Passive aggression. Passive-aggressive behavior

This site already has a text about, called. This is an important topic today, so I touch on this topic again. Below is an excerpt from the book by T. Vasilets:

“As long as male aggression is mostly an unconscious force and therefore does not have one hundred percent direction, it represents a hellish cauldron, closed with a heavy lid of immaturity.

Indirect, hidden aggression is expressed in the lack of open initiative, in shifting responsibility to others, in indecision, in creating a fog of uncertainty and ambiguity in relationships, in the frequent use of lies and empty apologies.

Passive aggression is a chronic failure to comply with contracts in time and in substance. and promises, putting things off from day to day, strange forgetfulness in fulfilling requests. This is ignoring the expectations of others, devaluing the interlocutor, for example, in the form of crossing out his reality - “You’re making it up,” “You’re doing it wrong,” etc., as well as interrupting, avoiding answering questions, avoiding the topic proposed by the interlocutor.

A passive-aggressive man resorts to these techniques out of fear of being dependent, fear of competition and emotional intimacy. “As a result, he is often in a bad mood, making himself out to be the victim and blaming you.” — writes Wetzler. In this case, men exhibit hidden hostility towards women, refusal of responsibility for male social functions and distortion of real facts for this purpose.

S. Wetzler highlights a man’s question addressed to his woman, characteristic of passive-aggressive behavior: “Why should I do something for you?” This is the same as: “Why am I the man and not you? Why should I shake hands with you and not you with me? Why should I take you in my arms at the wedding ceremony, and not you – me? Why should I propose marriage to you, and not you to me?”

In life, this type of aggression, due to its implicit nature, is not perceived as aggression; it has not yet been exposed by public consciousness. This is not yet widely discussed, like, for example, the dangers of smoking.

Passive aggression thrives as a socially tolerated form of behavior. It is widespread and deeply penetrates into all areas of human relationships, therefore it is especially toxic and destructive for both business and any interpersonal contacts.

Problems with a passive-aggressive man arise from his...indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility, hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity (a form of self-deprecation). If what he says or does doesn't make sense to you or makes you angry... that's passive aggression.

The term itself seems paradoxical, and the question arises: how can a person be both passive and aggressive at the same time, and not just one thing? A passive-aggressive man is not passive today and aggressive tomorrow... Rather, a passive-aggressive man is both passive and aggressive. The paradox is that he abandons his aggression when it manifests itself.”

Here are two examples from S. Wetzler’s numerous observations of manifestations of passive aggression in men:“...He makes you doubt yourself... “You were wrong about our meeting. It is written in my diary for tomorrow, not yesterday. This is exactly why I started a diary. Yes, one o'clock in the afternoon suits me. But maybe I'll have to leave town. Call me if you want to have lunch with me in a few days.” How can you not lose your temper!

Wetzler writes: “One woman told me that her husband painted half the window frames in their bedroom and has been promising to finish the job for two years. When guests ask why the frames are gray and white, she replies: “The phone rang.” For years she has tried to use a sense of humor to suppress her irritation and disappointment, but the unfinished work is always before her eyes.”

Passive aggression is formed in a child accustomed to emotional deprivation, most of whose mental needs were not satisfied. The personality of any person - man or woman - contains both masculine and feminine properties. Their internal content is heterogeneous - they consist of parts, certain substructures, each of which performs certain functions in the inner world of a person.

The main feature of a passive-aggressive man is his alienation from his own masculinity as a powerful protective force. As he becomes an adult, he remains painfully dependent both on his real mother and on the image of the mother that has formed in his personality.

Carrying this maternal image within himself as the only well-functioning defense mechanism, a man looks for the same figure in the women he meets - this is how he childishly strives for security. Such a man strives for women who are “saviors” or “administrators.” This dependence leads the passive-aggressive man to depend on many external objects, including social structures that provide “care.”

A healthy male strategy is that a woman should be conquered through inevitable natural competition with other men. A passive-aggressive man prefers to be conquered, as he is terrified of rejection, battles and defeats.

He suffers from a painful dependence on the assessments of others, an obsessive need for acceptance on their part, especially on the part of women. At the same time, he seeks to hide this dependence by rejecting and devaluing women. He may also devalue many things that are significant to him. This is how the desire to gain masculine strength, freedom and independence is distortedly reflected in the behavior of an immature man.

Problems with a passive-aggressive man arise from his...indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility, hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity (a form of self-deprecation). If what he says or does doesn't make sense to you or makes you angry... that's passive aggression.

The term itself seems paradoxical, and the question arises: how can a person be both passive and aggressive at the same time, and not just one thing? ...A passive-aggressive man... is not passive today and aggressive tomorrow... Rather, a passive-aggressive man is both passive and aggressive. The paradox is that he abandons his aggression when it manifests itself.”

Any man has natural aggression from the very beginning. A passive-aggressive man in this sense has a kind of internal “bomb”. And if this “bomb” resides in the area of ​​the unconscious, that is, while male aggression is not conscious and its vector is not yet directed towards defense, it, being suppressed (passive) or manifested openly in the form of an explosion, is capable of blindly destroying both the man himself and and the world around him.

A mature man differs from a passive-aggressive man in that he is in contact with his natural male aggression and knows how to purposefully use it to protect the feminine and children's worlds, to protect his interests and the interests of those for whom he has taken responsibility.

Women do not imagine what a long and difficult path a man must go through from his dear, irreplaceable, caring mother and embark on a path of trials that is completely different from the one she has traversed, where it is no longer possible to use either maternal experience or advice. From this point of view, it can be noted that a girl should try to be like her mother, while a boy should learn to be different from her.

Rough male power, being uninitiated, paradoxically, leads men to self-doubt, isolation and alienation from their own feelings. This alienation leads to a loss of contact with the “female part of the personality” - with the world of the Soul, where not only feelings live, but also the inspiring and healing powers of his “Inner Woman” that are so necessary for any man are stored. Separated from their Soul, men seek contact with it through numerous contacts with real women.

A man who grew up in conditions of a deficiency of male protection and an exaggerated maternal principle has infantile (immature) masculinity, from which he himself and modern society as a whole suffer. And since many men from childhood receive a distorted, surrogate feminine principle, depressive and depressed, on the one hand, and on the other, overloaded with the masculine traits of the mother, such a man would rather win or destroy than protect the woman. The insecure female part of the male personality turns on hypermaternal functions for its protection. He gets stuck at the stage of separation - separation from the parental family.

Such stuckness can take not only the form of depression, alcohol or drug addiction, but also look like neurotic nihilism (denial of any values, norms, rules), or results in frequent changes of places of work and residence. A man can unconsciously express this protest through a series of unsuccessful marriages, tirelessly fighting with his wives instead of defeating the suppressive feminine aspect within himself.

Men who are not mature enough unconsciously perceive women with hostility and/or caution. It seems to them that having won their recognition from women, they should either separate, free themselves, since the woman is unconsciously perceived primarily as a controlling mother, or beat them in competition, if the woman is unconsciously perceived as a sister.

Everything about passive aggression: signs, reasons, help.

A person who suppresses anger and irritation looks for nonverbal ways to express displeasure. The only way to reduce internal tension and at the same time meet the expectations of others is through passive aggression. This kind of compromise between “want” and “should” distinguishes pessimism and inaction.

Main features

Passive aggressiveness in men manifests itself in postponing matters and making decisions. They are extremely dismissive of deadlines and act according to their ideas about time, without caring about the promises they make.

People who tend to be passive aggressive can often see themselves as innocent victims who are being unfairly treated or oppressed.

Another symptom is tricks aimed at gaining everyone's attention. Even if for this others will have to wait for the hero of the occasion who did not appear at the appointed time.

It is noteworthy that this type of personality looks for any excuse for a quarrel with loved ones. So they try to keep their distance and not let you get closer to them.

In women and children this takes the form of fear of responsibility. They long to live their lives on their own terms, without being limited or controlled. Inactivity is often excused as forgetfulness.

Another fear is addiction. To cope with it, a person will try to control and command others.

A person with signs of passive aggression rarely admits his mistakes, even if his guilt is obvious. He will blame those around him, the circumstances and, most surprisingly, demand that the “culprit” be found and punished.

Very often you can notice a quick switch from hostility, disobedience (in children) for repentance. They tend to exaggerate their failures and complain constantly, which creates the impression of a gloomy person, always dissatisfied with life.

Causes of passive aggression

Passive aggressive traits should not be considered mental , but we must admit that this in itself is a problem. This not only has a detrimental effect on the individual, but also causes suffering to others.

The main reason lies in the social or family atmosphere, where it is not customary to express desires and needs, which are perceived as a manifestation of selfishness. Such upbringing on a subconscious level instills the idea that wanting something is unacceptable in principle.

How to help someone with signs of passive aggression

The methods described below are effective, but do not guarantee complete elimination of the complex. Each person is unique, so standard methods may not always give a positive result. In such cases, an individual approach is required specialist.

It is necessary to understand that a passive aggressive person, while expressing aggression, nevertheless tries to protect those around him from himself, so do not provoke his militant spirit.

Avoid taking on a dominant role. This will only increase tension and cause conflict. Instead, lay out the different options and let the person make the choice for themselves.

A passive aggressive person is unwilling to take responsibility and commitment. This needs to be clearly understood. Do not try to provoke situations where the successful outcome of events will depend only on him.

Do not force what he does not accept. Let him live a free life according to his definition of freedom.

A passive aggressive person will cause irritation with his behavior - this is natural. But you can only help with a gentle and calm attitude towards the person and a gradual push towards the formation of a new model of behavior.

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“...The male aggression necessary for survival is nothing more than a unique and natural force. This is a spiritual force and it inevitably evolves...

Why has a man - a spiritual warrior, consciously protecting his beloved woman, protecting the weak, become a rarity?..

The spiritual ignorance of a technocratic society plays a risky game with this powerful and great natural male force. As long as male aggression is mostly an unconscious force and therefore does not have one hundred percent direction, it represents a hellish cauldron, closed with a heavy lid of infantility. The reason for this state of affairs is the absence in Western culture of the necessary initiations-initiations: special initiation rites that could promptly direct the male aggression of a maturing personality in a constructive direction, transforming it into a protective, creative force.

The culture of spiritually developed countries is always rich in initiations. If they are not there, pseudo-initiations are inevitably born - surrogate tests, which are designed to solve the problems of growth and development in their own way, for example, to channel male aggression and use it for inhumane purposes...

...The lack of useful social channels for using natural male aggression leads to the emergence of the so-called passive aggression... Scott Wetzler described the phenomenon of passive aggression in his book How to Live with That Insufferable Man. He called this phenomenon "meek disobedience."

Passive, disguised aggression, according to Wetzler, is the scourge of modern men. “When someone lacks the power and resources to make a direct challenge... resistance manifests itself in a subtle, indirect way... The tragedy of the passive-aggressive man today is that he misinterprets personal relationships as a struggle for power and considers himself powerless... The secret to dating a passive-aggressive man is to correct his misconception and help him feel more powerful,” Wetzler writes.

Wetzler believes that the passive-aggressive defense exists not only in men, but also in women, but it is more common in men. For modern women, an obvious, open form of aggression has become more typical.

Implicit, hidden aggression is expressed in the lack of open initiative, in shifting responsibility to others, in indecision, in creating a fog of uncertainty and ambiguity in relationships, in the frequent use of lies and empty apologies. Passive aggression is a chronic failure to fulfill contracts and promises in time and substance, putting things off from day to day, and strange forgetfulness in fulfilling requests. This is ignoring the expectations of others, devaluing the interlocutor, for example, in the form of crossing out his reality - “You’re making it up,” “You’re doing it wrong,” etc., as well as interrupting, avoiding answering questions, avoiding the topic proposed by the interlocutor. A passive-aggressive man resorts to these techniques out of fear of being dependent, fear of competition and emotional intimacy. “As a result, he is often in a bad mood, portraying himself as the victim and blaming you,” writes Wetzler. In this case, men exhibit hidden hostility towards women, refusal of responsibility for male social functions and distortion of real facts for this purpose.

S. Wetzler identifies a man’s question addressed to his woman, characteristic of passive-aggressive behavior: “Why should I do anything for you?” This is the same as: “Why does a man - I, but not You? Why I should give you a hand, not You to me? Why at a wedding ceremony I should take you in my arms, not You- me? Why I should propose marriage to you, not You to me?"

In life, this type of aggression, due to its implicit nature, is not perceived as aggression; it has not yet been exposed by public consciousness. This is not yet widely discussed, like, for example, the dangers of smoking. Passive aggression thrives as a socially tolerated form of behavior. It is widespread and deeply penetrates into all areas of human relationships, therefore it is especially toxic and destructive for both business and any interpersonal contacts.

“Problems with a passive-aggressive man arise from his...indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility, hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity (a form of self-deprecation). If what he says or does doesn't make sense to you or makes you angry... that's passive aggression.

...The term itself seems paradoxical, and the question arises: how can a person be both passive and aggressive at the same time, and not just one thing? ...A passive-aggressive man... is not passive today and aggressive tomorrow... Rather, a passive-aggressive man is both passive and aggressive. The paradox is that he abandons his aggression when it manifests itself.”

Here are two examples from S. Wetzler’s numerous observations of the manifestations of passive aggression in men: “... He tries to make you doubt yourself... “You were mistaken about our meeting. It is written in my diary for tomorrow, not yesterday. This is exactly why I started a diary. Yes, one o'clock in the afternoon suits me. But maybe I'll have to leave town. Call me if you want to have lunch with me in a few days.” Well, how can you not lose your temper!” Wetzler writes: “One woman told me that her husband painted half the window frames in their bedroom and has been promising to finish the job for two years. When guests ask why the frames are gray and white, she replies: “The phone rang.” For years she has tried to use a sense of humor to suppress her irritation and disappointment, but the unfinished work is always before her eyes.”

Passive aggression is formed in a child accustomed to emotional deprivation, most of whose mental needs were not satisfied... The personality of any person - man or woman - contains both masculine and feminine properties. In every woman there is a hidden masculine principle - Animus, in every man - a hidden feminine principle - Anima. Their internal content is heterogeneous - they consist of parts, certain substructures, each of which performs certain functions in the inner world of a person. It is convenient to denote these parts by representing them as characters. A woman's animus is formed on the foundation of images of her father and other male figures that replace him, real or imaginary. A man’s anima arises from the image of his mother and the images of other women, both real and those arising in his inner world.

The main feature of a passive-aggressive man is his alienation from his own masculinity as a powerful protective force. Growing up, he remains painfully dependent on both his real mother and image mother, formed in his personality. Carrying this maternal image within himself as the only well-functioning defense mechanism, a man looks for the same figure in the women he meets - this is how he childishly strives for security. Such a man strives for women who are “saviors” or “administrators.” This dependence leads the passive-aggressive man to depend on many external objects, including social structures that provide “care.”

A healthy male strategy is that a woman should be conquered through inevitable natural competition with other men. A passive-aggressive man prefers to be conquered, as he is terrified of rejection, battles and defeats. He suffers from a painful dependence on the assessments of others, an obsessive need for acceptance on their part, especially on the part of women. At the same time, he seeks to hide this dependence by rejecting and devaluing women. He may also devalue many things that are significant to him. This is how the desire to gain masculine strength, freedom and independence is distortedly reflected in the behavior of an immature man.

So, a passive-aggressive man is an immature man who has yet to connect with his natural masculine spiritual strength and inner femininity that heals and replenishes masculine strength...

... Any man has natural aggression from the very beginning. A passive-aggressive man in this sense has a kind of internal “bomb”. And if this “bomb” resides in the area of ​​the unconscious, that is, while male aggression is not conscious and its vector is not yet directed towards defense, it, being suppressed (passive) or manifested openly in the form of an explosion, is capable of blindly destroying both the man himself and and the world around him. A mature man differs from a passive-aggressive man in that he is in contact with his natural male aggression and knows how to purposefully use it to protect the feminine and children's worlds, to protect his interests and the interests of those for whom he has taken responsibility.

In Chrétien de Troyes' myth "The Holy Grail" - a unique illustration of the ascent of the masculine principle to the highest stages of maturity - there is a Red Knight. He personifies uninitiated natural male aggression. The Red Knight is dressed in red clothes, even his armor and horse blanket are red. The natural force in the person of the Red Knight is still unbridled and sows evil. The Red Knight openly enjoys his superiority, humiliates and robs until the hero of the myth - Parsifal (meaning "naive fool"), traveling in search of his masculine destiny, defeats him. Robert A. Johnson, analyzing the myth of the “Holy Grail” in his book “He. Deep Aspects of Male Psychology,” notes that every man on the path to his maturity will have win your inner Red Knight. In other words, every man has to convert natural male aggression into a powerful protective function, otherwise the Red Knight will completely take over and make his personality overwhelming everyone and everything.

...Women have no idea what a long and difficult path (a man) must go through from his dear, irreplaceable, caring mother and embark on a path of trials that is completely different from the one she has traversed, where it is no longer possible to use either maternal experience or advice. From this point of view, it can be noted that a girl should try to be like her mother, while a boy should learn to be different from her...

Rough male power, being uninitiated, paradoxically, leads men to self-doubt, isolation and alienation from their own feelings. This alienation leads to a loss of contact with the female part of the personality - with the world of the Soul, where not only feelings live, but also the inspiring and healing powers of his Inner Woman, which are so necessary for any man. Separated from their Soul, men seek contact with it through numerous contacts with real women.

Male maturity is manifested primarily in how a man relates to woman and children. If the need to protect them and take care of them becomes his deepest need, that is, if a man achieves in his development such a fullness of male protective will, which forms a natural for him giving, outgoing flow, we can talk about male maturity. So in the inner world, the mature masculine principle, first of all, protects femininity. Only when protected, femininity (Soul) is able to “spread its wings” and give its protector the divine experience of flight!

...A man who grew up in conditions of a deficiency of male protection and an exaggerated maternal principle has infantile (immature) masculinity, from which he himself and modern society as a whole suffer. And since many men from childhood receive a distorted, surrogate feminine principle, depressive and depressed, on the one hand, and on the other, overloaded with the masculine traits of the mother, such a man would rather win or destroy than protect the woman.

The insecure female part of the male personality turns on hypermaternal functions for its protection. A man whose anima contains an overdeveloped hypermaternal structure suffers from an unconscious obsessive desire to free himself from its influence and reject its controlling essence. He gets stuck at the stage of separation - separation from the parental family. Such stuckness can take not only the form of depression, alcohol or drug addiction, but also look like neurotic nihilism (denial of any values, norms, rules), or results in frequent changes of places of work and residence. A man can unconsciously express this protest through a series of unsuccessful marriages, tirelessly fighting with his wives instead of defeating the suppressive feminine aspect within himself. Men who are not mature enough unconsciously perceive women with hostility and/or caution. It seems to them that, having won their recognition, they should either separate or free themselves from women, since a woman is unconsciously perceived primarily as controlling mother, or beat them in competition if a woman is unconsciously perceived as sister.

The desire to defeat your internal hypermaternal structure, to free yourself from its influence, can become chronic and, reaching the point of neurotic obsession, manifest itself in the need to “revenge” not only on women, but also on the world as a whole.