I'm embarrassed by people what to do. Shy sheep: what to do if you are very shy

Let’s agree right away that we will not advise you, following the example of the famous heroine, to engage in self-hypnosis and repeat in front of the mirror “I am the most self-confident and relaxed.” Not only to find out how to stop being shy about people, but to really overcome the shyness complex, let’s first try to understand the reasons for this phenomenon.

Why are people shy?

You don't have to be Dr. Freud to understand the origins of this psychological problem. Like all personality complexes, its roots should be sought in the past: conscious and unconscious. Find a free moment and try to do some self-analysis. Think about whether there were any situations in your past life that provoked excessive modesty.

Finding out the reasons for shyness

The earliest origins of fear of people can be found in parental instruction not to communicate with strangers. Perhaps you no longer remember how your mother convinced you not to respond to the offer of evil uncles to open the door in the apartment or get into someone else's car to go to the water park. Considering modern realities, she wished only the best for you and tried to protect your life. But this undeniably useful “good attitude” took hold in the mind and had a negative effect in the form of persistent timidity in front of strangers.

Another possible reason for shyness is situations when people significant to you showed inappropriateness in relationships, for example, they told ill-wishers about your mistake, laughed at the results of your work, etc. The most powerful consequences could have been caused by circumstances associated with strong negative emotions: fear, tears, resentment.

Shyness sometimes occurs due to our desire to be better than everyone else and excessive self-criticism. The higher the level of our demands on ourselves, the more difficult it is to get out of the “darkness” and start communicating.

Sometimes we subconsciously copy the behavior of someone close to us.. Remember the parents you knew from childhood: weren’t they shy around people the same way you are now?

So, having found out the true reasons for your shyness, it’s time to begin concrete actions to eliminate it.

Increasing motivation

If a child’s shyness prevents him from asking his peers for a toy he likes or answering correctly in class, then it can bring much more trouble to an adult.

Modesty is certainly not a vice, but excessive timidity can interfere with a successful career and personal life. This quality can hide from others not only your shortcomings, but also your talents. At the same time, the negative aspects remain in the same place, and talents do not find proper embodiment and die.

Shyness is not a vice

First of all, stop gnawing and torturing yourself for being too timid. All our fears, and at the same time our insecurities, end where love begins. Sincere, pure and real. To ourselves (please do not confuse this with narcissism). And you need to be imbued with the rather simple idea that modesty and delicacy are advantages, and in no case disadvantages. As soon as it becomes stronger in your mind, you will immediately begin to worry less. But it’s your anxiety that you’re too tight that’s preventing you from liberating yourself.

Smile!

Do you think this is frivolous advice? You're wrong! Try to go to the mirror in the morning and smile at your own reflection from the bottom of your heart. Happened? Now hold back your smile. Now smile even wider and as cheerfully as possible... In fact, few people cope with this test. For some, instead of smiling, they get some kind of grimace, for others, their facial muscles begin to twitch, for others, it seems that only idiots can smile for no reason.
Do you also think that smiling when meeting strangers in the office or in your entrance is somehow stupid? Believe me, another hundred thousand introverts who give the impression of stone idols think exactly the same way. Few people are friends with them, they don’t dare to get to know them, they are not invited to parties, and if they are invited, they try to stay away from them. And you know, this doesn’t surprise us.
How to overcome shyness? Finally, force yourself to smile! Remember something pleasant often and practice as hard as you can. To begin with, at least go to the nearest supermarket and smile at the saleswoman.

Don't stay at home

Psychologists believe that complexes are far from the main cause of shyness and self-consciousness. A person simply lacks experience in communication. Have you ever noticed how you behave when you find yourself in a society where there are many people you don’t know? The most desperate modest people in such a situation usually remain silent and generally withdraw into themselves, like a snail into a shell. There is no need to be afraid to talk to strangers.
How to get rid of shyness? Experts have some basic advice: you need to be outside more often. Yes, literally walk around and ask for directions to the library, even if you know the way there well. This method - asking unfamiliar passersby for directions - is considered good training.

Talk

Try not to have lunch alone. People have at least one ancient powerful instinct associated with the ritual of sharing food. When they gather at the same table, their subconscious says: “We are friends, everything is fine.” And so they relax, become more relaxed, and, therefore, more talkative.
It is during such “informal” conversations that you can learn a lot about a person. Try to remember some information about your friends: the names of their loved ones, the names of animals, some important events from their lives. This is not a mandatory rule. But on occasion, your memory can provide you with an invaluable service.
Don't panic if you don't know how to start a conversation. There are many things that can be a topic of conversation. Hobbies, film premieres, the last book you read, a concert, a LiveJournal blog - you can discuss any of them with your interlocutor.

Change your point of view

You are afraid to open up to a person, you are embarrassed to tell him what you think, you are afraid of doing something wrong and ending up in an awkward and funny situation. In a word, you are afraid that they might offend you and leave you alone. Therefore, you use inaccessibility as armor - this is a completely typical method of self-defense.
Try to change your point of view. Don’t think that someone might leave you, considering you uninteresting, unattractive, and the list goes on. Start thinking something like this: “If he (so-and-so) doesn’t appreciate my abilities, I’ll break up with him myself.” And repeat this as a mantra to overcome shyness and insecurity.

There are people who, in an unusual situation for themselves, begin to blush, worry, and have difficulty speaking. For such individuals, the question: how to stop being shy is the most pressing. It is extremely difficult for shy people to be in the center of everyone's attention, make new acquaintances, and communicate with unfamiliar people.

In addition, modest people have a very difficult time adapting to a new place, and the emergence of an unfamiliar situation may well cause them to panic.

Reasons for modesty

Knowing the factors that determine such a psychological feature as modesty will help you understand how to get rid of shyness.

The most common causes of modesty are the following:

1. Congenital character traits. from birth they are more reserved, modest, slow and timid compared to their extroverted peers. Shyness is an integral character trait for them;
2. Education is also of no small importance in the development of personality. If a child feels that he is not protected in the family, then he will have difficult relationships with the outside world;
3. Insecure, modest and reserved parents who perceive new people as a danger to themselves pass on their behavioral characteristics to their child. Children always imitate adults. That is why shy parents most often grow up with the same children;
4. Parents who do not trust the world often introduce a large number of all kinds of taboos and restrictions into the lives of their children. In addition, adults do not let the child go and do not give him the opportunity to independently explore the world around him. Over time, the little person gets used to the idea that it is warm and safe under the parental wing and ceases to strive for discoveries and communication with other people. Such children have difficulty adapting to new circumstances, have difficulty starting to go to kindergarten or school, have difficulty finding a common language with unfamiliar people, and develop shyness;
5. In addition to unhealthy family relationships, modesty can be caused by low self-esteem. In such cases, people who tend to underestimate their own merits are unable to take decisive and important actions for their own lives and cannot fully communicate. This is explained by the internal fear of doing something wrong or doing something wrong.

Some people with particularly fragile self-esteem try not to do anything new at all, since they only feel good when the work is done perfectly. Unfortunately, in the realities of life, this is almost impossible to achieve. A small mistake for them is a huge tragedy, which makes them feel completely incompetent and useless.

That is why such individuals try not to go beyond what has long been studied and understood. It is not surprising that such people prefer to communicate only in well-known circles.

Modesty itself in this case acts not as a protective factor, but as an obstacle to self-improvement.

Ways to overcome modesty

How to get rid of shyness if nature has endowed you with it in full? First you need to understand yourself, understand the causes of the problem. Only after self-analysis can one begin to take practical action to eliminate modesty.

How to get rid of modesty?

• At the very beginning, it is necessary to individualize this feature.

It is necessary to understand the reasons why modesty arose, to determine the situations in which it reveals itself most fully. In addition, you need to understand what the condition is associated with. Only after self-analysis can you give a reliable answer to the question: how to stop being shy;

• The next step is self-understanding.

How to get rid of modesty? Understand that the outside world has no purpose to monitor and evaluate your actions. Most people are so busy with their own problems that they don't care about your minor mistakes. You shouldn't compare yourself to others. Only accepting yourself with all your weaknesses and characteristics, understanding your feelings and desires will improve your own life, destroy the barriers that do not allow you to develop;

• How to get rid of shyness

Find all your . There are no people who do not have merits. One of the main tasks in everyone’s life is to identify their talent and develop it. You should find what you do best in life and develop this ability.

Determining your strengths will help strengthen your self-esteem and give you the opportunity to go your own way. This measure in the question: how to overcome shyness is short-term. However, it is able to give faith that it is possible to destroy the barrier of fears and limitations;

• Modesty itself is not born just like that

It develops from the inability to like oneself. Each person must learn to correctly evaluate himself and love his individuality. Every day you should get to know yourself, your characteristics, pay attention to your habits;

• How to overcome shyness if there are a huge number of successful, bright people around?

The main rule is to stop trying to look like everyone else. Each person is individual, and this is the beauty of life. You should not strive to imitate someone.

All attempts to achieve similarity with non-standard personalities will only lead to a series of disappointments, and ultimately to a decrease in self-esteem. You should develop your individual characteristics, strive for uniqueness;

• If your surroundings make you feel uneasy, you should try to focus on other people. Under no circumstances should you become isolated in your experiences;
• How to overcome shyness in a difficult situation?

Often unforeseen circumstances cause a feeling of fear. In such cases, you can cope with anxiety with the help of proper breathing. The breathing exercise technique is very simple, but very effective. You need to close your eyes and take deep breaths. All attention should be focused exclusively on breathing.

Yoga experts also recommend a certain technique that allows you to cope with anxiety. To do this, you need to count while inhaling and exhaling. Gradually you should even out your breathing. For example, when inhaling, count to 4 and when exhaling to 4. After breathing becomes even, you should add a number to each inhalation. The exercise should be performed for several minutes.

• Removing blocked energy is another answer to the question: how to overcome shyness. Exercising helps relieve stress. Another very effective way is meditation;
• How to overcome shyness? Imagine yourself as a confident and happy person. Visualization helps to form a positive image;
• Modesty itself is nothing more than a software installation. You can overcome it with affirmations. Everyone knows that every word carries power. Repeated repetition of the same attitude affects a person, helping him achieve what he wants;
• How to overcome shyness? Pay as much attention as possible to situations that cause unpleasant experiences. To do this, you need to analyze your feelings, and you should answer the questions: “For what reason do such feelings arise in me? What caused these reactions in me? Are there any explanations for the events that happened?”;
• Don't be too negative about rejections. Every person throughout his life repeatedly hears “no” in response to his requests or actions. There is no need to make a tragedy out of this. It is necessary to understand that the reason for refusal is not your actions or yourself, but certain circumstances;
• How to stop being shy? Say no to perfectionism. It should be remembered that there are no ideal people, things, actions and events in the world;
• Social skills training is the best answer to the question: how to stop being shy. Communication experience must be gained in practice. The more social connections there are, the easier it will be to find a common language with people in the future.

Modesty itself is not a negative character trait. However, excessive shyness can greatly ruin the life of even the most talented person. How to stop being shy? Everyone can answer this question. You just need to carefully understand the reasons for your fears.

Difficulties in life for modest people

Modesty is nothing more than an obstacle to achieving success in life.

Shyness can make it difficult to find a good, promising job. In some cases, people deny themselves the desired job only because doing it will require them to do a number of actions that are unpleasant for their sense of self: communicate with a large number of new people, use public transport, be around strangers, and sometimes even unpleasant individuals. .

Modesty isn't just about losing career opportunities.

Shyness leads to the fact that a person becomes timid, he avoids the crowd, he will never be seen in the spotlight. Modest people very often blush when a stranger addresses them. Sweating palms, rapid breathing, nervous squeezing of hands - all this occurs in a modest person in a new situation.

Positive aspects of modesty

Shyness is a psychological trait that helps protect an individual from unjustified risks and danger.

Often modest people are excellent conversationalists. However, they are only able to open up in small companies with people they know well.

The exact opposite of modest people are reckless, aggressive, arrogant individuals. They are quite capable of unpredictable actions, which sometimes lead to sad consequences.

Modesty itself in this context is not something unacceptable. According to evolution, the greatest results in terms of life expectancy are achieved by those individuals who behave the most prudently and do not neglect the norms of behavior. However, excessive shyness can also be a disservice to its owner.

Are you shy or reserved?

Introspection and self-esteem

Shy and insecure people are such because of an exaggerated sense of awkwardness and shame. Therefore, it seems to them that others judge them as seriously and harshly as they do themselves. There is a bit of egocentrism in this: it seems to us that they pay so much attention to our person that they notice every mistake or ridiculous act. But if this is observed anywhere, it is only in teenage groups. In most cases, only we ourselves pay attention to our absurdity, and people are very passionate about themselves and their absurdity.

This is why judging yourself for what you think is a stupid word or action is counterproductive. But if you analyze your actions and look for mechanisms to make them less funny, that’s a different matter. If you simply condemn yourself for not remembering the name of the person introduced to you, it is pointless, but if at the same time you are looking for a way to remember names, this is already a step towards overcoming complexes.

Don't think that people are watching your every move.

Declare war on self-criticism. It is needed, yes, but in reasonable doses. And sometimes it needs to be turned off altogether. When you scroll through all your comments during a recent conversation or wonder if you offended a casual acquaintance, it drives you further into your shell. But everyone, even communication geniuses, makes mistakes and has the right to make them. Which means you, even more so! Just don't focus on the negativity you had when interacting with people today. It's better to keep track of the good and what you got right!

Find what makes you unique!

This is necessary to develop self-confidence.

• Just write a whole list of what you are proud of and admire about yourself. We often downplay our talents and capabilities, but we need to appreciate them. Believe me, millions of people do not have the same achievements that you have. And this is already a reason to create a list of all your talents and qualities, even the most insignificant ones. And be sure to be proud of it!

Visualize your own success!

This refers to success in society or at a party. Imagine yourself shining. And also think through the steps that will be needed for this brilliance: come up with topics, remember jokes that are appropriate in this company...

Develop self-confidence!

• First of all, you need to develop your skills. This will raise your price, which means that shyness will fade into the background. And this is a reason to take classes on something that interests you. There you will probably find like-minded people with whom it will be easier to communicate.
• Get out of your comfort zone. There is no need to jump with a parachute or run down the street naked. Look for where there is a comfort zone in everyday activities and leave it, looking for something new and unusual in familiar things. At least just go to work or home on different roads every day.
• Goals should be simple. You won’t immediately become more sociable, but you can set yourself a simple goal, for example, meet two girls in a day or chat with two people at a party. It's easier. You can also meet people who are just as shy and reserved as you: they are probably very interesting people.
• Don't be afraid of mistakes. It may be repeated, but even communication geniuses and psychologists of the highest level commit them. You are all the more allowed. Even if the person you would like to meet ignores you, the contact still takes place.

Become friendly!

• Position yourself as an open person: smile, nod your head, mirror the person, be interested in the narrator and the story... And don’t be afraid to ask more open-ended questions. That is, not those to which you can answer no or yes... “Where did you buy such a beautiful suit?”, “Where is the best pastry in this city?”, “Who is your favorite writer?” It all fits.
• Don't be afraid to talk about yourself. You can share your experience, for example. It’s better to do this when several people have already shared their opinions, experiences or stories. But constantly talking only about yourself is not very good.
• Invite people! To your home, for coffee, to the cinema, organize meetings on interests... even if people refuse, you will be perceived as a friendly and open person. It is important here not to be afraid of being rejected and to be prepared for the fact that you will also be invited. Don’t refuse, because you will need any communication.
• Focus on the moment. Concentrate on the conversation, on the facial expressions of the participants, on who else has joined the conversation. Just have fun and don’t think about what you said five minutes ago that was ridiculous.
• Read people. This will help you overcome your shyness and isolation. No, you don’t need to look closely at every gesture, but you can learn to understand the mood of your interlocutor. Just like in the general mood of the group: what jokes are understandable here, are these people ready to accept strangers. You can also pay attention to the behavior of each person: if he is relaxed and just walking, it means he is inclined to communicate, and if he is nervous, then it is better not to approach at all.
• Find “your” social circle. It is not necessary, and it will not be possible, to be friends with everyone, but if you want to find “your” people, you need to experiment and go to different companies. Surely “your” people exist somewhere...
• Accept your isolation. You won't become completely different even if you try. That’s why you can’t be the life of the party, but you can just be yourself and you will be appreciated. Being yourself is the most original and most interesting thing.
• "Recharge!" If you are an introvert, you need solitude more than companies and interest clubs. Just don't go against your nature and seek strength alone. Even the most sociable and open people need this, by the way.

Shyness is a quality that hides our shortcomings and talents from others. At the same time, shortcomings remain noticeable, and talents perish.

Constraint seriously slows down a person’s progress towards success, if not prevents it altogether. A dog with its tail between its legs will not win a beauty contest. And people can be even more insightful towards each other than towards dogs - if you are embarrassed to show yourself, then everyone will immediately suspect that you have something to hide...

There can be no talk of any leadership or harmony with ourselves until we stop being shy in the presence of everyone with whom we exchange words or even glances throughout the day.

Below I will list methods for overcoming embarrassment that few people know, but have proven results. As you know, there is no copying of other people's ideas, and everything you encounter here is unique in content and style.

I do not use “vitamin C in the treatment of myocardial infarction,” so you will not see here affirmations, visualizations, auto-training and other rubbish that theorists write about, who have no idea how to practically help people overcome embarrassment.

Let me warn you, to stop being shy, you will have to go through some discomfort, but the effect will be strong and lasting. I've broken my article down into 3 tips. The first two are preparatory. They are really strong and work, but without a third they are of no use. The third one is the strongest and will work even without the first two.

1. Read aloud. Always

Fact: you are afraid of communication and avoid it. It has already become a reflex (about reflexes in (15 min). Download it for free now and listen later).

Your subconscious associates your voice with embarrassment. Everything here is logical - you are shy when you speak. You have developed one main fear, the actual judgments of others () and other fears that have joined it. Reflexes are always combined into groups. Now you are even frightened by your own voice, because in your memory it always precedes embarrassment.

Go through the three stages of overcoming embarrassment through reading:

• Read aloud when you're alone
• When there are people around you that you know
• When you're surrounded by strangers

This simple method works wonders.

I was shy as a child, but today there is no trace left of complexes and prejudices. I attribute some of the credit to the most powerful exercise for helping one stop being self-conscious: reading aloud. In addition, reading aloud develops good diction, which gives you confidence in any communication.

By the way, I still often switch to reading aloud! Habit. And since I only read in English, you can imagine the reaction of others... By the way, it doesn’t interest me at all. A long time ago.

Conclusion: to stop being shy, read aloud. You will develop good diction, get used to the sound of your own voice and significantly reduce the fear of communicating with others, which we call embarrassment.

2. Don't get enough sleep

Have you ever had a dream in which you know it is a dream? You know that after some time you will wake up, and all this reality will dissolve into a past unknown to anyone. You can do whatever you want in this dream without shame or embarrassment. I'm lucky. I have dreams like this. Now return your perverted imagination to the topic: “how to stop being shy”

If you don't get enough sleep, your life turns into a kind of virtual reality. Fears are dulled, the ability to focus is greatly affected, but shyness is also inhibited. It's like alcohol dulls the mind. Being drunk in the morning probably won't be the best way to overcome embarrassment, but not getting enough sleep is acceptable. By the way, this is one of the strongest ways to rewrite reflexes (habits). This is how North Korean intelligence recruited American soldiers. Well, we are already moving away from the topic.

Conclusion: lack of sleep dulls fears of communication and helps overcome embarrassment.

3. Talk to strangers

High level of difficulty

To stop being shy, talk to strangers. Your job here is just to start a conversation. Even if people are not interested in you, you have already completed the task. Remember the goal - to start talking! By the way, according to my observations, only 10% of people are not interested in communication. Those. if you know what a shower, soap and a clothing store are, then you can already count on a pleasant conversation with as many people as you could write messages to on Facebook or VKontakte.

Ask them what time it is, what book they're reading, where they bought those cool mittens, if they looked at the weather forecast for today, if they know any good jokes... whatever.

Medium difficulty level

Or, if you see that your future interlocutor is scared half to death and is very shy, start with simpler things that do not affect their ego. Ask them something about themselves. Ask if they like the way you styled your hair, what they think about the combination of your blouse with a dress, if you have a Rostov accent (or wherever you come from)... Talk about anything that concerns yourself! Just direct your polite request to “I”, “me”, etc.

Easy difficulty level

This method is for those who have a very severe case of shyness, or those who want to complement the high and medium level of difficulty with other techniques. If you still find it difficult to talk to strangers, take this path step by step.

• Do you travel by public transport? Be sure to sit next to someone, even when there are many empty seats. Just sit down and be silent. This will prove to your fear that it is useless - no one ate you or started fighting with you...
• Look passers-by in the eye (don’t do this with healthy men with scars sitting opposite you).
• Have you visited the company's website? Call them and ask additional questions. Have you visited an English-language site? Call them too! Have you visited a Chinese website? ... If you somehow don’t visit a Chinese site by accident, then go to it on purpose!

Conclusion: to stop being shy, you need to prescribe patterns of confident behavior in your consciousness and subconscious, which are formed only in practice.

None of this will be stupid because your goal is to improve your communication skills. And your intermediate goal is to start a conversation without embarrassment.

Understand that everything that contributes to achieving a serious goal is not stupid, no matter how it may look from the outside. I know founders of $100 million-a-year companies who were so comfortable in their comfort zone that they worked as waiters in their friends' restaurants in the evenings to stop feeling shy around strangers.

One client of mine, with already well-developed communication skills, kept himself in shape by asking grocery store employees if they liked their uniforms, and then bargained for a bottle of wine in the same store! Do you think this is funny? And if I say that he was given a lower price for wine, will it be funny to you too? From 1500 rubles to 1200! And money is not important here at all.

Remember, this is most likely the first and last time you will see all those strangers whose judgment you are so afraid of. What are you risking?

If you want to meet a girl or guy, but are embarrassed to approach them because you are shy in front of sexually attractive specimens of the opposite sex, then start meeting scary ones. This will be a good workout.

Suvorov said: “It’s hard in training, easy in battle!” Or as a bodybuilder I know used to say: “Hard in training, easy on the coast!”

When preparing people for new careers and job interviews, I always send them to interviews for positions that aren't even suitable for them so that they build confidence and learn how to make an impression for when the stakes are really high.

Finally.

To stop being shy, you need to... stop being shy. Time after time, day after day.

P.S. I read the last line again and thought: “Either I’m very smart, or this is some kind of primitivism.” I woke up the next morning and loved it! I guess I'm just not ashamed of my thoughts...

P.P.S. Added a year after the article was written

To stop being shy once and for all, you need to learn how to speak in public. It's like running with weights on your ankles - if you can confidently talk to a room full of people, then talking to just anyone turns into a nice conversation for you.

I talk about this in the video