When men leave families with small children. My husband left me with a small child: how to survive

Listen to how it sounds: “He left me with the child!” The following picture immediately appears: a sobbing wife with a child in her arms tries to hug her husband, and he indifferently throws his family away from him and, leaving, slams the door! I just want to punish the scoundrel right away!

But if you listen to your husband, he has his own version: “I didn’t abandon my child! I left my wife! Immediately the situation changes and many questions arise: why did he leave? What's happened? Who is guilty? How should everyone live now? Well then, let's look for answers to these questions.

There are situations when the expression “husband and child left” is completely inappropriate, although it sounds like a horror story. But in essence, this situation is more scary for men than for “unfortunate” women:

A random sex partner became pregnant. Such a “unexpected” man often happens to rich and famous men in order to jump out of marriage under any pretext. You can read about such surprises in the article.

The man lived together or simply dated a girl, but was not yet ready to get married. And even more so to have children. Conditions were set, there was protection, but allegedly something went wrong, and it was not possible to agree on an abortion. After all, only a woman can control her body.

The man did not know at all about the pregnancy of his random partner, and fate separated them for a long time. And then the woman found the man. He, poor fellow, did not even suspect that he had a child. I myself have already acquired a new family, children, and here it is - a blow from the past: feed, educate, participate in the life of the baby.

It’s disgusting to watch how all the cones fly on the man’s head at this time. What did these ladies expect if there were no promises, no marriage proposals and no father's wishes? There wasn’t even a family, followed by divorce. What did they expect? To the indignation of the crowd? For large alimony payments?

Therefore, if you are “in the ranks” of such women, then there is only one piece of advice: raise it yourself, dear, if you so wanted a child. Did you give life to a person just for your own benefit? Then you should be the first to be condemned for this.

There are different things that happen in families - quarrels, resentments, scandals. But for some reason, some women are able to perceive even a minor disagreement as a global catastrophe. Well, this often happens to young families immediately after the birth of their first child. Mommy is in postpartum depression, daddy is horrified by the baby’s yelling and dirty diapers, and even after hard work. Where is there not to swear?

So it turns out that the spouses threaten each other with divorce, and then daddy runs away from home in his heart for some time. Well, it becomes unbearable for him in such an environment! And he cannot take the child with him. And this is what happens to mommy:

She starts calling all her relatives with tears and hysterics that her husband left her and her child, and the matter smells like a divorce.

She begins to intrigue her husband: calling him with threats, promising to ruin his life if he doesn’t come to his senses.

She throws a tantrum again when her husband finally returns, and she arranges the entire concert in front of the child, scaring him.

Well, this is still forgivable for young “yellow-mouthed” spouses. The most important thing is that such parents have wise and experienced relatives of the older generation. They are the ones who can explain to these bullies how to learn patience and mutual assistance.

If there are no wise relatives or a good psychologist, then this family can really collapse. And the reason is simple: these two rushed to be a full-fledged family. But most often it happens that such quarrels are harbingers of divorce, but so far without a serious separation.

Family life must literally be built - from foundation to roof, brick by brick. And how to do this - you will read in the article. And to avoid troubles in the family, here is another article to help you:. This is in case you have no one to give you wise advice.

When the divorce has already taken place

And yet it happened. He left, the divorce was filed, and according to the court, the child, of course, remained with you. Now let's look at the reasons for divorce. The fact that you have a baby in your arms is another matter, but first you need to find out what prompted you to run away.

You were the initiator

It was simply unbearable to live with him. He didn’t help in any way, on the contrary, his presence weighed you down and even frightened you. He’s kind of nervous, and as soon as he does anything, he immediately starts screaming, or even throws up his hands. He drank from his glass, didn’t want to work, was not at all interested in the child - well, how was it possible to live with that?

If he really is such a bastard, and he divorced you easily, not caring about the child, then it is better to exclude him from your life after the divorce forever. And never demand anything from him - neither for yourself nor for the baby. Even alimony. Why? More on this later.

He was the initiator

No, you didn’t kick him out, he left on his own and filed documents with the court. I explained this reason simply - it’s unbearable to live with you, but the child is not to blame for anything here. He does not refuse child support, he wants to meet the child, but he does not want to live in a family where he is humiliated.

If the reason is your character, then be more careful in the future. By taking revenge on your husband for the divorce, you can break a lot of wood, turning the child against the father and not allowing them to see each other. The consequences will be dire. You will also read about them a little later.

Third party influence

This applies to all those who were able to destroy a family and lead to divorce:

Relatives on both sides. So the son-in-law (or daughter-in-law) didn’t like it, and the relatives begin to plot all sorts of intrigues. The spouses should unite and send everyone to hell. But no, listening to other people’s opinions, they could not withstand the onslaught from the outside. Therefore, you have to live with such evil people at a distance - the farther, the closer.

Gossipers and “well-wishers.” Some non-humans simply cannot live from envy of other people's happiness. What kind of fairy tales they can come up with so that a strong family will be broken. Moreover, all the gossip will definitely reach the innocent spouses. The family is divorced, the gossips are gloating.

For many women, the answer is clear - of course, apply. Why should a child suffer without receiving the same thousand rubles from his father, like a tuft from a black sheep? If he doesn’t pay, we’ll find him through the court, through the bailiffs. Or the property will be taken away. And even if he is a tight-fisted miser, he still needs to rob this nonentity to the last detail.

On the one hand, this is correct. But some women can be so short-sighted. After all, this 1000 ruble bill pulled from his father’s teeth may later negatively affect the child himself when he becomes an adult. And there are countless examples of this.

Earlier, in the chapter on the reasons for divorce, it was already mentioned about cuckoo fathers who did not care about the child from birth. He tyrannized his family, drank, and after the divorce his trace disappeared altogether. He maliciously evaded alimony, no matter what they did to him.

And so, in his old age, he suddenly remembered his children. He himself is weak, and has no one to support him; he doesn’t know how to continue to live. So why not cut off his child support payments? According to the law, it seems that it is necessary if he needs it for health reasons. But will they be awarded?

But this is the rub. If he paid at least a few pennies every month, then his children will support him for life. He maliciously evaded and hid - he doesn’t care what he gets, but the children will be free. Well, if only in conscience they will regret the father as a relative. So is that thousand rubles worth such sacrifices?

In other cases, of course you need to apply for alimony! If the ex-husband does not shy away from anything and pays regularly, then respect to him. Even though 25% of your salary may not seem like much, it is the law. And gifts to a child from the heart are not handouts, as some women believe.

To begin with, let’s imagine the following picture: a woman is standing at the factory entrance with a one-year-old child in her arms, waiting for her ex-husband to return from work. When he comes out, the woman begins to frantically shake the baby and scream that the child is suffering without a father, and he abandoned him as a bastard.

The child bursts into tears, and everyone passing by shames the father. But in all conscience, we need to take the baby away from the mother and kick her soft spot for such a scene. The child screams not out of worry, but because he is hurt and scared from his mother’s hysteria. And mom is raging for her own reasons.

How a child himself might perceive a divorce from his parents:

Up to two years The baby basically needs that person who is constantly next to him. Most often this is the mother. Up to a year, he may not notice his father leaving at all.

From two to five years he may realize that dad is not around, but he still does not understand the seriousness of the divorce. Dad appears some days - everything is fine and everything is fine.

From five to eleven years- this is a difficult period. The child is already aware that mom and dad will not live and may suffer. Especially in adolescence.

Attention! No matter how difficult the relationship between parents may be, this should not worry the delicate child’s psyche. All clarifications of relations between adults should pass over his ears.

The absence of a father before the age of five can be explained by dad’s workload, but not otherwise. And if dad doesn’t appear in his life at all, then there’s no need to focus on him. But when the child already understands the separation of the parents, then everything must be explained to him in simple words, without going into details: it has become difficult for all three of us to live together, but communication with the father is not prohibited.

Undoubtedly! You can prohibit it in three cases:

If he himself does not want these meetings. Here, ban it or don’t ban it, it’s all pointless. He may be hiding himself.

If there is a threat to the life and health of the child. The father is a usurper who beats the baby, and can also get drunk and lose the child.

If he can steal the baby. Because, for example, he wants to take revenge on you. And then look for them all over the world.

That's all, just this! There are no more reasons. If a child reaches out to his dad, and his father reaches out to him, then whether you want it or not, then you have no right to prohibit it. You can give them dates without your presence if you don’t want to see your ex-husband, or you can go out with them. Or give the child away for the whole weekend.

Under no circumstances set conditions or interfere with their meetings! And sew your mouth shut if you decide to say something bad to a child about his father in order to turn him against his dad. Once again, the grievances of adults should not concern the child.

What will happen if you do this? You will most likely make your child hate you in the future. Children have a good memory. They will remember the negative things that were said to them and will compare it with reality - when communicating with dad. But in reality it will be the other way around!

Organize your personal life

The woman who believes that after a divorce she will now live alone with her child, abandoned by the entire universe, is naive. This is not the film “The Blue Lagoon” with a desert island, this is life with all its society.

There are relatives, friends, neighbors - something new is happening every day. If it is possible to periodically leave a child with someone (even with the same dad), then immediately arrange your personal life. Divorce is not the end of the world. It's just a comma in your destiny. And then you “write” it in a new way.

If you are left alone with a child, then do not give him your whole life without reserve, without allowing him to take a step on his own. No one will hang a medal on you for this, but they can reproach you. And not only the child, when he grows up, but also those around him for raising “mimosa in the botanical garden” (there are such poems by S. Mikhalkov).

Finally - an unusual technique

Let's do a thought experiment.

Imagine that you have the superpower to “read” men. Like Sherlock Holmes: you look at a man - and you immediately know everything about him and understand what’s on his mind. You would hardly be reading this article now in search of a solution to your problem - you would not have any problems in your relationship at all.

And who said that this is impossible? Of course, you can’t read other people’s thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.

If you're interested, you can. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 seats specifically for visitors to our site.

Surely you have at least once heard the story of how a man left a woman with a child and went to another. This is a fairly common case that occurs quite often. Perhaps you too have encountered such a situation, and now you cannot understand what exactly your mistake was. Do men really leave women with children more often? Is there any pattern? You will learn about this in this article.

Why are women with children abandoned more often?

1. He doesn't know how to take responsibility for his actions. Unfortunately, the situation when a man is looking for love for one night is quite common, and sometimes a woman does not even realize how seriously a particular person takes her.

It is quite possible that his feelings flared up and quickly passed, and the intimacy led to the birth of a child. At some point, the man realizes that now he must behave like an exemplary father, raise a child and provide for his wife, but he was not ready for this, so he decides to leave. The act of a truly weak person, but sometimes it is impossible to change anything in such a situation.

A man and woman get married and have a child. Normal situation. But for some reason, it suddenly turns out that this “normal situation” turns out to be an unbearable burden - and the husband leaves, leaving his wife with a small child in her arms. What to do? Branded with shame? Try to get him back? Are you proud to pretend that this person was never in your life?

It is important to understand the reasons why he did this.

Reason 1. Fear

A man sometimes cannot admit to himself that he is overcome by fear. He is unbearably afraid to take responsibility. Now he always has to do something: provide for his family, take care of his wife, take care of the child... This burden of responsibility puts pressure on the man, and he prefers to retreat.

And besides, he is haunted by fear of change - he will no longer be able to live the way he used to, everything has changed, it has become so difficult, and the previous life was much easier and more pleasant. He doesn't want to give it up at all. And therefore, running away is an easy way out.

Reason 2. “I can’t cope”

How often can one hear such dialogue!

Why did you leave your family?

I realized that I couldn't cope.

This is a painful blow to male pride. Feeling inadequate, realizing that you can’t cope with a new role is terrible for such a man. True, he most likely forgot to think about how a woman left without her support and protection will now cope.

Reason 3. He is no longer the center of the universe

Before the birth of a child, a man was the main person in his woman’s life. After the birth of a child, everything changes - in first place is now the little person who has just been born. It is he who receives all the attention, and the husband seems to fade into the background. This change is an unpleasant shock to many men. They do not want to put up with second roles, and disappear into the dawn fog, as if they never existed.

Reason 4. Problems with my wife

The previous reason smoothly flows into this one. He gets tired at work, comes home - and there is no rest, but like another job, moreover, to the continuous screams of the heir. And an exhausted, exhausted wife. She needs help, and the man needs rest. A series of mutual reproaches begins.

Besides, a young mother, as a rule, has no time to take care of herself and take care of herself, and there’s nothing to talk about her intimate life - is that something she cares about?

This whole situation puts pressure on the man, and he considers it best to leave the territory.

Reason 5. Mistress

As old as time. If a man cannot get something at home, he will go and get it somewhere else. And then, for example, a pretty colleague appears on the horizon. And the man begins to build a new relationship with another woman. Before he knew it, he left his wife and two children.

Reason 6. “Well-wishers”

How often they say about broken families that their “relatives divorced them.” And indeed, when all sorts of nasty things are whispered into your ears from both sides about your “other half,” you begin to think: maybe this person really isn’t right for you? And generally unworthy? And now the family is already on the verge of divorce, because diligent relatives, friends and colleagues said different things.

How to survive after a divorce without money and with a child

Despair and a feeling of hopelessness are what wives most often experience when they are abandoned with their children. It is not clear how to live further, the ground has disappeared from under our feet, so that, as it seems at that moment, we will never return. It is not true. And the ground will return under your feet, and it will turn out that it is quite possible to live on.

Where to begin? Make a plan. Write down your income and expenses, identify resources, understand what and how much time it takes. Set goals. Some goals will cover the next couple of days, while others may turn out to be a goal for half a lifetime.

Start implementing the plan. Perhaps you will look for a job at home, maybe you will learn a new profession (for example, you have a certain amount of money with which you can afford cutting and sewing courses or take up learning Photoshop on your own), or maybe it turns out that you have you have a dacha that should have been sold long ago and invested in something worthwhile.

Stay busy all the time. This therapy saves you from dark thoughts and the temptation to enter a river for the second time that you don’t need to enter. The work will bear fruit - and now you are no longer a “penniless divorcee”, everything is getting better for you.

In your plan for life there must be a place for activities with the child- so that his mother does not disappear into work, but takes part in his life. To do this, you definitely need to find an internal resource.

And the last thing - take care of your health. It's like on an airplane - first you put the oxygen mask on yourself, and only then on the child. Your health is a matter of your and your child’s well-being. If you are healthy, calm and smiling, there will be much more joy and ups than troubles and downs in your future and in the future of your child.

Realize that a breakup is something that has already happened to you. Now you don't know how to survive a divorce, but believe me, it's not the end of the world. Even if now it seems to you that this is not so. Don’t think that life is over - with the departure of a man who, by the way, did not act in the best way, you get a chance to find something new and beautiful in the future.

Getting over a divorce doesn't take five minutes. It's normal to worry. The most difficult period is considered to be the 2-3 months immediately after the divorce. Psychologists advise not to make any radical decisions at this time. Give yourself time to cool down, calm down and look at things soberly.

It is important that your son or daughter does not suffer from the breakdown of their parents' relationship. No matter how difficult and bad it is, try to control yourself. Children are sensitive to your mood; try to provide them with the maximum psychological comfort that is possible in such a situation.

No matter how trivial it may sound, you need to explain to the child that dad and mom no longer live together, but both continue to love him. Tell this to your child so that your explanation fits within the framework of his understanding of the world. That is, speak to him in a language accessible to his age.

And be sure to explain that what is happening is not his fault. The child’s psychology is such that he, as an egocentric person, subconsciously considers himself guilty. “Mom and dad had a fight because I broke a vase.” Remove from him the burden of responsibility for adult relationships, for which he, in fact, should not bear responsibility.

You are hurt, you are offended, you are angry. You experience a whole range of emotions towards your ex-husband, and all of them are mostly negative. But turning a child against his father is a bad idea. After all, he loves him. Moreover, he feels like a person who has half mom and half dad. By saying bad things about a child's father, even if he deserves it, you are essentially turning the child against some significant part of himself. As a result, he may receive such psychological trauma that will ruin your child’s life for many years.

If the ex-husband does not renounce paternity, is not dangerous to the child, helps and wants to see him - let them do it. Allow visits or meetings on neutral territory. After all, a good Sunday dad is better than no dad at all.

You have the difficult task of raising a child without a father. You will work a lot, you will be tired, you will have to do a lot yourself. In this busy schedule there is no place for entertainment, and a single mother often “drives herself”, sooner or later coming to nervous, and sometimes physical, exhaustion.

To prevent this from happening, allow yourself a break. Sometimes an extra half hour of sleep is more important than a sparklingly polished stove, and a ten-minute walk in the park is more beneficial than perfectly ironed creases on your trousers. Allow yourself a “reward” at least once a day - get pleasure from some little thing. Three minutes of dancing to the radio. Drink tea quietly for five minutes. With candy. You can also smear your hands with cream that smells delicious. Or wear your favorite sweater. These little joys make a big difference. So don’t forget about them.

Conclusion

There are probably women in the world who simply get over a divorce from a man who leaves his wife and child, and move on with their lives. Everyone else is having a hard time. But guess what? You can’t give up - after all, you have you and your child. It may not be easy, but you will definitely make it.

For women who find themselves in a situation where their husband left them alone with their child, and don’t know how to get over the breakup, there is a place where they can get help and support. Contact the site's experts - and they will certainly support you and tell you how best to proceed. Free for new clients!

Women by nature are designed in such a way that they carry their experiences into the external environment. It is important for them to throw out their grief, their troubles. That’s why the most popular discussions on women’s Internet forums are about divorces and separations. Often women complain that their husband left them with their child and ask for advice on how to continue living. “Girlfriends” on forums give a variety of advice - from breaking windows in her ex-husband’s house to crawling behind him on her knees. Each believes that her method is the most effective, that if the husband does not return, then at least the wife will have a feeling of satisfaction and revenge for the insult.

Why do men leave families and leave children?

The reasons for husbands leaving families where joint children have already been born are actually not on the surface, which we are accustomed to calling everyday life. The reasons are much deeper - in the social structure and society’s attitude towards fatherhood.

The right to paternity is formally enshrined in the Russian constitution and the constitutions of other developed and developing countries. The rights of parents are considered equal. But is this really so?

A woman can give birth to a child from any man she likes. Even if a man takes every precaution to prevent his sexual partner from becoming pregnant, a woman has many ways to circumvent a man's reluctance to become a father. A woman gives birth to a child, which a man may not even know about, establish paternity in court and demand alimony from the man to support the unwanted child. At the same time, our society is set up in such a way that if a man does not marry the woman who gave birth to his child, he is condemned. No one is interested in the fact that at the moment of intimacy, a woman was interested in a man only as a sexual object, and not as a future partner for life together and not as a mother of future children.

A woman may not give birth to a child from her man by terminating her pregnancy. In this case, only her opinion and desire are taken into account. A man’s desire to become the father of an unborn child is of no interest to either the pregnant woman who has decided to have an abortion or the doctor performing the operation. The rights of an unborn child and the rights of a failed father are not protected by law and morality and are not mentioned at all. It turns out that having children is an exclusively female matter, but responsibility for a woman’s decision to give birth falls on the man.

Women have long used children as a “leash” for a man. Someone once suggested that a man can be “tied” to a child, but no one can still logically explain this. And not such an explanation, because it is impossible to “tie” an independent adult man with anything. It is solely his own desire that keeps him close to a woman.

The disdainful attitude of the wife, mother, mother-in-law and other relatives towards the father’s attempts to care for the baby turns him away from his offspring for a long time. In fact, if they always formally “slap hands”, point out minor mistakes and shortcomings, criticize every action, then soon the young dad will lose any desire to somehow participate in the life of the baby - he still won’t do well, and the critics will receive a year in advance.

This is why the father-child relationship in our society is so shaky and unstable. We have gotten rid of the vicious patriarchal model with the ability to dispose of a child as property, but have not offered a replacement. Women raise their sons in such a way that they grow up weak-willed and infantile, at first they cannot control their desires, and then they do not want to be responsible for their actions. Daughters are raised either as princesses, to whom everyone owes money because they decorate a man’s life with their presence and give birth to children, or as feminists opposed to nepotism and men, trying to solve all problems on their own, including raising children on their own, excluding the participation of men.

What to do if the husband abandoned not only his wife, but also his child?

First of all, there is no need to take revenge and try to ruin your husband’s life. You will probably have to live with him later, so why unnecessary conflicts? Surely after the news of his departure you want to cry? Well, good health. Women's tears cleanse the soul and calm the nervous system, unless, of course, they turn into hysterics.

After spiritual cleansing with tears, you need to stop dying and falling apart. A husband leaving the family is a nuisance. But not grief. Therefore, there is no need to grieve. Here's what you should really do:

• Calm down. If necessary, then with the help of herbal teas, yoga, light sedatives after consultation with a doctor. Without a normal mental attitude, it is impossible to think constructively and act correctly.
• Don't forget about the child. It is no easier for him now than for an abandoned mother, even if he is still too young. A child needs a calm, balanced, kind mother, and not a tear-stained, nervous and frayed aunt with a dull look and shaking hands. The best way to unwind is to spend time with your baby, bake a pie together, make dumplings, ride a carousel or go on a picnic.
• Don't turn the child against the father. You should never - even if your husband is wrong a hundred thousand times - tell your children about their father's love affairs, about his losses at cards and casinos, about his drunken antics, if the children did not witness it. Father and mother are a support for any person, even in adulthood. If you look at the published materials of psychologists who work with adults who are depressed, it will become clear that unpleasant news about parents unsettled 30-40-year-old people, caused feelings of disappointment, bitterness, contributed to the formation of complexes and a decrease in self-esteem. What then can we say about small children with fragile psyches who believe in fairy tales and that dad is the smartest and strongest, and mom is the most beautiful and kind.
• Try to make friends with your husband again. Well, or at least establish a relationship with him regarding a common child. All children were once promised to go to the zoo, the circus, ride a boat, or go to the forest for a picnic. It's time to remember what you promised and fulfill it together with your husband. If he is stubborn and does not want to meet with his ex-wife, then you should give him the child and invite him to spend time together. A loving father, after a great day spent with his children, will probably have doubts about whether he did the right thing by leaving the family and his children?
• Give your husband the children at least for the weekend. This will allow him to remember that no one has canceled his father’s rights and responsibilities and nothing has changed for him in this regard.

Women most often face financial difficulties after their husband leaves. If the child is an infant, then it is impossible to go to work with him. Working at home is also extremely difficult, since the baby takes up all the mother’s time, and if he is not the only child in the family, then the woman often does not have time even for a leisurely meal or beauty treatments at home. If this is exactly the situation, you don’t need to be shy about turning to your husband for help. In the end, a child under 18 years of age, and a mother until the child reaches three years of age, according to family law, have the right to receive maintenance from the father and spouse. If he does not voluntarily fulfill this duty, then the court will force him to do so.

Should I bring my husband back?

Our society believes that a child needs a father, but rarely takes into account whether a particular child needs such a father who packed his things, slammed the door and left his wife and child, or even kicked them out of their home.

There is no need to even try to get your husband back if he:

• Abuses alcohol or takes narcotic, toxic, psychotropic and similar substances;
• Plays gambling;
• Raised his hand against his wife and/or abuses his child;
• He regularly cheats on his wife and does not consider it necessary to hide it;
• Does not work and is not going to work;
• Commits criminal acts against anyone.