Who would agree to marry a passive-aggressive man? He doesn't do anything! Correction of passive-aggressive behavior.

HOW TO BE FRIENDS WITH A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE HUSBAND

Love, of course, is good, but the main thing in a marriage with a passive-aggressive husband (PAM) is friendship. Before marriage, this is the main content of life - kissing, yearning, torment, etc., and after the wedding, my doves, welcome to real life with real (ad nauseating!) responsibilities. And poor PAM (that’s the way he’s designed) has only two answers to any business proposal: 1) passive (go yourself...) and 2) aggressive (can’t you see, I’m busy!). Sometimes 1-2 follow without any gap. No constructive middle ground! And why did such “happiness” arrive? Because, dear, your husband is a Dunno! No, not because he doesn’t know anything or his head doesn’t work well, but because of his type - thanks to Nikolai Nosov. If the bright image of Dunno has faded from your mind over the years, re-read the original source. The first two books are enough - with the heroines Sineglazka and Button, respectively. Stop! Don't run to the bookcase afterwards. Now I’ll remind you how a little girl can be friends with a kid like Dunno.

1. Sineglazka model.
“He stood for a long time, pressing his forehead against the fence, and the tears kept flowing and could not stop. Suddenly he felt someone touching his shoulder, and someone’s gentle voice said:
Don't cry, Dunno.
He turned around and saw Blue Eyes.
“No need to cry,” she repeated.
Dunno turned away from her, grabbed the fence with his hands and howled even louder. Blue Eyes silently stroked his shoulder with her hand. Dunno shook his shoulder, trying to throw off her hand, and even kicked his leg.
Well, don't, don't be so angry! she spoke affectionately. After all, you are a kind, good kid. You wanted to appear better, so you began to brag and deceive us. But now you won't do that anymore, will you? Won't you?
Dunno was silent.
Say you won't. After all, you are good!
No, I'm bad!
But there are worse things.
No, I'm the worst...
Not true. Gvozdik was worse than you. […] Say that you won’t do this again and start a new life. We will no longer remember the old things.
Well, I won’t! “Dunno muttered gloomily.”
(Sorry for the long quote. Favorite place, since childhood.)

2. Button model.
“ It’s clear, Dunno, that you haven’t gotten a little wiser. You will always dream of a magic wand so that you can somehow live without difficulty, according to the pike’s command. […]
Well, Button, I don’t regret the magic wand! I just thought you were sorry. Why do you reproach me?
Because I want you to be good.
How? - Dunno cried out. And you also want me to be good?
Yes. Who else wants this?
“Well, I have one such girlfriend here,” Dunno waved his hands.”
What follows is very nice, but so as not to get stuck in the quote again, I continue on my own. Freud called the “girlfriend” the “super-ego”, but in fact it is a “built-in Button” or simply Conscience. So (good news!) PAMA has a conscience, but (bad news) it’s weak.
“Listen,” said Dunno, “where were you before this? Why was she silent before? Other shorties have a conscience like a conscience, but I have some kind of snake under the deck! He’ll hide there somewhere, sit and be silent... He’ll wait for me to do something wrong, and then he’ll torture me.”

3. Clarification and addition.
Negativism (I won’t! I don’t want! Why me? etc.) and irritated rebellion poison the life of Dunno and those around him, from bosses to friends. Even with my soulmate Gunka, the characteristic pattern of communication is continuous quarrels and reconciliations. And the bosses are generally lousy.

Firstly, because deep down in his soul Dunno feels incompetent and therefore cannot tolerate any Know-Nothings. Remember the immortal poem “Znayka went for a walk to the river / Jumped over the sheep.” This is about a respectable professor! And Znaykin’s portrait with donkey ears (short career of Dunno the artist)? Therefore, your task is not to be a Znayka for PAM, and if you have to step on the shaky ground of Neznayka’s “badness”, then only in order to give him support, to pull him out of the negative swamp to a dry and healthy place (see Sineglazka’s model).

Secondly, Dunno generally cannot stand power and the coercion that comes from it. And I’m glad to get rid of them, like Znayka, for example. He, remember, jumped with a parachute from a falling balloon, and Dunno detained the rest (to be honest, he chickened out) and, after an emergency landing, usurped power with the help of a little blackmail. Having been a big boss for a week, he, fortunately, did not manage to do much harm - his subordinates were professionals, each in his own business. However, when Znayka returned, his former subordinates immediately switched sides and hounded Dunno (also, by the way, PA style!). But then Sineglazka came and conducted a very good psychotherapeutic session, both individual (see above) and group, with the participation of Dunno’s offenders (see the original source).

So, PAM demands power and freedom, but does not cope with them. At home, this can lead to horrific consequences, from a clogged toilet to a child forgotten at the dacha. How to resolve the dilemma: to lead PAM without becoming a “boss”, how to force him to take reasonable actions without causing automatic denial?
Me too, Newton's binomial! Learn from Button: without irritation (PAM has enough for three), but firmly; expressing his position very clearly, but taking into account the characteristics of this PAM (see the Button model).

Actually, girls, PAM is far from the worst option. And that life-giving storm that he constantly generates? What about occasional impulses towards self-improvement? What about the heroic struggle against laziness? It’s no coincidence that Knopochka finally blurted out:
“ Oh, how funny you are, Dunno! Funny and still good. You probably don't even know how good you are!
How good I am! Dunno said embarrassedly. It’s probably just what it seems to you.”
Well, great again...

I really (!) ask for help. Please give me some advice on how to survive with a passive-aggressive partner. It seems to me that my brain will explode just from these antics. I need strength to build a life, a career, for my beloved baby, but I simply have no resources left for anything.
Is it possible to somehow get around these situations - maybe I’m “crashing” into them at full speed, but I need to be wiser and more flexible?

Second husband, married 6.5 years. There is a small child. Problems with my husband. It is very difficult to even describe what it is, but those who are familiar with passive-aggressive behavior will understand what I mean. Previously, I had no such problems with men at all; I was always treated with respect.

I am much younger than my current husband, beautiful, interesting, with two diplomas, (albeit an unfulfilled career), who has seen the world. He, as it turned out, has low self-esteem. He used to have a very successful business, but now everything is different and he is nervous. He doesn’t love himself, this manifests itself in many ways. It feels like he doesn’t believe that I love him at all, as if he doesn’t deserve it. We got married for great love. However, in the very first years of living together, what I believe was emotional abuse began. Very controlling, suspicious. Very manipulative. He can’t stand his mother because, they believe, her character drove their father to an early grave. He rarely sees her, although we live in the same city, he does his duty, but he doesn’t respect her and doesn’t love her at all. I am convinced that in this hatred of his mother lies his lack of respect for women.

Again - before - he would immediately get wound up, feel that he was losing control, and begin to insult, use sarcasm, and derogatory epithets as arguments. The funny thing is this: since I started to get worked up in response to this, then I was always, always, always accused of having a problem with managing my anger. That is, from a sore head to a healthy one. He talks a lot and for a long time, he hangs his tongue, drives me into a corner and pressures me to admit my guilt. I wrote letters about this and became so convinced that this was MY problem that I believed in it myself. He knew how to create a fog, so much so that you leave the room and think: it’s probably really me and I’m not right in the head. In addition, I was constantly crippled by the thought that since I was divorced, it means that the problem was in me and I tried more and more to be flexible, feminine (as he asked me - now I understand that this is pure manipulation: behave like that , as I want, and you will be “feminine”.

He likes to drink, which confuses me. That is, he doesn’t get drunk as hell, but he can hit hard, and then he can either fall asleep giggling, or he becomes aggressive and then it’s better not to touch him, he goes to bed, but on the second day he will be in a bad mood. Having drunk, he never gets into trouble. Never ever.

A lot of things are left in the past. I had to give strict ultimatums about his behavior, plus, he didn’t want a child, and I desperately wanted a baby. I was going to break off the relationship, because my age was very pressing, there was only one last chance left, for me it was simply unbearable to stay any longer, it was a road to nowhere. I tried to persuade him for years, he always found a reason to create a conflict (almost always out of the blue), and then twisted everything in such a way that everything became my fault, and it was me who was supposedly unbalanced and what the hell are children if I have a problem? with anger. My brain became askew and I started working with a psychologist, worked through my problems (and those who didn’t have them had problems with their mother), and realized that the problem was not with me.

He agreed to have a child only after I said that I would leave and have him myself and I didn’t care how, and that I wouldn’t live with him if he cut off my oxygen in terms of children, because I would hate him all my life. He was afraid of losing me.

About anger. Now I understand that this is his projection. He gets wound up easily and projected all this onto me. His sister and son from his first marriage told how he could scream at the whole house, just boil from zero to 100 degrees. For him, the topic of anger is like a red rag for a bull - in his concept, anger is disgusting, it cannot be expressed or expressed quietly so that there are no casualties and destruction. That is why his favorite way of expressing anger is through games of ignoring and remaining silent. Walks and doesn't talk. I’m looking for contact, gradually starting to boil, then trying to establish it, and then he usually got up and left in the middle of the conversation, or locked himself in his room. I read enough to know that this is a common scenario, and that men avoid conflict, while women often need to “negotiate” and put the finishing touches on things. If I followed him to end the conversation and get some kind of resolution or peaceful settlement: “get out of here now,” or worse. I just sent it. He yelled at me and insulted me. Then I thought that it was really all my fault and always apologized. Then he usually walked around and puffed with righteous anger, the conflict lasted another week, despite my apologies, then he scolded me like a little girl and repeated a million times that I have problems with anger and I need to see a specialist.
Again: now I understand that the problem of anger is in himself, and he painfully cannot admit it to himself and displaces it into someone else.

BUT.

All this suddenly stopped when I became pregnant. He blew away the dust from me, started a new life, wanted to leave everything in the past. I can honestly say that over the past couple of years there have been no silences, no ignores (which simply drove me crazy), and almost no conflicts. From the birth of the child, he also behaved like silk, tried very hard, prepared, ran around buying everything for the baby, devoted a lot of time to me, took me to Italy during pregnancy, photographed every step, asked what to help. After birth, he, who did not go near the kitchen at all, and clearly separated the so-called male and female responsibilities, began to cook our food, go shopping, and bring me breakfast in bed.

That is, changes have occurred and are actually significant.

And here's the problem.

The husband is unreliable. Or maybe my radar for him is already so high that I see devils everywhere? This is what I can’t understand anymore. I have a constant feeling of instability, unreliability. I'll explain with an example.

The three of us went for a walk with the child. On the way, he ran into me for some trifle and was very irritated. He’s very stressed right now with his work, he doesn’t have much work to do, he’s very worried and I’m trying not to bother him. And then, even though we swore, I bit my tongue. Let's go for a walk, I frown and roll forward with the stroller. He stayed somewhere behind, then disappeared altogether. I call him. “I’m going back to the car,” and hangs up. He has this way of stalking into the bushes and then blocking me. I call back, he doesn't answer. I don’t know whether to go further into the forest or back to the car, or what to do at all. Called back 11 times, zero response. NATURALLY I got angry. It feels like he is doing this on purpose, provoking. I went back and came to the car with steam coming out of my ears. I ask why you didn’t pick up the phone? I wanted to know what we were going to do about the walk. His answer: “I didn’t want to take it.” A curtain. At this point I lost my temper and said: well, let’s sit and wait until you answer me why you didn’t pick up the phone. (*you don’t have to explain, this is my mistake, I didn’t need to talk to him like that*, I was wrong here) Then he throws me the keys and says, oh well, you’ll get there yourself. And he walks home (20 km). (his sister gave him a ride, as I found out). In the evening he came, said hello and went to sleep in another room.
A month has passed. During this time, relations were civilized, but we slept in different rooms, and in general they were strained. For the holidays, I prepared food, didn’t particularly impose my company, but wanted to create at least some semblance of mood and celebration. He sat through the New Year's table with a straight face and did me a favor. I left him alone. She behaved friendly, but did not impose herself. She fed, watered, washed, talked about general affairs and the baby.

Next, we agreed that we would go to the Russian consulate to get a Russian passport for the child. I asked. I asked a lot of questions. I agreed. We made an appointment. Two days before the trip, he flatly refuses. Cause? “I don’t like what’s happening to our relationship and I don’t even know what will happen to us as a family in six months.” Out of nowhere. True, I blurted out to him at dinner, in response to his discussion of that “walk” on which we quarreled - “I believe that this is an incorrect representation of events, and I can confirm this in any court.” Knowing his paranoia, I think he decided that I was hatching plans for divorce. Which is complete nonsense, because everything was, in general, good.
I was just terribly upset. My family lives in Russia, some of them are not at all in good health, and if something happens, I will have to quickly fly out with the child - and for this the child needs to have our passport. So I plan ahead just in case. Otherwise, I will simply be in a hopeless situation. I have no one to leave the child with. My husband works and may even be on a business trip.

This is just an example. The most important thing that upsets me about all this is his manner of pulling the rug out from under his feet at the last moment. It feels like you are walking and suddenly you discover that there is no floor under your feet or it is falling through. Why does this bother me so much? This kind of tricks really, really destabilizes me. And then memories come flooding back. He could, for no apparent reason, get angry about something, leave me in the middle of an unfamiliar Spanish city and say: I’m going to the hotel, you’ll get there yourself. At the same time, I barely remembered the name of the hotel, let alone the address. Or also, on vacation, rush into the bedroom in the middle of the night, angry as hell (I have no idea why to this day), start turning on the light and to my timid comments (the friends who rented the house with us were sleeping behind the wall) that I’m here as if I was sleeping and couldn’t I turn off the light - I could grab a pillow and rush to sleep in another bedroom. I went after him to ask what he was doing. Kicked me out without explanation, “You’re stalking me!” This is for the woman I love. Then the rest was ruined for me, I had to play face in front of my friends, he accused me that I was stalking him, that I was the aggressor, and he was an angel and just wanted to sleep. Or, in the same way, suddenly buck and stop talking to me on another vacation, remain silent for half the vacation, the entire plane and another half a month at home, and then blame me for everything. As I write, it seems to me that this is some kind of dream. It's like he's constantly running from the woman.

Sometimes it seems to me that he himself plays out some of his own scenarios, and I have nothing to do with it. For example, he is going to leave for a month on business, I flirt with him and lure him in every possible way, but he turns to stone, and then with tears he says that he thought so, that after the birth of the child he will become unnecessary to me and we will stop having sex. And this despite the fact that I curled around him like bindweed, even though I didn’t rape him. That is, he ALREADY DECIDED for himself that I DO NOT NEED him, and that everything is bad, he himself was upset, drew conclusions and did not even pay attention to me myself, who was trying to seduce him! At the same time, he sadly said, “I knew it!” In English this is called “self-fulfilled prophecy” - a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Complete nonsense. Is this some kind of disorder? Or what is it even?

In the past he could
-refuse to help (for example, I have a very important work that is due tomorrow, and the computer crashed, he could have helped, but since he was angry, he simply walked away from me and locked the door in front of his nose
- refuse to communicate at my polite request (I have more important things to do than listen to all this)
- sarcasm, derogatory comments, insults
- disrupt plans at the last moment (“it was your own fault if it weren’t for your anger!”)
- until the last moment I might not know whether he was taking me to the airport, for example, (2 hours away), or whether he was going with me on a trip to another country (“I don’t know how I want to, let’s see your behavior”, “I don’t know if I want to”, etc.)
- take me on a beautiful trip, supposedly to support me (I had a miscarriage, we lost a child) and arrange a debriefing there for half a night (this is 3 days after the loss of the baby!) - accusing me of anger, inability to “behave decently” "and some other nonsense. It still hurts to remember. He clearly has some psychological processes inside him that I do not control.
It's as if he's working through some of his own scenarios. It often seemed to me... that he’s just making things up and talking nonsense and just not talking to me!

You see, all this has been gone for a long time. He has changed a lot about himself, he is trying. He even became HIMSELF! Apologize! Two days ago, for example, and last week. He loves the child very, very much, is attached to him like crazy, spends a lot of time and I know that he would not want to ruin Lyalina’s childhood. In his first marriage, everything was different for him, which he regrets, the relationship with the children did not work out and he really wants to rewrite the history of his family from scratch, in an amicable way.

But as soon as he even stutters or does something that demonstrates his unreliability, unpredictability, I again have flashbacks and my mind breaks down. My brain literally hurts. BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT NEXT. I suffer from his unstable behavior, I started getting migraines that I never had before. I'm feeding my baby and these tricks are driving me crazy. Despair comes over me and it seems to me that I need to run further and faster. The problem is that I have nowhere to go. At all. I have neither a mother nor a father in this country, and I don’t want to move back to Russia.

I have a tiny salary, which almost all will be spent on a child’s nursery soon, when I go back to work. I have been looking for a good job for the 5th year now, now it is extremely difficult to find a job - it would be a salvation for me, I have made a lot of attempts, but despite my diplomas, I do not have a good resume and my career has not taken place. I don't lose hope, but for now it's what it is.

Please talk to me. HOW TO SURVIVE AROUND SUCH A PERSON so that I feel more comfortable than now? How can I convey to him that his actions are simply killing me, destabilizing me, that I don’t feel safe?
How can I make it not spit out unpredictable numbers? Perhaps we need to introduce some kind of sanctions and strictly adhere to them? I am not inclined to manipulate, I like to discuss everything directly and honestly, I quickly forget and cool down, and nothing ever happens to him for his feints.

I despaired of explaining anything, because I know that all dialogues end with accusations of myself. He has a completely crazy way of shifting everything from a sore head to a healthy one, and he absolutely does not like to take responsibility for his mistakes. Yes, he apologized recently and even wrote that he is the source of stress and he asks for forgiveness. For him this is an unheard of, colossal achievement. He is usually very proud.

I'm on the verge of just going nowhere. I understand that at the moment this will be madness and my child and I will live in real poverty. He will do everything to avoid helping us - he can be vindictive, I know that.

How to prevent his unpredictable passive-aggressive behavior (are they caused by periodic drinking of alcohol)? Or, if this is impossible, then how can I make sure that I at least don’t react to them like that? Until I find a job with a much higher salary, I have nowhere to go. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. VERY destabilizing. Maybe I’m wasting my time rubbing salt in my wounds and remembering past episodes? It's probably a self-preservation instinct.
Am I exaggerating and should I try to forget the past and give the person a chance? I'm really confused.

Thanks to those who read and thank you very much in advance for your opinions. It's too painful for me.
And please help with tags.

UPDATE: I AM VERY, VERY THANKFUL FOR EVERYONE'S REPLY AND PARTICIPATION - THANK YOU! Support is so important to me.
There is no way to answer everyone at once, I will answer little by little.

From the book "Man and Woman. The Secret of Sacred Marriage" by T. Vasilets.

“...The male aggression necessary for survival is nothing more than a unique and natural force. This is a spiritual force and it inevitably evolves...

Why has a man - a spiritual warrior, consciously protecting his beloved woman, protecting the weak, become a rarity?..

The spiritual ignorance of a technocratic society plays a risky game with this powerful and great natural male force. As long as male aggression is mostly an unconscious force and therefore does not have one hundred percent direction, it represents a hellish cauldron, closed with a heavy lid of infantility. The reason for this state of affairs is the absence in Western culture of the necessary initiations-initiations: special initiation rites that could promptly direct the male aggression of a maturing personality in a constructive direction, transforming it into a protective, creative force.

The culture of spiritually developed countries is always rich in initiations. If they are not there, pseudo-initiations are inevitably born - surrogate tests, which are designed to solve the problems of growth and development in their own way, for example, to channel male aggression and use it for inhumane purposes...

...The lack of useful social channels for using natural male aggression leads to the emergence of the so-called passive aggression... Scott Wetzler described the phenomenon of passive aggression in his book How to Live with That Insufferable Man. He called this phenomenon "meek disobedience."

Passive, disguised aggression, according to Wetzler, is the scourge of modern men. “When someone lacks the strength and sources to challenge directly... resistance manifests itself covertly, indirectly... The tragedy of the passive-aggressive man today is that he misinterprets personal relationships as a power struggle and feels powerless... The secret to dating a passive-aggressive man is to correct this misconception and help him feel more powerful,” writes Wetzler.

Wetzler believes that the passive-aggressive defense exists not only in men, but also in women, but it is more common in men. For modern women, an obvious, open form of aggression has become more typical.

Implicit, hidden aggression is expressed in the lack of open initiative, in shifting responsibility to others, in indecision, in creating a fog of uncertainty and ambiguity in relationships, in the frequent use of lies and empty apologies. Passive aggression is a chronic failure to fulfill contracts and promises in time and substance, putting things off from day to day, and strange forgetfulness in fulfilling requests. This is ignoring the expectations of others, devaluing the interlocutor, for example, in the form of crossing out his reality - “You are making everything up,” “You are doing it wrong,” etc., as well as interrupting, avoiding answering questions, avoiding the topic proposed by the interlocutor. A passive-aggressive man resorts to these techniques out of fear of being dependent, fear of competition and emotional intimacy. “As a result, he is often in a bad mood, making himself out to be the victim and blaming you,” writes Wetzler. In this case, men exhibit hidden hostility towards women, refusal of responsibility for male social functions and distortion of real facts for this purpose.

S. Wetzler identifies a man’s question addressed to his woman, characteristic of passive-aggressive behavior: “Why should I do anything for you?” This is the same as: “Why does a man - I, but not You? Why I should give you a hand, not You to me? Why at a wedding ceremony I should take you in my arms, not You- me? Why I should propose marriage to you, not You to me?"

In life, this type of aggression, due to its implicit nature, is not perceived as aggression; it has not yet been exposed by public consciousness. This is not yet widely discussed, like, for example, the dangers of smoking. Passive aggression thrives as a socially tolerated form of behavior. It is widespread and deeply penetrates into all areas of human relationships, therefore it is especially toxic and destructive for both business and any interpersonal contacts.

“Problems with a passive-aggressive man arise from his...indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility, hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity (a form of self-deprecation). If what he says or does doesn't make sense to you or makes you angry... that's passive aggression.

...The term itself seems paradoxical, and the question arises: how can a person be both passive and aggressive at the same time, and not just one thing? ...A passive-aggressive man... is not passive today and aggressive tomorrow... Rather, a passive-aggressive man is both passive and aggressive. The paradox is that he abandons his aggression when it manifests itself.”

Here are two examples from S. Wetzler’s numerous observations of the manifestations of passive aggression in men: “... He tries to make you doubt yourself... “You were mistaken about our meeting. It is written in my diary for tomorrow, not yesterday. This is exactly why I started a diary. Yes, one o'clock in the afternoon suits me. But maybe I'll have to leave town. Call me if you want to have lunch with me in a few days.” Well, how can you not lose your temper!” Wetzler writes: “One woman told me that her husband painted half the window frames in their bedroom and has been promising to finish the job for two years. When guests ask why the frames are gray and white, she replies: “The phone rang.” For years she has tried to use a sense of humor to suppress her irritation and disappointment, but the unfinished work is always before her eyes.”

Passive aggression is formed in a child accustomed to emotional deprivation, most of whose mental needs were not satisfied... The personality of any person - man or woman - contains both masculine and feminine properties. In every woman there is a hidden masculine principle - Animus, in every man - a hidden feminine principle - Anima. Their internal content is heterogeneous - they consist of parts, certain substructures, each of which performs certain functions in the inner world of a person. It is convenient to denote these parts by representing them as characters. A woman's animus is formed on the foundation of images of her father and other male figures that replace him, real or imaginary. A man’s anima arises from the image of his mother and the images of other women, both real and those arising in his inner world.

The main feature of a passive-aggressive man is his alienation from his own masculinity as a powerful protective force. Growing up, he remains painfully dependent on both his real mother and image mother, formed in his personality. Carrying this maternal image within himself as the only well-functioning defense mechanism, a man looks for the same figure in the women he meets - this is how he childishly strives for security. Such a man strives for women who are “saviors” or “administrators.” This dependence leads the passive-aggressive man to depend on many external objects, including social structures that provide “care.”

A healthy male strategy is that a woman should be conquered through inevitable natural competition with other men. A passive-aggressive man prefers to be conquered, as he is terrified of rejection, battles and defeats. He suffers from a painful dependence on the assessments of others, an obsessive need for acceptance on their part, especially on the part of women. At the same time, he seeks to hide this dependence by rejecting and devaluing women. He may also devalue many things that are significant to him. This is how the desire to gain masculine strength, freedom and independence is distortedly reflected in the behavior of an immature man.

So, a passive-aggressive man is an immature man who has yet to connect with his natural masculine spiritual strength and inner femininity that heals and replenishes masculine strength...

... Any man has natural aggression from the very beginning. A passive-aggressive man in this sense has a kind of internal “bomb”. And if this “bomb” resides in the area of ​​the unconscious, that is, while male aggression is not conscious and its vector is not yet directed towards defense, it, being suppressed (passive) or manifested openly in the form of an explosion, is capable of blindly destroying both the man himself and and the world around him. A mature man differs from a passive-aggressive man in that he is in contact with his natural male aggression and knows how to purposefully use it to protect the feminine and children's worlds, to protect his interests and the interests of those for whom he has taken responsibility.

In Chrétien de Troyes' myth "The Holy Grail" - a unique illustration of the ascent of the masculine principle to the highest stages of maturity - there is a Red Knight. He personifies uninitiated natural male aggression. The Red Knight is dressed in red clothes, even his armor and horse blanket are red. The natural force in the person of the Red Knight is still unbridled and sows evil. The Red Knight openly enjoys his superiority, humiliates and plunders until the hero of the myth - Parsifal (meaning "naive fool"), traveling in search of his masculine destiny, defeats him. Robert A. Johnson, analyzing the myth of the “Holy Grail” in his book “He. Deep Aspects of Male Psychology,” notes that every man on the path to his maturity will have win your inner Red Knight. In other words, every man has to convert natural male aggression into a powerful protective function, otherwise the Red Knight will completely take over and make his personality overwhelming everyone and everything.

...Women have no idea what a long and difficult path (a man) must go through from his dear, irreplaceable, caring mother and embark on a path of trials that is completely different from the one she has traversed, where it is no longer possible to use either maternal experience or advice. From this point of view, it can be noted that a girl should try to be like her mother, while a boy should learn to be different from her...

Rough male power, being uninitiated, paradoxically, leads men to self-doubt, isolation and alienation from their own feelings. This alienation leads to a loss of contact with the female part of the personality - with the world of the Soul, where not only feelings live, but also the inspiring and healing powers of his Inner Woman, which are so necessary for any man. Separated from their Soul, men seek contact with it through numerous contacts with real women.

Male maturity is manifested primarily in how a man relates to woman and children. If the need to protect them and take care of them becomes his deepest need, that is, if a man achieves in his development such a fullness of male protective will, which forms a natural for him giving, outgoing flow, we can talk about male maturity. So in the inner world - the mature masculine principle, first of all, protects femininity. Only when protected, femininity (Soul) is able to “spread its wings” and give its protector the divine experience of flight!

...A man who grew up in conditions of a deficiency of male protection and an exaggerated maternal principle has infantile (immature) masculinity, from which he himself and modern society as a whole suffer. And since many men from childhood receive a distorted, surrogate feminine principle, depressive and depressed, on the one hand, and on the other, overloaded with the masculine traits of the mother, such a man would rather win or destroy than protect the woman.

The insecure female part of the male personality turns on hypermaternal functions for its protection. A man whose anima contains an overdeveloped hypermaternal structure suffers from an unconscious obsessive desire to free himself from its influence and reject its controlling essence. He gets stuck at the stage of separation - separation from the parental family. Such stuckness can take not only the form of depression, alcohol or drug addiction, but also look like neurotic nihilism (denial of any values, norms, rules), or results in frequent changes of places of work and residence. A man can unconsciously express this protest through a series of unsuccessful marriages, tirelessly fighting with his wives instead of defeating the suppressive feminine aspect within himself. Men who are not mature enough unconsciously perceive women with hostility and/or caution. It seems to them that, having won their recognition, they should either separate or free themselves from women, since a woman is unconsciously perceived primarily as controlling mother, or beat them in competition if a woman is unconsciously perceived as sister.

The desire to defeat your internal hypermaternal structure, to free yourself from its influence, can become chronic and, reaching the point of neurotic obsession, manifest itself in the need to “revenge” not only on women, but also on the world as a whole.

This site already has a text about, called. This is an important topic today, so I touch on this topic again. Below is an excerpt from the book by T. Vasilets:

“As long as male aggression is mostly an unconscious force and therefore does not have one hundred percent direction, it represents a hellish cauldron, closed with a heavy lid of immaturity.

Indirect, hidden aggression is expressed in the lack of open initiative, in shifting responsibility to others, in indecision, in creating a fog of uncertainty and ambiguity in relationships, in the frequent use of lies and empty apologies.

Passive aggression is a chronic failure to comply with contracts in time and in substance. and promises, putting things off from day to day, strange forgetfulness in fulfilling requests. This is ignoring the expectations of others, devaluing the interlocutor, for example, in the form of crossing out his reality - “You’re making it up,” “You’re doing it wrong,” etc., as well as interrupting, avoiding answering questions, avoiding the topic proposed by the interlocutor.

A passive-aggressive man resorts to these techniques out of fear of being dependent, fear of competition and emotional intimacy. “As a result, he is often in a bad mood, making himself out to be the victim and blaming you.” — writes Wetzler. In this case, men exhibit hidden hostility towards women, refusal of responsibility for male social functions and distortion of real facts for this purpose.

S. Wetzler highlights a man’s question addressed to his woman, characteristic of passive-aggressive behavior: “Why should I do something for you?” This is the same as: “Why am I the man and not you? Why should I shake hands with you and not you with me? Why should I take you in my arms at the wedding ceremony, and not you – me? Why should I propose marriage to you, and not you to me?”

In life, this type of aggression, due to its implicit nature, is not perceived as aggression; it has not yet been exposed by public consciousness. This is not yet widely discussed, like, for example, the dangers of smoking.

Passive aggression thrives as a socially tolerated form of behavior. It is widespread and deeply penetrates into all areas of human relationships, therefore it is especially toxic and destructive for both business and any interpersonal contacts.

Problems with a passive-aggressive man arise from his...indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility, hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity (a form of self-deprecation). If what he says or does doesn't make sense to you or makes you angry... that's passive aggression.

The term itself seems paradoxical, and the question arises: how can a person be both passive and aggressive at the same time, and not just one? A passive-aggressive man is not passive today and aggressive tomorrow... Rather, a passive-aggressive man is both passive and aggressive. The paradox is that he abandons his aggression when it manifests itself.”

Here are two examples from S. Wetzler’s numerous observations of manifestations of passive aggression in men:“...He makes you doubt yourself... “You were wrong about our meeting. It is written in my diary for tomorrow, not yesterday. This is exactly why I started a diary. Yes, one o'clock in the afternoon suits me. But maybe I'll have to leave town. Call me if you want to have lunch with me in a few days.” How can you not lose your temper!

Wetzler writes: “One woman told me that her husband painted half the window frames in their bedroom and has been promising to finish the job for two years. When guests ask why the frames are gray and white, she replies: “The phone rang.” For years she has tried to use a sense of humor to suppress her irritation and disappointment, but the unfinished work is always before her eyes.”

Passive aggression is formed in a child accustomed to emotional deprivation, most of whose mental needs were not satisfied. The personality of any person - man or woman - contains both masculine and feminine properties. Their internal content is heterogeneous - they consist of parts, certain substructures, each of which performs certain functions in the inner world of a person.

The main feature of a passive-aggressive man is his alienation from his own masculinity as a powerful protective force. As he becomes an adult, he remains painfully dependent both on his real mother and on the image of the mother that has formed in his personality.

Carrying this maternal image within himself as the only well-functioning defense mechanism, a man looks for the same figure in the women he meets - this is how he childishly strives for security. Such a man strives for women who are “saviors” or “administrators.” This dependence leads the passive-aggressive man to depend on many external objects, including social structures that provide “care.”

A healthy male strategy is that a woman should be conquered through inevitable natural competition with other men. A passive-aggressive man prefers to be conquered, as he is terrified of rejection, battles and defeats.

He suffers from a painful dependence on the assessments of others, an obsessive need for acceptance on their part, especially on the part of women. At the same time, he seeks to hide this dependence by rejecting and devaluing women. He may also devalue many things that are significant to him. This is how the desire to gain masculine strength, freedom and independence is distortedly reflected in the behavior of an immature man.

Problems with a passive-aggressive man arise from his...indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility, hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity (a form of self-deprecation). If what he says or does doesn't make sense to you or makes you angry... that's passive aggression.

The term itself seems paradoxical, and the question arises: how can a person be both passive and aggressive at the same time, and not just one thing? ...A passive-aggressive man... is not passive today and aggressive tomorrow... Rather, a passive-aggressive man is both passive and aggressive. The paradox is that he abandons his aggression when it manifests itself.”

Any man has natural aggression from the very beginning. A passive-aggressive man in this sense has a kind of internal “bomb”. And if this “bomb” resides in the area of ​​the unconscious, that is, while male aggression is not conscious and its vector is not yet directed towards defense, it, being suppressed (passive) or manifested openly in the form of an explosion, is capable of blindly destroying both the man himself and and the world around him.

A mature man differs from a passive-aggressive man in that he is in contact with his natural male aggression and knows how to purposefully use it to protect the feminine and children's worlds, to protect his interests and the interests of those for whom he has taken responsibility.

Women do not imagine what a long and difficult path a man must go through from his dear, irreplaceable, caring mother and embark on a path of trials that is completely different from the one she has traversed, where it is no longer possible to use either maternal experience or advice. From this point of view, it can be noted that a girl should try to be like her mother, while a boy should learn to be different from her.

Rough male power, being uninitiated, paradoxically, leads men to self-doubt, isolation and alienation from their own feelings. This alienation leads to a loss of contact with the “female part of the personality” - with the world of the Soul, where not only feelings live, but also the inspiring and healing powers of his “Inner Woman” that are so necessary for any man are stored. Separated from their Soul, men seek contact with it through numerous contacts with real women.

A man who grew up in conditions of a deficiency of male protection and an exaggerated maternal principle has infantile (immature) masculinity, from which he himself and modern society as a whole suffer. And since many men from childhood receive a distorted, surrogate feminine principle, depressive and depressed, on the one hand, and on the other, overloaded with the masculine traits of the mother, such a man would rather win or destroy than protect the woman. The insecure female part of the male personality turns on hypermaternal functions for its protection. He gets stuck at the stage of separation - separation from the parental family.

Such stuckness can take not only the form of depression, alcohol or drug addiction, but also look like neurotic nihilism (denial of any values, norms, rules), or results in frequent changes of places of work and residence. A man can unconsciously express this protest through a series of unsuccessful marriages, tirelessly fighting with his wives instead of defeating the suppressive feminine aspect within himself.

Men who are not mature enough unconsciously perceive women with hostility and/or caution. It seems to them that having won their recognition from women, they should either separate, free themselves, since the woman is unconsciously perceived primarily as a controlling mother, or beat them in competition, if the woman is unconsciously perceived as a sister.