Jokes about the tram. Jokes about the tram

Odessa tram, crush. A man tries to punch a ticket, but he can’t get into the composter. The Odessa woman standing between him and the composter is indignant:
- Man! You've been lying on me for half an hour and haven't even inserted it once! !
- What will I do if it’s wrinkled?!
Stop. The tram stops.
The whole tram in unison:
- Man! Pop it while it lasts!!!

A drunk man hugged a lamppost at a bus stop. Suitable other:
- What are you doing here?
- Yes, I’m waiting for the tram.
- Look, they won’t let you on the tram with this new thing.

A man runs after a moving tram from a stop and yells at the top of his lungs:
- Citizens, please delay the tram! I'm late for work!
Passengers knock on the driver's cabin, the tram slows down. A man jumps on the bandwagon and says loudly:
- Prepare your travel documents!

Today I saw a funny picture:
A man gets on the tram, looks around, frowns thoughtfully, then slaps himself on the forehead and says: “Ugh, that’s a sheep!”
He comes out, goes to a car nearby, gets behind the wheel and drives away.
The tram did not lie down, but it brought a smile to many))

A husband and wife lived on the first floor. My husband went on a business trip. His wife decided to surprise him: she bought him a wardrobe. I brought my purchase home, but can’t assemble it. She called a neighbor for help. A neighbor came and assembled the cabinet, then a tram passed and the cabinet fell apart. The neighbor put it together again - same story. Completely exhausted, he tells her:
- You stand outside, and I’ll climb into the closet and when the tram passes, I’ll look at which side it’s falling apart.
The neighbor climbed into the closet, but there was no tram. Then suddenly the husband arrives and immediately goes into the closet:
- What are you doing here?
- Listen man, you won’t believe it - I’m waiting for the tram!

Dad to daughter:
- Guess the riddle: ding-ding, meow-meow?
- The tram ran over the cat!
- Right! And this one: ding-ding, woof-woof?
- The tram ran over the dog!
- No, it’s mom who’s returned from work!

Another tram flies up, a drunken man in plasticine falls halfway out of the half-opened door, looks around the stop with dull eyes and says: “.... for fuck’s sake, it’s already one in the morning!!”
Someone's hand jerks him back, the doors slam shut, the tram disappears.
After a minute's pause, someone from the crowd says: “So this is what it is, a cuckoo clock...”

Depression? Get into the bathroom and put tights on your head. Tie the legs of the tights with clotheslines. Move slowly in the bathroom. YOU ARE A TROLLEYBUS! If you put on skis, you are a tram. And if you put on skis and pour water into the bathtub, you are a water bus, and if you drop a hairdryer turned on into a bathtub of water, you are an electric train, and if you turn off the lights and put on a headlamp, then you are a subway. And if you add kerosene to the water, you get a plane, but if a hairdryer remains in the water, that’s it, scribe, you’re a rocket.

Today I mixed it up again and got on the tram to work, instead of throwing myself under it.

Dad, why is this tram called a high-speed tram?
- Because, son, he has a dedicated line...

An unmanned tram will be launched in Moscow. But there will still be a person in the cabin to run out and move the switches on the rails with a crowbar.

Crowded Odessa tram:
- Woman, where are you going?!
- It's not me! This really bothers me!

Darling, where are you???

Darling, where are you???
- Darling, I’m in a car, a tram is chasing me and I don’t know where to go!
- Get off the rails and turn on the navigator!
- I won’t turn it on!!! I had a fight with him!

Darling, where are you???
- Darling, I’m in a car: and a tram is chasing me: I don’t know where to go!
- Get off the rails and turn on the navigator:
- I won’t turn it on!!! I had a fight with him!

Digital technologies are taking over our city. You can now pay with a contactless card on the tram. The only pity is that the tram was produced in 1976.

Everyone, come, we have an accident! Come out! The tram won't go any further... Hey, you! Why the hell did you break the glass?
“It says right there: “In case of an accident, break it with a hammer.”

A man gets on the tram with a bag of eggs. The conductor yells:
- Man with balls, pay the fare!
The man responded:
- Woman with pussy, I have a travel card!

Master:
- The last bus will leave soon!
Guests (in chorus):
- Nothing, nothing, the first tram will go soon!!!

Well, I bought my wife a car, but she is very afraid to drive around the city, only on the “Home-Work-Home” route.
“We should have bought her a tram, it also has an advantage on the road.”

And the fly is also a helicopter, but without a gearbox, and a dumpling is crawling along the wall, and all its knees are covered in cucumbers. It is wooden like glass. He's as hairy as a tram, and this is a love song. And don't forget her.

Little Wolf asks his father:
- Dad, what is money?
The father thought:
- Money, son, is a car, cognac and beautiful women.
Son:
- And when there is no money?
- Tram, tea and your mother.

Professor at a lecture:
- Students, don’t hesitate to ask. There are no stupid questions, only stupid answers.
- Professor, if I stand on the tram rails with both feet and grab the conductive line with my hands, will I go like a tram?

Odessa. A lady gets on the tram. There are no seats. The lady asks: “Are there really no gentlemen in Odessa?” In response: “There are gentlemen, but there are no places.”

A man gets hit by a tram and gets his head cut off. She rolls to the side of the road, sees that the body is rushing back and forth along the road, tries to feel for the head and does not understand what to do.
The head starts screaming:
- I'm here! I'm here!
Then he falls silent and sadly:
- Oh... and I’m screaming - my ears are on me...

In connection with the dancing exchange rates, people began to stir and, just in case, began to spend their savings. Someone finally took the apartment, stopping petty digging and sorting. Someone changed the car. One friend bought herself two mink coats.
Now I’m sitting here and I don’t know, it seems like I need to invest my pennies too, but where? Should I buy myself a tram pass for a year?

The guy has two diamond badges on the lapel of his jacket. He gets on the tram all so proud, and there the grandmother asks him.
- Oh, honey, what is this?
- This, grandma, is a badge that means higher education.
- Oh, why do you have two of them?
- And this, grandma, means two higher educations.
- Why are you so stupid that one thing wasn’t enough for you?

Tram, rush hour. There are 2 guys, 17-18 years old, traveling. After a couple of stops, the controller (a grandmother of about 50) approaches them and
begins to urgently demand tickets. One guy, without thinking twice, asks her:
- Don’t you recognize me?
The controller frantically tries to remember, but to no avail. The guy continues to insist:
- Well, take a better look!
This continues for about three minutes and after that he gives, in my opinion, a brilliant phrase:
- I'm a bunny!!!

INCIDENT AT SCHOOL
The teacher comes to work, her eyes are dull, and in the morning she writes a letter of resignation. All her colleagues are shocked! The director calls her to his office and starts asking her, like, what happened, you are one of the best teachers at our school, etc. and so on. The teacher doesn’t hesitate, she says, I’m leaving and that’s it!
They split it only closer to lunch.
Here's her story:
- In the morning I get on the tram, there are a lot of people, as always. I look up and say: “Hello, sit down!”

The cutest women's habits through the eyes of men:
He watches a TV series and falls asleep, but as soon as he switches to football, he immediately wakes up and shouts: “I’m watching!”
Having put on tights, he jumps up and tries to lift himself up in them, like Baron Munchausen.
It can waste a lot of time and money on nail extensions, only to then break one and cry all evening.
He chats on the phone for hours - even when you unplug it from the socket, it will still crackle for another forty minutes.
What time do you need to leave the house in order to be, for example, at a party at 18-30, if you know that the journey from home to guests takes 45 minutes! ? Her answer is at 18-30!
He changes clothes at least a couple more times after he says: “Well, that’s it, I’m ready!”
Dulls knives very quickly.
Constantly lags behind when you run to the tram.
She always makes plans for the weekend fifteen minutes before you go fishing.
When you are already running away because you are late, she asks you to quickly clean her boots.
How can you go to a store to buy bread and spend seven hundred rubles? ! And at the same time forget to buy bread.
You just bought the Sport Express, you just got ready to go to the toilet with it, and they’ve already peeled fish or beets on it!
Constantly hides men's socks in the washing machine.
He starts laughing, even though you haven't finished telling the joke yet. And when you finished telling the story, he asks: “So what?” or: “What is he doing?”
The hairdryer buzzes during football.
Or during a match he sits down with the phrase: “Well, talk to me, okay?”
And during “House-2” - never.
In general, when football is shown, she has two things to do: one to the right of the TV, the other to the left.
And when our team lost, he would definitely ask in the morning how they played. Moreover, he will add: “Oh, I told you that they would lose.”
Almost always asks for football or news to be turned down. Apparently, she has trouble hearing the sound of pots rattling or the sound of water in the sink.
Doesn't lift the toilet seat behind him.
Stupid habit of remembering all birthdays! And also - when and what clothes were bought from her. Still normal boots!
Yes, boots. And boots, and boots, and boots. Here is the light like a wedge

Among the civilian population, tram drivers are the best prepared for an unexpected zombie apocalypse. Everyone always has a crowbar with them.

An unmanned tram will be launched in Moscow. But there will still be a person in the cabin to run out and move the switches on the rails with a crowbar.

Odessa. Good old Soviet times...
Tram travel is paid by composting paper tickets.
As always, two portly Odessa women are literally squeezed into a crowded tram from different platforms.
They talk loudly across the entire tram:
- Dog! I did take two coupons!
- Me too!..
A minute of silence for the entire tram...
- Dog! I sold mine!..
- And me too!..

I wanted to tell a long-standing story that happened to my father. It happened in the mid-80s, shortly before the adoption of “Measures to overcome drunkenness and alcoholism.” It can't be called funny, sad or instructive. Most likely, everyone will decide for themselves which side to look at it from and which genre to classify it into.
My father stayed at the plant for an hour and a half and returned home by tram. The lion's mass of workers had already left, and therefore the salon was quite free, but all the seats were occupied. At one of the stops, a guy of rather large build stumbled into the carriage, who had obviously “had enough” too much and therefore did not think about his actions and their consequences. He looked around for some time, as if assessing the surroundings and people. And since most of the workers were already at home, the majority of the tram passengers were shop workers, vocational school students, in a word, the less powerful part of the population. Without thinking twice, he walked up to the woman sitting opposite the door, slapped her across the face, threw her out of the seat, sending a bouquet of idiomatic expressions after her. My father could not tolerate such antics towards anyone. He approached the troublemaker of the passengers and, pulling him out of the seat, sharply threw him towards the doors and pressed him against them. We had to wait no more than a minute for the next stop. The doors opened and the father threw the rowdy out to the bus stop. He fell into the snow; a junior police lieutenant stood nearby with two vigilantes. They immediately stopped the tram, called their father and began to find out what had happened. Detina argued that he was a victim, thrown out of the carriage for no reason. The father told everything as it happened. The representative of law and order asked the lady whether she had really become the target of an attack by a rowdy, but she suddenly, to everyone’s surprise, said that she knew nothing and no one had slapped her. Several people were openly outraged by her behavior. The junior lieutenant decided to take his father, the kid and the lady to the department so as not to delay the tram. Two intelligent-looking men and one woman volunteered to be witnesses. And the whole company of 9 people went to the nearest police station. There, a senior lieutenant and a senior sergeant joined the “debriefing”. Despite eyewitness accounts, the lady continued to stick to her line: “I don’t know anything, no one beat me or threw me out of the seat!”
The police officers recorded all the witness statements, gave the rowdy a 15-day sentence, and shook the father’s hand. But they, like the witnesses, were surprised by the lady’s behavior. She refused to sign anything and the senior lieutenant, tired of fruitless attempts to somehow dissuade her, said that she could go, but warned that next time she might not wait for help in a similar situation. Two intelligent men also openly expressed displeasure with the woman’s behavior. The senior sergeant said: “Citizen, you behaved boorishly, because you actually justified the antisocial behavior of that subject.” The lady calmly turned around and headed towards the exit. The female witness tapped her on the shoulder and when she turned her head towards her, she quietly but clearly said to her face: “What a bitch you are!” And intelligent men and police officers nodded their heads in unison.

Donald Trump called African countries a "stinking hole." Yes, he strongly dislikes the previous US president.

A drunk stumbles onto the tram, swearing loudly and pushing passengers aside.
An intelligent-looking man addresses the conductor:
- Tell me, please, is it permissible for people who are very drunk to ride a tram?
- To tell the truth, this is not allowed. But if you remain silent and sit quietly, no one will notice you.

Tsilya Markovna, I beg you! Close the curtains when changing clothes!
- And what?
- Otherwise! There is a traffic jam on Preobrazhenskaya, trams cannot go, there are so many people interested in you!

A nursing home on wheels is actively operating in our city.
From the outside it looks like a tram. From the inside too.

Odessa flavor.
Trams and trolleybuses often do not have a conductor (apparently there is simply no money for their salaries) - it is inconvenient and creepy, everyone has to get out through the front and pay the driver.
But then you have to open all the doors to let people in - then the “hares” jump out through them.
Tired of this, the driver declares to the entire cabin:
“So, dear passengers, let’s go out the front door and take our conscience out of our pockets!”

Fell asleep on the tram. I wake up and realize that I put my hands under my head and anointed myself on the man’s lap. I felt ashamed, I didn’t know how to get up and get out unnoticed.
Apparently, the man saw that I woke up and said with a smile:
- Yes, you are sleeping, sleeping, I passed my stop about ten minutes ago.

Today I was riding a tram and a middle-aged woman tapped me on the shoulder. I pulled out my earphone and then she said to me: “Do you see the girl on the right has a tattoo of hieroglyphs on her neck? So, I taught Chinese for 15 years and I can’t understand why she wrote DO NOT FREEZE AGAIN on her neck.” Definitely shocked...

I’m riding on a tram, the term is 8 months, some lady crawls in and immediately says that young people today will never give up their seat. The old woman sitting opposite me shamed her: they say, look who you’re driving away. The lady is reluctant to admit she is wrong and grumbles:
- Just think, they used to give birth in the steppe!
The old woman looked at her carefully and affectionately:
- Well, since you gave birth in the steppe, then you’ll stand on the tram.

CAR DRIVERS

On Christmas Eve, while going through my mother's old letters, I remembered a story she told me from time to time.

I was my mother's only son. She got married late and doctors forbade her to give birth. Mom did not listen to the doctors, at her own risk she waited until 6 months and only then appeared at the antenatal clinic for the first time.
I was a welcome child: my grandparents, dad and even my stepsister doted on me, and my mother simply blew away specks of dust from her only son!
Mom started working very early and before work she had to take me to the Dubki kindergarten, located not far from the Timiryazev Academy. To get to work on time, my mother rode the first buses and trams, which, as a rule, were driven by the same drivers. My mother and I got off the tram, she took me to the gate of the kindergarten, handed me over to the teacher, ran to the stop and... waited for the next tram.
After several delays, she was warned about her dismissal, and since we, like everyone else, lived very modestly and could not live on my father’s salary alone, my mother, reluctantly, came up with a solution: to let me off alone, a three-year-old baby, at a bus stop in the hope that that I can walk from the tram to the kindergarten gate on my own.

We got it right the first time, although those seconds were the longest and most terrible of her life. She rushed around the half-empty tram to see if I had entered the gate or was still crawling, wrapped in a fur coat with a scarf, felt boots and a hat.
After some time, my mother suddenly noticed that the tram began to leave the stop very slowly and pick up speed only when I was hiding behind the gate of the kindergarten. This went on for three years while I was in kindergarten. Mom could not, and did not try, to find an explanation for such a strange pattern. The main thing is that her heart was calm for me.

Everything became clear only a few years later, when I started going to school. My mother and I went to her work and suddenly the carriage driver called out to me: “Hello, baby!” You have become so grown up! Do you remember how your mother and I walked you to kindergarten...?

Many years have passed, but every time I pass by the “Dubki” stop, I remember this little episode of my life and my heart becomes a little warmer from the kindness of this woman, who every day, absolutely selflessly, did one small good deed, simply delaying the whole tram a little , for the sake of the peace of mind of a complete stranger!

Caring scoundrel
So, the gangster beginning of the 90s. I was probably 16 years old at the time. I’ll say right away that this age is characterized by a heightened sense of justice, and that’s what the story is about.

The four of us were standing at a tram stop: me, some guy from my neighborhood (I only knew his name back then - Alyokha) and a couple of other strangers. Those guys (not yet hooligan punks, but no longer home boys), as is often the case with poorly educated youth, decided to make fun of the weak (so as not to waste time, probably) and began to Alyosha, which was then called “pressing”, and in human language - to humiliate and mock.

With my heightened sense of justice, I stood up for Alyokha. Assessing the height, short haircut and leather jacket of the new enemy, the guys cooled down towards Alekha, fortunately the tram pulled up. This would be the end of the story, but no, it’s the beginning.

We boarded the tram and sat down somewhere. Let's go. Number 5, it goes almost through the whole of Tula, it’s a long drive. In general, I lost sight of the guys.

And when Alyokha and I got off at our stop (and the guys drove on), he runs up to me, hugs me so carefully by the shoulders, looks into my eyes and behind my back and says: “You probably didn’t see it while you were driving, They burned your jacket with a lighter. Let me see if they burned badly? Otherwise I was worried about you all the way...”

Years have passed, but I can’t understand what kind of nature you have to have to watch meanness being done before your eyes and remain silent, so as not to in any way, even the most indirect, harm your loved one.

It's hot... The tram slows down sharply, I grab the handrail and I'm on a long flight around the entire cabin with a pole at the ready and a fucking face. It was a summer resident with his burden, which looked like a handrail. In response to my wild apologies and the return of the pole, he smiled: “There were already four of them!”

Remember this?
- Look how I can!
- Bullshit! Look how it should be done!

St. March 8 under repair. Tram rails, not yet flush with the asphalt, stick out and interfere with the movement of cars, creating a traffic jam in one direction: from the center. And then everything completely came to a standstill, which added even more traffic jam to the despondency, because it was impossible to go either forward, or backward, or to the left across the rails. I was especially irritated by cars passing towards me and trams knocking back and forth at the junctions. Gelendvagen standing in front gets tired and decides to look for other ways. He turns the steering wheel to the left and carefully rolls his front wheels over the rails at a 45-degree angle. Deciding that this is all, he turns the steering wheel and gives it more gas. The wheels spin on the rails, glide and the car slowly lands exactly perpendicular to the rails. Two young guys got out of the car, not feeling very offended, but even having fun. We smiled too. The evening ceased to be languid. They're all worth it.
They called somewhere, and after 5-10 minutes brother-2 carefully drove up along the gravel. Two guys came out. An approaching tram clanked behind me. The second Gelendvagen said:
- So why the hell did you start turning the steering wheel so early? OK. Now I’ll show you how to do it and pull you out.
And turning the steering wheel, he carefully moved the front pair over the rail, then through the second. After which, having crossed the rail in the opposite direction, I rested my rear wheel on the rail... And gave the gas. It was smoothly turned around and landed perpendicular to the rails on the oncoming road surface. I can’t say that they didn’t laugh. They laughed. Trams were already calling in both directions.
Guys! Thank you! I'm not mocking, I'm sincere. You remember, everyone was laughing around there in the traffic jam. Especially when she suddenly went. I’m sure you also left a little later, I didn’t see you anymore. I drove by recently: the asphalt was level with the rails. You are not there.)))

It happened a long time ago in St. Petersburg. I’m standing on the street at 4-5 in the morning, catching a car. No one. And then I see something shining in the headlights, but what exactly is not visible. The tram comes closer and stops. The front door opens, drove:
- Where are you going?
- Before Engels.
- How fast?
- Three.
-Are there any rails there?
- Eat.
- Go!

INCIDENT AT SCHOOL
The teacher comes to work, her eyes are dull, and in the morning she writes a letter of resignation. All her colleagues are shocked! The director calls her to his office and starts asking her, like, what happened, you are one of the best teachers at our school, etc. and so on. The teacher doesn’t hesitate, she says, I’m leaving and that’s it!
They split it only closer to lunch.
Here's her story:
- In the morning I get on the tram, there are a lot of people, as always. I look up and say: “Hello, sit down!”

Cunning "Hare"
Inspired by the story of the 500-euro note (9 September). I don’t know how true it is, I heard it from a teacher in elementary school. When she noticed that the children were tired, she sometimes interrupted the lesson with short stories like this. May your memory be blessed, Kapitalina Georgievna.

Pre-war times. Odessa tram. The fare costs 10 kopecks, tickets are issued by the conductor. And somehow a rascal appeared in the city, who, upon entering the tram, offered the conductor a hundred-ruble bill. The conductor, of course, did not have change for such an amount, and the passenger continued to insist: “no change - your problem, I have no other money, they must accept USSR banknotes everywhere, I can’t go on foot.” And the conductor allowed him to travel without a ticket. This went on for quite a long time; probably the whole city knew about the cunning “hare” (as he was called). (my note: it’s strange that, constantly rubbing his hundred-ruble note openly, he sooner or later did not run into a gop-stop) One fine day he gets on the tram, approaches the conductor, hoping to ride for free, hands the conductor a familiar piece of paper. The conductor takes the offered bill, tears it off and issues a ticket, and drags out a sealed bank bag with ten-kopeck coins from under his seat. He opens it, takes ten kopecks from there for himself, and offers to take the bag to the former owner of the hundred-ruble note: “here’s your change, exactly 99 rubles, 90 kopecks.” The bank checked it, but you can recalculate it. What do you mean you won't take it? Take it, take it, the funds of the USSR Bank are valid throughout the entire territory of the Union, everything is legal. Or I’ll fine you 5 rubles for traveling without a ticket, we’ve already passed one stop. Oh, by the way, the bag is the property of the bank, don’t forget to return it soon, otherwise you’ll be charged with theft of state property.” Amid the laughter of passengers, “Take it, man, these destyunchiki will be enough for you to pay for the tram for a long time,” the owner of the bag of small coins gave up.

The further fate of the main character is unknown, at this point the teacher finished the story and proposed a problem: calculate how many days with this money he can buy tickets, provided that he travels twice a day (the catch was that the result is not an integer number, but division We haven’t gone through “in a column” with fractions yet).

Interesting arithmetic: St. Petersburg transport workers purchased trams for 50 million each. The cabin capacity is 50 people, which gives 1 million per passenger. The new Lexus CT can be rented for 1.25 lemons, seating 5 people minus the driver. 300 thousand per passenger. Conclusion: using Lexuses instead of trams would be 3 times cheaper!

I'm on a tram. A guy of about fifteen, dressed in a modern way, sits next to him, a phone in his hands, headphones in his ears. Two old women came in, and let’s gossip about how many young people have gotten divorced, they listen to rock music on headphones, watch porn on their phones, and forget to give up seats to pensioners.
The guy couldn't stand it. He gave way to one of the pensioners. He pulled out the headphones from the phone, and Bach began to sound from the speaker. Then he turned the phone to the screens of the old women, and hieroglyphs appeared before their eyes.
- What is this, honey? - asked one of the grandmothers.
“Yes,” the teenager answered modestly, “I’m learning Japanese little by little.”
Both old women's jaws dropped, and the rest of the way they mumbled that there were still talented and cultured people, and that the whole country still rests on such youth.

From the words of a friend.

So, one of these days I’m going by tram. At one of the stops, a lady-like dandelion with two huge trunks bursts into the carriage. Well, she asked me to help drag them into the carriage. I agreed. Picked it up. I remembered the past. During times of lack of wages, we stole pig iron from the metallurgical plant. So they probably weighed less. I dragged the trunks into the carriage. I thought everything, did a good deed and did it well. It was not clear how the granny managed to reach the carriage with such weight. But it turned out that this is not all. Granny and I got off, as it turned out, at the same stop, and grandma extracted a promise from me to help on the way out. We've arrived. I can stand it. I have difficulty going down the steps. And then I get a strong kick from behind and, accompanied by an old man’s grumbling: “Come on, hurry up,” I fly out of the car and stretch out on the asphalt. The granny, cheerfully stomping along my back, picked up the trunks and, muttering “Well, thank you...”, rushed off into the distance. And I, looking at two fingers of my right hand turned in an unnatural direction, stomped to the nearby ambulance station, from where, after providing first aid, I was sent to the emergency room to apply a plaster cast. Do you think this is the end of the story? No, the fun has begun. I went to work to report a domestic injury. Told this true story. It cannot be said that the authorities were amazed. It was shocked by the size of my imagination. I was told that no one had ever composed such an “excuse” before me and that this masterpiece deserved to be brought to even higher authorities. Do you think that's all? No, I still had to tell this story to my wife. She was even more categorical than her superiors. I was saved from the looming specter of dismissal and divorce by a colleague who, as it turned out, was traveling home on the same tram.

At the request of workers. The whole truth about the runaway tram.

In that fateful year of 2000, I rented an office near the Shosse Entuziastov metro station. I wrote programs together with Borisych. Somehow it became a habit that at the end of the working day Leshy would drop by, we would grab a couple of beers and slowly make our way through Izmailovsky Park to the metro station of the same name, from where we would go home. But that Friday, in the middle of the park, there was a barbecue with wine pouring from a barrel. Wine for beer is a miracle, yeah.

How long or how short did it take us to come across a tram ring with a dead end, where route 43 then turned around. There was a carriage at a dead end...

The idea to steal it came, of course, to Borisych. I wouldn't have thought of it. Precedent is a great thing.

To our surprise, the back door of the carriage opened with the first kick. The lock hung only on the front: inertia of thinking? The thrifty Leshy opened the cabin door with a Swiss knife and positioned himself in the middle of the cabin. Borisych slowly deflated and hovered somewhere behind. I began to study the vehicle controls, tightly painted with beige oil. The lack of a steering wheel was very annoying. Finally, the Main Switch was revealed above the back of my head and the tram began to hum with a revived transformer. I pressed the gas pedal? - and immediately drove into a wooden beam that ended the dead end. This is understandable. (The sleeping Borisych first sounded his turnip against the handrail of the front seat, then, without waking up, slid back into his seat. The goblin neighed.) I had to look for a reverse gear. It turns out that it is activated by the reverse handle to the left of the chair. I began to carefully back up and came across the furious dzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzznnn of the 32nd tram flying past the ring. The knock of Borisychev's head gave me an idea of ​​the quality of the tram brakes: the car, as it turned out, stops instantly.

We got out of the ring, facing towards Semenovskaya. Well, let's go there. Having looked around and not finding any interference, I pressed my slipper to the floor and, not without pleasure, was convinced that the tram could start with a slip, only instead of squealing and smoke there were sparks and roar.

In front of the Ring Road bridge, I regularly stopped at a red light, then quietly climbed under the bridge, pulling the rope that lowers the pantograph towards me: the bridge is low, I’ve seen tram drivers do this before. But I pulled it a little: the “box” folded and clicked into place. The counselor was surprised; the tram stopped. We are standing under the bridge, blocking the road. Everyone is screaming and beeping, I’m in a panic. Finally, a small rope was found that releases the latch. And my foot was on the pedal... As we rushed... to the red light... poor Borisych.

We got to Semenovskaya almost without incident, except for the fact that at stops we had to slow down behind the trams ahead, while people tried to storm the temptingly empty carriage. We stubbornly did not open the doors, and it was for the best.

At the metro it dawned on us that simply abandoning the tram on the tracks and hiding would be somehow unethical, since the ability of the trams to overtake and turn around leaves much to be desired, and several cars were already following us. And we moved on...

And then there was an arrow. Turn left to Lefortovo - or right to Preobrazhenka. I started looking for the button to move the arrow, while (in the best traditions of the Mice from the cartoon about Leopold the Cat's car) I managed to open and close all the doors, blink all the lights, turn on the stove, scare off the traffic cop with a bell and wave the windshield wipers goodbye to him. But the needle did not switch, and we went to Preobrazhenka. To my surprise, people at the stops continued to try to come to us, despite the fact that the 43rd does not go there, and Leshy waved a bottle and, bristling his mustache, said terribly, “Shoo!”

On Preobrazhenka, the arrow told us to go straight, so our path lay in Ostankino, beyond the 11th... By that time, I had become fairly accustomed to the controls and, having let the tram in front go further away, I then caught up with it with style, howling and roaring. It was fun. True, at the cemetery, at a rather sharp turn, Borisych fell out of his seat. I asked Leshy to cover him and put the jacket under his head.

On Rostokinsky, I accidentally cut off a screwed-up truck, which then followed us to Galushkin, cursing with the horn. At that time I did not yet know all the expressive abilities of a car signal. Learned a lot.

There was a small traffic jam near Argunovskaya: at the traffic light across Mira Avenue, I missed my “leader” and several crowded trams from Medvedkovo rubbed in between us, dragging like snails. At the very ring (freedom!!!) in Ostankino, finally losing patience (however, we ride for a long time, and there are no toilets on the tram), I decided on a thoughtless trick: I quietly pushed the slow predecessor with the coupling. By coincidence, at the same moment I pressed the switch with my elbow and, completely confused, successfully pushed the tram full of people into a dead end, the same as the one from where we started the voyage. After which Leshiy and I prompted Borisych and gave a fight...

I ran and looked around, and the driver of the tram I had locked stood and stood at his cabin with a pry bar in his hand, stood and stood...

As far as I remember, this senseless act of hooliganism was not recorded anywhere, except for a short note in the “basement” of some party, which I cut out and carefully kept until I lost it during the next move.

Jokes about the Odessa tram1

Jokes about Odessa transport

Jewish Odessa jokes

Odessa jokes. Part 6

Odessa jokes about the tram

Jewish jokes from Odessa

Jokes Odessa

Announcement on the Odessa tram:

- Citizens! Don't scratch the seats - there are no diamonds there!

On the Odessa tram:
- Madam, your foot is across my throat...

Announcement on the Odessa tram:
“YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING SO MUCH AS YOU BOUGHT THE TICKET...”

In order to eliminate the Odessa tram “hares,” Abramovich hung posters in all cars:
“So that you get there the way you took the ticket”

There is a crush on the Odessa tram:
- Man! I'm already all under you! Do it, so that I remember this route pleasantly...

At the station:
- Citizens leaving! We weigh ourselves in memory of Odessa...

I drove into an oncoming lane with one-way traffic in Odessa. The driver leans out of the taxi window and shouts angrily:
- Why are you raising my sugar?!

A passenger train approaches the platform in Odessa. Aunt Sonya stands in the vestibule at the open door and shouts:
- Porter! Have me first!

On the Odessa tram:
-Where are you going, intellectual? I also put on my glasses!
- How do you know that I am an intellectual? Maybe I'm as boorish as you?

On the Odessa tram:
- Girl, give it to the conductor for a ticket!
- So he rides for free!

Odessa. Tram.
- Madam! You still stink of fish!
- What are you, what are you! The rib is completely fresh! This is from me...

— Tell me, where is the train to Odessa?
- Already gone.
- Hello! And where to?

On the Odessa tram:

- Mom, tell your son not to imitate me!

- Izya, stop acting like an idiot immediately!

There is a steamer in the port of Odessa with the inscription on board: “To Israel.” The Jews go to it for a day or two. On the third day, an elderly Jew came up and asked the sailor:
- Is it dimensionless?
- No, ours is bottomless.

Odessa tram. Peak hour.
— Is there a doctor in the carriage?! - a lady of Balzac’s age screams heart-rendingly from the front platform...
- I am a doctor! What's happened?! — comes a man’s voice from the back platform.
- Young man, would you like to meet my daughter?

Tourist: - Tell me, if I go to the right there will be a train station?
Odessa resident: - He will be there even if you don’t go there

A visitor asks a taxi driver in Odessa:

- Well, how do you live here?

He answers:

- You know, we used to live well. Now it’s even better. But we really want it to be good again

Odessa. The tram approaches the station square and stops a few hundred meters short of the station building.
A visitor with a suitcase is rushing around in doubt on the tram. Finally, he turns to the Odessa resident sitting next to him:
- Tell me, is this a train station?
- No, it’s a tram

Two fat Jewish women climb into a crowded tram, one from the front platform, the other from the back.
“Sarah,” one shouts, “do you have anything to sit on?”
- Eat!
- Why are you standing there?
- There are no places!

A visitor gets off the trolleybus and asks the first person he meets:
- Where is your famous Deribasovskaya?
- So you had to go through four more stops!
- And in the trolleybus they told me to get off now...
- Excuse me, were you standing or sitting?

— How much does it cost to get to Deribasovskaya?
- Five rubles.
- What if I go with Izya?
- With Izy, without Izy... Five rubles.
- Izya, do you hear? I told you you're worthless!

An Odessa resident came to Moscow. A passing taxi splashed him with mud. He stands and is indignant:
- In Odessa, if a taxi driver accidentally throws mud at you, he will certainly stop, apologize, take you to his home, wash and clean your clothes, treat you to wine...
— And has this often happened to you? - they ask him.
— Not once with me, but with my twenty-year-old daughter — more than once!

See other jokes about the Odessa tram

See all Odessa jokes

See the complete Anthology of Jewish Jokes

One day, after a long lecture, a professor says to his students:
- Ask your questions, because there are no stupid questions, but there are
only stupid answers!
Student question:
- But tell me, please, if I stand with my feet on the rails and take
with my hands on the wires, then I will go like a tram???
Since then, the professor has never extracted questions from students!

A drunk pilot is riding on a tram. Barely standing on his feet, he grabbed the handrail. Suddenly a pedestrian crosses the path of the tram. The driver presses the bell: tsing-tsing-tsing.
The drunk man comes to life and loudly reports:
- I am on board 253, passed the near drive, altitude 80, speed 290.

On the Odessa tram:

Odessa. Tram station.
The lady managed to jump on the tram, but her heavily drunk husband did not.
The conductor shouts to the driver:
- Syoma, even if you lived like this, stop the remedy! The lady forgot her hand luggage!

Dad, why is this tram called a high-speed tram?
- Because, son, he has a dedicated line.

The head of the tram depot requested money from the budget to install satellite navigators in trams.

Two men on a tram:
- Man, put the door back in place!
- And this is mine!
- Where from the tram?
- I don’t know, I came in through the window!

It's hot... The tram slows down sharply, I grab the handrail and I'm on a long flight around the entire cabin with a pole at the ready and a fucking face. It was a summer resident with his burden, which looked like a handrail. In response to my wild apologies and the return of the pole, he smiled: “There were already four of them!”

On the Odessa tram:

Remember this?
- Look how I can!
- Bullshit! Look how it should be done!

On the Odessa tram:
- Girl, can I meet you?
- Oh, man, how do I know if you can or can’t? Ask my mom!

Caring scoundrel

On the Odessa tram No. 5 on Komsomolskaya, before the Gradonachalnitskaya stop, the conductor loudly announces:
- The next stop is “Gradonachalnitskaya” - the last chance to get to the bus station.

On the Odessa tram:
- Man, buy a ticket! Or I'll make you feel ashamed all the way.

Fell asleep on the tram. I wake up and realize that I put my hands under my head and anointed myself on the man’s lap. I felt ashamed, I didn’t know how to get up and get out unnoticed.
Apparently, the man saw that I woke up and said with a smile:
- Yes, you are sleeping, sleeping, I passed my stop about ten minutes ago.

Roll call on the Odessa tram:
- Sonya, have you come in, Sonya?!
- She just walked in! She's already stepped on my foot three times!

CAR DRIVERS

It happened a long time ago in St. Petersburg. I’m standing on the street at 4-5 in the morning, catching a car. No one. And then I see something shining in the headlights, but what exactly is not visible. The tram comes closer and stops. The front door opens, drove:
- Where are you going?
- Before Engels.
- How fast?
- Three.
-Are there any rails there?
- Eat.
- Go!

Tsilya Markovna, I beg you! Close the curtains when changing clothes!
- And what?
- Otherwise! There is a traffic jam on Preobrazhenskaya, trams cannot go, there are so many people interested in you!

A nursing home on wheels is actively operating in our city.
From the outside it looks like a tram. From the inside too.

Odessa flavor.
Trams and trolleybuses often do not have a conductor (apparently there is simply no money for their salaries) - it is inconvenient and creepy, everyone has to get out through the front and pay the driver.
But then you have to open all the doors to let people in - then the “hares” jump out through them.
Tired of this, the driver declares to the entire cabin:
“So, dear passengers, let’s go out the front door and take our conscience out of our pockets!”

Caring scoundrel
So, the gangster beginning of the 90s. I was probably 16 years old at the time. I’ll say right away that this age is characterized by a heightened sense of justice, and that’s what the story is about.

The four of us were standing at a tram stop: me, some guy from my neighborhood (I only knew his name back then - Alyokha) and a couple of other strangers. Those guys (not yet hooligan punks, but no longer home boys), as is often the case with poorly educated youth, decided to make fun of the weak (so as not to waste time, probably) and began to Alyosha, which was then called “pressing”, and in human language - to humiliate and mock.

With my heightened sense of justice, I stood up for Alyokha. Assessing the height, short haircut and leather jacket of the new enemy, the guys cooled down towards Alekha, fortunately the tram pulled up. This would be the end of the story, but no, it’s the beginning.

We boarded the tram and sat down somewhere. Let's go. Number 5, it goes almost through the whole of Tula, it’s a long drive. In general, I lost sight of the guys.

And when Alyokha and I got off at our stop (and the guys drove on), he runs up to me, hugs me so carefully by the shoulders, looks into my eyes and behind my back and says: “You probably didn’t see it while you were driving, They burned your jacket with a lighter. Let me see if they burned badly? Otherwise I was worried about you all the way...”

Years have passed, but I can’t understand what kind of nature you have to have to watch meanness being done before your eyes and remain silent, so as not to in any way, even the most indirect, harm your loved one.

On the Odessa tram:
- Darling, could you give me a seat...
- Why on earth is this?! You're younger than me!
- Woman, I beg you! I just look better!..

Remember this?
- Look how I can!
- Bullshit! Look how it should be done!

St. March 8 under repair. Tram rails, not yet flush with the asphalt, stick out and interfere with the movement of cars, creating a traffic jam in one direction: from the center. And then everything completely came to a standstill, which added even more traffic jam to the despondency, because it was impossible to go either forward, or backward, or to the left across the rails. I was especially irritated by cars passing towards me and trams knocking back and forth at the junctions. Gelendvagen standing in front gets tired and decides to look for other ways. He turns the steering wheel to the left and carefully rolls his front wheels over the rails at a 45-degree angle. Deciding that this is all, he turns the steering wheel and gives it more gas. The wheels spin on the rails, glide and the car slowly lands exactly perpendicular to the rails. Two young guys got out of the car, not feeling very offended, but even having fun. We smiled too. The evening ceased to be languid. They're all worth it.
They called somewhere, and after 5-10 minutes brother-2 carefully drove up along the gravel. Two guys came out. An approaching tram clanked behind me. The second Gelendvagen said:
- So why the hell did you start turning the steering wheel so early? OK. Now I’ll show you how to do it and pull you out.
And turning the steering wheel, he carefully moved the front pair over the rail, then through the second. After which, having crossed the rail in the opposite direction, I rested my rear wheel on the rail... And gave the gas. It was smoothly turned around and landed perpendicular to the rails on the oncoming road surface. I can’t say that they didn’t laugh. They laughed. Trams were already calling in both directions.
Guys! Thank you! I'm not mocking, I'm sincere. You remember, everyone was laughing around there in the traffic jam. Especially when she suddenly went. I’m sure you also left a little later, I didn’t see you anymore. I drove by recently: the asphalt was level with the rails. You are not there.)))

CAR DRIVERS

On Christmas Eve, while going through my mother's old letters, I remembered a story she told me from time to time.

I was my mother's only son. She got married late and doctors forbade her to give birth. Mom did not listen to the doctors, at her own risk she waited until 6 months and only then appeared at the antenatal clinic for the first time.
I was a welcome child: my grandparents, dad and even my stepsister doted on me, and my mother simply blew away specks of dust from her only son!
Mom started working very early and before work she had to take me to the Dubki kindergarten, located not far from the Timiryazev Academy. To get to work on time, my mother rode the first buses and trams, which, as a rule, were driven by the same drivers. My mother and I got off the tram, she took me to the gate of the kindergarten, handed me over to the teacher, ran to the stop and... waited for the next tram.
After several delays, she was warned about her dismissal, and since we, like everyone else, lived very modestly and could not live on my father’s salary alone, my mother, reluctantly, came up with a solution: to let me off alone, a three-year-old baby, at a bus stop in the hope that that I can walk from the tram to the kindergarten gate on my own.

We got it right the first time, although those seconds were the longest and most terrible of her life. She rushed around the half-empty tram to see if I had entered the gate or was still crawling, wrapped in a fur coat with a scarf, felt boots and a hat.
After some time, my mother suddenly noticed that the tram began to leave the stop very slowly and pick up speed only when I was hiding behind the gate of the kindergarten. This went on for three years while I was in kindergarten. Mom could not, and did not try, to find an explanation for such a strange pattern. The main thing is that her heart was calm for me.

Everything became clear only a few years later, when I started going to school. My mother and I went to her work and suddenly the carriage driver called out to me: “Hello, baby!” You have become so grown up! Do you remember how your mother and I walked you to kindergarten...?

Many years have passed, but every time I pass by the “Dubki” stop, I remember this little episode of my life and my heart becomes a little warmer from the kindness of this woman, who every day, absolutely selflessly, did one small good deed, simply delaying the whole tram a little , for the sake of the peace of mind of a complete stranger!

Today I was riding a tram and a middle-aged woman tapped me on the shoulder. I pulled out my earphone and then she said to me: “Do you see the girl on the right has a tattoo of hieroglyphs on her neck? So, I taught Chinese for 15 years and I can’t understand why she wrote DO NOT FREEZE AGAIN on her neck.” Definitely shocked...

We have all ridden on public transport at least once in our lives. And many people know that traveling during rush hour can be worse than hell. Sleep-deprived, angry people travel in crowded transport at work. A complete nightmare. Of course, it can’t do without insults and, accordingly, jokes. And already myself funny jokes about transport end up on humor sites.

Funny jokes about the bus

Why do we have so many funny jokes about transport? Because this is a problem that is unlikely to be solved in the near future. At least in our country. We have only one funny jokes about the bus reminiscent of real stories that happened to us just yesterday. This is how new jokes about the bus appear. A man drove to work, and in the evening he composed several funny jokes about the bus, recalling the events that happened to him that day.

Ridiculous jokes about a trolleybus

What is the difference between a trolleybus ride and a bus ride? Yes, almost nothing. But sometimes a woman can sit at the control panel. This becomes the object of ridicule in laughable jokes about the trolleybus. However, not the kindest people ride on the bus on horns in the morning either. That's why, funny jokes about a trolleybus They can also tell us ordinary transport stories with a lot of humor and funny characters.

Fresh jokes about the tram

Have you ever seen funny pictures of a tram? This means you haven’t come across anything like it yet. But fresh jokes about trams they don't come out very often. For example, you will find new jokes about bus drivers much faster than new jokes about trams. There are fewer tram jokes published, although they have a special kind of humor. Different carriages may have their own atmosphere. But new jokes about bus drivers cannot boast of such things, since there is only one interior.

Funny jokes about airplanes

I heard a lot of cool stories about traveling by plane. And now I understand how it turns out funny airplane jokes. In principle, every story that is voiced in funny jokes about an airplane could actually happen. Take a look at cool demotivators about transport. It would seem like a bunch of absurd photos, but this means that the events actually happened. Now I look at funny airplane jokes differently, because I immediately start imagining the picture and it makes me wildly funny.