How to politely refuse help. "Yes

Quite often it happens that people have to do something that they don’t want to do at all, and all because they simply could not refuse a request from one of their relatives, friends, or colleagues in time. Is it possible to save yourself from performing unpleasant tasks and how to learn to refuse people? In reality, this is not so difficult to do, the main thing is to listen to the recommendations of experienced psychologists.

Experts say that those who constantly agree to help others to the detriment of their own interests sooner or later face problems such as headaches, stress, depression, and dissatisfaction with life. Is it worth exposing yourself to such danger or is it better to try to understand how to correctly and tactfully refuse a person who asks?

First of all, you need to determine whether a friend, relative or colleague truly needs help. Perhaps he simply wants to shift the fulfillment of duties that are unpleasant to him onto someone else’s shoulders. If we are talking about a task that the person asking can perfectly cope with himself, spending a little more effort and time, you just need to rid yourself of the feeling of guilt.

As a rule, people who ask for a favor are those who have a high degree of responsibility for everything that happens and are distinguished by perfectionism (the desire to see everything through to the end). Therefore, you need to understand for yourself: it is impossible to do everything for others, and no one is to blame for this except those who failed to properly plan the time and energy to solve their affairs. So, the first “secret” of how to competently refuse a person’s request is to decide for yourself that you do not owe anything to anyone, and to put your interests first, exclusively.

Ability to handle different forms of refusal

There are several simple ways that can help on how to refuse a person culturally and without offending him. The most banal, but at the same time the most effective, is to refer to your own employment, especially if this corresponds to reality. In some cases, an acquaintance or colleague may go further and ask for a favor “for the future,” that is, when you have free time. Experts recommend not giving immediate consent, but warning: it is possible that after finishing the first case, you will have a second, third, and so on.

If the person asking is particularly persistent, you can set a condition for him, for example: “I help you with this, and you do this for me, because otherwise I simply won’t be able to find the time to help you.” This is called “properly killing two birds with one stone.” An acquaintance receives what he asked for; you do not lose anything, and, most importantly, warm relations remain between you.

Refusing does not mean offending

In some cases, you can say a firm “no” without excuses or explanations - when a request is made by an unfamiliar or not very close person. In such situations, even apologizing is not necessary, especially if we are talking about some burdensome or unpleasant things. Tactless individuals may begin to ask to explain the reason for the refusal, but they do this completely unreasonably: you are an adult and should not be accountable to strangers who are not even your friends or relatives. As a last resort, the answer “I can’t help you due to personal circumstances” is acceptable, without detailed explanations.

When someone close to you asks for a favor, of course, it is more difficult to answer the request negatively, but even here there are several options for how to refuse a loved one without offending him. For example, you can say that you simply do not understand the question that is being asked to you, or that you are afraid of solving the problem poorly or incorrectly, because you do not have enough knowledge, experience, or competence. Well-mannered people will never impose a complex matter and will try to turn to someone else who is better versed in the subject.

The main thing is not to give in to persuasion

Sometimes the person asking tries to persuade him to agree in every possible way - through persuasion, entreaties and even blackmail. Once you follow a lead, you will forever open a “loophole” that will be used by unscrupulous acquaintances. With such people you need to behave decisively, and not be afraid to offend them with a refusal: they, in turn, do not think at all about your feelings, and about what they can do to you that is unpleasant.

Psychologists even highlight the point that a request can correctly say a lot about a person: about his character, principles, rules of life. Perhaps a rude request will become a kind of “litmus test” that will make you think about whether you need to continue communicating with this individual.

Refuse...temporarily

Of course, not all requests should be refused; It is important to distinguish between the empty whims of others and truly important requests. In some situations, it is difficult to immediately determine how complex and time-consuming the task will be, and whether it is feasible at all. Experts recommend not to agree instantly, but to take time to think, that is, refuse the person, but temporarily. It is enough to state that you now have more important things to do, and only then, in a calm and peaceful atmosphere, think through all the details of the request and make the right decision.

If it turns out to be quite simple, you can meet halfway, but in the case when it comes to an unpleasant or too difficult issue, you can again culturally refer to being busy or directly declare your reluctance to help, since this will take too much time and effort, so necessary for solving your own issues.

Video response on the topic “How to refuse and not become an enemy” from the “Success” program

Partial "no"

Learning to refuse people without offending them seems difficult at first, but over time, the ability to culturally say a reasoned and firm “no” can become part of your character, freeing up time for more pleasant activities - walks with friends, activities with children, meetings with loved ones. For those who cannot instantly transform from a universal “helper” into a person capable of tactfully refusing, experts recommend learning to do this gradually.

For example, when asked by a neighbor to walk her dog, there are three acceptable responses for “beginners”:

• only on certain days of the week
• only in good weather
• just no more than 15 minutes

On the one hand, you agreed to help, on the other, you took into account your interests and chose the most acceptable conditions for yourself.

What about "yes"?

It is possible and necessary to provide services to others! Just don’t “put everyone on your neck” who wants to receive free and high-quality help. You must always put your own desires and priorities first, and even in cases where someone you know was offended by being refused, this does not mean that you are a bad person. Rather, it will mean that a colleague or friend communicated with you solely for his own benefit. Value your personal time, it is an irreplaceable resource!

One of the most common difficulties is having to turn people down. And although situations often arise at work in which, due to your professional responsibilities, you simply cannot say “no,” other circumstances will arise from day to day that provide you with a certain freedom of choice. How to exercise your right to say “no” and correctly formulate a refusal?

Think about it this way: by not saying “no” at the right time, you will put the other person's needs before your own. Is this what you really want? There are many situations at work when your needs are no less important, and in some circumstances even more important than the needs of your colleagues. Remember how often your colleagues refused you. And you calmly and without irritation accepted this answer. So why worry about someone being upset if you behave in the same way?

The real problem is that saying “yes” all the time can easily become a habit, and changing a ingrained behavior pattern is really difficult. Remember your colleagues. Can you guess what to expect from each of them? Probably yes. Similarly, your colleagues, having become accustomed to your dependability, will most likely begin to turn to you with so many requests that you simply cannot fulfill them. Thus, the habit of constantly agreeing to requests at work will lead you to overwhelm, because you take on more than you can do or what you really should do. This leads to stress, frustration, hostility, conflict and mistakes, and it only gets worse over time.

So, the ability to say no when you feel like it is necessary is an important skill to master. You will probably have situations where you want to help someone, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Remember: it means respecting your needs and rights as much as the rights of others, and agreeing to compromise when necessary.

Take things gradually and don't try to do everything at once. Try one new skill and hone it until you get it right. Be prepared for the fact that not everything will work out right away. You want to learn new skills, and there are always ups and downs in the process of learning something new.

Many people don’t like to say “no,” believing that the only way to do it is outright refusal. This “no” may seem rude and aggressive. And this is usually not the impression you want to make at work. You strive to establish good relationships with colleagues, but you will inevitably have to refuse someone for your own sake - your health and well-being. This means you must be able to say no, but in a way that shows respect for the other person's needs. There are different ways to refuse, depending on the situation. Here are three main options.

Direct refusal- the most uncompromising method, and it is rarely suitable for use at work. It is most often resorted to when someone's rights are violated. In such cases, you can loudly and firmly add: “Can’t you hear, I said no.”

Please provide additional information or promise "some other time"- an opportunity for discussion, while refusal remains among the possible options.

Thoughtful "no"- the most delicate way, because you show that you have listened to your interlocutor.

Below I will explain in detail what each of these options is, but the choice will depend on the situation, your attitude towards it and who is making the request, because this could be your mentor, your direct manager, a colleague or a team member who you really care about. want to help.

Don’t try to radically and suddenly change your behavior. This is especially true for refusals, as you may shock colleagues who weren't expecting the leopard to suddenly change its color. It is much better to start small, train hard and change gradually.

9 ways to say no

Refusing correctly is a real art. It is especially difficult to say “no” to those on whom your job, career, and income depend. How to make sure that refusal not only does not damage relationships at work, but also strengthens them?

Logistics specialist Margarita Krylova suffers from her own inability to say “no”: “Even at school, everyone copied from me. I constantly remained on duty or carried out instructions from the class teacher.”

Now Margarita is being exploited at work. If you need to go out on a day off, call her. For negotiations with quarrelsome clients - she too. In addition, she covers up colleagues who are late for work, trains newcomers and answers calls in the absence of the office manager. “I silently curse both my superiors and my colleagues, but I’m afraid to say “no” out loud. After all, I have such a good reputation. Both my superiors and my colleagues appreciate me,” Ms. Krylova justifies herself and continues to be torn to pieces.

To be or not to be

To understand which requests are worth fulfilling and which to categorically veto, you need to answer (first of all, to yourself) several questions.

The first question is: “who needs this?” If the work of the entire company depends on whether the request is fulfilled or not, it is definitely worth fulfilling. Even if it's not your responsibility. In particular, this applies to situations where a company has a chance to get an important client, win a tender, or, on the contrary, risks losing a large amount of money. Management, as a rule, does not forget those who did not let us down in difficult times.

Question two: “Can I refuse someone who asks?” In some companies, requests from management are not discussed. Although in this case it is not clear why they are called requests.

Question three: “What will I get by fulfilling the request?” / “What will I lose by not fulfilling the request?” As already mentioned, a person who is ready to meet others halfway receives a lot of good things because of his reliability - gratitude, trust and, most importantly, the opportunity to voice a counter-request. And, on the contrary, by harshly and categorically refusing others, a person loses a good attitude towards himself. If the employee doesn’t get any of the above “carrots” from the applicant (or doesn’t need them), he can safely refuse.

And the fourth question, the answer to which can cancel out all the previous ones: “what will I lose by fulfilling the request?” If the quality of fulfilling one’s own responsibilities, personal money, health, family or freedom is at stake, it is worth finding the correct way to refuse.

Psychologists identify two main mistakes of those who refuse: an overly veiled “no” and an unreasoned refusal.

In the first case, a misunderstanding may arise, and the person asking will decide that he has been answered with consent. The best way to refuse a request is to honestly say “I won’t do it.” So that the person asking does not have any illusions or false hopes.

For particularly sensitive persons, it is also worthwhile to provide the reason for your refusal. Explain that this is not personal, but solely a desire to do a good job. So if you do the work of others, who will do yours?

An unreasoned refusal gives the applicant the impression that he is being refused just like that. And this can lead to conflict. If the person asking is the boss, the emphasis in the argument should be on the good of the company. This not only smooths out the refusal, but also characterizes the “refuser” as a professional.

If a colleague makes a request, it is better to honestly state the reason for the refusal. Of course, if it is compelling enough and there is no reason to hide it (for example, we are not talking about something deeply personal or about third parties). In some cases, it is safer to shift responsibility for the refusal to someone else (“the boss overloaded me with work”). And even better, the circumstances (“tomorrow I won’t be able to replace you - I won’t be in town”). At the same time, it would not be amiss to lament this matter, so that the person asking is left with no doubt that he is being refused not of his own free will.

“I would love to, but...”

One of the win-win options, if the requester is the boss, is to show your work plan for the near future and invite the boss to independently determine at the expense of which the request will be fulfilled. If this technique does not work, suggest to the manager the candidates to whom this can be delegated.

There is a general method called "terry formalism". Within the framework of this method, instructions from superiors are accepted and issued only in writing and with a signature: yes, I will fulfill it, but please draw up an appropriate order. In this case, bosses prefer to give the task to someone else rather than bother themselves with drawing up such pieces of paper. True, it is better to apply this method in large and bureaucratic structures.

Don't refuse, Mr. Chief

Not only subordinates who are pestered by their bosses face inconvenient requests, but also managers who are approached by employees. Is it worth refusing in this case?

If a subordinate comes with a delicate question or a serious problem, it means that he is asking not the manager personally to take part in his affairs, but the company in which they both work. In such a situation, it is better to meet the requester halfway and get an extremely loyal employee. If a manager, for one reason or another, cannot fulfill a subordinate’s request, you can use the “it’s not up to me” tactic. In this case, the boss does not refuse, but tells the ward that he must consult with his superiors. And after some time, he sadly reports that “he himself would have agreed with pleasure, but his superiors disagreed.”

In any case, it is advisable for the boss to avoid conflict situations and, moreover, refuse politely. Especially if a valuable specialist comes with a request. Even if in the end he has to hear a refusal, it is better to voice it after compelling arguments and several laudatory phrases: “We value you very much,” “Your contribution to the company’s work is significant”...

Finally - universal advice. No matter who and under what circumstances you have to refuse, first you should put yourself in the place of the person asking and look at the situation from his bell tower. In this case, even a categorical “no” will sound as polite and inoffensive as possible.

The main mistakes that “refuseniks” make:

• 
  They refuse too aggressively
• 
  They rush to say “no” instead of preparing the person asking for a refusal.
• 
  They don’t give reasons for refusal
• 
  They don't offer an alternative
• 
  The refusal is too veiled

Acceptable Methods of Opting Out

• 
  Honestly state the reason for refusal

  « Unfortunately, I won’t be able to do this because...”

• 
  Suggest an alternative

  “Today I have absolutely no time, but I think I can fulfill your request tomorrow.”

• 
  Complain about the lack of knowledge/skills/competence/authority necessary to fulfill the request

  “It is unlikely that the company will get the desired result if I, a third-class engineer, are the translator at the negotiations,” “According to the job description, I do not have the authority to perform these functions”

• 
  Shift responsibility for refusal to a third party/circumstances

  “I would love to, but my immediate supervisor does not approve of this,” “I would be glad to get off vacation earlier, but the ticket office doesn’t want to change my tickets.”

TOTAL: Before voicing a refusal, you should think about whether it would be better to comply with the request. If the decision is made, the refusal must be reasoned, polite, but categorical.

Useful tips

Saying no to another person is always difficult, and many of us take on obligations that we would like to avoid.

Sometimes we we agree out of politeness, but sometimes we simply don’t know how to refuse a person.

Human nature is such that we want to be liked. b We want to be kind and pleasant to other people.

In many cases, not being able to say no can become a problem because,that we forget about ourselves and our needs, while at the same time trying not to hurt someone else's feelings.

If you're afraid to say no most of the time, you're doing yourself a disservice. It is important for you to set your priorities. By agreeing to everything, you risk simply burning out.

So how to refuse a person without offending him? Here are some tips, how to do it politely and tactfully.

How to learn to refuse people

1. Use the word "No."

Use " No", "Not this time", but not " I don't think so", "I'm not sure", "Maybe next time". The word “No” has incredible power. Use it if you are absolutely and definitely sure that there can be no other answer. And you don’t need to apologize for your answer. Practice saying the word “No” until you feel comfortable, pronouncing it.

2. Use decisive but polite options.

I appreciate your time, but no thanks.

Thanks for thinking of me, but my plate is already full.

No thanks!

Not today, thanks.

Not for me, thanks.

I'm afraid I can't.

I'm not that interested in yoga/hard rock/computer games, but thanks for asking.

I don't want to.

I think I'll refuse.

3. Don'tbe cunning.

This goes for family, friends, and even your boss. You don't have to come up with some elaborate ploy all the time - just say you don't want to. If you don't want to go to an event because you've had a rough week and would rather stay home and watch TV, say so. You shouldn't invent a dying grandmother to make your excuse more acceptable.

4. Don't keep explaining.

In some cases it is better not to go into details. If you make too many excuses, it will appear that you are lying, or it will allow the person asking you to find ways around it and get you to agree.

5. Don't be afraid to say it twice.

Some people don't respect other people's boundaries or are used to the person giving in if asked again. Don't give in just because someone is too persistent. Smile politely and say “No” again, even more firmly than the first time.

6. If necessary, say “because.”

Research has shown that the word "because" makes people agree with you, even if the reason is completely absurd. Instead of saying, "Sorry, I won't be able to make the appointment," try to give a reason to soften the refusal.

7. Smile and shake your head.

You can resort to this before leaving. This works when people on the streets are handing out leaflets or trying to get you to sign something.

8. Be relentless.

How to refuse a request

16. Don't delay.

There is no point in making someone wait for an answer if you know the answer will be no. Delaying a response only makes the situation worse. Don't say "I'll think about it" if you don't intend to.

17. You can change your answer.

Just because you agreed once doesn't mean you have to always do it.

18. Repeat this often.

The devil is not as scary as he is painted. The more you practice, the less scary it becomes. Start saying no to everything that doesn't add any value to your life.

19. What a pity!

When you say, "Sorry, I can't," while it softens your message and makes it polite, it sounds rather vague. It's better to say" What a pity, I would like to help, but I have already made an appointment with.... I wish you good luck".

20. Desire to please.

We often agree to things that aren't of primary importance because we don't want people to think badly of us. However, some people will still think badly of us, no matter how polite you are. So stop worrying about what other people will think and finally say “No.”

21. Get ahead of the request.

When you learn to say no, you will begin to proactively say “No” before the request comes up. If you think someone you know is going to invite you to their wedding, let them know you're broke.

22. Avoid those who constantly ask for things.

If you know someone who constantly asks for money without ever paying it back, avoid them, especially when you know they are going through such a period.

23. White lies.

Of course, most of the time you need to tell the truth, but sometimes you have to be creative with your answer. For example, if you know that your grandmother will try to persuade you to eat her pies, tell her that the doctor has forbidden you to eat flour unless you want to offend her. If grandma is very persistent, go back to tip number 2.

24. Not now.

You should only use this answer if you know for sure that you will consider this request later. For example, you could say that you will look into the matter when you return in a week. If the request is not urgent, do not drop everything, but say that you will take the job as soon as you complete your project.

How to refuse beautifully and competently

25. It's not about you, it's about me.

Use this phrase if you feel that the idea/person/activity is better suited to someone else, but that someone is not you. You can also say that it doesn't suit you.

26. It's not about me, it's about you.

Turn that phrase around and don't be afraid to say a firm "No" if you feel confident about it. For example, if you're a vegetarian and don't want to try "a little" of your aunt's meat, say, " Thanks, but you know I'm a vegetarian and would never try this"Draw the line when necessary, and people will respect your choice.

27. Show empathy .

Sometimes all it takes is empathy for the other person. For example, " I know it's unpleasant, but I can't, sorry".

28. You don't have to be nice all the time.

Do you need permission to refuse because you don't want to? Consider it given to you.

29. State your discomfort.

If a friend asks you to borrow money, say something like: " I don't like borrowing money, sorry".

How to refuse a job

30. I would like to help you.

Sometimes you need to be softer. " I'd like to help you with a project, but I'm swamped with work this week.".

31. Thanks, but no.

Sometimes, that's all that needs to be said. Or you can say the above phrase to soften the answer. Thus, you thank the person for contacting you, tactfully refusing him.

32. Use facial expressions and gestures.

Shake your head, raise your eyebrows, and sometimes roll your eyes. Use your body language to demonstrate that you mean business, even when you refuse politely.

33. Buy time.

Use this as a last resort, otherwise you risk being inundated with requests later. You're just postponing the inevitable, but if it helps you, you can say: " Let me think about it", "I'll check my schedule and tell you".

34. I'm flattered, but no, thank you.

Sometimes you need to be grateful that a person has asked you for something. For example, you were offered a promotion at work, but you didn’t want it.

35. I really shouldn't.

This answer is suitable for times when you would like to say "Yes", but feel that you should say no. For example, when you receive an unexpected gift. When you say this, the person will most likely respond so that you accept it without any doubt.

36. No way in the world!

This phrase should be used with caution, and perhaps only with friends.

37. I said "No."

This works with children or pushy consultants. Again, you need to be polite but firm.

38. This is not the best option.

This is a gentle way of saying “No” when, for example, someone asks you “Does this neon dress suit me?” Instead of responding harshly, say that this is not the best color and that you should try on a blue dress.

39. Mmm, no (accompanied by laughter)

Use this phrase carefully, for example, in cases where someone is asking you to work for free or is trying to insult you.

40. I know this is not the answer you were hoping for.

It is important to acknowledge the other person's feelings, and this response will help soften the rejection. If you know that the person is expecting something from you that you cannot do, say “No” and say this phrase.

How to tactfully refuse