What do they write in condolences? How to express condolences: to relatives, friends, family, mother

Condolences. How to sincerely express condolences to the relatives of the deceased? Short words of grief over death and support in difficult times. "My condolences…"

Words of grief and support in difficult times

Sincere words of sorrow and sensitive behavior express a willingness to share grief, support a neighbor with their presence or shared memory of the deceased. What is even more important is action participation, willingness to help, give your time and effort to a friend or friend at a time when he is vulnerable, depressed and needs participation. It’s good if you can guess what exactly it is: material assistance, organizational, physical. Maybe you need a ride or shelter for someone for a couple of days. Offer your services For example:

• How can I help you these days?
• If/when you need anything, contact me right away!
• A lot has fallen on you right now. What can I do for you?
• I think you might need some help. I would like to participate.

My condolences…

How to find the right words of grief? If you know the relatives of the deceased closely, then it is better to think of a more personal, personal sympathetic phrase. While thinking through words of condolences, we recommend that you look. Each obituary ends with words of condolences from the celebrity's family and friends. We have given some words of condolences to celebrities at the end of this article. The website “Making Monuments.ru” provides 100 specific examples words of sorrow on the occasion of death.

Accept my condolences!

Delicacy and sincerity- this is what you need to remember when pronouncing words of sympathy. In grief, the feeling of sincerity and falsehood intensifies. Feel free to select in advance, and Housesrepeatedlyaloudtalk phrase of condolences. This will allow the right moment not to think about the wording and concentrate on the person and circumstances. Don't be shy about your feelings. If you want to hug a friend, touch her shoulder or hug her; shake a friend’s hand – shake it. A tear rolls down - don’t turn away, but brush it away. Take a bag of clean napkins with you - they may be useful to you or someone present.

Death is the final reconciliation... If you harbor a grudge against the deceased, find strength in yourself forgive. Having cleansed your soul and thoughts of negativity, words of sympathy will sound from the heart, sincerely! If you had a conflict with the deceased, then sincere regret, an apology, and a request for forgiveness will be in order.

Examples of short verbal condolences

Format verbal condolences depends on the context. In a close circle, you can allow soulful. But at a funeral or, during a farewell to the body or during a funeral service, only short sayings. Many more invitees must express their condolences.

• [Name] was a man of great soul. We sincerely sympathize with you!
• Be strong!/(Be strong, friend)!
• He was a bright/kind/powerful/talented person. An example for all of us. We will always remember!
• I loved him/(her)/[Name]. My condolences!
• How much good she did for her neighbors! How she was loved and appreciated during her lifetime! With her passing, we lost a piece of ourselves. We really feel for you!
• This is a tragedy: we are in great pain at this hour. But it’s hardest for you! If we can help you with anything, please contact us immediately!
• He has meant/done/helped me a lot in my life. I mourn with you!
• He left so much of his soul in all of us! It's forever as long as we're alive!
• Our entire family sympathizes with your grief. Our condolences... Be strong!
• His role in my life is huge! How small those disagreements were, and the goodness and deeds that he did for me, I will never forget. My condolences to you!
• What a loss! Man of God! I pray for him, I pray for all of you!
• What a pity that I didn’t have time to tell him “I’m sorry!” He opened a new world for me, and I will always remember it! My sincere condolences!

Religious Condolence

Is it right to express condolences using religious rhetoric? When is it appropriate and when is it not appropriate to refer to quotations from holy books? How should you use the words of prayers if you express your condolences to a person of a different faith or an atheist?

• If both the sympathizer and the mourner are atheists or agnostics, then there is no point in resorting to religious rhetoric. Ideas for short phrases of sympathy can be gleaned from the section.
• If a man, someone who has lost a loved one is a believer, but you are not, then briefly addressing the topic of a better life in another world will be correct, but the use of church language will seem false. Ideas for phrases can be found in the section.
• On the contrary, when the person grieving is an atheist or agnostic, and you are a believer, then an appeal on your part to or to the dogmas of your religion will look like a sincere form of sympathy. Only the measure is important.
• If you and the bereaved person - both fellow believers, then turning to common sources, general and observance of canonical rites of remembrance are appropriate.

• Even if the grieving person is himself a lover of rhyme, still the moment of condolences is not the right time for your own poetry.
• Poetic text in the context of condolences is devalued and can be perceived as verbal exercises during grief.
• If it’s popular, then it’s already exotic, but condolence poems- this is the risk of being misunderstood.

Condolences via SMS? No.

• The message may arrive at the wrong time.
• Even if your condolences are terse, the very image of the SMS channel suggests the transmission of facts, not feelings.
• If you send condolences via SMS, then you have a phone in your hand. — Was it difficult to call? - this is what a person who has suffered a loss will think about.
• If you do not meet in person in the coming days, then express your condolences by phone or email.

What should you not say when expressing condolences?

• Comfort with the prospect. Pain is here and now, and against its background, turning to the future means either showing your tactlessness, or hurting a loved one, or, at the very least, being unheard or misunderstood. Inappropriate words: “Everything will be fine...”, “Don’t worry, you’ll get married in a couple of years”, “Everything will pass, and this is pain too”, “Time heals...”, “Nothing, you’re young, you’ll give birth again”, “I wish you faster survive the grief...
• Demonstrate positive circumstances associated with the loss. Examples of tactless phrases: “Be strong, friend! After all, it can also happen (so/worse/more terrible...)”, “With such torment, death is a relief”, “It’s good that at least (something worse) didn’t happen”, “The child will have his own room”, “You the opportunity arises (to do something).”
• Point out the culprit, “find the last one”. For example, “God gave - God took”, “If you... (went to the doctor), would not have let him go, listened to the advice...”, “Such doctors should be put on trial,” “Given his lifestyle, it is not surprising.”
• Don’t ask how and under what circumstances it happened. This is not the time or place to ask for details.
• You shouldn't at this moment talk about any topic not related to the experience. Neither about work, nor about mutual acquaintances, nor on any extraneous topics.
• Don't appeal to your experience, even if you have experienced a similar grief. “Girlfriend, I know how hard it is for you, I also lost...”, even if said sincerely, at the moment of grief it can be perceived inadequately.
• Intrusive or banal advice, like “You must live for the sake of...”, “You need to calm down, wait out the time”, etc. - all this is stupid and unnecessary in moments of grief.

It’s impossible not to list all the “impossible” ones. Use common sense, a sense of proportion, be sincere and sympathetic. Be short and concise. Remember that sometimes it is better to remain silent and abstain than to talk idle talk or be tactless.

How to write a letter of condolence

It is not always possible to express condolences in person, and then in the very first days after death a letter of sympathy should be sent.

Written condolences on a postcard appropriate as an addition to a discreet funeral bouquet (red, white colors) or together with some amount of money, if it is, say, a benefit or just financial assistance from an enterprise. Design matters: you can’t write condolences on a bright holiday or greeting card. Use special ones, or take a completely neutral card with a restrained design.

Email condolences it should also be concise, sincere, but restrained. The title should already contain words of condolences. So, it is incorrect to indicate “Condolences on the death of so-and-so” in the subject line of the letter, but the correct one would be: “[Name], my condolences on the death of your father/(mother).” Before you press the “send” button, read the condolences through the eyes of a grieving person. It should be short, to the point, without fluff or tactlessness. Below are examples of written condolences.

Examples of written condolences

Sample condolences on a card about the death of a mother

Dear/Dear [Name]!

It was difficult for us to accept the news of the death of your/your mother, [Name and Patronymic of the deceased]. The more we sympathize with your/your loss. We deeply mourn the death of [Name and Patronymic]. For us, she has always been an example of care, sensitivity, and attention to one’s neighbor. (or other positive qualities inherent in the deceased) and conquered with her kind disposition and love of humanity. We are very sad for her and can only imagine what a heavy blow her passing was for you. More than once we remembered her words: [such and such]. And in this she served as an example of [something], thanks to her we became/understood [how the deceased influenced us]. Your mother, [Name and Patronymic], raised and raised you - a worthy person, of whom, we are sure, she was proud. We are happy that we had the chance to know her.

With deep and sincere sympathy, the [So-and-so] family

Sample of condolences by e-mail about the death of mother

Email header:[Name], my condolences to you on the death of [Name and Patronymic]!

Text of the letter: Dear [Name]! Today I sadly learned about the death of your mother, [Name and Patronymic]. It’s hard to believe - after all, not so long ago she warmly welcomed us as guests. I remembered her as (positive qualities of the deceased) . It is difficult for me to imagine the depth of grief that you are experiencing right now. My sincere condolences!

Perhaps these days you will have troubles associated with mourning events. I want to offer you my help: maybe you need to meet someone, help with a car, or notify someone... Contact me! I would like to help in some way during this difficult moment for all of us!

I sympathize with your loss! Signature.

Condolences on the death of father

Structure of a letter (postcard, email) of condolences on the death of a father girlfriend or friend - the same as in the case of condolences for the death of a mother (see above). However, society values ​​slightly different qualities in a man than in a mother or wife. Words and phrases that are appropriate to express condolences on the death of dad, head of the family, are given below. If more precise words of consolation come to mind that reflect the characteristics of this particular person, then it is better to use them.

• As soon as I met your father, that same day I realized that he was a man of [such and such qualities]
• He was a real man, a responsible head of the family and a caring person.
• I didn’t know your father personally, but I can imagine how much he meant to you.
• He was an example for me in this and that.
• He admired everyone for his foresight, erudition, and sharp mind.
• I realized that I knew little about him. When the time is right, tell me more about your dad!
• Knowing you, I can guess how much your father gave to his family and children!

Samples of condolences for the death of a friend, colleague

Condolences to a colleague, employee, subordinate - not only a sign of good relations in the team, but also an element of business ethics in a healthy company. Condolences for a colleague are expressed in the same way as condolences for a friend, relative, or someone close to you. The examples below focus attention precisely on a professional status- boss, responsible specialist, prominent official, public figure...

• It is with deep regret that I learned about the tragic/untimely/sudden death of the president of your company, Mr. [Last Name-Patronymic]. His contribution to the formation/development/prosperity of your company is well known and indisputable. The management of [Company Name] and our colleagues, saddened by the bitter news, convey their condolences for the loss of a respected and talented leader.
• Let me express to you our deep feelings regarding the death of [position] Mrs. [Last name-First name-Patronymic]. Her professionalism, competence and dedication earned her the genuine respect of all who worked with her. Please accept our sincere condolences for your grief and sympathy for your irreparable loss.
• I am deeply shocked by the news of the death of [position, First Name and Patronymic]. Let me express my most sincere sympathy to you personally and all the employees of your company. My colleagues, having learned of the tragedy/grief/misfortune, share deep sadness at his/her passing.

A man has a grief. A man has lost a loved one. What should I tell him?

Hold on!

The most common words that always come to mind first are:

• Be strong!
• Hold on!
• Take heart!
• My condolences!
• Any help?
• Oh, what a horror... Well, hold on.

What else can I say? There is nothing to console us, we will not return the loss. Hold on, friend! It’s also not clear what to do next - either support this topic (what if the person is even more painful from continuing the conversation), or change it to neutral...

These words are not spoken out of indifference. Only for the person who has lost life has stopped and time has stopped, but for the rest - life goes on, but how could it be otherwise? It’s scary to hear about our grief, but life goes on as usual. But sometimes you want to ask again - what to hold on to? Even faith in God is difficult to hold on to, because along with loss comes the desperate “Lord, Lord, why did you leave me?”

We should be happy!

The second group of valuable advice to the bereaved is much worse than all these endless “hold on!”

• “You should be glad that you had such a person and such love in your life!”
• “Do you know how many infertile women would dream of being a mother for at least 5 years!”
• “Yes, he finally got over it! How he suffered here and that’s it – he doesn’t suffer anymore!”

I can't be happy. This will be confirmed by anyone who buried a beloved 90-year-old grandmother, for example. Mother Adriana (Malysheva) passed away at 90. She was on the verge of death more than once, and throughout the last year she was seriously and painfully ill. She asked the Lord more than once to take her away as soon as possible. All her friends did not see her that often - a couple of times a year at best. Most had only known her for a couple of years. When she left, despite all this, we were orphaned...

Death is not something to be happy about at all.

Death is the most terrible and evil evil.

And Christ defeated it, but for now we can only believe in this victory, while we, as a rule, do not see it.

By the way, Christ did not call to rejoice in death - he cried when he heard about the death of Lazarus and resurrected the son of the widow of Nain.

And “death is gain,” the Apostle Paul said to himself, and not about others, “for ME life is Christ, and death is gain.”

You are strong!

• How he holds up!
• How strong she is!
• You are strong, you endure everything so courageously...

If a person who has experienced a loss does not cry, does not groan or be killed at a funeral, but is calm and smiles, he is not strong. He is still in the most severe phase of stress. When he starts crying and screaming, it means that the first stage of stress is passing, and he feels a little better.

There is such an accurate description in Sokolov-Mitrich’s report about the relatives of the Kursk crew:

“Several young sailors and three people who looked like relatives were traveling with us. Two women and one man. Only one circumstance cast doubt on their involvement in the tragedy: they were smiling. And when we had to push the broken bus, the women even laughed and rejoiced, like collective farmers in Soviet films returning from the battle for the harvest. “Are you from the committee of soldiers’ mothers?” - I asked. “No, we are relatives.”

That evening I met military psychologists from the St. Petersburg Military Medical Academy. Professor Vyacheslav Shamrey, who worked with the relatives of those killed at Komsomolets, told me that this sincere smile on the face of a grief-stricken person is called “unconscious psychological defense.” On the plane on which the relatives flew to Murmansk, there was an uncle who, upon entering the cabin, rejoiced like a child: “Well, at least I’ll fly on the plane. Otherwise I’ve been sitting all my life in my Serpukhov district, I don’t see the white light!” This means that the uncle was very bad.

“We’re going to Sasha Ruzlev... Senior midshipman... 24 years old, second compartment,” after the word “compartment,” the women began to sob. “And this is his father, he lives here, he’s also a submariner, he’s been sailing all his life.” The name of? Vladimir Nikolayevich. Just don’t ask him anything, please.”

Are there those who hold on well and do not plunge into this black and white world of grief? Don't know. But if a person “holds on,” it means that, most likely, he needs and will continue to need spiritual and psychological support for a long time. The worst may be ahead.

Orthodox arguments

• Thank God you now have a guardian angel in heaven!
• Your daughter is now an angel, hurray, she’s in the Kingdom of Heaven!
• Your wife is now closer to you than ever!

I remember a colleague was at the funeral of a friend’s daughter. A non-church colleague was horrified by the godmother of that little girl who was burned out from leukemia: “Can you imagine, she said in such a plastic, harsh voice - rejoice, your Masha is now an angel! What a beautiful day! She is with God in the Kingdom of Heaven! This is your best day!”

The thing here is that we, believers, really see that it is not “when” that matters, but “how”. We believe (and this is the only way we live) that sinless children and well-living adults will not lose mercy from the Lord. That it is scary to die without God, but with God nothing is scary. But this is our, in a sense, theoretical knowledge. A person experiencing a loss can himself tell a lot of things that are theologically correct and comforting, if necessary. “Closer than ever” – you don’t feel it, especially at first. Therefore, here I would like to say, “Can everything be as usual, please?”

In the months that have passed since my husband’s death, by the way, I have not heard these “Orthodox consolations” from a single priest. On the contrary, all the fathers told me how difficult it was, how difficult it was. How they thought they knew something about death, but it turned out that they knew little. That the world has become black and white. What sorrow. I didn’t hear a single “finally your personal angel has appeared.”

Only a person who has gone through grief can probably say about this. I was told how Mother Natalia Nikolaevna Sokolova, who buried two of her most beautiful sons within a year - Archpriest Theodore and Bishop Sergius, said: “I gave birth to children for the Kingdom of Heaven. There are two already there.” But only she herself could say that.

Time cures?

Probably, over time, this wound with meat throughout the soul will heal a little. I don't know that yet. But in the first days after the tragedy, everyone is nearby, everyone is trying to help and sympathize. But then - everyone goes on with their own lives - how could it be otherwise? And somehow it seems that the most acute period of grief has already passed. No. The first weeks are not the most difficult. As a wise man who experienced a loss told me, after forty days you only little by little understand what place the departed person occupied in your life and soul. After a month, it stops seeming like you’ll wake up and everything will be as before. That this is just a business trip. You realize that you won’t come back here, that you won’t be here anymore.

It is at this time that you need support, presence, attention, work. And just someone who will listen to you.

There is no way to console. You can console a person, but only if you return his loss and resurrect the deceased. And the Lord can still comfort you.

What can I say?

In fact, it is not so important what you say to a person. What matters is whether you have experience of suffering or not.

Here's the thing. There are two psychological concepts: sympathy and empathy.

Sympathy- We sympathize with the person, but we ourselves have never been in such a situation. And we, in fact, cannot say “I understand you” here. Because we don't understand. We understand that it is bad and scary, but we do not know the depth of this hell in which a person is now. And not every experience of loss is suitable here. If we buried our beloved 95-year-old uncle, this does not give us the right to say to the mother who buried her son: “I understand you.” If we do not have such experience, then your words will most likely not have any meaning for a person. Even if he listens to you out of politeness, the thought will be in the background: “But everything is fine with you, why do you say that you understand me?”

And here empathy- this is when you have compassion for a person and KNOW what he is going through. A mother who has buried a child experiences empathy and compassion, supported by experience, for another mother who has buried a child. Here every word can be at least somehow perceived and heard. And most importantly, here is a living person who also experienced this. Who feels bad, just like me.

Therefore, it is very important to arrange for a person to meet with those who can show empathy towards him. Not an intentional meeting: “But Aunt Masha, she also lost a child!” Unobtrusively. Carefully tell them that you can go to such and such a person or that such a person is ready to come and talk. There are many forums online to support people experiencing loss. On the RuNet there is less, on the English-language Internet there is more - those who have experienced or are experiencing gather there. Being close to them will not ease the pain of loss, but it will support them.

Help from a good priest who has experience of loss or simply a lot of life experience. You will most likely also need the help of a psychologist.

Pray a lot for the deceased and for loved ones. Pray yourself and serve magpies in churches. You can also invite the person himself to travel to churches together to serve magpies around him and pray around him and read the psalter.

If you knew the deceased, remember him together. Remember what you said, what you did, where you went, what you discussed... Actually, that’s what wakes are for—to remember a person, to talk about him. “Do you remember, one day we met at a bus stop, and you had just returned from your honeymoon”….

Listen a lot, calmly and for a long time. Not comforting. Without encouraging, without asking to rejoice. He will cry, he will blame himself, he will retell the same little things a million times. Listen. Just help with the housework, with the children, with chores. Talk about everyday topics. Be near.

P.P.S. If you have experience of how grief and loss are experienced, we will add your advice, stories and help others at least a little.

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21. There are no words to express all the pain and sorrow of our soul.

22. Eternal memory of you.

23. You are always in our memory.

24. I miss you so much for complete human happiness.

25. I feel empty on earth without you. 26. Thank you for living (living).

27. Great sorrow cannot be measured, tears of grief cannot be filled with tears. You are not with us, but you will live forever in our hearts.

28. We would give everything, a piece of our heart, If only yours would beat again.

29. The heart went out like lightning, the pain will not be extinguished by the year, Your image will forever be kept in our memory forever.

30. Everything was in him (her) - soul, talent and beauty, everything sparkled for us like a bright dream.

31. How much of ours went with you, how much of yours remains with us.

32. You left (left) life incomprehensibly early, Parents are oppressed by sadness and a wound is bleeding in their hearts, Your little son is growing up without knowing the word “mom” (“dad”).

33. You left (left) so early, without saying goodbye and without saying a word to us, How should we continue to live, making sure that you will never return to us.

34. Your mother’s tears, your father’s sadness, your brother’s loneliness, your grandparents’ grief will be eternal for you.

35. Like drops of dew on roses, there are tears on our cheeks, sleep peacefully, Darling, we all remember, love and mourn you. 36. The earth is empty without you.

37. Forgive us for bringing flowers to your stove under the starry sky. I'm sorry that we were left with air that you didn't breathe.

38. They don’t part with their loved ones, they just stop being close to them.

39. We cannot find words to describe our grief, We cannot find strength in the world to lift you up, Our words cannot even be contained in the sea, How cruel is the fate that took you away.

40. Unable to overcome grief, bear the pain of loss, No one could help you, forgive us (name), forgive us.

41. Having left a mark in the hearts of people with our good deeds, We do not say the word “no”, we say: “You are forever with us.”

42. Time stopped running and pain squeezed my whole soul, A man like few in the world passed away.

43. You left life, but not your heart.

44. How I want to scream in pain that you are no longer in the world!

45. I will never meet you, and I know it will always be like this.

46. ​​The earth became poorer with one flower, the heavens became richer with one star.

47. Angel, dear, forgive me, it’s my fault that I wasn’t with you at the hour of death

48. The heart still doesn’t believe in the bitter loss, As if you didn’t die, but went somewhere.

49. When people forget you, all your friends forget, only your heart will remember you, and that heart will be me.

50. Unexpected grief, immense grief, the most important thing in life is Lost, it’s a pity that life cannot be repeated, To give it to you again.

52. We come here to lay flowers. It’s very difficult, dear, for us to live without you.

53. We wish you good luck in that unknown and new world, so that you don’t feel lonely, so that the angels don’t leave.

54. Bending over, we stand over your grave, watering the flowers with hot tears, I don’t want to believe, our beloved son (father), that you are in this grave.

55. Sleep well, our dear son (father)

56. You passed away too early, words cannot express our pain. Sleep, dear, you are our pain and wound, but the memory of you is always alive.

57. Love for you, dear son, will die only with us, And our pain and our sorrow cannot be expressed in words.

58. To you, the one and only, we bow our heads.

59. And earthly life ended, all your strength faded away, Farewell, our dear beloved, eternal memory to you.

60. Forgive us that we did not dare to give our love to you during our lifetime. You forgave us, left us, we remained eternal debtors.

61. You lived your life with dignity, leaving us with a memory forever. In a silent world, sleep peacefully, the person we love.

62. A serious illness broke you, you passed away without living, Dear, our beloved son, how difficult it is for us to live without you.

63. We are with you forever, son, God, calm his soul

64. I loved you very much, I always lived by you. Forgive me, my dear son, that I did not save you.

65. You were an example to follow for us. We still live by looking up to you. We come to you, father, on a date, to consult in happiness and misfortune.

66. Your whole life is over with you, you have no life, and we don’t. The dearest, beloved son, beloved child has passed away.

67. You are in us, dear, like our blood, And death has no power over you as long as there is love in the world!

68. Thank you, my clear one, for being in the world!

69. You left us, dear, the mournful hour of separation has come. But everything is still alive, you are in our heart among us.

70. Don’t make noise with the leaves, don’t wake up our mother.

71. You left life instantly, the pain remains with us forever, But we will never forget your beloved tender image.

72. We love you and you are always alive in our memory.

73. Don’t find out where I turned my path, to what limit in life I moved, oh, friend, I did everything on earth, I loved and lived on earth.

74. You, mother, gave us your warmth. We believe that your soul is calm and bright.

75. Let the fire not go out until the end and the memory of her remain, Who awakened hearts for life, and now has found eternal peace.

76. I loved you, I won’t forget you, I will love you forever

77. Quiet, trees, don’t make noise with the leaves, mommy is sleeping, don’t wake her.

78. Sometimes angels descend from heaven, To warm you with their warmth and love, You, our beloved girl, were such an angel.

79. Sleep peacefully, my beloved daughter, You have walked your short journey honestly and joyfully.

80. We love you very much, our daughter. Why did the night hide you so early?

81. You were a clear star, how dim the world became, When the star went out.

82. What words can I find so that you can hear the confession of my soul? And what string to play on, So that you can run, as before, on a date?

83. A rose fell, broken by the wind...

84. Lord, we give you our littlest angel.

85. How could we have thought that on this day you would step from childhood into eternity...

86. You passed away too early, words cannot express our pain. Sleep, dear, you are our pain and wound, but the memory of you is always alive.

87. To our little angel who has returned to heaven

88. You were like an angel soaring into the sky, how little time you spent with us..

89. Calm down, mom and dad! Gentle angels guard my sleep.

90. No, I will not come to terms with the terrible burden of existence until my death. That children die before adults, that you died, I remain.

91. You, baby, were cherished, raised, carried in their arms, taken to kindergarten. They sing to you now, bending over, and eating Farewell at the eternal cradle.

92. Wonderful child, unfair fate did not give you to me, but only showed you and immediately took you away.

93. Words cannot express all the grief and sadness, In our hearts and memories you (you) are with us

94. We are endlessly grateful to you, we do not forget about you, and we remember your souls and hearts alive.

95. No... They didn’t go away, but they repeated themselves in the children.

96. What a pity that we realized late how much we miss you

97. Life separated them, but death united them. Two pure souls are now in one grave.

98. Sleep well, my dear ones, I (we) will dedicate my life (we will) to your memory.

99. You will never be on earth again, But you gave us life, raised us, and left us here as your continuation.

100. Lord, thy will be done!

101. Rest in the Kingdom of Heaven.

102. Sleep in peace and pray to God for us

103. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

104. Lord, with the saints rest the soul of your servant(s) (Name)

105. Give us strength to understand the Divine covenant - With God everyone is alive, but there are no dead.

106. How we (I) miss you, our (my) dear... And only prayer helps us (me) in sorrow.

107. Here rests in peace (Name), so that one day he will be resurrected in Christ

108. The Lord himself sent you to earth. He was your Shepherd and now He has called...

109. You have lived your life in merging with God - Now your path to Him is easy.

110. Don’t pass by, passer-by, stop, bow to my damp grave, pray for me, a sinner.

111. Life on earth is fleeting, but ahead is a heavenly paradise. We will remember you forever, so rise quickly

112. Help and save, protect and cover, Cover me with soft snow, look at me, Here I am all (all) before you, O Lord, give me peace.

113. Nature is wise and the eye of the Almighty sees our every step on the thorny road. There comes a moment when each of us, at the last line, remembers God.

114. The dust will return to the earth, which it was, and the spirit will return to God, who gave it.

115. God created the stars, the blue distance, but surpassed himself by creating sadness for loved ones.

116. Passer-by, pray over this grave, He found refuge in it from all earthly anxieties, Here he left everything that was sinful in him, With the hope that his Savior - God - lives.

117. Lord, he had sorrows and sorrows on earth, Give him joy in heaven.

118. Grant him, O God, remission of sins, Grant him eternal peace.

119. The kingdom of heaven and eternal peace to you.

120. God, forgive his (her) sinful soul and accept him as he (s) was

121. There is no need to cry for me, the soul is subject only to God. She set off on a journey through an unknown country. There is a kingdom of light, a kingdom of stars, There is a kingdom of world harmonies, so take your palms away from your eyes and smile, no tears needed.

122. How the heart cries, the pain cannot be conveyed. We mourn and remember every minute. Time cannot take away this pain. Oh God, help us get through the separation.

123. When the escape of life is torn out without pity, When the body turns to dust forever. Let them make a jug from this dust and fill it with wine: the man will come to life.

124. Life without You is empty. Where the dream lived, flowers die in tears. It's bitter to live without You. Not believing that You will never return to us.

125. Don’t part with your loved ones. Grow into them with all your heart. And every time you say goodbye forever when you leave for a moment.

126. And let the evening light candles for me. And your image is enveloped in smoke. But I don’t want to know that time heals. That everything goes with him.

127. Why and who needs it. Who sent you death with an unshaking hand. Only so mercilessly, so evil and unnecessary. Who let you into Eternal Peace.

128. Don't cry for me when I'm gone. After all, you will find a star in the sky. And my sorrow will leave you. After all, my star is so far away.

129. The pain of separation is incurable. The separation that is forever.

130. Eternal sleep for you, and eternal melancholy for us.

131. The farewell candle will burn out. And your eyes will fill with tears. It's hard to live in the world without you. And believe that you are not with us.

132. To those who are dear in life. Like those who remember and manage.

133. The heart is squeezing, the soul is crying bitterly, There is no important grief, no waste of your life.

134. Your dream will no longer pass, and your month will no longer meet, For the Lord will be your eternal light.

135. Without you, the earth is empty for us. How cruel fate is that it took you away.

136. How much of ours went with you. How much of yours remains with us.

137. We can’t bring you back with tears. Sadness cannot be measured by sadness.

138. It’s so easy to imagine you alive. That it is impossible to believe in your death.

139. Our last debt, a sorrowful stone, The cup of sorrow is full. There is no more joy in the world, Only pain and sorrow remain.

140. That day when your gaze went out and your heart stopped beating, For us it was the most terrible day, And we will not be able to come to terms with it.

141. There are no words in the world to describe our grief. There is no strength in the world to lift you up. Even the sea cannot contain our tears. How cruel fate is that it took you away.

142. You left kindness and love alive, No matter how many years have passed: We love, we remember, we mourn...

143. And he stands before my eyes. Alive, with a smile on his lips. No! No! He is always with us and will live in our hearts.

144. A person leaves the world. Like a guest from a friend's feast. He was tired of the chaos. I finished my glass and finished dinner. Tired. Enough. Rest is needed. It's time to go home.

145. You left life instantly, but the pain remained forever.

146. For the rest of our lives, we will have enough grief and sadness, About the one we loved and so suddenly lost.

147. We could not lose more, our grief has no boundaries. Grief cannot be expressed, cannot be described, there is very little granite page.

148. You believed your friends. I was deceived by love. But there is God above us. Punishment is coming. God's punishment is not a myth. What has passed will return. Those who took you away will be punished.

149. Grief, suffering, despair, the stormy waves of the sea of ​​life are full. Their splashes are tears and blood. But to a man in the vale of languor, wonderful sisters are given as consolation. Faith Hope Love. And encouraging the weary in soul, Faith brings us firmness with it. She casts doubts. We look forward with bolder hope. The dark distance is both clearer and lighter. Full of wondrous joy. The third sister is God's breath, with her no suffering is scary. Her temple is our hearts. It contains compassion, pity, participation. It contains beauty, forgiveness, happiness. The kingdom of love without end...

150. Your hands did not know fatigue. Your lips never fainted. You walked through life loving your work. May you rest in peace.

151. I loved you, I loved life, but it’s not my fault that I didn’t live long. Now for you I will become the wind, a birch tree, a blade of grass, flowers. Pet them mom, it’s me, your pain is with you forever.

152. We only had a little more time to live in the Duma, and we might as well have lived. But the sun has set.

153. We stand bending over your grave. We water the flowers with hot tears, I don’t want to believe, dear and beloved, that you are in this grave.

154. It’s too early to see us. No one could save you. The wound on my heart is too deep. Sorry son, sorry, sorry...

155. You walked through life smiling. He left us all without saying goodbye. It’s impossible to describe how my heart cries. We mourn and remember

156. Pishov’s life is much too early. No one could lie. The wound is so deep in my heart. As long as you live with us.

157. With one flower the earth has become poorer. Heaven has become richer with one soul. You were with us so little in this life. But your memory is always in our hearts. 158. No! Don’t write in the dark, even if your heart skips a beat in agony. Having deprived you of a place to live for your squad, the children and children. 159. Do not bear grief. Don't cry a tear. You've taken your joy from home forever.

160. You loved everyone and sang songs. There is hope and support in the family. The world turned black. The light has dimmed and our grief is inconsolable.

161. Death chose you without asking us. How to live on and will you have enough strength? Our fell and husband, you were loved by us. We remember you and mourn you in grief.

162. We will remember You forever, for being cordial to everyone. For Your wisdom and kindness. For efficiency at the post. For sincere, smart advice. For the warmth that I was able to give. May God open heaven for you.

163. You passed away too early. Words cannot express our pain. Sleep dear, you are our pain and wound. The memory of you is always alive.

164. Oh, if only mommy were alive. We would give anything he asked for. Words... Words... Words... Words... We all pronounce them after death.

165. You lived and loved life. You should live and bloom. But the insidious death struck. Nobody could save you.

166. How the heart hurts, how the soul cries. The day has finally arrived.

167. I choke with tears... You are in my memory through me. It's so hard to bear the price of grief. I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry. What they couldn’t save you.

168. The pain of loss cannot be washed away with tears, and sorrow has no end. Our dear, you will always be with us. In our thoughts, our hearts.

169. Sleep well, our dear one, in a dark house, in the distance. Let our sorrow and our tears not disturb your dreams.

170. Having deprived everything, happy days and death. Life has given you so few years. And instead of youth, love and hope, I gave this granite as a gift.

Often a person is not prepared for the death of family or loved ones. For such cases, you need to be able to express words of condolences, doing it sincerely. Condolence is a mutual experience of loss, a desire to share this pain. Grief shocks and devastates a person, so at such a moment he needs support, even with words, and he will decide for himself whether to accept it or not. Correctly chosen words of condolences will always provide the necessary support.

How to Express Condolences

• Be sensitive, vigilant, try to understand what the grieving person needs.
• Since the person is shocked at this moment, he will probably not pay attention to what exactly you say. It is more effective to hug the grieving person, press him to his chest, stay close to him, and offer help.
• An important aspect of expressing sympathy is sincerity. When choosing your words, remember that hypocritical expressions and attempts to imitate feelings that do not exist are unacceptable.
• If a person is venting to you, be quiet and listen.
• You should be careful about the form of expressing condolences in poetry; not everyone will understand this.
• You should not give the mourner advice and warnings like: “don’t kill yourself in vain,” “don’t worry like that,” at the moment it’s pointless.
• It is worth discarding the attempt to instantly calm a person down with the words: “he has gone to a better world,” “we are all not eternal,” “he has suffered,” and so on.

Condolences

Regarding the death of father, mother

• This world has lost a great personality...
• We were completely shaken by the news of his death. He was a righteous and courageous man, an honest and reliable friend. I knew him for so many years, I mourn with you...
• Our family is grieving, as are you. It is difficult and painful to lose those who have been with us for so many years.
• Your father was always ready to help. You can also count on our help...
• This is an irreparable loss. Together with you, it hurts us too. He did a lot for you, was a support, but now his desire is for you to quickly overcome this tragedy.
• Your loss is irreplaceable. But he left in our souls his immortal light and warm memories of days gone by.
• Having gone into eternity, his last wish is for you to live happily, no matter what!
• How painful it is for you at this difficult moment. After all, our parents invest so much in us! Their bright and good deeds will not be forgotten! This is the best honor for them.
• We have no one closer to our parents in the world! A person who has passed away continues to live in his righteous deeds. Let him be an example for all of us in difficult times. I sincerely sympathize with you for this loss!
• May our memory and gratitude be the best honor. And now we must stick together, count on my help. Parents are the image of God for us.
• Losing a mother is losing a part of yourself! Let me share your pain! Everlasting memory!

Regarding the death of a brother, sister

• I am shocked and it hurt me to hear about this tragedy. I will miss him.
• In memory of him, I am ready to support you at this moment...
• When loved ones leave, this is the worst thing. I mourn with you.
• She made a huge contribution to your upbringing. Your happy life will be her gratitude.
• Your sister was a bright and kind person. The world has become poorer without her.
• He often got us into trouble, but thanks to this we became better, we became stronger, we became kinder. Eternal memory to you, brother!

Regarding the death of a husband, wife, loved one

• He was everything to you! Keep his love in your soul! She will be the best memory.
• Our hearts, our memories will always keep warm memories of him...
• Having learned about what happened, we were crushed for a long time and did not know what to do. But tears will not help your grief; count on us to be with you throughout the ritual procession.
• I am deeply saddened by this news. It is impossible to experience these feelings painlessly. Whatever I say is just a consolation. I will be by your side to help you get through this shock...
• I wish I could find words to ease your pain, but I don’t know if there are such words in all the land.
• A loved one does not die, he just stops being around. In your soul and in our memory, your love will live forever.
• He was your support and protection in life, now he has become your guardian angel! Love binds you with invisible threads!

Regarding the death of a child

• Your grief is great, I am crushed along with you...
• This is indescribable pain! How can I help you? Count on my help...
• I know how much you loved him. He was your whole world, which collapsed overnight! All I can do is share your grief.
• My condolences. Parental love is the strongest. The pain is inexpressible. But at this moment, the best memory of him will be to control himself. We will be by your side and help...
• It is unlikely that we will ever understand why God takes away our young people! You can go crazy from such pain. But, you need to continue to live! Be strong!
• Children are the most important thing we have. God forbid someone to experience such a loss! My sincere condolences...
• When we heard this news, we were speechless. We feel your pain, it is enormous. Always count on our help!
• It is a great human grief to lose a mother. But there is no greater grief than losing a son. Our condolences! We share your pain!
• This sad news shook us like thunder. Be strong, we will always be there...

Acquaintances, friends

• I sympathize with your grief.
• Kingdom of heaven, may the earth rest in peace...
• I see how dear he was to you, please accept my condolences...
• News of death is the most painful and depressing. I can't believe it! My heart also hurts from what I heard. No matter what, you need to continue to live and remember this person with kind words.
• When grief comes to the house, no one is ready for it. And the pain is great! I will help you take this blow of fate...
• I am completely saddened by the news of your loss. Words are unlikely to help, and it is inexpressible. Is there anything I can do for you in this situation?
• At the moment of life loss, we understand what is most important to us. Seeing the grief that has overtaken you, I will refuse words! But remember, I am nearby!

Life does not stand still... Some come into this world, while others leave it. Faced with the fact that someone close to them has died, people consider it necessary to support the grieving person and express their condolences and sympathy. Condolences- this is not some special ritual, but a responsive, sympathetic attitude towards the experiences and misfortune of another, expressed in words - orally or in writing - and actions. What words to choose, how to behave so as not to offend, injure, or cause even more suffering?

The word condolences speaks for itself. This, to put it simply, is not so much a ritual as “ with seating disease" Don't let this surprise you. After all, grief is actually a disease. This is a very difficult, painful human condition, and it is well known that “shared grief is half grief.” Condolence usually goes along with sympathy ( Sympathy - feeling together, general feeling) From this it is clear that condolences are sharing grief with a person, an attempt to take on part of his pain. And in a broader sense, condolences are not only words, presence next to the grieving, but also deeds that are aimed at consoling the grieving person.

Condolences are not only oral, addressed directly to the grieving person, but also written, when a person who cannot express it directly for some reason expresses his sympathy in writing.

Also, offering condolences is in various cases part of business ethics. Such condolences are expressed by organizations, institutions, and firms. Condolences are also used in diplomatic protocol when they are expressed at the official level in interstate relations.

Verbal condolences to the bereaved

The most common way to express condolences is verbally. Verbal condolences are expressed by relatives, acquaintances, friends, neighbors, co-workers to those who were closer to the deceased through family, friendly and other connections. Verbal condolences are expressed at a personal meeting (most often at a funeral or wake).

The first and most important condition for expressing verbal condolences is that it should not be formal, empty, without the work of the soul and sincere sympathy behind it. Otherwise, condolences turn into an empty and formal ritual, which not only does not help the grieving person, but in many cases also causes him additional pain. Unfortunately, this is not a rare case these days. It must be said that people in grief subtly sense lies that at other times they would not even notice. Therefore, it is very important to express your sympathy as sincerely as possible, and not try to say empty and false words that have no warmth.

How to express verbal condolences:

To express your condolences please consider the following:

• There is no need to be ashamed of your feelings. Do not try to artificially restrain yourself in showing kind feelings towards the grieving person and in expressing warm words towards the deceased.
• Remember that condolences can often be expressed in more than just words. If you cannot find the right words, you can express your condolences with whatever your heart tells you. In some cases, touching the grieving person is quite enough. You can (if in this case it is appropriate and ethical) shake or stroke his hand, hug, or even just cry next to the grieving person. This will also be an expression of sympathy and your grief. The same can be done by condolences who do not have close relationships with the family of the deceased or knew him little during his lifetime. For them, it is enough to shake hands with relatives at the cemetery as a sign of condolences.
• When expressing condolences, it is very important not only to choose sincere, comforting words, but also to reinforce these words with an offer of all possible help. This is a very important Russian tradition. Sympathetic people at all times understood that their words without deeds could turn out to be dead and formal. What are these things? This is a prayer for the deceased and the grieving (you can not only pray yourself, but also submit notes to the church), this is an offer of help with the housework and organizing a funeral, this is all possible financial assistance (this does not mean at all that you are “paying off”), as well as many different types of assistance. Actions will not only reinforce your words, but will also make life easier for the grieving person, and will also allow you to do a good deed.

Therefore, when you say words of condolences, do not hesitate to ask how you can help the grieving person, what you can do for him. This will give your condolences weight and sincerity.

How to find the right words to express condolences

Finding the right, sincere, accurate words of condolences that would reflect your sympathy is also not always easy. How to choose them? There are rules for this:

People at all times, before saying words of condolences, prayed. This is very important, because it is so difficult to find the kind words needed in this situation. And prayer calms us, turns our attention to God, whom we ask for the repose of the deceased, for the granting of consolation to his relatives. In prayer, in any case, we find certain sincere words, some of which we can then say in condolences. We highly recommend that you pray before going to express your condolences. You can pray anywhere, it will not take much time and effort, it will not cause harm, but will bring a huge amount of benefit.

In addition, we often have grievances, both against the person to whom we will offer condolences, and against the deceased himself. It is these grievances and understatements that often prevent us from saying words of consolation.

So that this does not interfere with us, it is necessary to forgive in prayer those with whom you are offended, and then the necessary words will come on their own.

• Before you say words of consolation to a person, it is better to think about your attitude towards the deceased.

In order for the necessary words of condolences to come, it would be good to remember the life of the deceased, the good that the deceased did for you, remember what he taught you, the joys that he brought you during his life. You can remember the history and the most important moments of his life. After this, it will be much easier to find the necessary, sincere words for condolences.

• Before expressing sympathy, it is very important to think about how the person (or people) to whom you are going to express condolences are feeling now.

Think about their experiences, the extent of their loss, their internal state at the moment, the history of their relationship. If you do this, the right words will come on their own. All you have to do is say them.

It is important to note that even if the person to whom condolences are addressed had a conflict with the deceased, if they had a difficult relationship, betrayal, then this should in no way affect your attitude towards the grieving person. You cannot know the degree of remorse (present and future) of that person or persons.

Expressing condolences is not only a sharing of grief, but also an obligatory reconciliation. When a person speaks words of sympathy, it is quite appropriate to sincerely briefly ask for forgiveness for what you consider yourself to be guilty of before the deceased or the person to whom you offer condolences.

Examples of verbal condolences

Here are a few examples of verbal condolences. We would like to emphasize that these are EXAMPLES. You should not use only ready-made stamps, because... the person to whom you offer condolences needs not so much the right words as sympathy, sincerity and honesty.

• He meant a lot to me and to you, I mourn with you.
• Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
• There are no words to express your sorrow. She meant a lot in your life and mine. Never forget…
• It is very difficult to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
• I'm very sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you...
• Unfortunately, in this imperfect world we have to experience this. He was a bright man whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.
• This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. Of course, it’s harder for you now than anyone else. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please let's walk this path together
• Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were. Excuse me! I mourn with you.
• This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
• It is difficult to express in words how much good he did to me. All our differences are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry with me throughout my life. I pray for him and grieve with you. I will be happy to help you at any time.

I would like to especially emphasize that when expressing condolences, one should do without pomposity, pretentiousness, or theatricality.

What not to say when expressing condolences

Let's talk about common mistakes made by those who are trying to somehow support the grieving, but in fact risk causing him even more severe suffering.

Everything that will be said below applies only to the expression of CONDOLENCES for PEOPLE EXPERIENCED THE MOST ACUTE, SHOCK stage of grief, which usually begins on the first day and can end on days 9 to 40 of loss (if grief proceeds normally). ALL ADVICE IN THIS ARTICLE IS GIVEN WITH SUCH GRIEVING PARTICIPALLY IN CONSIDERATION.

As we have already said, the most important thing is that condolences are not formal. We must try not to speak (not write) insincere, general words. In addition, it is very important that when expressing condolences, empty, banal, meaningless and tactless phrases are not used. It is important to note that in an attempt to console a person who has lost a loved one in any way, gross mistakes are made, which not only do not console, but can also be a source of misunderstanding, aggression, resentment, and disappointment on the part of the grieving person. This happens because a psychologically grieving person in the shock stage of grief experiences, perceives and feels everything differently. This is why it is better to avoid mistakes when expressing condolences.

Here are examples of frequently used phrases that, according to experts, are not recommended to be said when expressing condolences to a person who is in the acute phase of grief:

You can't "console" the future

"Time will pass, still give birth"(if the child died), "You are beautiful, then will you get married again"(if the husband died), etc. - This is a completely tactless statement for a grieving person. He hasn't mourned yet, hasn't experienced a real loss. Usually at this time he is not interested in prospects, he experiences the pain of real loss. And he still cannot see the future that he is told about. Therefore, such “consolation” from a person who may think that he is thus giving hope to the grieving person is in fact tactless and terribly stupid.

« Do not Cry“Everything will pass” - people who utter such words of “sympathy” give completely wrong instructions to the grieving person. In turn, such attitudes make it impossible for the grieving person to react to his emotions and hide his pain and tears. The grieving person, thanks to these attitudes, may begin (or become convinced) to think that crying is bad. This can have an extremely difficult impact on both the psycho-emotional and somatic state of the mourner and on the entire experience of the crisis. Usually the words “don’t cry, you need to cry less” are said by those people who do not understand the feelings of the mourner. This most often happens because the “sympathizers” themselves are traumatized by the crying of the grieving person, and they, trying to get away from this trauma, give such advice.

Naturally, if a person constantly cries for more than a year, then this is already a reason to contact a specialist, but if the grieving person expresses his grief several months after the loss, then this is absolutely normal.

"Don't worry, Everything will be fine” is another rather empty statement, which the sympathizer imagines as optimistic and even as giving hope to the mourner. It is necessary to understand that a person who is experiencing grief perceives this statement very differently. He does not yet see the good, he does not strive for it. At the moment, he doesn’t really care what happens next. He has not yet come to terms with the loss, has not mourned it, has not begun to build a new life without a loved one. And for this reason, such empty optimism will irritate him rather than help him.

« It's bad, of course, but time heals“- Another banal phrase that neither the grieving person nor the person who pronounces it can understand. God, prayer, good deeds, acts of mercy and alms can heal the soul, but time cannot heal! Over time, a person can adapt and get used to it. In any case, it is pointless to say this to the grieving person when time has stopped for him, the pain is still too acute, he is still experiencing the loss, is not making plans for the future, he does not yet believe that something can be changed over time. It seems to him that it will always be like this now. That is why such a phrase evokes negative feelings towards the speaker.

Let’s give a metaphor: for example, a child was hit hard, is experiencing severe pain, crying, and they say to him, “It’s bad that you hit yourself, but let it console you that it will heal before the wedding.” Do you think this will calm the child down or cause other, bad feelings towards you?

When expressing condolences, it is impossible to utter wishes to the mourner that are oriented towards the future. For example, “I wish you to get back to work quickly,” “I hope that you will soon regain your health,” “I wish you to come to your senses quickly after such a tragedy,” etc. Firstly, these wishes, which are oriented towards the future, are not condolences. Therefore, they should not be given in this capacity. And secondly, these wishes are oriented towards the future, which in a state of acute grief a person still does not yet see. This means that these phrases will disappear into emptiness at best. But it is possible that the griever will perceive this as your call to him to end his grief, which he simply physically cannot do in this phase of grief. This can cause negative reactions on the part of the grieving person.

You cannot find positive elements in a tragedy and devalue the loss.

Rationalizing the positive aspects of death, instilling positive conclusions from the loss, devaluing the loss by finding a certain benefit for the deceased, or something good in the loss, most often does not console the grieving person either. The bitterness of the loss does not become less, the person perceives what happened as a catastrophe

“He feels better this way. He was sick and exhausted"- Such words should be avoided. This can cause rejection and even aggression on the part of the person experiencing grief. Even if the grieving person admits the truth of this statement, the pain of the loss often does not become easier for him. He still experiences the feeling of loss acutely, painfully. In addition, in some cases, this can provoke resentment in the grieving person towards the departed - “You feel good now, you are not suffering, but I feel bad.” Such thoughts in the subsequent experience of grief can be a source of guilt in the grieving person.

Often when expressing condolences the following statements are heard: “It’s good that the mother wasn’t hurt,” “It’s hard, but you still have children.” They also should not be said to the grieving person. The arguments that are given in such statements are also not able to reduce a person’s pain from loss. He, of course, understands that everything could have been worse, that he did not lose everything, but this cannot console him. A mother cannot replace a dead father, and a second child cannot replace the first.

Every person knows that it is impossible to console a fire victim by saying that his house burned down, but his car remained. Or the fact that he was diagnosed with diabetes, but at least not in its worst form.

“Hold on, because others have it worse than you”(it can be even worse, you are not the only one, there is so much evil around - many suffer, your husband is here, and their children died, etc.) - also a fairly common case in which the sympathizer tries to compare the grieving person with the one “ who has it worse." At the same time, he hopes that the person grieving from this comparison will understand that his loss is not the worst, that it can be even worse, and thus his pain from the loss will decrease.

This is an unacceptable practice. It is impossible to compare the experience of grief with the experience of grief of other people. Firstly, for a normal person, if everyone around is feeling bad, then this does not improve, but rather worsens the person’s condition. Secondly, a grieving person cannot compare himself with others. For now, his grief is the most bitter. Therefore, such comparisons are more likely to do harm than good.

You can’t look for the “extreme”

When expressing condolences, one cannot say or mention that the death could have been prevented in any way. For example, “Oh, if we had sent him to the doctor”, “why didn’t we pay attention to the symptoms”, “if you had not left, then perhaps this would not have happened”, “if you had listened then”, “if We wouldn’t let him go,” etc.

Such statements (usually incorrect) cause in a person who is already very worried, an additional feeling of guilt, which will then have a very bad effect on his psychological state. This is a very common mistake that arises from our usual desire to find someone “to blame”, “extreme” in death. In this case, we make ourselves and the person to whom condolences are “guilty.”

Another attempt to find the “extreme”, and not to express sympathy, are statements that are completely inappropriate when expressing condolences: “We hope that the police will find the killer, he will be punished,” “this driver should be killed (brought to justice),” “these terrible doctors should be judged.” These statements (fairly or unfairly) place the blame on someone else and are a condemnation of another. But assigning someone to blame, solidarity in unkind feelings towards him, cannot at all soften the pain of loss. Punishing someone responsible for death cannot bring the victim back to life. Moreover, such statements put the mourner into a state of strong aggression towards the person responsible for the death of a dear person. But grief specialists know that a grieving person can turn aggression towards the perpetrator on himself at any moment, thereby making things even worse for himself. So you shouldn’t utter such phrases, fueling the fire of hatred, condemnation, and aggression. It is better to talk only about sympathy for the grieving person, or about the attitude towards the deceased.

“God gave - God took”- another often used “consolation” that actually does not console at all, but simply shifts the “blame” for the death of a person to God. We must understand that a person in the acute stage of grief is least concerned about the question of who took the person from his life. The suffering in this acute phase will not be made easier because God has taken and not another. But the most dangerous thing is that by suggesting in this way to shift the blame onto God, you can cause aggression in a person and not have good feelings towards God.

And this happens at the moment when the salvation of the grieving person himself, as well as the soul of the deceased, is precisely turning to God in prayer. And obviously, this creates additional complications if you consider God to be “guilty.” Therefore, it is better not to use the stamp “God gave - God took”, “Everything is in the hands of God”. The only exception is such condolences addressed to a deeply religious person who understands what humility is, God’s providence, who lives a spiritual life. For such people, mentioning this can indeed be a comfort.

“This happened for his sins”, “you know, he drank a lot”, “unfortunately, he was a drug addict, and they always end up like that” - sometimes people who express condolences try to find the “extreme” and “guilty” even in certain actions, behavior, lifestyle of the deceased himself. Unfortunately, in such cases, the desire to find the culprit begins to prevail over reason and elementary ethics. Needless to say, reminding the grieving person of the shortcomings of the person who died not only does not console, but on the contrary makes the loss even more tragic, develops a sense of guilt in the grieving person, and causes additional pain. In addition, a person who expresses “condolence” in this way, completely undeservedly, puts himself in the role of a judge who not only knows the cause, but also has the right to condemn the deceased, connecting certain causes with the effect. This characterizes the sympathizer as ill-mannered, who thinks a lot about himself, and stupid. And it would be good for him to know that, despite what a person has done in his life, only God has the right to judge him.

I would like to emphasize that “consolation” with condemnation and assessment is categorically unacceptable when expressing condolences. In order to prevent such tactless “condolences”, it is necessary to remember the well-known rule “It’s either good or nothing about the deceased.”

Other common mistakes when expressing condolences

They often say the phrase when expressing condolences “I know how difficult it is for you, I understand you” This is the most common mistake. When you say that you understand the feelings of another, it is not true. Even if you had similar situations and you think that you experienced the same feelings, then you are mistaken. Each feeling is individual, each person experiences and feels in his own way. No one can understand another's physical pain except the one experiencing it. And everyone’s soul hurts especially. Do not say such phrases about knowing and understanding the pain of the mourner, even if you have experienced similar things. You shouldn't compare feelings. You can't feel the same way he does. Be tactful. Respect the other person's feelings. It’s better to limit yourself to the words “I can only guess how bad you feel”, “I see how you grieve”

It is strictly not recommended to tactlessly inquire about details when expressing sympathy. “How did this happen?” “Where did this happen?”, “What did he say before his death?” This is no longer an expression of condolences, but curiosity, which is not at all appropriate. Such questions can be asked if you know that the grieving person wants to talk about it, if it does not cause him trauma (but this, of course, does not mean that it is impossible to talk about the loss at all).

It happens that when offering condolences, people begin to talk about the severity of their condition, in the hope that these words will help the mourner to more easily cope with grief - “You know that I feel bad too,” “When my mother died, I also almost went crazy.” ", "Me too, just like you. I feel very bad, my father also died,” etc. Sometimes this can really help, especially if the grieving person is very close to you, if your words are sincere, and your desire to help him is great. But in most cases, talking about your grief in order to show your sadness is not worth it. In this way, a multiplication of grief and pain can occur, a mutual induction that not only does not improve, but can even worsen the condition. As we have already said, it is little consolation for a person that others are also feeling bad.

Often condolences are expressed in phrases that are more like appeals - “ You must live for the sake of”, “You must endure”, “You must not”, “you need, you must do”. Such appeals, of course, are not condolences and sympathy. This is a legacy of the Soviet era, when conscription was practically the only understandable form of addressing a person. Such appeals to duty for a person who is in acute grief are most often ineffective and usually cause misunderstanding and irritation in him. A person who feels in grief simply cannot understand why he owes something. He is in the depths of experiences, and he is also obliged to do something. This is perceived as violence, and convinces that he is not understood.

Of course, it is possible that the meaning of these calls is correct. But in this case, you should not say these words in the form of condolences, but it is better to discuss it later in a calm atmosphere, convey this idea when a person can understand the meaning of what was said.

Sometimes people try to express sympathy in poetry. This makes condolences pompous, insincerity and pretense and at the same time does not contribute to achieving the main goal - expressing sympathy and sharing grief. On the contrary, it gives the expression of condolences a touch of theatricality and play.

So if your sincere feelings of compassion and love are not expressed in a beautiful, perfect poetic form, then leave this genre for a better time.

Renowned grief psychologist A.D. Wolfelt also provides the following recommendations on what NOT to do when communicating with a person who is experiencing acute grief

The refusal of a grieving person to talk or offer help should not be regarded as a personal attack against you or against your relationship with him. We must understand that the person grieving at this stage cannot always correctly assess the situation, may be inattentive, passive, and be in a state of feelings that are very difficult for another person to assess. Therefore, do not draw conclusions from such a person’s refusals. Be merciful to him. Wait for him to get back to normal.

You cannot distance yourself from a person, deprive him of your support, or ignore him. A grieving person may perceive this as your reluctance to communicate, as a rejection of him or a negative change in attitude towards him. Therefore, if you are scared, if you are afraid to impose yourself, if you are modest, then take into account these characteristics of the grieving person. Don't ignore him, but go up and explain to him.

Don't be afraid of intense emotions and leave the situation. Sympathetic people are often frightened by the strong emotions of those grieving, as well as the atmosphere that develops around them. But, despite this, you cannot show that you are scared and distance yourself from these people. This may also be misunderstood by them.

You should not try to talk to those who are grieving without affecting their feelings. A person who experiences acute grief is in the grip of strong feelings. Attempts to speak very correct words, to appeal to logic, in most cases will not have results. This happens because at the moment the grieving person cannot reason logically, ignoring his feelings. If you talk to a person without affecting his feelings, it will be like talking in different languages.

You cannot use force (squeezing, grabbing hands). Sometimes sympathizers involved in grief may lose control of themselves. I would like to say that, despite strong feelings and emotions, it is necessary to maintain control over oneself in behavior with the grieving person. Strong displays of emotion, clenching in arms.

Condolences: etiquette and rules

Ethical rules state that “often the death of a loved one is notified not only to relatives and close friends who usually participate in funerals and memorials, but also to comrades and simply distant acquaintances. The question of how to express condolences - to participate in the funeral or to visit the relatives of the deceased - depends on your ability to participate in mourning ceremonies, as well as on the degree of your closeness to the deceased and his family.

If a mourning message is sent in writing, then the person receiving it should, if possible, personally take part in the funeral, visit the grieving family to express condolences in person, be with the grieving, offer help, and console.

But people who were not at the funeral ceremonies should also express their condolences. Based on tradition, a condolence visit should be made within two weeks, but not in the very first days after the funeral. When going to a funeral or condolence visit, you should wear a dark dress or suit. Sometimes a dark coat is simply worn over a light dress, but this is not supposed to be done. During a condolence visit, it is not customary to discuss any other issues not related to death, to speak tactlessly on abstract topics, remembering funny stories, or to discuss work problems. If you happen to visit this house again, but for a different reason, do not turn your visit into a repeated expression of condolences. On the contrary, if appropriate, next time try to entertain your relatives with your conversation, take them away from sad thoughts about the grief they suffered, and you will make it easier for them to return to the mainstream of everyday life. If a person cannot make a personal visit for some reason, then you need to send a written condolence, telegram, email or SMS message.”

Written expression of condolences

How condolences were expressed in letters. A brief excursion into history

What is the history of expressing condolences? How did our ancestors do it? Let's look at this issue in more detail. Here is what Dmitry Evsikov, an applicant on the topic “Worldview Aspects of Life” writes:

“In the epistolary culture of Russia in the 17th-19th centuries, there were letters of consolation, or letters of consolation. In the archives of Russian tsars and nobility you can find examples of consoling letters written to the relatives of the deceased. Writing letters of condolences (consolation) was an integral part of generally accepted etiquette, along with letters of information, love, instruction, and command. Letters of condolence were one of the sources of many historical facts, including chronological information about the causes and circumstances of people's deaths. In the 17th century, correspondence was the prerogative of kings and royal officials. Letters of condolences and letters of consolation belonged to official documents, although there are personal messages in response to events related to the death of loved ones. This is what the historian writes about Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (second half of the 17th century).
“The ability to enter into the position of others, to understand and take their grief and joy to heart was one of the best traits in the king’s character. It is necessary to read his consoling letters to Prince. Nick. Odoevsky on the occasion of the death of his son and to Ordin-Nashchokin on the occasion of his son’s escape abroad - one must read these sincere letters to see to what heights of delicacy and moral sensitivity this ability to be imbued with the grief of others could raise even an unstable person. In 1652, the son of Prince. Nick. Odoevsky, who was then serving as a governor in Kazan, died of a fever almost in front of the Tsar’s eyes. The tsar wrote to the old father to console him, and, among other things, wrote: “And you, our boyar, should not grieve too much, but you can’t, so as not to grieve and cry, and you need to cry, only in moderation, so that God don't make me angry." The author of the letter did not limit himself to a detailed story about the unexpected death and an abundant stream of consolations to his father; Having finished the letter, he could not resist adding: “Prince Nikita Ivanovich! Don’t worry, but trust in God and be reliable in us.”(Klyuchevsky V. O. Course of Russian history. Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (from lecture 58)).

In the 18th-19th centuries, epistolary culture was an integral part of everyday noble life. In the absence of alternative types of communication, writing was a means not only of transmitting information, but also of expressing feelings, emotions, and assessments, as in direct face-to-face communication. Letters of that time were very similar to a confidential conversation, based on speech patterns and emotional colors inherent in oral conversation, they reflected the individuality and emotional state of the writer. Correspondence allows one to judge the ideas and values, psychology and attitude, behavior and lifestyle, the circle of friends and interests of the writer, and the main stages of his life.

Among the letters related to the fact of death, 3 main groups can be distinguished.
The first group is letters announcing the death of a loved one. They were sent to relatives and friends of the deceased. Unlike later letters, the messages of that time were more an emotional assessment of the event of death than a carrier of factual information, an invitation to a funeral.
The second group is actually letters of consolation. They were often a response to a notification letter. But even if the mourner did not send a letter notifying him of the death of his relative, a consoling letter was an indispensable symbol of mourning and the generally accepted ceremony of remembering the deceased.
The third group is written responses to letters of consolation, which were also an integral part of written communication and mourning etiquette.

In the 18th century, historians note a significant weakening of interest in the topic of death in Russian society. The phenomenon of death, associated primarily with religious ideas, has faded into the background in secular society. The topic of death has to some extent become taboo. Along with this, the culture of condolences and sympathy was also lost; There is a void in this area. Of course, this also affected the epistolary culture of society. Letters of comfort have become part of formal etiquette, but have not completely disappeared from communicative culture. In the 18th-19th centuries, so-called “Pismovniki” began to be published to help those writing on difficult topics. These were guides for writing official and private letters, giving advice on how to write and format a letter in accordance with generally accepted canons and rules, and provided samples of letters, phrases and expressions for various life situations, including cases of death, expressions of condolences. “Consolation letters” is one of the sections of letter writers that gave advice on how to support the grieving person and express their feelings in a socially acceptable form. Consolation letters were distinguished by a special style, full of sentimentality and sensual expressions, designed to alleviate the suffering of the mourner and console his pain from loss. According to etiquette, receiving a letter of consolation required the recipient to write a response.
Here is an example of recommendations for writing letters of consolation in one of the 18th century letter books, “The General Secretary, or a new complete letter book.” (Printing house of A. Reshetnikov, 1793)
Letters of comfort “In this kind of letter, the heart must be touched and say one thing, without the help of the mind. ... You can disqualify yourself from any decent greeting, except for this, and there is no more praiseworthy habit than to console each other in sorrows. Fate inflicts so much misfortune on us that we would act inhumanely if we did not give each other such relief. When the person to whom we are writing indulges in her sadness excessively, then instead of suddenly holding back her first tears, we should mix our own; let's talk about the dignity of a friend or relative of the deceased. In this kind of letters one can use the features of moral teaching and pious feelings, depending on the age, morals and condition of the writer to whom they are writing. But when we write to such persons, who should rejoice rather than grieve over someone’s death, it is better to abandon such vivid ideas. I confess that it is not allowed to adapt to the secret feelings of their hearts in a frank manner: decency forbids this; Prudence requires in such cases to extend and leave great condolences. In other cases, one can speak more expansively about disasters that are inseparable from the human condition. In general, to say: what misfortunes does each of us not endure in this life? Lack of property forces you to work from morning to evening; wealth plunges into extreme torment and anxiety all those who want to collect and preserve it. And there is nothing more common than to see tears flowing over the death of a relative or friend.”

And this is what the samples of consoling letters looked like, given as examples for writing.
“My Empress! Not in order to appease you from your lamentation, I have the honor of writing this letter to you, for your sadness is very correct, but in order to offer you my services, and everything that depends on me, or better yet, to mourn with you in common the death of your dear husband. He was my friend and proved his friendship with countless good deeds. Judge, madam, whether I have any reason to regret him and to add my tears to your tears of our common sadness. Nothing can console my sorrow except perfect submission to God's will. His Christian death also approves of me, assuring me of the bliss of his soul, and your piety gives me hope that you too will be of my opinion. And although your separation from him is cruel, you should still be consoled by his heavenly well-being and prefer it to your short-lived pleasure here. Honor him by keeping him everlasting in your memory, imagining his virtues and the love he had for you in his life. Have fun raising your children, in whom you see him come alive. If sometimes it happens to shed a tear for him, then believe that I cry for him with you, and all honest people share their pity with you, among whom he acquired love and respect for himself, so that he will never be in their memory will not die, but especially in mine; because I am with special zeal and respect, my lady! Your…"

The tradition of condolences has not died in our time, when the culture of attitude towards death is in all respects similar to past centuries. Today we can still observe the absence in society of a culture of dealing with death, of an open discussion of the phenomenon of death and a culture of burial. The awkwardness experienced in relation to the very fact of death, expressions of sympathy, and condolences transfer the topic of death to the category of undesirable, inconvenient aspects of everyday life. Expressing condolences is more an element of etiquette than a sincere need for empathy. Probably for this reason, “writers” still exist, giving recommendations on how, what, in what cases, in what words to speak and write about death and sympathy. By the way, the name of such publications has not changed. They are still called "scribes."

Examples of letters of condolence for the death of various persons

About the death of a spouse

Expensive …

We deeply mourn the death... . She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and kind disposition. We miss her very much and can only imagine what a blow her passing was for you. We remember how she once... She involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better people. ... was a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.

About the death of a parent

Expensive …

… Even though I never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his thriftiness, love of life and how tenderly he cared for you, it seems to me that I knew him too. I think a lot of people will miss him. When my father died, I found comfort in talking about him with other people. I would be very glad if you shared your memories of your dad. Thinking about you and your family.

About the death of a child

... We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We wish we could find words to somehow ease your pain, but it’s hard to imagine if such words exist at all. The loss of a child is the most terrible grief. Please accept my sincere condolences. We are praying for you.

About the death of a colleague

Example 1. I was deeply saddened by the news of (name)'s death and would like to express my sincere sympathy to you and the other employees of your firm. My colleagues share my deep sadness at his/her passing.

Example 2. It is with deep regret that I learned about the death of the president of your institution, Mr. ..., who faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey to you my condolences for the loss of such a talented organizer.

Example 3. I would like to express to you our deep feelings regarding the death of Mrs.…. Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.

Example 4. We were deeply saddened to learn yesterday of the death of Mr...

Example 5. The news of the sudden death of Mr.... was a huge shock for us.

Example 6. We find it difficult to believe the sad news of the death of Mr...