The most outrageous and laughing jokes to tears (15 pieces). Funny jokes that make you cry

ABOUT father and son We came to the sea.
- Look, son, this mo re.
- Where?
- Here, per units you, so blue.
- Where?
- Well, right before that bo y. Big.
- Where?
The father could not stand it, he grabbed it yn and by the hair, and let’s dip his head into the water. After this the son:
- Dad, what is this? oh?!
- Sea.
- Where ?

*****

IN sheep got two Ouch ku in mathematics and explains anger en to my father:
- The teacher asked me si l, how much is two times three, I said six. Poto m the teacher asked how much it would be three times dv A
- And this is not one x re n?
- That’s what I said.

*****

IN school during zo lesson olo gii:
- Who can say why? mb ala flat?
Vovochka:
- Because joint venture ala with a whale.
- Vovochka, get out of class ac sa!
Teacher:
- Tell me why cancer has... az and they climb out of orbits?
The door opens slightly, B O Vochka whispers:
- Because he is all this saw.

*****

N and zoology lessons. Teacher br OS throws a worm into a glass of water. In a couple mi chickpea pulls out:
- You see, d no and, the worm is alive.
Then he throws the worm in that kan with alcohol. In a couple of minutes Well t takes out.
- You see, the worm has died. So to ak What conclusions should be drawn? Vovochka gets up.
- You need to drink vodka so that if the steeds didn't start.

*****

N oh In the complete fog units the ship is sailing. Captain on the command bridge. Vd Around the course - lights! Possible collision. Cap it an - into a megaphone:
- Commander Jackson speaking. Kr to her ser "Saratoga", 30 thousand tons displacement yet leniya. Turn right immediately!
Answer:
- Private J says He dream, lighthouse duty officer. Three million then NN . Sir, you'd better turn away...

*****

- T I don't mind is it possible to be left-handed?
- No, it doesn’t interfere. Each person has his own d leftovers. For example, with what hand do you stir the tea?
- Right.
- Here! And normal people ra stir with a spoon.

*****

D Jaune fell into a lethargic sleep ohm and woke up in 2050. First of all, pose in Neil to the agent to find out how his banking was going. A ge nt reported that he has 10 mi on his account ll ion dollars. Satisfied, John hangs up the phone. Che R A minute later the duty officer calls him:
- You spoke for five minutes. From you 7 million 400 one thousand dollars.

*****

M Oisha was called to the OB HS WITH:
- Where did you get it from? de nygi to the Volga?
- I had a Zhiguli. I'm talking about them Yes l, borrowed a little
and bought a Volga.
-Where did you get the money? bg and on the Zhiguli?
- I had an IZH motorcycle, I e I sold a little
borrowed and...
-Where did you get it? de ngi on "IZH"?
- And for a bicycle I’m still at Sta whether he did not serve time.

*****

G get ready for bed by live barking Jewish couple
- Moisha! You're at the gate A wings?
- Closed, Rose, for cr yl.
- Well, did you close the door?
- And the door, R O for, closed.
- And in English sk y castle?
- And into English am ok, Rose.
- And on white b Gian
- And in Belgian and y.
- And for z asov?
- And to the point in Rose!
- And on the flail wow?
- And on the chain too.
- Moishe, and on the schwa b ru did you close the door?
- Oh! On the mop A was!
- Here you go! Zach od and take what you want!

*****

AND Zya died during the war ry in cards from heart break. Nobody dares to tell it and ene. They chose Aron, he was the most taciturn. Etc Aron goes to the house of the deceased, knocks on the door:
- I'm from Katsm en A.
- Oh, this is where my hubby plays all the time e t into cards?
- Yes.
- Games A yeah?
- Yes, he plays.
- As always about ig vomiting?
- Exactly, he loses.
- So that he dies, m er boss!
- Already.

Jokes They lift your spirits very well, especially in company. You sit at the table, tell the best jokes and for everyone you become fun and the life of the party. And it doesn’t matter whether the jokes are short or long, the main thing is to tell them well and not miss the essence of the joke.

On our site, moderators and users add fresh jokes every day. And all these jokes are funny. Nothing can replace the time you spend reading jokes in terms of charging you with positivity and humor. We will be glad to provide you with fresh jokes and the funniest ones for everyday reading.

Short jokes and long ones

If you are more of an amateur read short jokes, then we have plenty of such goodness. Skim through the pages of the funniest jokes and read only the short ones and ignore the long ones. After all, sometimes you really don’t want to go into details for a long time, but want to explode with laughter as quickly as possible. Many of the best jokes will have you laughing to the point of tears.

As an alternative to short jokes, these are jokes. There's literally 1-2 lines of humor there. The idea and ending are developed very quickly.

Only funny jokes

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We invite you to read jokes about...

There are an abundance of jokes on our site. To somehow make sense of this chaos, we assign a theme to each new joke. For example, you can read jokes about Vovochka, love and relationships, a parrot, pregnancy, a bar, a cafe, etc. Funny jokes about the mother-in-law will also not leave you indifferent.

Choose any topic of jokes and read humor with pleasure.

All jokes are free

We have absolutely everything free jokes and are available to everyone. You don't even need to register to read them. I suggest you don’t put it off and start watching jokes until you cry right now. Many of them will seem the funniest and best to you. We recommend registering and adding them to your favorites. Then, when the opportunity arises, re-read them.

Today we have prepared for you the latest jokes that are funny to tears, which you can read for free online on the website.

Among these jokes, you are sure to find a few that will lift your spirits and make you smile.

On the website we publish positive news for you every day.

1. - Dear, do you share my opinion?
- Yes, dear, I divide it into two parts, I completely reject the first, and I categorically disagree with the second!

2. -A man communicates with God:
- Lord, why are all the girls gentle, sweet, affectionate, and all the women
bitches and bitches?! The Lord answers:
- So I create girls, and you make them women...

3. Bachelor Eggs:
1) - opened the refrigerator;
2) - scratched his balls;
3) — closed the refrigerator.

4. The children at school argued about what is the fastest thing in the world.

Tanechka says:
- The quickest word is: you said it, and you can’t take it back!

Vanechka says:
- The fastest light! I just turned it on and it’s already on!

Vovochka in response:
- And I had diarrhea, so I didn’t have time to say a word or turn on the light...

5. A blonde comes to the Auto Parts store and asks the seller:
- Do you have sensors?
- What sensors?
- Well, such that when I kick your butt the lights will light up...))

6. Calories are the germs that make your belly and butt grow.

7. - Girl, can I sit with you for a little while?
- It won’t work out a little, they’ll turn gray all over my head at once...

8. Husband to wife:
- What will you do if you see me kissing another woman?
- Well... like a faithful wife, I will visit you... in the traumatology department...

Fresh short jokes funny to tears

9. Hunting is a sport! Especially when the ammo runs out and the bear is still alive.

10. It happens that when you’re just about to get rich, you suddenly have to pay rent, or your shoes suddenly break...

11. Short ultrasound results showed: “There will be a wedding!”

1. What will you drink: champagne, beer, wine, vodka?
“Yes, I guess I’ll drink in that order.”

2. As my grandfather said: drinking is not a sport for you, you need health.

3. Oh, girls, what a smart man he has gone to. Someone whispers to me today on the bus:
- “Girl, your earring has come undone”... I stupidly blushed, give me some panties and a bra
check... I only found out from Google that it was a clasp on an earring.

4. The husband puts his tipsy wife to bed...
- Darling, what is that flying above us?
- Sleep! It's a fly!
- Why is she white?
Angry husband:
- It’s night outside!!!
She already put on her nightie!!!

5. Two vampires are sitting on a grave, and a little girl is running around. Runs around and teases. Tongue shows.
- Give it back! - the vampires ask her.
- Will not give it back!
- Give it back! We'll get down on our knees!
- Will not give it back!
A werewolf walks by. Stops. Looks at this disgrace.
- Hey, guys, why are you messing around with her?! Gobble it up - and that's the end of it!
- How do we eat it? She stole our glass with teeth!

6. Doctor:
— Do you drink alcohol?
Patient:
- No, only on highly ceremonial occasions.
- What do you consider such cases?
- When I have something to drink!

7. -I wonder if your daughter looks like her mother...
-How should I know? She hasn't started talking yet...

8. At dinner, the daughter wants to say something to her mother.
“They don’t talk at the table,” her mother interrupts. After dinner mother
asks:
-Well, what did you want to tell me? -Why did you forget the iron on your dad’s shirt?

Read funny jokes that will make you cry for free

9. It was a good week - in five working days I wanted to quit only three times.

10. Father and son are driving a car, the son is driving:
- Well, do I already know how to drive?
-Have you seen a beautiful girl in a miniskirt on the sidewalk?
- No.
- So you don’t know how yet, son, you don’t know how...

11. One vampire comes to visit another and sees him sitting next to a beautiful girl, creepy
dissatisfied.
- Why are you so angry?
- I am hungry.
– Also, the girl is nearby, drink her blood!
- I can not. I love her.
- So how do you live?
- How-how, like this: from menstruation to menstruation!

12. - Mom!!! Dad fell down the stairs!!!
- Yes!? And what did he say?
- Should I omit the swear words?
- Well, of course.
- ... fell silently.

12. Drinking the second one late means drinking the first one in vain!

13. A book is an inexhaustible source of bags for seeds.

14. The announcer is reporting.
- Our athlete literally destroyed his opponent.
A right hook, then a left, and finally a knockout uppercut.
- Yes, this is of course an unconditional victory.
But the judge still decided to disqualify our chess player.

15. The door swings open and a guy runs into the room:
- Great, dad!
The father-programmer sits at the computer, without turning his head, asks:
-Where have you been?
In the army.

This section contains short jokes that are very funny to the point of tears. Have fun, read, laugh, make yourself and others laugh, enjoy it, tell jokes, because laughter prolongs life, and they will say about you: “he is the true “soul” of any company!”

- Mom, mom, who did I get my brains from?
- From my father.
- How do you know?
- I still have mine.

Medical examination for driver's license.
Oculist:
Read the letters in the third row of the table.
Patient squinting:
Sorry, but where do you see the table?

Between blondes:
Yesterday my husband received an anonymous letter.
Wow, what a horror. From whom?

- Excuse me, why is your dog looking at me strangely?
- Do not pay attention! She looks like this every time someone eats from her plate.

Grandfather caught a goldfish.
“Tell me,” asks the fish, “is your old one still alive?”
- Yes, she’s alive...
“Well, then you’d better cook some fish soup off me.”

The girl got into the car and started screaming loudly and calling for help. A policeman was passing nearby, heard the screams and came up and asked:
- What's happened!
— They stole the steering wheel, the pedals, the lever!
The policeman answers:
- Girl, if you move to the front seat, then everything will fall into place.

Question to the blonde: How to kill a fish?
Answer: Try to drown her!

Two tramps meet:
- Where do you live?
- Nowhere.
- Yes, we are neighbors!

- I'm leaving you! I'm tired of your jokes about being overweight!
- Stop! Don't go! Think about our child!
- What child?
- Well, aren’t you pregnant?!

A person in line asks:
- Who is last?
Reply from the crowd:
- You!

— I wonder what to take with you to the sea to amaze everyone on the beach?!
- Take your skis...

A man sits high in a tree...
A man passes by and asks:
— What did Red Bull okrell?!
- No, - this is a new fur coat made from a pit bull!

A drunk is lying in front of the bar. A passerby leans towards him:
- Excuse me, are you really drunk or is this an advertisement for a bar?

—Where did you get such a good watch?
— A gift from my sister.
- But you don’t have a sister?!
“I don’t know, but it says so on the watch.”

— Why do blondes hang curtains on their computer monitors?
- Because it says “Windows” on it...

A drunk man gets into a taxi and begins to undress.
- What are you doing? - asks the driver. - Are you not at home!
- Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I left my shoes at the door...

Blonde:
- I can stop time!
- How?
— Remove the batteries from the watch...

— What is your favorite printed publication?
- Money.

Conversation on a mobile phone:
- Hello, can you talk?
- Yes.
- Well, then listen...

— What are the three most common words in the world? - "I love you"?- Nonsense! "Made in China".

Our new friends, to my husband:
— Your wife looks very young!
Husband:
- Of course, vampires don’t age!

Tell me, son, do you smoke weed?
- Dad... I am your daughter.

Girl, do you love animals?
- Very!
- Take me to you, I’m such a beast!

Phone conversation: - Hello, dear, what are you doing?- Nothing special, I'm very tired. I want to go to bed, and you?- I'm standing right behind you at the bar...

The wife looks in the mirror and asks her husband:
- Darling, what do you like most about me - my beautiful face or my body?
Husband:
- Your sense of humor.

- Darling, do you know where our book “How to Live 100 Years?” - Threw it away. Your mother wanted to read it.

Buyer asks:
- Well, okay, the house is really nice, and the area is quiet?
- Yes! Last month there were two murders and five rapes and a dozen robberies in the area, and no one heard a thing!

A drunk patient enters the doctor's office and asks:
“Which of you two will examine me?”
- Please don't come in as a group of four!

— What are blondes looking for at the bottom of the ocean?
- Leonardo DiCaprio!

Woman insults her husband
“I was deaf and blind when I married you!”
- You see what diseases I cured you of, I am a responsible person.

- Doctor, how can I tell you, well, I have a feeling that everyone is ignoring me...
- Next, please!

Mother and child at the zoo:
- Darling, don’t come close to the tiger’s cage!
- Calm down, mom, I won’t do anything!

- Why haven’t you gotten married yet?
“I’m not a fool to marry that fool who agrees to marry me.”

- Waiter! - a restaurant visitor shouts indignantly. — I have a piece of iron in my plate.
“Of course, if there was a piece of gold there, you wouldn’t shout so much.”

Two blondes talking:
- Look how beautiful the landscape is.
The other one answers:
“I can’t see anything because of these trees!”

A programmer goes with his son to the zoo. The child saw a penguin:
- Dad, dad, look - Linux!

When you are in a company, you understand that your friends are bored, cheer them up. Use moments such as the opportunity for self-expression to become the “life of the party”; tell interesting, funny jokes.
In this section you can read new jokes, very funny short ones, you can laugh until you cry.