Alexander Nikolaevich Medvedev “40 main psychological traps and ways to avoid them. Psychological traps and ways to avoid them

We constantly fall into the traps of our own psyche. Experts believe that psychological models that play cruel jokes on us were developed in the process of evolution.

Their purpose was to allow ancient man to quickly absorb information about the world around him and increase his chances of survival in a world full of dangers.

We have given here only some of the psychological effects to which almost all of us are susceptible.

Player error

Biased assessment of inaction

This psychological feature forces us to judge a certain harmful act, which entailed serious consequences, more strictly than an equally harmful inaction.

Impact of the result

When we fall into this type of psychological trap, we tend to judge a decision by its outcome rather than by its complexity or relevance in the context of time.

Rhyme Perception Effect

Depreciation of ideas

If a proposal was put forward by our opponent, we will consider it unsuccessful, or at least less successful than it actually is.

Resistance

Probably everyone has experienced the influence of this psychological effect, especially in adolescence - the desire to do everything in defiance, perceiving requests and advice (of one person or a group of people) as a restriction of personal freedom.

The effect of hostility

It is under the influence of this effect that we regard all the bad or failed deeds of people who are unpleasant to us as manifestations of the true qualities of their character, and everything good that these people do is perceived by us as a forced step or a simple accident.

The illusion of control

Because of this illusion, it seems to a person that he can control random events that are, in fact, beyond his control.

Hindsight effect

Falling under the influence of this effect, we begin to believe that the events of our past could have been predicted in advance.

False Consent Effect

The degree of agreement of others with our point of view is actually lower than we think.

Sameness of others as a delusion

A person is inclined to believe that his social circle consists of more versatile and different people, compared to the social circle of others.

False objectivity

We perceive reality as a single image, believing that our vision of reality is objective, and we consider those who agree with us to be reasonable. Those who disagree, from our point of view, are either ignorant or insufficiently informed.

Spotlight

We exaggerate the importance of our own actions in the eyes of other people.

Zeigarnik effect

This effect is that a person remembers interrupted actions better than completed ones.

Projection

We tend to deceive ourselves that others experience the same emotions and feelings that we do.

The effect of a familiar road

A person usually slightly exaggerates the time it takes him to travel a road that is unfamiliar to him. And vice versa: if the path is known to us, it seems to us that we will overcome it in a shorter time than we actually need.

Zero risk preference

Given the choice of reducing a small risk to zero or significantly reducing a large one, most of us will choose the former.

Blind spot

It seems to us that we fall into psychological traps less often than those around us.

What is a “psychological trap”

In ancient times, the Chinese, when crossing the jungle where tigers lived, wore a mask with a human face on the back of their heads. They knew that tigers have a habit of sneaking up on their prey unnoticed and ambushing it. Mistaking the mask on the back of his head for a human face, the tiger thinks that the person is looking at him and understands that it will not be possible to sneak up unnoticed.
If the tiger is not hungry or irritated, as a rule, in this case it does not attack. Thus, the tiger, making erroneous conclusions based on some information it receives, falls into a psychological trap set for it by man.

A psychological trap is a situation in which a person (or another living being), for one reason or another, does not have the ability to adequately perceive and evaluate incoming information, and acts in an erroneous manner, in particular, to his own detriment.

People fall into psychological traps when they make incorrect conclusions based on insufficient or incorrectly interpreted information, due to excessive emotional involvement in the situation, or for some other reason.

There are many types of psychological traps that people deliberately set for other people. These include Chinese stratagems, various methods of manipulation, fraud and deception. Having fallen into a trap set by others, a person, as a rule, sooner or later realizes his mistake. We will call psychological traps set by other people or by special circumstances external psychological traps. Life experience, intelligence and the ability to calmly collect and analyze information help us avoid external traps. Becoming a victim of external psychological traps is undoubtedly unpleasant and offensive, but it is incomparably worse and more dangerous to fall into internal psychological traps, that is, into traps that a person, without realizing it, sets for himself.

When a person gets caught in the web of his own wrong conclusions or misconceptions, he usually doesn’t notice it. Having made one erroneous action, he is forced to reinforce it with a series of new erroneous actions and conclusions. The further a person follows the path of wrong actions and false conclusions, the more difficult it is for him to turn away from this path. Admitting one small mistake, as a rule, is not difficult, but admitting your entire life strategy, your way of thinking and acting, is extremely difficult. Paradoxically, people on a subconscious level would rather be unhappy than wrong - this is how they maintain their self-esteem.

It is falling into their own psychological traps that leads people to neuroses and depression, makes them make the same mistakes over and over again, and feels suffering and lost.
The consequence of falling into internal psychological traps are all kinds of psychosomatic diseases, such as vegetative-vascular dystonia, headaches, insomnia, functional disorders of the gastrointestinal tract, etc. Errors in thinking and behavior characteristic of people who find themselves victims of internal psychological traps become the basis for the development of character flaws - personality traits that hinder spiritual growth and development, prevent one from establishing warm relationships with other people, achieving goals, and, ultimately, do not allow a person to feel satisfied with life and self-actualization. Some psychological traps begin to act as psychological defense mechanisms, then transforming into neurotic modes of behavior that deprive a person of the correct orientation and force him to act inappropriately, ineffectively and to the detriment of himself.

In this book we will list the main internal psychological traps and the steps that should be taken to avoid falling into them or to get out of them.

The Trap of a Positive Past

This is one of the most common traps that mostly people over 30 fall into.

Instead of living for today, a person remembers the past with nostalgic melancholy, dreaming of returning the “golden days of childhood,” first love, friends, the lost sense of lightness and carefreeness of life, etc. As a result, he has the feeling that “everything the best is already behind us,” that he will never be so happy again, and other thoughts of this kind.

Living in the past, a person not only wastes his emotional energy on nostalgic experiences, but also programs himself to the fact that “he will never feel so good again.” It is quite natural that under such conditions he has neither the strength nor the desire to look for positive experiences in real life, in the events occurring at the moment.

The countermeasure may not be selectively positive memories of the past, but more complete memories in which the good is adjacent to the bad, the pleasant to the unpleasant. This will help you understand that childhood or youth, like life at the present moment, in addition to pleasant experiences, was also filled with problems and conflicts.

Having remembered unpleasant episodes from the past, you should rethink your life strategy and understand that the problem is not that the present is worse than the past, but that a person immersed in nostalgic memories does not make active attempts to make his present better, to find more joys in it and opportunities.

Trap of a negative past

Falling into this trap, a person, instead of living in the present, becomes fixated on unpleasant memories of the past. Wasting his emotional energy on memories of past experiences, he, by analogy with the past, believes that what will happen next will not be better, and perhaps even worse.

Instead of finding positive aspects in the present, he, confirming his view of the world, looks first for the bad. Thus, he not only suffers in the present, but also programs himself for future troubles.

A countermeasure is to periodically perform exercises to recall pleasant episodes from the past in as much detail as possible. It is necessary to look for as many pleasant and positive moments as possible in the present. Learn to enjoy the little things - a sunny day, the taste of food, music, etc. Track the moments of your habitual return to painful memories of the past.
As soon as this happens, immediately switch your attention to your daily activities, to some pleasant thoughts or memories. Try to look optimistically into the future, imagine all sorts of joyful events that await you.

Another option to break the habit of dwelling on negative memories (like any other bad habit) is to punish yourself as soon as you start remembering past troubles. Choose your own punishment - it could be 20 squats, or multiplying two- or three-digit numbers in your head, or cleaning the apartment, etc.

It is advisable to choose an activity as punishment that can completely capture your attention, so that you are forced to disconnect from the memories. Periodic negative reinforcement will lead to the fact that gradually the habit of remembering past torments will come to naught. After the punishment, when you are distracted and stop thinking about the bad, do something pleasant for yourself as a reward - praise yourself, treat yourself to something tasty, or watch a comedy to get a charge of positive emotions.

The Trap of Negative Forecasting

This trap, which many people fall into, is set for us by none other than our own instinct of self-preservation. Thanks to civilization, man has gotten rid of almost all the dangers that threaten him in nature: he is not threatened by predators, hunger, thirst or cold, even diseases, with rare exceptions, are curable. As a result, the instinct of self-preservation, which remains practically out of work, but has not disappeared anywhere, switches from dangers that really threaten a person to imaginary dangers, and a person begins to imagine all sorts of troubles that have not yet happened, but may well happen.

The media also contribute to the strengthening of negative fantasies - from the news, which constantly talks about the horrors of our lives, to soap operas, whose characters suffer from the misfortunes that befall them with obsessive regularity. Empathizing with on-screen characters, some people become identified with them and begin to imagine that something similar could happen to them.

Experiencing imaginary future troubles, tragedies and disasters not only takes up a huge amount of energy, but also does not allow a person to focus on events occurring at the moment and effectively resolve current problems. In most cases, negative forecasts do not come true, but despite this, the damage has already been done.

Often the fear of what might happen, especially if it haunts a person for a long time, does more harm than the unpleasant event itself.

The countermeasure in this case is to control your thoughts. As soon as you notice that you are immersed in fantasies about a negative future, shift your attention to the present. Look for the good sides in life, try to think about positive things. It is impossible to predict the future, and worrying about what you don’t know is simply pointless.

Convince yourself that if any trouble happens, you will find a way to overcome it, and once you have overcome it, you will forget about it.

The trap of a rosy future (the trap of unfulfilled expectations)

This trap, which young people often fall into, can also be called the trap of unfulfilled expectations. The trap of a rosy future lies in overly optimistic expectations about the future and overestimation of one’s own capabilities.

In particular, most teenage girls imagine their future husband as handsome, attentive and wealthy, without thinking about what the real percentage of handsome, attentive and wealthy men is to the total male population, and how great the competition is in this regard.

As a person who adequately perceives reality gains life experience, ideas about his own capabilities and prospects change, becoming more objective, while a person who is trapped in a rosy future, not noticing the obvious, continues to soar in the clouds until painful disappointment will not bring him down to earth.

Disappointment in this case turns out to be much more severe and painful than it would be for a person who assesses reality more soberly. At the same time, the pain is caused not so much by the circumstances themselves that led to the collapse of hopes, but by the destruction of the carefully cherished and nurtured “picture of a rosy future.”

As a result, not too tragic life events can be perceived as a catastrophe, as “the end of everything,” although in reality this is not the end of life, not the future, but the end of an unrealistic dream about the future, which, you see, is a completely different matter.

The countermeasure in this case is the awareness that our life at any moment can change in one direction or another in the most unpredictable way. Instead of clinging to dubious fantasies about the future, increase your opportunities in the present, try to see and take advantage of the chances that life gives you, learn to be flexible and ready for change, and then, perhaps, over time, you will achieve even more than you wanted at the beginning, avoiding the pain and disappointments that arise from the collapse of unfulfilled expectations.

The trap of replacing reality with dreams

People who, for one reason or another, are not satisfied with the world around them, their position in this world, or themselves, often run away from reality, going into the world of fantasy. They imagine different situations in which they perform at their best. They can imagine themselves as beautiful, successful, strong, aristocratic, intellectual, conquerors of hearts, possessing unlimited power, etc. Someone indulges in fantasies in silence, deep down ashamed of them.

There are also pathological liars who are so close to their dreams that they tell fables about themselves to everyone they meet, and they themselves begin to believe that it is true.
In small doses, dreams of this kind are useful, however, replacing reality with imagination prevents one from effectively interacting with the outside world and people around him, does not allow a person to be in harmony with himself and receive a sufficient amount of positive emotions from the outside world.

People who waste their energy on fantasies miss out on many opportunities to improve their situation in the real world and make their lives richer and more fulfilling.

The countermeasure is to gradually reduce the time devoted to fantasies, as well as the search for new, more satisfying ways of communicating with the outside world, activities that bring positive emotions and increase the sense of self-esteem.

Techniques for interacting with the world that can be used in this case are described in our books “Formula of Happiness”, “Psychotechniques of Happiness” and “The Game Called Life”.

The trap of exaggeration (turning a fly into an elephant)

The human ability to suffer over the most seemingly insignificant things is truly amazing. Someone believes that all the misfortunes of his life are connected with the shape of his nose (short or too tall, acne on the face, a few extra pounds, etc.) Someone worries about the assumption that someone thinks badly of him ; someone is sure that his life has gone to pieces because of unhappy love or a mistake he once made in the past. Having one, or even several “personal tragedies” is in a certain sense very convenient: in this case, the blame for your own failures can always be blamed on something (or someone) else.

“If it weren’t for this damned nose, I would have become a famous actress long ago,” “if I had received my higher education on time, I wouldn’t have languished in this position,” etc. People who are inclined to “turn a molehill into an elephant,” and, in addition, , blaming other people or circumstances for their problems, at the same time fall into the trap of shifting responsibility, which will be discussed below.
The sufferer is in an advantageous position: those around him should sympathize with him, and he has every moral right not to take any action to correct the situation, since he is busy: he suffers. The habit of suffering for unimportant reasons, although it brings some psychological benefits, in the long term turns against you: being carried away by negative experiences, you lose the ability to act adequately and purposefully change your life for the better.

As a countermeasure, you can use a technique, the meaning of which is briefly formulated in the song from the cartoon “The Adventures of Captain Vrungel”: Whatever you call the yacht, that’s how it will float. Call the situation a tragedy or a catastrophe - and it will become a tragedy or a catastrophe. Call it normal circumstances and the problem ceases to be a problem, or at least loses some of its severity.

Focus not on an exaggerated emotional attitude towards the problem, but on finding ways to solve it. This will not only save your mental energy, but will also make your actions more effective.

The External Control Trap

Some people have a constant feeling that everything that happens to them is determined by external forces of one kind or another. People who believe that their lives are controlled from the outside by chance, fate, karma, circumstances or some external forces are called externalists. To a certain extent, we all depend on chance or on external circumstances, and this must be taken into account.

People with an exaggerated, overdeveloped sense of external control fall into the trap of external control. Confident that nothing or almost nothing depends on them, they tend to passively accept everything that happens to them and do not take the initiative in trying to achieve their dreams or change their lives in the desired direction.

They place the blame for their failures not on themselves, but on the fact that they do not have enough abilities, strength or will from birth, on bad luck, on “bad karma”, “the evil eye”, “the machinations of enemies”, etc.

The countermeasure is to realize that your destiny depends on you to a much greater extent than you realize. Think about what you would like to achieve, try to develop different strategies to achieve what you want. Start with the smallest and easiest things. The successes achieved will gradually strengthen your self-confidence.

The Internal Control Trap

The opposite of externals are internals, that is, people who are confident that they control their lives from the inside through their own efforts and actions. Internals, as a rule, turn out to be much more successful in life than externals. They consider failure to be an accident and, not despairing of the obstacles encountered along the way, they look for a more effective approach to accomplishing the tasks they have taken on. People with an overdeveloped idea of ​​internal control fall into the trap of internal control, confident that they can completely control their circumstances. Their self-confidence sometimes grows to such a level that it begins to threaten their own existence.

In particular, many young people who are confident in their ability to drive a car or motorcycle overestimate their abilities. Performing risky and dangerous maneuvers, they die or remain crippled for life.

Some internals feel within themselves a special “magical” power with which they believe they can control events or other people. They may believe that “God is supporting them” or that “fate is on their side,” etc.

The consequences of actions based on such confidence can be very destructive not only for their health, but also for their psyche. Having suffered a serious fiasco, internals may lose self-confidence and “break down.”

The countermeasure is the realization that there is a huge number of events that do not depend on us, on our will and good wishes. Having realized this fact, we should come to terms with the limitations imposed on us and, soberly assessing our capabilities, act effectively within their framework, without trying to change what cannot be changed or influence what cannot be influenced.

The trap of self-obstacles

Some people don't believe they can achieve success because they consider themselves weak, sick, lacking self-confidence, or traumatized by past experiences. Such people sometimes, without realizing it, create obstacles for themselves that prevent them from achieving what they want. The hidden purpose of such behavior is the subconscious protection of self-image, self-esteem.

A person who is afraid of failure primarily because of the painful feeling of humiliation that he experiences after being defeated prefers to attribute failure to certain external factors, but not to himself. He creates obstacles for himself so that he can later blame a possible failure on them and thus remain with his self-esteem.

If a person who has fallen into the trap of obstacles to himself, despite the difficulties he himself creates, by some miracle manages to achieve success, this success will strengthen his self-esteem, especially since he achieved it “in spite of the obstacles.” An example would be a student who, instead of studying for an exam, spends the night before it at a party. In this case, the student has the opportunity to attribute failure in the exam to insufficient preparation, and not at all to a lack of ability. Another example: a man approaches a girl he likes in an aggressive or insulting manner. In this case, he can attribute her negative reaction to the fact that “she imagines a lot about herself” or “does not understand what a real man is,” instead of doubting his masculine attractiveness.

The countermeasure in this case is to monitor situations in which you, through your own behavior, make it difficult for yourself to achieve your goal. Try to accept yourself as you are, without trying to embellish your own image.

There are no perfect people, and you, as you are, are essentially no better or worse than others. Consider failure not as a personal tragedy, not as a painful blow to pride, but as an experience from which you need to draw useful conclusions.

Don't let pride or ego get you down.

The trap of illusory relationship

People often make the mistake of perceiving random events as confirming their beliefs.
People most easily find connections not only where they expect to find them, but also where they want to find them. The desire to establish a pattern in certain random events is associated with the need for the existence of a certain orderliness in what surrounds us.

By attributing a reason to what is happening, we make events seem more predictable and controllable. Many people see special “signs” in random events that indicate to them how they should act, directing their destiny in certain ways. Lovers often see signs indicating that their meeting was destined by fate itself, and they were created for each other.

There may also be a negative relationship. A person who is afraid of getting cancer or dying may perceive the illness or death of a friend as a sign that he, too, will soon share his fate. Such voluntary self-deception in some cases can lead to very unpleasant consequences.

The counter-trick is to be more critical of inferences about a questionable relationship, especially if for some reason you want to identify the relationship or are afraid that it might exist.

The trap of “emptiness of life”

A significant number of people suffer from a feeling of chronic dissatisfaction with themselves and their existence, from a feeling of meaninglessness and emptiness of life.

The feeling of meaninglessness and emptiness of life can arise for a number of reasons, ranging from improper upbringing or psychological trauma received in childhood, and ending with a developed sense of duty, forcing a person to suppress his own deep needs and aspirations in order to complete a certain task or to comply with certain social norms.

The countermeasure in this case is the search and awareness of one’s own life meaning, which in many cases is far from a simple psychological task. Dissolving in everyday worries, behind which the main thing slips away, a person loses himself, loses touch with his inner self and, in the end, ceases to understand what is really important to him and what is not.

A feeling of the meaninglessness of life can also arise from a chronic lack of positive emotions, feelings of love and satisfaction from communicating with people and the world around us. You can learn about what you need to do in order to experience a significantly greater number of positive emotions and increase your level of satisfaction with life from our books “Formula of Happiness”, “Psychotechniques of Happiness” and “The Game Called Life”.

The trap of “living for others”

People who fall into this trap displace their inner emptiness by caring for another person. This could be a lover or spouse, relatives or children. Sometimes, under the guise of love and care, there is a need to control another person, to impose your will on him and thus keep him to yourself. A person who “lives as someone else” becomes psychologically dependent on this person, to the point of trying to “sit on his neck,” doing this in an open or veiled form.

In rare cases, a connection of this kind can function quite successfully, but, as a rule, sooner or later, the person with whom the void is being filled, tired of excessive pressure or for some other reason, tries to change the situation. In particular, this happens when older children try to get rid of parental care or leave the family. Having lost psychological support, a person who is trapped in “life for others” finds himself “at home.” He doesn’t know how to fill his life in the future. The consequence of this can be a severe psychological crisis, including a suicide attempt.
There may be accusations of ingratitude such as: “I gave you all my youth (life, health)”, attempts at manipulation by creating a feeling of guilt in the departed, etc.

The countermeasure is to recognize one's need to fill the emptiness of life by caring for another person, developing the ability to rely on oneself, and gradually moving from psychological dependence to mature love, when a person is loved for who he is and his freedom and decisions are respected which he accepts.

The trap of mindless thinking

People tend to have constant conversations with themselves, replay certain events in their heads, debate with some imaginary (or real-life) opponents, prove something to themselves, reproach themselves for something, etc.

A person falls into the trap of meaningless thoughts when unproductive obsessive thoughts, both negative and positive, capture a significant share of his attention, preventing him from fully perceiving signals emanating from the outside world and effectively interacting with people around him.

The countermeasure is to monitor meaningless thoughts and switch to more effective and useful activities. Having noticed that you have again begun to mentally “chew” a topic that has already been thought about more than once, try to switch from internal dialogue to the perception of the external world: focus on the sounds that you hear, on the objects or landscape that you see, on the sensation that your body experiences or your skin. You can focus on a conversation with someone, delving into the meaning of the phrases uttered by the interlocutor, catching the shades of his voice and mood, etc. Try to relax as much as possible and choose objects to shift your attention to, the perception of which gives you pleasure.

If unproductive thoughts turn out to be too intrusive and you cannot get rid of them by simply switching your attention to external objects, you can assign yourself a certain “punishment”: when obsessive thoughts arise, perform physical exercises (for example, push-ups or squats to the limit of your capabilities ). You can do mental exercises that require maximum concentration, for example, multiplying three-digit numbers in your head and do this until you realize that you have gotten rid of meaningless thoughts. The tendency to engage in meaningless, unproductive rumination is a habit, and like any habit, it can be broken through negative reinforcement (punishment). Such punishment, in particular, can be physical or intellectual exercises, if you have enough willpower to do them when meaningless thoughts appear.

The “labeling” trap

Learning something new, as we accumulate life experience, we create certain schematic ideas about objects and phenomena and subsequently act on the basis of these ideas. So, we know about fire, that it burns, and that food can be cooked on it. Different people have different ideas about fire, how it can be used, and what can be extracted from it. Someone may be afraid of the flame, while another person, on the contrary, will enjoy contemplating a burning fire.

“Labelling” is the creation of a simplified idea of ​​someone or something that is not subject to further clarification and revision. Imagine that, after seeing a person for the first time and talking to him a little, you decide that this person is stupid, ordinary or uninteresting, and subsequently, when you think about him or communicate with him, you act as if this is the case. By limiting yourself to a “label presentation,” you lose the opportunity to discover other previously unnoticed traits in a person and make your communication more complete and mutually beneficial. “Religion is the opium of the people”, “all women are fools”, “all men are brutes”, “happiness is in work”, “youth are irresponsible and devoid of moral values”, “all evil comes from Jews (communists, imperialists)” , etc. are typical shortcut ideas that prevent us from adequately assessing the situation and, accordingly, acting wisely and effectively.

As an example, consider the story of one of our friends (let's call her Alla). Alla claims that no matter how good, smart and sexy a man is, after three days of communication he ceases to be interesting to her both as an interlocutor and as a sexual partner. Alla has a tendency to “label”—creating in a short period of time a certain fixed idea about her partner. Having formed a certain image for herself, she calms down and feels satisfied: she “recognized” this person and cannot discover anything new for herself. It is quite natural that interest in a man is completely lost. Needless to say, getting to know someone in three days is an impossible task; often several years are not enough for this. Instead of enjoying communication, from gradual emotional rapprochement and recognition of her partner, Alla hastily creates some simple and sketchy image of a man, and, due to the loss of interest in him, makes a prediction that their relationship will not lead to anything special. It is not surprising that Alla, despite a large number of casual relationships, remained lonely. Now, in old age, she suffers from loneliness and regrets that she never got married, but, nevertheless, she is not going to reconsider her views.

A countermeasure is to monitor your own “label ideas” and try to look at the situation from a different perspective, expand your ideas with new information, or try to understand the point of view of people who have a different opinion from you on the same issue.

The trap of being loyal to your own ideals

The trap of being faithful to one’s own ideals is partly similar to the trap of “labeling,” but in this case, certain “simplified ideas” that are not subject to revision are embedded in the structure of the human personality.

There is nothing wrong with having certain ideals, the problem arises only when the ideals, created over a certain period of time and subsequently lost their meaning, do not allow us to act effectively or flexibly adapt to changes occurring in the world around us. Ideals like “devote your life to the struggle for world revolution” were widespread during a certain historical period and brought a lot of harm to both those who shared such views and those who did not share them.

A person who finds himself in the trap of loyalty to his own ideals, acting in accordance with his ideas, over and over again finds himself in an unpleasant situation or does not achieve the desired result. Imagine a family in which one of the spouses adheres to the belief that “if you make excuses, then you are to blame” and, as a matter of principle, never admits his mistakes. Suppose also that the other spouse believes that every decent person should be able to honestly admit his own mistakes, and that someone who does not admit his mistakes cannot be considered honest and trustworthy. What do you think the relationship between spouses will be like if each of them actively acts in accordance with their own ideals?

If it were always possible to act effectively on the basis of a relatively uncomplicated and practically unchangeable system of ideas, life would turn out to be too simple and uninteresting. There are times when, by making excuses, a person only worsens the situation in which he finds himself. In other situations, admitting your own guilt with an appropriate apology is the best way out. Obviously, there is no single rule for all situations, and the inflexibility of the position leads to losses.

A countermeasure to falling into the trap of being true to your own ideals is to monitor situations in which following your own ideals leads to negative results, realize that there are no “absolutely correct” ideals, and gradually revise your beliefs.

The Ideal Trap

From early childhood we are told what we should be and what we should not be. As a result, a person develops a certain “ideal image of himself,” that is, an image of the person he would like to become in order to please others.

In reality, the “ideal image of oneself” meets not so much the deep inner needs of the person himself, but is imposed on him from the outside. Deep in a person's soul lies the fear that if he does not live up to some ideal, he will not be loved. Striving for an ideal, a person subconsciously hopes that by becoming what he imagines his ideal to be, he will receive the love and support of others. The feeling of not meeting the ideal becomes a source of feelings of inadequacy, dissatisfaction with oneself and one’s life.

The countermeasure is to accept yourself as you are. Love yourself as you are, with all your inherent strengths and weaknesses. The desire to become better, smarter and stronger is a natural human desire. It is important not to confuse the natural and reasonable desire to improve oneself and the subconscious need to correspond to a certain ideal, especially if achieving this ideal is impossible or requires such a significant expenditure of effort that in the end “the game is not worth the candle.”

The trap of meaningless suffering

You've probably noticed that some people suffer because of things that other people don't pay attention to at all, or even use them as a reason to laugh at themselves. There are not many serious reasons for suffering in life, such as serious illness or death. As strange as it may sound, suffering is also a habit.

It is much easier to feel like a victim than to take responsibility for your own feelings and the consequences of your actions. The habit of suffering, as a rule, is formed in childhood when a child cries and, by demonstrating his torment, gets adults to fulfill his demands. If you are nervous about minor things, it means you lack the will and wisdom to reconsider your attitude towards things that irritate you. Although feeling and expressing suffering provides some benefits, over time the negative consequences of the habit of suffering, expressed in decreased vitality, deterioration of health and loss of joy in life, significantly outweigh the benefits of the victim position.

The countermeasure is to ask yourself the question: “why.” “Why am I suffering?” Many reasons for suffering can be invented, however, suffering, as a rule, has no meaning. It is possible that, upon reasonable reflection, you will come to a conclusion approximately as follows: “The habit of suffering brings me nothing but harm. Perhaps I have reasons for such feelings, but tormenting myself with painful experiences will not make it better. It makes more sense to direct my energies to improving the situation in which I find myself, and to correct what can be corrected, than to spend my life on meaningless torment.”

The trap of illusory happiness

Many people believe that if they achieve a certain goal, they will finally be completely happy. In the vast majority of cases they are wrong. If the goal is achievable, the joy of achieving it ends quite quickly, and for some reason the desired happiness never comes. A person creates a new goal for himself, after which, as he believes, he will become “ultimately happy,” and everything repeats again.

It also happens that it turns out to be impossible to get something “necessary for happiness,” and the thought of it becomes a source of sadness, or even depression. Chasing the “blue bird of happiness” may seem exciting for some time, but years pass, the “bird” is not caught, bitterness accumulates in the soul, and life seems “lived in vain.” Happiness is a state of mind that a person has here and now, at the moment. Until a person learns to enjoy what he has, what surrounds him; Until he gets rid of the illusion that happiness will come only after he does or receives such and such, he cannot be happy.

The counter-trick is to develop the ability to enjoy the present moment, what you have and what surrounds you. Instead of indulging in illusory dreams about the future, concentrate on all the good things you have now - friendship, love, nature, walks, good films, etc. Techniques for achieving happiness and mental well-being are described in more detail in our books “Formula Happiness", "Psychotechniques of Happiness" and "A Game Called Life".

The analogy trap

This trap is most easily illustrated with the help of a well-known joke: Two women and a man are traveling in a train compartment. The women talk very loudly and laugh like crazy. The man has a headache, he is trying to sleep, but because of their screams it is impossible to do so. The man addresses women very politely. “Excuse me, could you speak more quietly,” he asks. “It’s late, my head hurts a lot, and I’d like to sleep.” - Just listen to him! – one of the women shouts indignantly. – He claims that we, you see, talk too loudly! So he can say that we bark like dogs. Does he think we are dogs? Citizens, help, they called me a bitch!

People who look for certain “signs”, hidden symbols in some words or incidents fall into the trap of analogies. Thus, a candle extinguished by a gust of wind can suggest the frailty of human existence, or even imminent death. The tendency to create negative analogies leads to sadness and even depression. Actions based on incorrect analogies, as a rule, turn out to be ineffective or lead to the opposite of the desired results.

A counter-technique is to monitor emerging analogies, primarily negative ones that cause you negative emotions, irritation, or encourage you to take actions with a questionable outcome. A careful analysis of these analogies will allow you to understand why they arise and what they reflect. Positive analogies that lift your spirits are also recommended to be tracked and used to generate positive emotions. Moreover, one can deliberately create a number of positive analogies, associating some pleasant experiences with certain symbols or actions. For example, spring may remind you of the awakening of life and love, the smell of fresh baked goods - of the comfort of home, the smile of a stranger - that there are kind and happy people in the world, etc. The more positive analogies you create, the You will receive great joy from interacting with the world around you.
The Mind Reading Trap

The Mind Reading Trap is somewhat similar to the analogy trap, but in this case the person assumes that other people think and act in the same way as he does.

In fact, people's belief systems vary even more than fingerprints. Each word is reflected in a person’s mind in a special way. Two different people even imagine such a simple word as “pencil” differently, what can we say about abstract concepts such as “love”, “obligation”, “decency”, “good”, “evil”, etc. .

There are two ways to fall into the “mind reading” trap:
1. Believe (by analogy with yourself) that you know what another person is thinking, feeling, and why he is acting in one way or another, in other words, being confident that you are able to “read his thoughts.”
2. Believe that the other person is able to “read your thoughts,” that is, guess your unspoken desires, unspoken reproaches, unexpressed needs and will act in the proper (satisfactory) manner.

A person who falls into the trap of “mind reading” draws erroneous conclusions and, acting on the basis of these conclusions, does not achieve the desired results. The fact that his forecasts are not justified, and unexpressed desires are not satisfied, causes irritation, and even aggression, directed at the “offender”, who does not feel any guilt, and therefore, in turn, feels offended. Problems associated with the mind reading trap most often arise between close people or family members.

The counter-trick is to realize that each person thinks differently. Monitor situations in which you consider yourself a “mind reader” or believe that another person should “read your mind.” Try to achieve a more complete understanding, express your desires and needs clearly and clearly. Don't get annoyed if the other person thinks differently, try to understand his point of view. This will help you avoid mistakes and maintain peace of mind.

Guilt trap

Almost all of us are familiar with the painful feeling of guilt. For some, this feeling is short-term, while others experience a vague feeling of guilt that accompanies it most of the time. It also happens that a person suffering from guilt is not able to accurately determine its cause. When we feel guilty, we believe that this feeling is justified - after all, we have done something wrong.

A person caught in the trap of guilt can lead himself to deep depression. In fact, the feeling of guilt is as meaningless as psychological suffering (see the trap of meaningless suffering) - it does not make anyone better. Guilt occurs when a person's actions do not correspond to his self-image or idea of ​​what he should be (see ideal trap). For this reason, a countermeasure that helps get rid of feelings of guilt is to accept yourself as you are, that is, to bring your ideas about yourself into line with reality.

A countermeasure is also the realization that it is impossible to change the past, an understanding of the meaninglessness of torment over your actions once committed under the influence of certain circumstances. You are no longer the same person you once were. You have different experience, different views. Accept your past mistakes as a given, as a natural stage of your development, and do not be tormented by them. Take better care not to make similar mistakes in the present.

Debt trap

The debt trap is a type of the loyalty trap. In this case, “simplified ideas” that are not subject to revision are embedded in the structure of the human personality and are associated with an exaggerated sense of duty in relation to something or someone (Motherland, parents, nature, suffering children of Ethiopia, etc., etc. ).

In certain situations, an exaggerated sense of duty forces a person to act to the detriment of himself, to sacrifice the most precious thing he has, even his own life, for some ideological or patriotic reasons. As an example, we can recall Pavlik Morozov, who betrayed his own father because of loyalty to the ideas of the revolution, or other heroes of Soviet literature who killed their lovers because they adhered to different ideological views. Over time, the ideology of society changes, previous views begin to seem stupid or ridiculous, and one can only regret the sacrifices made in the past, which now seem meaningless.

A person with a hypertrophied sense of duty becomes an easy prey for various manipulators who exploit his sense of duty to achieve their goals. Such manipulators are often family members, acquaintances or work colleagues. According to Taoist philosophy, “no one owes anyone anything in this world.” This unusually wise aphorism does not mean that a person should not take care of his family members or worry about the fate of his homeland. Another thing is that in his actions a Taoist is guided not by the formal dictates of duty, but by the dictates of his heart, which makes him free from the shackles of limiting ideas. Believing that no one owes anyone anything, the Taoist, in turn, does not demand certain actions from others towards himself, and perceives any manifestation of help or friendliness as a gift, and not as a formal fulfillment of certain obligations.

The countermeasure is to monitor the automatic reactions in which a sense of duty reflexively takes over, carefully analyze the possible consequences of your actions, taking into account all the pros and cons, and re-evaluate the corresponding unnecessarily rigid ideas.

The trap of unjustified responsibility

This trap is essentially close to the debt trap, but if a sense of duty in relation to certain things is embedded in the basis of our system of ideas, we take responsibility for something or someone ourselves. An adequate sense of responsibility, the ability to accept responsibility for one’s actions, is extremely important for a person. This sense of responsibility is characteristic of a healthy, effectively functioning individual.

People who take responsibility for something that is not really their responsibility fall into the trap of unjustified responsibility. In particular, the famous phrase of Saint-Exupery from “The Little Prince”: “we are responsible for those we have tamed” often becomes a tool of manipulation in love or family relationships: “you tamed me (tamed) - now be responsible for this to the end of their days." In some cases, people feel responsible for things that have no real connection with them. Thus, children may feel responsible for the sins of their fathers; Germans born after the Second World War - responsible for genocide against Jews; people living in abundance may feel responsible for the famine in Africa, etc. This kind of idea of ​​​​responsibility is unconstructive and in most cases only leads to a meaningless and unproductive waste of nervous energy.

A countermeasure is to monitor situations in which a person feels unjustifiably responsible; awareness of the consequences of actions that he commits under the influence of a sense of unjustified responsibility, and, if these consequences contradict his true interests, a revision of relevant ideas.

The trap of passing the buck

People tend to consider their successes the result of their own merits and efforts, however, for their failures they prefer to blame anyone and anything, but not themselves. It could be “a bad day”, “the machinations of envious people”, “bad karma”, “fate”, “an unfortunate coincidence of circumstances”, etc.

Indeed, there are accidents in life that we cannot control, however, most of the troubles that happen to us are the result of our behavior. Blaming others or fate, shifting responsibility for their failures onto them, a person does not gain useful experience from these failures, does not try to find their true causes and change his behavior in such a way as to avoid similar mistakes in the future. A negligent student who attributes poor grades to the partiality or bad temper of the teachers will remain a negligent student and will most likely become a negligent employee later on. A woman who makes scandals for her fans with or without reason, and explains the next breakup by the insensitivity or irresponsibility of a man, will eventually find herself alone. By shifting responsibility to others, a person deprives himself of the opportunity to learn from his own mistakes and improve. As a result, he suffers failure after failure, becoming increasingly disillusioned with life and the people around him.

The counter-trick is to monitor the tendency to shift responsibility to others. In each case, try to understand where you made a mistake and what you need to do to avoid repeating what happened in the future.

Auto Sequence Trap

Most people try to be consistent in their actions, words and thoughts. There are three reasons for this:
1. Consistency is generally highly valued by others and is associated with intelligence, rationality, stability and honesty, while inconsistency is considered a negative personality trait. It comes to the point that in some cases consistency of behavior receives more approval than being right.
2. Consistent behavior contributes to solving various problems of daily life.
3. By acting consistently, a person saves himself from the need to evaluate newly received information and can act on the basis of previously made decisions, which saves him from additional expenditure of effort.

The decision to take a certain position or to undertake certain obligations, even if wrong, tends to be “self-supporting.” People begin to come up with new reasons and excuses to stay in their positions, even when circumstances change. As a result, their chosen course of action turns against them. Manipulators of various kinds often take advantage of the tendency towards automatic sequence. By forcing a person in one way or another to take a certain position or make some kind of commitment, they take advantage of the fact that it is difficult or uncomfortable for him to change his behavior. It also happens that a person, for some reason, forces himself to take a certain position, and, despite the undesirable consequences for himself, continues to adhere to it. In particular, the “loyalty to one’s own ideals” trap is a variation of the “automatic consistency trap.”

The countermeasure is to become aware of the hidden mechanisms of the desire for automatic consistency and, if the actions resulting from the automatic sequence turn out to be ineffective or do not lead to a feeling of internal satisfaction, review and change your position.

The trap of striving for the opposite

Most people, when they try to achieve something from them by applying direct pressure, resist the pressure and act in the opposite way, not because it is beneficial for them, but purely automatically - out of a spirit of contradiction.

A typical example is the relationship between parents and stubborn children - in order to get their way, parents sometimes have to pretend that they want exactly the opposite. A person may fall into his own trap of seeking the opposite, acting to his own detriment out of the pure spirit of contradiction, or he may fall into a trap set by others. To do this, it is enough for manipulators to force him to take actions opposite to those desired. A well-known trick is that if you want to know something that a person prefers to keep silent about, start feigning indifference or contradicting him in a conversation, and he will lay out the necessary information himself.

The countermeasure is to monitor automatic reactions in which the spirit of contradiction takes over, and think freely about which line of behavior is more preferable.

The trap of primitive automatism

People fall into the trap of primitive automatism who, when making a decision regarding something or someone, instead of making the most of all available information, take into account only one element of the whole, to which they attach excessive importance, for example, judging a stranger by a separate detail of appearance or the way you dress. Focusing on an isolated piece of information, people often make quite serious mistakes.

People can be lured into the trap of primitive automatism by manipulators of various kinds, using the stereotype of primitive automatism for their own purposes. For example, a person who is offered a certain scarce product may pay attention to the emphasis that the product is in short supply and buy it, without thinking about the fact that the quality of the product leaves much to be desired, or that he actually does not need this product at all. In everyday life, reactions of primitive automatism are useful for saving time and effort, however, it is important to be able to distinguish situations in which it is necessary to more fully evaluate all available information.

A counter-technique is to monitor your own reactions of primitive automatism in cases where following them can lead to undesirable consequences for you, and a comprehensive assessment of the situation.

Obsession Trap

Giving in to the power of a strong feeling, too strong a desire, or being under the power of a certain idea, a person can enter a state of obsession, and this makes him dangerous - both for others and for himself.

During the period of obsession, a person develops a dominant - an excitation center in the brain, suppressing all other desires and needs, ignoring resistance that only further strengthens it, redistributing forces and driving the person in one direction - given by the dominant. While passionately pursuing something, a person loses sight of his other needs, less pronounced, but no less important. The meaning of life for him becomes the struggle to achieve a goal, having achieved which, he, as a rule, loses interest in it and often subsequently regrets the opportunities and wasted forces lost in the process of struggle. Dominants that are harmful to you arise during the period of love passion, during the period of irresistible craving for impulsive purchases, craving for games, obsession with hatred, anger, etc.

The counter-technique is to track dominants, following which does not coincide with your real interests, and eliminate or weaken them. The dominant disappears in two cases:
1) If the need inherent in this dominant is satisfied;
2) If another dominant arises that can push the first one into the background.
In the teachings of Shou-Dao (one of the currents of Taoism), meditation of “memories of what did not exist” is used to eliminate or weaken dominants. This meditation is performed when, for some reason, a person cannot satisfy some important or dominant need. It consists in a detailed presentation of the process of satisfying a need and the results of this satisfaction. When done correctly, such meditation can significantly relieve the tension arising from dissatisfaction.

Another way to get rid of a dominant is distraction, that is, the creation of another dominant that pushes the original one into the background. For example, a person who is overcome by anger or some other strong feeling may expend excess energy by engaging in sports or physical activities that require full concentration and effort. If the dominant is not very strong, you can switch to any other type of activity that interests you.

The Trap of Seeking Perfection

Many people look for perfection - in love, in friendship, in actions, in things or in the world around them and, not finding it, feel deceived and disappointed. In a pointless search for perfection, they can spend their whole lives being upset that they do not find what they are looking for, instead of enjoying the good things that life gives them.

A countermeasure for escaping the trap of seeking perfection is the advice given by the wise hermit in the Show-Taoist parable called “From parts, create a whole.”
One day a wanderer came to the hermit and, having performed the greeting ritual, asked to guide him on the path of Truth.
“I know what occupies your thoughts and steals the joys of life,” said the hermit.
– All your life you have been looking for perfection in people and, without finding it, you cannot find peace. But I know the cure for your illness. In communicating with everyone, you should look only for what you like, complementing the qualities of one with the features of another and the properties of a third. Then in a dozen men you can find a good friend, and in a dozen women - Great Love...
Of course, the hermit’s advice should be considered not only in relation to love, but also to everything else.

The Avoidance Trap

Avoiding a frightening situation, an awkward or unpleasant situation seems tempting, sometimes so tempting that a person does not pay attention to the fact that the consequences of such avoidance are much more painful than meeting the danger or trouble face to face.

Avoidance, starting with small things, eventually turns into a habit, which is reinforced by the pleasant feeling of relief that arises when we manage to avoid a situation that bothers us in one way or another. Having lied about a minor matter in order to avoid condemnation and felt relieved that this lie “saved” him, a person will continue to lie on more and more important occasions and in the end will suffer because of his own lies. A person who suddenly feels dizzy and has palpitations in a crowd may become afraid of having a heart attack and begin to avoid crowded places - traveling on the subway, on public transport, and over time, this method of avoidance will reach the level of phobia. A woman whose stomach growled during her first date with a man she liked may experience a crippling fear of “embarrassing herself” again. She begins to painfully fixate on the processes occurring in her stomach, and due to growing nervousness, the rumbling repeats again. The fear of another “shame” may lead her to begin to avoid first the men she likes, and then all other men.

The habit of avoidance sooner or later turns against us. Thus, a person who is afraid of dentists and puts off a visit to the dentist until the last minute will not get rid of toothache, but will bring his teeth to such a deplorable state that some of them will have to be removed. Most of our fears about the possible unpleasant consequences of a particular situation are extremely far-fetched, arising as a result of falling into the trap of negative forecasting.

The counter-trick is to monitor situations in which we are tempted to avoid something when, in reality, such avoidance is not in our best interest. The main thing is not to try to deceive yourself, convincing yourself that avoiding a disturbing situation is more profitable for you than facing it face to face.

Remember a very simple but important rule. By avoiding small dangers, you expose yourself to big dangers. By avoiding small troubles, you expose yourself to big troubles. By avoiding a little pain, you risk a lot of pain. Meeting troubles face to face is also a habit. In this case, the pleasure that reinforces the habit is not the relief of avoidance, but the satisfaction of being able to cope with circumstances, of increased self-esteem, and of the feeling that you can control yourself by conquering senseless fear. Start small, praise yourself every time you avoid falling into the avoidance trap, and gradually you will develop the habit of solving problems instead of avoiding them.

The trap of illusory justice

People who have strong ideas about what is fair and what is not fall into the trap of illusory justice.

The most active of these people, who have clearly defined ideals of justice, become “fighters for justice” and fill the emptiness of their lives with this struggle. More passive advocates of justice do not engage in open struggle, but only become upset or outraged when faced with what they perceive as injustice to them or to someone else. Negative emotions from a sense of injustice gradually accumulate; a person becomes increasingly irritated by some seemingly unfair little things, which leads to disappointment, a feeling of one’s own powerlessness and the conclusion that the world is not structured as it should. This feeling prevents you from adequately contacting the outside world and enjoying life. It is obvious that what seems fair to the wolf will be the highest injustice on earth for the lamb. However, the way the world works is that wolves eat lambs. This is neither fair nor unfair, it is just par for the course. The same situation applies to everything else. The world is not structured according to the principle of justice, but according to the principle of survival, therefore what happens in the world is not what seems fair to us, but what should happen according to the laws of nature and evolution. In the name of justice, crimes, revolutions and murders are committed, and the struggle for justice takes away a person’s strength and health.

As a rule, a long struggle for justice ends in disappointment and cynicism. The fact that there has not been, is not, and will not be justice in the world, as a rule, becomes clear too late, when it is difficult, if not impossible, for a person to develop a new life strategy that is more useful for him. Another negative consequence of falling into the justice trap is the subconscious (or conscious) belief of many people that sooner or later there must be a “retribution for sins.” For this reason, a misfortune that has befallen someone (or yourself) can be considered as a kind of “highest punishment”, which forms on a subconscious level not a sympathetic, but a negative attitude towards people who have been subjected to the blows of fate (including oneself ).

A counter-technique to combat the justice trap is to try to look at the same situation from the point of view of different people, different nations, different religions, from the point of view of nature, evolution, animals or plants. Once you realize that ideas about justice from different perspectives are partially or even completely contradictory, you may become less concerned about justice and learn to accept the world as it is.

The Trap of Inflated Goals

A person who has clearly defined life goals knows what he wants and is able to develop a more or less effective strategy for achieving these goals. All this is true for specific and realistically achievable tasks.

People who fall into the trap of an inflated goal are those who set goals that are practically unattainable or so abstract that it is generally unclear what needs to be done to achieve them, and how to determine whether the goal has been achieved or not. An example of an abstract goal could be the goal “to become internally free”, “to achieve enlightenment”, “to find an ideal”, “to rise spiritually”, “to renounce the base pleasures of life”, “to fight for the happiness (salvation) of all mankind”, etc. A somewhat less abstract, but equally unattainable goal may be the goal of making some great discovery (no matter what), becoming the first, the best, the most famous, finding the blue bird (the philosopher's stone, the meaning of life), etc.

The advantage of a lofty goal is that it is so difficult and unattainable that no one will dare blame you for not achieving it yet. If you said you were going to graduate from college and failed miserably in your first year, people will think you're a failure. At the same time, who would dare to call a loser a person who has been “searching for himself” or “striving for spiritual perfection” for decades? He is still on his way, for which honor and praise be given to him!

The problem with a person who falls into the trap of having an inflated goal is that after spending a long time trying to achieve it (or talking about how he wants to achieve it), he ends up with a broken trough, regretting the opportunities that he , striving for this goal, I missed.

The countermeasure is an adequate assessment of your goals and the possibilities of achieving them, as well as a revision of your views if the pursuit of some goals does not make sense or does not bring you real benefit.

Catastrophism Trap

The trap of catastrophism is similar to the trap of negative forecasting, differing from it in the degree of exaggeration of the consequences of an imaginary danger or disaster.

In a person who falls into the trap of catastrophism, under the influence of fear of possible trouble, consciousness narrows almost to a point, depriving him of the ability to think and act rationally, and fully use his capabilities.

Imagine a person who is terrified of failure during a job interview. He is afraid that he will not be able to show himself in the best way, that they will make a bad impression of him, consider him worthless, etc. Overcome by fear, he imagines that failure at an interview is almost a disaster of his whole life, although in reality even if someone will think badly of him, or if he doesn't get hired, that's not the end of everything. It is possible that a little later he will find an even better job. It is quite natural that during the interview the nervousness of this person intensifies even more, finally depriving him of the ability to concentrate and coherently express his thoughts. Loss of ability to concentrate further increases nervousness. This creates a vicious circle. As a result, nervousness and fear grow endlessly. A person fails not because of a lack of opportunity or ability, but because of being preoccupied with the fear of an imaginary catastrophe, which in reality is not a catastrophe.

The countermeasure is to realize that it makes no sense to elevate relatively minor problems to the level of disasters. Even if you fail at something, life goes on and sooner or later you will definitely get lucky. As soon as the problem loses its significance for you, the fear or nervousness will disappear on its own. You can also, as a counterbalance to the negative imagination, over and over again play out in your mind the best possible scenario for you and tune in to it, and not to failure.

The Trap of Sacrifice

People fall into the trap of sacrifice if, for one reason or another, they believe that the meaning of their existence lies in sacrificing themselves for the sake of something or someone: for the sake of a loved one, for the sake of an idea, for the sake of saving someone’s life, for the sake of a bright future for all humanity, for the sake of preserving the endangered species of weevils, etc.

The tendency to sacrifice, which is a consequence of the social instinct, in reasonable doses is natural and useful - a person who does not care at all about those around him and about the world in which he lives is unlikely to enjoy the respect and support of other people.

A person falls into the trap of sacrifice when the tendency to sacrifice himself comes into sharp conflict with his own interests. A woman who, “for the sake of preserving the family,” year after year tries to return her hopeless alcoholic husband to normal life, may do this because she falls into the trap of sacrifice, although there are other reasons - fear of change, fear of loneliness, etc.

The countermeasure is to reassess the situation, to soberly and calmly consider the advisability of further sacrificing oneself. Think about your own interests. If until now, sacrificing yourself, you have constantly remained a loser, it makes sense to choose a different line of behavior.

Victim Trap

A person who falls into the trap of a victim constantly feels like a victim of someone or something: relatives, ill-wishers, envious people, circumstances, etc. He constantly suffers for one reason or another, complains about life, feels sorry for himself and - directly or indirectly - forces others to show understanding and compassion towards him.

Despite the obvious shortcomings, in some ways this position is very convenient: the victim’s self-esteem does not suffer - after all, it would seem that the misfortunes that befall her are not her own fault. A person in the position of a victim relieves himself of additional burdens - what a demand from a suffering person - and, in addition, receives sympathy and support from others.

The countermeasure is to become aware of the psychological trap, understand that being a victim makes you weak and deprives you of many opportunities, monitor the moments when you enter into the role of a victim or use it, and gradually change your behavior to a more life-affirming and positive one.

The trap of self-examination

The trap of self-digging is partly similar to the trap of meaningless thinking, differing from it in that obsessive meaningless thinking is associated with “digging” in one’s own inner world. The tendency to self-examination is more characteristic of the circles of the intelligentsia, whose representatives sometimes see in this a kind of “spirituality,” the desire to “know yourself,” “spiritually cleanse yourself,” etc. Directed in the right direction, the desire to “know yourself” or “ self-improvement” is undoubtedly useful. It increases a person's self-esteem and increases his capabilities.

The trap of soul-searching manifests itself in the fact that the person who falls into it, instead of real personal growth, only “chews” his internal problems, getting bogged down in them deeper and more hopelessly. Constant immersion in the inner world does not allow him to establish normal contacts with other people and fully perceive the world around him.

The countermeasure is a gradual switch from the inner world to the perception of the outside world, to establishing closer contact with people around you, etc. You can get more detailed recommendations on this topic from our book “The Game Called Life.”

Form trap

People tend to automatically attribute a good obsession to a beautiful form. According to psychologists' studies, people sincerely believe that a handsome person undoubtedly has attractive character traits, and that, other things being equal, beautiful people are happier, sexier, more sociable, smarter and luckier than others. A product in beautiful packaging is more readily purchased than a discreetly packaged product of the same or even better quality.

A person who falls into the trap of form automatically judges the content by the form, without trying to understand the essence of the matter, and often makes serious mistakes. This is especially clear in love. Often passion, accompanied by insanity, even murder or suicide, is the result of falling into the trap of form.

A countermeasure is to track cases of automatic response to the form of an object or phenomenon in the case where the consequences of such a response are significant enough for you, and to evaluate it more objectively. Remember “all that glitters is not gold.” Even when you are fascinated by the form, try to discern the essence behind it.

The trap of the familiar (ordinary)

As a rule, people prefer familiar and familiar things. The desire to learn new things weakens over time, and gradually they limit their lives to the framework of the familiar and ordinary. This makes people less flexible and prevents them from adapting to changes in the world. For the same reason, people choose actions and methods of getting what they want that have been “tested” at least once, even if these methods are not the best.

A woman who, since childhood, has become accustomed to being capricious and getting what she wants with the help of a scandal, will subsequently automatically begin to use this previously worked tactic with her husband, even if such behavior will lead to a deterioration in the relationship. Often, women of this type do not even think that they can behave differently, and they continue to act in a way that is familiar and familiar to them until they lead to a break. By rejecting the unfamiliar, judging or fearing the unfamiliar, people deprive themselves of many valuable opportunities.

A countermeasure is to search for new ways of acting if habitual and practice-tested stereotypes of behavior are not very effective. To get rid of the routine, try to periodically get new experiences, discover something new and unusual.

The Trap of Unconscious Blindness

A person trapped in unconscious blindness does not notice things that are obvious or on the surface. This happens for various reasons - due to excessive self-absorption, due to the tendency to “label” and automatically react; because of the desire to see things not as they are, but as they would like to be seen.

Unconscious blindness can also be a defense mechanism in the case when contradictory or logically incompatible ideas simultaneously coexist in the human psyche. Trying to alleviate the tension arising from contradictions, a person selects from the information received only that part that helps him maintain mental balance. Falling into the trap of unconscious blindness can result in serious mistakes when making important life decisions. As a rule, it can be extremely difficult for a person to realize without outside help that he is trapped in unconscious blindness.

As a countermeasure, listen to other people's opinions. If at the moment when they say that you are mistaken, a specific feeling of irritation arises in your soul, of active rejection of someone else’s opinion, this may indicate that your subconscious automatically rejects an option that does not suit you in some way. Listen to your feelings, try to understand the reason for internal opposition to another point of view, try to consider as carefully and objectively as possible the opinion that causes strong internal resistance in you.

The Global Thinking Trap

People who fall into the trap of global thinking do not know how to divide a problem into individual components. To paraphrase a well-known saying, they “can’t see the trees for the forest.” Such people, instead of correctly setting priorities and developing a sequence for solving their problems, often combine all the problems existing in their lives into some kind of gigantic and, accordingly, insoluble problem, after which they fall into despair, from which one step to depression. Such people are characterized by thoughts like: “My life is one complete failure,” “No matter how hard I try, nothing will work.” Global thinking paralyzes the will and leads to a complete loss of motivation. The idea of ​​having to do many things at the same time makes it difficult to select and solve specific issues.

The countermeasure is awareness of the problem, which will be followed by developing the habit of dividing global tasks into more specific ones and clearly planning the order of solving small specific tasks. For example, the global task: “I want to have friends” can be divided into more specific ones:
1. Visit companies more often and meet new people.
2. Be friendly.
3. Invite new acquaintances to visit or to a cafe.
4. Find common interests with people, etc.

The topic of psychological traps will be discussed in more detail in our books “Psychological Traps and Techniques for Manipulating Personality” and “Life Strategies”.

Alexander Nikolaevich Medvedev

Practical psychology, or How to find the key to any person. 1000 tips for all occasions Klimchuk Vitaly Alexandrovich

How to recognize psychological traps in everyday communication?

About traps and their role in our lives. Types of psychological traps. How to get out of each of them?

Yes, I myself don’t know what happened... So every time - you start saying one thing, you think that you will say both arguments and counterarguments... And somehow he will take it and turn everything upside down. And you sit and nod - because he’s telling the truth, you won’t object...

Yeah. I always walk away after such a conversation and think: here it was possible to say so, but here he is definitely wrong. And how could I agree with this?

There was a pause between the speakers for a moment, and then the first one, a tall guy with long white hair and a backpack over his shoulders, stopped. And he hit himself on the forehead with his fist.

What are you doing? - asked the second, a short-haired brunette of average height.

What happened?

I understood what we need to do. What are we doing before meeting him?

I'm sorry, what? Let's get ready. We think.

Yeah. And he? Is it getting ready too?

I think no…

Here! Because of this, he can catch us. Let's do this tomorrow...

The topic of communication pitfalls is initially quite unpleasant. I immediately remember all those situations in which I couldn’t find a decent answer, agreed to an unfavorable offer, couldn’t refuse and now I don’t want to do it, but there’s no way not to do it. After this you feel deceived, betrayed, outraged, angry, etc. In general, the emotional spectrum is not pleasant. The most offensive thing is that you realize that you have fallen into a trap only later, after it has slammed shut.

This entire section will be devoted to psychological traps. Therefore, in order not to fall into them, you need to learn to recognize them. And then it turns out that there are so many of them: logical, emotional, and playful. And then there are the rules by which traps operate - their internal mechanisms that help us swallow the bait. We will look into all of this. After reading these chapters, you will become an expert in traps, and with some practice, you will be able to recognize and counter them in time. You will also see that there are a lot of traps that we drive ourselves into and use in relation to other people.

Reading and, most importantly, putting the tips into practice in your personal life will help improve its quality, and you will be able, discarding the tinsel of traps, games, masks, to enter into close and deep relationships with other people.

All of the pitfalls described below have been identified by psychotherapists who work in the methods of cognitive behavioral therapy (where a lot of attention is paid to testing the truth of thoughts), transactional analysis (in which one of the focuses of attention is relationships and their undercurrents) and positive psychotherapy (in which an important emphasis is placed on resources and benefits we receive from our own problems).

So, what kind of pitfalls can lie in wait for us in communicating with people? Let's start with logical traps that provoke us to a certain way of perceiving the world and people. Once we find ourselves in them, we begin to live by their internal logic, which does not always correspond to reality.

The trap of emotional thinking. We all have thoughts and have emotions, feelings and all kinds of experiences. Sometimes these things are mixed, like in a mixer, and the output is:

“Something is worrying me, which means something is going to happen.”

“I’m afraid, which means there is danger.”

“I’m angry, it means there’s a reason.”

In the logical series “thoughts - emotions,” the latter become the first; as a result, it is not emotions that are explained by thoughts or events, but events and thoughts that are explained by emotions and feelings. Because of this mix, it is almost impossible to catch such a trap in time, and we become involved in the reality of the interlocutor, become infected with his emotions and, together with him, begin to expect something bad.

If you suddenly realize that you are caught up in the flow of emotional thinking, then it is worth remembering this trap and reminding yourself that feelings and emotions are reflections of our thoughts and the state of the body. And make a list of the thoughts that are swarming in your head at this time. They are the cause of emotions. Weigh them from the point of view of logic and evidence. You will see that most often there is no justification for them. That is, they are not true. Or the truth is only partial.

The trap of overgeneralization. In this case, one example, one event suddenly becomes a universal property. The properties of one representative of a group are transferred to everyone:

"All dogs bite."

“All men (women) think about only one thing.”

"All people are mentally ill."

It is very easy to notice overgeneralization - it is often heard together with the word “everything”. As soon as you suddenly notice that they are trying to perform such a trick on you or with you, immediately ask yourself: “How do I (he, she) know about everyone?” Indeed, to know about all the dogs, you need to interact with them all. This is exactly what overgeneralization is afraid of. It is afraid of reality checks because there will always be an example that refutes it.

The trap of “gluing together” characteristics. We evaluate people according to certain characteristics that are important to us: intelligence, honesty, courage, openness, appearance, etc. Everyone has their own set of valuable parameters, a kind of coordinate grid into which we place everyone with whom we communicate. What's the trap? The fact is that sometimes, to save conclusions, we glue some characteristics together. As a result, based on information about one characteristic, we draw conclusions about completely different human properties:

“I was late for work, which means I’m irresponsible,”

“The child screams - bad mother”,

“He speaks slowly, which means he’s not very smart.”

It’s always worth asking yourself and others: “Are there other explanations? How is this known? And you will see that after some time you will stop falling into this trap. Because very often there are other explanations. It is possible to be late for work due to the fault of the driver, the child sometimes screams and is mischievous, regardless of the “niceness” of the mother, and a slow-speaking person may simply not know the language he speaks well.

The Personalization Trap. It can be very important for us to explain the reasons for certain actions - both our own and those of others. It has been proven that when we explain our actions, especially misdeeds, there are always many external reasons at the ready. But when explaining other people’s actions, we rely more on people’s personal characteristics.

Listen to people talk about someone and ask yourself: “Could there be other reasons? Or maybe there is no reason, that it happened by accident?”

Another version of the trap is the perception of oneself as an object of influence of the elements, zodiac signs, planetary movements, and God’s thoughts. Why is this a trap? Because in it you lose the opportunity to influence your life. After all, if Uranus is in Aquarius, then how can you not be late for work?

The humanization trap. In this case, we attribute human characteristics to things. As a result, our machine thinks, the rain wants to wet us, the room wants to ruin our mood, the computer doesn’t listen. It just so happens that humanizing things, natural phenomena, etc. helps us understand the world. At the same time, this can become a trap, because in response to the computer’s reluctance to work, a desire awakens in us to punish it. We tap the mouse on the rug, put brutal pressure on the keyboard, and get angry at the rain. This has no result, a feeling of failure arises, and the mood deteriorates. Sometimes, along with a spoiled mood, equipment also deteriorates.

If you have someone around you who produces the humanization trap, you very quickly become infected with their thinking style and begin to think in a similar way.

When you catch yourself thinking this way, say: “This is not a person. He can't think or feel." And there is no point in being angry at the weather. Often behind this lies anger at oneself for never fixing the umbrella.

The trap of perpetuation. Transient, temporary phenomena are perceived as very long, almost eternal. Among the words of people who love the trap of perpetuation one can find: always, never, forever, constantly. Phrases like:

"It will never end."

“I will always be depressed.”

“Nothing will ever change in our country.”

This trap is very dangerous for your mood and vitality. It is especially dangerous when you are caught in a trap by an authoritative person whom you are accustomed to trust. After all, if you believe that the streak of failures will never end, then is there any point in doing something, trying to change something? Obviously not.

A defense against this trap can be the parable of Solomon's ring. Remember when it said, “This shall pass”? And when Solomon had a very difficult period and he took the ring off his finger in anger, he saw on its inside the inscription: “This too shall pass.”

Don't forget that every thunderstorm passes and every disaster ends. Maybe not as quickly as we would like, but it passes.

The “finding someone to blame” trap. This is a trap that people with low self-esteem often fall into. They become “guilty,” sometimes actually feeling guilty for something they didn’t do. The essence of this trap is to look for someone to blame (someone or yourself), even if it is absolutely clear that there is no one to blame.

“It’s all my fault, I should have checked that tap.”

“It’s because of my wife that I drink so much.”

“I’m sure it was you who entered the address incorrectly.”

If you are accused, there is a risk of taking the blame just to make everyone calm down; take the position of a victim and start making excuses. And if someone makes excuses, the thought may arise that he is really to blame and does not want to take responsibility.

How can you deal with this trap? First of all, peace of mind. Emotions of indignation, anxiety, and anger add weakness to excuses. They do not provide the opportunity to enable logic. And logic requires proof. Ask yourself, is there evidence of guilt? Could you have acted differently in that situation, with that information, in that state? And whose responsibilities are these really?

The trap of pathologizing. Getting into it, we perceive any of our internal states as something painful, as a pathology. If we catch someone in it, then we label his particular behavior, thoughts, and feelings with a painful label.

“I think it’s depression,” says a person who is simply in a bad mood in the morning.

“He’s just crazy,” we say about a person who does something unusual.

“I think I have major heart problems. It could be a heart attack,” someone says, feeling an arrhythmia.

“You look pale today. Have you had your liver checked lately?” - a friend of ours is interested.

Falling into the trap of pathologization, we then cannot see the person behind the label. “Pathology” provokes a feeling of anxiety and does not allow you to look at your feelings and states through the eyes of reality. After all, fear has big eyes, and the more closely it looks, the better it sees what it can be afraid of.

The trap of perfectionism. You can get into it when you need the best, ideal quality of work.

“We have the best employees. They never make mistakes."

“I have to be the best at everything.”

"I can't afford to make a mistake."

"Everything has to be perfect."

The trap is very simple: it creates the highest standards that cannot be achieved, and then requires you to meet them. The paradox is that it is impossible to achieve them, and therefore you obviously lost.

And it doesn’t matter whether these standards were set for you, or whether you created them for yourself. You've already lost anyway. There are no people who don't make mistakes. There are no people who are the best at everything. There are no perfect articles, films, commercials, computers, or phones.

Remember this when someone is about to catch you in this trap. Don’t give in and, most importantly, don’t give your inner consent to these super-high standards. Take care of your self-esteem.

The trap of black and white. In this case, concepts that are not actually opposite are voiced to us or by us as mutually exclusive. This is “all or nothing”, “good or evil”, “black or white” thinking.

“You either win or lose - there is no third option.”

“An action can be either good or bad.”

“The mind is either there or it is not.”

When you are forced into black and white thinking, you are forced to take a much more extreme position than you previously took. Thus, first your language is changed, and then your inner world. You also begin to think in black and white clichés and cliches.

Remember, very little in the world is black and white. And not many poles. Most things are somewhere “in between”, in the middle. And some of them cannot be measured at all in this way.

The horror-horror trap. It can also be called “catastrophization”. Minor events, even if they go beyond the ordinary, are perceived in a black light, and the most catastrophic outcome is foreseen. You become infected with such horror and lose the ability to think coherently and predict consequences. Therefore, you begin to make mistakes that can lead to disaster.

There is such a mechanism - “self-fulfilling prophecies”.

“Winter has begun. This is terrible - you could fall and break your leg!” You begin to be overly cautious, afraid to walk on ice, and avoid any suspicious place. Your attention is narrowly focused, and you do not notice the passerby you bump into. You fall and break your leg.

The prophecy has come true! But not because it was winter and ice, but because the horror prophecy stuck in my head and didn’t allow me to look around.

“For some reason he’s late at work. Maybe he ended up in the hospital?

“If I don’t carry out the plan, it will be a disaster.”

“This is simply terrible and unbearable!”

If you catch yourself or someone else being horrorified, ask yourself: “Is it really that terrible? And even if this happens, will it be a disaster?

The “should” trap. It is very easy to turn any favorite activity, interesting work, or bright prospect into something gloomy and uninteresting. To do this, it is enough to replace “I want”, “I can” with “should”, “must”, “need”. Try it on yourself:

“I want to go to the pool” and “I have to go to the pool.”

The difference is immediately noticeable.

Sometimes at work or at home you suddenly realize that your motivation has disappeared somewhere. Remember if someone caught you in the “should” trap? If so, and instead of “I want,” you yourself began to say “I should,” ask yourself: “Who do I owe it to? And what exactly?"

Sometimes the reverse operation helps. Replace “should” with “want”, “can”. You can get the effect of liberation from obligation, and it will become easier to breathe, and you can do the work that you “should” do in an interesting and enjoyable way.

The “exceptionalism” trap. It is also called the “unrecognized prince syndrome.” Its essence is simple - claims to privileges that do not exist or that you really do not deserve.

“Why do I have to wait in line?”

“I was not created for this petty work that I am forced to do!”

“Why should I pay for travel like everyone else?”

If you think so, congratulations, you are already trapped. Get out quickly, otherwise social retribution may come in the form of shame, resentment, depression, and anger from the same queue.

Sometimes you can observe such a person, and if you have to interact with him, always remember that he is wrong. But he doesn't understand this! You can't change him, but you can politely and calmly insist that he take his seat, pay, or continue doing his job.

A trap from a “tyzhpsychologist”. Who are “tyzhpsychologists”? These are people who know everything about everyone, their hidden desires and real needs. Usually we read two books: “The Psychopathology of Everyday Life” by S. Freud and something from the literature on life success. If you have ever participated in trainings for life success, attracting money, etc., you have probably heard:

"You don't have money because you're afraid of it."

“You’re late because you subconsciously don’t like your job.”

“You lost everything because you really wanted it.”

The point of the trap is that everything is explained from a psychological point of view. And she, as a rule, makes you guilty of everything and responsible for everything.

If you realize that they are trying to accuse you of this, always remember: “There may be other explanations.” And look for them. Sometimes a stick in a dream is just a stick. But just don’t tell the “tyzhpsychologist” about this. He will say that this is your “resistance and repression.”

The "anti-Occam" trap. The philosopher William of Ockham formulated the principle of explanation, which is also called “Occam’s razor” because it allows you to cut off unnecessary words and thoughts. In short, its essence is: “Do not multiply entities without need.” This means that there is no need to explain something with complicated things if it can be done simply. Translated into modern language, it can be formulated as follows: “Keep it simple!”

If suddenly the master you hired begins to explain at length and in a complicated manner why tiles cannot be laid evenly on your floor, it’s time to be wary. If someone explains simple things by a worldwide conspiracy or the arrival of aliens, there is also something wrong with that.

It is clear that there are complex things that simply cannot be told. Special theory of relativity, for example. But even these complex things can also be made understandable and accessible to the majority.

We are often caught in this trap to hide incompetence, mistakes and shortcomings.

The trap of subjectivity. The belief that you are the cause of other people’s emotions and states. It is especially easy to fall into such a trap if there is a feeling of guilt. Sometimes it helps this feeling of guilt develop, strengthen and make you ready to make concessions:

“You made my heart hurt!”

"I'm depressed because of you."

"You made me unhappy."

Always be aware of your actions and the feelings of others. Ask yourself: “Did I do this on purpose?” Remember that our emotions and feelings are more about us and not about others.

“Professor Sous Vide proved that yoghurts are harmful.”

"Freud himself said..."

"Aristotle believed..."

If you come across the name of some unknown professor, always find out if he exists? And is this what he meant when he proved something? And are there any scientific papers in which its results have been published?

Expansion trap. Inappropriate and unjustified expansion of the scope of assumptions, laws, principles. Often used to convince us of something:

“Opposites attract” (about relationships).

Limit, catch yourself believing in these sometimes casually spoken words. They can, like viruses, settle in your thoughts and prevent you from adequately perceiving the world.

The trap of competition. Perceiving your worth only in comparison with someone else. You can be pulled into this trap by your bosses, comparing your work with the work of employees, by parents and teachers at school, by comparing your successes with the successes of classmates or even completely different people.

“I don’t do it well because there are better people than me.”

“Look, he does it better. Why are we paying you money?”

“You have to be the best student in the class. Then you will be respected."

Consider that there are other measures of your worth: the ability to achieve goals, personal changes, enjoying life, unconditional love, simply being confident in yourself without having to look for confirmation of it in something external.

Your value is not in being better than someone else, but in yourself. In what you are. And you are special not in comparison, but simply special or special.

The “if possible, then probably” trap. This trap limits our life world and instills a feeling of anxiety and fear for the future. Its essence is that an equal sign is placed between “possibly” and “probably”.

Is it possible that the plane will crash? Yes it is possible. But is it likely that the plane I'm flying on will crash? This probability is very low. For a person who has fallen into this trap, the probability seems one hundred percent, and he does not fly on this plane. And anyone else too. And he doesn't drive a car. And he doesn’t leave the house at all...

The proverbial trap. Proverbs and sayings can describe something very aptly and succinctly. However, they can also trap us, because you can find opposite proverbs about the same thing and use them at your discretion.

“Work is not a wolf - it won’t run away into the forest” - “He who gets up early, God gives him.”

“A ripe pear will fall on its own” - “You can’t even catch a fish from a pond without difficulty.”

If they try to trap you with a proverb, remember this and stop for a second and think about whether it is true and whether it is always true.

To summarize the analysis of psychological traps, let us make several generalizations. They all involve specific uses of words. They are not always used consciously against us - it’s just a habit. Often we ourselves can drive ourselves into some of the traps. And almost always, the easiest step we can take to avoid falling into the trap is to think logically and systematically.

Well done! These are beauties!

The professor laughed and seemed very pleased. Two guys, students, taken aback, looked at him, then at each other.

And I kept waiting for you to start teaching logic not on paper, but to apply it in life. - He finally stopped laughing. - Logic is about life, about our relationships, about the truth in the end. And you all memorized phrases, stereotyped examples... So I decided to teach you a lesson...

So you…

Exactly! I see that they are smart guys, but there are cliches in their heads. It was necessary to stir you up somehow... It seems that it worked...

And the professor smiled.

Trials and Pitfalls of the Path Now our spiritual journey, or healing, takes a new turn: it becomes an active spiritual quest. We get a sense of purpose and we try to figure out how best to achieve it. Enjoying the initial benefits of your healing,

Pitfalls of training a psychotherapist The problems of training a psychotherapist are multifaceted. When a person begins to study, he is told that his personality is an instrument of the profession. And then, without distinguishing between these completely different concepts, they teach the role of a psychotherapist. (I call her