Raising a Christian Girl. Traditions of Orthodox upbringing of children in the family Orthodox view on raising children

“Education” An ancient Byzantine image, which in Russia was called “Education”, since those praying before her received help from the Mother of God in raising children. The icon of the Mother of God became famous throughout Russia for its miracles. The original icon of the Mother of God before

Education The family of Noah is also associated with the emergence of the first moral assessment of the actions of man by man. Noah was the first to plant vineyards, make wine and taste it: Noah began to cultivate the land and planted a vineyard; and he drank the wine and became drunk,

RAISING CHILDREN IN AN ORTHODOX FAMILY

With the birth of a child in the family, the complex mechanism of the family was involved in his upbringing. Communication in the family, as well as with close relatives, has always carried a spiritual and psychological load. Any nuances in the relationships of parents with each other and with relatives are sensitively captured by children at both conscious and unconscious levels. Openness or isolation, sincerity or pretense, sympathy or indifference, generosity or stinginess, goodwill or coldness - everything falls on the scales of children's perception, is deposited in memory with various emotional shades, influencing the formation of the child's personality. Every person has a grateful memory of his childhood impressions of communicating with his grandparents. A child’s world is unthinkable without lullabies, fairy tales, and instructive stories. Grandparents told their grandchildren about their youth, games, service or work, meetings and communication with interesting people, shared their life experiences, while they remembered their parents, grandparents. This veneration of the blessed memory of ancestors preserved the feeling of their presence in the family. And the house itself, the furniture, the things they bought or made with their own hands supported this atmosphere and created a kind of moral nourishment. Thus, three, sometimes four generations participated in living communication, which were connected by living memory with two more generations who had left this world. All these seven generations constituted a kind of root that went deep into the family.

The spatial position of the roots of the clan in the person of more or less close relatives (uncles, aunts, nephews, cousins, second cousins, matchmakers, brothers-in-law, etc.) gave stability to the clan, covering both the vast geography of residence and various levels of the social ladder .

Child baptism

The path of every Christian to the Kingdom of God begins with the Sacrament of Baptism. Faith and repentance are required to receive Baptism. The Orthodox Church teaches that faith in the sacrament and the associated sincere desire to receive it are necessary conditions for the effect of the sacrament to be salvific: “Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved; and whoever does not believe will be condemned” (Mark 16:16).

Protecting your child from problems and adversity is the most important thing for parents. According to the tradition of the Church, an infant should be baptized on the eighth or fortieth day of life. It is clear that at this age it is impossible to demand from him faith and repentance - the two main conditions for union with God. Therefore, since ancient times, godparents have appeared - people whose faith baptizes infants. The task of godparents, as the Church sees it, is to help parents in the Orthodox upbringing of their godchildren. Being a godfather is both an honor and responsibility.

“Godparents must be baptized, church-going Orthodox Christians, must know prayers, read the Gospel. The main thing is that the criterion for choosing a godfather or godmother is whether he will subsequently be able to help the family in the Christian upbringing of the child. And, of course, an important criterion should be the degree of acquaintance and simply the friendliness of the relationship.” (2, p. 3).

Godmothers and fathers, by participating in the Sacrament, take responsibility for the child, so they must be Orthodox people. Godfathers, of course, should be a person who also has some experience of church life and will help the parents raise the baby in faith, piety and purity. Godparents are obliged to pray for their godchildren, so that the Lord will keep them on the path of piety. The main thing in which a godfather can and should help, and in which he undertakes an obligation, is not only to be present at Baptism, but also then to help the godson grow, strengthen in church life, and in no case limit your Christianity only through Baptism. According to the teachings of the Church, for the way the godparents took care of fulfilling these duties, they will be held accountable on the day of the last judgment, just as for the upbringing of their own children. In families of the Russian North, the godmother was called “bozhatka” (mother given by God at baptism).

So, godparents took responsibility for the moral development of their godchildren, helping them in difficult life situations. Relatives were more often chosen as godparents, thereby further strengthening family ties. But closest friends and respected neighbors also became godparents, thereby expanding the boundaries of the family.

Thus, the entire system of kinship relations convincingly testifies that the essence of prolongation of the race is evolutionarily aimed at creating conditions for the disclosure of those best qualities and properties of a person that are inherent in his nature from birth, at the development of creativity of the mind and soul.

Religious and labor education

The basis for raising Christian children strong in faith is the intense spiritual inner life of parents, in which they participate in accordance with their age and characteristics of their character.“The spirit of faith and piety of parents should be revered as a powerful means for preserving and nurturing and strengthening a grace-filled life in children.”- wrote Saint Theophan the Recluse.

Such involvement in spiritual life is necessary for the development of Christian knowledge and skills in children and is the key to transforming, over time, relationships between parents - children, elders - younger ones into relationships of spiritual friends. Then parents will share spiritual experience, while growing, borrowing spiritual experience and knowledge from their children.

The task of education is to put the beginnings of faith in the hearts, to reveal it and prepare children for life. According to the word of Christ, “The kingdom of God is within you” (Luke 17:21). It is not given by education, It is a gift from God, but education can clear the way to its acceptance. The initial stages of education fall on the shoulders of the mother. She teaches the child the sign of the cross and prayer, then the role of the father begins to increase.

“The child should grow in consciousness of the existence of God, His power and love, and not only an understanding of the need for prayer, but also a living need for it. For this we need upbringing, the example of parents, their prayers for the child.” (2, p. 4).

Religious and moral education is greatly facilitated by the presence of a permanent confessor in children, and children are taught a proper attitude towards him, corresponding to his rank and position.

Even before school, parents should tell their children about the main milestones of Sacred history, while revealing the reliability of the Bible in the light of scientific data: children should be able to overcome the influence of anti-Christian propaganda.

Systematic classes should be conducted with schoolchildren to study the Gospel and the Creed and familiarize them, at least in the most general form, with the meaning and content of church services. Many send their children to Sunday schools for this purpose. These schools must first and foremost instill a religious sense of morality and reverence. But religious education itself begins primarily in the family, and additional training can only help it.

During adolescence, adolescents undergo a critical rethinking of the world, and there is a desire to assert their independence and personal independence. The main contradiction of adolescence is self-affirmation and criticism, as well as a painful desire to be understood by other people and an increased interest in their views.

Thus, the family is a kind of school of religious education. Her task is to instill faith in a child from childhood and help children along the path of life.

Labor education is the formation of a creative principle in a person. It can manifest itself in creativity, gardening, cleaning, scientific activity, personal development, etc. - in all these actions, similarity to God the Creator is manifested. Religion ennobles every work if it is done in the name of God and love.

Orthodoxy regards work as both obedience and creativity. Obedience is necessary to combat sinfulness, and creativity is a gift for which you need to thank the Lord and feel responsible for its possession. By developing our talents, we increase them, and if we do not use them in work, we lose them. So, children need to be taught to do useful work. Thanks to this, they will not become selfish, will need activity and strive to help others.

LITERATURE

1. Many blame today's times and the corruption of its spirit for the fact that our children are ill-mannered, cruel, insensitive, and prone to bad vices.

   Our age is a time of rampant tyranny, arbitrariness, so-called “freedom,” but in fact, unbridledness and debauchery. The authority of parents, elders, and superiors has been lost; there is no trust in anyone. Lies and hypocrisy are everywhere, honor and conscience are lost - they are devalued. Material wealth is held in high esteem. Yes, this terrible spirit of the times has a corrupting effect on children and the younger generation. But even more so, the role of parents in raising children at home is increasing.

   How to protect a child from the bad influence of so many factors of our time? First of all, by example.

   If parents themselves do not honor God, His Church, they speak with ridicule of all authorities - civil, ecclesiastical; They ironize and question everything in front of their children - how will your child respect you - father and mother? He will naturally lose respect for his parents and their power over him.

   Therefore, parents, if you want the corrupting spirit of the times not to touch your children, first eradicate it in yourself, hold fast to the good morality that Christianity and the Orthodox Church contain, do not forget about the traditions of family education of your pious ancestors.

   Holy Righteous John of Kronstadt wrote about how harmful so-called “freedom” is for both adults and children. They say that a person cannot be forced into anything - neither in faith, nor in teaching. What nonsense is this! What good can come out of such a “free” person living according to his own will? After all, we all force ourselves to do everything necessary and useful, to fulfill our duties and responsibilities, and our children to study, to prayer, and to all kinds of deeds. And if we don’t do this, what will become of our children? - Sloths, naughty people, who, moreover, will learn all kinds of evil and selfishness.

   1. The best legacy of parents to children is a good upbringing.

   2. Raising children should begin with the birth of a child.

   In the process of upbringing, everything bad must be eradicated in a child and good principles must be implanted.

   No– self-will, stubbornness, lies, deception, manifestations of inclination towards laziness, delicacies.

   Yes– reverence for God and prayer; obedience and accuracy, justice and frankness, patience and the ability to sacrifice oneself - selflessness.

   Children are not the main ones in your home, they are your helpers in everything. You, parents, are always elders for them, but not comrades, girlfriends, but parents - Father and Mother. And this should be so from the very early age of the child and for the rest of his life.

   Never Children do not defeat their parents; the elders always have the last word.

   If in the future your children, having matured, going astray and are tempted by bad examples - this means that parents from an early age did not engage in religious education of the child, didn't teach him fear of God.

   Some children raised in Christian piety and piety from infancy, even later being morally corrupted, remember those lessons and instructions they received from their parents in childhood. Many people turn away from sinful life and take the right path.

   If your children are disrespectful and disobedient, then you, the parents, raised your child ineptly, often setting a bad example for your children. Firstly, they did not suppress their pride, they gave free rein in everything - in their whims and desires. Secondly, you, mothers and fathers, did not agree with each other in your prohibitions or restrictions on the child. Thirdly, outbursts, sharp manifestations of anger, scolding of one of the parents did not contribute to the child’s respect and respect for you, but only instilled fear in his soul and also a tendency to deceive - “so that dad doesn’t swear.”

   There is no agreement between parents, quarrels, scandals in front of the child - no matter how hard you try to instill something good in him - the child will not listen to you or other family members, family authority for your child will be zero.

   If your children are prone to deception(but not fantasies - for little ones this is a property of their psyche, for example, “I saw an elephant, he greeted me,” etc.) and hypocrisy, then, firstly, you did not teach to love the truth on a religious basis, out of love to God and obedience to Him; secondly, they did not treat the child with complete confidence, did not take his word for it, but demanded confirmation of what was said; thirdly, you yourself were not truthful in all your words and deeds, that is, you deceived and were hypocrites (for example, in front of a guest, they complimented him, expressed love, and when he left, they “watered” him with a tub of unpleasant words in front of the child, i.e. That is, they were just pretending to be friends.

   Children must be taught to hate lies.; tell your child that God forbade lying, every lie is a sin before God. One of the reasons why a child learns to tell lies is the condescension of his parents. So, if he did something bad and does not admit it, he starts to lie - it is necessary to punish the child, so he will understand that this is a bad deed.

   If your children are unhappy with you, reproach you for the fact that you could not provide them with a good life, did not leave them money, an apartment, and they themselves must achieve everything in life, then, dear parents, you forgot from childhood to teach them to be unpretentious, to be content with what they have. You, parents, did not care about the spiritual principles in the family; you considered the first thing to do was to feed, put on shoes and clothe the child, and that’s all. Therefore, from infancy, do not pamper children, strengthen them physically in every possible way, cultivate endurance (don’t bundle them up, don’t make the bed too soft, don’t let them sleep for a long time, etc.).

   Poor parents We must teach children to voluntarily and patiently endure poverty and need, following the example of Jesus Christ. This is what they can say to their children: “Do not be afraid, my son: although we lead a poor life, you will receive much good if you yourself fear God, avoid all sins and do good” (Tov. 4:21). There is no need to complain about poverty in front of your children or envy those who live better.

   If your children are lazy, do not want to help you in your affairs, then you did not teach them to work hard, did not involve them in household chores, general family concerns.

   If your children are messy and sloppy- then you left them to their own free will: he doesn’t make the bed - there’s no time, he goes to bed late - as long as he’s at home, let him watch TV, etc.

   If your children are shameless, they are not afraid of anything and are not embarrassed, you did not tell them in childhood that this is ugly, for example, when a child walks half naked in the presence of his family (of course, an older child), or a girl puts on some kind of outfit that too openly emphasizes or exposing some parts of the body. Parents themselves should set an example for their children in this.

   If your children are jealous, are unkind to their neighbors, then you did not stop this vice in children in time, for example, dissatisfaction when you offered the child some thing, a toy, clothes, and he pushed them away from himself, because Petya is better, and he is worse. Such an act should not go unpunished.

   Parents shouldn't have pets either. if there are several children in the family. There should not be anything special, such as food or toys, even for a younger child. We must try to measure everyone by the same yardstick - the same praise, reward and punishment. Younger children should also be punished for those offenses for which older children are also punished (of course, taking into account the age characteristics of younger and older children, i.e. act reasonably). The most important thing is to tell children that envy is disgusting to God, this is a very great sin, even evil came from envy - the Holy Scripture speaks about this (Cain and Abel; the Pharisees falsely, out of envy, accused the Savior and brought Him to death on the cross) ... " Through the envy of the devil, death entered the world, and those who allow it into their hearts imitate him.”

   Dear parents! So that your child does not resemble an indomitable, wild, cruel and merciless beast, for which neither laws, nor obligations, nor you yourself exist, punish children from a very young age.

   1. You cannot punish for imperfections and shortcomings, inherited by the child by nature, for example, inability to study or do some activities (provided that you see his hard work and diligence, but his success is more than modest).

   2. You cannot punish strictly for pranks and offenses characteristic of youthful frivolity or natural frivolity. For example, while playing football, a child, through childish absent-mindedness, broke a window, or accidentally broke a plate at home.

   Loving your son, increase his wounds - and then you will not boast about him. Punish your son from his youth and you will rejoice for him in his maturity, and among your ill-wishers you will be able to boast about him, and your enemies will envy you. Raise your children in prohibitions and you will find peace and blessing in them. Don’t laugh in vain when playing with them: in small things you will weaken, in big things you will suffer sorrow, and in the future you will drive like splinters into your soul. So do not give him free rein in his youth, but walk along his ribs while he is growing, and then, having matured, he will not offend you and will not cause you annoyance and illness of the soul, and the ruin of the house, the destruction of property, and the reproach of neighbors, and the ridicule of enemies , and fines from the authorities, and angry annoyance.(Domostroy. P. 46).

   It is necessary to punish children and use the most severe and sensitive means - corporal punishment in the following cases.

   1. When all other measures have proven fruitless (stern talking, deprivation of a walk, kneeling, even a threat). And if it is used, the child should feel it and remember it for a long time.

   2. Corporal punishment is used if the child’s misdeeds stem from stubbornness and bad will, he does not want to confess to what he has done, and does not abandon his bad behavior. This is, first of all, deception, theft, insolence towards parents, failure to comply with their orders and instructions, cruelty towards others, etc.

   Of course, corporal punishment is the first and last resort, the most severe and sensitive.

   Other penalties include: temporary food deprivation– lunch, breakfast – it is especially useful against stubbornness and laziness; for uncooperative children prone to quarrels and vindictiveness, effective punishment is prohibition of communication with friends and closing into a certain room. Quite sensitive children are greatly affected by the fact that because of their actions, their parents stop communicating with them or speak coldly, harshly, and show dissatisfaction with their entire appearance. Reprimand and suggestion, those used as punishment should be short, laconic, and parents’ threats should be carried out.

   Correcting the child is the main goal of punishment. And all of them should be fatherly and not turn into cruelty, should not be done in anger. This is not revenge, but a consequence of the fact that the child committed a sin, offended God, and this, first of all, must be told to the child.

   Always use love when disciplining children– just correcting them, and nothing more. Thus, later they will be grateful to their parents for holding them strictly and guiding them in the right direction in life through good upbringing, forming them into Christians and worthy citizens of their Fatherland.

   Let the words of the famous church and statesman Sylvester, who lived in the era of Ivan the Terrible, the author of the book “Domostroy,” serve as a reminder and example for all of us living in the 21st century, that there is a virtuous life of a Christian, as Russian people previously considered a righteous life, and from which one was warned.

   ...stay, child, to good people of all ranks and titles, imitate their good deeds, listen to good words and fulfill them. Read the Divine Scripture more often and put it into your heart for your benefit. You yourself, child, have seen that in this life we ​​lived in complete reverence and in the fear of God, in simplicity of heart, in fear and respect for the church, always according to the Divine Scripture. I saw how, by God’s grace, we were respected by everyone, loved by everyone, I pleased everyone in the right way with deeds, service, and obedience, and not pride; He did not condemn anyone with a defamatory word, did not mock, did not reproach anyone, did not scold anyone, but the offense came from someone - we endured for God’s sake and blamed ourselves - and therefore enemies became friends. And if I sinned in any way, spiritual or physical, before God and before people, I immediately blamed myself before God for my sin and repented to my spiritual father with tears, contritely asking for forgiveness, and fulfilled his spiritual instructions with gratitude, no matter what he commanded. And if someone accuses me of sin or ignorance, or someone spiritually instructs me, or even scolds me and reproaches me with mockery, I accepted everything gratefully, as if it were true, and repented of it, and withdrew from such matters, if God helped me. Even if he is not guilty of anything, and there is unfair rumor and abuse or some kind of ridicule, reproaches, and beatings, – All the same, I confessed to everything, without justifying myself to people, and with His righteous mercy God will restore the truth. I remembered the words of the Gospel: “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, do good to those who curse you, pray for those who do dirty tricks on you, who drive you out, turn the other cheek to the one who slaps you on the cheek, and do not hinder the one who takes away your clothes and shirt.” , and give to everyone who asks you, do not demand from him who takes away yours, and if someone asks you to go through one journey, go through two with him,” recalling at the same time the prayer at the sacrament: “My Lord, have mercy on those who hate me and are at enmity with me and those who slander me, as well as those who slander me, may none of them ever suffer evil because of me, unclean and sinful, either in this or in the next century, but cleanse them with your mercy and cover them with your grace, O All-Good One !

   And I always consoled myself with the fact that I never sinned against church services from my youth until now, unless I was sick; I have never despised the beggar, the wretched, the stranger, the mournful, or the sorrowful, except perhaps out of ignorance; from prisons and the sick, and captives, and debtors from slavery, and in every need, I ransomed people according to my strength, and I fed the hungry as best I could, I freed my slaves and provided them with food, and I redeemed others from slavery and set them free; and all those of our slaves are free, they live in rich houses, as you see, they pray to God for us and help us in everything. And if someone has forgotten us, may God forgive him in everything.

   And your mother, with good instruction, raised many girls and widows, insignificant and wretched, taught handicrafts and all household items, and, giving them a dowry, gave them in marriage...

   And from whom we, from our nurturers, there were great and many annoyances and losses, we bore it all ourselves, no one heard about it, but God rewarded us for that. You, child, imitate this and do the same: carry and endure every insult within yourself - and God will reward you doubly. I have not known another wife except your mother; As I gave her my word, I fulfilled it. O God, Christ, deign to end your life in a Christian way and in Thy commandments!

   Live, child, according to the Christian law - in all matters without guile, without any cunning in everything.(Domostroy. P. 169–171).

   What is a modern family? Why don’t many parents see their children as their support and support? What are the reasons for the poor upbringing of children today?

   Sociological studies of family and marriage problems have shown that the institution of the family is experiencing a crisis, family values ​​are being transformed, and the entire symbolism of the family image has changed dramatically. This is especially true for the image of childhood, in which, as modern sociologists point out, “the features of the future single-child and familyless world can be discerned.”

   If earlier in a family, for example, a girl was brought up as an assistant, a little housewife, a sister who would dress, take walks, and take care of the younger ones while her mother was busy with other things, then over time everything has changed. Thus, the themes of the birth of a baby, the joy of having a new family member, are replaced by the joy of being able to do without him. This is talked about, for example, in the following verses today.

   I’ll ask my mother for both my sister and brother.
   But my mother said sternly: You have a lot of fantasies,
   We will first buy a carpet, a chandelier, lamps, furniture, sconces.
   ...Her dad is happy, her mother is happy - there is no need to give birth to a second girl,
   After all, there is a foreigner, after all, there is a foreign tourist,
   After all, there is a monkey named Anfiska.

   The concept of a “good child” received a completely new meaning. If earlier this was considered responsible, well-mannered, non-capricious, now “good” means “inconspicuous”, “not interfering”, such that it is as if he is not there - he is not seen, not heard.

   The process of alienation of children from their parents, parents from the family, has formed two opposing worlds - the world of children who do not want to grow up, and the world of parents who believe that parental care is limited only to the material provision of children.

   Now the semantic space of “childhood” is filled with such concepts as loneliness, a feeling of abandonment, lack of emotional connections and warmth, and misunderstanding.

   More recently, the duration of marriages for the older generation was 20–30 years, for the younger generation – six months to a year; the number of children in the middle of the 20th century was four, now, as a rule, one child. The modern family is characterized by extreme instability of social ties and a shift in the family role structure.

   In broken families, grandparents replace mothers, who, in turn, play the role of workers, or fathers who have left the family.

   Nurseries, kindergartens, orphanages and other government institutions act as substitutes for parental education. In a situation of role substitution, the child has a distorted experience of parental upbringing or is generally deprived of visual experience of interaction between father and mother, between parents and child - all this has an extremely negative impact on his self-esteem and further maturation. After all, it is the behavior of parents in the first stages of a child’s development that shapes his “I.” The transmission of norms and values ​​in an incomplete or complete, but one-child family contributes to the development of such qualities in the child as egocentrism and an uncritical attitude towards oneself.

   Modern families are characterized by high levels of conflict between married couples. The individual’s focus on personal success and achievements other than the family, the destruction of the mutual intra-family roles of husbands and wives, parents and children, and many other reasons do not contribute to the strengthening of the family; its value is rapidly falling.

   Life cycle of families in the 19th century. was complete, since marriages were Christian and were originally committed for life. They didn’t break up not because it was difficult, but because it wasn’t necessary. For many, the ideal of complete happiness was inseparable from the ideal of family, because it was one single whole. And a multi-generational family with many children provided a connection between the departing and the newly emerging: “to live in the family the way fathers and grandfathers were accustomed to live” and pass on to the children all the best - the principles, views, traditions, faith of their ancestors.

   Thus, the family crisis directly affects the future generation. Most of them do not receive enough love, parental care and do not see worthy examples in their parents, therefore, the upbringing of children can be called flawed.

   In the St. Petersburg studio of the SOYUZ TV channel, the dean of the faculty of psychology of the Russian Orthodox University and the clergyman of the Church of Cosmas and Damian in Shubin (Moscow), priest Peter Kolomeytsev, answered questions from viewers.

   – Christ is Risen, dear brothers and sisters, dear TV viewers. The topic of our program today: “Orthodox education of a teenager.”

   Our guest is Father Peter Kolomeitsev, a Christian psychologist in the field of special psychology, dean of the psychological faculty of the Moscow Orthodox Institute named after the Apostle John the Theologian, confessor of rehabilitation centers for seriously ill children and orphans, cleric of the Church of Saints Cosmas and Damian in Moscow.

   Father Peter, thank you that, despite a very busy day, you were able to come to us in the evening. Bless our conversation.

   - Christ is Risen!

   – Our topic is devoted to the Orthodox upbringing of a teenager, that is, the period when the child is no longer small, has graduated from primary school, and is rather closer to high school students. When raising a child of this age, parents face a number of problems. While preparing for today's program, I read a forum where parents write about these problems, and I got the feeling that the main problem of an Orthodox family with a teenager is that the child no longer wants to go to church. In your opinion, is reluctance to go to church really a problem, and the biggest one?

   – In general, there are actually more problems. This is only an external expression of the problem. There is a famous saying that every person has three stages in life. One - when he believed in Father Frost, another - when he did not believe in him, and the third - when he himself became Father Frost.

   In fact, a teenager inevitably partes with his childhood faith, with the form in which it was clothed, with those ideas, but his adult faith has not yet been formed. Archpriest Vasily Zenkovsky writes that there is even a period of “spontaneous teenage atheism.” And this must be treated very carefully, because it is impossible to return the child back to the mother’s womb, it is impossible to return it to childhood, we must work with changes in his ideas about the world. These ideas must somehow change, and faith must deepen.

   In the class where my daughter studied and where I taught the Law of God, there was such a case. One boy said: “I don’t believe in God,” and the school was Orthodox-oriented. And I asked him:

   - Which one?

   - What do you mean which one?

   – What is He, Your God, in Whom you do not believe?

   And the boy began to tell that this god is such and such. To which I replied:

   - Well, you and I are like-minded people. “I don’t believe in such a god either,” and extended his hand.

   He says:

   – What god do you believe in?

   – This is what we will do in class and try to talk about what God really is like.

   First of all, this very important restructuring is taking place. Secondly, the child begins to gradually develop his independence, because adolescence is a very important period, a period of a kind of second birth. When a child comes out of the mother’s womb, the umbilical cord comes off, he is still emotionally and mentally very attached to his parents, he almost shouts: “Mom!” It is clear that he cannot live long in this state, otherwise he will not become an independent person, he will not create his own family.

   And so this separation from parents occurs, and new relationships with parents are formed, relationships that are already based on respect, on recognition of the authority of parents, on a sense of the value of what they transmit, that is, involvement in some roots, history, clan. It is very important. Because sometimes parents try to somehow return the child to the mother’s womb. This is impossible. We must understand that the child must be given reasons for authority, it must be earned, it must be told how he is connected through his parents with the clan, tribe, Fatherland, etc. That is, a completely different unity is being formed. And parents sometimes think: why, before the child shouted “mom, dad,” but now he doesn’t, which means he has stopped loving. No, we should be glad that another, more conscious period in his life is coming.

   As for spontaneous atheism, as the same Archpriest Vasily Zenkovsky says, it is very important that parents not so much preach and talk about faith as testify with their lives. It is very important how exactly this faith is translated into their lives: how they live, act, think in accordance with their faith. There are indeed very serious questions here. Because children, especially teenagers, are very sensitive to falsehood. And if parents say one thing and do something completely different, if faith for them turns out to be something external, a façade, then this is the worst thing they can demonstrate to their child. Because a teenager must understand that faith is what is the core, the support in his life.

   – Before the program, a question came from one of the priests, to whom the teenager told in confession that he felt: in church his parents pray, are baptized, take communion, but at home, where other Orthodox Christians do not see them, they behave completely differently. He feels this contradiction and is horrified by what is happening. Can you give some advice to Father?

   – We must speak seriously here. Firstly, you should not say: “Yes, your parents are Pharisees” or, conversely: “No, you don’t understand anything, you’re slandering them.” Answers like these won't help.

   You can say this: “It’s good for you: you live in an environment where faith is not prohibited, churches are open, where you won’t be kicked out of work for professing your faith, where you won’t be expelled from the institute, where you won’t be imprisoned for religious activity. Therefore, conditions have now been created where faith is not shared with your life. But there was another time in which your parents lived and were raised, when open confession of one’s faith could cost many people their careers, etc.

   Therefore, the habit has subconsciously taken hold that there are very small spaces where you can show your faith. And, most likely, the parents were raised at that time, and we can say that they still do not have enough strength to remain in this state all the time. For them, coming to church is a holiday where they can not worry, show their faith and feel simple and free. But at work and even in everyday life this is not yet the case. And in this sense it’s easier for you: you live in a different time.”

   “It turns out that he needs to find the strength to continue to love his parents and, as in the Old Testament story of Noah, to cover for his parent.

   – It is clear that we treat our parents without criticism, like the weather, that is, we try to understand them. And first of all, we must understand that our parents grew up in a different time. I remember that my mother was very worried that I was fasting, that at the institute they would see that I was fasting. Now she freely goes to church, and she doesn’t have such thoughts, but then, as she says, she trembled every day: what would happen, and if they expelled from the institute, etc. Because she was accustomed to, let’s say, secrecy and believed that I neglected secrecy and often opened up and spoke freely. And she was afraid: you’ll come to an agreement somewhere.

   – Looking through social networks and what teenagers are talking about, I got the impression that now are times when it is not very fashionable for a teenager, high school student or first-year student to be Orthodox among their peers. If you are an Orthodox Christian and go to church, you may even be ridiculed. In a sense, times are repeating themselves. How can a young person maintain faith in an environment that has a negative attitude toward it?

   – By the way, this test of public opinion in an era when nothing is prohibited can be even more difficult. Because in times of persecution, people might not share your views, but they respected them. Let's say, a person with religious views - a Christian, a Jew, a Muslim - aroused respect because this person went against society, against the system. In this sense, he even received internal respect, which could well be perceived as support for such a position.

   Of course, the most serious test of faith comes in an era when everything is permitted. And we see that many do not pass this test of freedom. They cannot stand it in Europe either, in those countries where faith has never been prohibited and there has never been persecution for faith. The former socialist countries of Eastern (or Central) Europe and the former Soviet Union are also coming to this conclusion. This is the time when faith directly confronts the spirit of this age. That is, this is a test that goes against the atheism and anti-clericalism that the enemy of the human race sows.

   Of course, other mechanisms are at work there as well. Any person who opposes himself to the Church most often does this because he does not want to work on himself, on changing himself: to repent, to fast, he does not want any spiritual work. And the best excuse is the same as Satan’s: everyone is like that, people are doing nonsense. It’s not me who is bad in anything, it’s not me who needs to repent and improve, no, everything is fine with me: everyone lives like that, and I live like that. People just do stupid things, and I find it funny that they do it. This is what Christ meant when he said, “You will be persecuted.” Because if everyone lives like this, and suddenly there is one righteous person who doesn’t live like that, he will already irritate everyone. What about everything if one is no longer there? And the irritation will be very strong. Therefore, Christ says that he brought love, but he also did not bring peace, but, it turns out, a sword that divides even relatives. Precisely because sin will never agree that holiness is the norm.

   Therefore, we need to tell the teenager that to be yourself, to be different from everyone else, this also requires courage. And that this may be no less serious confession. When everyone's attitude is negative, without judging others, nevertheless maintain your own. And here you must not doubt, but still believe and trust, trust yourself and the voice that is within you. And following everyone’s lead and being like everyone else doesn’t require much courage, this is just the simplest path. Therefore, we must prepare for the fact that it is difficult, difficult, condemned, and someone may even turn away. At the same time, do not fall into condemnation of other people, any demonstration of your faith, proud opposition of yourself. That is, this path is not easy and very subtle.

   – Is a person responsible for turning someone away from the Church and God through his behavior?

   “The Lord said that whoever seduces one of these little ones would better have a millstone hung around his neck and drowned.” After all, this is treacherous - it breaks the faith of other people. When people tempt others with their behavior, especially if they belong to the Church and especially if they belong to the clergy, then the condemnation because of your ugly actions passes on to the entire Church. The Apostle Paul once said that for him, sacrifice to idols is nothing, because an idol is nothing. And yet he said that it would be better to never eat any meat at all, just so as not to tempt someone. This is so important and serious. And, of course, all churchgoers and especially clergy especially feel this attentive, close gaze and condemnation.

   But those who want to find fault, want to condemn, will continue to condemn, you won’t please them here. And if we are talking about a person who is just looking for his path, then, of course, it is very important that there be sincerity. So that a person can see that Christians not only can make mistakes, but that they can repent, ask for forgiveness, that they can worry about the fact that something doesn’t work out for them, and that this is the normal way of a Christian - to get up and fall, fall and get up.

   – If a young man understands that in the Church, in the temple, the priest does not behave as he expected, how can he overcome this temptation?

   – I really liked how one priest answered, to whom residents from a neighboring village came:

   “Why did you come to me to baptize your child? You have your own temple, your own priest.” - “Well, father, you know about this temple and this priest what everyone knows about him?” - “What are you up to? How many sins does he forgive you for, why can’t you pray for him? Come to him and take his blessing to gather in church every week in the evening and pray with the akathist “Inexhaustible Chalice” for his health.”

   Then I asked how the story ended. People went and took the priest’s blessing. At first he simply gave them the key, they came and read the akathist. Then he began to come in and watch them read the akathist about him. And then he was sincerely grateful to them for begging him off.

   In this case, people felt that the priest was responsible for them, but they never prayed for him. Have you at least once remembered your, one might say, spiritual mentor during morning or evening prayer? Not even once. It was they who abandoned him to his fate. So this is a real case.

   – By the way, it allows us to look at some of our problems from a different angle. The transfer time flies by, more than half of our conversation has already passed. Can you ask for an educational program for parents whose child is already a teenager, a future student, and tell them what they shouldn’t do? Let's say five things that should not be done with a teenager if we want to preserve his mental health.

   – Firstly, you cannot disrespect a teenager, show disrespect, neglect, or arrogance towards him: who are you? yes you are nobody. It is impossible not to listen to his opinion, not to respect him, not to try to somehow come to an agreement. You cannot lead an ambiguous life, that is, say one thing, but in reality broadcast another - this is truly disorienting. You can't humiliate.

   It seems to me that it is very important not to identify a teenager with the bad situations in which he finds himself. That is, you cannot label him: you are a bad person, you are a scoundrel, you do bad things. And, for example, say this: you are doing bad things, you have not yet been able to overcome some things, but you will overcome it. You cannot undermine a teenager’s faith in his original righteousness, because he is created in the image and likeness of God, and assume that everyone is intended by God to be good, and he is intended to be bad.

   You can’t undermine your faith in God’s love when your parents constantly say: God will punish you, etc. God loves you: He was crucified for you, He gave his life for you - this is the most important thing. And most of all, God wants your happiness, wants you to be saved, so that you realize the gifts that He gave you, so that bad things don’t happen to you. I think this is the most important thing.

   – If, nevertheless, situations occur when contact with a daughter or son is disrupted, who, for example, went to study in another city and behaves there completely differently from how he was raised all these years. How can parents find strength?

   Remember that sometimes a person has his own special path. One mother prayed for thirty years for her son, who led a sinful life and had extramarital affairs. In the end, she somehow begged him off. He wrote the book “Confessions”, he became a saint - this is St. Augustine. And she was canonized because she never stopped praying for him. Her example is also very illustrative.

   The most important thing is for the child to know that in any situation, no matter what happens to him, parental love and God’s love are irrevocable, they are with him. And even when he finds himself in a completely bad situation, his parents still stay with him and continue to love him. And God continues to love him. And yet they believe in him.

   – You need to believe in your child to the last.

   – And also to love, and to love without conditions. And then it happens: I love you if you do this, but if that, then I don’t love you. There is such a very strange question: “Why should I love you?” They love so much for no reason, but they love in spite of everything. Why does the Lord love us? Yes, it seems like there’s nothing special about it. But He loves.

   – People are also concerned about the issue of punishment: what other measures of influence could there be, besides talking?

   – It’s interesting that the word “punishment” itself means “teaching.” At the beginning of the school year, we pray “for the good discipline of the youths.” It’s not about them being punished well, but about them learning good things. That is, punishment is, first of all, teaching. Therefore, it seems to me that there should be some kind of conclusion in the punishment - how to avoid ending up in such a situation, how to get out of it with dignity. This is the first.

   Secondly, it seems to me that the main thing is not punishment, but help. The situation is ugly, but parents are still ready to help the child and untangle even the complex, tangled knots of life.

   – It turns out that punishments in the Soviet understanding of the word – a belt, a corner – are unacceptable?

   – There was an absolutely wonderful man, whom his parents raised very strictly: they put him under the icons in a corner on peas, they used methods of bodily influence on him. The man grew up to be a very good man indeed, an exceptionally intelligent and highly moral person. Yes, he knew the entire Book of Hours by heart and could read the Six Psalms in the temple without a book. He had a very good attitude towards faith, but he chose a distant path for himself and did not even take communion on his deathbed. This is Anton Pavlovich Chekhov.

   Although, when we read his stories, for example the story “Student”, we see what a deep attitude he has towards faith. He renovated the church on his estate at his own expense. He still had some kind of internal relationship with God, but his external churchliness was poisoned by the upbringing he received in childhood. For him it was one big trauma.

   – How can a parent understand that he is not educating, but traumatizing a child?

   “I remember once a priest, who had many children, shouted something very loudly at one of his children, and his mother shouted to him from the kitchen: “Father of the name, your children will be atheists!”

   And it somehow made him think.

   How does the Lord act in the Gospel? Does He stamp His feet, does He throw a stone at the sinner who was brought to Him? We see that the Lord is extremely delicate, He is very careful. Of course, he shouts at the Pharisees, at the money changers in the temple. It happens that He raises His voice against those who consider themselves as servants of the temple, but turn it into a den of robbers.

   The Lord says: “Woe to you, Pharisees,” but “woe to you, sinners, woe to you, fornicators,” etc. never speaks. He says that he came not to the righteous, but to sinners, like a doctor to the sick.

   – That is, parents should always hope for the mercy of God, that the Lord will not abandon a person in the matter of growing up?

   – Yes, and always feel that you can either help, or, conversely, hinder, turn away.

   – A question from an adult woman, whose son, unfortunately, died from drug addiction, and she feels guilty before her already deceased son, that she could not protect him, save him. What should parents do?

   – Of course, it must be said that sometimes responsibility presupposes not only our desire for good, but also some knowledge. Today Christian psychology gives us a lot, including in working with addictions and in many other situations. The Nikeya publishing house publishes wonderful books, for example, “The Soul of Your Teenager”, “Independence” - about how to live free from addiction, and many other valuable books that give us knowledge on how to work with this or that illness and how not to make certain mistakes, that is, where all this comes from.

   Therefore, it seems to me that responsibility also implies some kind of competence. We are not saying that a person who knows nothing about faith will go and become a catechist, but we believe that first he must learn something, take some courses and then become a catechist. And these issues are vitally important, and here, more than anywhere else, it is important to be competent.

   – If on issues of addiction, then Valentina Dmitrievna Moskalenko published very good books: “Return to Life” and “When There is Too Much Love.” Book by Pyotr Dmitrievsky “The Path to Independence.” The book “There is a Way Out” is dedicated to the complex problem when a child can become confused about his gender identity. There are many good books. It seems to me that the Nikeya publishing house selects authors very well, and these books really address the most pressing issues.

   In general, I must say, it’s very difficult with books on psychology. This is such an avalanche that if you go to a bookstore, there will be simply an abyss of books on psychology, an abyss of psychological schools, directions, even those that confront each other. So, of course, my head is spinning. But it seems to me that in this sense, Christian psychologists successfully combine both faith and a certain, unblurred moral position and, in addition, combine this with a scientific view and everything positive that scientific psychology has accumulated.

   – That is, we can tell the audience that the general direction is to search for your books and books from the Nikeya publishing house, which raise various complex issues and are written by Orthodox psychologists. This is important because broadcast time is limited, and when the topic is interesting, people continue to be interested and ask questions.

   And specific questions. What to do if parents feel that their child is addicted to the computer?

   – This is a serious problem and, I must say, largely underestimated. There is footage of a child who was deprived of a computer. His eyes are just burning, his hands are shaking, there is a complete feeling that he is a drug addict during withdrawal, that is, this is really a very strong addiction. The father of one girl, so that she could prepare for the Unified State Exam and admission to a university, took the system unit and monitor from the room, after some time he heard her scream, she stood on the railing of the balcony and said that she was counting to five. If the system unit and monitor are not returned to her, she will jump down from the tenth floor.

   That is, this dependence turns out to be so strong that it is very difficult to get rid of it. And here, firstly, we must prevent the formation of this dependence, and if it has already been formed, then, as we always do when working with dependencies, we must replace it with something positive. You can’t just take it away and that’s it. The seven worst demons come to a clean, swept place. It is necessary to give a strategy in life that would supplant this dependence and somehow help a person stay afloat.

   It is clear that it cannot be brought to a state where the child completely loses contact with his parents. He should feel respect for himself as an individual, love for himself as a person and a willingness to help him, that in any case he does not remain alone, and his parents are people who are for him in any situation. Then there will be no desire to completely go into this virtual world. Because computer addiction is such a complex enemy: here you create your own, parallel life, and your own, parallel, communication, in general, as it were, everything that is your own. It turns out that a person simply does not need the real world. And for this we need to help him cope with the problems that exist in this real world. Help you find helpful friends in this real world, so as not to go into the virtual world.

   – This is universal advice not only for preventing computer addiction, but in general for raising a happy child.

   Unfortunately, we have just over a minute left. Perhaps during these Easter days you will give a short message to parents?

   – The best parting word, which John the Theologian always repeated: love one another. You really must love and respect your children very much. If there is love, then everything else will work out. Because in matters of love there is no law, no rules. And the fact that we do this and that means that we love. We love, which means we will do everything else right. Therefore, I want to thank all television viewers and congratulate them on these Easter days. Christ is Risen!

   - He is truly risen! Father Peter, thank you for the conversation. And a final point for our viewers: if you are interested in the topic of teenage education, look for books by Father Pyotr Kolomeitsev, books from the Nikeya publishing house, where you can read about how to establish relationships with your children.

   Presenter Anton Pepelyaev

   Today we in the Church are making great efforts to keep our children in Orthodoxy. In many cases they show no interest in this. Can we somehow encourage our children to joyfully fulfill the commandments and be Orthodox Christians? I think there is such a way. It requires dedication and hard work.

   My mother died when I was eight, and when I was ten my father remarried. One summer evening when I was about fourteen, I sat on the steps outside our house and thought about how much I missed my mother. That evening I decided that my deepest desire was to have a strong marriage and family. I put it above education, above a successful career, and above my position in society.

   My wife Marilyn and I dedicated our lives to Christ while attending the University of Minnesota. One day, Dr. Bob Smith, a professor at Bethel College in St. Paul, was giving a lecture on the topic of marriage and family. Somehow during the performance, he drew an image that was indelibly imprinted in my memory. He said: “One day I will stand at the judgment seat of Christ as a father and my goal is for my wife and children to stand next to me and say: “Lord, we are all here. Here’s Mary, here’s Steve, here’s Johnny, everything’s in place.” That night I prayed, “Lord, this is what I want when I get married and have children, so that we can all enter Your Eternal Kingdom together.”

   Throughout college, seminary, and forty-five years of family life, my determination to have a large family and bring them with me into the Eternal Kingdom never wavered. My wife and I maintained a healthy marriage and always strived to be godly parents and later grandparents. I would like to highlight five things that Marilyn and I tried to do and which, by God's grace, we did most successfully on the path of building a family in Christ and His Church.

   1. Give priority to your family.

   The most important thing after the Kingdom of God is our family. It seems to me that if we want to grow Orthodox Christian families, our spouses and children should come first to us after Christ and His Church.

   For a believer, our path in Christ and His Church always comes first. In this regard, the Holy Scriptures, the Holy Fathers, and the Liturgy speak unequivocally. At least four times during the Sunday Liturgy we commemorate with all the saints, saying: “to ourselves, and to each other, and our whole belly Let us surrender to Christ God.” Our relationship with God comes first, our commitment to family comes second, and our passion for our work comes third.

   As parents, we must make the strictest commitment that before work, before social life, before all other activities that will compete for the use of our time, we must give priority to family.

   Early in my married life, I worked at Campus Crusade for Christ**. I then worked for three years at the University of Memphis, and then eleven years at Thomas Nelson Publishers in Nashville. And at each of these stages, the struggle for balance between work and family was raging. I would like to testify that winning this fight is easy, but it is not. I cannot tell you how many of my Christian friends and acquaintances were left without their families because, by their own admission, their careers came first. These were moms and dads who were always away from home, and their work consumed them.

   

   All my jobs over the years have involved travel, when I worked at Campus Crusade in the 60s, at Thomas Nelson in the 70s and 80s, and today at the Orthodox Archdiocese of Antioch. I'm on the road almost half of my time. When airlines started offering rewards flights for frequent flyers a few years ago, I thought, “Wait a minute, this is the way to go. I will take my children with me."

   Thus, while working at the publishing house, I sometimes began to take one of my children with me on trips. During a trip to the eastern United States, I took one of my daughters with me, in New York we rented a car and drove towards Harrisburg in Pennsylvania. It seems to me that the two of us have never communicated as much as we did during this trip. Another time I had to drive all night from Chicago to Atlanta, and I took my son Greg with me. As we drove out of town, where there were no city lights, he remarked that he had never seen a star so clearly in his life. That night he and I talked about God's creation. As adults, most of our six children said: “Dad, some of the best moments of our lives were our trips with you.”

   If you are very busy, find time to make up for it. I made appointments with my children. If you are short on time and don't make time for your children, you will lose them. If you get a call from someone who needs to meet with you, you say, “Listen, Joe, I have a meeting. We can meet tomorrow". You decide give preference to family.

   2. Tell your children about God's love

   In Deuteronomy 4, Moses tells the children of Israel the importance of obeying the Lord's decrees. And then he turns directly to his parents and grandparents. “Just beware and carefully guard your soul, so that you do not forget those deeds that your eyes have seen, and so that they do not leave your heart all the days of your life; And you shall tell them to your sons and to your sons’ sons” (Deuteronomy 4:9).

   Perhaps you are one of those parents who came to Christ late in life and did not work spiritually with your children as well as you should. Well, now is your chance to try with your grandchildren. This opportunity does not mean that you will become a parent to your grandchildren. But you can always tell your grandchildren what the Lord has done for you, as Moses said. Talk to them. If you grew closer to Christ later in life, tell your grandchildren about it. Tell us what lessons you learned. Share real-life experiences that demonstrate God's love and mercy toward you.

   Moses continues to explain the importance of such conversations by recalling how the Lord told him: “I will make My words known to them, by which they will learn to fear Me all the days they live on the earth and will teach their sons” (Deuteronomy 4:10). Children who have been taught the Word of the Lord correctly will teach their children.

   How did we teach our children? Before I answer, I would like to say that it is possible to overdo it in this matter. You can't drill Christianity into your family's heads. If you are fanatical, you may be tempted to put pressure on them until they rebel. I met several people in the seminary who were there not of their own free will or by God's calling, but rather to please their parents. And it's scary.

   The most important thing we tried to do as a family was to go to Sunday worship. Even through the difficulties of adolescence, there was never a question of what we would do on Sunday morning. I was not yet a priest when the older children were in their teens, but despite this, the whole family went to church on Sunday morning. And if we traveled, we went to the temple, wherever we found ourselves.

   I knew that if I cut my own children some slack, they would cut theirs free. If you make concessions, they will make even more concessions. Therefore, this issue was never in doubt. Thank God, all of our six children are Orthodox, with Orthodox spouses, and all of our 17 grandchildren are Orthodox. And every Sunday morning they are in church.

   Now the Orthodox have more services than . What did we do? We were always on Saturday at the all-night vigil, at the Sunday liturgy, and at the main holiday services. Was it merciful? Undoubtedly. Would I really not let them go to a school function or a big football game on Saturday night? Of course this is not true. We just didn't want them to stay out so late that it might prevent them from participating in Sunday morning worship. On holidays, if they had a test the next day, did I force them to go to church? Of course not. I tried to adhere to the principle that Christ and the Church should come first, but not to force it. There was discipline, but there was also mercy.

   We tried to maintain the same spirit at home prayer. When the children were little, we read Bible stories to them every night. We all prayed together. We always did this, and when they were older, we taught them to say their own prayers in the evenings.

   When we became Orthodox, we studied the church calendar. During the time of Rozhdestvensky and Lent, biblical passages from the Old and New Testaments appeared in the Lexicon magazine. During Christmas and Great Lent we read these passages every evening at the common table. If I was on the road, I would ask someone to read. Thus, our family observed spiritual fasting, which is prescribed by the Church during these two periods. If I was at home, I read and commented on passages. We discussed how the passage could be applied to our lives and how it related to Christmas and Lent.

   The rest of the year, I usually blessed the food and then often the dinner conversation would be about Christ. If the children had questions, I opened the Scriptures with them. Thus, we found that the rhythm of the church year brought peace of mind.

   3. Love your spouses.

   Third, and I can't help but stress this, we are very supportive of our children when we love our spouses. Psychologists say that it is more important for children not so much to feel their parents’ love for themselves, but to know that dad and mom love each other. Children instinctively feel that if there is no more love in a marriage, then a little of it remains for them.

   A beautiful passage from Ephesians describes such love. This is the passage that is read as the Apostolic Epistle at an Orthodox wedding. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church” (v. 25). This means, gentlemen, that we love her so much that we could die for her. We sacrifice ourselves for each other. This is what the crowns at the ceremony indicate. I love my wife more than I love my life. Crowns also indicate royal dignity. In my instructions at the wedding of my youngest son, I said: “Peter, treat her like a queen!” Christina, treat him like a king." This arrangement works great.

   I also think we never stop caring for each other. Marilyn and I still go on dates, and we've been married for forty-five years! Sometimes you just need to relax, go somewhere together, talk and listen to each other and continue to be in love. Before, I asked a friend of mine who had a great relationship with his wife. I asked him what the secret was. He replied, “Try to find out what she likes and do it.” Marilyn loves shopping. At the beginning of our life together, we couldn’t afford anything, so we went and looked at windows after the shops had already closed.

   Now, when I have a free day, I ask her: “What would you like to do, dear?”

   She usually answers: “Let's go shopping.”

   I put on a sports jacket and we drive downtown, I hold her hand while we window shop and I buy something as a gift for the grandchildren. Grow in your love, and never stop caring for each other.

   

   4. Never punish in anger

   There are times when things go poorly, even very badly. I would really like to tell you that none of our six children have ever been given a hard time. Or that mom or dad were absolutely infallible. I don't know a family where this happens. I would say that, comparatively speaking, three of our children were relatively easy to raise and three were more difficult. If one of them became stubborn in their teens, I would say to Marilyn, “Remember what we were like at that age? They are no different from us." I was, and some of it showed in our children.

   St. John the Theologian said: “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in the truth” (3 John 4). And vice versa. There is no greater heartache than when your children do not walk in the truth. We had some big troubles in the family. There were nights when my wife and I cried into our pillows trying to sleep. We said, “Lord, is there light at the end of this tunnel?”

   As a young parent, I remembered one of the lines of the Old Testament from the Book of Proverbs of Solomon: “Train a young man in the beginning of his way; he will not turn away from it when he is old.” I assure you this promise from God is true. There were times when I doubted that our family would stand before the Lord in its entirety. I thank God for repentance and forgiveness, correction and His mercy.

   Immediately after St. Apostle Paul's instruction on marriage in the Epistle to the Ephesians, he continues his teaching on the topic of the relationship between parents and children. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is what justice requires. “Honor your father and mother” is the first commandment with the promise: “that it may go well with you, and that you may live long on the earth” (6 Eph 1-3). This is another sure promise. If a child obeys his parents, he will live a long life. That's why we teach them obedience.

   It can be helpful to sit down with your children from time to time and remind them why . Because if children don't learn to obey their parents, they won't learn to obey the Lord. And the consequences of this are terrible, both in this and in the future life. Therefore, one of the reasons why we obey our dads and moms is that in this way we fulfill the Lord's commandments.

   The next line shows us the other side of the coin: “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and admonition of the Lord” (6Eph4). I don’t remember where I got this idea (and I rarely invent them myself), but when I had to make comments to our daughters, I took them by the hand. When I was still a young father, I used to sit them on a chair and sit opposite them. But one day I told myself that this did not convey what I wanted to tell them. So I began to sit down with them on the sofa, took them by the hand, and, looking into their eyes, told them what I wanted from them.

   When my daughters became adults, two of them, without saying a word, thanked me for holding their hand when I made comments to them. They both had friends whose fathers caused them great embarrassment with their perhaps too harsh manner of punishment. I urge fathers to beware of disciplining their children in a way that can create anger in them. After any edification, hug them and show them that you love them.

   At times the father needs to refrain from punishing him because he himself is angry. Remember the line from The Incredible Hulk? "You may not like me when I'm angry." If this is true for a cartoon character, how much more true is it for a real-life father?

   5. Help your children discern God's will.

   Let's look again at the Book of Proverbs of Solomon: “Train up a young man when he begins his way; he will not turn away from it when he is old.” The phrase “he will not turn away from it when he is old” does not imply the path that you have determined for him. This is the path that the Lord determined for him. In other words, taking into account the child's gifts, his emotional makeup, his personality, his intellect, his calling, you must help him recognize the path that the Lord has determined for him.

   I am very glad that Peter John is a seminarian and Wendy's husband is an Orthodox deacon. But that doesn't mean I'm any more happy for them than I am for Greg, who works in marketing, or for Terri, a mother of five, or for Ginger and Heidi, who work to help their husbands provide for their sons.

   I repeat that our job as parents is to help our children determine what the Lord expects of them and then train them in that direction. Whatever their calling, business or law, sales or service to the Church, I want them to do their best in their work, for the Glory of God. And by the way, each of us is in the service of Christ according to the covenant of our Holy Baptism. Whether lay or clergy, we are all assigned to serve Him. Therefore, whatever we do, we strive to do it for the Glory of God.

   These are the steps we tried to take in relation to our children. Thank God, these efforts have brought worthy results. At this stage of life, when there are only two of us left at home, it is pleasant to mentally return to the past years and thank the Lord for children, spouses, and grandchildren who are faithful members of the Church. There's nothing better than this.

   This does not mean that there will never be any problems again. I am, of course, naive, but not so naive as to believe it. Troubles can happen in our lives. But as we say at weddings: “they lay the foundations of houses.” Our years are not a time to rest on our laurels, but a time of prayers of gratitude.

   May the Lord give you the joy of raising your family in Christ, as we experienced it while raising our children.

   Father Peter E. Gillquist - Director of the Department of Missionary and Evangelism of the Antiochian Orthodox Metropolis in North America, publisherConciliar Press. He and his wife Marilyn live in Santa Barbara, California.

   *(Bethel College) Christian college in Minnesota.

   ** Campus Crusade for Christ - American Christian transnational mission

   The article was first published in AGAIN magazine, issue 4, summer 2004. Translation from English by Marina Leontyeva, especially for “Orthodoxy and Peace”