Anna Vyrubova. The slandered admirer of the slandered elder

Vyrubova Anna Alexandrovna (Anya, Big Baby, Disabled, Cow, Cow), 1884-1964, née Taneyeva, maid of honor, closest and most devoted friend of the Tsarina (1904-1918), ardent admirer of Grigory Rasputin, miraculously escaped death in Russia, She took monastic vows abroad and was buried in Helsinki.

Vyrubova (Taneeva) Anna Alexandrovna (1884-1964), daughter of the chief administrator of His Imperial Majesty’s Own Chancellery A. S. Taneyev. Maid of honor (since 1904). Since 1903, maid of honor of Empress Alexandra Feodorovna. In the papers of Grigory Rasputin’s entourage, she appears under the nickname “Annushka”.

Since 1907, married to senior lieutenant A.V. Vyrubov, she soon divorced. Alexandra Feodorovna's closest friend. An ardent admirer of Rasputin, who was a mediator between him and the royal family. During the First World War, with money received as compensation for injury resulting from a train accident, she organized a military hospital in Tsarskoe Selo, where she worked as a nurse along with the Empress and her daughters. After the February Revolution she was arrested; in March - June 1917 she was imprisoned in the Peter and Paul Fortress, then in Sveaborg. She was accused of influencing politics and having intimate relations with Rasputin. She was subjected to a special medical examination by the Extraordinary Investigative Commission (EIC), which established Vyrubova’s virginity. Released at the request of the Petrograd Soviet. For some time she lived freely in Petrograd and met with M. Gorky several times; tried to organize the salvation of the royal family. After a new arrest in October 1918, she fled and hid in Petrograd. In 1920, she went to Finland illegally. She took monastic vows at the Valaam Monastery. She lived in the world as a secret nun. She died in Finland.

Anna Alexandrovna Vyrubova- maid of honor and close friend of Empress Alexandra Feodorovna.

Biography

She was born on July 16, 1884 in St. Petersburg. Family: father - Alexander Sergeevich Taneyev - State Secretary and Chief Manager of His Imperial Majesty's Own Chancellery (twenty years of service), in addition, was a composer; mother Nadezhda Illarionovna Tolstaya, great-great-granddaughter of Field Marshal Kutuzov. Anna spent her childhood in Moscow and on her family estate near Moscow. In 1902 she entered study at the St. Petersburg educational district to become a home teacher. Anna was a kind, trusting, sincere, meek, deeply religious person. In January 1904, Anna Taneyeva was approved as a maid of honor to the Imperial Court. The Empress immediately experienced warm feelings for Anna. They had intimate conversations at the piano, because upon arriving in Russia, Alexandra Fedorovna felt a cool attitude towards herself. Having become a close friend of the Empress, Anna devotedly served the Royal Family for many years, accompanied them on their travels, and attended closed family meetings. For her closeness to the Royal Family, Anna Alexandrovna had to endure humiliation, gossip and even accusations of espionage. Envious people spread a lot of not very good rumors. The reason was the difficult situation in the country, the bourgeois revolution and the abdication of Nicholas II from the throne. Anna Vyrubova was sometimes used to insult the Emperor's family. Taneyeva was not at all interested in politics and had nothing to do with it. She was a fan of Grigory Rasputin. In 1907, Anna Taneyeva married naval officer Alexander Vyrubov, but the family did not work out. After the unfortunate experience, she no longer had a personal life.

First World War and Revolution

During the First World War, Vyrubova worked in the infirmary as a nurse next to the Empress and her daughters. She also took part in helping the front. On January 2, 1915, a train accident occurred. Anna Vyrubova left for the city at five o’clock in the morning and a few kilometers before St. Petersburg everything happened. Anna was very badly injured. Vyrubova survived and remained disabled for the rest of her life: she moved in a wheelchair, and later on crutches; at an older age - with a stick. The railroad gave Anna compensation for her disability, for which she created a military hospital for disabled soldiers, where they underwent rehabilitation. Anna, like no one else, understood them. After the February Revolution of 1917, Vyrubova was captured by the Provisional Government. Despite her state of health, she was kept in inhumane conditions in the Peter and Paul Fortress on suspicion of espionage and treason. They spat in her face, took off her outer clothing and underwear, beat her in the face (at that time she could hardly walk on crutches), after which “due to the lack of evidence of a crime” she was released. Anna was repeatedly arrested and interrogated. In August 1917, the Provisional Government issued a decree to expel her from Russia; it was even written in the newspapers. At the end of September, Vyrubova’s mother begged for Anna’s release. Anna was brought to Smolny and released again. Still, the danger of an inevitable new arrest hung over her. For more than a year she took refuge with acquaintances and friends. I lived with poor people, students, with people whom I once helped. In December 1920, Vyrubova and her mother were able to illegally move to Finland and took monastic vows at the Valaam Monastery, where they lived for forty years with the surname Taneyeva. Their Majesty's maid of honor died in July 1964 (she lived for eighty years). She was buried in the Orthodox cemetery in Helsinki.

Exile

In exile, Anna Taneyeva presented the facts of her life in the autobiographical book “Pages of My Life.” The book was published in 1923 in Paris. The authenticity of reprinted editions may later be doubted. The country's authorities distorted the facts in every possible way.

Screen version of life story

In 2005, Finnish television showed a documentary about Anna Vyrubova, which showed the difficult life, intrigues around Anna, and accusations against her. She is shown in the film as a victim of conspiracies and a hostage of loyalty to the imperial family. The film "Anna Taneyeva-Vyrubova" (2011) was released in Russia.

The last Russian Tsar Nicholas II and his wife Alexandra Feodorovna (German Princess Alice of Hesse-Darmstadt) had quite a few true friends and people whom they completely trusted. But there were some. The role of the closest person to the royal couple was played by Her Majesty's maid of honor Anna Aleksandrovna Vyrubova.

The enemies of Nicholas II and his family hated Anna Vyrubova almost more than the Russian emperor himself and his wife. Today, fans of the last Russian Tsar, on the contrary, have raised not only the royal couple, but also Vyrubova, who remained faithful to them until their last days. The truth, as is almost always the case, is located somewhere in the middle.

Anna Vyrubova belonged to that type of people who can be called eternal helpers, companions, servants of the powers that be. Many doubted her sincerity. But in vain. Creatures of this type are distinguished by absolutely canine devotion towards those whom they have chosen as their “masters”. And they completely subordinate their lives to their interests. One should not, of course, ignore the fact that the maid of honor chose not just anyone but the Emperor and Empress of the Russian Empire as her master. But one should doubt rather not her sincerity, but her mind.

Anna Taneyeva was born in 1884 into the family of the manager of the imperial chancellery. Her mother was the great-great-granddaughter of the great commander Kutuzov. The girl was distinguished by meekness and... clumsiness: chubby, heavyset, with gentle blue eyes, Anna belonged to those who, figuratively speaking, are not appointed first violins in orchestras.

And God knows what kind of education she received: at the beginning of the 20th century, the girl Taneyeva became the owner of a diploma as a home teacher. Her finest hour struck in 1904, when the nineteen-year-old aristocrat was taken as a maid of honor by Alexandra Feodorovna, the wife of Emperor Nicholas II. By that time, the queen had been living in Russia for ten years. She accepted Orthodoxy, not only officially, but also in her soul: the Tsar’s wife observed the rituals and spoke and wrote a lot about her devotion to the new faith.

The queen loved her husband no less than the new religion. Their marriage was happy: each spouse became the other's best friend. But somehow the empress could not find particularly close friends before meeting Vyrubova. She was not loved either at court, much less outside it - because she was a German, because she behaved arrogantly, coldly and primly, because she was hysterical, because she was narrow-minded: she viewed people’s actions exclusively from a religious perspective. point of view - what is sin and what is not. The Chairman of the Council of Ministers of the Russian Empire, Count Sergei Witte, directly called the tsarina “abnormal” and believed that it was the alliance with her that aggravated the shortcomings of the weak-willed tsar.

In such a situation and with such a set of personal qualities, the queen really needed a close friend who would accept her for who she is, listen to her, agree with her and would always be devoted to her. Alexandra found such a person in Anna Taneyeva. Here the maid of honor's shortcomings turned out to her advantage. The Empress did not need a beauty, a clever girl, or a socialite as a confidante. The queen herself did not grab stars from the sky and surrounded herself with her own kind.

In addition, Alexandra Feodorovna and her closest friend had a common passion: an attachment to mysticism. In the queen, this passion blossomed especially strongly after it became clear: the heir to the throne, Tsarevich Alexei, suffered from hemophilia.

So, 1904 became a turning point for the court: that year a sick heir was born, and Vyrubova turned out to be the closest to the imperial family.

The following year, another significant event happened in the emperor's family: Militsa Nikolaevna, the wife of Grand Duke Peter Nikolaevich, introduced the king and his wife to Grigory Rasputin. The “elder” said that he cures all diseases, including hemophilia. According to rumors, Rasputin actually “charmed” the bleeding of young Alexei.

In addition to Militsa, who is insanely prone to mysticism, Taneyeva also took an active part in the “advertising campaign” for the magician. In 1907 she was married to officer Vyrubov. But the marriage, without lasting even a year, broke up. It was then that Anna remembered the “elder’s” prediction. This is how she wrote about it in her memoirs: “I asked him (Rasputin - author's note) to pray so that I could devote my whole life to serving Their Majesties. “So it will be,” he replied, and I went home. A month later I wrote to the Grand Duchess, asking her to ask Rasputin about my wedding. She answered me that Rasputin said that I would get married, but there would be no happiness in my life.” Gregory reminded her of her idol John of Kronstadt, who, in her opinion, healed her of typhoid fever in 1902.

In general, after the divorce, Vyrubova shared the queen’s passion for the “elder” with even greater fervor. Now alone and devoted to the royal family, Anna Alexandrovna always lived close to the august family. She embroidered with the empress and her daughters, had everyday conversations, and read religious books. Grigory Rasputin called her Annushka in his own way. The maid of honor successfully served as a mediator between the “elder” and the queen, sending for him when Alexandra or the heir needed him.

The strange “quartet” - the Tsar, the Tsarina, Rasputin and Vyrubova - unbalanced not only representatives of the liberal and highly educated Russian intelligentsia. The court nobility and members of the royal family did not understand this friendship. The other ladies-in-waiting were openly jealous of the queen for her best friend and confidante.

Russia was full of terrible rumors: that the “elder” was in an intimate relationship with Vyrubova, and with the queen, and even with her daughters. The country was shaken by various cataclysms: the revolution of 1905, the war of 1914, and constant social unrest.

But the cozy world of the quiet palace in Tsarskoe Selo seemed to know no shocks. And his stronghold was in many ways the meek and blue-eyed Annushka Vyrubova. However, years later she wrote: “When I remember all the events of that time, it seems to me as if the Court and high society were like a big madhouse, everything was so confusing and strange.”

In 1914, Vyrubova, together with the Tsarina and her daughters, worked as a nurse in a hospital for the wounded. But even this humane and selfless work did not raise the prestige of the Romanov court in the eyes of the public. The reputation of the august family and their favorite was irrevocably undermined.

At the beginning of 1915, Anna Alexandrovna, on her way from Tsarskoe Selo to the capital, was involved in a terrible train accident. She, seriously injured and bleeding, was pulled out of the crumpled train. The treatment took several months. Now Vyrubova moved in a wheelchair or on crutches. The railway paid the imperial favorite a huge compensation. With this money, Anna organized a hospital for the military.

During his illness, the Tsar and especially the Tsarina spent hours every day at the bedside of their beloved Annushka. Gradually she felt better...

But the cozy little world was crumbling before our eyes. In December 1916, a group of noble conspirators, dissatisfied with the active activities of the energetic “elder” at court, killed him. This became something of a signal for the beginning of the revolution in Russia.

After the February events of 1917, Vyrubova was arrested. In parting, she only had time to exchange icons with the Tsar and Tsarina. She remembered their tear-stained faces well - Anna Alexandrovna never saw her closest friends again.

She was released for a short time. But after the October Revolution, the maid of honor was taken into custody by the Bolsheviks.

In prison, everyone's curiosity was satisfied: Vyrubova was checked for connections with Rasputin. The suspicions turned out to be false: the maid of honor was a virgin.

She managed to escape from arrest. For many months, the “eternal shadow” of the empress hid among strangers. In 1920, faithful people helped the former maid of honor and her mother escape to Finland across the ice of the Gulf of Finland.

Anna Alexandrovna spent the rest of her long life, until 1964, in Helsinki. After the death of her mother, Vyrubova took monastic vows and became nun Maria. She wrote memoirs in which she expressed her love for the royal couple. But at the same time, the queen’s best friend herself admitted: the cataclysms that occurred in Russia were largely provoked by the incorrect behavior of her best friends.

Anna Aleksandrovna Vyrubova(born Taneyeva; July 16, Russian Empire - July 20, Helsinki, Finland) - daughter of the chief administrator of His Imperial Majesty's Own Chancellery A.S. Taneyev, great-great-great-granddaughter of Field Marshal Kutuzov, maid of honor, closest and most devoted friend of Empress Alexandra Feodorovna. She was considered one of the most ardent fans of Grigory Rasputin.

Life

Anna Vyrubova on a walk in a wheelchair with V.Kn. Olga Nikolaevna, 1915-1916 (photo from the Beinecke Library)

Taneyeva spent her childhood in Moscow and on the family estate Rozhdestveno near Moscow.

In 1902, she passed the exam at the St. Petersburg educational district for the title of home teacher.

In January 1904, Anna Taneyeva “received a code” - she was appointed city maid of honor, whose duties were to be on duty at balls and appearances under Empress Alexandra Feodorovna.

After this, becoming a close friend of the empress, she was close to the imperial family for many years, accompanied them on many journeys and trips, and was present at closed family events.

Taneyeva was well acquainted with Grigory Rasputin. At her dacha in Tsarskoe Selo, he repeatedly met with members of the imperial family.

In 1907, Anna Taneyeva married naval officer Alexander Vyrubov in Tsarskoe Selo, but the marriage was short-lived and broke up the following year.

With the outbreak of World War I, Vyrubova began working in the hospital as a nurse along with the Empress and her daughters. She also participated in many other events aimed at helping the front and disabled soldiers.

On January 2 (15), 1915, while leaving Tsarskoe Selo for Petrograd, Anna Vyrubova was involved in a train accident, receiving injuries of such severity (including head injuries) that doctors expected an imminent death. However, Vyrubova survived, although she remained crippled for life: after that she could only move in a wheelchair or on crutches; in later years - with a stick. Afterwards, her attending physician Vera Gedroits, with whom she had a tense relationship, began to be blamed for her disability.

Using monetary compensation for the injury, she organized a military hospital in Tsarskoe Selo.

After the February Revolution, she was arrested by the Provisional Government and, despite her disability, was kept in the Peter and Paul Fortress for several months in difficult conditions on suspicion of espionage and treason, after which “due to the lack of evidence of a crime” she was released.

At the end of August 1917, the Provisional Government decided to deport her abroad; a message about this appeared in the newspapers indicating the day and hour of her departure. In Finland, at the Rihimäkki station, a huge crowd of soldiers took her off the train and she was taken through Helsingfors to the imperial yacht Polar Star, which headed to Sveaborg. A whole month was spent on efforts, and at the end of September N.I. Taneyeva (Vyrubova’s mother) achieved the release of her daughter through Trotsky. A. A. Vyrubova was returned from Sveaborg, taken to Smolny and released again. However, the threat of an imminent new arrest still weighed on her.

Memoirs and “diary” of Vyrubova

In exile, Anna Taneyeva wrote an autobiographical book, “Pages of My Life.”

In the 1920s, the so-called “The Diary of Vyrubova,” but its falsity was almost immediately exposed even by Soviet critics and scientists. Since the “Diary” began to be reprinted abroad, Vyrubova herself had to publicly refute its authenticity. (A number of forged letters written during Soviet times were also attributed to her.)

The most likely authors of the “Diary” are considered to be the Soviet writer A. N. Tolstoy and history professor P. E. Shchegolev (who jointly wrote the play “The Conspiracy of the Empress” with a very similar plot and leitmotifs during the same period). In the book of the head of the Federal Archive Service of Russia, corresponding member of the Russian Academy of Sciences V.P. Kozlov, it is written about this:

The entire set of elements of “covering up” the falsification, the richest factual material suggests that the forger’s pen was in the hands of a professional historian, who was not only well versed in the facts and historical sources of the turn of two centuries, but also possessed the appropriate professional skills. Already the first critical speeches hinted at the name of the famous literary critic and historian, archaeographer and bibliographer P. E. Shchegolev. It is difficult to doubt this even now, although documentary evidence of this guess has not yet been found.

Pages of my life. Anna Taneyeva (Vyrubova)

Starting with prayer and a feeling of deep reverence to the story of my sacred friendship with Empress Alexandra Feodorovna, I want to say briefly who I am, and how I, raised in a close family circle, could get closer to my Empress.

My father, Alexander Sergeevich Taneyev, held a prominent position as Secretary of State and Chief Administrator of His Imperial Majesty's Chancellery for twenty years. By a strange coincidence, the same post was occupied by his grandfather and father under Alexander I, Nicholas I, Alexander II and Alexander III.

My grandfather, General Tolstoy, was the aide-de-camp of Emperor Alexander II, and his great-grandfather was the famous Field Marshal Kutuzov. The mother's great-grandfather was Count Kutaisov, a friend of Emperor Paul I.

Despite my father's high position, our family life was simple and modest. In addition to his official duties, his entire life interest was focused on his family and his favorite music - he occupied a prominent place among Russian composers. I remember quiet evenings at home: my brother, sister and I, seated at a round table, prepared our homework, my mother worked, and my father, sitting at the piano, studied composition. I thank God for a happy childhood, in which I gained strength for the difficult experiences of subsequent years.

***
We girls received our education at home and passed the exam to become teachers in the district. Sometimes, through our father, we sent our drawings and works to the Empress, who praised us, but at the same time told her father that she was amazed that Russian young ladies do not know either housekeeping or needlework and are not interested in anything other than officers.

Raised in England and Germany, the Empress did not like the empty atmosphere of St. Petersburg society, and she still hoped to instill a taste for work. To this end, she founded the Handicraft Society, whose members, ladies and young ladies, were required to make at least three things a year for the poor. At first everyone began to work, but soon, as with everything, our ladies lost interest, and no one could work even three things a year.

***
Life at the Court at that time was cheerful and carefree. At the age of 17, I was first introduced to the Empress Mother in Peterhof in her palace. At first terribly shy, I soon got used to it and had a lot of fun. During this first winter I managed to attend 22 balls, not counting various other amusements. Probably. Overwork affected my health - and in the summer, having contracted typhoid fever, I was near death for 3 months. My brother and I were sick at the same time, but his illness progressed normally, and after 6 weeks he recovered; I developed inflammation of the lungs, kidneys and brain, my tongue was lost, and I lost my hearing. During the long, painful nights, I once saw Fr. John of Kronstadt, who told me that things would soon be better.

As a child, Fr. John of Kronstadt visited us 3 times and with his gracious presence left a deep impression on my soul, and now it seemed to me that he could help more than the doctors and nurses who looked after me. I somehow managed to explain my request: to call Fr. John, - and his father immediately sent him a telegram, which, however, he did not immediately receive, since he was in his homeland. Half-forgotten, I felt that Fr. John is coming to us, and I was not surprised when he entered my room. He served a prayer service, placing the stole on my head. At the end of the prayer service, he took a glass of water, blessed and poured it over me, to the horror of the sister and doctor, who rushed to wipe me off. I immediately fell asleep, and the next day the fever subsided, my hearing returned, and I began to get better.

Grand Duchess Elizaveta Feodorovna visited me three times, and the Empress sent wonderful flowers, which they placed in my hands while I was unconscious.

***
At the end of February 1905, my mother received a telegram from Her Serene Highness Princess Golitsyna, the Empress’ Chamberlain, who asked to let me go on duty - to replace the sick retinue maid of honor, Princess Orbelyani. I immediately went with my mother to Tsarskoe Selo. They gave me an apartment at the museum - small gloomy rooms overlooking the Church of the Sign. Even if the apartment had been more welcoming, I still could hardly overcome the feeling of loneliness, being away from my family for the first time in my life, surrounded by a court atmosphere that was alien to me.

Moreover, the Court was in mourning. On February 4 (hereinafter all dates are given according to the old style. - Ed.) Grand Duke Sergei Alexandrovich, the Moscow Governor-General, was brutally murdered. According to rumors, he was not liked in Moscow, where a serious revolutionary movement had begun, and the Grand Duke was in daily danger.

The Grand Duchess, despite the difficult character of the Grand Duke, was endlessly devoted to him and was afraid to let him go alone. But on that fateful day he left without her knowledge. Hearing a terrible explosion, she exclaimed: “It is Serge.” She hastily ran out of the palace, and a horrifying picture was presented to her eyes: the body of the Grand Duke, torn into hundreds of pieces.

The sad mood at the Court weighed heavily on the soul of the lonely girl. They sewed me a black mourning dress, and I also wore a long crepe veil, like the rest of the maids of honor.

At the request of the Empress, my main duty was to spend time with my sick maid of honor, Princess Orbegliani, who suffered from progressive paralysis. Due to her illness, her character was very difficult. The rest of the court ladies were also not distinguished by their courtesy, I suffered from their frequent ridicule - they especially made fun of my French language.

There was a fast, and on Wednesdays and Fridays, presanctified liturgies for the Empress were served in the camp church of the Alexander Palace. I asked and received permission to attend these services. My friend was Princess Shakhovskaya, maid of honor to Grand Duchess Elizabeth Feodorovna, who had just become orphaned. Always kind and affectionate, she was the first to give me religious books to read.

Holy Week approached, and they announced to me that my duty was over. The Empress called me into the nursery to say goodbye. I found her in the corner playing room, surrounded by children, with the Heir in her arms. I was amazed by his beauty - he looked so much like a cherub: his whole head was covered in golden curls, huge blue eyes, a white lace dress. The Empress let me hold him in my arms and immediately gave me a medallion (a gray heart-shaped stone surrounded by diamonds) as a souvenir of my first duty, and said goodbye to me.

***
Simple, friendly relations were established between me and the Empress, and I prayed to God to help me dedicate my entire life to the service of Their Majesties. I soon learned that Her Majesty also wanted to bring me closer to her.

We started playing with the Empress in 4 hands. I played well and was used to understanding the notes, but from excitement I lost my place and my fingers froze. We played Beethoven, Tchaikovsky and other composers. I remember our first conversations at the piano and sometimes before bed. I remember how little by little she opened her soul to me, telling me how from the first days of her arrival in Russia she felt that she was not loved, and this was doubly difficult for her, since she married the Tsar only because she loved him , and, loving the Emperor, she hoped that their mutual happiness would bring the hearts of their subjects closer to them.

Not all at once, but little by little, the empress told me about her youth. These conversations brought us closer... I remained a friend and remained with her, not a maid of honor, not a lady of the court, but simply a friend of the Empress Alexandra Feodorovna.

***
In the family circle they often said that it was time for me to get married. Among others, naval officer Alexander Vyrubov often visited us. In December he proposed to me. My wedding took place on April 30, 1907 in the church of the Great Tsarskoye Selo Palace. I didn’t sleep all night and got up in the morning with a heavy feeling in my soul. This whole day passed like a dream... During the wedding, I felt like a stranger next to my fiancé... It’s hard for a woman to talk about a marriage that was unsuccessful from the very beginning, and I will only say that my poor husband suffered from a hereditary disease. The husband's nervous system was greatly shocked after the Japanese war - in Tsushima; there were moments when he could not control himself; I lay in bed for days without talking to anyone. After a year of difficult experiences and humiliation, our unhappy marriage was dissolved. I stayed to live in a tiny house in Tsarskoe Selo, which my husband and I rented; the room was very cold, since there was no foundation and in winter it blew from the floor. For my wedding, the Empress gave me 6 chairs, with her own embroidery, watercolors and a lovely tea table. I felt very comfortable. When Their Majesties came for tea in the evening, the Empress brought fruits and sweets in her pocket, and the Sovereign brought “cherry brandy.” We then sat with our feet on chairs so that our feet would not freeze. Their Majesties were amused by the simple surroundings. They drank tea with crackers by the fireplace.

***
In the autumn of 1909, for the first time I was in Livadia, the favorite place of stay of Their Majesties on the shores of the Black Sea... Life in Livadia was simple. We walked, rode horses, swam in the sea. The Emperor adored nature and was completely reborn; We walked for hours in the mountains and in the forest. We took tea with us and fried the mushrooms we collected over the fire. The Emperor rode horseback and played tennis every day; I was always his partner while the Grand Duchesses were still little... In the fall, the Heir fell ill. Everyone in the palace was depressed by the poor boy's suffering. Nothing helped him except the care and care of his mother. Those around them prayed in the small palace church. Sometimes we sang during the all-night vigil and mass: Her Majesty, the senior Grand Duchesses, myself and two singers from the court chapel. By Christmas we returned to Tsarskoe Selo. Before leaving, the Emperor walked several times in a soldier’s marching uniform, wanting to experience the weight of the ammunition himself. There were several curious cases when the guards, not recognizing the Emperor, did not want to let him back into Livadia.

Describing life in Crimea, I must say how ardently the Empress took part in the fate of tuberculosis patients who came to Crimea for treatment. Sanatoriums in Crimea were of the old type. After examining them all in Yalta, the Empress decided to immediately build sanatoriums with all the improvements on their estates using her personal funds, which was done.

For hours, on the orders of the Empress, I traveled to hospitals, asking patients on behalf of the Empress about all their needs. How much money I brought from Her Majesty to pay for the treatment of the poor! If I found some glaring case of a lonely dying patient, the Empress immediately ordered a car and went with me personally, bringing money, flowers, fruit, and most importantly, the charm that she always knew how to inspire in such cases, bringing with her into the dying person’s room so much affection and cheerfulness. How many tears of gratitude I have seen! But no one knew about it - the Empress forbade me to talk about it.

On the day of the “white flower” the Empress went to Yalta in a chaise with baskets of white flowers; the children accompanied her on foot. The delight of the population knew no bounds. The people, at that time untouched by revolutionary propaganda, adored Their Majesties, and this cannot be forgotten.

***
I remember our trips in winter to church for the all-night vigil. The Empress slowly kissed the icons, lit a candle with a trembling hand and prayed on her knees; but the watchman found out - he ran to the altar, the priest became alarmed; They run after the singers and illuminate the dark temple. The Empress is in despair and, turning to me, whispers that she wants to leave. What to do? The sleigh has been sent away. Meanwhile, children and various aunts run into the church, who try, pushing each other, to pass by the Empress and light a candle at the icon where she stood, forgetting why they came; as they light the candles, they turn to look at her, and she is no longer able to pray, she becomes nervous... How many churches have we visited like this! There were happy days when we were not recognized, and the Empress prayed - moving away from earthly vanity in her soul, kneeling on the stone floor, unnoticed by anyone, in the corner of a dark temple. Returning to her royal chambers, she came to dinner, flushed from the frosty air, with slightly tear-stained eyes, calm, leaving her worries and sorrows in the hands of the Almighty God.

Brought up in a small court, the Empress knew the value of money and therefore was thrifty. Dresses and shoes were passed from the older Grand Duchesses to the younger ones. When she chose gifts for her family or friends, she always took into account the prices.

I personally did not receive any money from the Empress and was often in a difficult situation. I received 400 rubles a month from my parents. They paid 2,000 rubles a year for the dacha. I had to pay the servants' wages and dress as was required at Court, so I never had any money. Her Majesty's ladies-in-waiting received 4 thousand a year for everything ready. I remember how the Empress’s brother, the Grand Duke of Hesse, told the Empress to give me an official place at the Court: then the conversations would cease, and it would be easier for me. But the Empress refused, saying: “Does the All-Russian Empress really not have the right to have a friend! After all, the Empress-Mother had a friend - Princess A. A. Obolenskaya, and Empress Maria Alexandrovna was friends with Mrs. Maltseva.”

Subsequently, the Minister of the Court, Count Fredericks, spoke many times with Her Majesty about my difficult financial situation. At first, the Empress began to give me dresses and materials for the holidays; finally, calling me one day, she said that she wanted to talk to me about a money issue. She asked how much I spent per month, but I couldn’t give an exact figure; then, taking a pencil and paper, she began to calculate with me: salary, kitchen, kerosene, etc. It came out to 270 rubles a month. Her Majesty wrote to Count Fredericks asking that this sum be sent to her from the Ministry of the Court, which she gave to me every first day. After the revolution, during a search, these envelopes were found with the inscription “270 rubles” and 25 rubles in cash. After all the talk, the members of the Investigative Commission were amazed. We searched all the banks and found nothing! Her Majesty has been paying 2 thousand for my dacha in recent years. The only money I had was the 100,000 rubles I received for injury from the railroad. I built an infirmary on them. Everyone thought that I was rich, and it cost me so much tears to refuse my request for financial help - no one believed that I had nothing.

***
The year 1914 began peacefully and calmly for everyone, which became fatal for our poor Motherland and almost for the whole world. But personally, I have had many difficult experiences; The Empress, without any reason, began to be very jealous of me towards the Emperor.

Considering herself offended in her most cherished feelings, the Empress, apparently, could not resist pouring out her bitterness in letters to loved ones, painting my personality in far from attractive colors.

But, thank God, our friendship, my boundless love and devotion to Their Majesties victoriously passed the test and, as anyone can see from the Empress’s later letters in the same edition, and even more from those appended to this book, “the misunderstanding did not last long, and then left no trace.” disappeared,” and subsequently the deeply friendly relations between me and the Empress grew to the point of complete indestructibility, so that no subsequent trials, not even death itself, could separate us from each other.

***
The days before the declaration of war were terrible; I saw and felt how the Emperor was being persuaded to take a dangerous step; war seemed inevitable. The Empress tried with all her might to keep him, but all her reasonable beliefs and requests led to nothing. I played tennis with the children every day; returning, she found the Emperor pale and upset. From conversations with him, I saw that he, too, considered war inevitable, but he consoled himself with the fact that war strengthens national and monarchical feelings, that Russia will become even more powerful after the war, that this is not the first war, etc.

We moved to Tsarskoe Selo, where the Empress organized a special evacuation point, which included about 85 infirmaries in Tsarskoe Selo, Pavlovsk, Peterhof, Luga, Sablina and other places. These hospitals were served by about 10 sanitary trains named after her and the children. In order to better manage the activities of the infirmaries, the Empress decided to personally take a course of wartime nurses with the two senior Grand Duchesses and me. As a teacher, the Empress chose Princess Gedroits, a female surgeon in charge of the Palace Hospital... Standing behind the surgeon, the Empress, like every operating nurse, handed over sterilized instruments, cotton wool and bandages, carried away amputated legs and arms, bandaged gangrenous wounds, not disdaining anything and steadfastly enduring the smells and horrific images of a military hospital during the war.

Having passed the exam, the Empress and the children, along with other sisters who completed the course, received red crosses and certificates for the title of sisters of mercy during the war... A terribly difficult and tiring time began... At 9 o'clock in the morning, the Empress went every day to the Church of the Sign, to the miraculous image, and from there we went to work at the infirmary. Having quickly had breakfast, the Empress devoted the entire day to inspecting other hospitals.

***
Shortly after the events I have related, a train accident occurred on January 2, 1915. I left the Empress at 5 o’clock and went to the city with the 5.20 train... Not reaching 6 versts to St. Petersburg, suddenly there was a terrible roar, and I felt that I was falling somewhere head down and hitting the ground; my legs got tangled, probably in the heating pipes, and I felt them break. For a minute I lost consciousness. When I came to my senses, there was silence and darkness all around. Then the screams and groans of the wounded and dying were heard, crushed under the ruins of the carriages. I myself could neither move nor scream; I had a huge iron bar lying on my head and blood was flowing from my throat. I prayed to die soon, as I was suffering unbearably... For four hours I lay on the floor without any help. The arriving doctor came up to me and said: “She’s dying, you shouldn’t touch her!” A soldier of the railway regiment, sitting on the floor, put my broken legs on his lap, covered me with his overcoat (it was 20 degrees below zero), since my fur coat was torn into pieces.

I remember how they carried me through the crowd of people in Tsarskoe Selo, and I saw the Empress and all the Grand Duchesses in tears. I was transferred to an ambulance, and the Empress immediately jumped into it; sitting down on the floor, she held my head in her lap and encouraged me; I whispered to her that I was dying. For the next six weeks I suffered day and night with inhuman suffering.

***
The railroad gave me 100,000 rubles for the injury. With this money I founded an infirmary for disabled soldiers, where they learned all kinds of crafts; We started with 60 people, and then expanded to 100. Having experienced how hard it is to be a cripple, I wanted to make their life at least a little easier in the future. After all, upon arrival home, their families would begin to look at them as an extra mouth! A year later, we graduated 200 artisans, shoemakers, and bookbinders. This infirmary immediately went amazingly... subsequently, perhaps more than once, my dear disabled people saved my life during the revolution. Still, there are people who remember the good.

***
It is difficult and disgusting to talk about Petrograd society, which, despite the war, had fun and caroused all day long. Restaurants and theaters flourished. According to the stories of one French dressmaker, in no other season were so many suits ordered as in the winter of 1915-1916, and so many diamonds were not bought: it was as if the war did not exist.

In addition to revelry, the society entertained itself with a new and very interesting activity - spreading all kinds of gossip about Empress Alexandra Feodorovna. My sister told me a typical case. One morning Mrs. Derfelden flew in to her with the words: “Today we are spreading rumors in factories that the Empress is getting the Tsar drunk, and everyone believes it.” I am telling you about this typical case, since this lady was very close to the grand ducal circle, which overthrew Their Majesties from the throne and unexpectedly themselves.

The atmosphere in the city thickened, rumors and slander against the Empress began to assume monstrous proportions, but Their Majesties, and especially the Sovereign, continued to attach no importance to them and treated these rumors with complete contempt, not noticing the impending danger.

How often have I seen anger and ill will in the eyes of courtiers and various high-ranking persons. I always noticed all these views and realized that it could not be otherwise after the persecution and slander that was launched through me to denigrate the Empress.

***
We went to Headquarters to visit the Emperor. Probably all these eminent foreigners who lived at Headquarters worked equally with Sir Buchanan (English Ambassador - Ed.). There were many of them: General Williams with a headquarters from England, General Janin from France, General Rikkel - a Belgian, as well as Italian, Serbian and Japanese generals and officers. One day after breakfast, all of them and our generals and staff officers crowded into the garden while Their Majesties were talking with the guests. Behind me, foreign officers were talking loudly, calling the Empress offensive names and making comments publicly... I walked away, I felt almost sick.

The Grand Dukes and officials of the headquarters were invited to breakfast, but the Grand Dukes often “fell ill” and did not appear for breakfast during Her Majesty’s arrival; General Alekseev (Chief of Staff - Ed.) also “fell ill.” The Emperor did not want to notice their absence. The Empress was tormented, not knowing what to do. I personally constantly guessed various insults, both in glances and in “kind” handshakes, and I understood that this anger was directed through me at the Empress.

Among the lies, intrigues and malice, there was, however, one bright place in Mogilev, where I brought my sick soul and tears. It was the Brotherhood Monastery. Behind a high stone wall on the main street is a lonely white temple, where two or three monks celebrated services, spending their lives in poverty and deprivation. There was a miraculous icon of the Mogilev Mother of God, whose good face shone in the twilight of the poor stone church. Every day I snatched a minute to go and venerate the icon. Having heard about the icon, the Empress also went to the monastery twice. The Emperor was also there, but in our absence. In one of the most difficult moments of mental anguish, when an inevitable catastrophe seemed close to me, I remember I took my diamond earrings to the Mother of God. By a strange coincidence, the only small icon that I was later allowed to have in the fortress was the icon of the Mother of God of Mogilev - having taken away all the others, the soldiers threw it on my lap. Hundreds of times a day and during terrible nights I pressed her to my chest.

My soul became heavier and heavier; General Voeikov complained that the Grand Dukes sometimes ordered trains for themselves an hour before the Tsar’s departure, without regard for him, and if the general refused, they built all sorts of intrigues and intrigues against him.

***
Every day I received dirty anonymous letters threatening to kill me, etc. The Empress, who understood these circumstances better than all of us, as I already wrote, immediately ordered me to move to the palace, and I sadly left my house, not knowing that I had already I'll never go back there. By order of Their Majesties, from that day on, my every step was guarded. When I went to the infirmary, the orderly Zhuk always accompanied me; I wasn’t even allowed to walk around the palace alone.

Little by little, life in the palace returned to normal. The Emperor read aloud to us in the evenings. At Christmas (1917 - Ed.) there were ordinary Christmas trees in the palace and in the infirmaries; Their Majesties gave gifts to the surrounding retinue and servants; but they did not send gifts to the Grand Dukes this year. Despite the holiday, Their Majesties were very sad: they experienced deep disappointment in loved ones and relatives, whom they had previously trusted and loved, and it seems that the Sovereign and Empress of All Russia have never been as lonely as they are now. Betrayed by their own relatives, slandered by people who were called representatives of Russia in the eyes of the whole world, Their Majesties had around them only a few devoted friends and ministers appointed by them, who were all condemned by public opinion... The Emperor is constantly reproached for not knowing how to choose themselves ministers. At the beginning of his reign, he took on people who were trusted by his late father, Emperor Alexander III. Then he took it according to his choice. Unfortunately, the war and revolution did not give Russia a single name that posterity could proudly repeat...we Russians too often blame others for our misfortune, not wanting to understand that our situation is the work of our own hands, we are all to blame, The upper classes are especially to blame. Few people fulfill their duty in the name of duty and Russia. The sense of duty was not instilled in childhood; in families, children were not raised in love for the Motherland, and only the greatest suffering and the blood of innocent victims can wash away our sins and the sins of entire generations.

***
Sovereign Nicholas II was, of course, as a person, accessible to all human weaknesses and sorrows, but in this difficult moment (abdication - Ed.) of deep resentment and humiliation, I still could not convince myself that his enemies would triumph; I couldn’t believe that the Tsar, the most generous and honest of the entire Romanov Family, would be condemned to become an innocent victim of his relatives and subjects. But the tsar, with a completely calm expression in his eyes, confirmed all this, adding that “if all of Russia on its knees asked him to return to the throne, he would never return.” Tears sounded in his voice when he spoke about his friends and family, whom he trusted most and who turned out to be accomplices in his overthrow from the throne. He showed me telegrams from Brusilov, Alekseev and other generals, from members of his Family, including Nikolai Nikolaevich: everyone asked His Majesty on their knees to abdicate the throne to save Russia. But renounce in favor of whom? In favor of the weak and indifferent Duma! No, for their own benefit, so that, using the name and prestige of Alexei Nikolaevich, the regency they have chosen would rule and enrich themselves!..

I realized that for Russia it was all over now. The army had decayed, the people had completely fallen morally, and my eyes were already filled with the horrors that awaited us all.

***
(Trubetskoy bastion of the Peter and Paul Fortress)

Anyone who experienced the first moment of imprisonment will understand what I experienced: black, hopeless grief and despair. Out of weakness, I fell onto the iron bed; There were puddles of water all around on the stone floor, water was flowing down the glass, darkness and cold; The tiny window near the ceiling did not let in any light or air, and it smelled damp and musty. There is a closet and a sink in the corner. An iron table and a bed are attached to the wall. On the bed lay a thin hair mattress and two dirty pillows. A few minutes later I heard the keys being turned in the double or triple locks of the huge iron door, and some terrible man with a black beard, dirty hands and an angry, criminal face entered, surrounded by a crowd of insolent, disgusting soldiers. On his orders, the soldiers tore the mattress off the bed, removed the second pillow and then began to tear off the icons and gold rings from me. This individual told me that he was here instead of the Minister of Justice and it depended on him to establish a regime for the prisoners. Subsequently, he gave his last name - Kuzmin, a former convict who spent 15 years in hard labor in Siberia.

I was literally starving. Twice a day they brought half a bowl of some kind of mud, like soup, into which the soldiers often spat and put glass. He often smelled like rotten fish, so I would hold my nose and swallow a little, just so as not to die of hunger... Not once in all these months was I allowed to bring food from home.

Our life was a slow death penalty. Every day we were taken out for 10 minutes to a small courtyard with several trees; There was a bathhouse in the middle of the yard. Six armed soldiers took all the prisoners out one by one. On the first morning, when I came out of the cold and the smell of the grave into the fresh air, even for those 10 minutes, I came to my senses, feeling that I was still alive, and somehow it became easier... I think no garden in the world has brought anyone so much joy like our wretched kindergarten in the fortress. I breathed God's air, looked at the sky, carefully watched every cloud, peered into every grass, every leaf on the bushes.

I never took my clothes off; I had two woolen scarves; I put one on my head, the other on my shoulders: I covered myself with my coat. It was cold from the wet floor and walls. I slept for 4 hours. When I woke up, I warmed myself in the only warm corner of the cell, where there was a stove outside: I stood for hours on my crutches, leaning against a dry wall.

Now we need to talk about the main tormentor, the doctor of the Trubetskoy bastion - Serebryannikov. He appeared on the first day of detention and then walked around the cells almost every day. Fat, with an angry face and a huge red bow on his chest. He tore off my shirt in front of the soldiers, brazenly and rudely mocking me.

These days I could not pray and only repeated the words of the Savior: “God, my God, you have forsaken me!”

After a week of imprisonment, we were told that guards from the women’s prison would be on duty. The first matron was a lively young lady who flirted with all the soldiers and did not pay much attention to us; the second is older, with meek, sad eyes. From the very first minute she understood the depth of my suffering and was our support and guardian angel. Truly there are saints on earth, and she was holy. I don’t want to mention her name, but I will talk about her as our angel. She did everything in her power to make our miserable existence easier. I will never be able to thank her enough in my life. Seeing that we were literally dying of hunger, she used her meager funds to buy a little sausage, a piece of cheese or chocolate, etc. She was not allowed to enter alone, but, leaving after the soldiers, the last one out of the cell, she managed to throw a package in the corner near the closet, and I would rush like a hungry animal to the bag, eat it in this corner, pick up and throw away all the crumbs.

She brought me my first joy by giving me a red egg for Easter.

I don’t know how to describe this bright holiday in prison. I felt forgotten by God and people. On Bright Night I woke up from the ringing of bells and sat up in bed, shedding tears. Several drunken soldiers burst in, saying “Christ is Risen!” We said Christ. In their hands they had plates with Easter and pieces of Easter cake; but they surrounded me. “She needs to be tortured more, as someone close to the Romanovs,” they said. The priest asked the government for permission to walk around the prisoners with a cross, but he was refused. On Good Friday we were all confessed and received Holy Communion; They took us one by one to one of the cells; a soldier stood at the entrance. The priest cried with me in confession. I will never forget the affectionate father John Rudnev; he has gone to a better world. He took our overwhelming grief so deeply to heart that he fell ill after these confessions.

It was Easter, and in my wretched surroundings I sang Easter songs, sitting on my bed. The soldiers thought I was crazy, and when they entered, they threatened to beat me and demanded that I shut up. Laying my head on a dirty pillow, I began to cry... But suddenly I felt something strong under the pillow and, putting my hand in, I felt the egg. I didn't dare believe my joy. In fact, under the dirty pillow stuffed with straw lay a red egg, laid by the kind hand of my only friend now, our matron. I think not a single red testicle that day brought so much joy: I pressed it to my heart, kissed it and thanked God.

***
On April 23, on the Empress’s name day, when I was especially despairing and sad, Doctor Manukhin, an infinitely kind and wonderful person, walked around our cells for the first time. With his arrival, we felt that there is God in heaven and we are not forgotten by him. For him, we were all patients, not prisoners. He demanded to be shown our food and ordered that we give each person a bottle of milk and two eggs a day. How he managed this, I don’t know, but he had an iron will, and although at first the soldiers wanted to raise him with bayonets several times, they eventually submitted to him, and he, despite the rudeness and troubles, forgetting himself, his health and strength, in the name of love for suffering humanity, he did everything to save us.

Rudnev's interrogations continued all the time. I once asked Dr. Manukhin: why are they torturing me for so long? He reassured me, saying that they would sort it out, but warned me that an even worse interrogation awaited me.

A few days later he came to me alone, closed the door, saying that the Commission had instructed him to talk to me face to face, and therefore this time the soldiers were not accompanying him. The Extraordinary Commission, he said, had almost completed its consideration of my case and had come to the conclusion that the accusations were baseless, but that I needed to go through this “doctoral” interrogation in order to rehabilitate myself, and that I must agree to this!.. When the “interrogation” " ended, I lay broken and tired on the bed, covering my face with my hands. From that moment on, Doctor Manukhin became my friend - he understood the deep, hopeless grief of the undeserved slander that I had suffered for so many years.

***
(Arrest House, Furshtadtskaya 40)

The month that I spent in the Arrest House was relatively calm and happy, although sometimes it was scary, since at that time the Bolsheviks made their first attempt to head the government.

The commandant, having learned that I had a camp church in the infirmary, asked me if I would allow me to serve mass for all the prisoners. Since the greatest desire of the officers was to receive Holy Communion. This mass coincided with my birthday on July 16th. This service was touching: all these unfortunate people, tortured in prisons, stood on their knees throughout the mass; many cried uncontrollably, and I cried too, standing in the corner, listening to this first mass after inexplicable torment.

In the Arrest House I began to recover. All day I sat by the open window and could not stop admiring the greenery in the garden and the small church of Kosma and Damian. But most of all it gave me pleasure to look at people passing and passing. My complexion turned from earthy to normal, but for a long time I could not get used to talking, and it tired me terribly. By evening I was nervous: it seemed to me that shooters from the fortress would come for me.

***
On July 24, a telegram arrived from the prosecutor’s office asking one of my relatives to come and receive paperwork for my release.

Of course, I didn’t dare go to Tsarskoye. From my faithful Berchik I learned how they searched my house, how the Provisional Government offered him 10 thousand rubles if only he would say nasty things about me and the Empress; but he, who served in our family for 45 years, refused, and he was sent to prison, where he spent a whole month. During the first search, they tore off the carpets in my room and raised the floor, looking for the “underground passage to the palace” and secret telegraph wires to Berlin. They looked for “Vyrubova’s office,” but found nothing, and were terribly annoyed. But the main thing they were looking for was wine cellars, and they couldn’t believe that I didn’t have wine.

***
On the evening of August 24, as soon as I went to bed, at 11 o’clock a commissar appeared from Kerensky with two “adjutants”; they said that I, as a counter-revolutionary, would be sent abroad within 24 hours. The morning of the 26th was cold and rainy, my soul was inexpressibly heavy. We drove to the station in two cars... my dear parents were allowed to accompany me to Teriok. Our carriage was the first from the locomotive. At 7 o'clock in the morning the train started moving - I burst into tears. My uncle jokingly called me an emigrant. Despite all the torment that I had been subjected to in recent months, the “emigrant” was killed at the thought of leaving her homeland.

Approaching Riihimäki, I saw a crowd of several thousand soldiers on the platform; All of them, apparently, were waiting for our train and surrounded our carriage with wild screams. In one minute they unhooked him from the locomotive and burst in, demanding that we be given over to be torn to pieces. “Give us Grand Dukes. Let’s get General Gurko...” A carload full of them piled in. I thought it was all over, I sat holding the hand of the sister of mercy. “Here he is, General Gurko,” they shouted, running towards me. It was in vain that my sister assured me that I was a sick woman - they did not believe me, they demanded that I be undressed, assuring me that I was Gurko in disguise. Probably, we would all have been torn to pieces on the spot, if not for two sailor delegates from Helsingfors who arrived by car: they flew into the carriage, pushed out half the soldiers, and one of them - tall, thin, with a pale, kind face (Antonov) - addressed a thunderous speech to a crowd of thousands, urging them to calm down and not commit lynching, as this is a shame. He managed to influence them, so that the soldiers calmed down a little and allowed them to attach the carriage to the locomotive for further travel to Helsingfors.

We found ourselves on the yacht "Polar Star", with which I have so many dear memories of sailing - on the same waters with Their Majesties. The yacht passed, like all the property of the Sovereign, into the hands of the Provisional Government. Now “Tsentrobalt” sat on it. It was impossible to recognize the wonderful dining room of Their Majesties in the spit-stained, dirty and smoke-filled cabin. At the same tables sat about a hundred “rulers” - dirty, brutal sailors. A meeting took place at which issues and the fate of the ruined fleet and poor Russia were decided.

There was some kind of “Congress of Soviets” in Petrograd and a change in government was expected. In the event of Kerensky's departure, the sailors decided to let us go... the issue regarding us was resolved positively by the Regional Committee... Trotsky stood at the head of the Petrograd Soviet, to whom we were forwarded.

At 9 o'clock in the morning we arrived in Petrograd... in Smolny. We found ourselves in a huge corridor along which soldiers were wandering. I was happy to hug my dear mother, who ran in with other relatives. Soon Kamenev and his wife arrived; After greeting us all, he said that we were probably hungry and ordered everyone to bring lunch. They decided to call someone from the investigative commission by phone, but they could not find anyone, since it was Sunday and the Feast of the Intercession (I always hoped that the Mother of God would protect us on this day). Kamenev said that he personally would let us go on all four sides... The next day, all the newspapers were full of us... Entire articles were dedicated to me and Kameneva: legends began to spread, which ended with stories that I was sitting in Smolny, that they saw me there as “their eyes”, that I am riding with Kollontai and hiding Trotsky, etc.

***
Oddly enough, but the winter of 1917 - 1918. and the summer of 1918, when I was hiding in my small apartment on the 6th floor in Petrograd, were relatively calm, although the capital was in the hands of the Bolsheviks, and I knew that no life was safe. Food was scarce, prices were enormous, and the general situation was getting worse and worse.

I believed, hoped and prayed that the terrible situation in Russia was temporary, and that a reaction would soon come, and the Russian people would understand their mistake and sin towards the dear prisoners in Tobolsk. It seemed to me that the writer Gorky had the same opinion, who probably wanted to see me out of curiosity... Gorky treated me kindly and sympathetically. He told me that I had the responsible task of writing the truth about Their Majesties “to reconcile the king with the people.” He advised me to live more quietly, without reminding myself. I saw him two more times and showed him several pages of my memories, but it was impossible to write in Russia.

***
At the end of the summer of 1918, life in Russia took on a chaotic character: despite the fact that the shops were closed, it was possible to purchase some provisions at the markets. Prices were already prohibitively high. A pound of bread cost several hundred rubles, and butter - several thousand... I remember a difficult day when I only had five kopecks left in my pocket; I sat in the Tauride Garden on a bench and cried. When I returned home, my mother, who had been sick in bed all summer, told me that an acquaintance had just visited us and brought us 20 thousand rubles, having learned about our poverty. After that he disappeared, and we never knew what became of him. Thanks to his help, I was able to send the royal family the necessary things and clothes.

On the night of October 7, my mother and I were awakened by strong knocks on the door, and about 8 armed soldiers from Gorokhovaya burst into our door to conduct a search and also arrest me and the sister of mercy... About ten minutes later they arrived at Gorokhovaya... When it began to dawn, the arrested began to rise; a soldier with a gun led parties into a dirty latrine. They washed their faces right there under the tap. The head of the arrested women was chosen to be the one who was in the Cheka the longest. Not knowing what I was accused of, I lived from hour to hour in constant fear, like everyone else, however... Often at night, when we fell asleep tired, an electric light woke us up, and the soldiers called one of the women: frightened, she got up, collecting their belongings, some returned, others disappeared... and no one knew what awaited everyone. After shouting out my name, they added: “to the Vyborg prison.” They took me down to the street. I still had some money, so I asked the soldier to take a cab and let me see my mother along the way. It was already evening, the trams were not running. It was raining. We hired a cab driver for 60 rubles to the Vyborg prison; I gave all the remaining money to the soldier, and he agreed to stop near our house.

How many times they interrogated and tortured me, inventing all kinds of accusations! By October 25, the Bolshevik holiday, many of us were released... But the amnesty did not apply to “political” ones. On the evening of November 10, the assistant warden called me, saying that an order had come from Gorokhova to immediately escort me there... Almost immediately they called me in for interrogation... For about an hour they shouted at me with terrible anger, assuring me that I was a member of a German organization, that I had some plans against the Cheka, that I was a dangerous counter-revolutionary and that I would certainly be shot, like all the “bourgeois”, since their policy, the Bolsheviks, was the “destruction” of the intelligentsia, etc. I tried not to lose my composure, seeing that in front of me were mentally ill people... When I returned, I fell on a dirty bed; The interrogation lasted three hours... A painful hour passed. The soldier appeared again and shouted: “Taneeva! Set your things free..."

At home, trouble awaited me: a sister of mercy, whom I had known since 1905, who served in my infirmary and after my imprisonment settled with me and my mother, stole all my remaining gold things.

***
The winter of 1919 was spent quietly. But I was very nervous: I found peace only in churches. She often went to the Lavra, to her father’s grave: she was always at Karpovka with Fr. John. Occasionally I saw some friends; many kind people did not leave me and my mother, they brought us bread and food. Weigh their names, O Lord!..

Summer has arrived, hot as in the previous year. The mother developed severe dysentery. Dear Doctor Manukhin saved her, just like last year. Wholesale searches began in all areas of the city. Cars with soldiers and women drove around all night, and whole companies were arrested. Usually this summer the electricity went out at 7 pm, but when it came on again in the evening, the townsfolk knew that a search was expected, and they shook. These gentlemen visited us seven times, but behaved decently. At the end of July I was arrested again.

Arriving at the headquarters of the Petrograd Defense on Malaya Morskaya, they sat me down in the office on a leather sofa while they had a “meeting” about me. “How long will they keep me here?” I asked. “No one is kept here - they shoot or release!..” Instead of asking about weapons and bombs, they brought an album of my photographs taken in Mogilev and taken from me... they demanded that I explain each photograph, and also asked the same questions about the Tsar’s family... “Look, look how cute they are,” they said, looking at photographs of the Grand Duchesses. Then they announced to me that they were letting me go home. (The interrogation took place right after the execution of the royal family, so this is especially cynical: “Look, look how cute they are.” - Ed.)

***
A month later, the White Army began its offensive against Petrograd. The city was declared under martial law, and searches and arrests doubled. The authorities were nervous. Soldiers studied everywhere and airplanes flew. Since the summer, cards have also been introduced, according to which the unfortunate population received less and less food. Epidemics began to rage. The intelligentsia were the most hungry, receiving in public canteens two spoons of water with potatoes, instead of soup, and a spoonful of porridge... On the eve of the Exaltation, I was at night prayer in the Lavra; started at 11 o'clock. evenings. All-night vigil, midnight office, general unction and early mass. The cathedral was so crowded that, as they say, there was nowhere for the apple to fall. Before lunch there was a general confession, conducted by priest Vvedensky. Metropolitan Benjamin read a prayer of permission. We approached the Holy Mysteries for more than an hour: we had to move squeezed among the crowd, so that we couldn’t even raise our hand to cross ourselves. The sun was shining brightly when at 8 o'clock in the morning the joyful crowd came out of the gates of the Lavra; no one even felt particularly tired. In churches, people sought reassurance from the bitter experiences and losses of this terrible time.

On the evening of September 22, I went to a lecture in one of the remote churches and stayed overnight with friends, since going home in the evening was both far and dangerous. Lately, melancholy and eternal fear have not left me; that night I saw Fr. John of Kronstadt in a dream. He told me: “Don’t be afraid, I’m with you all the time!” I decided to go straight from my friends to early mass in Karpovka and, having received Holy Communion, returned home. I was surprised to find the back door locked. When I called, my mother opened the door, all in tears, and with her were two soldiers who had come to take me to Gorokhovaya... Our room was full; Next to me was a blond Finnish young lady who had been arrested for trying to leave for Finland. She now served as a typist in the emergency department and worked at night: she compiled lists of those arrested and therefore knew in advance about the fate of many. In addition, this young lady was courted by the chief commissioner, an Estonian. Returning from her service at night, she quietly conveyed to her friend, the tall, red-haired Georgian woman Menabda, who exactly would be taken to Kronstadt to be shot. I realized that the worst was awaiting me, and I went completely cold... “Menabde to freedom, Vyrubova to Moscow,” shouted the chief of commissars as he entered our cell on the morning of October 7th. At night I began to bleed heavily; The headman and the doctor tried to protest against the order, but he repeated: “If she doesn’t go, take her by force.” Two soldiers came in and grabbed me. But I asked them to leave me and, having tied my knot, I opened my little Gospel. The gaze fell on the 6th verse of the 3rd chapter of Luke: “And all flesh shall see the salvation of God.” A ray of hope sparkled in the tormented heart. They hurried me, they said that first they would take me to Shpalernaya, then to Vologda. But I knew where I was being led. “We can’t mess with her,” the commissioner told the headman.

And here something happened that the reader can call it whatever he wants. But what do I call a miracle. The tram we were supposed to transfer to was delayed somewhere and a large crowd of people was waiting. I stood there with my soldier, but after a few minutes he got tired of waiting and, telling him to wait one minute while he looked where our tram was, he ran off to the right. At that moment, an officer of the Sapper Regiment, whom I had once helped, first approached me, asked if I recognized him, and, taking out 500 rubles, put it in my hand, saying that the money could be useful to me... At that time, a quick woman came up to me steps one of the women with whom I often prayed together on Karpovka: she was one of Fr. John of Kronstadt. “Don’t give yourself into the hands of your enemies,” she said, “go, I pray.” Father Father John will save you." It was as if someone had pushed me; hobbling with my cane, I walked along Mikhailovskaya Street (my bundle was left with the soldier), straining my last strength and loudly crying out: “Lord, save me! Father John, save me!” I got to Nevsky: there are no trams. Should I run into the chapel? I don't dare. I crossed the street and walked along the Perinnaya Line, looking around. I see a soldier running after me. Well, I think it's over. I leaned against the house, waiting. The soldier, having run, turned onto the Catherine Canal. Whether it was this one or another, I don’t know. I walked along Chernyshev Lane. My strength began to weaken, it seemed to me that just a little more and I would fall. The hat fell off my head, my hair fell, passersby looked at me, probably mistaking me for crazy. I reached Zagorodny. There was a cab driver standing on the corner. I ran up to him, but he shook his head. "Busy". Then I showed him a 500-ruble note that I was holding in my left hand. “Sit down,” he shouted. I gave the address of friends outside Petrograd.

***
How can I describe my wanderings in the following months? Like a hunted animal, I hid in one dark corner, then in another.

The year was 1920. The Lord, through good people, did not leave me... Letters began to arrive from abroad from my mother’s sister, who convinced us to agree to go to her... But how to leave our homeland? I knew that God is so great that if He wants to preserve, then His hand is always and everywhere over us. And why is there more security abroad? God, what did this step cost me!..

We set off: I was barefoot, in a tattered coat. My mother and I met at the railway station and, after passing several stations, we got out. Darkness. We were ordered to follow a boy with a sack of potatoes, but we lost him in the darkness. We are standing in the middle of a village street: mother with a single bag, me with my stick. Shouldn't we go back? Suddenly a girl in a headscarf emerged from the darkness, explained that she was this boy’s sister, and ordered him to follow her into the hut. The Finns hesitated, not daring to go, as a dance was taking place nearby. At 2 o'clock in the morning they whispered to us: get ready. They went out onto the porch without making any noise. A large Finnish sleigh was hidden in the yard. They drove away just as silently. Almost the entire time we walked at a pace across the bay: there was a thaw and huge cracks in the ice. One of the Finns walked ahead, measuring with an iron stick. Every now and then they stopped, listening. To the left, close, the lights of Kronstadt seemed to flicker. Hearing a steady knock, they turned around with the words “pursuit,” but later we learned that this sound was made by the icebreaker “Ermak”, which was moving, cutting through the ice behind us. We were the last to pass. It was almost daylight when we ran up to the Finnish coast and rushed along roundabout roads to the Finnish house, fearing here that we would fall into the hands of the Finnish police. Numb, tired, with little understanding, my mother and I came to quarantine, where all the Russian refugees were kept... We were washed, fed and little by little clothed. What a strange feeling it was to put on the boots.

Both my mother and I had a soul full of inexplicable suffering: if it was hard in our dear Motherland, even now it is sometimes lonely and difficult without a home, without money... But we, with all the expelled and remaining sufferers, in the tenderness of our hearts, cried out to the merciful God for saving our dear Fatherland.

“The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man does to me.”

(Fragments of the book are printed based on the text prepared by Yu. Rassulin for the Blago publishing house in 2000)