Virginia satir how to build yourself and your family. Center for modern NLP technologies How to build yourself and your family read
Satir V.
How to build yourself and your family
Reviewer and author of the afterword
Doctor of Psychology
A. S. Spivakovskaya
Translators: £ V. Novikova, M. A. Makarushkina
Satir V.
From 21 How to build yourself and your family: Per. from English: improved. ed. - M,: Pedagogy-Press, 1992. - 192 p.: ill.
The author of the book is a progressive American psychologist V. Satir, the founder of family counseling, a continuer of the humanistic trend in psychology, invites the reader to talk about the problems of family life
How to teach to love and be loved, how to look at yourself through the eyes of your children, how to make family relationships humane - this is not a complete range of issues raised by the author. The book was written with sincere love for man, faith in his creative potential, and with subtle and kind humor.
For a wide range of readers „ 4312000000-063,
005(01)-92
- 83-91
BBK 88.5
ISBN 5-7155-0284-5(CCCP) ISBN 5-7155-0031-5(USA)
© 1988 by Science and Behavior Books, Inc.
© Translation, afterword, artistic design,
publishing house "Pedagogy-Press", 1992
Preface 2
Chapter 1. What does your family look like? 4
Chapter 2. The cauldron that no one sees 9
Chapter 3. The magical pattern of your Self 13
Chapter 4. How we speak and how we listen 16
Chapter 5. Communication Patterns 27
Chapter 6. Communication games 33
Chapter 7. The rules you live by 38
Chapter 8. Systems: open or closed? 44
Chapter 9. Married couple: architect families 47
Chapter 10. Special families 54
Chapter 11. Map of your family 62
Chapter 12. Life inside a “can of worms” 67
Chapter 13. How to build your family 73
Chapter 14. Elements of a Family Life Project 83
Chapter 15. Family engineering, or Everyday life of a family 94
Chapter 16. Family in the system of kinship ties 103
Chapter 17. How to improve relationships with a teenager 107
Chapter 18. What I mean by the word “spirituality” 111
Chapter 19. At the end of life 113
Chapter 20. Family in society 119
Chapter 21. At peace with yourself and with the entire planet 122
Peace begins at home. (Afterword to the Russian edition) 124
Doctor of Psychology
A. WITH. Spivakovskaya
Translators: £ IN. Novikova, M. A. Makarushkina
SatyrIN.
From 21 How to build yourself and your family: Per. from English: improved. ed. - M,: Pedagogy-Press, 1992. - 192 p.: ill.
ISBN 5-7155-0284-5(CCCP) ISBN 5-7155-0031-5(USA)
The author of the book is a progressive American psychologist V. Satir, the founder of family counseling, a continuer of the humanistic trend in psychology, invites the reader to talk about the problems of family life
How to teach to love and be loved, how to look at yourself through the eyes of your children, how to make family relationships humane - this is not a complete range of issues raised by the author. The book was written with sincere love for man, faith in his creative potential, and with subtle and kind humor.
For a wide range of readers „ 4312000000-063,
005(01)-92
- 83-91
BBK 88.5
ISBN 5-7155-0284-5(CCCP) ISBN 5-7155-0031-5(USA)
© 1988 by Science and Behavior Books, Inc.
© Translation, afterword, artistic design,
publishing house "Pedagogy-Press", 1992
Satyr V. 1
How to build yourself and your family 1
Preface 2
Chapter 1. What does your family look like? 4
Chapter 2. The cauldron that no one sees 8
Chapter 3. The magical pattern of your Self 11
Chapter 4. How we speak and how we listen 13
Chapter 5.Models of communication 21
Chapter 6. Communication games 26
Chapter 7. The rules you live by 30
Chapter 8. Systems: open or closed? 35
Chapter 9. Married couple: architect families 37
Chapter 10. Special families 42
Chapter 11. Map of your family 49
Chapter 12. Life inside a “can of worms” 53
Chapter 13. How to build your family 57
Chapter 14. Elements of a Family Life Project 65
Chapter 15. Family engineering, or Everyday life of a family 73
Chapter 16. Family in the system of kinship ties 80
Chapter 17. How to improve relationships with a teenager 83
Chapter 18. What I mean by the word “spirituality” 87
Chapter 19. At the end of life 88
Chapter 20. Family in society 93
Chapter 21. At peace with yourself and with the entire planet 95
Peace begins at home. (Afterword to the Russian edition) 96
Preface
I was five years old when I decided that I would definitely become a children's detective. Then I vaguely imagined what this work would be like, but I clearly felt that there was something in the family that was difficult to immediately discern without delving deeply into the world of human relationships, a world full of mysterious mysteries, often hidden from view.
Now, after so many years, having worked with thousands of families, I am convinced that most of these mysteries have not been solved. The work taught me a lot, opened up new opportunities and prospects for further discoveries. Now it is absolutely clear to me that the family is a microcosm of the whole world. To understand it, it is enough to know the family. The manifestations of power, intimacy, independence, trust, communication skills that exist in it are the key to unraveling many phenomena in life. If we want to change the world, we need to change the family.
Family life is like an iceberg. Most people see only a small part of it above the water and deceive themselves into thinking that they see it in its entirety. Some guess that the iceberg is somewhat larger, but do not know what exactly its invisible part is. Without knowing all the intricacies of family life, you can direct it on a dangerous course.
Like the movements of an experienced sailor who must take into account the shape and size of the hidden part of the iceberg in order for the ship to sail smoothly along the intended course, the life of a family depends on how much it understands, realizes and takes into account the feelings, needs, intentions, motives and thoughts of each of its members , and they are often hidden precisely in the underwater part, obscured from us by everyday events, habitual words, actions and deeds.
I sincerely believe that today, when humanity penetrates into the microcosm of the atom and into the gigantic spaces of intergalactic astronomy, we can make significant progress in understanding an equally important question: what happens when one person communicates and interacts with another? I believe that in a thousand years, historians will define our time as the beginning of a new era, when every person becomes truly humane.
I thought for a long time about what humanity is, what kind of person can be called a humanist. A humanist is, in my opinion, one who understands, appreciates and develops his body, his organism, himself, considers himself beautiful and necessary to people; one who is realistic and honest with himself and others; able to take conscious and calculated risks; strives for mastery and competence in the work in which he is engaged, seeks new paths in life and changes the situation if necessary; he is not afraid of change; is ready to give up what is familiar if it is expedient and prevents him and other people from correcting mistakes if it causes harm.
As a result, a person becomes truly physically healthy, his life is filled with love, goodness, becomes natural, creative, permeated with deep feelings and personal responsibility. He stands firmly on the ground, is able to love deeply, struggle with difficulties and overcome them. He is equally capable of being gentle and tough, thoughtfully and consciously approaches his actions and, as a result, achieves his goals.
In my work with families, I have discovered that all successes and failures in raising a new person are associated with four basic psychological phenomena.
Firstly, these are a person’s feelings and thoughts towards himself, I call them self-esteem.
Secondly, these are the ways in which people convey various information to each other, share experiences and thoughts, I call these methods of communication.
Thirdly, these are the rules that people adhere to and follow in their lives. They make up a certain totality, which I call the family system.
Fourthly, these are the methods by which the family carries out its connections with other social institutions, I call them social connections.
It doesn’t matter what exactly prompted the family to turn to a specialist for psychological help: the wife’s infidelity or the husband’s depression, the deviant, illegal behavior of the son or the daughter’s neurosis - the important thing is that the process of influence in all cases can be identical. To reduce or eliminate family pain, it is necessary to find the key to understanding each of the four phenomena listed above.
With all the variety of problems, a family experiencing pain is always characterized by: low self-esteem, undirected, confused, unclear, largely unrealistic and dishonest communications; rigid, inert, stereotypical, inhumane, not aimed at helping others and excessively limiting life rules of behavior; social connections that either provide peace in the family or are filled with fear and threat.
I happily meet problem-free and mature families; some of them became like this after certain psychological work, which made it possible to identify their inherent potential. Mature families are characterized by the following qualities: high self-esteem; immediate, direct, clear and honest communications; the rules in these families are flexible, humane, acceptance-oriented, and family members are capable of change; social connections are open and full of positive attitudes and hopes.
Such changes in the family occur as a result of painstaking work and mutual interest of all its members.
No matter where a surgeon learns his skill, he is able to operate on every person, since the anatomy is basically the same. Working with families, problematic and prosperous, on most continents of the Earth, I came to the conclusion that in all families: everyone evaluates themselves in one way or another - positively or negatively, the main question is how exactly?
A person communicates, establishes connections with others, the main question is how he does this and what results he achieves in the end.
He follows certain rules in his life, it is important to understand what these rules are and how successfully a person uses them.
All of the above can be found in any family where there are parents who raise children until they become adults, in single-parent families where one parent raises children after the death of the other, divorce or imprisonment, in families with adopted children or children from previous marriages in which the parents or one of them is not the natural father or mother of the child. The same is observed in the lives of children raised in state institutions. Nowadays, children grow up in different family structures.
Of course, each of the listed types of families has its own specific characteristics, and we will dwell on them later. However, the same psychological components are fundamental to family life: self-esteem, communication, rules and social connections.
Relationships in the family are those threads, ties, connections that unite people into a single whole. We will analyze their various components, and I hope this will help you better understand the structure of your family and find ways to renew your relationships with loved ones. This will give you the opportunity to experience the joy of working together, of communicating as part of your “family team”.
As you read this book, you will sometimes be asked to do some exercises that will give you knowledge about how you should act in a given situation when communicating with other people. I ask you to try to complete all the suggested exercises, even if they seem primitive and stupid to you. Doing them will help you achieve a less anxious and psychologically more mature environment in your family. The more family members who take part in this work, the greater your success will be. You know very well that it is difficult to learn to swim while standing on the shore; you can only learn to swim on the water.
If you are not sure that your family members will agree to work with you, I can advise you to feel in your heart what exactly you would like to ask them for, and express your request very simply and very directly. If you are truly committed to working together and believe that it will bring results, then the request will sound very attractive, and your loved ones will want to help you. Ask them: “Would you like to participate with me in an experiment that might be interesting and useful for us?” - such a question will maximally set them up for a positive decision.
Remember that threats, demands, orders always lead to results opposite to what we want.
I observed many tragedies that occurred in different families. Each of them touched me deeply, penetrated my soul. With this book I want to reduce the pain of those families that I will never be able to meet. Moreover, I hope to prevent the difficulties that may await our children in the future. Of course, pain cannot be completely eliminated from human life. There are two types of it: one - associated with awareness of the problem; the second, which we experience when we are suppressed or blamed. And if the first pain cannot be avoided, then the second one may not exist in our lives. We can focus our efforts on correcting what can be changed and finding the best ways to coexist with what cannot be changed.
Lord, give me the patience to accept what I cannot change,
Give me the strength to change the things I can change, And give me the wisdom to learn the difference.
Reynold Neighborhood
There's no better way to say it. While reading this book, perhaps you will experience both pains and remember something unpleasant, sad or difficult. New knowledge about yourself and how to take responsibility on your shoulders will certainly bring difficult and difficult experiences.
However, if, when you close the book, you discover new possibilities and strengths in yourself and see new paths that your family can take, I believe that the task will be completed.
How to build yourself and your family
Virginia Satir
The New Peoplemaking
Science and Behavior Books, Mountain View, CA, 1972
Reviewer and author of the afterword, Doctor of Psychology A. S. Spivakovskaya
The author of the book is a progressive American psychologist V. Satir, the founder of family counseling, a continuer of the humanistic trend in psychology, invites the reader to talk about the problems of family life
How to teach to love and be loved, how to look at yourself through the eyes of your children, how to make family relationships humane - this is not a complete range of issues raised by the author. The book was written with sincere love for man, faith in his creative potential, and with subtle and kind humor.
Preface
Chapter 1. What does your family look like?
Chapter 2. The cauldron that no one sees
Chapter 3. The magical pattern of your Self
Chapter 4. How we speak and how we listen
Chapter 5. Communication Patterns
Chapter 6. Communication games
Chapter 7. The rules you live by
Chapter 8. Systems: open or closed?
Chapter 9. Married couple: architect families
Chapter 10. Special families
Chapter 11. Your Family Map
Chapter 12. Life inside a “can of worms”
Chapter 13. How to build your family
Chapter 14. Elements of a Family Life Project
Chapter 15. Family Engineering, or Daily Life of the Family
Chapter 16. Family in the system of kinship ties
Chapter 17. How to improve relationships with a teenager
Chapter 18. What I mean by the word “spirituality”
Chapter 19. At the end of life
Chapter 20. Family in society
Chapter 21. At peace with yourself and with the whole planet
Peace begins at home.
Preface
I was five years old when I decided that I would definitely become a children's detective. Then I vaguely imagined what this work would be like, but I clearly felt that there was something in the family that was difficult to immediately discern without delving deeply into the world of human relationships, a world full of mysterious mysteries, often hidden from view.Now, after so many years, having worked with thousands of families, I am convinced that most of these mysteries have not been solved. The work taught me a lot, opened up new opportunities and prospects for further discoveries. Now it is absolutely clear to me that the family is a microcosm of the whole world. To understand it, it is enough to know the family. The manifestations of power, intimacy, independence, trust, communication skills that exist in it are the key to unraveling many phenomena in life. If we want to change the world, we need to change the family.
Family life is like an iceberg. Most people see only a small part of it above the water and deceive themselves into thinking that they see it in its entirety. Some guess that the iceberg is somewhat larger, but do not know what exactly its invisible part is. Without knowing all the intricacies of family life, you can direct it on a dangerous course.
Like the movements of an experienced sailor who must take into account the shape and size of the hidden part of the iceberg in order for the ship to sail smoothly along the intended course, the life of a family depends on how much it understands, realizes and takes into account the feelings, needs, intentions, motives and thoughts of each of its members , and they are often hidden precisely in the underwater part, obscured from us by everyday events, habitual words, actions and deeds.
I sincerely believe that today, when humanity penetrates into the microcosm of the atom and into the gigantic spaces of intergalactic astronomy, we can make significant progress in understanding an equally important question: what happens when one person communicates and interacts with another? I believe that in a thousand years, historians will define our time as the beginning of a new era, when every person becomes truly humane.
I thought for a long time about what humanity is, what kind of person can be called a humanist. A humanist is, in my opinion, one who understands, appreciates and develops his body, his organism, himself, considers himself beautiful and necessary to people; one who is realistic and honest with himself and others; able to take conscious and calculated risks; strives for mastery and competence in the work in which he is engaged, seeks new paths in life and changes the situation if necessary; he is not afraid of change; is ready to give up what is familiar if it is expedient and prevents him and other people from correcting mistakes if it causes harm.
As a result, a person becomes truly physically healthy, his life is filled with love, goodness, becomes natural, creative, permeated with deep feelings and personal responsibility. He stands firmly on the ground, is able to love deeply, struggle with difficulties and overcome them. He is equally capable of being gentle and tough, thoughtfully and consciously approaches his actions and, as a result, achieves his goals.
In my work with families, I have discovered that all successes and failures in raising a new person are associated with four basic psychological phenomena.
Firstly, these are a person’s feelings and thoughts towards himself, I call them self-esteem.
Secondly, these are the ways in which people convey various information to each other, share experiences and thoughts, I call these methods of communication.
Thirdly, these are the rules that people adhere to and follow in their lives. They make up a certain totality, which I call the family system.
Give me the strength to change what I can change
And give me wisdom to learn to distinguish one from the other.
Reynold Neighborhood
There's no better way to say it. While reading this book, perhaps you will experience both pains and remember something unpleasant, sad or difficult. New knowledge about yourself and how to take responsibility on your shoulders will certainly bring difficult and difficult experiences.
However, if, when you close the book, you discover new possibilities and strengths in yourself and see new paths that your family can take, I believe that the task will be completed.
Virginia Satir (Virginia Satir, June 26, 1916, Wisconsin - September 10, 1988, Palo Alto) - American psychologist and psychotherapist. The ideas of Virginia Satir had a great influence on the development of family psychotherapy.
At age five, she endured several months of hospitalization for a ruptured appendix while her parents were on the verge of divorce. Then she said that she intended to be a “judge of parents.” Perhaps it was the quarrels between her parents that prompted her to become a family therapist.
In 1927, the family moved to Milwaukee. Here Virginia graduated from school and teacher training college, after which she worked as a school teacher for six years. At the same time, he attended social worker courses in Chicago and studied psychoanalysis. In 1942 he received a master's degree in psychology. During this period, she was actively engaged in private psychotherapeutic practice.
In 1951, she worked with a twenty-eight-year-old client suffering from schizophrenia. In the process of work, I came to the conclusion that it is necessary to counsel not an individual person, but the family as a whole. Subsequently, this idea became an important element of her work with the client - drawing up a so-called “family map”, which marked significant events in the family over several generations.
From 1955 to 1958 she participated in the family psychology program at the Illinois Institute of Psychiatry. In 1959, she accepted an invitation to participate in the creation of a psychic research institute in Palo Alto, where she worked until 1966. She was appointed head of the education department, and under her leadership, the first educational program for family therapists in the United States was created.
In 1973 he became a professor at the universities of Wisconsin and Chicago.
In 1977, she created the Avanta Network. Avanta Network members are primarily committed to supporting models of psychotherapy that lead to personal growth.
In May 1987, V. Satir visited the USSR.
Virginia Satir was married twice. An unsuccessful pregnancy forever ruined her chances of becoming a mother. Trying to compensate for the lack of children, Virginia adopted two girls.
Books (4)
You and Your Family: A Guide to Personal Growth
The book by the founder of family counseling, Virginia Satir, is dedicated to the most pressing topic - family and intra-family relationships.
What happens in a family when the solemn wedding is far behind, and everyday life begins, when every day husband and wife, parents and children are face to face (or back to back). It's boring? hard? no way? Is it possible to change something and how to do it - all this is written about in a fascinating way with subtle and kind humor, and most importantly, with faith in a person’s desire and ability for personal growth.
How to build yourself and your family
The author of the book is a progressive American psychologist V. Satir, the founder of family counseling, a continuer of the humanistic trend in psychology, invites the reader to talk about the problems of family life.
How to teach to love and be loved, how to look at yourself through the eyes of your children, how to make family relationships humane - this is not a complete range of issues raised by the author.
The book was written with sincere love for man, faith in his creative potential, and with subtle and kind humor. For a wide range of readers.
Doctor of Psychology
A. WITH. Spivakovskaya
Translators: ? IN. Novikova, M. A. Makarushkina
Satyr V.
From 21 How to build yourself and your family: Per. from English: improved. ed. - M,: Pedagogy-Press, 1992. - 192 p.: ill.
The author of the book is a progressive American psychologist V. Satir, the founder of family counseling, a continuer of the humanistic trend in psychology, invites the reader to talk about the problems of family life
How to teach to love and be loved, how to look at yourself through the eyes of your children, how to make family relationships humane - this is not a complete range of issues raised by the author. The book was written with sincere love for man, faith in his creative potential, and with subtle and kind humor.
For a wide range of readers „ 4312000000-063,
005(01)-92
- 83-91
BBK 88.5
ISBN 5-7155-0284-5(CCCP) ISBN 5-7155-0031-5(USA)
© 1988 by Science and Behavior Books, Inc.
© Translation, afterword, artistic design,
publishing house "Pedagogy-Press", 1992
Preface
I was five years old when I decided that I would definitely become a children's detective. Then I vaguely imagined what this work would be like, but I clearly felt that there was something in the family that was difficult to immediately discern without delving deeply into the world of human relationships, a world full of mysterious mysteries, often hidden from view.
Now, after so many years, having worked with thousands of families, I am convinced that most of these mysteries have not been solved. The work taught me a lot, opened up new opportunities and prospects for further discoveries. Now it is absolutely clear to me that the family is a microcosm of the whole world. To understand it, it is enough to know the family. The manifestations of power, intimacy, independence, trust, communication skills that exist in it are the key to unraveling many phenomena in life. If we want to change the world, we need to change the family.
