-Easily! It was a clear morning. The lord entered his wife's bedroom. Madam, would you like some coffee? Perhaps yes! And he fucked her on the windowsill... And at that time the next Plenum of the Central Committee was taking place in the Kremlin... Its results were already being discussed by the workers who were digging a ditch in Uryupinsk... Closer to lunch, the foreman threw down the shovel and solemnly said: fuck off, Vaska , for a bottle, we still have to fuck and fuck with this ditch - like that lord on the windowsill.

Rzhevsky, with a terrible headache after yesterday's incident, takes Natasha on a boat ride.

Natasha playfully: Porutchik, do you like autumn?
Rzhevsky: ...
Natasha: Lieutenant, what kind of dreams do you think a bear has in winter?
Rzhevsky: ...
Natasha: Well, say something.
Rzhevsky: Why?
Natasha: To keep the conversation going
...
Rzhevsky: Natasha, have you ever been hit on your bare pussy with a wet paddle?
Natasha, scared: No, what?
Rzhevsky: Yes... to keep the conversation going.

At the Tsarina's ball, Natasha Rostova spun, danced, slipped and fell into the splits. And she stuck her vagina to the floor. Well, the men gathered here and tried to pull Natasha off the floor, but it didn’t work. She sucked it tightly. They think about what to do.
“It is necessary,” says Pierre Bezukhov, “to drill a hole in the ceiling below so that air can get into the vagina.”
“Why, you’re completely crazy,” everyone started laughing, “the queen will tear us apart for the parquet floor.” The renovation was recently done, the parquet is imported.
Lieutenant Rzhevsky:
- Let’s twist Natasha’s nipples!
- Lieutenant, you are completely fucked, what do nipples have to do with it?!
Lieutenant:
- Well, we’ll twist her nipples, she’ll get excited, everything will get wet there, lubricant will appear, we’ll drag her by the hair to the kitchen, and the parquet in the kitchen is old and crap - you can drill.

Dirty jokes (Page No. 18)

Three friends meet.
One wife has been for ten years - another is a mistress - the third is engaged (bride). Well, we discussed our men, this and that - we decided to experiment: wear black leather lingerie - sexy stockings with a belt - high heels - an eye mask and so meet your loved ones.
A week later they meet again.
“The Bride” says - He came home, I met him in stockings, wearing a mask high heels- he attacked me and said that I was the love of his life and we had sex all night.
The mistress says - I came to his office - closed the door - opened my coat - and there was leather underwear, a mask, heels - he didn’t say anything, but we had sex for 5 hours without a break.
The wife says embarrassedly - my husband came home from work, I opened the door in black leather lingerie, sexy stockings and a mask - he looked and asked: “What’s for dinner, Batman?”

A husband and wife lie in bed at night. The wife says: “I want to smoke something.
Go buy some cigarettes." The husband reluctantly gets up and gets dressed. He goes outside and that’s it.
closed. Moves on in hopes of finding open stall. Looks-bar night
open. I walked in, sat down at the counter, and ordered myself a drink. A girl sat down next to him. To her
I also ordered a drink. We started talking. He offered to take her home. Conducted. She
She offered to have coffee with her. He agreed. After coffee they got busy
sex. At 6 o’clock in the morning the man woke up in a sweat with the thought: “My wife
I sent you for cigarettes!" He says to the girl:
- Do you have chalk?
- Eat....
- Give it quickly!
The girl gave the chalk and watched the man with interest. He oiled his hands
chalk and came home.
The hysterical wife asks:
- Where have you been?!
- You know, darling, I went out and saw that everything was closed. I move on in the hope of finding
open stall. I see the night bar is open. Walked in, sat at the counter, ordered
get yourself a drink. A girl sat down next to him. I ordered her a drink too. We started talking. Offered
take her home. Conducted. She offered to have coffee with her. I agreed. After
coffee we had sex. At 6 o'clock in the morning I woke up in a sweat with the thought: "Wife
she sent me for cigarettes!”... and then he came....
The wife, making a malicious face, says: “Well, show me your hands!” Man with a guilty man
shows his hands. Wife: “I played billiards with my friends all night again!”

A husband and wife lie in bed at night.
Wife:
- I want to smoke something. . . Go buy some cigarettes!
The husband reluctantly gets up and gets dressed. He goes outside - everything is closed. Looks
- the bar is open. I walked in, sat down at the counter, and ordered myself a drink. A girl sat down next to him. I ordered her a drink too. We started talking. He offered to take her home. Conducted. She offered to have coffee with her. He agreed.
After coffee they had sex. At 6 am the man woke up with the thought:
“My wife sent me for cigarettes!!!”
Says to the girl:
- Do you have chalk?
- Eat.
- Give it quickly!
The girl gave the chalk and watched the man with interest. He smeared his hands with chalk and went home. Wife in hysterics:
- Where have you been? !
- You know, darling, I went out and saw that everything was closed. I see the bar is open.
I walked in, sat down at the counter, and ordered myself a drink. A girl sat down next to him. I ordered her a drink too. We started talking. He offered to take her home. Conducted.
She offered to have coffee with her. I agreed. After coffee we had sex. At 6 am I woke up with the thought:
“My wife sent me for cigarettes!” - and then he came.
The wife, making a malicious face, says:
- Well, show me your hands!
The man shows his hands with a guilty look.
Wife:
- Bastard - he played billiards all night again! ! !

A man and a woman got married, and he says to her:
- Since you are my wife, you must respect my habits. I have 3 of them!!!
First. Every Wednesday I play football with my friends. Rain, snow, whatever happens FOOTBALL! Understood?
“I understand,” the wife answers.
- Second. Every Friday I play preference with my friends.
- Understood?
“I understand,” the wife answers.
- And finally, the third. Every Sunday I go fishing. Winter, cold, mother-in-law's birthday - it doesn't matter. I have a FISH! Understood?
“I understand,” the wife answers.
- Well? What do you say?
- I understood everything.
- Any objections?
- No.
- Or maybe you also have some habits?
- Yes, alone. I have SEX every evening at 9 o'clock. There is a husband at home, there is no husband at home - it doesn’t matter, I have SEX!

The man's wife began to gain weight and went to consult a doctor. She came back and said:
- It's OK. The doctor said I need to move more. For example, walk to Tula and back twice a week.
- Man, it’s hard to get to Tula. Maybe there's something else we can try?
- Well, you and I can have sex five times a day.
- Actually, if you think about it, it’s just a stone’s throw from Tula. . .

Deaf and dumb people got married.
First the wedding night and they just can’t do it in the dark because you can’t see what one wants to say to the other.
Well, the next morning, the young wife signs to her husband:
- Darling, in bed we don’t understand each other at all, so let’s agree this way: if in the evening, when we go to bed, you want to have sex with me, you touch my right breast, and if you don’t want to, then touch my left one.
- Great idea! The husband signals in response with his hands. Only I have an addition: come on, if you want to have sex with me at night, then pull my penis 2 times, and if you don’t want to, then 50 times

The husband and wife have been sleeping separately for many nights because the wife is on last month pregnancy. Seeing how exhausted her husband is, she tells him:
- Dear, I understand perfectly well that you are a man, I see how you are exhausted, but since I myself cannot satisfy you now for obvious reasons, here’s 30 bucks for you, go to your neighbor, she will be ready to have sex with you. But only this is the first and last time! I agree to this only because I love you very much...
The husband, not believing his ears, takes the money and, before his wife changes her mind, quickly goes to the neighbor. However, after a few minutes he returns and tells his wife:
- She doesn’t agree for 30 bucks, she wants 50...
- What a bitch! And when I was pregnant last year, I only took 25 from her man! . .

Husband:
- Honey, I have to admit to you that when I have sex with you, I think about other women.
Wife:
- Oh, you scoundrel! And by the way, I always think only about you when I have sex with other men!

They ask the old bachelor:
- How long will you hang around without your family? Isn't it time to get married?!
He answers:
- Why the hell do I need this! I have two sisters who take care of me and give me absolutely everything I need...
- Well, okay, but sisters will never replace you good wife, having sex with them is a big sin!
- Why?! These are not my sisters!

The wife calls her husband in a gentle voice because she came home before my husband:
- Hello honey, are you very busy?
- No, I’m already finishing! And what?
- I had this cool idea, maybe we can have phone sex?
- Right now?
- Yes right now! I'm talking to you here and ironing something! She's so big...
- Oh, honey, you are naughty!
- Yes! And she is also so pleasant to the touch...
- Mmmm my slut!
- And, damn it, it’s cold!
- Who?! . .
- The chicken I asked you to take out of the refrigerator before you went to work, idiot!

Bank. The height of the working day. A masked man with a machine gun bursts in:
-this is a robbery, everyone stand, etc.
approaches the girl at the reception desk, unzips his fly, takes out his penis and says:
-suck!
The girl starts sucking. The bandit calmly takes off his mask and says in an offended tone:
-but we don’t want to go home, but at home we spit!

Daughter, don’t have sex until you marry your husband. - Okay, mom I won’t next time!

Natasha Rostova: - Rzhevsky, from now on treat people the way you would like people to treat you... Rzhevsky: - What is this, Natasha, should I suck everyone’s dick now?

Three married couples (elderly, middle-aged, and young) want to become...
parishioners of the same church. And the pastor tells them:
- We have one condition: you must not have sex for two weeks.
Well, after two weeks everyone comes to the pastor again.
A pastor asks an elderly couple:
- Well, did you pass the test?
“Yes,” answers the elderly couple, “Everything was very easy.”
“Okay,” says the pastor, “from now on you are welcome visitors.”
our churches.
Then he asks the same question to a middle-aged couple.
“Yes,” they answer, “It was not easy, but we restrained ourselves.”
Well, the pastor answered them:
- Okay, now you are welcome visitors to our church.
And he asks the same question to the young couple.
“No,” the young couple answer, and the husband adds:
- We tried very hard, but one day my wife reached for a jar of green
peas, dropped it, bent down... well, then I couldn’t stand it...
The pastor got upset and said:
- It’s bad if you don’t become welcome visitors to our church.
And husband:
- Yes, I understand, we are now unwanted visitors in that store too...

1. She whispered: “Tie me up and do what you want.” I tied her up and went to the bar.

2. - I see right through your brain.
- Yes? So what's there?
- Fool, I say: “through and through”...

3. If you eat peas and onions, you will get tear gas.

4. - So, we bought a dacha for relaxation.
- Well, how are you resting?
- Yes, when we don’t go to the dacha...

5. When Katya did 50 pull-ups, the physical education teacher changed his mind about leaving her after class.

6. - Yesterday I met a Baltic guy. Call me Suren.
- What kind of Balt is he?!
- Well, I don’t know, he’s babbling in ten minutes...

7. Caught by a girl Goldfish, and she promised her to fulfill three wishes.
- Fish, I want... I want... I want...
- Honey, remember - there are only three wishes! No more, no less.
- Okay, fish, let there be only three. So, remember: an apartment, a car for luck - one, a fur coat, a ring, a hairstyle and a handbag - two, a handsome, beloved, kind husband - three!

8. Men, if you listen to them, are the bravest, strongest and sexiest creatures in the world. And women are the sweetest, kindest and most perfect...if you don’t listen to them.

9. Old age has set in when, heading from a delightful meeting with one lover to a meeting with a second lover, you give up and call the elevator instead of fluttering on foot to the sixteenth floor waiting for you.

10. Not letting a woman finish is a form of sophisticated sadism.

11. I was riding home by metro from a wonderful festive evening with friends. Only they, the bastards, broke it! They woke me up with ammonia and asked why I had been holding onto the clothes hanger on the balcony for 40 minutes...

12. Do you remember school? While the teacher’s phrase sounded: “So, it’s time to go to the blackboard...”, someone was getting a micro-infarction, someone had time to pray, and someone managed to learn half of their homework.

13. It turns out that Chukovsky wrote about my work: “And such rubbish all day long - either a seal will call, or a deer.”

14. A child who steps on a new tablet is still your child, no matter what you call it. Before you scold your child, remember yourself at his age, pat him on the head, kiss him and go drink your valerian.

15. Women are divided into those who swing their hips and those who swing their rights. The first ones, as a rule, achieve more...

16. Death takes the best. In short, still to live and live...

17. A paranoid and a schizophrenic are coming. Paranoid:
- Let's go to the other side, the gopniks are coming towards us.
- Bullshit, let's go ahead.
The Gopniks are attacking, the schizophrenic has scattered everyone. Paranoid:
- How did you do this?
- Easily. There were 5 of them, and 10 of me...

18. A Jewish family collects a basket of pies for the Jewish Little Red Riding Hood and gives her parting words:
- Listen here. When you come to your grandmother, she will immediately cry to you that, oh hey, winter is coming very soon, the cracks are blowing, the faucet is leaking, there is nothing to heat, the roof is leaky, there is absolutely no money and in general, what do you, granddaughter, know in this life? . But don’t listen to anything, but stand firmly on your own: with cabbage - 5 each, with meat - 8 each!