How to save a falling apart marriage and get through a difficult period in family life with dignity. Why families fall apart
Good afternoon, dear readers. Today I want to talk about what to do when a family collapses. Until recently, people close and dear to each other became alienated, offended, and committed a lot of ugly acts towards each other. What can be done to save the family? If there is no other choice but divorce, then how to remain humane? What to do if you have children?
Trying is not torture
First, let's talk about how you can save a relationship if it starts to crumble. Problems do not arise out of nowhere. It does not happen that one of the spouses suddenly simply stops loving the other. Family is a joint work of both men and women. Therefore, first you need to understand the reason.
Each person may have their own reason: lack of attention, ordinary everyday life, betrayal, new love, misunderstanding, and so on. Only you can understand what is happening in your case. To do this, you need to have an honest and frank conversation with your partner. Find out all the dissatisfaction, discuss what is going wrong, understand your unjustified hopes.
How to save a marriage when it's falling apart at the seams? I’ll say right away that almost any relationship can be saved if both spouses have the desire. It will be very difficult to carry everything out alone, and a second crisis will still overtake you. When both partners work on the relationship, then success is more likely.
If you are determined to try to save the relationship, then you need to do a little work on yourself first. Learn patience, understand at what point it is better to remain silent, listen carefully to your loved one, be able to find compromises. When you sort things out, it is very important not to criticize your spouse’s opinion, not to raise your voice and not to start quarreling.
When you find the reason for your disagreement, then it will be much easier to understand what to do about it next. It will be very useful for women to read the article “”.
Remember: divorce is the easiest and not always the right way out. It is within your power to try to save your family.
Remain human in any situation
If it turns out that there is no other way out except divorce, then you need to try to remain a person in this story. It doesn't matter at all what happened to you. Whether it was betrayal, betrayal or a very big quarrel - you still loved each other. You gave each other happy days and joyful moments.
For some reason, many people forget about this at the time of separation. They focus their attention on everything bad, on their internal resentment and cause severe pain to each other.
There are and always have been problems. It’s just that at some point a person stops wanting to solve them. Sometimes it happens. There's nothing wrong with that. But what you should definitely stay away from is insults and humiliation of your ex-partner.
How many times have I heard stories about how my ex-husband is a scumbag and a moral monster, or my ex-wife is a real bitch who took away all the best years of my life. I immediately want to ask: what did you do next to this person for so many years if he is so bad?
Don't make this mistake. Don't go on the warpath with your ex, even if something terrible caused your breakup. The article "" may help you look at some things in a new way.
When there are children
If you have a child, then remember that he can suffer from your disagreement much more than you and your spouse combined. Children are very sensitive to their parents' quarrels. Imagine that both of your arms begin to behave inappropriately, and then completely fall off.
It doesn’t matter at all how your relationship with your ex-partner will turn out after the divorce. This should in no way affect your interaction with your child. The right thing to do would be to talk to the baby and try to explain to him what is happening. That mom and dad will always be there, no matter the situation. That his parents will always love and support him.
The worst thing parents can do when their marriage is falling apart is to turn their children against each other. This cannot be done under any circumstances. If you think that your wife treated you in a terrible way, then you should not throw mud at her in front of the child. He will grow up and try to figure it out on his own. Do not transfer your thoughts and feelings to your child.
I recommend that men read the article “”. Remember that you can always seek help from a specialist. A psychologist can help you try to save your marriage, help you get through difficult times, and help your child cope with their parents' divorce.
Share your story. You will be able to talk it out and perhaps find a new solution to your problem. Tell us why relationships in your family are not going well, what you tried to do. Did it work out for you, and if not, why?
I'm sure everything will be fine with you!
Most often, they marry early, not noticing anything in marriage except pleasures. And many of you were sure that you were in heaven with your dear one?
Of course, there are situations when people really find a common language in a relationship even at seventeen years old.
But usually everything happens differently: crazy love, a desire to free yourself from the care of parents, to drown out the feeling of loneliness, passion, or, another option, “getting knocked up.”
This is all that lies on the surface. But the main reason is culture. Mothers and grandmothers repeat all the time that it’s ON TIME. Then you may not have time.
At the end of the 18th century, a girl who did not get married at 17 was already overripe; 20-year-old brides were generally rejected.
It would seem that they are relics of the past, long supplanted by feminism. But in reality it’s the same thing - “don’t flap your ears, good men are taken apart when they’re still puppies.”
But let's go in order. Eat 7 main reasons why early marriages break up.
1. Already grown
If you admit to yourself honestly, in life you rarely meet mature people, even at 40 years old.
By the age of 18, puberty generally begins to decline. The worldview changes with every book read, as well as the desire to rebel and fight for justice, attempts at self-realization and a chaotic search for oneself.
And that's okay. Everything has its time.
Two years - and the main rocker of the class goes to law school, and the quiet one hangs out all night long in the best clubs in the city and drives a Bentley.
Views, principles, choices that once seemed right change just like your mood every morning. Harmonious relationships don't like this.
A man and a woman remain with their “I”, changing in the same rhythm and in the same direction as their partner.
If two people have tied their bond at this stage, the likelihood that both will choose the same road is negligible. The threads are cut, the marriage contract is dissolved.
2. Strangers
One of my friends says that in life it is important to place “all the cats under the palm trees”: falling in love in one place, love in another. It's not the same thing at all.
is a complex of feelings and actions. Passion, respect, common interests, understanding. This is intimacy, first of all, the ability to be a friend to a person.
Falling in love is just hormones. “Just perfect, what hands he has! How he looks at me! Gives flowers, looks after!” - and that is all.
And many women in this state grab their passport and rush to the registry office. Falling in love lasts for three years, no more, and what will they find themselves in when the passions subside?
That's right, in the abyss that lies between them. And somewhere in the day there will be their once common interests, delight and admiration. But in fact, the thing that irritates HER most in the world now is the way he chews salad and brushes his teeth.
Well, they have no common ground.
If a woman and a man in a couple cannot understand each other and at the same time do not have the opportunity to ignore, they begin to “divide and conquer” so that he finally understands.
This is the kind of thing that just kills relationships.
3. Who wants what?
Yes, in early marriage people do not know each other, but what is even more dangerous is that a person does not know himself - he does not realize what kind of relationship he wants, what he needs in life.
This applies not only to women, men too. they don’t understand what kind of man they want next to them and why they want him; the latter have not yet learned to realize their potential and achieve their goals.
The idea of family life is based on children's dreams, vanilla films, conversations of parents, grandmother's opinions and ideas that young people have not yet had time to filter.
As a result, spouses live by feeling, by trial and error - it’s hard, tiring and exhausting. There is simply no place left for love.
Like in the fairy tale about Alice:
-...where should I go from here?
-Where do you want to go?
- I don't care…
- You will definitely end up somewhere. You just need to walk long enough.
If you don't know where to go, neither a compass nor a navigator will help.
4. Fairy-tale heroes
Let's not deceive anyone: few young women really understand what they really want. From the world, men, relationships. This is not an indicator of stupidity - it is a stage of development.
A man is selected according to the standards of “90-60-90”, just like in the movies. Is this how you imagined your future husband too? Confess in the comments!
She is easily attracted to a professional courter or a beggar, who showers words and small gifts, and then sits on the neck and waits for the right moment while the girl plows.
It is a great success if she immediately chose a man. At an early age, a girl can rarely distinguish between normal and abnormal. If we get lucky.
5. Abandon the nest
Children get married to escape their parents. Especially when the relationship is not very good, and the lack of parental love creates an even greater need for it.
In addition to the fact that in family relationships they and their mother, their psyche is not focused on the “take-give” balance.
Married life is an equal exchange. It is impossible when partners behave like children.
They can’t really say anything, they want more, demand guardianship, shift responsibility and are not able to give.
6. Shocking reality
At first everything is cool, and then the pairs of love fade and the “household grinding in” begins.
Falling in love is easy, finding an approach in everyday life is much more difficult. is a game, and marriage is work.
It’s like in business: you may be excited by someone’s idea, but finding an effective business partner is very difficult.
7. Lack of education
A simple example. Jews often marry early, but divorce is extremely rare. Question: why?
And it's not just about religion. They are taught and brought up in family life.
They know exactly what is meant by the concepts of “husband”, “mom”, “dad” - they learn this as the most important profession.
Many of us are not taught this. People get married completely unprepared. It’s good if they are engaged in self-development and have read books on the psychology of relationships.
Well, people cannot be in harmonious relationships if they do not know how to sincerely thank, apologize, take initiative, or start a frank conversation.
Nowadays it is normal to answer “ clear-clear-forgot about it".
This is where the wives come from, who saw, and husbands who They don’t pay attention and don’t give gifts. , drama, manipulation.
Is early marriage doomed?
Happiness in marriage is not about how old you are or how compatible you are. It is important how mature you are and how accepting each other's strengths, weaknesses and characteristics are.
And it doesn't really matter. Blaming it for your broken relationship is like blaming McDonald's for your obesity.
Are you ready for a family?
Before that, a woman needs to have at least the following psychological basis:
- Understand yourself - as a person and as a woman;
- Navigate to and men;
- Have stable adequate self-esteem;
- Have a clear understanding of what you want from life and from a man;
- Be happy with yourself;
- To be free from the negative scripts of parents;
- Learn to distinguish between a normal man and;
- Go through the period of the monad: live separately from your parents, learn to independently satisfy your needs and take responsibility.
Honey, don’t believe it if they tell you that marriage is the best thing that can happen in your life. Neither yes nor no.
The best thing that can happen is happiness. Realization of oneself, disclosure of potential and constant growth over oneself in a relationship with a worthy man.
Because only a mature person, regardless of age, can be truly happy in marriage.
I believe in you,
Yaroslav Samoilov.
Too much has already been said on the topic of the crisis of the family institution to try to surprise anyone here with statistics. And yet, if anyone is unaware, the percentage of divorcing couples in certain regions of Russia has confidently exceeded 80 and, judging by the dynamics, this is not the limit. A sad picture, especially if we consider marriage as the basis of a prosperous state. And in general, it’s kind of a shame.
Have you ever wondered why this is so? In articles on the Internet on this topic, several main reasons for divorce are identified: the negative influence of relatives and friends, bad habits (most often alcoholism), infidelity, too hasty marriage, constant stress and financial problems. In different publications, the number of reasons varies from five to infinity. But all of them are just ripples on the water, a consequence of the explosion of a deep-sea bomb. This is the impression I got after studying alternative sources of information. In my opinion, Nina Krygina, a nun who has a background in psychology and has worked for many years in her specialty, counseling on family and relationship issues, speaks most succinctly and convincingly about them. I will try to retell one of her lectures on this topic in the most concise form. When she seriously began studying the problem of the “rampant” divorce, the first thing she began to look for was the approximate date, the time period when the first surge in divorce occurred, that is, to look for some kind of starting historical point. And she found it in 1917. This year was a turning point for the family. If before the revolution only 3% of marriages ended in divorce (the so-called percentage of accidents), then after this figure sharply increased to 40%.
What happened this year that had such an impact on the survivability of unions? What was the mechanism of influence on people’s minds that they began to leave relationships so easily?
And there was a change of ideology. The basic values and moral guidelines of the entire state were forcibly replaced. If previously the family’s way of life was built in accordance with the traditions of Orthodoxy, where the principles of service, reverence for elders and belief in the immortality of the soul were at the forefront (which means we live not just to satisfy the needs of the physical body, but for the sake of a higher spiritual purpose, and the answer we will bear responsibility for its implementation directly before God after death), now it was announced that there is no God, there is no soul, and one must live for one’s pleasure here and now.
I want to clarify that I’m not trying to drag anyone into philosophical conversations about religion now, it’s just important for understanding the essence of the revolution in worldview. So, there is no doubt that the state was inseparable from the church just like any of its residents. But in Orthodoxy everything was spelled out very clearly: the head of the family is the husband, he has absolute authority for everyone, he is responsible for everything: for the material well-being of all family members, and for making decisions on all fundamental issues, and for where to live, with whom to communicate, how to raise children - for everything, and he bears the greatest responsibility. And a wife is a helper to her husband. She has a completely different role, it is aimed at family life, at building relationships, at motherhood, at the warmth of the hearth and the economic part. She is not the worse half of the family, she just has a completely different task, she is an inspirer and a talisman, under the protection of an older and stronger one. A strict hierarchy allowed everyone to feel comfortable: the wife obeyed her husband, the children obeyed their mother, the younger ones obeyed the elders. There was no pedocentrism in families, since there were many children in every home, and everyone understood their place in the present and future. And for how he coped with his mission and responsibilities on earth, he was personally responsible to God.
There was a belief in one’s own importance and the value of one’s contribution to the development of family relationships. And after the overthrow of the royal regime, they began to suggest that Orthodoxy is a delusion, that everyone is for himself, take everything from life right now, without thinking about the coming day, you can do everything yourself! There was no one to answer to, and there was no need to answer. Instead of serving your loved ones in marriage, that very sacrifice without which deep and lasting relationships are simply impossible, the formulation was issued about the union of “a man and a woman living with love.” It doesn’t seem to be critical, but the catch is that “with love” means that as long as there is love - there is a relationship, the love has passed - you can break up. And, as you know, in the selfish picture of the world (which they began to propagate), love is not usually called the desire to please and serve a partner, but on the contrary, there is only a desire to receive pleasure. Therefore, after the first stage of falling in love, based on hormones, and not on conscious responsibility for one’s choice, it became more convenient to decide that “love” was over. Instead of improving your character qualities for the benefit of prosperity and strengthening the family, the emphasis was placed on “you don’t owe anyone anything,” establishing you on the platform of a false ego.
In order to facilitate as much as possible the process of destroying the integrity of society and interests, three decrees were adopted one after another:
— Decree on civil marriage and the right to dissolve it;
— Decree on gender equality, giving women the right to earn money on an equal basis with men;
— Abortions have become legal.
Each of these documents contributed to the consistent degradation of society. The family ceased to be a stronghold of loyalty and stability, but became a place where each party wanted to receive more than to give. They stopped cherishing it, appreciating it and striving to preserve it, since the state officially “allowed” not to do this.
In order to completely liberate a woman, she was allowed to work and earn money. Such economic independence very subtly negated another deterrent to divorce. She was no longer afraid of being alone and not being able to feed herself. Again, she had the opportunity to constantly feed her pride with thoughts of her own superiority and self-sufficiency.
Abortion became the last straw in the “liberation” of women from “oppression by men.” The small emerging life inside ceased to be a living soul, but began to be considered as a continuation of the woman’s physical body, which means she has the right to dispose of it at her own discretion. As a result, over the next decade, population growth was about the same as it had been in a year before. This is omitting the moral, ethical and spiritual component of the issue.
This simple plan for the collapse of traditional values was implemented on the territory of a state that was once famous for its high morality and nepotism. And it turns out that everything that we have now in the form of breaking up couples, single mothers, orphans, courageous women and too soft-bodied men is nothing more than the result of almost a century of following this ideology, a refusal to understand oneself as a soul , the highest purpose of which is to be able to see in other people, first of all, the same souls, and not machines for satisfying one’s desires. The soul is immortal, it does not belong to anything in the material world, it always strives for God through the accomplishment of actions pleasing to him - taming one’s ego, tolerance for the imperfections of others, humility with circumstances and improving one’s own qualities. It seems to me that it is also logical to look for the key to correcting the current situation in this plane.
Marriage, like any other relationship, is not always perfect. The key to a successful marriage is maintaining a balance of mutual understanding and the ability to give in. As soon as one begins to neglect this responsibility, the plane called "Family" loses balance and crashes. The reasons that can lead to a break in relationships and cooling of spouses towards each other are actually very simple:
Expecting your spouse to change.
This is a problem that most couples face. Young people do not always realize that they are marrying an already formed mature personality, which cannot be changed, and it is not necessary. They think that if a person loves, then he should change for the sake of his loved one. But if you are together, doesn't that mean that you signed an agreement to accept him as he is, as you loved him. Very often, spouses' expectations are directed towards each other, and this is the wrong approach. Turn to yourself: what is missing in you, what can you do to make your relationship better, and you can change for the sake of someone. And only after understanding how difficult it is to change your habits, you can realize the impossibility of changing your chosen one. It is impossible to change someone else, but it is possible to try to change your attitude towards what is happening. Learn to express your feelings in order to improve your relationship, and not for criticism and complaints. Communication promotes mutual understanding and the fact that we will look at what is happening through the eyes of our spouses.
Talking does not mean communicating.
Very often a marriage breaks up due to a lack of mutual communication. People mistakenly believe that if they interact in conversation, then they are communicating. But in fact, communication should be deeper, and not formal. Communication is the main way to learn more about each other. The greater a person's ability to truly communicate, the greater the satisfaction from the relationship experienced by both partners. Differences will soon appear between two people living next to each other. If these differences are not discussed, they will inevitably lead to confusion and conflict. Thanks to communication, married people get to know each other, share their wants and needs, and resolve differences. Communication is the foundation of marriage.
Inability to manage time.
In the bustle of the modern world, time becomes a very important aspect of family life; it is not always enough for our halves. The inability to properly manage your time often causes spouses to distance themselves from each other. The couple seem to be together, but they are not. It is very important to set aside time for your spouse and dedicate that time only to him/her. The most valuable thing a person can devote to their spouse is time and attention.
The lack of intimate life in marriage plays an important role in the separation of spouses from each other.
This is an important part of Islamic duty, essential for a happy marriage without disappointment. Getting sexual satisfaction is also an important part of family life. Sexual satisfaction is a sign of love, mutual respect and emotional attachment. Intimate life is inseparable from family relationships, and the stronger the mutual respect, love and affection, the stronger the marriage.
Lack of attention.
Many spouses complain about lack of attention in marriage. Lack of attention gradually alienates the spurugs from each other. The problem here largely lies in the fact that everyone expects from their spouse, but does not give in return. As a result, dependent relationships are formed when one is ready to give his attention only when he receives it himself.
Material side.
Unfortunately, money and material wealth play an important role in family life. Money issues often lead to a deterioration in the relationship between spouses. In this matter, everything is stable as long as the commandments prescribed for husbands and wives by Islam are not violated. The head and breadwinner of the family is the husband. Earning money to support a wife is a man’s responsibility. A Muslim is obliged to fulfill his obligations. This applies to everyone: both men and women.
Inability to forgive.
We have already said that a marriage is doomed to failure if the spouses do not know how to give in and treat each other with understanding. The same applies to forgiveness. No one is perfect, not you or your spouse. Accept people for who they are, with all their flaws. If you keep grudges for a long time, then mental wounds may not heal and disturb you for a long time, forcing you to torment your chosen one with eternal accusations.
