Passive-aggressive communication style. How does passive aggression manifest itself? In case of intoxication
Aggression is a way of expressing anger. Even the meekest person cannot claim to be free from it, because it is an evolutionary survival mechanism. In reasonable doses, aggression is necessary to take traffic jams, burning projects and uncooperative partners by storm. But there are forms of it that are difficult to identify, and therefore not easy to overcome. Of these, passive aggression is the most subtle and destructive. Often, spouses use passive-aggressive behavior to avoid short-term conflict. But in the long run, its consequences can be more destructive to a marriage than the expression of direct aggression.
The word "passive" in Latin means "suffering." “Passive aggression really hits its source no less than the one at whom it is directed,” says Galina Turetskaya, a candidate of psychological sciences and a practicing coach in the field of creating relationships. “It becomes the basis for many fears: fear of dependence on relationships, fear of being rejected, intimophobia (fear of emotional intimacy), fear of facing one’s own and other people’s emotions.” This gives rise to a defensive reaction: emotional distancing, avoidance of intimacy in relationships. When a child is scared, he cries, screams, runs away, hides. An adult does almost the same thing, only he puts it in “decent” forms: he avoids communication, forgets, does not participate in relationships under plausible pretexts, hangs up a sign “I’ve gone into myself, I won’t be back soon.” And if in social situations (at work, in the company of friends) you can still close your eyes to this, then in personal relationships such behavior hurts both: both the partner who does not understand anything, and the aggressor himself. This is similar to the uprising of robots: against the will, an autopilot turns on in the human mind, which knows only one program - to avoid, but in such a way as not to look guilty.
Desire plus fear
First of all, it is important to understand: anger, powerlessness, and guilt are the most common reactions of women in relationships with a passive aggressor. Remember that you are also a person and have the right to emotions. By suppressing anger, you risk becoming the same passive aggressor as he is. “Don’t lead to an explosion: when faced with something that doesn’t suit you, immediately express your reaction honestly and openly - then you can do it calmly. Formulate the problem and state it. And then offer solutions that are convenient for you,” advises Galina Turetskaya.
The passive aggressor also wants intimacy, but the fear of becoming dependent is stronger than the need for love. Desire plus fear is the formula for inaction. “Neither retaliatory ignoring (running off to different corners), nor irritation, nor showing increased concern will lead to a good result,” says the psychologist. “It’s important to maintain calm and a positive attitude, showing with your appearance: I’m ready for dialogue, but you’ll have to take a step.” After all, an active position is exactly what the partner is so afraid of.” Is the suit dry cleaned? Let him wait there in the wings. Try to make an effort on yourself and not take responsibility that has been transferred to you, do not fulfill his promises for your partner. Try to be calm about his excuses, don’t try to catch him in a lie - he could actually be late at work. But even if he sat there until the bitter end, just not to go to the cinema, as you agreed, all the same, excuses are the best possible for him at the moment. Over time, as the partner gains experience actively participating in the relationship, he will be able to take on more responsibility.
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Psychoanalyst and genetic psychology specialist Dmitry Kalinsky notes: at least 70% of men show passive aggression. But women also suffer from this “disease”. After all, society instructs us to be soft and non-conflict. Under pressure from the stereotype of femininity or fear of losing a relationship, aggression takes hidden forms.
“Ivan and I have been dating for several months, and I would really like this relationship to develop into marriage,” admits Marina (27). “But sometimes I feel like he doesn’t understand me.” Recently, knowing that I was working at home, I arrived unannounced with flowers and sweets. I couldn’t explain that I couldn’t give him time, that he showed up at the wrong time and was distracting me. She took the bouquet over the threshold and excused herself with urgent work. For some reason he was offended.” If a man behaved incorrectly, open war could be declared against him. But he shows care, attention, demonstrates a desire to be close - there’s nothing to complain about! Then the tools of hidden aggression are used, including tests for real men.
How often at the beginning of a relationship do you give your partner “lice checks”, as if specifically demonstrating your worst sides: capriciousness, irritability, games of keeping quiet, nagging with or without reason. All of these are also forms of passive aggression, but of a slightly different kind. The subconscious signal of this behavior is: “Love me like this - and then I will believe that you really love me.” But you cannot control the line beyond which slight female bitchiness develops into aggression. It’s good if your hero turns out to be experienced and patient enough to go through the probationary period. And if not, you will soon turn into two disappointed people who still don’t understand who is to blame and what it was. The best thing in such a situation is to consult a psychologist to understand the reasons and eliminate mistrust in the man.
Do you trust me?
“Once I had a serious conflict at work,” recalls Evgenia (29). — My boyfriend called and asked how I was feeling, began to console me, and advised me something. The more he talked, the angrier I became. Later I sent him a text saying that I felt bad, I would go to my parents for a while, and when I returned, I would call back. I was waiting for my beloved to rush after me, to feel sorry for me, to hug me. But he didn't. A few days later I dialed his number and heard an aloof “Hello”. The old warmth has disappeared somewhere, we have moved away from each other.”
The main effect of passive aggression is a lack of trust in the partner. Every time he wants to show his feelings, you slip away, prevaricate. The beloved “catches the air with his hands.” And this is what causes the most irritation. If it were possible to have a heart-to-heart talk with the passive aggressor, it would become clear that he himself is not happy with this development of the relationship. Why is he doing this? Gestalt therapist Natalya Kundryukova explains: “To avoid even greater suffering. In many cases, this pattern (an unconsciously repeated pattern of behavior) is formed in childhood. As a rule, in the first days and months of life, the child for some reason failed to form an emotional connection with a significant adult. For example, the mother could not hold him in her arms immediately after birth, could not breastfeed, or went to work early.” The baby lacked emotional and physical contact; the basic need was not satisfied. That is why, in adulthood, when trying to form close relationships, such a person unconsciously repeats his traumatic experience. Simultaneously with the desire to get closer, to receive attention and support, he experiences fear of rejection and shame for experiencing these desires. Instead of taking a step forward, asking for help and receiving it, he begins to prevaricate.
According to Natalya Kundryukova, it is necessary to realize and live the rejection received in early childhood. Unfortunately, it is impossible to do this on your own, without the help of a therapist. It is important for a person suffering from passive aggression to understand: this type of behavior destroys both relationships with dear people and his own body. Probably the best solution is to accumulate resources (determination, hope and money) and try to work with a psychologist in the format of individual consultations. Internal pain and mistrust can be experienced. Or you will have to choose a safe distance in the relationship and give up the idea of intimacy.
How to recognize a passive aggressor
Puts things off until later until it is too late.
Does not keep promises, “forgets” about agreements, avoids emotional intimacy.
Denies, turns everything upside down, making the partner guilty.
Expresses his position unclearly and confuses his tracks.
Doesn't show attention: doesn't call, doesn't write SMS.
Sends conflicting signals: for example, he talks about love, but acts in such a way that you suspect the opposite.
Never apologizes.
4 strategies for effectively interacting with a passive aggressor from Signe Whitson, author of the book “Evil Smile: The Psychology of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in the Family and at Work”:
TEXT: Galina Turova
Today I want to talk about a problem that has become very relevant in modern society, namely, we are talking about a passive-aggressive personality. A similar problem is observed in both men and women, and at the same time, today we will talk about the personal deformations of modern men, and how we, women, participate in the formation of this problem.
So:
Today, real men live with real women, sometimes they tolerate them, sometimes they dependently need them, sometimes they sincerely love them. Women, on the other hand, either save men, or control them, or are afraid of their anger, or are simply afraid of being left alone. Men and women desperately need each other, while suffering at the same time from a lack of male and female maturity and, of course, autonomy.
A natural component of male nature - aggression, today is increasingly being pushed out of consciousness, not finding natural, constructive application in the modern world. Why has a man who consciously protects a woman and protects the weak become a rarity? Let's try to figure it out.
In everyday real life, there is a lack of useful social channels for using natural male aggression. If a man cannot direct his natural aggression in a constructive direction, transform it into a protective, creative force, then a phenomenon called passive aggression or “meek disobedience” arises. When someone lacks the strength and resources to make a direct challenge, resistance manifests itself covertly, in an indirect way.
C. G. Jung said that the personality of any person, male or female, contains both masculine and feminine characteristics. In every woman there is a hidden masculine principle, Animus, in every man, a hidden feminine principle, Anima. Their internal content is heterogeneous; they consist of parts, each of which performs certain functions in the inner world of a person. Aggression is one of the qualities that is considered masculine. Moreover, like any quality, it has an initially positive, protective function.
Don't think that this only applies to men. In this case, we are talking about the inner man, that is, about acceptable channels for expressing aggression and expansion, which is important when choosing life strategies for women.
How does the formation and consolidation of a passive-aggressive behavior pattern occur?
Passive aggression is formed in a child accustomed to emotional deprivation, most of whose needs were not met. Often, these are so-called “comfortable children”, growing up in families with working mothers or in families where there is an unspoken ban on the child showing emotions. It is pointless to openly protest or demand in such conditions. The child understands that open expression of emotions does not entail the result he expects. In a family, if a lack of femininity is obvious, this is simply inevitable, since it is femininity that is responsible for the formation of the Protecting, Preserving and Giving substructures of the personality. When the type of militant woman in the personality structure, who has abandoned the traditional feminine role, takes over, aggression also takes on a distorted appearance. A person becomes alienated from his own protective power. That is, the absence of affection and tenderness gives rise to chronic suppression of feelings. Insensitivity, in turn, inhibits the development of the male protective function.
Example: men who were forbidden to show emotions in childhood (cry, rejoice loudly, be overly affectionate), as adults, when they see women’s tears, they will experience fear and irritation, which most often entails destructive aggression.
So how can a person be both passive and aggressive at the same time? A passive-aggressive person is not passive today and aggressive tomorrow. The paradox is that he abandons his aggression when it manifests itself.
Implicit, hidden aggression is expressed in the lack of open initiative, in shifting responsibility to others, in demonstrative indecisiveness, in creating a fog of uncertainty and ambiguity in relationships, in the frequent use of lies and empty apologies. Passive aggression is a chronic failure to fulfill contracts and promises in time and substance, putting things off from day to day, and strange forgetfulness in fulfilling requests. This is ignoring the expectations of others, devaluing the interlocutor, for example, in the form of crossing out his reality “you’re making it up,” “you’re doing it wrong,” etc., as well as interrupting, avoiding answering questions, avoiding the topic proposed by the interlocutor. A passive-aggressive person resorts to these techniques out of fear of being dependent, fear of competition and emotional intimacy. As a result, he often portrays himself as the victim and blames you. In the case of passive aggression, there is a refusal of responsibility for male social functions and a distortion of real facts for this purpose.
A healthy male strategy is that a woman should be conquered through inevitable natural competition with other men. A passive-aggressive man prefers to be conquered, as he is terrified of rejection, battles and defeats. At the same time, a passive-aggressive man seeks to hide this dependence by rejecting and devaluing women. He may also devalue many things that are important to him. This is how the desire to gain masculine strength, freedom and independence is reflected distortedly, through narcissistic devaluation, in the behavior of an immature man.
A man’s question addressed to his woman, characteristic of passive-aggressive behavior: “Why should I do something for you?”, “Why should I earn money?”, “Why should I think about solving external problems?” This is the same as: “Why am I the man and not you? Why should I shake hands with you and not you with me? This is a convention.” A common form is also: “One person cannot belong to another, I am absolutely free” or “If something doesn’t suit you, I can leave.”
American psychologist-psychotherapist, Doctor of Philosophy, Professor Scott Wetzler, who has been studying the issue of passive aggression in men for many years, gives an example from his numerous observations: “He will do a lot to make you doubt yourself: “You were mistaken about our meeting. It is written in my diary for tomorrow, not yesterday. This is exactly why I started a diary. Yes, one o'clock in the afternoon suits me. But maybe I'll have to leave town. Call me if you want to have lunch with me in a few days.” He reschedules meetings in this way for a week, without directly refusing, but finding excuses that are not in your favor. Circumstances are always real. Formally, it’s impossible to find fault.”
Problems with a passive-aggressive man arise from his indirect way of expressing hostility, hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity. If what he says or does doesn't make sense to you or makes you angry... that's passive aggression.
Unfortunately, in life this type of aggression, due to its implicit nature, is not perceived as aggression; it has not yet been exposed. Moreover, it is supported by the modern social trend of gender equality and equal responsibility. Therefore, passive aggression is common as a socially tolerated form of behavior.
Result:
The main feature of a passive-aggressive man is his alienation from his own masculinity, as from a powerful protective force. As he becomes an adult, he remains painfully dependent both on his real mother and on the image of the mother that has formed in his personality. And in the women he meets, he looks for the same figure, choosing women as “saviors”, “administrators”, but at the same time, he strives to hide this dependence by rejecting and devaluing women; prefers to choose an occupation in the field of social structures or large corporate companies that provide “care” and social protection. This is how he strives for safety.
We remember that as a hunter and protector of the tribe, any man has natural aggression from the very beginning. A passive-aggressive man in this sense has a kind of internal “bomb”. That is, until male aggression is realized and its vector is not directed towards defense, it, being suppressed (passive), appears to us openly only in the form of the above manifestations; or in the form of an explosion capable of blindly destroying both the man himself and the world around him.
A mature man, who knows how to transform natural male aggression into a powerful protective function, is in contact with his natural male aggression and knows how to use it purposefully for:
- protection of women's and children's worlds,
- to protect your interests,
- to protect the interests of those for whom he took responsibility.
A passive-aggressive man has an immature personality and has yet to connect with his natural masculine, spiritual and protective powers.
Based on materials from Emma Jung’s article “Anima and Animus”, as well as the work of psychodramatist Tatyana Vasilets “Man and Woman: The Secret of Sacred Marriage.”
Ksenia Lishchinskaya, your psychologist.
This in itself is unpleasant, not only for those around them who are suddenly plunged into negativity, but also for the aggressors themselves. In fact, among the latter there are not so many clinical scoundrels who derive pleasure from splashing out violent emotions on other people or objects. Normal people are also capable of such outbursts, but they then experience remorse, try to make amends for their guilt and at least try to control themselves. Aggression is especially destructive in men; the reasons may turn out to be so far-fetched and strange that the presence of a problem becomes obvious to all participants in the situation.
Types and types of male aggression
It is worth immediately noting that negative emotions splashing out are not exclusively a male prerogative. Women are just as capable of being aggressors; they do not monitor their actions and words. The paradox is that male aggression is partly considered socially acceptable. Of course, extreme manifestations are condemned, but at the same time there are many justifications for such a phenomenon as aggression in men. The reasons can be very diverse - from competition to health conditions.
There are two main types of aggression that are easily defined even by non-specialists:
- verbal, when negativity is expressed in shouting or openly negative language;
- physical, when there are beatings, destruction, attempted murder.
With auto-aggression, negativity is directed at oneself and manifests itself in all sorts of destructive actions. The motto of this type of aggression is: “Let it be worse for me.”
Psychologists classify what we are considering into several types according to the following criteria: method of manifestation, direction, causes, degrees of expression. Self-diagnosis in this case is practically impossible, since in most cases the aggressor seeks self-justification, does not see and does not want to see the problem, and successfully shifts the blame to others.
Verbal aggression
The external manifestations of this type of aggression are quite expressive. This can be a furious scream, curses and curses. They are often supplemented by gestural expression - a man can make offensive or threatening gestures, shake his fist, or swing his arms. In the animal world, males actively use this particular type of aggression: whoever growls loudest declares himself as the owner of the territory; outright fights come about much less often.
However, verbal aggression in men, the reasons for which can lie both in mental health and in social pressure, is not so harmless. It destroys the psyche of those who are forced to live nearby. Children get used to an abnormal pattern of communication and absorb the pattern of their father’s behavior as the norm.
Physical aggression
An extreme form of aggressive behavior, when a person moves from shouting and threats to active physical actions. Now this is not just a threatening fist swing, but a blow. A man is capable of causing serious injuries even to those closest to him, breaking or breaking personal belongings. Man behaves like Godzilla, and destruction becomes his main goal. It can be either a short explosion, literally just one blow, or a long-term nightmare, which is why aggression in men is considered the most dangerous. The reasons given are varied - from “she provoked me” to “I’m a man, you can’t make me angry.”
When wondering how permissible this is, it is best to take the Criminal Code as a guide. It is written there in black and white that infliction of bodily harm of varying degrees of severity, attempted murder and intentional damage to personal property are all crimes.
Features of unmotivated male aggression
We can conditionally divide manifestations of rage into motivated and unmotivated. It is possible to understand and partially justify aggression shown in a state of passion. This is often called "righteous anger." If someone offends this man’s loved ones, encroaches on their life and health, then an aggressive response is at least understandable.
The problem is such attacks of aggression in men, the causes of which cannot be calculated at first glance. What came over him? I was just a normal person, and suddenly they changed me! This is roughly what witnesses to sudden unmotivated rage that erupts in any form, verbal or physical, respond to. In fact, any action has a reason, explanation or motive, they just don’t always lie on the surface.
Reasons or excuses?
Where is the line between reasons and justifications? An example is the phenomenon of aggression between men and women. The reasons are often the most common attempts to justify oneself, to shift the blame onto the victim: “Why did she stay late after work? She’s probably cheating, she needs to be shown a place!”, “I didn’t have time to serve dinner, I need to teach a lesson” or “Allows herself to show dissatisfaction, provokes aggression."
Behind such behavior there can be either personal hatred towards a particular person or banal misogyny. If a man seriously considers women to be second-class citizens, then is it surprising that he receives malicious attacks against them?
However, outbursts of aggression may not occur because the man is simply an evil type. In addition to far-fetched excuses, there are also those based on serious factors that can be identified and eliminated.
Hormonal background
A significant proportion of aggressive manifestations are due to hormonal imbalance. Our emotions are largely determined by the ratio of the main hormones; a deficiency or excess can lead not only to violent outbursts, but also to severe depression, a pathological absence of emotions and severe psychiatric problems.
Testosterone is traditionally considered a hormone not only of sexual desire, but also of aggression. Those who are especially harsh are often referred to as “testosterone males.” Chronic deficiency leads to increased dissatisfaction and makes a person predisposed to negative manifestations. Outbursts of aggression in men, the causes of which lie precisely in hormonal imbalance, must be treated. To do this, tests are taken to measure hormone levels, and the disease that led to the disorders is identified. Symptomatic treatment in this case brings only partial relief and cannot be considered complete.
Middle age crisis
If such cases have not been observed before, then sudden aggression in a 35-year-old man can most often be associated with the age of maximalism being left behind, and the man begins to weigh whether all the decisions made were really correct, whether it was a mistake. Literally everything comes into question: is this the right family, is this the right woman, is this the right direction in one’s career? Or maybe it was worth going to another institute and then marrying someone else, or not marrying at all?
Doubts and hesitations, an acute sense of missed opportunities - all this weakens the nervous system, reduces the level of tolerance and sociability. It begins to seem that there is still time to change everything in one jerk. Everyone around seems to have conspired and does not understand this emotional impulse. Well, they can be put in their place by force, since they do not understand good. Fortunately, the midlife crisis passes sooner or later. The main thing is to remember that periods of despondency are normal, but this is not a reason to ruin your life.
Retirement depression
The second round of the age crisis overtakes men after retirement. Women most often endure this period easier - a significant part of everyday worries remains with them. But men who are accustomed to their profession as a central part of their life’s plot begin to feel unnecessary and abandoned. Life stopped, the respect of others turned off along with receiving a pension certificate.
Aggression in men over 50 years of age is closely related to attempts to shift responsibility for a failed life onto others. At the same time, objectively, the man who suddenly caught the demon in the rib is all right, but there is a certain dissatisfaction. At the same time, all sorts of health problems, overwork, lack of sleep can be added - all these factors aggravate the situation. Aggressive attacks begin to seem like a natural reaction to everything that happens.
Psychiatry or psychology?
Who should I go to for help - a psychologist or straight to a psychiatrist? Many men are afraid of their aggressive impulses, fearing, not without reason, that they will do something irreparable. And it is very good that they are able to relatively soberly assess their actions and seek help from professionals. Who deals with such a phenomenon as aggression in men? The causes and treatment are in the department of the psychiatrist exactly until he confirms that according to his profile the patient does not have any problems. This is precisely the correct approach to treatment with such a specialist: you can safely make an appointment without fear that you will be “called crazy.” A psychiatrist is first and foremost a doctor, and he first checks whether the patient’s psyche is affected by some completely physical factors: hormones, old injuries, sleep disturbances. A psychiatrist can recommend a good psychologist if the patient does not have problems that require medication.
The first step to solving the problem
In many ways, the strategy for solving a problem depends on who exactly makes the decision. Aggression in a man... What should a woman do who is next to him, lives in the same house with him, and is raising children together? Yes, of course, you can fight, convince, help, but if the situation develops in such a way that you have to constantly endure assault and risk losing your life, it is better to save yourself and save the children.
The best first step for a man is to admit there is a problem. It’s worth being honest with yourself: aggression is a problem that needs to be dealt with first of all by the aggressor himself, and not by his victims.
Possible consequences of aggression and comprehensive work on oneself
We have to admit that in places of deprivation of liberty there are often prisoners who have precisely this vice - unreasonable aggression in men. Reasons require elimination, but excuses have no force or weight. It is worth pulling yourself together, but not relying only on self-control. If outbursts of rage are repeated, then the reason may lie in a hormonal imbalance. This could be overwork, depressive symptoms, as well as social pressure, an unbearable rhythm of life, age-related changes, or some chronic illnesses. Seeing a doctor is the right step to help you cope with destructive behavior. Separate reasons from excuses, this will help outline the initial plan of action, and soon life will sparkle with new colors.
Wetzler Scott
“HOW TO LIVE WITH THIS UNBEARABLE MAN”
Introduction
Chapter 1. The Anatomy of Passive Aggression
Chapter 2. On an emotional swing with a passive-aggressive man
Chapter 3. Who feels attracted to a passive-aggressive man?
Chapter 4. Passive-aggressive man: how he grows up and becomes like this
Chapter 5. In the monotonous wheel of the addiction mill
Chapter 6. Facing the Dragon: Passive-Aggressive Man and Anger
Chapter 7. Networking: Intimacy and Commitment
Chapter 8. Passive-aggressive man in sex
Chapter 9 Marriage and fatherhood
Chapter 10. Minefield: passive-aggressive man at work
Epilogue
INTRODUCTION
Many of the stories that I, as a practicing psychologist, hear from women about some of the men in their lives are quite similar in detail. And this applies to what they talk about courtship, family life, family conflicts, work dynamics or minor everyday encounters.
In their descriptions of relationships with young men, husbands, fathers or bosses, certain behavior patterns: many of these men drive them crazy through sophisticated power games, obstructive tactics and twisted logic. It seems that there is always a struggle here, whether it concerns intimate relationships, respect, success at work, or something as simple as ordering food from a waiter. " If I tell him what I want, women patients repeat to me again and again, then he will make it harder for me to get it.”
This behavior that infuriates and unnerves others has its own methodology and its own name: passive aggression - and it is passive-aggressive behavior that “drives” these women crazy. What exactly do men do in their lives? How does passive-aggressive behavior manifest itself? See if the following real-life cases are familiar to you.
Mark and Heather have been living together for about a year, but lately Mark has often played the role of a “casual” lover. He takes off his clothes and lies down, letting Heather know he wants sex. But she is never completely sure: Mark does not resist her caresses, but does not show much enthusiasm either. Even during a sexual relationship, Heather does not know whether he wants satisfaction for at least one of them or intimacy. If you ask him what he wants, he will answer, “You know...” If you ask Mark if he got satisfaction, he may respond by turning away from Heather, distorting the facts, causing her to permanently refuse further questioning, or responding with a comment like : “You always need compliments...” The feeling of satisfaction from love turns into a feeling of shock.
Jack, the VP of Marketing, is a very popular man with some good ideas in his head and a high level of ambition. Jack and his colleague Nora, who holds the same position, were assigned to work together on the project. Jack considers himself the "brain center" of his department and always tells clients and subordinates that he runs things. Nora, more silent by nature, has become a leading figure in the department since joining the agency four months ago. Jack can't come to terms with this fact.
Now that Jack and Nora are supposed to work together on a project for a major client, Nora discovers who is "in charge": Jack is not communicating some of the particularly important messages to Nora; he makes appointments with a client without informing her about it; he spends most of the day trying to stop Nora from getting the client to sign the deal. Angry and not understanding what is happening, Nora directly confronts him with the question. Jack tells her that "there is no better player on the team than him." The next morning, Jack complains to their boss that Nora has been putting off closing the deal from day to day, that she has been missing client meetings, that they are unhappy with her work, and that she is not answering their phone calls.
Janet promised her retired parents to organize a family dinner, since they rarely see each other. Eddie, her older brother, works late at the office of the city newspaper: Janet has her own business, and, in addition, she is raising twin sons alone. Therefore, it was very difficult for them to agree on a dinner time that was convenient for everyone.
Finally the time is set. Janet plans to host a catered dinner and spends a huge amount of time and money setting it up. Eddie keeps saying that he can't wait to meet his family and of course he will come to Janet at seven o'clock, at the latest at seven-thirty. He calls at six to say he'll be half an hour late, but doesn't show up until five hours later without apologizing.
Janet explodes, the mother begins to cry, and the father accuses his son of being “spoiled and selfish.” And Eddie doesn’t understand why everyone is so angry - it just doesn’t dawn on him.
Eddie says he got a call about a controversial story that could make a front-page story, and he went to meet the source. Eddie believes his family should be happy for him as this could be a turning point in his career. Why won't they leave him alone? What difference does one organized dinner make compared to its success? Besides, he didn't ask Janet to host the damn dinner, did he? Eddie states that his family makes mountains out of molehills and demands something from him while he is “busy with his own business.”
What really happens in these stories? It’s just one person annoying another, but doing it passive-aggressively. The guy hints at intimacy or makes a promise; You want to believe it's true; then he retreats and smugly does not pay attention to your offense and even... accuses you of having problems!
If these sketches strike a chord with you, then you are familiar with passive-aggressive behavior. And just like Heather, Nora or Janet, you have the right to be angry. Passive-aggressive men don't play fair. Marks, Jackie, or Eddie may respect, be attracted to, or even passionately love the women in their lives, but the women don't know it.
These Passive-aggressive men in relationships with women deny them the right to have needs or feelings. They close off opportunities to consider issues and focus on how they can achieve what they want. So we see a dilemma here: it seems useless to speak openly with them, and it is impossible to accept their behavior because it infuriates .
As you read this book chapter by chapter. You will date different types of passive-aggressive men. It may be a man obsessed with love, climbing up the social ladder, who again writes his story in the form in which he needs it, like F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby - the quintessence of the self-creator; walking, a boastful taxi driver who does not pay attention to your explanations about the shortest route to your home, loses his way and angrily complains that he is forced to drive a taxi; or a brutal mid-level executive on his way up the ranks of a Fortune 500 company, obsessed with his dream of a career. Whoever he is, he can create big troubles in your life.
Passive-aggressive men today
The term "passive-aggressive" was first used during World War II by an Army psychiatrist, Colonel William Menninger, who dealt with cases of intense negative reactions in military life. Menninger recognized that the military machine is designed to achieve uniformity and obedience, where there is no individual choice, opinion or experience, but only rigid rules, where you are not the master of your own destiny. He noted that while some men felt very comfortable in this rigid institutional structure, others vegetated and protested if not through madness, as was the case with the hero of the film “Capture-22”, trying to escape from the army, then through meek disobedience. To cope with the change forced upon them and the lack of personal choice, these soldiers resisted, ignored orders, withdrew and simply wanted to escape. Menninger termed this resistance “passive aggression”, which is a kind of “immaturity reaction” .
Structures that leave little chance for individual expression, such as the military or large bureaucratic institutions, provide fertile ground for passive aggression, which can be considered an attempt (typically futile) by weak people to undermine the authority of a stronger opponent . When someone lacks the strength and resources to directly challenge authority, resistance manifests itself covertly, indirectly.
In some ways, the disobedient World War II soldier is the prototype of today's passive-aggressive man, who also refuses to do what is expected of him. Passive aggression has become a common problem in our everyday lives, going far beyond the military and invading the sphere of personal relationships: at home, in the bedroom, at work. Passive aggression is no longer the result of pitting the weak against the strong; it is the only possible reaction of a person who considers himself weak and helpless to People who, in his opinion, are more powerful. In his mind, his wife turns into a senior sergeant, and his boss into a dictator.
The tragedy of the passive-aggressive man today is that he misinterprets personal relationships as power struggles and believes himself to be powerless.
Also, as you will understand as you read this book, the secret to dating a passive-aggressive man is to correct his misconception and help him feel more powerful.
Passive aggression is such a common phenomenon around the world today that passive-aggressive men easily cross boundaries, literally and figuratively. And if men like Mark and Eddie ruin our personal lives, then some powerful people harm the world and its economy and do it passive-aggressively. Saddam Hussein, who stormed into Kuwait and declared that Iraq was the victim of American aggression, mocked us and tested the limits of our patience. Saddam Hussein's passive aggression is disgusting in its hypocrisy.
But much more typical is the passive aggressor in a candy wrapper who fires his emotional SCUD missiles in your direction at night, asking for a fight and accusing you of being in the line of fire. This is what I call the Cold War of everyday life.
I learn various “war” stories not only from patients talking about the men they love, live or work with, but also from reading in the press about open acts of passive aggression related to politics or business. I'm deeply intrigued by stories of men who manipulate in the bedroom and the boardroom with equal effect. It seems to me that passive aggression will exist for a long time as a style of behavior in human relationships, but people have begun to treat it with more tolerance and have begun to accept it better.
What led to the apparent increase in passive aggression and where does it come from?
The widespread prevalence of passive aggression can be partly attributed to the sexual revolution. Thirty years ago, men achieved self-affirmation through confrontation. If a man wanted something and fought for it, it was called aggression, and society sanctioned it. The art of diplomacy, tact, the ability to smooth out rough edges and resolve serious conflicts were more inherent in the traditional “passive” role of women.
Before the advent of the women's movement, a dissatisfied wife who was financially dependent on her husband was unlikely to express herself and make demands. Today, due to the fact that the imbalance of power in the relationship between a man and a woman has been somewhat corrected, and greater opportunities for independence have appeared, a woman is very inclined to declare herself. When she demanded more power, some of the men she came into contact with felt less powerful and fearful. The women's movement not only helped women understand the meaning of self-empowerment, self-respect and the realization of goals both inside and outside the home, but it also changed men themselves - some very little, and others enormously. From this movement arose the New Woman, and with her the New Man.
This New Man was able to express his feelings, cry, take some of the financial burden off his shoulders by agreeing to let his spouse work if she wanted; he has discarded some of the stereotypes of behavior and gender roles, he helps a woman in childbirth and treats women as equals. The women's movement caused a wave of identity crises in both men and women. Women want the opportunities that have always been open to men, and they fight for those opportunities. Men want to have what they have always had - power, but they give it away or don't give it away in a passive-aggressive manner. The male did not die, he only fell into a comatose state.
It is very common for the New Man to complain about work (which was once considered "effeminacy"), to cry at fate, to declare his poverty and to show weakness, instead of always remaining, as before, the old-style stoic, take-and-take leader. hold." In the book “Power! How to Achieve It and Use It" Michael Korda writes that some men have turned humiliation into a "productive and profitable system." Despite the fact that men show pride, power and leadership without much thinking, life is no longer what it was before and “...hence the difficulty in finding someone who would agree to take responsibility for an unpleasant decision - unlike the old days, when young people viewed every unpleasant decision as a small way station on the road to success and wanted nothing more than to prove that they made this decision themselves, single-handedly, without consulting anyone.”
As I consider the changes the New Man has made in his personal and professional life, I sometimes wonder if the accusatory label of “passive aggression,” which is so easily attached, actually reflects some nostalgia for the 1960s and even earlier times. when men were men and had a clear position.
Certainly, passive aggression is not the exclusive privilege of men; women are also susceptible to it. The reason I focus only on male psychology in this book is because men are passive-aggressive in particularly destructive and ugly forms , killing love, destroying work relationships and world order. They torture both themselves and you. For whatever reason - perhaps because women learn social rules differently, learn charm and diplomacy at an early age, or because women have less testosterone - passive aggression for women today is not as serious a psychological problem as it was. for men.
Why write a book about passive aggression?
The answer is simple: behavior based on passive aggression breaks relationships that could develop perfectly without this reason.
If you have known men like Mark, Jack or Eddie, mentioned above, if such a man is your husband, lover, brother, boss, friend, co-worker, you have seen how he destroys relationships, how he wastes his potential . You, too, were probably deeply offended by this virtuoso of prevarication. You avoid him, and then he inflicts a deep wound on you.
This book is written for women like you who associate with, live with, have been hurt by, or hope to be in a relationship with this unique character. If you love such a man, then you know him as a person who never fully responds to you with his love; he promises but rarely delivers. He sees himself as the victim of repeated misunderstandings, a knot of tangled, intertwined threads of behavior that no one can figure out. His personality is confusing precisely because he is passive, amenable to affection, evasive, but at the same time he shows aggressive resistance to you, intimacy, responsibility and logic.
At the moment, confused by his behavior, you may be doubting yourself, not him. If you're attracted to a passive-aggressive man, trying to figure him out can be as difficult as climbing Mount Everest. As an experienced psychologist, I must tell you that a passive-aggressive man has no advantages over you here - perhaps he, just like you, cannot figure out who he is and how he lives! But, passive aggression is an understandable psychological model of behavior: its driving force is anger, and its hidden cause is fear. As you read this book, you will be able to better understand the passive-aggressive men in your life and the games they play. The ultimate success or failure of your relationship will depend on how you both consciously deal with his and your problems.
With the acquisition of some knowledge about the passive-aggressive personality, you will laugh at his games and loop logic and you will be able to choose to stay with him or leave him and decide what is best for you, you will be able to apply his same tactics to him and reduce your losses. However, if you are caught in a trap—at home, at work, or even by accident—and the accident hurts you even in the slightest, you may feel too deeply hurt to laugh.
If you were hooked by a passive-aggressive man (or if you grew up together), you too often felt hurt and angry at his games. You would like to decide whether to stay with him or leave, but you yourself don’t know why you can’t do this. On the one hand, in front of you is a passive-aggressive man and his antics, and on the other, your own weakness in front of him.
With the help of this book, I hope to guide you through the labyrinth of logic of behavior of a passive-aggressive personality, reveal the secrets of such a personality and help resolve problematic issues.
This book had three purposes:
1. Show how a passive-aggressive man thinks, feels and acts and how he became that way.
2. Explain why you feel exactly what you feel towards such a man.
3. And finally, help you see the perspective of your relationship with a passive-aggressive man; encourage you to analyze your expectations and propose a behavior strategy to begin to eliminate relationship problems.
This book recounts the difficult life experiences of my patients - friends and volunteers, described here under fictitious names, who have already gone through the difficulties that are now facing you. This is not just an analysis of deviant behavior, but an excursion into where problems arise between women and passive-aggressive men, and an attempt, if possible, to change such behavior.
In subsequent chapters you will learn about what makes this behavior, on the one hand, interesting, and on the other, frustrating?. Using real portraits of passive-aggressive men, I will talk in detail about the evolution of the behavior of such a man - why and how he became the way he is. I will describe the main traits of his character - I will show exactly what games and types of behavior set traps for him and for you.
I hope that after reading this book you will understand how to build a relationship with a passive-aggressive man, what you want from him, learn to resist him, and make the right decisions. By improving contact with your partner, find out whether you can resolve relationship problems, or whether you should start looking for other chances and alternatives for yourself and achieve the respect you deserve.
We all strive to understand the meaning of our feelings and actions and set out on the path that will provide the key to understanding why we are who we are and why we love those we love. This is a path worth taking. I believe in intelligence and man's flexible ability to help himself and others. Flexibility helps this willingness in all of us to change what has become an obstacle to relationships. Change is not easy, and it is almost impossible to change another person without their consent.
In this book you will find information about behavioral strategies for changing relationships, based on the experience of those women who lived with and loved passive-aggressive men. But above all, this book gives you the opportunity to start over by understanding and rediscovering yourself.
CHAPTER FIRST
Not everyone gets a responsible partner with whom they can establish good relationships and develop them. Let’s not discuss why people don’t get such partners. I’ll just say one thing, we are all not sugar to one degree or another and it can be difficult for us with each other. But people are different and the difficulties that arise with different people are not the same.
One of the most difficult to communicate with is a passive-aggressive partner. This may be a personality type, or it may be a personal reaction to unfavorable life circumstances. This means that such a person can have any personality, but react to the environment in a passive-aggressive way. In the case of a reaction, it is essentially an adaptation to the same unfavorable environment, a way to feel better.
It would seem that there is a clear contradiction in this name. How can you be both passive and aggressive at the same time? But it’s not that difficult. Such a person attacks others in the form of a victim. “You see, I feel bad! Come on, help me. Do not want? Aren `t you ashamed." In addition, passive-aggressive people often create situations where even people passing by on the street become guilty of something, although they are not even aware of its existence. But what's even more difficult is that passive-aggressive citizens never tell others that they are at fault. Those around them should realize for themselves that they are such bastards.
A passive-aggressive person avoids responsibility for anything in every possible way and tries to transfer it to others with clever, imperceptible movements. Unlike the narcissist, who simply burdens those around him with the privilege of solving all the difficulties for him, the passive-aggressive one seems to do nothing. So a sidelong glance, a dropped word, a sigh... and the responsibility is already on you.
And if you don’t have to communicate with such a person outside the home, even if he sits with you at work at neighboring tables, then in the family this can be simply a disaster.
In general, such a person looks very nice, and good, and even smart, but he always has to defend himself. The people around him are callous and angry, and he is already offended by them in advance. He shoves it in their faces that they are torturing him, that he is their victim, and how can they not? He can often get irritated and even raise his voice, indirectly blaming others, talking about how bad he feels, how he is not appreciated. But he goes on a rampage, from his point of view, not because he is not restrained, but because he has been pushed to the limit.
Such people almost never say directly what they want. They start driving around and around so that the partner himself can guess, decide and do something. If you want to go on vacation at the seaside, at first the passive-aggressive person can pretend to be deathly tired for 2 weeks. Then talk about the boring rain and mud. Then talk about all sorts of cases when people left the city... Then closer and closer to the sea, but still in circles... And when there is only one step left to tell your partner: “Let’s give up on the sea,” the passive-aggressive person is deadly takes offense at callousness on the part of a loved one.
Passive-aggressive - never to blame for anything. He does not actively blame anyone, but speaks with resentment and bitterness that life is such a cruel thing that not only hits, but also kicks. More often than not, close people are found to be to blame. It’s a matter of personal contact, when you can create drama on the spot and feel “innocent.” The partner is usually led to believe that if it weren’t for him, everything would be different. But again they say this not directly, but indirectly: “Well, you were pregnant, so I couldn’t apply for the position.” “Well, I cooked you borscht every evening, and I couldn’t work.” Those. behind the explanations it is clearly read that if it weren’t for you with your pregnancy, and if you didn’t eat soup every evening, I would be / would be happy / happy. But here you are, and your whole life is unbearable cruelty and suffering. But no, the passive-aggressive doesn’t complain, he bravely endures adversity and endures... but you, partner... are such a hard-hearted radish.
A passive-aggressive person often talks about feelings that they have a lot of and that are constantly hurt by others. They, these others, are cruel and do not think every minute about his problems and complex inner world. And it's terrible.
If the opportunity arises to do something together: renovating an apartment, looking for real estate, running a business, doing a project, collecting papers, he always says “we are doing” “we will do.” However, he doesn’t even think about participating in this. You will do this. And don't you dare stick it. He already suffers too much, and here you are with all sorts of rough manifestations of life.
Due to the fact that the partner allegedly tyrannies him all his life, the passive-aggressive person often remembers all sorts of partner failures throughout their entire life together, and sometimes even before it. This is to enhance the effect so that the other member of the couple feels like a bad person. After all, he was always, always, so unhappy and offended, and his partner was a notorious scoundrel.
Considering that most partners of a passive-aggressive personality are weak rescue narcissists. Then they try in every possible way to make the passive-aggressive person feel good, comfortable and happy. But to no avail. He, like Eeyore, responds to the greeting “good day,” with a sigh, and replies, “How can this day be good?” All rescue operations fail under the doomed gaze of the passive-aggressive. The sufferer says: “Oh, I don’t need all this...” but it’s clearly clear that you, a scoundrel, are only making everything worse. The partner knows that he screwed up somewhere and made this unfortunate sufferer even more painful and makes more and more attempts to improve the life of his loved one. Feels guilty that he didn’t guess, didn’t do it, didn’t get it at the right time.
But the passive-aggressive personality doesn't just sit and sigh. If she is not very good at manipulation, she may start a guerrilla war. He does what he is asked to do on the contrary, or he does it in such a way that it would not even occur to him to ask a second time. He may accidentally but regularly spoil things or throw them away. The truth sometimes does this demonstratively. He is late, gets lost, organizes boycotts and pointedly refuses food or help. But, you understand that he is simply forced to do all this, because it is you, as a partner, who force him, you torment him, ruin his life, and he, like a good guy, simply does everything as best he can. Or if you are a complete radish, the passive-aggressive person is simply forced to defend himself from you. However, if something is wrong, he is capable of apologizing, but will still continue in the same spirit. He may agree that he was wrong, but he will do it in such a way that you understand that he is doing this only so that you will stop the violence against him.
Given this behavior, a passive-aggressive partner can lead family life into chaos of varying degrees. He shirks responsibility, lies, procrastinates, does everything the opposite, he cannot be trusted with anything... and the most important thing is that the other partner, you, is to blame for this state of affairs. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, no matter how you burden relationships and everyday life, you are still an unscrupulous tormentor. A passive-aggressive person cannot work, cannot get off the couch, watch the children for 10 minutes, buy bread and milk at the store, or screw in a light bulb. And if you, satrap and rapist, insist, it will be worse for you. The child will fall from the sled into a snowdrift and will remain far behind the father, who is thoughtfully carrying the empty sled, he will fall off the stool and hurt his finger with a broken light bulb, and will buy potatoes instead of apples. And this, of course, is not only about men. Such women also cannot go to the store, turn on the gas stove, a burnt out light bulb is a disaster because of which the husband has to take time off from work.
It is difficult to have a conversation with him or sort things out. All arguments are followed by the answers “Just think for yourself”, “Isn’t it really unclear”, “Do as you want” (with the obvious implication that if you do that, then you’re an asshole), “Well, that’s great” “Well, you’re welcome” ( when the implication is that this is terrible and one cannot agree with it) etc.
This is all done because of the 3 main fears that haunt the passive-aggressive personality: fear of dependence, fear of intimacy and fear of competition. After all, if he agrees with his partner and allows him too close, he may lose control and may begin to really be offended. And if he starts to compete with someone, takes responsibility for something, he may lose or not be able to cope. It’s better to say right away that you are all bastards who are tormenting me, and I won’t get involved with you, because you will still behave like bastards towards me. And I will suffer even more than now.
The only remedy for such a comrade is to designate clear boundaries and responsibility. This, my friend, is what you have to do, and no one else. If you don’t do it, you won’t do it, and there’s no need to look for someone to blame. If your partner is like that, you need to stop making him happy. His happiness is your constant fault. Only he feels so calm. He is not going to change at this stage and will constantly devalue all your attempts to make him better. If you change your behavior and do not respond to his provocations as a victim, then he will have to take responsibility for the relationship on his part. Either change or look for another partner.
